Clueless

Kansas City’s leaders don’t know what to do about all of the violence in this town.

This year’s spike in violence has police struggling to find answers — and suspects. Nearly half the killings remain unsolved. Patterns that could help explain the rise also are elusive: Police have not found increased drug activity or a drug war, for example, said Deputy Chief Rachel Whipple.

And naive statements like that are probably why it’s clear that the KCPD deserve much of the blame for the rise in violence. Okay, maybe a little less than the people who actually committed the violence (read: Black people) but the response to this year’s spike in murders has gone virtually unchallenged by the KCPD. Where is the taskforce? Where is the community outreach? Showing up to a vigil and letting some weeping Black lady ruin one of your good uniform shirts doesn’t cut it. The Pitch claims that the KCPD isn’t receiving the cooperation of snitches. There’s a two option answer to that dilemma: Bribe them or beat them. At least the KCPD could take a more aggressive stance toward the criminal class of this town (youngish minorities like myself). It’s time that the KCPD took at least as much of a hard line approach as they do with local grandmas who get out of line.

Additionally, Mayor Kay seems to be absent from this controversy. Sure, she’s good for a few PR gestures but there’s no way that community leaders (especially poor ones) will get much time unless they happen to be in the path of a bulldozer making way for new condos. Condo Kay isn’t wasting her time with you unless you’re holding onto a building permit. Grieving mothers aren’t good for campaign donations. Clearly, sidestepping this issue of violence is probably best for Condo Kay’s future lofty political ambitions.

Cowtown Corral: Keeping it real (dumb)

- A consultant under indictment with Congressman Tom DeLay has been paid roughly $88,000 in fees by the political committee of Missouri Congressman Roy Blunt. Thank God, I finally know what the Republicans mean when they talk about supply side economics. I’m guessing it’s a reference to all of the money their throwing around against campaign finance rules. Still, I miss the days of Clinton. Blowjobs are so much more exciting than accounting errors.

- Home permits in Kansas City decline in August. Mom’s basement will always be much warmer than some poorly built new house.

- KC nursing homes are cheaper than the national average. So at least you can feel good about saving a buck when you drop your old loved ones off and never visit them at Heaven’s waiting room.

- TMC is a top teaching hospital. I didn’t know there were many people studying how to kill the poor.

- End Zone: A local man is still in a coma after a road rage run-in with a former football player.

- This shit is racial: KC men charged in racially motivated killing. Somehow this is worse than just a regular old killing. Still, I feel sorry for the guys. In jail, they’ll be the minority and the probably the “girl” too.

- Roadwork blocks pathway to restaurant. If people of Kansas City are that averse to walking for food, they should maybe get used to rolling their way through the door. Fat bastards.

- Missouri town rallies around illegal immigrant facing deportation. Who else is gonna cut the lawn?

Blogger Backtalk: KC Communiqué

- Sweatin the small stuff: "Put down the toad." From Death's Door.

- A great set of quick local concert reviews at Doug's Digs.

- "I got a letter from the government the other day. I opened and read it. It said they were suckers." A big ass fat link to the person to name the song and band who spouted that line. Click the link to read local blogger Dan's communications with local elected officials.

- Local Christian blogger Katy wonders: What kind of toothpaste do they use in Heaven? I'm not sure that I care much about dental hygene in the afterlife. I'm actually hoping that the demons will just go ahead and swallow me whole.

- The price of changing your cell phone number and service provider: Approximately $150. Ditching all of your leech friends: Priceless.

- "How pathetic is your God if he needs saving from a roomful of lawyers?"

- Who wants a mustache ride? KC Kitty reports on this weekend's hipster hangout. Sounds like it's gonna get hairy. Har.

- Scorpy gets into the spirit of the season.

Song of Solomon

Damn I love Kansas City politics. Local blogger Heidi is already hard at work, taking apart the propaganda of premature campaigner Mel Solomon.

Heidi refers to Solomon’s insignificant political victories as “world class pretension.” Additionally, she notes that the “world class pedestrian trail” that Solomon is breaking his arm to pat himself on the back for establishing is anything but.

Don't get me wrong: I love the trail he's talking about, and I'm on it almost every day. But world-class? Bah! A pox on local politicians who spout off about this and that being "world-class" without having a clue what it means.

Her post features a nice photo of a rut in the trail (world class pothole?) that’s the size of a Prius. Clearly, it seems that Solomon’s political resume might be full of holes as well.

Angela Keck is a skank

I could give a rat’s ass about Ali Kemp. Sorry. Hopefully, she’s gone on to her great reward, reconnected with her dead pets and grandparents and learned who killed Kennedy but I can’t get emotionally involved every time some poor white girl shows up dead on TV. I can only give so much people.

Anyway, what I noticed during the trial coverage was the defense attorney for Benjamin Appleby (the dirtbag who already admitted to killing Kemp) tried to pin the whole thing on Mexican lawn jockeys.

The Star reports:

Keck asked Tyler Kemp if his sister had ever mentioned anything about the men who worked on the grounds near the pool.

He said that she had mentioned that they “just kind of made her uncomfortable.” But she never said she was afraid of them, Tyler Kemp said. When Keck asked if pool workers were strict about getting visitors to sign in, Tyler Kemp said “not really.”

But I saw the videotape and that’s only part of what sperm receptacle Keck really said. She asked if Ali mentioned anything about “The Hispanic” lawn care workers.

Fucking Bitch.

Not only is she defending a dirtbag but she’s openly trying to pin this thing on Mexicans when they have not been implicated in any way. Clearly, OJ and Johnny Cochran were not the first or last people guilty of playing the race card.

When people talk about anti-immigrant sentiment it’s hard to understand what they mean. But blaming the nearest brown person for any tragedy is pretty much the gist of it. It’s nothing new. Black people have been getting blamed for crimes they didn’t commit for centuries. Now, Mexicans are cast in the role of scapegoat and boogeyman in the overly active imaginations of white people. Clearly, the role of stand-by perpetrator is dangerous for any person of color. And so far, the only benefit I can see is that it makes Mexicans that much more attractive to white women who want to get back at their fathers.

Too little too late

The Pitch reports that it’s more than likely that Fat Tone didn’t kill Mac Dre. The news from the police comes too late to do anybody (but me) much good. Sadly, it seems that Fat Tone’s murder was probably a reprisal for something that he didn’t do. Kendrick Blackwood reports that the arrest warrant for Tone’s killer also “indicates” Andre "Mac Minister" Dow but he hasn’t been arrested and police won’t say if he’s being “sought in connection with the killings.”

Translation: Black guys kill other Black guys. Police put more Black guys in jail. Gangsta rap probably won’t make a comeback but will earn enough sales to keep hobbyists in pursuit of their ghetto fabulous dreams. Such is the circle of life and the reason why I only listen to Polka.

Yet another reason why Black people kill each other: Part of a seemingly endless series.

(It’s The Golden Snitch from the Harry Potter books. And just like all the gay people who like Harry Potter, if you snitch and they find out in prison you are probably destined for some hardcore ass sex)

Nadia Pflaum writes an informative piece in the latest edition of The Pitch regarding the politics of snitching in KC’s Black community and other urban areas. I didn’t think that anybody liked a snitch but apparently some Black people are really adamant in their disapproval.

Pflaum does a great job in chronicling all of the stupidity surrounding East side murders. KC’s own shakedown artist, the honorable Rev. Wallace Hartsfield makes an appearance as he makes one of his meaningless gestures (vigil, march, sermon, whatever) between picking up big bags of cash. My buddy Alonzo Washington also tries desperately to blame whitey for the murders which might be a stretch considering how few white people cross Troost. But the real stars of the story are all of the people who keep quiet in the face of tragedy. I can’t say I blame them. Taking a stand against violence, setting an example, working to improve your community is a lot harder than just putting a few bucks together and trying to stay far away from poor, violent Black people. All of KC seems to understand this, and they didn’t need a nearly 5,000 word article in order to learn this fact.

Countdown

The countdown to the murder century mark has begun. KC’s recorded its 90th homicide this year. Let’s all hold hands, make a wish and promise that we’ll never lose touch, at least until we’re killed.

Your eyes say yes

I have a hard time explaining why I don’t use public transportation. There are local bloggers like Heidi who set a good example by walking everywhere and make it hard to justify my gas guzzling ways. But look closely into the crazy eyes of this man who is accused of raping a pregnant woman at an East side bus stop and therein lies the answer to how I can easily say: Screw the environment. Sorry, I’d rather stay in my car, lock the doors, hope the cops don’t search for my gun and turn the radio up real loud while playing something embarrassing like Air Supply as I do my part to choke us all with carbon dioxide while opening up that hole in the ozone like the legs of a Westport skank on Chief's game night.

KC MAX (and the reemergence of the metro) could be a good idea, it very well may be the future of KC mass transportation but I think it’s unfortunate that the public is forced to choose between saving the planet or riding with a merciless rapist.

And while you wouldn’t know it by just looking at him, heck you wouldn’t guess it while waiting for your stop in an isolated part of town but Randy Cooper, the accused crazy eyed jerk in question, is quick on his feet and quite the problem solver when it comes to the pleas of his alleged victims.

The woman said she told Cooper she was homeless, then he allegedly took her to a home and raped her.

In the final analysis, as long as this country has the largest stockpile of nuclear weapons, the best army and Britney Spears I don’t think there is any need to conserve fossil fuel no matter what the President says. Let the Chinese and the Indians (dots not feathers) go back to riding bikes and scooters. Conservation is really just a giant cop-out and a veiled admission that the terrorists are winning. If we are truly waging an effective war against terrorism than the free flow of oil (all I care about) shouldn’t be hindered. And I believe that we must win the war against terror in the Middle East because it’s clear that we can’t control the terrorists in this country.

Clock Signals Changing Times For Urban Core

What time is it? It’s time for half-measures that are good PR for doomed urban renewal projects.

A giant clock is being hoisted to the top of its tower to serve as a reminder to neighbors that new storefronts in the urban core are long overdue. 15 years ago, some described this stretch of land as a war zone. Now, people in the surrounding neighborhoods are seeing the first grocery store set up shop in the urban core in 20 years.

So, basically there is gonna be a new grocery store to rob on Blue Parkway. Awesome. There is no reason that thieves should be forced to waste gas and suffer a long commute.

Father Accused Of Breaking Baby's Legs

I always try to console local strippers with daddy issues. I tell them that their dad may have been a jerk who told them they were fat and didn’t pay enough attention but there are worse guys out there . . . like this scumbag. I don’t believe in Karma or reincarnation but if we do have more than one life this guy will come back as an ant in the path of an especially sadistic kid packing a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers on a boring summer’s day.

Run Amuck

Apparently, there was a pretty major screw up at the KC Marathon over the weekend.

The driver of the police vehicle leading the race didn't turn into the memorial because he thought the gates were locked. But race officials were ready to let the runners in.

Competitors who thought the race qualified them for the Boston Marathon are now wondering if they'll still be able to get in.

I have a solution. Gather all the runners this weekend and we’ll start the race in the heart of the East side, this time with no police escorts. I’m sure all of those crazy jogging white folks will turn in record times.

Man Found Shot To Death In Street

Another dead body found on KC streets. Murder and littering? For shame! Seriously, if KC thugs are gonna leave so many bodies on the pavement of this town we might as well develop some kind of appropriate receptacle. Maybe that was the motive behind the recent, expensive trash bin proposal. If there is nothing we can do about this city being so violent, at least we can keep it clean.

City Union Mission seeks record budget

The board is expected to vote Thursday on a $7.7 million budget for the fiscal year beginning Saturday. That compares with a $7.35 million budget last year.

I’m sure none of this money will be dedicated to getting local homeless people to smell a little less like piss. For the love of God, budget these fuckers some deodorant and breath mints.

Actually, this seems like such a waste of cash. KC’s largest homeless shelter could easily pay for their overhead if they would promote and sell admission to fights among the homeless of Kansas City. Yes sir, there is nothing more entertaining than a bumfight. Hell, I bet they could even turn a profit. Additionally, the homeless people would earn their own money and that is truly good for the soul.

Funds sought to hire 100 police

I know what you’re thinking. The KCPD will use this money ($205.3 million, a 12 percent increase from the current budget) to curb the growing number of murders in this city. However, I’m pretty sure that they’re just gonna put more men on the street to Taser any old lady that gets out of line.

Stay out of trouble Grandma! You’ll be shocked to find out how quickly the KCPD will kick your ass.

Update: BlogKC notes that the funds are for more cops for the Northland. I guess Mall security isn’t doing a good job.

Literati

Last night I attended a reading by Barbra Ehrenreich from her new book “Bait and Switch” at the Unity Temple on the Plaza. While this sounds like something more intelligent that my usual routine of drinking and hollering at the TV, I tried to keep it lowbrow as I joked to my girlfriend that I was gonna kick her ass unmerciful(ly) in the midst of the liberal crowd of elderly hippies.

I’ve read Ehrenreich’s breakthrough book “Nickel and Dimed” and I admired her candid reporting on the plight facing the plebian masses of wage slaves working in the service industry. I had hoped that Ehrenreich was a writer sewing the seeds of class warfare or at least deep resentment. But much to my chagrin, hearing Ehrenreich spout off one piece of NY Times propaganda after the other it became apparent that she was nothing more than yet another liberal scribe who was surprised to discover something that Cheech and Chong noted more than two decades ago: “Things are tough all over.” I stopped listening when she touted the socialistic model of Finland as an alternative to the cutthroat capitalism practiced in this country. Sorry lady, this country ain’t never gonna be like Finland; take a walk with me to the East or West side of KC and I’ll explain why . . . as we dodge bullets on our merry way.

Ehrenreich's latest work seems to be merely a slightly more literary take on the lessons that were more humorously expressed in the film “Office Space.” Still, the book seems to promise many funny anecdotes about the ridiculous state of modern corporate life. The book details everything from corporate makeover consultants to insurance selling pyramid schemes.

Ultimately, she didn’t sound too enthusiastic about the reality of life in the corporate workforce. Long story short: There is no such thing as stability or job security for white collar workers . . . if your company can underpay, downsize or outsource you, eventually they will. Similarly, in “Nickel and Dimed” it seemed as if the struggle of the American wage slave was ultimately futile. Now that I’ve seen her in person I believe that this sense of hopelessness in Ehrenreich’s work is not based solely on the sad state of affairs in the American labor market but also might have something to do with that fact that she’s a grumpy, post-menopausal woman who might be prone to melancholy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; reading my endless series of mean spirited rants you’ve probably discovered that I’m quite a bigoted, misogynist prick with a penchant (read: fetish) for white women. Still, while I don’t believe in any of that “pick yourself up from your bootstraps” Horatio Alger bullshit, I’ve talked with enough Mexicans to know that the deal here in the U.S. is as good as it gets.

Still, the evening was entertaining and informative and I can’t wait to read Ehrenreich’s new book. And while I don’t believe that the proponents of liberal (or conservative) political philosophies really give a shit about the American worker . . . it’s nice to know that Ehrenreich’s writing is at least popularizing the often ignored struggle of the American working class.

Wreck yourself

Patrick Dobson at EKC pens another fantastic column concerning recent proposed construction developments on the Westside. More than any other reporter in the City, this guy has a comprehensive understanding of the attitudes that prevail among the residents west of downtown.

Of a recent proposed development, Dobson writes of the developer (Screenland owner Butch Rigby):

Rather than being welcomed, he found himself on the grill — not personally but professionally. Though he has been a good businessperson in the neighborhood so far, he had mistakenly thought his redevelopment plan would be accepted with little comment. Neighbors questioned the lack of notification before getting the plan into its second and third stages, which includes a slot on the City Plan Commission docket Sept. 20. His plan included eminent domain, which is anathema here. The plan straddled Broadway, extending into the Westside to I-35; and if there is anything Westsiders don’t like, it’s being told their neighborhood is not Westside but confused with someplace else.

Ultimately Rigby is facing hard times getting his tax-abated pipe dream off the ground and Dobson masterfully explains why:

While mouths at city hall say they want strong neighborhoods, they really want neighborhoods that behave well and don’t get in the way. What the Westside has gone through and continues to go through is emblematic of the issues that all neighborhoods have to deal with in the face of development.

The city’s behind any developer that waves money under its nose; it just doesn’t want a black eye. Butch’s misfortune is that he doesn’t have the money to wave around that, say, the Muriel Kauffman Foundation or DST do, and those same processes that can help him increase his investment are the ones make him look like the rest of the bad guys.

For a long time, the rest of KC media was too busy grabbing ankles for local developers and construction projects and wouldn’t dream of writing something this honest. However, it seems that the many writers and reporters are now starting to pick up on the undercurrent of resistance that is mounting against the wave of speculative real estate ventures.

Cath-aholic

Mary Sanchez is the latest of many lapsed Catholics to take issue with the Church and its newfound no-homo policy.

Of the Church policy, she writes:

The Vatican plans to send investigators to the 229 seminaries in the United States. Even gay men who remain celibate will not be allowed to become priests. How they will determine who is and who isn’t gay is not being disclosed.

Here’s a hint to all homosexual seminarians: You might wanna bunt when it comes to any pop quiz regarding color coordinating the Lenten Holy Days or Holiday vestments.

Sanchez also writes fondly of a priest she knew who died of AIDS. She summarizes her thoughts with this schmaltzy passage:

The God I pray to created all human beings. I believe he made some of them gay.

Bravo! The thought of an inclusive, politically correct, loving, caring God is heartwarming. Don’t mind the recent hurricane, tidal wave action that’s been going on in the world. Recent disasters could ultimately prove that God is, in fact, pro-death. Never mind that throughout history all of us hairless apes have been slugging it out over which God is the right one. No, Jebus loves me because Mary Sanchez told me so. Who am I to argue with the word of a woman in a sharp business suit and control top pantyhose? God is love, and all of those Egyptians at the bottom of the Red Sea, the people of Sodom and Gomorrah, all of the souls roasting in Hell come Rapture will tell you so. And while you may find these examples ridiculous, to be a Catholic is to know that our faith is neither inclusive nor compassionate. We have rules, very old rules, which have yet to catch up with modern humanistic thought or current notions of equity. You can be tolerant or you can be Catholic but you can’t be both. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Not to say that I’m not a fan of the Big JC, homosexuals or even Mary Sanchez. I’m just not sure that supreme creator of the Universe, the beginning and end, the King of Kings cares what consenting adults do with their naughty bits. And as far as the Catholic Church goes . . . Sanchez unintentionally shows that she hasn’t been among the fold in awhile if she believes that the will of God has anything to do with organized religion.

As good as it gets

Sorry folks, the early part of the Chiefs season is as good as it gets. Anybody who has lived in this town for more than five minutes knows that the Chiefs fall apart during the last eight games of the season. It’s been more than a decade since the Chiefs have won a playoff game. I’m afraid that last night’s embarrassing Monday Night loss is a signal that the season is coming to an early and disappointing close. Really, the Chiefs got slapped around worse than one of their blonde girlfriends at a local bar.

Sure, you can still wear your jersey and root for the home team but, just like your marriage . . . you’re bound to be disappointed.

I could give you all kinds of reasons why but you still wouldn’t believe me. I could blame it on the small media market, crumbling stadium, strategy to move to JoCo, etc., etc. But it’s no use talking a fool out of their foolishness.

So I’ll just make a note of this:

Did anybody else observe the disaster that was Trent Green’s performance last night? I wondered if Denver was in negotiations to pick up his contract but then I noticed that the Broncos already have a decent quarterback. Put simply, only three words came to mind when watching Green play:

Panicky, weak and inaccurate.

It’s a shame that KC is the only NFL town that values a winning smile and the ability to sell trucks more than winning from their quarterback.

Getting Even

I often daydream about a crime spree in Johnson County. Currently, a series of carjackings in the Golden Ghetto is the cause of great distress among drivers (read: everyone over 16 and under 80) in that community.

It's happening at an alarming rate, there have been at least of these incidents within the last days. The latest happened in the parking lot of a software company off K-7 in western Shawnee. The men are disguising themselves with either bandanas, hooded jackets or towels. They are described as young, probably teenagers.

And that’s the problem with kids; they don’t know what’s valuable. My imaginary JoCo crime spree would consist only of jewelry, white women and baseball cards. I don’t really like baseball cards but I hear they are valuable and the fact that somebody would really mourn the loss of the cards would make me very happy inside.

In my darker moments, I dream about stealing the espresso machine at a JoCo Starbucks but I’m pretty sure that would bring civilization to its knees. What would happen if the rich, white folk of JoCo weren’t caffeinated, chipper and eager to tell the rest of us what to do?

Get a Jorb

The job market in KC sucks. Here’s proof:

The Kansas City area's employment growth from June 2004 to June 2005 ranks No. 51 among 87 metropolitan areas with more than 250,000 jobs . . . The Kansas City area has an employment index of negative 0.69, indicating a sluggish job market.

However, this study fails to indicate the “jobs” provided by strippers, escorts, street whores, chubby drunk chicks and female TV news personalities. Word is, those “jobs” (rim, hand and what not) are moving along at a steady pace for those in possession of a nice car, 401k or big hands. Sadly, if employment numbers continue to look grim, many of KC’s men will also be looking for odd “jobs” in order to sustain themselves.

Hate the game

Kansas City’s 87th homicide was yet another local rapper. Earlier, TV news reported that his death was a case of mistaken identity but it seems now that the shooting was a case of “perceived disrespect.”

The shooting ends the kid’s rap career. Unless, like Tupac, he’s able to record tracks from beyond the grave at a much more prolific pace than while he was living. Channel 9 has been trumpeting “Exclusive Video” of the kid rapping in his basement and touting his record deal. I don’t know which label he was signed to but let’s just assume that some Jewish guy is gonna be bummed for a half a week until the next chump . . . Err, I mean . . . rapper comes along.

The murder of Fat Tone along with this kid marks the bloodiest year ever for KC rappers. It’s unknown whether this will translate into greater CD sales. White kids seem to latch on to every negative stereotype concerning Black people; so this KC Black on Black violence should go over as big as that early 90’s fad where teenagers carved their names and other stupid shit into their hair. Only time will tell if all of the blood spilled upon KC streets will earn the kind of “credibility” that gangsta rappers so desperately desire. Is it wrong to hope for something good to come from the death of all these Black kids? I mean something more substantial than the advancement of Alvin Brooks’ political career or the spike in candle sales due to all the (pointless) vigils in this town.

Bang your head

(Just thought I’d post this photo for old time’s sake)

Local blogger Laura asks “When going down on your guy, what's your motive?”

I can safely answer that question for every woman on the face of the planet (including your mom): Money.

Roast

I think you all fucking suck.

That should cover everybody.

Blaming the media

OR Katie Horner is only good for fucking.

Newbie blogger “Just Cara” pens a smart post assigning blame for the Hurricane Rita evacuation debacle.

It’s still hard to imagine all those morons in their car running from a bunch of water like it was a chubby girl who needs a ride home from the bar at the end of the night. You have to run from her not only because you know that you’ll probably end up fucking her if she gets in your car but also because you’re sure she has herpes.

Cara comes up with a killer line when it comes to our own weathergirl skank:

“In my estimation, the members of the television media are good at two things: looking pretty, and crying wolf. Local case in point: weatherbabe Katie Horner.”

And now I have to call foul. Do you have any idea how hard it is on your knees to become a newsgirl? Semen doesn’t just disappear out of a pant suit, that’s a hefty dry cleaning bill . . . try asking your accountant about that deduction Missy.

No, I will defend all of the newsbabes in this town not only because they were/are fodder for my depraved masturbatory fantasies but also because I’m all for the lowly working women of this country and handling that much penis has got to be considered manual labor.

Starburst: Hot Child in the City

- Western Independence wants out of the KC School District. They are done Mething around. They have had time to mullet over and they realize that they’ve got nothing to lose but the inept management of the KCMO School District.

- Sports fans put off visits to the ER and cheer themselves to death . . . all too slowly.

- Books and Bars: Reading The Star everyday in driving me to drink. Books and Bars: Reading The Star everyday in driving me to drink. Check out their list of upcoming events and then back to the bottle.

- Madden Comes to KC. Millions of adolescent and immature men want their life back from the clutches of the video game that features his name.

- Widening of Waukomis Drive weighed. Pretend to care.

In the Air Tonight

Providing Wi-Fi for downtown KC slowly trudges forward. This week, KC’s Chief Information Officer will make her case for Wi-Fi to the City Council on Sept. 29. KC’s CIO has hired Black and Veatch to develop a telecom master plan for the new downtown arena and adjacent entertainment district.

Providing up-to-date telcom offerings is important to all those connected with the new entertainment developments in KC. Clearly, nothing offered in either venue (arena football, tractor pulls, etc.) will be as captivating as Internet porn.

Blogger Backtalk: Corrupts Absolutely

- A local blogger and Dem blog pounce on Sen. Bill Frist’s (R - Tenn.) backdoor stock trading shenanigans . . . don’t mention the guy's cold hands.

- Killer Dolphins on the loose! (Heretical Ideas)

- Parrish files another report on “The Broadway Group”

- A more organized collection of links from The Whole Wheat Blogger.

- Making good time in Missouri: DTS speeds through the Show-Me State faster than you can say “flyover.”

Over the weekend

- All aboard, the Nightrain: It’s estimated that 145-thousand people rode the rails between the KC and STL in the first ten months of this fiscal year. The rise in train travel could be explained by high gas prices or the fact that if you’ve seen one strip club or walnut bowl store off I-70, you’ve seen them all.

- The hits keep coming: 87th homicide for KC over the weekend.

- Stolen moments: Car jackings on the rise in the metro.

- The Bob Dole Book: Penis pills not included.

- The panic over the flu shot will begin on Oct. 3 with a city sponsored clinic delivering the shot that will neither protect you from all the stray bullets roaming around this town nor the dangerous drive to work.

- Go “behind the scenes” with the Chiefs cheerleaders. For those two or three of you who haven’t already been behind at least one of the Chiefs cheerleaders.

- Man Stabbed At Lake Drives Home, Calls for Help - Because only a pussy or a fucking woman would ask a stranger on the street for directions to the hospital.

Coming to America

Mexicans are everywhere, even in Iowa. An article from ABC news reports a rise in Latinos in the Heartland. TKC is proof of this trend beginning about 31 years ago. Actually, I’m third generation on my mom’s side and my Dad’s side is comprised of the Mexicans that came along with Texas into the Union. They didn’t come to the United States, the U.S. came to them.

Still, I believe that my forefathers wanted to settle someplace that would expose them to the most extreme elements of every season, a place that would be rife with racial tension and bigotry as well as a stagnant economy that would be entrusted only to the government and the good ole boys network. So we ended up in Kansas City because Chicago would have been way too fucking cold.

Admiration

Today The Star runs a story about a Marine who lost a leg in Iraq. Apparently, the guy seems to to have a good attitude about the whole thing.

“There’s a sense that what we’re doing is important,” Horton said. “There was never a reason to say, ‘Uh, what are we doing here?’ I know a lot guys that after they took some bad guys in, they had to feel good. Like, ‘Man, I did something today.’ ”

And that’s great because I’m put out if I have to wait too long in a drive-thru lane. When life hands me obstacles all I do is complain, whine, give up or throw a tantrum. Cruel fate, I still have both my legs and I’ve never even considered signing up for some army and risk losing them.

Stories of persistence in the face of tragedy always bum me out. I’m horrible at “hanging in there” and I always think that people are suckers when they try to keep their chin up in the face of strife.

However, this kid deserves a lot of respect for giving one of his limbs for whatever in the fuck the Bush administration is trying to accomplish in the desert. The kid may understand it but I don’t. Still, he deserves admiration because most people wouldn’t make that kind of sacrifice. Sadly, as the war drags on, there will only be more stories of soldiers facing similar misfortune.

It’s the weekend, baby!

Lots of fun stuff to do this weekend other than getting drunk, having unprotected sex and randomly shooting somebody. Or at least there are new, fun places at which to do those things.

The Un-Greatest Generation

Time, she is a cruel bitch. My grandparents were part of a generation that endured the Great Depression, fought off Hitler, and contributed to the greatest surge of prosperity ever seen by this nation. But, when they got older my family didn’t trust them to set an alarm clock.

I don’t know how to feel about the story of a Prairie Village Grandpa locking his grandkid in the car while he went shopping. Part of me thinks, “Good, welcome to the real world kid. You’re never more important than a new gadget.” And then I think that anybody who would trust an old person to drive a car and take care of a kid may have been secretly trying to kill both Grandpa Stupid and Baby Boy.

However, what really irks me is that somebody reported the old fart. This old white guy has had his whole life to enjoy segregated restaurants, openly celebrate the death of millions of Asians and harass women in the workplace with abandon but near the end he’s thwarted by some PC woman (only a woman would report this kind of thing) who can’t stand to see a little kid sweat. Maybe the incident will be a learning experience. If the old, white grandpa receives jail time he could get a first hand look at all of the people he has oppressed throughout the course of his life.

Doomsday in Kansas City

Channel 9 (stupidly) asks the question: “What would happen if Kansas City were forced to evacuate -- is there an emergency plan in place?"

The answer is no.

If there was a catastrophic emergency about to befall KC, you would observe some of the most gut wrenching scenes of horror ever witnessed by humanity. First of all, there would be a mad dash to rob and rape everything blonde, with a moist hole in Johnson County. I know that I’d be tempted to go after all of the bagel shops and car dealerships in the golden ghetto in no particular order.

And forget about getting out of this town by car. The highways are nearly impassable at 4:30 on a weekday afternoon anyway. In an emergency you might as well grab a raft and float down the river with your buddy N-word Jim. And don’t forget about the eastsiders, every weekend summer night was nearly a catastrophe; in a real emergency you might as well just bomb everything east of Troost preemptively because it won’t survive the absence of the already tenuous semblance of law and order that currently prevails.

Additionally, somehow an earthquake, bomb or any massive amount of destruction will only serve to bring more Mexicans to Kansas City. Very much like cockroaches, these people (my relatives) only multiply, even under the most severe circumstances.

However, you need not worry about the Asians or Arabs in KC. My rice eating brothers can survive indefinitely on stray dogs while my Arab brethren were probably responsible for the tragedy in the first place.

Did I miss anybody? Ah, white people. They always seem to come out on top for some reason. Fuckers.

Miss Teen Latina

Miss Teen Latina Missouri heads to Cancun to compete for the national title and maybe star in an unflattering amateur video.

Riding the Storm Out

Former KC blogger Reecie is riding out Hurricane Rita in Texas. She’s posting photos hourly or until she’s killed. Good look Reecie!!! Be sure to tag “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people” to your body along with your social security number in case of the worst.

Reading KC

Local blogger Heidi has a great collection of links regarding local authors and an upcoming book event. Reading is fun and it can keep you entertained and informed far more than the 2.75 minutes you spend looking at a porno mag.

Dolly Parton is coming to KC!

The inspiration for so many of my fantasies about desperate, kind hearted, naive white women will be in close proximity. Oh, happy day! Hat tip: Keeping up with us

Larry Johnson = Homo?

First of all I’d like to start this post by noting that the homosexuals are the one of the few interesting things about KC. I’m not gonna turn this blog into “Andrew Dice Clay Jr. spouts off.” I’m sure it’s still offensive but I know that many queens will understand when I write that I’m cool with homosexuals but gay fags get on my nerves. Of course, it has been run into the ground but Seinfeld got it right when he said, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” (And besides, everything on this blog is pretty much a joke anyway)

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way . . .

Is it me or did a recent article about Larry Johnson in The Pitch seems like a gay love letter and unintentionally "out" the Chief’s running back? Obviously, The Pitch is the number one source in this town for info about gay nightlife, escort services and futons. They ought to know, right?

Let me give you my reasons for asking the question.

First of all, there are all those homoerotic pictures of him giving a creepy come hither look to the camera. He’s all beefy and shirtless with this strange look on his face. Hopefully, I’ll never have to endure prison rape but I imagine that it looks something like that series of photos.

Secondly, the article does a great job in documenting his problems with women. The author (Kendrick Blackwood) seems to get Johnson to open up (ewww!) and gets what should be the quote of the year from any Chiefs player:

"My reputation is I'm crazy. I beat women. I carry a lot of guns," Johnson says. He doesn't argue some of those points. "Everybody's crazy to a point," he says. "I am crazy to a point."

Wow! Doesn’t that line encourage you to take your family to the game? What an inspiring image to convey to the millions of Chiefs fans. That quote really makes me want to hand over my tax dollars to a team full of gun carrying, “bi-polar” thugs who callously beat their ex-girlfriends as a warm-up for game day. But I digress . . .

And what’s with the guns? Throughout history projectile weapons have been noted as nothing more than phallic symbols. And throwing around women . . . Clearly, it seems like he’s compensating for something.

Also, the guy seems to be very fond of hanging out in bars. The article describes his journey from club to club and it seems as if this is the textbook definition of what some pillow biters might call “cruising.” It’s why I’ve never been very fond of bars. If you look around at all the painted women and fancy looking dudes slathered in hair products and cheap perfumes, you can tell that ass sex is a viable option for so many people carelessly drinking their lives away.

But here’s the money quote:

Johnson is joined at the bar by Sean Deaver, a school friend of Chiefs return man Dante Hall. The men don't seem surprised to see each other.

Deaver jokes that he calls Johnson "King Pink" because of his attraction to white women.

King Pink? King Pink?!!!?!?!?!!!

Sure. That’s a reference to white women? Right!!!! I’m sure you’re all familiar with the frightening story of “Down Low” Black men but that quote almost reads like a hint. Remember Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Pink eschews his moniker. “Why am I Mr. Pink?” To which the crime boss Joe replies: “Cause you're a faggot, all right?”

Anyway, I think I’ve made a good case here but I’m not gonna make any proclamations because the Chiefs are prone to violence, they are millionaires with great lawyers and I’m sure they all could beat me with as much ease as they strike their girlfriends. I’m only raising the question. Answer it for yourself while you’re at Arrowhead . . . paying $30 for parking and $9 for a beer.

The East Side is probably not "Movin’ on up"

I love pipe dreams. Today, The Star reports that plans are underway to revive the East Side of downtown and turn this almost completely abandoned section of the city’s center into a vibrant community.

An ambitious proposal to transform a dreary 12-block section of downtown’s east side into a cozy neighborhood anchored by corporate offices is expected to begin in earnest today.

Backers of the $340 million East Village redevelopment plan are scheduled to make their opening pitch to the Planned Industrial Expansion Authority, a city agency that controls property tax incentives and other development tools vital to the project’s realization.

I’m sure all the crackheads roaming around there will love this plan. This project could mean more people to rob, more crack and maybe a few nice dumpsters in which to sleep.

Like I mentioned earlier, I can’t help but enjoy a good pipe dream. I love to talk about winning the lottery or the great start by the Chiefs. Additionally, I love to listen to haphazard business, wedding and career plans. There’s nothing like a good foolhardy plan in order to make me feel smart and grounded in reality.

The Eastside of downtown KC is where most of us go to pay parking tickets or hustle our way out of a drunk driving bust. It’s nothing but a giant parking lot. East of City Hall the only current attraction is a few staggering crackheads who (I guess) might be able to entertain a new community with their monologues to no one in particular and their unusual odors. Still, I love a good scheme.

And who am I to spoil the fun? Nobody listens to me anyway. I won’t be the one to tell the Westport skank that a night of unprotected sex with a good looking stranger isn’t the best idea. Nobody asked me if going to war on the unsubstantiated claims of WMD was the right strategy. I don’t know who thought anyone would vote for John Kerry or his Eurotrash wife with the whorish mouth. I didn’t invent the (foreign) oil based economy and transportation system. I didn’t think that establishing a bunch of casinos in KC that would minimally fund education but lead to a significant spike in bankruptcies was a sound financial plan. In fact, I’m not in charge of much besides this blog. But, I’ll be glad to listen intently to every bad idea that comes my way.

Choose and Loose

Today, Dave “My integrity is protected by this sturdy hair helmet” Helling reports on proposed voting systems upgrades for Kansas City. I don’t know why he bothers, most people just let The Star vote for them. And if The Star doesn’t decide your vote, the advertising dollars a candidate spends on TV commercials surely will.

Trashy

Kansas City won’t be going from trash bags to trash bins anytime soon. The switch would cost $2.1 million dollars more. For that kind of money, we could pay some Mexicans to sort if for us.

The Star Makes a U-Turn

Thankfully, The Star has stopped cheering for every new construction project this town has to offer. Recently, Lewis Diuguid filed a scathing column regarding the gamble that Kansas City is taking with the Sprint Center.

Today, Mike Hendricks cleverly urges downtown cheerleaders to give up the dumb idea of a downtown baseball stadium.

Hopefully, now that The Star has jumped off the bandwagon, KC’s construction cheerleaders can go back to drooling over new condo developments that kick the darkies out of downtown rather than urging the City to spend millions of bucks on a stadium for losers like the Royals (who lost their 100th game of the year last night, by the way).

Hopefully, the multi-million dollar, taxpayer supported building boom in KC has slowed to a more reasonable pace. All those other bangs you hear are not the sound of construction but rather the noise of gunfire.

Hornets Snub Kansas City

Remember that Mayor Kay tried to lure the Hornets to KC? Well the local media haven’t really made big news of it but her bid was rejected. The Hornets have chosen Oklahoma City over KC.

And I can’t think of any more accurate gauge of this city’s progress or lack thereof. I’ve been to OKC and it’s one of the shittiest towns in the world. For Kansas City to be outdone by a mud hole like OKC is a clear sign that all the so-called improvements made in this town are nothing more than window dressing. Secondly, imagine how embarrassing this must be for Mayor Kay. She desperately grabbed her ankles for yet another sports franchise only to be spurned. I’ve seen quite a few desperate old whores throw themselves at a group of Black guys at local bars and at least somebody will take them home . . . even if it’s a Mexican guy like me.

Poll position

Readers of TKC, this city needs our help! Currently, the school board is soliciting opinions on what to do with their leading financial liability Dr. Bernard “Big Pimpin’” Taylor.

Well dear readers, here is your chance to weigh in on the controversy. Vote in this poll and let the leaders of the school board know where you stand!



Vote early and often!

Showdown of the Stereotypes

The Boss Bitch vs. Shaniquabot

For the past few weeks The Pitch has been running a column entitled “Ask the Boss Bitch” in their ‘Backwash’ section. This piece of drivel features questions and answers from a hip-hop MC by the name of Priceless Diamonds. The beginning of every article trumpets the fact that she was once a thief and a whore.

Like (the equally obnoxious) Yoko Ono she’s a leftover of a music related shooting along with being a big part of the reason why I think that all journalists (or at least those who transcribe her ruminations) should be mercilessly ass raped on the day that the revolution comes. It’s just a little unfair that I get poop for being a sarcastic, jokey bastard while the sycophants down at The Pitch cater to the urban set with their bullshit sense of irony embedded within a few gossip articles; ultimately earning a heap of advertising dollars from people desperate to sell a futon or escort services to all those hipsters who loyally pick up the corporate rag.

Anyway, this blog is a testament to the fact that I don’t have a life. But when I’m not working on this page, I’m busy with a few other endeavors. Recently, inspired by the musings of the “Boss Bitch” I created a robot in my basement. I figure if The Pitch can promote shameful stereotypes, I can create my own as well. I named her “The Shaniquabot” and she was programmed to have all the answers to your ghetto fabulous questions. Here’s a transcript of our last conversation:

Tony: Shaniquabot, what is the meaning of life?

SB: Life ain’t nothing but bitches and money.

Tony: I’ve heard that before. But do you ever wonder what happens when we die.

SB: Listen foo . . . take your morose ass down to the liquor store and pick me up a deuce deuce, some lottery tickets and a pack of Kools.

Tony: Okay, first of all, I’m not buying you cigarettes Shaniquabot. Secondly, it’s a little early to be drinking. Finally, you’re a robot so you should know that the odds of you winning the lottery are infinitesimal.

SB: According to my calculations the odds of me kicking your ass are pretty good if you don’t get to steppin’.

Tony: Fine. But before I go, tell me what the word “dignity” means to you.

SB: Motherfucker, I’m about to tell your bitch ass . . . Error. Syntax/404.//*[]# . . . reboot . . . What?. . . Yeah! . . . Okay!. . . End of line.

And then her head exploded.

See, I programmed Shaniquabot with street smarts and attitude but not a lot of class. She’s a robotic stereotype, why would she need self-respect?

Ultimately, The Boss Bitch proved to be more durable than my creation.

However, the experiment wasn’t a complete failure. I worked long and hard on Shaniquabot in order to learn an important lesson. I learned that (excluding Asian people) every sentient being needs some form of dignity. Even a hardcore street thug like Shaniquabot was not complete without a softer, compassionate side. Ultimately, I learned that a living, breathing stereotype is unfit for this world and won’t last long. I only hope that The Pitch can make use of my research.

Get Well DD!

Send your get well wishes to Death's Door and then back away slowly.

Jackass: The New CCP Website

The Committee for County Progress has a new website and they're using their startling grasp of Internet technology to endorse infamous old school hag Claire McCaskill.

Hopefully, Claire posed for a few nude pics in order to spice up the content of the new web presence. Otherwise, it'll probably just be business as usual for the Jackson County Democratic machine.

They took R Jorbs!!!!

I've developed a theory. A significant percentage of the White population uses Meth because they're frustrated by all the attention and financial aid given to the darkies. Smoke up Cletus, nobody cares about you and your trailer and the brown folks of KC are set to receive even more assistance.

Kansas City opened the first of five Urban Entrepreneur Partnership centers on Tuesday. The centers, financed through a $2.3 million grant from the Ewing Marion Kauffman Foundation. The Kansas City center has started with four minority entrepreneurs serving as test cases for future entrepreneurs who will go through the program in Kansas City . . . The program is designed to combine resources of the private, public and nonprofit sectors to expand entrepreneurship and jobs in historically neglected or economically underperforming urban areas. The centers will provide business training, coaching and mentoring, and financing and procurement opportunities to minority and urban business owners.

It's not a hand out, it's a hand up. Keep telling yourself that or else you'll never be able to have sex with your wife again . . . no matter how many candles she lights in the trailer.

Higher Learning

There’s a lot that you can learn in the KC School District. Integration is a lie and it doesn’t work, incompetence is rewarded with a six figure salary and it’s not a good idea to fuck with the po-po.

A group of students were in a small gymnasium getting a pep talk about a test they were about to take when two boys started fighting over a girl.

A large crowd gathered around them. That made it difficult for Kansas City police officers to get to the boys, so they sprayed pepper spray into the air to break up the crowd.

The lesson for today kids: Pepper spray stings like a motherfucker. Remember this children, this subject will probably come up again countless times during your “career.”

For the babies

Missouri ranks dead last in helping low-income families get child care, according to a report released Tuesday.

Here’s a thought: If this state isn’t gonna help pay for babies they might as well start to pony up for condoms and abortions.

Actually, that’s a brilliant strategy and it’s more honest than anything you’ll hear from politicos in the Show-Me state.

Wait and see

White woman beater and Chiefs running back Larry Johnson has his trial postponed.

I guess they’re waiting to see how he performs against Denver. I think an acquittal is called for if he rushes for more than 100 yards.

Step off

Was it boogie fever that made these kids in Wichita so violent. Boogie fever?

The Dynamic Steppers were practicing routines Saturday night when members of another drill team, the White Tigers, showed up and issued a dance-off challenge, police said.

When the challengers appeared to be losing, a woman struck a 17-year-old Dynamic Steppers drummer in the face with a drumstick, said Wichita police Lt. Jeff Easter.

The teen punched the 28-year-old woman in the face. He then ran toward his Ford Explorer and tried to run over spectators, witnesses told police.

The boy’s mother, a Dynamic Steppers coach, grabbed a box cutter and sliced the other woman’s right arm, Easter said. The wound required eight stitches.

Ah, this story takes me back to the days of the break dance battles. Since this fight consisted mainly of women, would they call it a "Ho-down?"

Truman Days

(OR New addition to the Plaza Library will be da bomb)

Harry Truman killed more Asian people than any other White man; a new auditorium in the Plaza Library will honor this fact.

The Kansas City Public Library has received a $2.1 million grant from the Ewing Marion Kauffman Foundation to help build an auditorium at its Plaza branch.

The library also announced a closer partnership with the Truman Library Institute, which will present Truman-related lectures and exhibits at the Plaza branch once the new auditorium is completed.

Actually, an auditorium isn’t a bad idea because nobody goes to the library for books anymore. Poor, brown people just watch TV and everybody else has Barnes and Noble and the Internet. Look around the library and you’ll see that the stacks are nearly devoid of much content written after 1988. It’s nice that the new libraries in KC kicked out the piss smelling bums but they somehow forgot to put any books in their new, ritzy digs.

Make a world of difference

Here’s a quick story that should clearly illustrate the current state of race relations in Kansas City far better than some watered down news story. For some ungodly reason I found myself in South KC this weekend. I was close to a Park where a family was having a birthday party picnic. Kids are playing, barbeque is cooking and everyone is getting ready for cake . . . cool. Well, the kids at the party seem to have monopolized the swing set but it’s no big deal because there’s nobody else in the park. Suddenly, a lone, stupid looking girl approaches and asks to use one of the swings.

“There’s no room for you. Beat it!” The kids reply.

No big deal, right? Kids can be bastards. That’s pretty much the point of “Lord of the Flies.” I didn’t think much of it until the father of the chubby looking dumb girl grabs her hand and quickly drags her away. He looks pissed. He burns rubber out in the street and speeds off.

Now what I didn’t note about this story is that the family that was in the park first was Black and the chubby, stupid looking girl and her angry father were White. A friend of mine saw that whole thing go down too. We laughed to ourselves as the incident predictably unfolded. He had a bit of insight that I hadn’t even thought of:

“Tony, what if it’d been the other way around?” he said. “What if it was a bunch of White kids telling a Black girl to hit the bricks? Your buddy Alonzo Washington and about 30 of his friends would be down here in a second marching and demanding reparations. It would be on the news and the kids would be chained to desks while attending a racial sensitivity class.”

I thought to myself, he’s probably right. But I didn’t care much. Everyone has pretty much given up on the neighborhood a long time ago and only a few poor white people are left to scrap for empty seats on a swing set. The city’s funds are now nearly exclusively directed at improving downtown. I don’t know if they have any swing sets in the downtown area but I’m pretty sure that the same scenario, one way or another, will play out there as well.

Survey says

Governor Blunt's numbers make him the 5th most disliked governor in the nation.

He'll always be number one in my heart. Such a poor rating for such nice hair. You people are just jealous of his hot wife and rich and powerful daddy.

To my rivals

You can't beat me because you're boring.

Oh, and fuck you.

Eminent Threat

Today The Star offers a meandering article detailing the current controversy regarding eminent domain.

No matter what term you use, the redevelopment of this city was founded on stealing away property from small business owners. Maybe there’s no such thing as karma and the golden rule is merely bullshit but there’s something in the back of my mind that tells me that building a city on theft and lies isn’t going to produce an advantageous result.

Just like I’ve always wondered if the souls of all the massacred Native Americans weren’t somehow pleased that we’ve used the land they once occupied to endlessly sprawl away from one another and become nearly as nomadic as them. Just like the current crop of low income Kansas Citians, The Natives also had their land taken unfairly and listened to a bunch of empty promises. Drive though Oklahoma, talk to one of those leftover, diabetic Injuns selling trinkets on the side of the road and ask them about the benefits of handing over land for the sake of development. Still, in the end, it’s important to realize that this nation was founded on the theft of land. There’s no point in stopping now.

The right to make poor choices

The Whole Wheat Blogger gives birth to irony in this post detailing a recent abortion bill signed by Gov. Blunt.

More equal than others

Local blogger Dan points out the inequity in First Class seating.

Snake Oil

Recently, a local company has been accused of selling fake medicine. And once again this story reminds me of the stereotypes that permeate our daily lives. Every night the news informs us that the darkies will kill us all. Apparently, you also have to worry about dying as a consequence of a white guy’s swindle. Robert Courtney was sitting in the front row of his church while he was pushing fake cancer meds. I’m sure the authors of this recent alleged scam were taking suburban bliss for granted as the arteries of their customers slowly constricted because of plaque.

It’s best not to trust anyone, save the kindly Asian women who will promise and deliver a happy ending.

God hates white people

An Olathe man was recently struck by lighting.

The Stand

Here’s an earth shattering story from the hinterlands of suburbia: Three teenage boys are accused of pointing a toy handgun at three girls running a lemonade stand over the weekend.

The story isn’t really that funny except the part where an official notes that the white boys could have been shot in the process. However, it did bring to mind two of the rules that I live by:

• I could never live in the suburbs. If they authorities are walking around hassling people for the possession of a toy gun there’s no way my ugly, ethnic looking ass could stroll through a posh suburban neighborhood without having at least a dozen people call the cops. I hate to be stereotypical but I know what most white people are thinking. I know when they see me in their neighborhood, they're afraid that I’m going to have sex with their family and steal their car. This is only half true.



• I don’t trust lemonade stands. It’s based on appearances and it seems sleazy: A few white kids on the corner selling something sweet. Additionally, if Al Qaeda really wanted to create some terror they could simply get a hold of some white kids and poison an entire community. I don’t trust someone that everyone trusts. Finally, lemonade stands are part of some stupid social agreement that says that white kids are trust worthy and brown kids will kill you. While this also may be true, I refuse to take part.
  

The Speed of Stupid

Yesterday a white kid killed two people while he was allegedly driving on a liquor and drug binge.

Apparently, he was a habitual menace behind the wheel. I have no idea how this kid was able to hold on to his license.

Officials said that Vinzant had taken amphetamines, cocaine, methadone and painkillers, in addition to having a blood alcohol concentration of .09.

The Clay County prosecutor said Vinzant has three prior alcohol convictions.

And here is where I’m gonna take the deaths of these two ladies and use them for my own political purposes: Around the country there is outrage over offering driver’s licenses to illegal aliens/undocumented workers/brown people. Well this case clearly shows that everyone on the road is susceptible to the actions of a moron no matter what their ethnic background. Maybe it’s a better idea to just keep the roads safe, make sure habitual drunk drivers aren’t on the streets and everyone is obeying the traffic laws rather than playing politics with a the privilege to operate a car and thereby ensuring that people will be break the law in order to earn a decent income. Seriously, keeping traffic safe is far more important than hassling illegal aliens who are providing cheap labor, more babies to fight our wars and authentic ethnic food.

A personal note

Ugh. Woke up a little late (or early depending how you look at it) today. Yesterday my girlfriend said the funniest, nastiest thing in the world to me: “I did laundry today but I didn’t wanna wash my sheets because they smell like you.”

Then I said, “That’s sweet. What do I smell like?”

“I don’t know . . . maybe pizza, Dr. Pepper and ass.”

She paused for a moment and then offered, “Yeah. I think I’ll go ahead and wash them right now.”

A Desperate Housewife Defends Taylor

Somewhere in this city a guy’s dinner is late because of this laundry list of bullshit.

It’s a shame.

While this woman is taking time to defend KCMO Superintendent Taylor, she could have been teaching her rug rats to read, tutoring a disadvantaged child or staying quite until the commercial.

A lonely, misguided woman writes:

To: Each Kansas City School Board Member

This letter is being written as a result of recent letters, articles and comments regarding the renewal of Superintendent Dr. Bernard Taylor's contract.

Unfortunately, the content of some articles is skewed.

I am a constituent of the Kansas City, Missouri School District who attended Kansas City schools from the age of five (5) until graduation from high school. I can remember teachers, principals, school boards, and superintendents who, seemingly, worked together to educate students.

A while back, things began to change. Along with the changes emerged individuals with an infusion of politics, bigotry, assertiveness, unawareness of purpose, and an onslaught of personal agendas. Some of these changes came with the elections to the various school boards. Unions became more vocal and tenured teachers no longer allowed principals to do their jobs. Only effective teachers continued teaching students. These and other factors contributed to the breakdown of the process set forth to educate children. While the buck stops with the Superintendent, what role did the School Board, Principals, Union, and poorly performing teachers play in this demise?

Superintendents have been selected based on their resumes which have shown academic training and experience "the American way." It has always concerned me that personality, common sense, and the ability to relate to people have not been taught, and cannot be measured anywhere close to accurately - that is, not until the Superintendent is on the job and confronted with solving problems, working with individuals/groups, and making effective decisions.

To my knowledge, when Dr. Bernard Taylor accepted the position of Superintendent, he walked into a quagmire of magnanimous proportions filled with a cesspool like fodder a complaining government, upset parents (another whole issue), a divisive school board, perturbed principals and teachers, and by all indications students who wanted to learn. The news media ran daily comments and the training of children was scattered in several directions, resulting in increased student enrollment in private, magnet, and charter schools.

After approximately five (5) years, Dr. Taylor has moved the District to the rim and above the quagmire, ridded the District of some non-performing personnel, assisted students in rising to meet standards while calming the media, to name a few achievements. In addition, he has worked to make effective decisions in challenging situations. All of this has been done quietly while showing an interest in the education of children. From at least one simple citizen's point of view, he has done his job well amidst what several Superintendents considered insurmountable odds.

My question, and I don't really expect an answer: Is not a good "bird" in hand better than several prospects in the "bush?" Your likely intended replacement hasn't experienced the "quagmire-like" possibilities.

I'm a citizen who has been following the District's activities closely. I make no claim to fame. However, my opinions are shared in the interest of fairness. And lastly, I am one of the electorate who wonders if the Superintendent is the problem?

Linda M. Ransom

A member of the electorate

Sweet mother of mercy, no she didn’t. Yep, she used the term “bush” without a hint of irony! Awesome. I also dig the way she uses words like ‘quagmire’ because she recently heard them on TV.

This blog is pretty much a sign that I’m losing my mind but it sure beats mailing out dumbass letters in defense of a scam artist like Taylor. I don’t know what’s worse: people who just don’t care about this city’s schools or a busybody bitch like the author of this memo.

Wait a minute . . . thinking . . . hold on a sec.

No, other than nipple torture, I don’t think there is anything worse than this broad.

Area Lowe's employees could enter class action

As many as 75,000 employees could join a KCK federal lawsuit alleging that the company failed to pay overtime compensation.

Lawsuits are much more rewarding than home repair.

Drink Up KC

Drunk with power, local officials don't really need to tell you about new bars opening in your neighborhood.

Off and Running

Yet another white person wants to be in charge of KC. The 4th district is the last bastion of while folks in midtown. I’m all for putting white people in power (Go Iraq!) but it seems like an old codger like Solomon is going to get railroaded by the slick condo/loft developers that are infesting the city.

He promises to: “fight to ensure that there is zero tolerance for discrimination or bigotry of any kind. I will strive to create more opportunities for meaningful community participation in decision-making.”

Maybe that means stepping aside and letting the darkies have a say for themselves.

Additionally, you have to question the guy’s judgment if he puts his folksy personal scribblings on the web for everyone to see along with a phone number. Lord knows how many times the phrase “Eat my big fat cock!” has some up in local city politics. It’s never too early to start psyching out the competition.

Driving while dumb

Over the weekend the man was out in full force. Recently, the KCPD made a ton of DUI arrests on streets of KC. No grandma’s were hurt in the process but the streets are now free of impaired drivers. That should be a comfort to you as you plan your next drive-by shooting.

The Grand Design

Sunday’s edition of The Star featured a revealing article about developers in KC. The story didn’t report anything new but it did confirm my suspicion that KC developers are simultaneously building a cozy spot in Hell as they work to turn all of KC into a luxury mini-mall.

The article also featured a profile of a few women involved in the redevelopment process. Apparently, redevelopment in KC means replacing one set of cocksuckers with the next. The days of the $5 crack whore are over, now you have to buy a loft in order to get a blowjob in downtown KC. Inflation is a bitch.

Cock Rock in KC

By now I’m sure you’ve all wondered why in the Hell is Tesla and Poison back on the radio. Apparently, yet another local radio station has gone tits up.

Frankly, I’m enjoying the new music. It reminds me of white trash girls and their bad hair and cheap tattoos. Rock on!

Arts center will go to 16th and Broadway

While the heads of local leaders will remain up their asses.

I’m sure this space will do wonders to serve the poor brown masses of KC. Ugh, this monstrosity represents the worst part of KC life. The project was championed by a bunch of socialite whores and it will only serve to provide a spot for cocktail parties for their Johnson County friends. The project was funded primarily with private money but don’t think that they didn’t get a lot of help from KC officials who would do anything short of sucking dick to remain in the good graces of the people with money in this town.

I hope that the spot features wonderful music that only the most boring of white people will enjoy, and I hope they play it loud in order to drown out the teeming masses of brown people outside the doors of the ritzy complex.

75-Year-Old In Custody After Grain Valley Standoff

Most likely, the old man was carted away muttering something like “They took our jobs” or “Get off my land!” while watching Fox News.

Be careful pulling out

Make sure everything is fastened. Move slowly. Don’t spill anything. And lie about making another date.

Additionally, you might wanna look both ways as you exit your driveway because two people were recently killed in KC while doing just that.

Back to the Lab

The Salvation Army is opening a computer lab for low income kids. Finally, the poor babies will be able to have access to porn other than watching their mothers turn tricks.

Plan seeks to improve North Oak

A new IROC-Z in every garage, discounts on hairspray, half price weeknights at Fazoli's and no taxes on all gold chains. Is this good news for Northland residents? Fuhgetaboutit!

Hoax costs KC EMS

Crazy bitches are lurking all over the Internet. Some of them have blogs where they detail their fight against Munchenhausen by proxy Syndrome while others make prank calls that cost KC thousands of dollars.

The current film Cry Wolf is based on exactly this kind of Internet/cell phone/text message mischief. In the film, young kids dicking around with new technology are brutally murdered by a serial killer. While I wouldn’t want to see anyone killed, I think that all cell phones should contain a “mutual shock button” where you can send a few thousand volts of electricity to anybody dialing your number. The invention would not only end all prank calls but also provide a powerful deterrent against drunk dials.

K-State player arrested

KMBZ reports: "Thomas Clayton is charged with nearly hitting a university parking services employee with his car."

With a little practice I’m sure his accuracy will increase. It’s early in the season and players aren’t yet in full stride.

Honoring a mass murderer

A winning design has been selected for a proposed statue of Harry Truman outside Union Station. Sadly, the icon won’t feature the son of the Show-Me state standing upon a mountain of dead Jap skulls.

Meaningless Early Season Victory for KC

Chiefs 23, Raiders 17. Don't let the score fool you. The real losers are any dumbass local sportscasters touting the "great start" by this town's late season losers. Remember only a few seasons ago the Chiefs were undefeated for more than half the season only to lose in the first round of the playoffs. Last night's game was one of the sloppiest exhibitions I've ever seen. It seems as if the players were using crack before the game rather than afterward in the company of blonde hookers/groupies.

Drugs are bad

In my experience, brown people sell the drugs and white people use them. When I went to high school there was always a van full of white kids in the far corner of the parking lot and every morning they would do enough drugs to kill a small horse while listening to death metal.

The mayor of Detroit knows that many white kids are drug addled little brats and he's created a controversy for pointing out the fact:

Facing a tough re-election fight, Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick last week fed the long-standing rivalry between the city and its suburbs . . . The mayor singled out two school districts in neighboring Oakland County as having higher rates of drug use than Detroit's.

"In Birmingham and Bloomfield Hills and all these places, they do more meth, they do more Ecstasy and they do more acid than all the schools in the city of Detroit put together," Kilpatrick said

I suggest that the same is true of KC in comparison with the Shawnee Mission School District. For a short time I lived among those people and never in my life have I seen such debauchery. From what I've seen in the adolescent White community, drugs are as commonplace as cargo pants. Additionally, illicit drugs are the only way I can explain the popularity of the Dave Matthews Band among suburbanites and the fact that every girl white girl I've seen in the mall nowadays is doing their best to look like a whore.

Nevertheless, the fact that white kids do a lot of drugs shouldn't be of much concern. The judicial system is working diligently to lock up all the brown kids selling the drugs in order to keep our society clean and sober.

Flunk You

Dr. Bernard Taylor makes a shit load of money and lives in a wonderful, expensive condo that overlooks the skyline of KC. Also, in the same period of time that he’s been in KC, our school district has time and again failed to meet accreditation standards.

If you’re a dunce in school and don’t do your homework you will (usually) get an F. On the other hand, Dr. Taylor’s reward for his consistent failure seems to be a kickass stream of income from the suckers that fund education in this city. I hope the kids of KC schools learn that if you can work your way to a bullshit doctorate in Education the world is your oyster as long as you have decent political connections and throw cool parties in your stucco palace.

Show-Me Osama

Recently, a federal judge ruled that the Islamic American Relief Agency-USA, based in Columbia (MO), supported terrorists and was part of a network of groups that backed U.S. enemies. The relief agency denies the charges and says it’s just a charity but apparently they don’t know that nobody gives a fuck what brown people say in the middle of Missouri.

I won’t go into the details of the case because I don’t really know whether or not those people are terrorists but I will say that they don’t stand a chance of getting a fair trial because they are have dark complexions and stupid sounding names. I’ll also note that terrorists in Missouri just don’t make any fucking sense; there is nothing here to blow up. Nobody cares enough about anything in this shithole in order to rejoice at its destruction. The World Trade Center was an engineering marvel, a wonder of the world . . . Somehow I don’t see the world shuddering in terror if some Jihadist took out all of middle Missouri and subsequently weakened the world’s supply of Walnut Bowls.

Thing is, I know where the Muslims in Missouri made their mistake. If they weren’t secretly working to overthrow the world from some shitty office in Columbia, Missouri (doubtful) they were guilty of giving a shit about their homeland and their brethren across the world. That is simply Un-American. If Muslims in America don’t want to catch hell, they are going to have to completely sell out. No more trips to Mecca and nothing more than lip service to the values of their religion. Just like Americans they would probably do good to completely forget about any priorities other than making as much money as possible and having sex with white women. Church, Temple, Synagogue or Mosque is for nothing other than sleeping off a hangover from the previous nights partying; this is the American way.

Every group of immigrants has undergone this same problem. German people came to the U.S. and because they are a war mongering, hateful race of people who started two world wars they totally had to abandon their bullshit culture. Is there any semblance of a cultural identity of the “German-American?” Italians and the Irish had things a little tougher and that’s why they formed mobs, bought I-ROCs, drank excessively and use copious amounts of hairspray. Likewise, people have always yelled at Mexicans to learn English but never really complained as long as their yard was neatly trimmed.

In the end, the only option for all immigrants is to swallow your dignity, pride, honor and traditions and get in line at Wal-Mart like everybody else. Truth be told, this option is easier than it seems. Why hold on to the faith of your fathers when you can have Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes staring at you with their dead eyes!!! So have hope Missouri Muslims! As long as you forsake all of your values and traditions in favor of all-you-can-eat buffets and the god given right to drive and SUV, you will live (relatively) free from persecution.

Too Much Drama

Today, The Star trumpets a new “alternative direction” for theater in Kansas City. However, I’m pretty sure that theater in this town is still going to remain utterly gay.

It’s called alternative theater — rough, experimental, rude, challenging, sophisticated and bold. It’s being created by mainly young artists who are less concerned with commercial success than they are with the act of producing plays for an audience that might not think of attending Kansas City Repertory Theatre, the American Heartland or even the Unicorn.

Basically, this article refers to all the new shitbox dives that have cropped up in the middle of town that allow drama queens to act a fool in front of someone other than their family. The fare in these theaters is supposed to be “edgy” but I think the edge that the article refers to is simply that of good taste. Places like the Just off Broadway Theater and the Late Night Theatre are great if you’re looking for some anonymous, unprotected hot anal action (I would guess – no homo) but I wouldn’t expect to see the next Marlon Brando flitting across the stage.

Actually, I kind of feel sorry for all the partners of the untalented divas performing in KC’s underground theater. For the rest of us, at the end of the show we can go home and forget about it. Somebody dating a local thespian has to act like their partner has talent around the clock.

Grito

Today is Mexican Independence Day. So tip your busboys well and be nice to your maid . . . ya exploitative bastard!

I’ve only been to Mexico on vacation. I’m a Chicano or what the Mexicans like to call “pocho” (half-baked). Furthermore, I live in the Midwest and while the Latino population is growing everywhere this is still pretty much no-man’s land. Still, Latinos from Kansas City to Tiera del Fuego know that we have more things in common than not. Illegal or otherwise, migrant worker or professional, activist or Republican we are all members of what was once called “La Raza” and now is now referred to with makeshift terms like “Hispanic.”

And while I don’t have any love for the government of Mexico, I’m happy to celebrate with people who share my culture. Sure this might come off like nationalist sentiment but despite what polls or a few sellouts might say there is a sense among many Latinos that we are the future of the Western Hemisphere of this planet. Despite borders, discrimination or anti-immigrant sentiment Mexican culture has endured conquerors, outside influences and changing times . . . we continue to adapt, adjust, sometimes assimilate and hopefully advance . . . this process is happening all over the country and right here in Kansas City.

¡Viva La Raza!

The Mindset of a Champion

If you’ve been reading this blog lately, you know that I’ve been posting fewer links and concentrated on commentary. I’ve been inspired by a young man from rural Missouri named Byron Crawford (no homo). He’s the inventor of what’s called “The Mindset of a Champion” which is basically a nice way of saying that you shouldn’t give a fuck about what anybody else says, thinks or writes about you. Local blog Death’s Door has had this kind of attitude for years and the power of his writing proves it. I’m starting late but I’m a quick study. This blog will always be about Kansas City but I’ve discovered that you don’t need a lot of links to know what’s going on in this city. You just need a place where you can say whatever is on your mind without any pressure from advertisers, editors or publishers. Ultimately, this is the strong point of blogs and the only thing that makes them worthwhile. In this domain, I am responsible only to the joke or the point I’m making. I love comments but I could give a shit about political correctness, your feelings, my own sense of decency or the Queen’s English.

The Mindset of a Champion means that you will not be fucked with . . . you will do the fucking. Crawford says that “It’s like the force, only it’s real.”

There are real world applications of this attitude but they’re pretty ugly. Currently, a young man from KCK is on an epic and seemingly painful quest to prove that bullets can’t kill him. The guy has been shot more times than Geronimo but he refuses to go down for the dirt nap. Today, the guy was in court for a murder rap and was shot shortly after the hearing ended in a mistrial. His track record preceding today’s latest volley of bullets thrown his way is awe-inspiring and worthy of note:

In May 2004, Mitchell was shot and seriously wounded. He recovered, but the case was never solved. Eight months later, Mitchell was charged in the Watson shooting. He posted bond and was released. Several days later, Mitchell was shot and wounded again when someone fired an automatic weapon into his car.

Truly, this guy is a champion and should be lauded as a fine example of the persistence and perseverance of local youth. Not only is the guy relentlessly pursuing his own goals but he’s single-handedly making sure that your blood donations don’t go to waste. I’d offer to shake the guy’s hand and wish him well but I’m afraid that getting close to him would mean being grazed by a bullet. Instead, I’ll take this opportunity to wish him the best, encourage him to invest in Kevlar clothing and hope that his enemies don’t starting using weapons of a greater caliber.

Hipster Hop

Tonight the Urban Culture Project is presenting a hip-hop showcase/multi-media art exhibit. The local hipster darlings (read: cock boys) MK-12 will be the biggest name exhibiting their work. However, if you like rap, go over to Kansas, buy a 40oz. kick back and watch a re-run of Rap City on BET. But if hanging out with a bunch of posers who would have sex with their sister if somebody said it was cool . . . than this is the event for you.

In this town there is a radical divide between the denizens of this kind of event and the slightly more talented gangsta rappers. The smarter rappers know that there is a more lucrative future in selling (out) to white audiences. Still, maybe the rise in gangsta rap related violence in KC can somehow be linked to the more vanilla “hipster hop” propagated by this town's trendsetters. Lord knows that all of these white kids wanting to be “down” makes me want to go get a gun.

Getting better all the time

In their current issue, The Pitch published an article claiming that a recent murder in the Paseo Corridor was a setback to progress that the neighborhood has achieved. Clearly, the assertion is not only false but dangerous. Anything close to Paseo hasn’t been decent since the sixties and the fact that murders declined in the 90’s wasn’t a sign of improvement but merely a statistical anomaly. If you read further into the article the author (Bryan Noonan) lists welfare fraud, prostitution and barrages of gunfire as continuous problems in the area. That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement of an urban renaissance.

The truth about nearly every part of KC proper east of Troost is that not even Black people want to live there. The area is a hopeless shithole inhabited mainly by the worst (gangsta, drug dealer) elements in the city along with people too broke to live anyplace else and this is a fact that The uber-hip, ultra liberal Pitch won’t publish, the TV news won’t report and The Star along with the City Council and Mayor Kay seemingly ignore. The Eastside of KC is a wasteland. Every Black person I’ve met with anything resembling a nice income has scurried out of the place. The Black middle and working class have spilled over into Grandview, Raytown, and Lee’s Summit. You can argue semantics, I’m sure there are a few places that are livable but both you and I know that I’m referring to the poor black parts, the areas with the highest crime, places like the Paseo Corridor.

The article notes the September 11 dedication of Piano Park near Charlie Parker Square but fails to recall that (within walking distance of the area) serial killer Terry Blair was performing a murderous hooker killing jam session only last year. In the end, it doesn’t matter if the neighborhood is getting slightly better or worse; the kid lamented in the story is still dead because of a basketball game and that kind of story is typical all over Kansas City’s East side. There won’t be any real change in the neighborhood without an accurate portrayal of the area that eschews political correctness. So far, it seems that even the local media are skirting the problems of KC’s eastside and avoiding a painful discussion regarding the inexorable link between poor Black neighborhoods and violent crime.

Crazy Bitch

Claire McCaskill says that Missouri isn’t properly taking care of the mentally ill. She’s right; we’ve got insane bitches running around talking all kinds of shit and campaigning for the Senate. I’ve seen the look in Claire’s eyes and believe me; the woman needs every bit of mental healthcare the state can provide.

Either the woman has given up sleep or she makes up for it by curling up into a fetal position and taking cat naps under her desk. She would be a great Senator because I’d imagine that everyone would just solve their own problems rather than having to spend two minutes alone with her in a room in order to ask for a favor.

And then there's the crazy shit that comes out of her mouth. She’s a well educated woman (gone wild) who comes from a good family and she’s pretending to be some poor “Daisy Duke” country girl in order to sway the rednecks in the rural areas of the state. I wonder what some of her other personalities might be? Will she go to St. Louis and pretend to be a welfare mother with a crack habit and a bunch of baby’s daddies? Is she gonna become a stripper in order to garner their vote against the recent Republican bullying they’ve endured? Will she hop in the back of a pickup, throw on a baseball cap and become a migrant worker for a day? I’d like to see her take on the persona of a sexy school teacher and rap my knuckles until I was begging for more abortions and higher taxes for all the citizens of the Show-Me State.

And don’t think that bitch isn’t crazy enough to try all those things if it earned her a few votes.

Uncharted Territory

Charter Schools in KC were always a bad idea and now the mistake may cost the KC School District millions of dollars.

The basis for charter schools was a desperate acknowledgement that the KC School District was doing such a shitty job of providing an education that parents, teachers and rouge administrators could band together and create something better. Turns out the initiative spawned nothing more than a union of money hungry misanthropes who couldn’t hack it in public education but somehow resurfaced to extort cash from a foolhardy schooling plan.

In the end, the charter schools have been an overwhelming failure unless teenage pregnancy, embarrassing after school fights and preparing future convicts for jail was the objective. In spite of all the trumpeting of charter schools as the panacea to this town’s decades long public education decline that began with desegregation, kids in KC still have a substandard educational system that is marked by violence, inefficiency and insolvency.

And after slamming KC schools I always like to point out that Latinos drop out of the KC School District at a rate of more than 60%. The number of Latino dropouts has been shamefully high for more than a generation and neither Dr. Taylor nor any of the (predominantly Black) longtime school district officials have made any headway in addressing the situation. And as more Latinos populate the district year after year, officials continually ignore this growing constituency in favor of throwing even more resources at young gangsta rappers and other crackheads/meth addicts in training.

At any rate, like “magnet schools” the Charter program has turned out to be just another bad idea that will cost an exorbitant amount to fix. This time the KC School District may be forced pay for one of their mistakes. Usually, the students are the ones who end up paying the price.

Global Meltdown

Thanks to Benjamin for this tip:

Apparently, Global Spectrum has pretty horrible track record in terms of their management of Kemper Arena and the local media seem to be ignoring the series of disappointments.

Since the city gave the keys to Kemper to Global Spectrum in Jan. '04 . . . The Outlaws have come and gone....the Comets have gone . . . The Knights were moved to Hale, and then moved out. Arena football is not coming as previously hyped.

And now they’re trying to work with the city to lure the NBA in as a temp. home for the New Orleans Hornets?

We've seen very little in the media regarding Global Spectrum's track record in the city. When will we see a piece dissecting their role in all of these cases?

KC Cholo on the subject of "Splashback"

The KC Cholo is a new feature here at TKC. He’s this guy I know who’s pretty cool and has some great insights about current events in KC.

Damn, essay it feels bad to be ignored. Mr. Dave “I’ve got so much integrity that I can bore the shit out of everyone” Helling reports that all the money spent on Hurricane Katrina Disaster Relief could take away funds from future flood control projects in Kansas City.

Unfortunately, Helling fails to mention constantly flooded Southwest Boulevard in his article. The Boulevard is reg-u-lar-ly flooded whenever KC gets anything more than a light shower. It’s not that bad though Holmes. My uncle Pepé has a boat. During the last flood the vato left me at his restaurant to sandbag but it was no use. He picked us up later and we rowed on up to Summit to visit my tiá. She has a bunch of new neighbors with sharp condos that overlook the skyline. The cabrones blocked our view and they aren’t very neighborly but anything is better than dealing with crackhead Luke at the end of the block.

Speaking of a pain in the ass, I’ve got a homie that works at a local factory and Hurricane Katrina has put him out as well. His employer is getting a tax break to hire refugees from New Orleans. That’s great and all but my homie has been working there for years, he does a good job. They don’t pay him much but he’s from Mexico without any papers, so he takes what he can get.

Anyway, it turns out that all the Mexicans are going to be fired in order to hire the refugees from New Orleans. There have already been a few problems; word is that the first batch of new hires aren’t working out so well. The job is nothing but bum pay, long hours and no chance at promotion and let’s just say that the new folks are less than grateful for the opportunity to bust their hump for peanuts. In the end, the boss will probably lose whatever tax break he received to productivity slumps.

Pitting one group of poor people against another is bad news man. It seems like the biggest disaster wasn’t the hurricane but bad ideas and poor planning by the government afterward. Asi es la vida.

New Blog: A fine tune

The author of a great local music blog takes up new digs. Check her out.

Fund Drive

I don’t know why some poor PR woman sent this to me because lately my blog is nothing more than inappropriate jokes and racial humor but apparently there is a pretty cool fund drive being organized by The Alliance of Greater Kansas City United Ways.

The United Way 300 fund drive offers the chance “to bid on eBay for race tickets, merchandise, and one-of-a-kind opportunities like starting the race or waving the checkered flag.” They’re also raffling a truck and auctioning a Harley.

Maybe TKC is the kind of lowbrow site that NASCAR fans might enjoy but I would think that I bad mouth white people so much on this blog that I’m sure they would rather just listen to (former drug addict) Rush and yell “that’s right!” from the safety of their car. Anyway, it looks like a good cause and a pretty smart marketing strategy. Clearly, hoping for a fatal crash at the Speedway is a great way to help the less fortunate.

New Blog: The Un-Zone

Another law student from KU bears his soul. I always thought I should have gone to law school. I still might because it seems like those guys have a lot of time to blog.

Hooray for Taxes!

Never mind that the Chiefs are a bunch of overpaid thugs who are better at hitting women than opposing quarterbacks. Forget that people in this town are just barely convinced that they should contribute to making Lamar Hunt even wealthier by approving a tax increase. What’s important is boobies and controlled violence. That’s why I love the Chiefs cheerleaders and hope to purchase one when my ship comes in.

A Chiefs cheerleader is a special kind of skank. They are paid a meager salary, they probably will not go on to achieve great fame and training for the job takes up a lot of time. However, the gig allows them just a tiny, precious moment in a dim spotlight. For a little while on Sunday they are prettiest broads around even if it only means small scale celebrity in a cowtown working for a consistently mediocre franchise. Still, the Chief’s cheerleaders have a lot of heart to put a smile on for the multitude of fans that have neither a cursory understanding of the game nor an original thought about how to spend their leisure time.

If a recent photo series of the Chiefs cheerleaders is any indication of beauty standards in Kansas City, apparently hair spray is all the rage around these parts. Personally, I’m not a big fan of hair products because they make a woman’s mane too fragile for a good pull. But the women of the Chiefs liberally apply all kinds of beauty products in order to affirm their self worth. Likewise, it’s somehow fitting that the Chiefs employ an array of gussied up whores to sell their product. Most scam artists utilize some version of “the honey pot” in order to bilk a mark out of hard earned cash.

Trend Spotting OR Cutting Edge

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you stop being cool and start keep track of what’s cool. I don’t think I’ve ever been fashionable but I have a good eye for the latest craze among the kids. And in KC, all the cool kids are playing with sharp objects.

Esmie Tseng (a song. He-he!) started off the craze by brutally shipping her mom off to the great rice paddy in the sky and now a kid from Central High School mercilessly opened up one of his classmates with a box cutter.

Truly, this is more than kids just cutting up. The youth of KC is sharp and they want everybody to know it. Expect all the cool kids to be packing swords, knives and various other blades in order to go along with the crowd. Sadly, this may mean that the poorer young ones will have to suffice with a pair of dull scissors from Wal-Mart but I’m sure that taking an after school job will quickly earn an enterprising young lad the sharpest blade on the street.

I don’t know if the latest trend signifies that gun control laws are working but I am glad to know that the kids in KC are making it a point to keep assault and murder as trendy as possible.

Another Chiefs Bar Room Brawl

The Chiefs are off to a great season! Not only did they kick ass in their first game but also have an undefeated record in bar room brawls. The latest drunken incident involves a Chief’s running back Larry Johnson, who spiked his ex-girlfriend like a football at The Drink off the Plaza.

While local blogger Faith thinks the incident is tacky, I’m okay with it* as long as the winning streak continues. However, if (when) the Chiefs start to lose, do we get to smack them around?

*However, throwing your girlfriend around should probably be done in private. That way she has a better chance of understanding just how much you love her and then making dinner.

Krazy Kris Kobach

Kansas blog “Fire Dennis More” reports that Kris Kobach is considering a run for Governor in the Sunflower State. I didn’t know that being the biggest asshole in the four state area was a qualification for the position. Other than hating Mexicans there’s not a lot that Kobach can run on. He was overwhelmingly spanked by Dennis Moore in an election that begrudgingly made me admit that white people aren’t all that bad. Since then, he has appeared on the O’Riley Factor and been spotted hanging out with Dick Cheney. I guess the guy is all about winning hearts and minds, making friends with a falafel misusing pervert and the nation’s worst war profiteer.

Anyway, this is a bad idea. The President has an all time low approval rating and the situation in Iraq seems to be worsening. Apparently, the Republican strategy of tax cuts and war mongering hasn’t exactly panned out and been outright shitty as far as gas prices are concerned. As a brief aside, if Iraq isn’t a war for oil . . . would somebody please start one? I’d be okay with civil war and killing brown women and children if gas could get back under a dollar. Hell, I might even encourage you to send your first born child to lose limbs in the conflict.

Anyway, Kobach is a polarizing figure with all of the charisma of a colonoscopy. Kansans were right to bitchslap him back into university life. I hate the guy so much it’s hard to put into words, if I ever see him I’m afraid I might go apeshit and kick his ass on general principal. (You can only talk so much shit about Mexicans until you have to answer for it) I only wish he could be satisfied with being a law professor at UMKC and not taking his bullshit outside the classroom.

The Politics of Donuts

A longtime Kansas City favorite, Lamar’s Donuts, is moving back to the heart of the city. Lamar’s is tasty and their French Twist is good enough to justify enduring the diabetic coma that will follow but there’s always been something odd about this local pusher of fry bread.

When I was a kid, I loved visiting Lamar’s with my Mom on a Saturday morning. We’d stand it line and notice a great diversity of people waiting for their order. There were suits, Black people, doctors, people from the neighborhood and white teenagers. Outside, luxury cars, station wagons and Volkswagens (the official hippie car) waited in the parking lot. I always wondered why there were so many white people in this spot than in any other corner of my neighborhood.

And then I learned the term “hipster.” Hipsters love urban hangouts and the opportunity to mingle with the same Black people that their parents avoid. As long as it’s relatively safe, a hipster will seek out a racially integrated setting in order to seem trendy. Unlike “posers” who only show up that the most exclusive and widely acclaimed occasions, hipsters actively look for the opportunity to earn some pathetic semblance of street cred.

When a hipster comes back to the office with a box of Lamar’s donuts, it’s like their bringing back the spoils of an urban safari back to the safe, white inner sanctum of the corporate world. The announcement of “I got Lamar’s!” to the office is usually accompanied by a smug smirk directed at all of the soccer moms. As if to say, “See, I can go around Black people and not get scared. I’m adventurous! Yeah, I could have been raped because of this sugary treat but it’s worth it to prove that I’m cooler than you. Suck on your Krispy Kreme bitch. I’m down!”

Want proof? The East Midtown location has almost always done great business but in 1993 Lamar’s donuts tired to franchise the operation and it was a gigantic failure. Why? Because nobody wants to pay more for the same kind of donut that you can get at grocery store or some other place. Purchasing donuts from Lamar’s on Linwood and Main falsely signifies that you’re “okay” with the darkies. Sure, you may not want to live with them, you don’t like to hire or promote them, you don’t want your daughter dating one but if you pick up a few dozen donuts in a black neighborhood, all of a sudden you’re a decent guy.

Despite a few meager improvements to the area surrounding Linwood and Main, the locale is still predominantly Black and shitty. While the earlier failure of the store might have rested more with the over extension of their franchise business or just bad management . . . there is still a lot of white guilt in this town on which they can capitalize.

Prom Night in Kansas City

Recently, I sat down with my brother to watch "Prom Night in Kansas City." The documentary is billed as "An exploration of the consummate American coming-of-age ritual as it is observed in middle America." Obviously, the story centers around the various rituals undertaken by different socio-economic groups of kids preparing for their respective proms.

Hali Lee serves as the director and narrator of this behind the scenes look into a mainstay of Midwestern teenage life. She proudly proclaims that she has been "obsessed" with prom since her teenage years. Apparently, her prom didn't live up to her expectations. As she revealed this fact, immediately I knew the source of her problem.

She's Asian.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but "the prom" isn't intended for minorities. The prom is for "Mary Jane Rotten Crotch" and all her bitchy little cohorts. As a teenager, if you aren't blonde and nobody in your family is blonde then the prom is not for you. Having said that, if you are white . . . by all means . . . Enjoy! The documentary featured and exceptionally whiney young man from one of the Shawnee Mission High Schools that couldn't get over the pretentiousness of the whole event and seemingly drove himself crazy by the end of the movie. I was almost sure that the end of the film was gonna contain a shootout scene where the malcontent finally found a way to make Daddy notice him. Truly, there is nothing worse than a white person who feels guilty for all of their advantages . . . there's nothing worse than a young liberal.

Watching the movie with my brother was like watching a Discovery Channel special on Mars. Neither of us went to the prom and our frame of reference was based solely on John Hughes movies. Thankfully, there is no Latino equivalent to the prom since most Latinas already have a couple of kids by the age of 16 . Still, the director took great pains to portray the subtle differences of different prom rituals from one group to the next; this was the strongest aspect of the film.

The Mormon take on prom proved to be the most interesting. No dancing, no revealing dresses, no music and pretty much no fun. It was hilarious seeing a 300lb lady dutifully making sure that the trim young bodies of 18 year-old girls were fully covered. Clearly, eating was the only pleasure that this woman's faith offered. I can only hope that when Jebus comes back and takes his super fun slide down the cool looking tower in Independence he'll tell those people to lighten the fuck up.

All in all, the movie was pretty entertaining and down right informative in some parts. While the documentary didn't ever shed the stereotypes thrust upon the kids, it did serve to accurately explain their surroundings. Sadly, not once did the director refer to all the fucking that takes place on prom night and it seems as if that lack of penetrative insight rendered the film somewhat impotent and bereft of true anthropological credibility . Still, watching this film I realized that I didn't miss much by skipping the prom. Thankfully, there will always be large social occasions where white women wear stupid looking outfits, get drunk and have sex with the person standing closest to them. Prom is one of the first nights of drunken mistakes for so many people, but it's rarely the last.

“Hip-hop is a growing cultural phenomenon in Kansas City”

Russell Simmons said this at the farce known as the "Hip-Hop Summit" which came to KC last week. However, he's right about this one, hip-hop is growing in KC along with gangsta rap related murders.

Blunt Writes Back

Gov. Blunt has penned a response to Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich who recently encouraged scientists in Missouri to relocate because of the Show-Me State's unfriendly stance toward stem-cell research.

In a letter Monday to life sciences companies in Missouri, Blunt said Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is wrong in asserting that Illinois is more hospitable to stem cell research.

Here is the first draft of the letter:

Dear Science Guys,

Don't believe that guy. People all over the state say bad things about me but my Daddy tells me not to pay attention. I'm a special little boy with nice blonde hair and a pretty smile. My mom wife also tells me that I have a pretty little bottom that's special and different from anybody else.

So don't leave the state. Some of the poorer people around here might actually need you guys. I've heard from a lot of my friends that only the sinners get sick and need your help. I don't have to worry about that because I'm pure of heart and white. But it's always good to have smart people around. So don't leave. Okay?

Maybe one day you can come to the Governor's mansion and we can play with all the toys that were supposed to go to the adopted kids but stayed here with me. They're totally awesome! Really, it would be nice if you came to visit. Sometimes I get lonely. Mostly I stay in my room upstairs while my Daddy and the rest of the grownups do all the work. They only let me come out to get my picture taken. Mostly, I stay in my room. Mostly.

Anyway, good luck with all the science stuff. Bye!

Sincerely,

Matt :)

2 Men Charged In Local Musician's Slaying

The local news has great video of these guys confirming every horrible stereotype you've ever dreamt on the long commute back to the suburbs. Basically, these two morons are laughing and admitting to being at the crime scene while in handcuffs.

Sadly, the guy died but managed to shoot one of the suspects at the scene. You would have hoped that a symphony player would have had a more steady hand.

Missouri average gasoline price sets record

KC has a high murder rate AND gasoline prices are rising. Things are certainly looking up in this part of the country.

Thankfully, Meth and bullets are still cheap.

Hallmark Flowers adds B2B service

Awesome! Now instead of a impersonal memo informing you that your job is being outsourced to India, you'll get a nice card that you can pin to yourself when you commit suicide.

Immigrant Song Cut Short

Missouri may not see as many Hurricane Katrina refugees as expected.

Damn. And I was willing to open up my home to all the big booty, Louisiana broads that were willing to sleep in my bed and make me gumbo while wearing high heels.

Teen Is KC's 84th Homicide This Year

Channel 9 News reports: "Police found 17-year-old Maurice Price inside a minivan that crashed at 24th Street and Lister Avenue."

The kid died later at a hospital.

Abortion Polling in Kansas

Lawrence blog "Thoughts from Kansas" reveals some surprising stats about the opinion of Kansans when it comes to matters of life and death.

In my own informal poll I've discovered that nearly 100% of my ex-girlfriends wished that my mom would have made a different choice regarding her unplanned pregnancy.

Space Age Shitter

Local blogger Mac notes the futuristic design of KC's new Max bus stops. It's a good thing that local bums have a funky new design to poop in at night. I'm sure they love the new digs.

The Bitch is Back

I used to call her "Laura the Whore" but then I discovered that she was actually a real human being with feelings and complex emotions. So I'll be sure to be twice as mean. Thankfully, she's back to the blogosphere in order to take some more abuse.

Well done.

Friends of Esmie

The "Friends of Esmie" need to get a fucking clue or a life real fast. Forget about defending some chick who stabbed her mom. Right now there is a Chinese kid who is being forced to play the violin and doing a horrible job. Help that little bastard stand up to his parents before it's too late. Hurry, chop-chop. Saving an innocent, yet strict parent is more important than helping a spoiled brat avoid punishment. Two Wongs don't make a right.

(The "Esmie Chronicles" by local blogger Joe are really interesting but damn if I'm not quickly running out of racist Asian jokes in order to link his posts.)

Purple Rain

Dihydrogen monoxide is a major component of acid rain. A local blogger lists its harmful effects in this post.

Blogger Cen$orship

Blogger's new "flag" button makes local blogger Chronic see red.

The Word of Brad

SPC and Brad roast each other.

Did you know that white people smell like Wonder Bread and sunscreen when they're on fire?

Word to your mother . . . tell her I'll call.

Local boy escapes abduction attempt

Nowadays, your kid’s best defense is being ugly.

Sickle Cell now suspected in MU football player’s death

The blame game continues in the death of Aaron O'Neal. While it seems that Boone County medical examiners are doing everything in their power to shift blame away from coaches who waited 90 minutes to take O’Neal to the hospital. The possible discovery of two major health problems with one of their players raises the question of the quality of medical screening in the MU football program. Once again it looks as if the coaches are negligent in protecting their players and only look to safeguard their own jobs.

Former Westar execs found guilty

KMBZ reports: "Wittig, Lake convicted on counts of conspiracy, wire fraud, money laundering."

Federal “pound me in the ass” prison might await the white collar criminals. Only one question remains: Do cons like to do it with the lights on?

4 die in weekend violence

Flood of violence in KC streets mainly affecting black people. No help on the way. Sound familiar?

Hot in here

This afternoon, KC breaks ground on a new $6.5 million fire station for the Westport and Country Club Plaza areas.

The facility might also serve as a makeshift studio for drunken skanks who have an interest in amateur photography.

Same old song

A suspected area rapist/murderer was recently found naked, in the back of a car and surrounded with guns. Somewhere, there is a country song in this story.

She’s back!

On the sad occasion of her father’s death lovely local blogger Sheri has decided to start posting again.

I knew her dad for a little while. I can honestly say that he was one of the nicest white guys I’ve ever known. My experience with the fathers of women whom I’ve dated has never been good. I’ve had grown men tell me off, send their younger relatives to kick my ass, condescend to me, badmouth me and gleam at me with that silly pucker face that white people get when they’re really upset.

Never with Sheri’s dad.

He was one of the few white men who welcomed me into his home for something other than manual labor. He impressed me in a lot of ways. Just like a white dude, he loved his job and country music. He had an awe inspiring faith that seemed to comfort him and those who loved him when he was sick. Furthermore, the guy was very honest with his feelings and didn’t put on the John Wayne act just because there was a Mexican around.

He loved his family and they adored him. During his funeral someone quoted a passage from Job and I thought it was fitting. The Bible is full of miracles, majesty, kings, prophets and saviors but what makes the story of Job so great is that he’s just a dude. Likewise, Sheri’s dad never claimed to be a great man but always tried to be a good one. Call it the white man’s burden, civilization or honor but the story of Job seems to illustrate that the struggle between good and evil can rest on one man’s shoulders. Similarly, Sheri’s dad seemed to do his best to uphold the values that he professed.

I saw Sheri’s dad plugged in to tons of machinery, endure painful chemo and struggle for his last breaths but I always remembered that he told me, “I know where I’m going.” In the end, like Job, Sheri’s dad didn’t lose faith when tragedy befell him. On the contrary, like Sam Cooke, I’ll always believe that “I don’t know what’s up there, beyond the sky” in addition to the fact that I haven’t willfully visited a church in years. Still, seeing this man’s faith in action was humbling for a heathen like me.

The lamentation of the women

Last year this town was home to a hooker murdering serial killer while this year Kansas City is working its way to a record number of murders. I know this not only because I've seen a lot of local shootings in the news but also because I’ve noticed an inordinate amount of black women weeping on TV lately.

Seriously, if there is a story that involves horrible human tragedy . . . odds are you’ll soon see a poor black woman sobbing during an emotionally charged, gut wrenching interview. Frankly, I’m sick of it. I’m not (horribly) racist, I’m not (completely) indifferent to suffering but I’m sure that somewhere in this city there is an African-American woman with a calm, well-reasoned and articulate response to a story of newsworthy misfortune. Find this woman and put a camera on her because I swear I’m gonna videotape myself beating the hell out of the next local TV journalist who sticks a camera in the face of a bereaved black woman. Seriously, I don’t wanna hear another African-American woman wailing for an audience unless there is a hip-hop beat in the background.

I went to school with a bunch of white guys. I know how obnoxious “those people” (he-he) can get. Half of the white guys I knew were screaming at the top of their lungs when they weren’t out compensating for the size of their junk. But I rarely see an irate white man on TV and when I do they’ve got a talk show where they do nothing but bitch about how Mexicans are ruining the country. The point is, mix it up. There are plenty of flakey white people out there who would love to cry, scream and yell for the camera. And I don’t mean poor mullet-heads either. Jam a camera in the face of a white JOCO man who has just lost his house in a fire, had a relative die or has been caught cheating. Let’s get his reaction. The face of human tragedy shouldn’t be stereotyped by color; clearly there is enough misery to go around.

Wine, Women and Boobs

From KC Infozine:

"The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation Greater Kansas City Affiliate will be the beneficiary of donations from the Happy Hour Fall Wine Festival on Saturday, September 24, 2005 from 4 to 8 p.m."

I can’t think of a better way to spend an evening than getting drunk and expressing my love for female hooters.

I’m seriously thinking about going to this thing, getting trashed and trying out a few lines on fellow boobie patrons.

“Hey baby, c’mon and show me what I might be missing. That’s right sweetz, use’em or lose’em. Whip those things out so we can all see what we’re talking about.”

Chiefs provide false hope

C’mon, you know how this season is gonna end. The same way that your first marriage did; with disappointment a moderate amount of violence and ultimately heartbreak.

Don’t get your hopes up. I still think you’re pretty.

Brownback kickback

Lawrence blog ‘Thoughts from Kansas’ reports that the Kansas Senator took money from a lobbyist who is under fire for scamming Native American casinos.

Does it make him an “Indian Giver” if Brownback returns the money?

12th & Vine is back on the map

Local blogger Heidi notes that city officials plan to turn the famous address into a park. I wonder if there will be a sculpture depicting KC Great Charlie Parker’s love of heroin.

Esmie old situation

Local blogger Joe thinks over the story of Esmie Tseng, the mom stabbing Asian-American girl on which he's been reporting.

Joe has uncovered some great facts about juvenile justice in Kansas and the Chinese community in KC. The writing is interesting and I'm not gonna make fun because I don’t want any pee-pee in my Coke.

During the course of his research Joe has lost a little sympathy for the young women. Apparently, he doesn’t love her long time.

Did New Orleans Sink Bush?

This local blogger wonders about the President’s falling poll numbers. Unfortunately, there is no race of darkies to blame for the disaster in NOLA.

Wait a minute!?

Okay.

He’s probably still cool.

Fat Chick Eats Crow

In between bitching about her dating life, this local blogger manages to think about a few of the other 6 billion people on the planet.

As a brief aside, I think this broad is a local media personality. I won’t say which one but she mentions it in one of her posts.

Truly, this is a remarkable post if only to note that women in the media worry about the world . . . and not just because they wonder if everyone will notice the size of their ass.

Cooked

More on local blogger Brad, the Superficial Plaza Chick is planning on roasting him. I’ll take a couple of ribs with a side of slaw. I’m guessing that she (or is SPC a he?) will devour the nuts.

Attack of the Clones

You know Brad is a great blogger becuase he can make an Iowa football game seem interesting.

All about the Benjamins

Recently, KC hosted a Hip-Hop Summit entitled "Get Your Money Right." Leading this stupidity was the “father of lies” (of the hip-hop world at least) Russell Simmons.

If you don’t know Simmons, let me give you the rundown. Certainly, he has earned a reputation as a talented businessman and producer. But, he’s also made millions by exploiting rap music, profiteering off “urban” culture and thereby promoting stereotypes and shamelessly supporting the posh lifestyle of his young pot smoking bride. What a great example for the kids of KC? There’s nothing more empowering that to hear a money hungry music mogul tell you to put the gun down and choose morality over money. Additionally, the guy is responsible for “Def Poetry” and for that alone he should be beaten by angry lesbians.

The stupidity of holding someone like Simmons up as a role model is typical of the clueless leaders of this town. The whole "Hip-Hop Summit" seems to be nothing more than a reparations rally. As the murder rate in KC continues to rise, better that a gathering of young minorities in this town be hosted by a firearms manufacturer or a liquor company rather than a sleaze bag like Simmons, at least then the kids would learn something about quality.

Taste the Kansas City Dish

No it's not a shit sandwich; it's the artistic work of a great local blogger.

Vote for Death!

He's got my vote. I want ice cream! No nuts.

Think while you drink

I wonder what happens to grown men when the become high school officials. Clearly, the job is soul crushing and it makes you pull bullshit like this out of your ass:

Fed up with some students showing up at dances drunk or halfway there, Lawrence school administrators say they soon will require students to pass a Breathalyzer before getting in.

There are more than 28 million children of alcoholics in the US, and nearly 11 million are under the age of 18. This means that there are a lot of drunks around who are being hypocrites “for the sake of the children.” Mom or dad is an alcoholic and the kids will be too, why all the fuss? Kids are gonna drink, a lot. I understand not wanting them to get behind the wheel but making liquor verboten for young adults is childish. And what’s a few months difference going to make anyway? So you prevent the prom queen from taking a drink, she’ll soon end up drunk and face down in the toilet in some random Puerto Rican guy’s dorm room by the end of her first year at college.

Better to teach responsibility. Better to tell kids that if they’re gonna drink be sure to stay away from sleazy guys with rental vans and ominous pick up lines (like me), save the urban exploring trip for when you’re sober and (for the love of God) never believe that the fat chick you’re humping hasn’t done this kind of thing every weekend night of the year. It seems like this hard line stance against teenage drinking is akin to the “abstinence myth” propagated by the conservatives. Better to wear the condom if you’re gonna do it, because you’re probably gonna do it. It’s smarter to learn not to drive drunk, not to drink till you hurl and not to make other dumb drunken decisions than trying and inexorably failing to abstain.

Con game

Growing up I played football (poorly). What I loved about the game is that it served as perfect metaphor for both warfare and the American experience. The violent aspect is obvious but it’s sometimes overplayed. Yes, people get hurt and ram into each other during a football game but I’ve yet to see anybody get tackled and end up missing their legs. Thankfully, unlike modern warfare, very few children are killed by bombs during a football game.

In terms of the American experience, football is a great learning tool. The game teaches important lessons about life in this country that your fifth grade teacher was too much of a pussy to tell you: Nothing matters but the big play. People are replaceable and only represent a “position” on a team. The players are motivated by empty promises and meaningless words. The Native Americans are long killed off, victims of the genocide that built this country, but we can still make fun of them by wearing their caricatures on our apparel. Pain is part of the equation but it’s mostly dished out to the people in the trenches and all the glory goes to the quarterback who may provide leadership but does the least work of anyone on the field. Finally, you can play a good game, pour your heart out, leave everything on the field and still lose because your opponent is simply stronger, faster or got a favorable call by the officials.

More than anything else, football is a game of hypocrisy. Violence is part of the game but it’s controlled. Rage is demanded but only between the whistles. This kind of socially acceptable fury is what might be driving Mike Tyson crazy and it’s clearly demonstrated in a recent article by The Star. Apparently, Chiefs coaches are trying to coax a middle linebacker Kawika Mitchell into being a meaner guy.

They had him in for regular meetings, and nasty, occasionally hateful things were said. The basic premise was to challenge Mitchell’s manhood.

“When the game’s not on, you can be a nice guy,” Pagac said. “When you’re home with your kids, you can be a nice guy. When you’re between the lines on a Sunday afternoon, I don’t know a whole lot of nice guys out there, particularly at that position.

“He’s our middle linebacker. He has to have an attitude. He has to set our attitude.”

And I think to myself that all football coaches are nothing more than grown men who would like to have been somebody like Hitler. Fostering rage in anybody is malevolent and it never works. Just like a boxer, fury is nearly innate and it can’t be taught. I often made up for my lack of skill, talent, speed, size and strength with my hateful attitude toward humanity. God knows how many thirty-somethings are limping around because of cheap shots by me. I once saw a movie where a football player took a gun out of his uniform and started capping people on the field and all I could feel was envy.

And then we come back to the real world. These people who are encouraging one of their players to drop the nice guy act are also part of the same organization that is shaking down this city for hundreds of millions of dollars. What’s the real world response to that kind of extortion? I’ve known people who were afraid of getting their ass kicked over twenty bucks. In KC, the football players are nice guys who usually lose in the clutch. Seemingly, nobody has a problem with this. The coaches may ask for rage from their players but if more people understood the monumental con that the Chiefs are playing on this city, some real anger would be directed at the habitually mediocre franchise funded by KC’s tax base.

School Haze

I would say that all fraternities are nothing more than racist, childish factions that exist only to mercilessly fuck loose white women, drink cheap beer and suppress the homosexual urges of their members but that’s only true of the good ones. For the most part, a fraternity is like any other group of people who gather together for camaraderie or shared interest; which is to say that they’re also misguided, insecure and gullible. A fraternity is for people who need help finding friends. The kind of person that would join a fraternity is also somebody who might unconsciously wait in the men’s restroom to smell other people’s farts.

Recently, a national fraternity has revoked the charter of its chapter at KU because of a hazing incident. Frankly, I’m against the strict hazing regulations imposed on fraternities. If you’re stupid enough to want to hang around a bunch of dudes and wait on them hand and foot (read: gay) then you deserve whatever kind of humiliation that you get. I would only suggest that they wear condoms. In fact, I suggest they wear ribbed ones for their protection and pleasure.

I won’t waste much time addressing sororities. I’ve seen the inner workings of a sorority and it seemed like nothing more than a glorified dick sucking contest. Besides, everyone knows that women are incapable of sincere friendships. Women will pretend to be sisters with another female while secretly hoping and praying that their lifelong friend will be stricken with a terminal case of breast cancer.

Minority fraternities are the worst. It’s like watching somebody put nice rims on a Hyundai or drink an expensive Pinot Noir while eating White Castle. Most college associations were meant to keep the darkies out. Starting a club, pretending to be elite, mimicking the man might be a great form of flattery to white people but it makes the participants look like trained circus animals. There is a group of Latinas at KU who have their own sorority. You can smell them coming . . . just put your nose in the air and wait for the aroma of cheap perfume and burritos. Normally, they would call the club a “single-mothers support group” but everything works differently in the within the ivory towers of a University. I would spend some time ripping on black frats as well but a career rife with affirmative action jobs and uncomfortable smiles following college seems like punishment enough.

Anyway, the point of this screed is that joining any kind of group is usually a bad decision. There are enough people in this world who want to tell you what to do. Clearly, all that you’ll get from a fraternity is some ritual abuse, humiliation and an empty feeling when it’s all over. And if you really want those things, it’d be much easier to join an organized religion. At least you’d get a tax write-off.

The Big Payback

Recently, Overland Park has been host to several car break-ins. Where I come from they’re called reparations.

The Power to Help

KCP&L is working to help victims of Hurricane Katrina. It’s a kind gesture and a decent PR move. Their disaster relief effort is sure to take your mind off them turning the lights off on some poor senior citizen. Do you have any idea how hard it is to eat dog food by candlelight? Additionally, it gets pretty hot without air conditioning or the ability to open a window for fear of a crackhead jumping though.

Anyway, starting today, there will also be trailers outside a few local Hy-vee stores taking donations.

The trailers will be open from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m from Sept. 9th to Oct. 7th at the following locations:

• 7620 State Line Road in Prairie Village


• 8900 W. 135th in Overland Park


• 8301 NW St. Clair Ave. in KC North

They need all kinds of personal care items (poor people are stinky) so check the link for details. Additionally, you could also send nude photos of yourself to this site (no dudes please) and that might help me out a bunch, depending on the size of your ass.

Cruel Reality

You know, I’ve always imagined what a woman rapist would be like and never once did it involve someone helping to rape a mentally challenged person. That’s the problem with sex fantasies; they’re never as good as you imagined them. The condom never breaks in a sex fantasy, the woman of your dreams doesn’t have a lot of baggage and a couple of chubby kids who won’t let you watch TV because they’re playing PS2 all the fucking time.

Yep, sex fantasies never pan out. That's why I’ve always found that it’s best to dream about money while rubbing one out.

Choke your chicken someplace else

Another KC landmark goes tits up as Stroud’s over on the East side is soon to close. Sure, there is another Stroud’s off Vivion but it doesn’t have half as much charm as the fire trap near Troost.

Long ago, Mayor Kay Barnes promised to help this city grow while preserving this town’s history and protecting its neighborhoods. Somehow, her campaign promise has turned into a master plan to move all of the darkies out of downtown and make things safe for white people to eat as much Chipotle as they please while living in 500k condo that overlooks all the Mexicans slaving at service jobs. I’ve seen the future of KC and it’s a pasty white condo dweller, listening to Weezer on a brand new Ipod and looking for love nightly on Match.com. This town is in desperate need of a crime wave against the newer downtown residents if only to thin out the herd of lovelorn hipsters with liberal arts degrees and energy efficient cars. I’ve heard that it’s hard to carry on witty banter while getting ass raped by a homeless guy.

Like the rest of the nation, KC is being turned into a giant strip mall where the consumer economy consists solely of shopping and eating at nationwide chain stores. I don’t know why the masses would brave a half an hour commute to eat at the same glorified Taco Bell that resides in the suburbs but I’m not an economist. What do I know about a wildly speculative market? Additionally, I don’t care if all of the real estate developers in this town go broke and end up naked in their bathrooms drunk and weeping as they desperately try to open a package of razor blades. Capitalism is a bitch goddess with a bad case of genital warts.

Awhile ago, I was at a local restaurant and an old lady was yelling at the waitress, “Change doesn’t always mean progress!” I smiled to myself and agreed as I took off with the old broad’s wallet and car keys while she was preoccupied. Clearly, that crazy, stupid, old bitch had a point.

Another blogger gets dooced

Link via Venkman. I’m waiting for this to happen in KC. If only bloggers here had jobs.

Giving till it’s gonna hurt

Over this past week I’ve ranted that the people of KC are some well meaning but misguided saps. Well, it seems as if the local blogosphere is home to one of the nicest (or dumbest depending on how you want to look at it) souls around.

Local blogger ‘Happy in Bag’ has taken a few NOLA evacuees into his home.

A kind gesture to be sure. Selfless and very compassionate.

You wanna feel even better about yourself sweetboy? Earlier this week I took the money that I might have given to disaster victims and went out gambling. Guess what? I won. I won big time. And I spent the money on luxury items, beer and gas! You can’t imagine how gratifying it is to smoke a $50 cigar and watch human tragedy unfold on the tube. I hope that makes you feel even better about yourself alter-boy. I hope this comparison clearly demonstrates the broad spectrum of depravity and kindness of which the human spirit is capable.

I’m not saying that I hope this guy’s new houseguests loot his home and then burn it down while committing horrible acts of rape on his cold lifeless corpse. All, I’m saying is that no good deed goes unpunished. On the other hand, this act of kindness could inspire others to open their hearts if not their homes. A story of compassion like this one could clearly demonstrate that there is no such thing as race, or class but only humans helping one another in a time of need. This story could show everyone that “We are the world” and God and the Bible.

Guess which option I’m pulling for.

Picks from the Arrowheadcase

OR How to donate money to the office pool. First off, I used to be one of those guys who relentlessly followed sports . . . and then I grew up. Sure, sports act as a great metaphor for the American experience and speak to issues of race, class and competition in this society. But paying $8 for a beer is just downright stupid. And I’ll be damn if I’m gonna walk around in the same jersey that a 300lb JOCO housewife is wearing.

I’ve found it much more satisfying to give my disposable income to strippers rather than professional athletes. In the end, it all goes to the drug dealers anyway.

So, enjoy the picks, there are some pretty good insights into the games this weekend. Or you could enjoy the company of your loved ones, because they can be taken from you at any instant. But fuck that, football is back on TV!

Hungry? Fughetaboutit!

Cosentino’s Food Stores plans a gourmet grocery across from the H&R Block headquarters being built at 13th and Main streets.

Ethnic stereotypes are yummy! I’d feel bad about all the jokes I direct toward Italians in KC if I didn’t owe those guinea bookie bastards so much money.

Diversity

I’m all for breaking stereotypes but at some point even the most PC windbag has to admit that asking strangers for directions because you're lost and then walking down a dark alley, in the middle of the night with a Black guy who is 6 feet tall and weighing about 230 pounds with a 3-inch afro-style haircut and wearing a white T-shirt and a baseball cap . . . well that isn’t the best idea in the world.

The KU student claims she was raped. Police are looking for the suspect. Obviously, stupidity was an accomplice as well.

Parents, please watch “The Accused” with your daughter before you send her away to college. You’ll thank me later.

Party Cove

The muddy puddle where the white people of Missouri prove that racial superiority is nothing more than a myth.

A lot of balls

KC filmmakers plan to do a biopic on the life Wilt Chamberlain. Unfortunately, the film will not be a porno.

No more making beautiful music

Suspicious circumstances surround the death of a KC Symphony musician.

Wayside Waifs let the dogs out

"Almost 40 animals rescued from a Kingsville home have found temporary shelter in Kansas City," reports Channel 9 News.

Apparently, the crazy cat lady has some competition.

Taff Pleads Not Guilty

'Thoughts from Kansas' plays the conspiracy game and comes up with a few interesting theories. I just see another white guy in a suit on trial and mutter to the TV: “They all look the same to me.”

Set List

The Kansas Law Student posts this quick concert review of the recent Dave Matthews Band performance in KC.

A Bad Day?

A former KC blogger puts things in perspective.

Don’t have to live like a refugee

Read this passionate post by local blogger KJ.

Needful things

What’s the latest buzz? Toast is having a party that will clearly demonstrate the inadequacy of men.

Life is good in Kansas

This recent Craigslist post is clearly asking God to send a natural disaster to the Sunflower State.

"Repeal the Second Amendment."

Local blogger Dan writes a thoughtful essay that takes on the arguments of gun enthusiasts.

I have to say that I’m all for people laying down their weapons . . . slowly. And slide them over to me, that’s right . . . nice and slow. Keep your hands up! Now give me the keys to your car. The wallet too. You can keep the ring but not that watch.

And your daughter is coming with me.

Hurricane victims goin' to Kansas City

"So far about 300 families that have sought local Red Cross assistance" reports KMBZ.

Guess what? They’re probably staying here as well. I thought Mayor Kay was interested in luring rich, white, loft/condo dwellers to the area and not poor looters with a penchant for rape, arson, random gunfire and anarchy.

Free Groceries for Seniors

Some crackers will help that dog food go down a lot smoother.

Unhappy Ending

It’s true, when somebody’s ball sac comes out it’s no longer considered just a “massage.”

A Lee's Summit woman went in for a massage and said she left with emotional scars.

The woman told Leawood police a veteran massage therapist touched her inappropriately.

48-year old Dennis Kindle was charged with sexual battery and touching.

Although, paying somebody to touch you seems equivalent to prostitution anyway . . . unless dinner and a movie is involved. In that case, the socially acceptable version of prostitution is enacted and the two parties must haggle over bad sex or an unenthusiastic handjob.

I’ve never (explicitly) paid for a massage. But I thought that a little inappropriate touching was part of the deal.* In this case it seems the major crime committed by the masseur is that of being ugly.

*And if I ever do pay for a massage I want the full on treatment consisting of an Asian woman who giggles and pretends to speak broken English while telling me: “You are huge!” I may or may not ask her to sing Karaoke after my happy ending. It depends how much money I have left.

Granted

About 50 KC non-profits will receive close to half a million dollars from the Missouri Arts Council.

The top three area grant recipients were the Kansas City Symphony, $60,838; the Mid-America Arts Alliance, $45,000; and the Kansas City Ballet Association, $36,707.

Future exhibitions by the aforementioned groups will all be entitled “Fuck the poor.”

Four People Wounded In Overnight Shooting

KCTV 5 reports that "The four victims have non-life threatening injuries and were expected to be okay." OR Thankfully, KC thugs need target practice.

Freedom from Blunt

Missouri’s scientists are being lured away by leaders from other states who aren’t afraid of boobies or stem cells.

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has sent letters to about 80 Missouri scientists promising them a warm welcome, great laboratories and a shot at government funding for their research.

“Here in Illinois, we’re advancing medical science by providing resources that will help stem-cell researchers continue their groundbreaking work,” Blagojevich and Illinois Comptroller Dan Hynes told them in the letter sent Aug. 29.

“We encourage you to explore the possibility of moving to Illinois and leveraging our great research institutions, where many of your colleagues have found the freedom to explore the promise of stem-cell research.”

Who needs scientists? We’ve got walnut bowls and a couple of teeth. Them thar books smarts ain’t no good no how. I believe that Jebus and Baby Blunt’s great hair will protect me.

NBA's Hornets to KC?

Blonde groupies all over the city can’t wait to be stung.

Grab your ankles and cheer

Jackson County officials are going to make sure that you and your kids will be paying for mediocre sports teams for a long time to come.

And under consideration is giving Jackson County residents better parking at Chiefs and Royals games and reduced ticket prices.

The county hopes to persuade taxpayers to pay for hundreds of millions of dollars worth of upgrades at the Truman Sports Complex in an effort to keep the teams in town through 2031 and avoid defaulting on the current leases next year.

Jackson County residents may get better parking spaces out of the deal. So what? If this proposal was fair we’d all get turns banging the Johnson County housewife of our choice. JaxCo supporting the Chiefs and Royals is equivalent to white welfare. Look in the parking lot and you’ll see mostly JoCo license plates accompanied by the smell of Wonder Bread and Sunscreen. Strange, throwing money at white people is called “investment” and doing the same to brown people is described as “welfare.” I thought Lamar Hunt was doing pretty good on his own, I didn’t know he needed our help so desperately. I hope the people of JaxCo like picking up the bill for their suburban neighbors; I guess they might be able to even the score by robbing the suburbanites as they leave the stadium.

Fixed

The UM System is discussing a fixed tuition plan.

Elson Floyd, president of the University of Missouri system, is considering fixing tuition for each incoming group of freshmen. Tuition would stay the same throughout each group's four years.

No, college students shouldn’t learn that prices increase as time moves forward. Real life lessons have no place in college. University life is about causal sex, binge drinking, Xbox and paying Asian immigrant students to take your tests.

Fixing tuition is a fine idea, fixing freshman girls is a better one.

Talent and McCaskill in a tie

Pick’em. I can’t figure out who is the lesser evil or owns the bigger pussy.

Giving till it hurts

These local bloggers discover an infuriating fact about where their donations are really going.

The Wild Women of Kansas City

Before you take your pants off, this post is about a jazz group.

Chiefs’ player suspended for steroid use

Odds are this won’t be the first story you’ll read about illicit substances and the most mediocre team in the NFL this season.

Blunt declares emergency in Missouri for Katrina help

Because it would be a crisis if our Governor missed out on a few photo ops.

Save NOLA animals

You can eat these disaster victims if they become violent.

Gondolas on Flush Creek

Your relationship is in the shitter so there is no reason you shouldn’t be too.

Dy-no-mite!

Steve Penn interviews Jimmie “JJ” Walker from Good Times. Truly, this is a rich, informative and thought provoking piece. Making a bunch of racist jokes would be taking the low ground.

However, I’d be hard pressed to tell you whether Penn or Walker’s career has done more to reinforce negative stereotypes in my mind.

KCFD begs for more than just sex

I nearly got into three accidents because of local firefighters taking donations for Jerry’s kids over the weekend.

It’s not like they don’t have naked sluts to take pictures of back at the station. Talk about priorities.

Mary Sanchez is wrong again

The KC Star columnist paints a rosy picture of KC’s role in NOLA disaster relief but the following passage should make you shudder with fear:

Homes and apartments must be readied for more permanent housing.

It’s just a matter of time before NOLA victims turn their new public housing into a disaster area.

This column is exactly the kind of “We are the world” crap you’d expect from The Star. Somebody please put a pillow over the head of Mary Sanchez, I’m sure she’s used to it.

Easy targets

Lately, KC cops have been noticing a spike in apartment and vehicle break-ins.

From Aug. 1 to 19, 52 burglaries were reported in Kansas City, North, a 21 percent increase from the same period in July, when 43 burglaries were reported. According to Kansas City police, 22 of the August break-ins occurred at apartments, while 13 of the July break-ins were at apartments.

Apartment managers have posted notices urging their tenants to be on the lookout. Which really just means to be on the lookout for Black people but the media and your nice Jewish apartment manager won’t talk like that to your face.

So hide your stuff people of KC. If prison movies have informed me correctly, you’re supposed to shove your valuables up your ass. I knew that blogging on my new laptop would be the shit, but this isn’t what I had in mind.

Surge in KC murders mystifies police

Undoubtedly, they’ll be Tasering a few old ladies in order to find some answers.

“There’s something I have to tell you”

For as long as men have left home to fight wars, women have remained behind to be total fucking skanks.

I’ve heard that a lot tramps married to soldiers even have a standard line that they deploy when dealing with inquiries into their fidelity over long distance calls.

“We’ll talk about it when you get home.”

The old phrase goes: “All’s fair in love and war.” And I guess it goes both ways. However, in Vietnam soldiers at least had an opportunity to get a piece of Southeast Asian ass while fighting in that pointless conflict. In our current meaningless massacre going into the red zone means facing the prospect of not coming back with all of your limbs intact. There is little opportunity to see what kind of goodies those Arab bitches are hiding underneath their burkas.

Stateside, slut soldier’s wives, girlfriends and sweethearts are free to patrol local bars and look for causal sex with all kinds of strangers. Meanwhile, soldiers are busy fighting for their wives freedom to take it doggystyle in the dark corners of a local dance club.

I don’t wanna rain on anybody’s patriotic parade. I’m not trying to be a Tokyo Rose. But the fact is that nobody is “waiting for you at home.” Nobody is waiting at all. Life goes on and I think that most soldiers sadly understand this fact.

Returning soldiers should count on some painful explanations or simply outright lies from their women. Right now, soldiers send home their check probably understanding the simple truth that women left unchecked will find someone else to screw . . . it’s seemingly as inevitable as war itself.

Because I love you

I’m putting up comments because I hear it keeps you morons coming back. However, there’s nothing more depressing than a great post with no comments but that’s only one of many humiliations I’ve faced with this blog and it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Actually, I’m not against comments. I’m just against doing extra work. So, this place will be dirty and messy and only posting pics of babies engaged in hand to hand combat till the death will probably be deleted.

TKC is not a community; it’s more like a cult. Write whatever you like but (sadly) the golden rule, Karma or blowback is always in effect.

Did I mention that I love you if you’re a regular reader? Still, don’t bother trying to talk sense into me; the comments are for you not me.

Things are tough all over

Here’s a thought that may put things in perspective regarding all of the complaining and political rhetoric on behalf of NOLA disaster victims:

It’s not like they’re the only people on the planet that are in desperate need of food, shelter and clean drinking water.

Join the club bitches. You’ve got more company than you could possibly fathom.

KC goes 0-4 for pre-season

Another lackluster season ahead for Chiefs fans. Hard to believe that hundreds of millions can’t buy a decent defensive backfield.

Kline warns about gas price gouging

On this issue that guy is later than a late term abortion. Where was he $1 and 38 cents ago?

Victims Helping Victims

Yep, it’s another story about the Hurricane and not a sultry tale of two women in jail finding a new kind of love in the brutal confines of a correctional facility for women.

Ye Olde Unemployed Artist

Take your kid to Renfest and patiently, but sternly, explain why a career in the arts is unadvisable.

Point to the 31 year old putting on a bad British accent and selling funnel cake and explain that we can’t all be Andy Warhol.

Blunt helps refugees other than the ones he has created

Every politico in the state is clamoring to get a few photo ops with the refugees. Blunt is now offering Missouri’s help. Sadly, there’s no Medicaid left to distribute, but I’m sure a good look at Baby Boy’s perfect hair will lift the spirits of any disaster victim.

For the last time, this is a bad idea

NOLA refugees come to KC and eat up our dwindling resources. I just want to reiterate, one last time that this is a horrible idea.

However, at least now we have one group of people that might want access to the new Sprint Center. Arena Football or not.

I’m taking the day off. Happy Labor Day to those of you with jobs!