Clueless

Kansas City’s leaders don’t know what to do about all of the violence in this town.

This year’s spike in violence has police struggling to find answers — and suspects. Nearly half the killings remain unsolved. Patterns that could help explain the rise also are elusive: Police have not found increased drug activity or a drug war, for example, said Deputy Chief Rachel Whipple.

And naive statements like that are probably why it’s clear that the KCPD deserve much of the blame for the rise in violence. Okay, maybe a little less than the people who actually committed the violence (read: Black people) but the response to this year’s spike in murders has gone virtually unchallenged by the KCPD. Where is the taskforce? Where is the community outreach? Showing up to a vigil and letting some weeping Black lady ruin one of your good uniform shirts doesn’t cut it. The Pitch claims that the KCPD isn’t receiving the cooperation of snitches. There’s a two option answer to that dilemma: Bribe them or beat them. At least the KCPD could take a more aggressive stance toward the criminal class of this town (youngish minorities like myself). It’s time that the KCPD took at least as much of a hard line approach as they do with local grandmas who get out of line.

Additionally, Mayor Kay seems to be absent from this controversy. Sure, she’s good for a few PR gestures but there’s no way that community leaders (especially poor ones) will get much time unless they happen to be in the path of a bulldozer making way for new condos. Condo Kay isn’t wasting her time with you unless you’re holding onto a building permit. Grieving mothers aren’t good for campaign donations. Clearly, sidestepping this issue of violence is probably best for Condo Kay’s future lofty political ambitions.

Cowtown Corral: Keeping it real (dumb)

- A consultant under indictment with Congressman Tom DeLay has been paid roughly $88,000 in fees by the political committee of Missouri Congressman Roy Blunt. Thank God, I finally know what the Republicans mean when they talk about supply side economics. I’m guessing it’s a reference to all of the money their throwing around against campaign finance rules. Still, I miss the days of Clinton. Blowjobs are so much more exciting than accounting errors.

- Home permits in Kansas City decline in August. Mom’s basement will always be much warmer than some poorly built new house.

- KC nursing homes are cheaper than the national average. So at least you can feel good about saving a buck when you drop your old loved ones off and never visit them at Heaven’s waiting room.

- TMC is a top teaching hospital. I didn’t know there were many people studying how to kill the poor.

- End Zone: A local man is still in a coma after a road rage run-in with a former football player.

- This shit is racial: KC men charged in racially motivated killing. Somehow this is worse than just a regular old killing. Still, I feel sorry for the guys. In jail, they’ll be the minority and the probably the “girl” too.

- Roadwork blocks pathway to restaurant. If people of Kansas City are that averse to walking for food, they should maybe get used to rolling their way through the door. Fat bastards.

- Missouri town rallies around illegal immigrant facing deportation. Who else is gonna cut the lawn?

Blogger Backtalk: KC Communiqué

- Sweatin the small stuff: "Put down the toad." From Death's Door.

- A great set of quick local concert reviews at Doug's Digs.

- "I got a letter from the government the other day. I opened and read it. It said they were suckers." A big ass fat link to the person to name the song and band who spouted that line. Click the link to read local blogger Dan's communications with local elected officials.

- Local Christian blogger Katy wonders: What kind of toothpaste do they use in Heaven? I'm not sure that I care much about dental hygene in the afterlife. I'm actually hoping that the demons will just go ahead and swallow me whole.

- The price of changing your cell phone number and service provider: Approximately $150. Ditching all of your leech friends: Priceless.

- "How pathetic is your God if he needs saving from a roomful of lawyers?"

- Who wants a mustache ride? KC Kitty reports on this weekend's hipster hangout. Sounds like it's gonna get hairy. Har.

- Scorpy gets into the spirit of the season.

Song of Solomon

Damn I love Kansas City politics. Local blogger Heidi is already hard at work, taking apart the propaganda of premature campaigner Mel Solomon.

Heidi refers to Solomon’s insignificant political victories as “world class pretension.” Additionally, she notes that the “world class pedestrian trail” that Solomon is breaking his arm to pat himself on the back for establishing is anything but.

Don't get me wrong: I love the trail he's talking about, and I'm on it almost every day. But world-class? Bah! A pox on local politicians who spout off about this and that being "world-class" without having a clue what it means.

Her post features a nice photo of a rut in the trail (world class pothole?) that’s the size of a Prius. Clearly, it seems that Solomon’s political resume might be full of holes as well.

Angela Keck is a skank

I could give a rat’s ass about Ali Kemp. Sorry. Hopefully, she’s gone on to her great reward, reconnected with her dead pets and grandparents and learned who killed Kennedy but I can’t get emotionally involved every time some poor white girl shows up dead on TV. I can only give so much people.

Anyway, what I noticed during the trial coverage was the defense attorney for Benjamin Appleby (the dirtbag who already admitted to killing Kemp) tried to pin the whole thing on Mexican lawn jockeys.

The Star reports:

Keck asked Tyler Kemp if his sister had ever mentioned anything about the men who worked on the grounds near the pool.

He said that she had mentioned that they “just kind of made her uncomfortable.” But she never said she was afraid of them, Tyler Kemp said. When Keck asked if pool workers were strict about getting visitors to sign in, Tyler Kemp said “not really.”

But I saw the videotape and that’s only part of what sperm receptacle Keck really said. She asked if Ali mentioned anything about “The Hispanic” lawn care workers.

Fucking Bitch.

Not only is she defending a dirtbag but she’s openly trying to pin this thing on Mexicans when they have not been implicated in any way. Clearly, OJ and Johnny Cochran were not the first or last people guilty of playing the race card.

When people talk about anti-immigrant sentiment it’s hard to understand what they mean. But blaming the nearest brown person for any tragedy is pretty much the gist of it. It’s nothing new. Black people have been getting blamed for crimes they didn’t commit for centuries. Now, Mexicans are cast in the role of scapegoat and boogeyman in the overly active imaginations of white people. Clearly, the role of stand-by perpetrator is dangerous for any person of color. And so far, the only benefit I can see is that it makes Mexicans that much more attractive to white women who want to get back at their fathers.

Too little too late

The Pitch reports that it’s more than likely that Fat Tone didn’t kill Mac Dre. The news from the police comes too late to do anybody (but me) much good. Sadly, it seems that Fat Tone’s murder was probably a reprisal for something that he didn’t do. Kendrick Blackwood reports that the arrest warrant for Tone’s killer also “indicates” Andre "Mac Minister" Dow but he hasn’t been arrested and police won’t say if he’s being “sought in connection with the killings.”

Translation: Black guys kill other Black guys. Police put more Black guys in jail. Gangsta rap probably won’t make a comeback but will earn enough sales to keep hobbyists in pursuit of their ghetto fabulous dreams. Such is the circle of life and the reason why I only listen to Polka.

Yet another reason why Black people kill each other: Part of a seemingly endless series.

(It’s The Golden Snitch from the Harry Potter books. And just like all the gay people who like Harry Potter, if you snitch and they find out in prison you are probably destined for some hardcore ass sex)

Nadia Pflaum writes an informative piece in the latest edition of The Pitch regarding the politics of snitching in KC’s Black community and other urban areas. I didn’t think that anybody liked a snitch but apparently some Black people are really adamant in their disapproval.

Pflaum does a great job in chronicling all of the stupidity surrounding East side murders. KC’s own shakedown artist, the honorable Rev. Wallace Hartsfield makes an appearance as he makes one of his meaningless gestures (vigil, march, sermon, whatever) between picking up big bags of cash. My buddy Alonzo Washington also tries desperately to blame whitey for the murders which might be a stretch considering how few white people cross Troost. But the real stars of the story are all of the people who keep quiet in the face of tragedy. I can’t say I blame them. Taking a stand against violence, setting an example, working to improve your community is a lot harder than just putting a few bucks together and trying to stay far away from poor, violent Black people. All of KC seems to understand this, and they didn’t need a nearly 5,000 word article in order to learn this fact.

Countdown

The countdown to the murder century mark has begun. KC’s recorded its 90th homicide this year. Let’s all hold hands, make a wish and promise that we’ll never lose touch, at least until we’re killed.

Your eyes say yes

I have a hard time explaining why I don’t use public transportation. There are local bloggers like Heidi who set a good example by walking everywhere and make it hard to justify my gas guzzling ways. But look closely into the crazy eyes of this man who is accused of raping a pregnant woman at an East side bus stop and therein lies the answer to how I can easily say: Screw the environment. Sorry, I’d rather stay in my car, lock the doors, hope the cops don’t search for my gun and turn the radio up real loud while playing something embarrassing like Air Supply as I do my part to choke us all with carbon dioxide while opening up that hole in the ozone like the legs of a Westport skank on Chief's game night.

KC MAX (and the reemergence of the metro) could be a good idea, it very well may be the future of KC mass transportation but I think it’s unfortunate that the public is forced to choose between saving the planet or riding with a merciless rapist.

And while you wouldn’t know it by just looking at him, heck you wouldn’t guess it while waiting for your stop in an isolated part of town but Randy Cooper, the accused crazy eyed jerk in question, is quick on his feet and quite the problem solver when it comes to the pleas of his alleged victims.

The woman said she told Cooper she was homeless, then he allegedly took her to a home and raped her.

In the final analysis, as long as this country has the largest stockpile of nuclear weapons, the best army and Britney Spears I don’t think there is any need to conserve fossil fuel no matter what the President says. Let the Chinese and the Indians (dots not feathers) go back to riding bikes and scooters. Conservation is really just a giant cop-out and a veiled admission that the terrorists are winning. If we are truly waging an effective war against terrorism than the free flow of oil (all I care about) shouldn’t be hindered. And I believe that we must win the war against terror in the Middle East because it’s clear that we can’t control the terrorists in this country.

Clock Signals Changing Times For Urban Core

What time is it? It’s time for half-measures that are good PR for doomed urban renewal projects.

A giant clock is being hoisted to the top of its tower to serve as a reminder to neighbors that new storefronts in the urban core are long overdue. 15 years ago, some described this stretch of land as a war zone. Now, people in the surrounding neighborhoods are seeing the first grocery store set up shop in the urban core in 20 years.

So, basically there is gonna be a new grocery store to rob on Blue Parkway. Awesome. There is no reason that thieves should be forced to waste gas and suffer a long commute.

Father Accused Of Breaking Baby's Legs

I always try to console local strippers with daddy issues. I tell them that their dad may have been a jerk who told them they were fat and didn’t pay enough attention but there are worse guys out there . . . like this scumbag. I don’t believe in Karma or reincarnation but if we do have more than one life this guy will come back as an ant in the path of an especially sadistic kid packing a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers on a boring summer’s day.

Run Amuck

Apparently, there was a pretty major screw up at the KC Marathon over the weekend.

The driver of the police vehicle leading the race didn't turn into the memorial because he thought the gates were locked. But race officials were ready to let the runners in.

Competitors who thought the race qualified them for the Boston Marathon are now wondering if they'll still be able to get in.

I have a solution. Gather all the runners this weekend and we’ll start the race in the heart of the East side, this time with no police escorts. I’m sure all of those crazy jogging white folks will turn in record times.

Man Found Shot To Death In Street

Another dead body found on KC streets. Murder and littering? For shame! Seriously, if KC thugs are gonna leave so many bodies on the pavement of this town we might as well develop some kind of appropriate receptacle. Maybe that was the motive behind the recent, expensive trash bin proposal. If there is nothing we can do about this city being so violent, at least we can keep it clean.

City Union Mission seeks record budget

The board is expected to vote Thursday on a $7.7 million budget for the fiscal year beginning Saturday. That compares with a $7.35 million budget last year.

I’m sure none of this money will be dedicated to getting local homeless people to smell a little less like piss. For the love of God, budget these fuckers some deodorant and breath mints.

Actually, this seems like such a waste of cash. KC’s largest homeless shelter could easily pay for their overhead if they would promote and sell admission to fights among the homeless of Kansas City. Yes sir, there is nothing more entertaining than a bumfight. Hell, I bet they could even turn a profit. Additionally, the homeless people would earn their own money and that is truly good for the soul.

Funds sought to hire 100 police

I know what you’re thinking. The KCPD will use this money ($205.3 million, a 12 percent increase from the current budget) to curb the growing number of murders in this city. However, I’m pretty sure that they’re just gonna put more men on the street to Taser any old lady that gets out of line.

Stay out of trouble Grandma! You’ll be shocked to find out how quickly the KCPD will kick your ass.

Update: BlogKC notes that the funds are for more cops for the Northland. I guess Mall security isn’t doing a good job.

Literati

Last night I attended a reading by Barbra Ehrenreich from her new book “Bait and Switch” at the Unity Temple on the Plaza. While this sounds like something more intelligent that my usual routine of drinking and hollering at the TV, I tried to keep it lowbrow as I joked to my girlfriend that I was gonna kick her ass unmerciful(ly) in the midst of the liberal crowd of elderly hippies.

I’ve read Ehrenreich’s breakthrough book “Nickel and Dimed” and I admired her candid reporting on the plight facing the plebian masses of wage slaves working in the service industry. I had hoped that Ehrenreich was a writer sewing the seeds of class warfare or at least deep resentment. But much to my chagrin, hearing Ehrenreich spout off one piece of NY Times propaganda after the other it became apparent that she was nothing more than yet another liberal scribe who was surprised to discover something that Cheech and Chong noted more than two decades ago: “Things are tough all over.” I stopped listening when she touted the socialistic model of Finland as an alternative to the cutthroat capitalism practiced in this country. Sorry lady, this country ain’t never gonna be like Finland; take a walk with me to the East or West side of KC and I’ll explain why . . . as we dodge bullets on our merry way.

Ehrenreich's latest work seems to be merely a slightly more literary take on the lessons that were more humorously expressed in the film “Office Space.” Still, the book seems to promise many funny anecdotes about the ridiculous state of modern corporate life. The book details everything from corporate makeover consultants to insurance selling pyramid schemes.

Ultimately, she didn’t sound too enthusiastic about the reality of life in the corporate workforce. Long story short: There is no such thing as stability or job security for white collar workers . . . if your company can underpay, downsize or outsource you, eventually they will. Similarly, in “Nickel and Dimed” it seemed as if the struggle of the American wage slave was ultimately futile. Now that I’ve seen her in person I believe that this sense of hopelessness in Ehrenreich’s work is not based solely on the sad state of affairs in the American labor market but also might have something to do with that fact that she’s a grumpy, post-menopausal woman who might be prone to melancholy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; reading my endless series of mean spirited rants you’ve probably discovered that I’m quite a bigoted, misogynist prick with a penchant (read: fetish) for white women. Still, while I don’t believe in any of that “pick yourself up from your bootstraps” Horatio Alger bullshit, I’ve talked with enough Mexicans to know that the deal here in the U.S. is as good as it gets.

Still, the evening was entertaining and informative and I can’t wait to read Ehrenreich’s new book. And while I don’t believe that the proponents of liberal (or conservative) political philosophies really give a shit about the American worker . . . it’s nice to know that Ehrenreich’s writing is at least popularizing the often ignored struggle of the American working class.

Wreck yourself

Patrick Dobson at EKC pens another fantastic column concerning recent proposed construction developments on the Westside. More than any other reporter in the City, this guy has a comprehensive understanding of the attitudes that prevail among the residents west of downtown.

Of a recent proposed development, Dobson writes of the developer (Screenland owner Butch Rigby):

Rather than being welcomed, he found himself on the grill — not personally but professionally. Though he has been a good businessperson in the neighborhood so far, he had mistakenly thought his redevelopment plan would be accepted with little comment. Neighbors questioned the lack of notification before getting the plan into its second and third stages, which includes a slot on the City Plan Commission docket Sept. 20. His plan included eminent domain, which is anathema here. The plan straddled Broadway, extending into the Westside to I-35; and if there is anything Westsiders don’t like, it’s being told their neighborhood is not Westside but confused with someplace else.

Ultimately Rigby is facing hard times getting his tax-abated pipe dream off the ground and Dobson masterfully explains why:

While mouths at city hall say they want strong neighborhoods, they really want neighborhoods that behave well and don’t get in the way. What the Westside has gone through and continues to go through is emblematic of the issues that all neighborhoods have to deal with in the face of development.

The city’s behind any developer that waves money under its nose; it just doesn’t want a black eye. Butch’s misfortune is that he doesn’t have the money to wave around that, say, the Muriel Kauffman Foundation or DST do, and those same processes that can help him increase his investment are the ones make him look like the rest of the bad guys.

For a long time, the rest of KC media was too busy grabbing ankles for local developers and construction projects and wouldn’t dream of writing something this honest. However, it seems that the many writers and reporters are now starting to pick up on the undercurrent of resistance that is mounting against the wave of speculative real estate ventures.

Cath-aholic

Mary Sanchez is the latest of many lapsed Catholics to take issue with the Church and its newfound no-homo policy.

Of the Church policy, she writes:

The Vatican plans to send investigators to the 229 seminaries in the United States. Even gay men who remain celibate will not be allowed to become priests. How they will determine who is and who isn’t gay is not being disclosed.

Here’s a hint to all homosexual seminarians: You might wanna bunt when it comes to any pop quiz regarding color coordinating the Lenten Holy Days or Holiday vestments.

Sanchez also writes fondly of a priest she knew who died of AIDS. She summarizes her thoughts with this schmaltzy passage:

The God I pray to created all human beings. I believe he made some of them gay.

Bravo! The thought of an inclusive, politically correct, loving, caring God is heartwarming. Don’t mind the recent hurricane, tidal wave action that’s been going on in the world. Recent disasters could ultimately prove that God is, in fact, pro-death. Never mind that throughout history all of us hairless apes have been slugging it out over which God is the right one. No, Jebus loves me because Mary Sanchez told me so. Who am I to argue with the word of a woman in a sharp business suit and control top pantyhose? God is love, and all of those Egyptians at the bottom of the Red Sea, the people of Sodom and Gomorrah, all of the souls roasting in Hell come Rapture will tell you so. And while you may find these examples ridiculous, to be a Catholic is to know that our faith is neither inclusive nor compassionate. We have rules, very old rules, which have yet to catch up with modern humanistic thought or current notions of equity. You can be tolerant or you can be Catholic but you can’t be both. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Not to say that I’m not a fan of the Big JC, homosexuals or even Mary Sanchez. I’m just not sure that supreme creator of the Universe, the beginning and end, the King of Kings cares what consenting adults do with their naughty bits. And as far as the Catholic Church goes . . . Sanchez unintentionally shows that she hasn’t been among the fold in awhile if she believes that the will of God has anything to do with organized religion.

As good as it gets

Sorry folks, the early part of the Chiefs season is as good as it gets. Anybody who has lived in this town for more than five minutes knows that the Chiefs fall apart during the last eight games of the season. It’s been more than a decade since the Chiefs have won a playoff game. I’m afraid that last night’s embarrassing Monday Night loss is a signal that the season is coming to an early and disappointing close. Really, the Chiefs got slapped around worse than one of their blonde girlfriends at a local bar.

Sure, you can still wear your jersey and root for the home team but, just like your marriage . . . you’re bound to be disappointed.

I could give you all kinds of reasons why but you still wouldn’t believe me. I could blame it on the small media market, crumbling stadium, strategy to move to JoCo, etc., etc. But it’s no use talking a fool out of their foolishness.

So I’ll just make a note of this:

Did anybody else observe the disaster that was Trent Green’s performance last night? I wondered if Denver was in negotiations to pick up his contract but then I noticed that the Broncos already have a decent quarterback. Put simply, only three words came to mind when watching Green play:

Panicky, weak and inaccurate.

It’s a shame that KC is the only NFL town that values a winning smile and the ability to sell trucks more than winning from their quarterback.

Getting Even

I often daydream about a crime spree in Johnson County. Currently, a series of carjackings in the Golden Ghetto is the cause of great distress among drivers (read: everyone over 16 and under 80) in that community.

It's happening at an alarming rate, there have been at least of these incidents within the last days. The latest happened in the parking lot of a software company off K-7 in western Shawnee. The men are disguising themselves with either bandanas, hooded jackets or towels. They are described as young, probably teenagers.

And that’s the problem with kids; they don’t know what’s valuable. My imaginary JoCo crime spree would consist only of jewelry, white women and baseball cards. I don’t really like baseball cards but I hear they are valuable and the fact that somebody would really mourn the loss of the cards would make me very happy inside.

In my darker moments, I dream about stealing the espresso machine at a JoCo Starbucks but I’m pretty sure that would bring civilization to its knees. What would happen if the rich, white folk of JoCo weren’t caffeinated, chipper and eager to tell the rest of us what to do?

Get a Jorb

The job market in KC sucks. Here’s proof:

The Kansas City area's employment growth from June 2004 to June 2005 ranks No. 51 among 87 metropolitan areas with more than 250,000 jobs . . . The Kansas City area has an employment index of negative 0.69, indicating a sluggish job market.

However, this study fails to indicate the “jobs” provided by strippers, escorts, street whores, chubby drunk chicks and female TV news personalities. Word is, those “jobs” (rim, hand and what not) are moving along at a steady pace for those in possession of a nice car, 401k or big hands. Sadly, if employment numbers continue to look grim, many of KC’s men will also be looking for odd “jobs” in order to sustain themselves.

Hate the game

Kansas City’s 87th homicide was yet another local rapper. Earlier, TV news reported that his death was a case of mistaken identity but it seems now that the shooting was a case of “perceived disrespect.”

The shooting ends the kid’s rap career. Unless, like Tupac, he’s able to record tracks from beyond the grave at a much more prolific pace than while he was living. Channel 9 has been trumpeting “Exclusive Video” of the kid rapping in his basement and touting his record deal. I don’t know which label he was signed to but let’s just assume that some Jewish guy is gonna be bummed for a half a week until the next chump . . . Err, I mean . . . rapper comes along.

The murder of Fat Tone along with this kid marks the bloodiest year ever for KC rappers. It’s unknown whether this will translate into greater CD sales. White kids seem to latch on to every negative stereotype concerning Black people; so this KC Black on Black violence should go over as big as that early 90’s fad where teenagers carved their names and other stupid shit into their hair. Only time will tell if all of the blood spilled upon KC streets will earn the kind of “credibility” that gangsta rappers so desperately desire. Is it wrong to hope for something good to come from the death of all these Black kids? I mean something more substantial than the advancement of Alvin Brooks’ political career or the spike in candle sales due to all the (pointless) vigils in this town.

Bang your head

(Just thought I’d post this photo for old time’s sake)

Local blogger Laura asks “When going down on your guy, what's your motive?”

I can safely answer that question for every woman on the face of the planet (including your mom): Money.

Roast

I think you all fucking suck.

That should cover everybody.

Blaming the media

OR Katie Horner is only good for fucking.

Newbie blogger “Just Cara” pens a smart post assigning blame for the Hurricane Rita evacuation debacle.

It’s still hard to imagine all those morons in their car running from a bunch of water like it was a chubby girl who needs a ride home from the bar at the end of the night. You have to run from her not only because you know that you’ll probably end up fucking her if she gets in your car but also because you’re sure she has herpes.

Cara comes up with a killer line when it comes to our own weathergirl skank:

“In my estimation, the members of the television media are good at two things: looking pretty, and crying wolf. Local case in point: weatherbabe Katie Horner.”

And now I have to call foul. Do you have any idea how hard it is on your knees to become a newsgirl? Semen doesn’t just disappear out of a pant suit, that’s a hefty dry cleaning bill . . . try asking your accountant about that deduction Missy.

No, I will defend all of the newsbabes in this town not only because they were/are fodder for my depraved masturbatory fantasies but also because I’m all for the lowly working women of this country and handling that much penis has got to be considered manual labor.

Starburst: Hot Child in the City

- Western Independence wants out of the KC School District. They are done Mething around. They have had time to mullet over and they realize that they’ve got nothing to lose but the inept management of the KCMO School District.

- Sports fans put off visits to the ER and cheer themselves to death . . . all too slowly.

- Books and Bars: Reading The Star everyday in driving me to drink. Books and Bars: Reading The Star everyday in driving me to drink. Check out their list of upcoming events and then back to the bottle.

- Madden Comes to KC. Millions of adolescent and immature men want their life back from the clutches of the video game that features his name.

- Widening of Waukomis Drive weighed. Pretend to care.

In the Air Tonight

Providing Wi-Fi for downtown KC slowly trudges forward. This week, KC’s Chief Information Officer will make her case for Wi-Fi to the City Council on Sept. 29. KC’s CIO has hired Black and Veatch to develop a telecom master plan for the new downtown arena and adjacent entertainment district.

Providing up-to-date telcom offerings is important to all those connected with the new entertainment developments in KC. Clearly, nothing offered in either venue (arena football, tractor pulls, etc.) will be as captivating as Internet porn.

Blogger Backtalk: Corrupts Absolutely

- A local blogger and Dem blog pounce on Sen. Bill Frist’s (R - Tenn.) backdoor stock trading shenanigans . . . don’t mention the guy's cold hands.

- Killer Dolphins on the loose! (Heretical Ideas)

- Parrish files another report on “The Broadway Group”

- A more organized collection of links from The Whole Wheat Blogger.

- Making good time in Missouri: DTS speeds through the Show-Me State faster than you can say “flyover.”

Over the weekend

- All aboard, the Nightrain: It’s estimated that 145-thousand people rode the rails between the KC and STL in the first ten months of this fiscal year. The rise in train travel could be explained by high gas prices or the fact that if you’ve seen one strip club or walnut bowl store off I-70, you’ve seen them all.

- The hits keep coming: 87th homicide for KC over the weekend.

- Stolen moments: Car jackings on the rise in the metro.

- The Bob Dole Book: Penis pills not included.

- The panic over the flu shot will begin on Oct. 3 with a city sponsored clinic delivering the shot that will neither protect you from all the stray bullets roaming around this town nor the dangerous drive to work.

- Go “behind the scenes” with the Chiefs cheerleaders. For those two or three of you who haven’t already been behind at least one of the Chiefs cheerleaders.

- Man Stabbed At Lake Drives Home, Calls for Help - Because only a pussy or a fucking woman would ask a stranger on the street for directions to the hospital.

Coming to America

Mexicans are everywhere, even in Iowa. An article from ABC news reports a rise in Latinos in the Heartland. TKC is proof of this trend beginning about 31 years ago. Actually, I’m third generation on my mom’s side and my Dad’s side is comprised of the Mexicans that came along with Texas into the Union. They didn’t come to the United States, the U.S. came to them.

Still, I believe that my forefathers wanted to settle someplace that would expose them to the most extreme elements of every season, a place that would be rife with racial tension and bigotry as well as a stagnant economy that would be entrusted only to the government and the good ole boys network. So we ended up in Kansas City because Chicago would have been way too fucking cold.

Admiration

Today The Star runs a story about a Marine who lost a leg in Iraq. Apparently, the guy seems to to have a good attitude about the whole thing.

“There’s a sense that what we’re doing is important,” Horton said. “There was never a reason to say, ‘Uh, what are we doing here?’ I know a lot guys that after they took some bad guys in, they had to feel good. Like, ‘Man, I did something today.’ ”

And that’s great because I’m put out if I have to wait too long in a drive-thru lane. When life hands me obstacles all I do is complain, whine, give up or throw a tantrum. Cruel fate, I still have both my legs and I’ve never even considered signing up for some army and risk losing them.

Stories of persistence in the face of tragedy always bum me out. I’m horrible at “hanging in there” and I always think that people are suckers when they try to keep their chin up in the face of strife.

However, this kid deserves a lot of respect for giving one of his limbs for whatever in the fuck the Bush administration is trying to accomplish in the desert. The kid may understand it but I don’t. Still, he deserves admiration because most people wouldn’t make that kind of sacrifice. Sadly, as the war drags on, there will only be more stories of soldiers facing similar misfortune.

It’s the weekend, baby!

Lots of fun stuff to do this weekend other than getting drunk, having unprotected sex and randomly shooting somebody. Or at least there are new, fun places at which to do those things.

The Un-Greatest Generation

Time, she is a cruel bitch. My grandparents were part of a generation that endured the Great Depression, fought off Hitler, and contributed to the greatest surge of prosperity ever seen by this nation. But, when they got older my family didn’t trust them to set an alarm clock.

I don’t know how to feel about the story of a Prairie Village Grandpa locking his grandkid in the car while he went shopping. Part of me thinks, “Good, welcome to the real world kid. You’re never more important than a new gadget.” And then I think that anybody who would trust an old person to drive a car and take care of a kid may have been secretly trying to kill both Grandpa Stupid and Baby Boy.

However, what really irks me is that somebody reported the old fart. This old white guy has had his whole life to enjoy segregated restaurants, openly celebrate the death of millions of Asians and harass women in the workplace with abandon but near the end he’s thwarted by some PC woman (only a woman would report this kind of thing) who can’t stand to see a little kid sweat. Maybe the incident will be a learning experience. If the old, white grandpa receives jail time he could get a first hand look at all of the people he has oppressed throughout the course of his life.

Doomsday in Kansas City

Channel 9 (stupidly) asks the question: “What would happen if Kansas City were forced to evacuate -- is there an emergency plan in place?"

The answer is no.

If there was a catastrophic emergency about to befall KC, you would observe some of the most gut wrenching scenes of horror ever witnessed by humanity. First of all, there would be a mad dash to rob and rape everything blonde, with a moist hole in Johnson County. I know that I’d be tempted to go after all of the bagel shops and car dealerships in the golden ghetto in no particular order.

And forget about getting out of this town by car. The highways are nearly impassable at 4:30 on a weekday afternoon anyway. In an emergency you might as well grab a raft and float down the river with your buddy N-word Jim. And don’t forget about the eastsiders, every weekend summer night was nearly a catastrophe; in a real emergency you might as well just bomb everything east of Troost preemptively because it won’t survive the absence of the already tenuous semblance of law and order that currently prevails.

Additionally, somehow an earthquake, bomb or any massive amount of destruction will only serve to bring more Mexicans to Kansas City. Very much like cockroaches, these people (my relatives) only multiply, even under the most severe circumstances.

However, you need not worry about the Asians or Arabs in KC. My rice eating brothers can survive indefinitely on stray dogs while my Arab brethren were probably responsible for the tragedy in the first place.

Did I miss anybody? Ah, white people. They always seem to come out on top for some reason. Fuckers.

Miss Teen Latina

Miss Teen Latina Missouri heads to Cancun to compete for the national title and maybe star in an unflattering amateur video.

Riding the Storm Out

Former KC blogger Reecie is riding out Hurricane Rita in Texas. She’s posting photos hourly or until she’s killed. Good look Reecie!!! Be sure to tag “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people” to your body along with your social security number in case of the worst.

Reading KC

Local blogger Heidi has a great collection of links regarding local authors and an upcoming book event. Reading is fun and it can keep you entertained and informed far more than the 2.75 minutes you spend looking at a porno mag.

Dolly Parton is coming to KC!

The inspiration for so many of my fantasies about desperate, kind hearted, naive white women will be in close proximity. Oh, happy day! Hat tip: Keeping up with us

Larry Johnson = Homo?

First of all I’d like to start this post by noting that the homosexuals are the one of the few interesting things about KC. I’m not gonna turn this blog into “Andrew Dice Clay Jr. spouts off.” I’m sure it’s still offensive but I know that many queens will understand when I write that I’m cool with homosexuals but gay fags get on my nerves. Of course, it has been run into the ground but Seinfeld got it right when he said, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” (And besides, everything on this blog is pretty much a joke anyway)

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way . . .

Is it me or did a recent article about Larry Johnson in The Pitch seems like a gay love letter and unintentionally "out" the Chief’s running back? Obviously, The Pitch is the number one source in this town for info about gay nightlife, escort services and futons. They ought to know, right?

Let me give you my reasons for asking the question.

First of all, there are all those homoerotic pictures of him giving a creepy come hither look to the camera. He’s all beefy and shirtless with this strange look on his face. Hopefully, I’ll never have to endure prison rape but I imagine that it looks something like that series of photos.

Secondly, the article does a great job in documenting his problems with women. The author (Kendrick Blackwood) seems to get Johnson to open up (ewww!) and gets what should be the quote of the year from any Chiefs player:

"My reputation is I'm crazy. I beat women. I carry a lot of guns," Johnson says. He doesn't argue some of those points. "Everybody's crazy to a point," he says. "I am crazy to a point."

Wow! Doesn’t that line encourage you to take your family to the game? What an inspiring image to convey to the millions of Chiefs fans. That quote really makes me want to hand over my tax dollars to a team full of gun carrying, “bi-polar” thugs who callously beat their ex-girlfriends as a warm-up for game day. But I digress . . .

And what’s with the guns? Throughout history projectile weapons have been noted as nothing more than phallic symbols. And throwing around women . . . Clearly, it seems like he’s compensating for something.

Also, the guy seems to be very fond of hanging out in bars. The article describes his journey from club to club and it seems as if this is the textbook definition of what some pillow biters might call “cruising.” It’s why I’ve never been very fond of bars. If you look around at all the painted women and fancy looking dudes slathered in hair products and cheap perfumes, you can tell that ass sex is a viable option for so many people carelessly drinking their lives away.

But here’s the money quote:

Johnson is joined at the bar by Sean Deaver, a school friend of Chiefs return man Dante Hall. The men don't seem surprised to see each other.

Deaver jokes that he calls Johnson "King Pink" because of his attraction to white women.

King Pink? King Pink?!!!?!?!?!!!

Sure. That’s a reference to white women? Right!!!! I’m sure you’re all familiar with the frightening story of “Down Low” Black men but that quote almost reads like a hint. Remember Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Pink eschews his moniker. “Why am I Mr. Pink?” To which the crime boss Joe replies: “Cause you're a faggot, all right?”

Anyway, I think I’ve made a good case here but I’m not gonna make any proclamations because the Chiefs are prone to violence, they are millionaires with great lawyers and I’m sure they all could beat me with as much ease as they strike their girlfriends. I’m only raising the question. Answer it for yourself while you’re at Arrowhead . . . paying $30 for parking and $9 for a beer.

The East Side is probably not "Movin’ on up"

I love pipe dreams. Today, The Star reports that plans are underway to revive the East Side of downtown and turn this almost completely abandoned section of the city’s center into a vibrant community.

An ambitious proposal to transform a dreary 12-block section of downtown’s east side into a cozy neighborhood anchored by corporate offices is expected to begin in earnest today.

Backers of the $340 million East Village redevelopment plan are scheduled to make their opening pitch to the Planned Industrial Expansion Authority, a city agency that controls property tax incentives and other development tools vital to the project’s realization.

I’m sure all the crackheads roaming around there will love this plan. This project could mean more people to rob, more crack and maybe a few nice dumpsters in which to sleep.

Like I mentioned earlier, I can’t help but enjoy a good pipe dream. I love to talk about winning the lottery or the great start by the Chiefs. Additionally, I love to listen to haphazard business, wedding and career plans. There’s nothing like a good foolhardy plan in order to make me feel smart and grounded in reality.

The Eastside of downtown KC is where most of us go to pay parking tickets or hustle our way out of a drunk driving bust. It’s nothing but a giant parking lot. East of City Hall the only current attraction is a few staggering crackheads who (I guess) might be able to entertain a new community with their monologues to no one in particular and their unusual odors. Still, I love a good scheme.

And who am I to spoil the fun? Nobody listens to me anyway. I won’t be the one to tell the Westport skank that a night of unprotected sex with a good looking stranger isn’t the best idea. Nobody asked me if going to war on the unsubstantiated claims of WMD was the right strategy. I don’t know who thought anyone would vote for John Kerry or his Eurotrash wife with the whorish mouth. I didn’t invent the (foreign) oil based economy and transportation system. I didn’t think that establishing a bunch of casinos in KC that would minimally fund education but lead to a significant spike in bankruptcies was a sound financial plan. In fact, I’m not in charge of much besides this blog. But, I’ll be glad to listen intently to every bad idea that comes my way.