KC Company Accused Of Selling Fake Lipitor Drug

Whether they are on a street corner, a corporate office or a pharmacy I guess you just can’t trust drug dealers. I bet just like Robert Courtney these guys were all “pillars” of their communities.

Sadly, after all the legal wrangling is settled these guys will probably only do a little bit of time (if any) in a country club jail. Whereas, if they were street drug dealers they’d have been beaten several times over by now for inferior shit.

Triple shooting On East Side

I know we’re all sending good thoughts to the people in New Orleans but let’s not forget that we have our own disaster occurring right here on the East side of KC.

Blunt passes buck on military base closings

"Republican Governor Blunt accused former Democratic Governor Bob Holden of failing to take pre-emptive steps. Democrats faulted Blunt for closing the state's lobbying office in Washington."

Claire McCaskill is also trying to blame incumbent Jim Talent for the losses.

I blame all of them for worrying about stripper's boobies too much. Leave those worries to me.

Former Cop gets sweetheart deal

Wow! Six months probation for pulverizing two teenage girls. Truly, justice is blind, especially when it gets behind the wheel.

Wear your seatbelts! Baby Blunt is at the wheel.

Governor Matt Blunt works for seatbelts on Missouri school busses. It’s not a bad idea. We all should be wearing seatbelts, especially since Blunt is running such a car wreck of an administration.

Gasoline more than $3 bucks a gallon in KC

It’s finally happened!!! However, it’s not the end of the world. Merely an excuse to make your girlfriend give you a piggy back ride.

Remaindered links format change (kottke.org)

See, I’m not the only person that dicks around with the format of my page damnit!!! Thankfully, I’ve heard from a few people who think this latest fix may work.

Here’s how it goes: The bold headline is the link. Unless it’s not a link and in that case it’ll probably be followed by a picture and a lot of text.

A good rule is: Whatever lights up when you hover over it is a link. Look to the bottom of your browser to see where it goes. I know, people who’ve been on the Internet for awhile think that these instructions are suitable only for those riding the short bus but believe it or not there are people out there that don’t get this stuff right away. There is no such thing as a stupid question only a stupid blogger.

Now, what this new format allows me to do is not only go off on a tangent when I feel like it but also fire off a quick link when I just want to mention something.

If you have any problems, questions or you just need somebody to talk to and send a naked picture to drop me a line – tony@tonyskansascity.com

Kansas City Cosmopolitan

Check out this new local blog.

Olathe Students get Internet Courses

It's never to early to learn how to secretly lurk the Net for deviant sex.

KC earmarks $1.3M for Sprint Center art

Here's a short list of the exhibits I'd like to see displayed in the new arena.

- A naked statue of Kay Barnes

- A statue of KC taxpayers grabbing their ankles

- A bronze sculpture of a tumbleweed

- A copy of The Constitution in a jar of urine labeled "Eminent Domain" ala Maplethorpe

- A sculpture of a Monster Truck driver burning money entitled "What the fuck were we thinking?!"

Income falls in Kansas, Missouri

Thankfully, Meth is still pretty cheap.

Munchausen syndrome alleged in KC child endangerment case

Munchausen syndrome is alleged in a local child endangerment case. Munchausen syndrome by proxy is a psychiatric disorder in which a parent is driven to harm a child for attention and sympathy.

You could read this story or check out Dooce for a daily blog update on this condition.

KC Leads Missouri In Car Thefts

The story revolves around the UMKC campus where at least it's good to know that somebody there is learning a valuable skill.

Blogger Backtalk: Wine, Women and Song. Not in that order

• Upcoming shows in KC from local blogger Doug.
  
• Local blogger KJ shows you how to help out the Red Cross.
  
• Happy in Bag says goodbye to the circus.
  
• Truespoon #2 from local blogger/artist Parrish debuts in KC.
  
• Outsource your bowels and eat Indian food. KC Kitty provides a few local reviews.
  

Play time is over

A new playground facility at Woodland Elementary raises false hope of urban renewal.

The school, which had no play equipment before, is the site of what is hoped eventually will be a $3.2 million outdoor athletic and play complex to benefit a neighborhood east of downtown.

“This is part of the 12th Street resurgence, a multimillion-dollar project transforming your neighborhood and making it a safe and prosperous place,” said J. Carnell Wallace, director of the nonprofit 12th Street Heritage Development Corp.

Keep telling yourself that smart guy. I just hope the playground equipment is bulletproof so the kids have something to hide behind. Additionally, I’m a big believer that form should follow function in any architectural design so I hope that the playground offers the following items to increase its value to the people who will be predominantly using the grounds:

• Well lit and stable swings for heroin junkies to shoot up in and pass out on.


• Flexible slides so hookers can “whoop that trick”


• Stain-proof see-saws for piss smelling bums


• Crack pipe holders for kids ages 8 to 80


• Finally, the park should also feature recycling bins for all the bullet casings that will undoubtedly be strewn across the park.

Foaming at the mouth

The thought of black creatures sneaking in the night and feasting on the young white flesh of a suburban white kid sent a bunch of people panicking. Subsequently, a young suburban kid gets a needless series of rabies shots. Ultimately there was no reason to worry but police are still treating everything black and passing through the suburbs with the utmost suspicion.

Foreign Affairs

Today the Star reports on a KU music student that can’t find a job. Whereas most college students coming out of KU are only virtuosos when it comes to the bong or Xbox this guy plays the organ. Not the skin flute, the organ. He’s a music student not a theater major.

Anyway, if the dude doesn’t find a job he’ll be kicked out of the country.

Last December he completed his doctoral degree in organ playing and composition at KU. No longer a student, he must either find a job or convince immigration authorities that he is an artistic asset to the United States to remain here. Otherwise he will be sent back to Bulgaria at the end of the year.

Great, one white man needs a job and I we read about it in the paper. Mexicans all over this city have two or more jobs and duck La Migra all day long in order to make your bratty kids cheeseburgers and you desperately try not to make eye contact with them.

I hope this guy gets his wish and stays in the country. Maybe a few white faces in the mix of all the brown people getting kicked out of the country might give the Bill O’Reilly types some pause. Strange that Irishmen like O’Reilly and Pat Buchanan are leading the charge to boot Mexicans out of the country. As if it’s our fault they have a horrible headache and a hangover.

Revival

Claire McCaskill is out to win the hearts of rural voters. Besides corny speeches and bad grammar I don’t know how this is accomplished. Already people are making abortion a big issue. Claire was spanked in her race for Governor because of her pro-choice stance. Frankly, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. It’s not like she’s performing the abortions herself. But who knows? Maybe that’s exactly what she’s doing. I suggest she stop. Walking into some poor girl’s bedroom in the middle of the night and performing an abortion is no way to win votes from the people from rural Missouri.

Oh, that’s right. A lot of women actually want abortions. They make appointments and drive down to the clinic without anybody pointing a gun to their head. Okay, so it’s impossible to control the many whorish women from relentlessly falling on all the dick that’s lying around and then getting knocked up because they don’t have the patience to bag it, so we must hold the politicians accountable for the skank like behavior of our daughters, wives, girlfriends and moms. Now I understand.

I don’t envy Claire. “You’ve got a pretty mouth,” is the standard come-on line in rural Missouri so I don’t expect any of them to have a nuanced approach to social issues. Additionally, Claire’s faux-folksy banter is about as natural as Pamela Anderson’s chest.

McCaskill hopes to promote “good old-fashioned Missouri common sense” in her campaign. She should start by avoiding a religious debate among the yokels and ask them if the present administration is doing them any good. Now, most of the people of rural Missouri will always be barefoot, ignorant, racist, toothless and mean and her reign probably wouldn’t help either but she could confuse them just enough to garner a few votes.

Or maybe she might just try showing a little more ass to gain support. Everybody can get behind (I mean support you perv) the ass of an ambitious white woman.

McCaskill Will Run for U.S. Senate

Strange, she'd save time if she'd just fly on her broomstick.

"If you need help, here I am"

Recently, Mayor Kay Barnes has been all over Channel 9 News earning good press as KC sends resources to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

And I know that I'm supposed to at least try and be witty and cleaver but the only thing that crosses my mind when I see that tramp smiling for the camera is: "You fucking old whore! Why not send a few people east of Troost and help out that situation?" Sadly, there's not a good photo op for a politician addressing the worsening violence in KC. There is no easy solution to the problem and the only thing to do is watch the murder rate climb like KC is some ball player chasing a coveted stat. Still, it'd be nice if Mayor Kay would at least talk about the violence raging in this city instead of just posing for feel-good human interest stories.

Road To Nowhere

The Paseo Bridge should open two months early. Many Italians up North will be happy that the commute to dump off bodies in the river will soon be shorter.

Hush Hush

Some people don't like it with the lights on:

Jackson County officials are scrapping two committees in an effort to keep stadium negotiations private.

Two weeks ago, legislators announced that they had agreed to create the committees to work on upgrades to the county-owned Truman Sports Complex.

You know, I like privacy as well when I'm screwing. I'm sure that Jackson County officials don't want the whole city watching them grab their ankles.

Go Chiefs! Go Royals!

Go and try some other sports market that will adore perennial losers and smile when you try to extort public funds for your profit.

Dog Days

The Ghost of Scruffy's Law has been resurrected and is arousing more frighteningly stupid initiatives from the state of Kansas.

The abuse of a puppy in Wichita has renewed interest in legislation that would make intentional animal cruelty a felony in Kansas. A similar push was made after the 1997 torture of a dog named Scruffy. A tape of that abuse was sent to Kansas City, Kan., police.

The poor pooch who has inspired vengeance against the criminally stupid is named Magnum and here the dog's story:

The puppy, known as Magnum, was found this month in a Wichita recycling bin suffering chemical burns on much of his body, bound with wire and with one paw stuck in its mouth. The puppy died shortly after being taken to a specialty clinic in Overland Park for around-the-clock care.

Call it cruel but to me it reads like an exotic barbecue recipe.

I love (the way) animals (taste). But the reasoning behind tougher penalties for animal cruelty is stupid.

"Revelations that BTK serial killer Dennis Rader, as a child, strangled dogs and cats added fuel to the new push."

"We know that some of the people involved in these activities are also involved in activities that harm people later in life, said Sen. Carolyn McGinn of Sedgwick.

That sounds fair. A person is mentally disturbed so it's wise charge them with a felony and lock them up with hardcore criminals because their victims are cute and cuddly? Forget therapy, if you can pet the victim of the crime then there should be no mercy for the offender. Talk about inhumane. Someone hurts a pet and you'd much rather turn them into a convict rather than offer counseling?

Animals are edible; the only talk about saving them that I want to hear should regard freezer burn. I know it's hard to teach humans new tricks but sticking up for dogs over (even flawed) people isn't kind, it's insulting.

Now I know that animal lovers might find my position hurtful but if you really want to talk about it I'd be glad to convince you over a freshly tenderized and thoroughly cooked Korean meal. The odds are good that it's not a kitten . . . I think they use puppy.

Heal Thyself

Recent cuts to Truman Medical Center have left patient care in a sickly state:

The changes include the elimination of the hospital's prescription assistance program and the requirement that nonemergency patients who live outside Kansas City or Jackson County make a down payment on their anticipated bill and commit to paying the balance. And Truman eliminated dental services at its Lakewood facility for adult patients who lack dental coverage, unless they work out a payment plan in advance.

Capitalism sure is fun unless you're poor or sick. I hope all of Missouri's leaders who pushed for the cuts are enjoying good health. Did they envision all of the poor, sick people they would be turning away when cuts to medical services took effect? Nobody said that "Compassionate Conservatism" was actually referring to Hospice care.

Smooth operator

Only the KC School District would qualify the absence of arson and rioting as a smooth start.

The first day of school for about 28,000 children in the district came off relatively smoothly. Some buildings showed remnant water damage from last week's rains. Fans hummed at full tilt at some of the buildings without air conditioning.

And a distressed fourth-grader who walked out of Attucks Elementary School was quickly recovered and reunited with his mother, Harshaw said.

But a relatively smooth day didn't mean it wasn't hectic. Across the district, principals and others presented themselves to curious children and parents.

Sure, the district has little money to educate the kids, there is a dearth of qualified teachers, Latinos drop out at a rate of more than 50%, so many of the young Black men will wind up in jail and not college, the busing system is outdated and some say unsafe and paying the salary of the top heavy administration is costing the taxpayers and arm and a leg. BUT, nobody was killed today so all's well.

Realistically, all of the news cameramen in town know that the start of school for KCMO means nothing more than an opportunity to capture some great video of the kids beating the crap out of each other sometime in the near future.

Bird Man

Steve Penn of The Star re-caps a Charlie Parker birthday celebration. My only question: Is there any heroin in Heaven. If not, I'm pretty sure that Hell has a steady supply.

Show Me Stupidity

Channel 9 reports that the state plans to appeal a judge's ruling tossing out a law placing many new restrictions on strip clubs.

Monday, the attorney general's office said it planned to appeal the decision.

Sponsoring Sen. Matt Bartle, R-Lee's Summit, said he was disappointed in the ruling but not too concerned yet.

Sure, there's no need to be concerned. Think of how much time, effort and money is being wasted on regulating these tramps when we could be thinking and asking questions about Medicaid cuts, rising gas prices, soldiers from Missouri being wounded or killed in Iraq, crime on KC streets or the ongoing ponzi scheme otherwise known as KC downtown redevelopment. Thank God that Matt Bartle and the rest of the dumbassses that pushed this nonsense through are carefully paying attention to how much stripper ass the people of Missouri can see. The rest of us have to worry about real problems.

Young Guns

An 11 year-old from KCK is charged with armed robbery and carjacking.

Police said the boy threatened to pull a gun on three children sitting in a car near Fifth Street and Quindaro Boulevard. The children's mother was inside a convenience store.

After forcing the children to get out of the car, the 11-year-old got in and drove off.

The boy was arrested when he drove the car to school the next day.

Stories about a young prodigy always make me feel horrible. This kid is so advanced. Hell, when I was 11 I was just beating up other kids and stealing lunch money. A few months in juvy surrounded by formidable criminal minds and there's no telling what this kid can achieve in terms of crime. The seemingly limitless potential of some children is downright scary.

By the way, I'm sure the kid in this story is probably a minority and not a white kid like the ones pictured above but the mainstream press gets to create their stereotypes so I don't feel guilty about spinning some of my own. Besides, white people are violent too. All of those Native Americans didn't kill themselves.

I've got the power

Fire at the Hawthorn Power Plant. No one was hurt and there were no power outages. Somehow there must be a way to blame this on undocumented workers.

Making a killing

The 79th homicide victim of the year in Kansas City was identified as a 16-year-old boy.

Mayor K and most of the City Council have been pretty silent on this issue throughout the entire summer. Seems as if they're too busy trying to help businessmen make a killing in the real estate market to pay attention to all of the bloodshed going on in the streets.

They're all tramps to me OR Reason # 4,582 why I hate women

Damn, I went back to check out the super diss by SPC and I found 50 comments and the usual bitchy things that women and fags (not homosexuals just fags) talk about each other. I felt paranoid that I have a couple of pics of myself floating around out there on the Internet, thankfully nothing too embarrassing. I think I took care of the one where I'm holding a lollipop and wearing a bonnet. Anyway, just like I noted earlier, bitches are mean about appearances.

Lots of name calling and style observations. Funny, style tips coming from KC . . . isn't it ironic . . . don'tcha think? This is a cowtown and anybody trying to pretend that the Plaza is midtown Manhattan should have their head readjusted with a blowtorch and the jaws of life. Take this catty comment from SPC:

A lot of women TRY to emulate Sex and the City...POORLY. First of all, the women of Sex and the City were clearly classy FIRST and sex-crazed second.

Get it straight bitches, the women of Sex in the City were make believe whores. The characters were just able to negotiate a better price. Any real whore with that kind of lifestyle is asking for a lifetime of loneliness and genital warts at best.

Ugh, when I see broads trade barbs like this it just makes me think that all women are whores. My mom and my Grandmas get a pass along with (maybe) my sister when she was younger but damn if most women aren't tramps when it comes down to it. The comment war comes off like one hooker telling another that they're wearing too much eyeshadow. Alternately, this little tiff could be construed as a contrived diss just like the ones used in the glory days of hip-hop. MC Hammer came after Run-DMC and LL Cool J insulted Kool Mo Dee in order to attract attention and create buzz. Sadly, the more popular rappers try to refrain from doing that sort of thing once people started turning up dead . . . Tupac, Biggie . . . Thankfully, I don't think any bloggers will come to bullets because of this dust up whether it's contrived or not. Because this thing seems "real" I've encouraged Laura to keep her blog and SPC is doing the same.

Personally, I don't wanna take sides in this thing. I've had my own sarcastic comments about Laura while still enjoying her blog and I've never seen SPC but I'd be curious to see her package and make sure she's not pre-op. Still, I just wanted to note that this little flamewar is mighty funny and part of the reason that women should only open their mouths or use their hands when cock is involved. Somewhere Andrea Dworkin is wishing she were alive so she could slap these ditzy bitches.

New Laws

New laws have been put into effect in Missouri. Not that you'll pay attention to them in your drunken stupor or Meth fueled rage.

Catfight

The Superficial Plaza Chick takes aim at Laura from "Life of a Single Woman."

First of all, let me volunteer my services to set up a webcam in the event of a full on booby punching brawl. I'll also bring the Crisco and a sponge.

Strange how women hate each other so much. I don't think about guys. More successful guys, better looking guys, tougher guys don't register on my radar. I spend more time thinking about the consistency of my poop than other dudes.

But women are different.

I've heard some of the horrible shit they say about each other when they spot somebody better looking or with a less flabby ass. When the Human Genome Project ramps up, they will probably discover a "jealousy gene" in women. I'm betting that it will somehow relate to levels of bitching and dramatic mood swings as well.

Update: Go say something nice to Laura and don't let her quit. Her blog is too funny, good and interesting to be lost in a flamewar.

MU players will honor O'Neal with a moment of silence. They might want to consider dicking around for 90 minutes before game time.

Meeting of the minds OR Please come back in the afternoon. 5ish

Friday afternoon I had the pleasure of meeting a couple of local bloggers for just a moment as our favorite blog supporter Tony O. left to chase scoop in South Florida. As Joe explains, blogging is the wave of the future. And after talking to Death's Door and Dangerboy, I couldn't agree more.

However, right now my head hurts and I'm sleepy so I'll probably take to blogging a little bit later in the day. Other than the shooting at Chubby's over the weekend, there hasn't been much in the news that has caught my interest.

Two bits of housekeeping to attend to:

- Check out this great opinion article on how much The Royals suck written by a KU law student and recently featured in Flak magazine.

- A local blogger has secured the best title for a page I've seen in a long time. This one is sure to become a regular read: "The Dating Life of a Kansas City Fat Chick"

Take care. See you very soon. Tony need sleep! All work and no play . . .

Show me your ass!!! And boobs!

As BlogKC reported earlier, for the moment, boobies on stage are still legal in the Show-Me state. So take advantage of this momentous legal decision and give your hard earned cash to local single moms.

Sheehan Slap Fight

The KC Strip reports on the recent controversy involving a KC Star reporter and claims of bias by a New York rag.

(Derek) Donovan (Star Ombudsman) was worked up because, he wrote, a transcript clearly showed that Daily News columnist Michael Goodwin had wronged the Star's Lee Hill Kavanaugh when he accused her of giving an "anti-war speech" during an August 16 telephone conference call with famous protesting mom Cindy Sheehan.

And that's the state of mainstream journalism. You get shit if you feel sorry for a mother who has lost her son. Luckily, the Strip has the freedom to call the Iraq campaign our "dumbass war effort."

As for myself, I have crackheads on my block that concern me far more than the Iraqis and their affairs. The only terrorist I know is the jerk that broke into my sister's car a couple of weeks ago. As for fear, I'm afraid that real estate developers are gonna build a condo on top of me if I sleep too late. If you take a minute and turn off the TV, the "War on Terror" really doesn't have much of an effect on KC. That is, unless you notice any of the area soldiers coming home wounded or dead.

Rock Chalk Perp Walk

Bruce Ringwood, of KU's football team, allegedly beat the shit out of a Shawnee couple at a concert on Sunday. This summer has been turbulent for the Jayhawks.

The incident caps a turbulent spring and summer for the Kansas athletic department. The school placed itself on probation in July, and three other athletes have been caught up in criminal investigations.

Too bad all my teachers and coaches lied to me about my unruly behavior in high school. Everybody said that my antics weren't helping me when it came to advancing in sports and life. Apparently, drunken brawls seem to be an integral part of a training for local athletes.

Additionally, did anybody see the size of that kid's neck? I don't know what kind of crazy suburban couple would go looking for a fight with a guy that huge. Maybe they thought it was a mutant tree gone berserk. In that case, the best thing to do is grab hold of a chainsaw and ask questions later.

Screaming in the rain

It has rained nearly every day this week and hasn't cooled off a bit. In fact, it's all muggy, humid and gross. It's as if the whole city is trapped in Kay Barnes panties.

Cowtown Corral:The Rains Came

• Forgive this former Father (or not). He has allegedly sinned.


• Sewage and rats plague Brookside. Something tells me that ignoring the last bastion of white people in midtown KC could cause the shit to hit the fan for local leaders.


• Grandma got run over by a . . . aw, no joke here. Sweet old lady beats cancer but falls victim to a hit and run.


• Former Shook Partner decides to rob people blind without help from an accomplice. Note: I'm broke so don't bother suing because I'm also crazy, angry and armed.


• KCI passengers decrease in July. Still, Midwest expands service. Last person out of this town, don't forget to turn off the lights.


• Stolen guns and car parts found during a local drug bust. Defenseless and stranded Kansas Citians should take target practice.

Sorry Barbarella

No justice for Jane Fonda. Or a local judge shows a lot more forgiveness than an area Veteran.

Sorry folks. I'd like to be ultra-patriotic but Vietnam is over. People like the spitting Vet remind me of those Japanese sub commanders that unknowingly roamed the Pacific for years after WWII still thinking they were at war. It's time to move on. We could sit around and bitch about Korea as well but then we wouldn't get to enjoy barbecue dog or kitten egg drop soup.

There is no shortage of armed combat raging on the Eastside of Kansas City right now, local traffic is deadly and it's hard to understand that a few people are still mad about a conflict that produced some of the best American Cinema since the silent era. Yes, to me Vietnam is only bad acting, cheap pyrotechnics and being disappointed every time an Asian girl won't say "Me love you long time" to me when I'm drunk.

Regardless of all the death, protesting, social unrest and good music that came out of the Vietnam-era . . . it's over. On the bright side, in case you forgot, there's a current war raging that's full of great targets for spitting. Enjoy.

Private Eyes Are Watching You

Recently, a Gladstone man admitted that he was cyber-stalking his ex-wife. Unfortunately, nobody told the guy that after a divorce you can safely assume that your ex-wife will become a whore. No exceptions.

For men, divorce means lots of take out food along with the nasty buffet line at a casino or strip club but women can look forward to a lot of sex with strangers. Strangely, the sexual escapades of recently divorced women are often dictated by the prejudices of their ex-husbands. For instance, if the ex-husband hated black people . . . expect a flurry of fucking that looks like the '88 Lakers on a fast break, only naked. If the ex-husband hated Mexican people the ex-wife's cooter will be host to more Mexicans than the Rio Grande. And so on.

There's no need to learn the details. Most of it is just stuff that you don't want to know and will probably make you feel jealous or inadequate. Rest assured that someone you despise is fucking your ex . . . well.

Cyborg Tony

This is probably the most brilliant business idea I've ever seen on the net. Additionally, the site is pretty funny and frighteningly accurate as well.

Link via Badda Blog!

Blogger Backtalk: Nobody loves you like your Mom

• Local blogger Bob on Cindy Sheehan, not porn but thoughtful political commentary.


• Another capital edition of "Sweating the Small Stuff" from Death's Door.


• In the PC version of The Bible, all those people in Sodom and Gomorrah actually just went for a vacation on Fire Island. The Whole Wheat Blogger takes the pulpit in this post.


• President Bush is quickly becoming "Mr. Mom" as the death toll in Iraq leaves a host of mourning loved ones in the States to argue about their differing political views.

Circus

The circus is in town and today The Star features an article about the kids who travel with the show and the details of their schooling.

Every circus kid must go to school. It’s the law. They learn math, English, social studies, even when you travel with your folks in the circus.

Sadly, the KC School district can't provide this level of education. Strange, because they're also a bunch of clowns.

"Fishjacked"

Fox4 News invents the stupidest term ever used in a news story. Yes, you guessed it, the "news" concerns a stolen fish.

Complaints

South Kansas City residents air their grievances that pretty much begin and end with the fact that they live in South KC.

Armed Forces retreat from KC

Troops pull out of KC due to Pentagon cutbacks.

The Base Realignment and Closure Commission will continue to vote on each individual Pentagon recommendation, with its work expected to be done Friday. The Pentagon wants to close about 180 installations nationwide, estimating doing so would save more than $48 billion over 20 years.

The commission voted to close the Marine Corps Support Center in Kansas City, at a cost of 333 jobs; a Navy recruiting headquarters in Kansas City, where 38 would leave; and the Army Ammunition Plant in Parsons, Kan., representing 167 positions.

With all of the violence and deadly traffic in this town I don't blame the military for cutting out of this place. Still, KC's insurgents have a better soundtrack than all of that horrible Arab music.

Kind College Town

On the surface, an initiative to ease marijuana restrictions in Lawrence, KS seems like a good idea.

People caught with small amounts of pot would be prosecuted in municipal court instead of district court under a proposal that is supported by the mayor and the district attorney.

And then I realize that it's simply an initiative to keep stoner white kids and their supple pale asses out of the legal system and in good standing with their college loans.

"The district court system is here, in my opinion, for more serious cases," Mayor Boog Highberger said. "There's a lot of savings, I think, in being able to have a city court be able to do these things."

Highberger stressed that he was talking only about cases involving small amounts of marijuana for personal use, not cases involving drug dealers.

Thing is, in my experience, the difference between a drug addict and a drug dealer is usually the color of their skin. For the most part, white people get counseling and brown people get jail. Think I'm wrong, visit a state prison full of brown people on drug charges and then talk about the true casualties of the drug war. (*Brief aside: The prisons are also filled with more than a few toothless white Meth user/dealers as well but they probably never got a chance at college. Tony says: "Consider social issues from the vantage of 'Race, Class and Gender' and you'll hate the people of Johnson County all the more!")

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for white college chicks making bad decisions while they're high. The KU party girl on a bender is the reason why Lawrence holds a special place in my heart. However, these loopholes in the law for Phish fans should also apply to Jadakiss listeners as well and in the real world they seldom do.

Giving you the business

Poverty is soon to come to an end. All of those wretched poor people will get jobs, class and stop wearing sports jerseys. Jobs not starting with blow will fill the formerly blighted urban areas as Enterprise zones come to KC courtesy of Baby Blunt.

The enhanced enterprise zones will have 25-year life spans, and eligible businesses located in the zones can receive state tax credits based on job creation and investment for as long as 10 years.

It's always amazing to me that politicos think that tax breaks for the people with money will somehow bring in more money in the long run . . . knowing full well that people with money got it by being stingy bastards. This latest ponzi scheme won't make much of a difference for anybody except those of us looking at the City's nearly not existent tax base. Government is bad at nearly everything it does, including spurring economic development. If they wanted to really help, maybe they could buy new change cups for the homeless people who loiter near this city's entryways.

Blogger Backtalk: Rock out with your blog out

• The White Stripes in KC. A concert review from Badda Blog.


• Maxing out: Shitty public transportation, Pitch Pub Crawls and homosexual hangouts. All of these things are pretty queer activities in KC. Local blogger Brad has a gay old time and posts about it.


• Drink it in: Expensive beer, pillow talk and boyfriend stories all make me want to puke. However, hats off to local blogger Faithsista for having the guts to drown 'The Drink' in its own pretentiousness.


• Gone Mild files blogs about Bolivia. Interesting and informative.
  

When model minorities go bad

Local blogger Joe files the definitive account of the young suburban mom slayer Esmie Tseng.

Her parents were Chinese and quite old fashioned, you might say strict, borderline mean, and the girl sometimes said she hated them. But all in all it was your normal teen blog, though perhaps the writing was better than most, and the author, Esmie Tseng appeared to be just your typical suburban kid growing up on the Internet.

While I generally don't agree with mom killing, I'm down with breaking stereotypes. This Asian chick went apeshit in a way that's usually typical of spoiled American teens. What a country. Truly a melting pot. At least when it comes to everybody acting crazy.

Still, hard for me to feel sorry for kids who kill. Black kids taking out an Asian delivery driver or a crazy Chinese chick who cracks under the pressure of being good at math. Once you kill somebody, you loose the right to sympathy. Unless you're really hot or rich or have a hot or rich mom and dad.

Truman Wins

Harry Truman wins another election.

The former president from Independence was chosen as the favorite famous Missourian by fairgoers during a mock election at the State Fair in Sedalia.

Probably not a lot of Asian people at the State Fair. Yep, it's a pretty good bet that there might not have been one Japanese guy walking around out Sedalia that day. Still, Truman did accomplish a lot for a guy from Independence, MO. And if he held office today I'm sure that he would get more done for Missouri than the current crop of disappointing local leaders . . . and that's in his present condition.

Killer on the Road

Traffic deaths in KC are up 88 percent. Lately, it seems like Death is stalking the violent streets and the bloody roads of KC.

Gas prices be damned, I like to drive at night. I never pick up hitchhikers but Death never turns away company. It was raining and I thought he could use a lift.

Death: Thanks for stopping.
Tony: No problem. It's really coming down out there.
Death: Yeah. Lots of people to see tonight.
Tony: I guess you don't get much of a vacation.
Death: All work and no play . . .
Tony: Hey, no need to get so morbid.
Death: Sorry, occupational hazard. You always up so late? You know that's a good way to run into me. Don't worry, not here for you tonight. I've got a full schedule, lots of people to meet. I see all kinds. Lots of good folks and a few bad ones. But they're all just people. From kids to grandfathers I've met a lot of folks. Lots of young ones lately. Gun toting, drug dealing young men that seem like they're out looking for me. A few I meet by accident. You never know who you'll meet driving down the highway or just crossing the street. Funny, it's always a surprise. Turn left here, past the convenience store. You eat there enough Tony and we'll run into each other again soon than you think. Here's my stop. Thanks for the lift.
Tony: You take it easy, man.
Death: It's easier than you think.

Body Parts

Thankfully, The Superficial Plaza Chick has been posting a lot lately. In her latest entry (ewww) she writes about men with six nipples.

I know one helluva guy who has SIX cousins on his chest. They are not six man-boobs, but six nipples. He only has TWO pectoral muscles, but managed to get a neatly-rowed vegetable garden of man nipples.

That's nothing. All of my old school teachers had two chins, double wide asses (not as nice as the one featured above) and extra thick ankles.

There's nothing wrong with different body types and deformities. Whatever works. I know that for the rest of my days I'll search in vain for the chick with three boobs from Total Recall.

Not so likely story

MU cheerleaders, defenders and associates are pushing a seemingly far out story regarding the death of a MU linebacker Aaron O'Neal. Apparently, they are blaming a freak case of viral meningitis rather than the negligence of the coaches who didn't take the guy to the hospital for more than 90 minutes.

"This is going to be a reportable case ... presented before peer (medical) journal," Flaker predicted. And, he said, that "information has been sent to the (Center for Disease Control) in Atlanta."

Everyone reporting on this story is spinning the blame away from the coaches who were seemingly more concerned with their jobs and a good practice than the welfare of their players.

Flaker also said that, in his opinion, paramedics and MU trainers correctly did not use a defibrillator on O'Neal before his being brought to the hospital, saying that it wouldn't have helped.

I'm not a doctor and I don't know anything about viral meningitis but I do know a company town at work. Apparently, O'Neal's case of viral meningitis had no symptoms and couldn't be detected before his collapse on a sweltering Midwestern day at an under-equipped, under-supervised early season practice. Contrastingly, it's easy to spot spin and blame shifting.

MU is nearly the only source of revenue for Columbia. O'Neal's father is suing the school for the death of their son and it seems as if every medical professional in Columbia is coming to the aid of the school. Too bad O'Neal didn't receive as much medical attention for his ailments.

The article reveals that some medical research on the case was at Harvard and in Florida. However, I think the family of the dead football player needs to go outside the sphere of influence of MU in order to obtain an objective opinion. Columbia, MO is a very small town. I'm not saying that the Boone County medical examiner doesn't have any integrity, I'm only saying that the people of Boone County can't be blamed for looking out for their own interests. Sadly, it seems like very few people cared about the fate of young football player. At least, not enough to take him to the hospital right away.

New Star Login

(She's scaling the Star registration wall)

Inspired by this article by soon to be departing Pitch editor Tony O. I decided to create my own KC Star password.

The registration wall is simply unfair. It's nothing more than marketing gimmick and makes the number one news provider in this town inaccessible. I have no problem with people trying to make a buck but the registration process is simply nothing more than a misguided corporate scheme that views readers as dollar signs and not an integral part of community journalism. And, it's simply a pain in the ass.

So if you find yourself confronted with the Star registration wall simply use the e-mail address: star@tkc.com along with the password: star69 to gain entry. Or you can submit all of your personal information to complete strangers who are eager to sign you up for many "valuable" online services.

Things are tough all over: Just like Iraq KCMO struggles with its "constitution" as violence worsens.

The Royals remind us to "Remember all the good times we've had" as they beg for more money.

Bad Vibes: A local blogger knows that a sex toy can't pay for dinner.

"A higher power exists in all music" This local blogger isn't talking about Mariah Carey's rack.

The Men of Metro Sports: Second class station chasing second class ass

Blogger Love

Two of KC's best bloggers wish departing Pitch editor Tony O. good luck in his new job:

A send off from Death's Door.

A neighborly farewell from Badda Blog!

Who would Jesus Kill? Local reaction to Robertson's hit list.

In case you missed it, there's still a war going on: Missouri Soldier Killed In Afghanistan

Selling KC: Largest industrial sale in the history of the Kansas City market. 5, 4, 3, 2, until somebody mentions condos.

Firings at UMKC haven't slowed their efforts to stuff money in their pouch.

Murder number 77 in KC: Sadly, it seems that a home repairman should have installed bulletproof siding.

KC is too busy killing to steal. Murder rates rise other crime drops.

Baby's Mama

KMBZ reports that millions of dollars worth of child support has been paid but not properly distributed. Strangely, this story not only refers to accounting screw-ups by the state of Missouri but also concerns most women collecting child support and then spending it on a new pair of pumps or movie tickets. In fact, nearly all child support payments aren't being properly distributed if you think about it. Somebody has to pay for drinks while looking for a new daddy for your kid.

Real estate deal gone wrong. A local man is robbed, kidnapped and beaten. Suspects would have saved time if they'd just used eminent domain.

Blogger kills. Local moms are just a little bit more cautious as they approach the basement door.

Mizzou player died from Meningitis. Inattentive coaches breath a sigh of relief.

A Bridge Too Far. Which scares you more: brown people or high gas prices?

Carjackers in KC: Consider it an out of state tax

The Baby and the Beeatch round III: Blunt and McCaskill lock horns once again.

The Star reports on trampolines other than their female columnists

Just a little tweak

Sorry I'm late to post anything today but once again I'm dicking around with the format of the blog. Not to worry, I'm sticking with Blogger. The archives and ATOM feed are too valuable to give up. However, lately I've been copying/biting/stealing the style of The Superficial and it's been nice but something is missing. Do anything for too long and it becomes a formula, you run the risk of becoming a used car salesman.

That's why I'm going to attempt to post more quick links/headlines/jokes on their own. Unfortunately, cramming them all into categories wasn't working. If I have to type target="_blank" one more time I'm going to bitch slap Steve Glorioso, actually that wouldn't be a bad idea anyway but I'm not a codemonkey, I'm a blogger/writer/lazy. And the compilations were cramping the way that I look at the net, which couldn't have been good for the final product.

So, I'll be putting up some stand alone links in addition to longer form writing. Content wise this is the best mix for me and you. This blog has never been about putting the late breaking links up, the pace of news KC is too slow and the media outlets to lazy for that. However, I'm sure that I'm capable of more than 3 or 4 posts a day. Concerning design, I know it ain't pretty but it works. I'd like to find something more pleasing to the eye and doesn't require as much scrolling but I'm no Jason Kottke. Coincidentally, a lot of the design inspiration was taken from his page without looking even remotely as good.

Like the old saying goes:

"Talent borrows, Genius steals"

In that case, and many others, I'm a fucking thief.

The Strip is done

This is a sad day local bloggers and the local news scene as well. Tony Ortega, managing editor of The Pitch, has recently accepted a post as the editor of The New Times Broward and Palm Beach publication.

Not only did Tony have more guts than any local columnist when he took on area politicos and KC big wigs but also he was the ONLY advocate for local blogs from a popular news outlet. Tony showed up at a few blogger events and published "Net Prophet" which was all the rage among local bloggers. Damn, it's not like he's dead, the guy's gonna have an ocean front view and a more relevant political world to report on; it's Florida after all. I'm just a little jealous.

But the gain of the Sunshine state is the loss of this cowtown. I've encouraged Tony to start a blog so all of his KC readers can keep up with him. If you know Tony O. nag him about starting a blog as well.

Additionally, I really liked Tony O. We're pretty much the same age but I looked up to him as a role model. I don't come into contact with successful Latino writers, in fact, most of the Latinos writers I know are graffiti artists. By the way, now that he's gone I'm really gonna be fucking ruthless with The Pitch if I catch them slipping. Just a warning.

Anyway, best of luck Tony O. take care and don't forget to wear sunblock.

Circle Jerks

When there is nice weather over the weekend oftentimes a group of drum and bongo enthusiasts will get together and play for hours at Loose Park. Their music fills the air as joggers and walkers pass by during the course of a summer day.

And it has got to fucking stop.

Nobody wants to hear your shit hippies.

Hip-hop listening minorities playing their music at full blast will most likely soon be the victim of urban combat or spend the next 15-20 years in the pen, so their music is tolerable. But the only way these bongo playing bastards will ever make more breathing room on planet Earth is through some kind of freak patchouli overdose.

So they are going to have to shut the fuck up. Soon.

The bongo playing bunch is not providing culture or creating an artistic environment, they're simply making a bunch of fucking noise that nobody is paying to hear. Sure, the park doesn't belong to me but it doesn't belong to them either. So I shouldn't have to hear them working themselves into a trance more than a quarter mile away.

Who says banging on something rhythmically is a talent anyway? If it were, I would have made my stunning masturbation skills pay off years ago. But sadly, no one is paying me to beat my meat in much the same way these guys beat their drumskins. Coincidentally, I swear next time I see that group of aging hippies polluting the public space, I'm gonna take out my rain stick and go to work. What's wrong? You don't like the skin flute? Then pack your drums away Sunflower and play them for your 50-something librarian girlfriend over there wearing the hemp skirt. But do it in the privacy of your own home.

Civilization means that we respect the rights of others. Unless I get my turn to play death metal in the park, I don't want to listen to you trying to summon the spirit of Jerry Garcia. These impromptu concerts are not only bothersome but also passe. Society has moved past the drumbeats of the wild echoing through the wilderness, or at least those drumbeats that don't feature 50 Cent.

PR and BS. It's affirmative!

Today the Star is running a bullshit article planted by PR hacks from area colleges. Apparently, nearby colleges want to recruit more minorities:

The University of Kansas and Kansas State University are spending more recruitment time in western Kansas, where the Hispanic population has increased significantly.

The University of Missouri-Columbia is busing in minority students, primarily from Kansas City and St. Louis, to visit the campus.

Have they tried looking in the state prisons? Kansas and Missouri correctional facilities house many, many, (mostly in fact) minority inmates.

I used to endure this bullshit when I was in college. Professors wanted to see my bright smiling face in their office, especially when another colleague came by. I was also supposed to recruit my friends to go visit the college. Not because they had a way to fund their education but because somebody somewhere had a quota to meet. Thankfully, most of my friends were already hopelessly addicted to drugs and loose white women by that point.

Anyway, there are probably a few white people that might read this story and get upset. "Them thar people never dun recruit me or nun of my kin." Don't sweat it Cletus. These efforts are nothing more than window dressing. Your state college will most likely remain lilly white. Which will only make it even more embarrassing when your daughter brings home one of the few minorities on campus.

A Sports Complex

The Royals are nothing more than a glorified farm team and recently the Chiefs seem to be a training ground for county jail. Meanwhile, the respective owners of the teams seem to be putting all their efforts into extorting the people of KC:

Kansas City Royals owner David Glass wants Jackson County to spend about $200 million for upgrades to Kauffman Stadium, as part of an overhaul of the Truman Sports Complex that also includes Arrowhead Stadium, home of the NFL's Kansas City Chiefs.

The Chiefs' owner, Lamar Hunt, also wants extensive renovations to the sports complex - including $312 million fixing up and expanding Arrowhead. The two teams are scheduled to begin lease negotiations with the county later this week, as county officials weigh whether to put a stadium tax on the April ballot . . .

Glass said he would like to see an election as soon as possible, although he and Hunt both said they would respect the county's decision.

"We tend to take too long to do it," Glass said. "We need more a sense of urgency."

In hip-hop parlance that's called "bitch better have my money. Now!" $200 million for the worst team in major league baseball. Who's gonna pay it? JoCo folks, Platte County seem to duck out every time the bill comes. KC is looking down the barrel of a gun that could mean losing a sports team if the owners are as tough as they talk.

And it's too bad because I think that the kids of KC's public school system could learn something from the owners of our local sports franchises. Chiefly, it's much easier to rob people wearing a suit than a ski mask. Forget the chump change at a convenience store or a bank, if you own a sports team you can shake a city down for hundreds of millions of dollars. And in the end, the money won't benefit the local economy, it'll only help you earn even more profits. This could be the best scam in the city besides Kay Barnes pretending that she doesn't have a penis.

Pay up KC or else . . . you could lose a consistently mediocre team full of lowlife thugs or the minor league team full of players desperately hoping to be traded.

1000th Post

This is my 1000th post. More than a year of blogging has passed. I've achieved a lot with this page. People all across the city and the world stop by, I've met a lot of really great folks because of this thing and more people than I ever imagined have read my writing.

Every blogger starts off with delusions of being the next Dooce or Instapundit but it rarely happens. Most blogs are discarded after only a couple of posts. This thing has changed styles a number of times but it's always been about making fun of local news and politics.

Thank you for reading my ranting and ramblings. Thank you for enduring multiple misspellings and incorrect word usage. Thanks for stopping by, thanks for being able to take a joke.

Payback

People who obviously don't know much about math or statistics help fund the education of Missouri's kids.

The Missouri Lottery transferred $17.3 million Friday to the state's lottery proceeds fund for public education.

Doggystyle

Members of the KCPD shot a dog yesterday. The dog should be okay and will also have an interesting story to tell the bitches.

A Soldier's Story

The author of "Assumption of Command" lived in KC for awhile and now he's in Iraq. He's currently writing a 5 part series regarding his deployment in Iraq.

His blog is full of great insights about the war from someone who has dedicated their life to the operation. His tagline is classic. It reads: "Blogging from the Cradle of Civilization. Getting more and more civilized everyday."

Here's a sample:

Years from now, there will only be one thing that I will be proud of more than the team that we created here in my unit. When all is said and done, the best part will be knowing that we accomplished the mission that was assigned to us. There is no greater feeling in the Army than knowing that it was a job well done.

And while we prattle on here in the states, bitching about high gas prices or the line at Wal-Mart it's really comforting to know that somewhere on the other side of the world there are people who aren't caught up in a political debate over dinner, not yelling at each other during talk shows . . . they are simply, bravely doing their job as soldiers.

By the way, BTK

BTK was sentenced yesterday and I couldn't help but think that the statements read by the victims didn't really seem cathartic, they just seemed painful. One guy says that he wished that Rader's mom would have had an abortion. Another grieving family member imagined all of the victims watching Rader burn in Hell. Presumably cooking smores and smiling. Here's a sad fact, I think I've heard every one of those insults during the course of a breakup. Anyway, it didn't seem like it contributed much to the healing process.

So I figure that I've watched BTK tragedy unfold these past few months and I'm entitled to throw some emotional abuse Rader's way. Here goes:

Dooode. You killed a bunch of people. Damn. I guess I can't say that you're lazy. Hell I tried to learn the piano once and it didn't really take but I only practiced a few times. Did killing those people ever get old?

I went bowling when I was 12 and it was really fun the first time but then I went back later that month and I nearly fell asleep. You must have really enjoyed killing. I mean, dooooooode, all those bodies over several years. And the way you meticulously planned the murders. I have a hard time planning a trip to Starbucks, by myself.

If I think about it, you're actually highly motivated, committed and have the integrity to follow through with what you plan. That's more than I can say about most of the people I know. Too bad all of those good qualities went into serial murder. I have a feeling you may have been a good vice principal. I always thought my old vice principal could have been a serial killer. Life is strange that way.

Cowtown Corral: The Law of Averages

• Teens allegedly killed over basketball game.


• KC Area workers average $18.20 and hour. Phone sex works out to about $3 a minute, so you might be able to afford the extra spicy Ramen noodles if you hurry it up.


• KC's Gay and Lesbian Republicans are into the group thing. The KC Branch of The Log Cabin Republicans are ready to tackle the hard issues.


• If you can't find Jane Fonda and spit on her, engage in a more productive act and visit a replica of the Vietnam Memorial Wall on exhibit in Parkville.

Blogger Backtalk: Guess who loves you more

• I guess I'm wrong. Downtown development isn't a part of a speculative real estate boom that's hitting the Midwest last. All of this real estate speculation won't grind to a halt once interest rates keep on rising. No, we are building utopia here in KC. The brown people will soon stop killing each other and we can all enjoy arena football and shopping while we hold hands. Go KC!!!


• Home prices overvalued in 53 cities reports local blogger Hersh.


• Dem blog takes on Cheney's recent speech in Springfield.


• One of KC's best bloggers asks: "Can I be your friend?" This post has to be the sweetest bit of local blogger writing I've come across in a long time.


• Double Down: This local blogger spots a dumb guy giving away money in one of our local casinos.


• An ominous, dark, destructive force tears down the city. No, it's not Kay Barnes, it's a wrecking ball. Happy in Bag enjoys a show near the Midland.

Starburst: Keeping up appearances

• Trent Green is a nice guy. We swear. The KC Star is out to protect his image, so he must be great and not "overly friendly and grabby" toward a female wait staff member right before a bar room brawl. Yes, we're all rooting for the great white hope. However, I wouldn't mind a coke fiend, hooker banging linebacker like Lawrence Taylor as long as KC won a few playoff games. Apparently, it's better to cheer for a white guy that can sell cars rather than a black winner.


• Jazz district is as dead as . . . Jazz. Apartments available for a song.


• Missouri Rep. Michael Brown admits spending campaign money on himself.


• Left Behind: KC school district still slouches toward oblivion.


• Downtown Council gets a present from Baby Blunt. And they only had to wait six weeks.


• 'Lil’ Jake’s Eat It An’ Beat It' may soon be a thing of the past. Don't count on developers to look out for a "local guy." The nice quotes are nothing more than a smokescreen. I guess this is yet another example of Mayor Kay preserving KC's history.
  
  Bypass KC Star registration - email: strip@pitch.com/password: hamloaf!

Unveiled

This is what the new Sprint Center might look like. I couldn't find a view of the inside but I'm sure it's probably empty. The place is all set to handle crowds of up to 18,500 who will presumably rush the gates in order to see hockey and arena football.

Like the new Star production facility, the designers went with the glass house look. Undoubtedly, the building is impressive. I'm just not sure they'll ever find anything as cool to put inside. And that's pretty much the point, right? The designers are truly brilliant but even a country bumpkin knows not to put the cart in front of the horse.

Mr. Nice Guy

KMBZ 9 News reports that chiefs President Carl Peterson is "angry" at the mere suggestion that Trent Green might have been involved in the latest Chief's bar room brawl.

For the love of God, no! The two black guys, fine. The kicker is replaceable. But who are you supposed to root for if not the great white hope of KC - Trent Green. C'mon, the guy plays catch with President Bush for fuck's sake. We don't want all of the Johnson County kids to realize that their hero isn't the only decent (read: white) guy on the team worth cheering for but in fact he is just another jerkoff like the rest of the spoiled brat, thug, millionaire, hoping to be traded, prima donna NFL players in this town. So, according to Carl Peterson, Trent Green did not get into a fight. It didn't happen, so keep eating those $8 hot dogs and drinking the $9 beer. By the way, did I mention that you look great in that XXXXXXL Chiefs jersey?

Royally screwed

The Royals are on an 18 game losing streak. Three more losses and they will tie the AL record.

Notice how there isn't much talk of a new downtown stadium right now? Because investing millions of dollars into the biggest losers in the league is absolutely insane. This is a small sports market, basically nothing more than a farm team for franchises who are able to spend a lot of money winning. I'm actually rooting for the Royals to break this record because it will remind all of the downtown cheerleaders that no amount of construction can help a losing cause.

I swear, there are so many people in this town that cream their pants every time there is local construction. It's like they never got over the time their mommy took away their building blocks. New construction is not infrastructure, it's simply away for local leaders to dole out more tax breaks and find contributors to their election campaigns. So often the new construction comes at the expense of the neighborhoods Mayor Kay Barnes promised to protect when she first came into office.

I totally support the Royals as they sink to new lows. May their horrible play and shitty record remind everyone that games aren't won with money and new stadiums. In fact, in Kansas City games are rarely won at all.

It's getting hot in here

This is the hottest part of the year. The body count and the temperatures are rising in KC.

Three people were killed Wednesday in two separate shootings in Kansas City, police said.

The deaths bring to 76 the total number of homicides reported for the year in the city.

There's no joke in this post other than the fact that KC boosters and politicos have been pretty much silent on this issue. So much talk of construction and water bonds that none of our "leaders" have addressed all of the blood on this town's streets.

The Warpath

Here's a great Chief's website that isn't strictly cheerleading: Arrowheadcase.

The easy joke about kicker Lawrence Tynes' barroom blitz that resulted in a bouncer's broken 'boscis is that Chiefs fans should be relieved that he didn't miss wide right and smack the guy in the ear.

That's pretty good. I just hope they'll be something to laugh about when JaxCo spends hundreds of thousands to keep our favorite football losers in town while the rest of the city is falling apart or being sold to real estate developers. Actually, that's kind of funny too. Go Chiefs!

Public Space

I love to watch white women having sex on DVD. I don't know if this is a political view but it's something I believe in very strongly. You came to this blog, you looked, read it and now you know how I feel. That is freedom of speech at its finest.

However, for the longest time a group of dumbasses has occupied Mill Creek Park and subjected thousands of passers-by to their political opinions.

A few hundred people attended a candlelight vigil in Mill Creek Park, just east of the Country Club Plaza, as part of a nationwide series of events supporting Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a soldier killed in Iraq . . . The rallies Wednesday were coordinated by the MoveOn, Democracy for America and True Majority political groups. Attendees said they hoped the events would energize the peace movement.

The crowd near the Plaza was a mix of people. College students, older couples, singles and young families with children held candles and sang “America The Beautiful.”

Yes, you have a right to assemble, you have a right to be wrong, you have a right to fight one hopeless cause (a stable Iraqi Democracy) with an equally hopeless cause (world peace). But do you have to be there all the fucking time? Why not have a protest in Johnson County? That's where all you fucking people live anyway. You're three blocks away from the KC's Eastside warzone and all you care about is some spotlight hogging broad and her vendetta against the President or the oil war that allows you to drive those mini-vans which enabled you to get to the protest in the first place.

If there is anybody looking to hook up on the Plaza during one of the many protests, I'd advise trying to talk with one of the peace loving broads that does not have (much of) a mustache. Obviously, they will believe anything.

One Woman's Evolution

(She's a cave woman. If you were wondering.)

My Dad owns probably one of the best lines known to mankind. Here it is, my gift to you: "There is nothing worse than a reformed whore. A whore who gets religion."

The current issue of The Pitch uncovers the sordid past of one of the main players in the Kansas Evolution debate. Here's a sexy excerpt:

She wanted to expand her modeling portfolio, maybe land some jobs. She'd met a photography instructor who had offered to shoot her. During the shoot, she let go of her inhibitions and posed nude.

"I felt beautiful," she writes. "Once he described a pose he was looking for ... a hustler, erotic-type position. I hit it perfectly while he snapped away with his camera and cheered my performance. I felt vexed ... undone ... I quickly moved to another pose ... and never produced that type of look again."

It gets better. In this harrowing scene, she actually asks God to help her be more thoughtful with her vagina.

"Every Sunday I went to the altar with a broken heart and begged for strength to quit 'fooling around.' I would emerge with smeared makeup and a swollen face but determined to stay strong ... which lasted until Friday night's date when both our desires started screaming for attention," she writes. "Couldn't an attractive, young mother, alone in her own home late at night, make an exception to the rules of holiness?"

Nice. And the answer is yes. That's how hookers and strippers are created. Anyway, what this article really represents is how desperate journalists are to come up with some kind of new angle for the evolution story. Morons who want science out of public schools can repeat the same thing over and over again but the rest of us get sick of hearing it after awhile. This week The Pitch comes through with a great example of how the leaders of the anti-evolution movement are barely qualified to run their own lives let alone the education of future generations.

Kicking Ass

Enjoy the pre-season, the Chiefs are really kicking ass. Even the kicker is ready to throw down right beside the rest of our favorite group of hometown thugs.

Another member of the Kansas City Chiefs is in trouble with the law, this time it's place-kicker Lawrence Tynes. Early morning Sunday, August 14, Greg Wesley and Junior Siavii were arrested for being rowdy in a downtown Minneapolis hotel. . . Upon review of medical reports and an in-house video tape, Tynes was charged Wednesday morning with one felony count of substantial battery and one count of misdemeanor battery. The bouncer had a broken nose, which makes it a felony in Wisconsin.

That's not too bad for a player that most fans don't even consider a real member of the team. The kicker is a badass, the rest of the team is ready to drink it up and get rowdy. I would tell the opposition to look out because these guys seem to have a lot of spirit as the season approaches. However, it's more likely that the blonde sluts in Westport are going to take the vast majority of punishment dished out by the Chiefs this year.

Clearinghouse

Wow, I just spotted this amazing page of daily political links from a guy in Missouri.

John Combbest has a great page with tons of information on the politics that affect Missouri.

Check it out.

This shit is racial

Many thanks to a reader for sending in two great links that will only my fuel race obsessed perspective. Seriously, I've been writing so much about race lately I think I'm gonna try to devote the rest of the week to making fun of whores.

• A sad example of how NOT to throw a black guy a surprise party in Missouri. This is a great photo that I believe really captures the black experience in the show me state.


• In St. Louis, it's not just "white flight" it's more like an evacuation. Additionally, someone should shave this guy's ball sack with a rusty razor for naming his place "sho nuff." The reporter describes the title as "a phrase that would tell customers they had come to the right place. " Or maybe a name that would capture the idiocy of the owner. At least I've found something cross cultural today . . . most barbers (no matter their background) are insufferable windbags.

Bunch of savages in this town OR Party all the time

All over town people are talking about the story of four kids allegedly luring an innocent delivery man to his death.

Wyandotte County prosecutors allege the four teenagers ordered food from the restaurant and had it delivered to a vacant house, where Cui was ambushed and killed. The motive, according to prosecutors, was to pay admission to a party at the Armory and to buy marijuana and alcohol.

Investigators said that they found the rest of money, still covered in blood, in the pockets of one of the suspects when he was taken into custody the next day.

Clearly, this is a horrible tragedy not only because Chinese food went to waste but also because these kids are going to jail for a long time because no one taught them math.

I'm all about solutions on this humble web page so let me teach my readers and my city a valuable lesson:

Do not kill anyone for less than a hundred dollars.

Seriously, let it slide if it's a conflict that comes down to less than a C-note. Someone runs off with your lawnmower, forget about it because you'll feel really dumb when a prison psychologist tells you that you are spending your entire youth in a prison cell because of a broken down piece of machinery that sells for less than $25. Same thing goes for shoes, clothes, chains, rims, whatever. While the Star might blame the lack of civility as a reason for the increase in violent crime in the area, I think it could simply be the lack of basic math skills.

Delivery drivers carry very little cash on them. This should be obvious to even the most novice of criminals. Additionally, I found it disturbing that the parents of the alleged assailants left the courtroom crying. First of all, I was surprised to learn that the dirtbag kids weren't raised by wolves, secondly if your kid kills some poor defenseless delivery guy for pocket change . . . maybe that's a sign that your parenting skills weren't quite up to par and your tears are useless now because your negligence left some guy dead.

I wish I had something real to contribute to the discussion. I like the way the local news can't really run with the racial aspect of the story. 4 Black kids kill an Asian dude . . . everyone I know has at least given this fact some consideration. All over the city you can be sure that epithets, defense of the model minority and "I told you so's" are being proclaimed by the media watching public.

No matter. It seems that this senseless act is beyond savagery, below even the depths of animal scavengers . . . they rarely bother with chump change. However, killing the innocent and defenseless is an act that is all too human and it's just one of the growing number of stories behind the many murders in the area.

Starburst: Life and breath

• More follow up on the "pass-out" story. It kind of takes your breath away when you consider all the attention paid when a young white girl dies.


• Phelps pickets soldiers funerals. It's too easy to beat up on these people. They all seem to have some kind of mental/emotional disorder. Really sad if you think about it that a few people have followed this guy into oblivion at least Jim Jones has nice suits. Anti-gay, anti-American, anti-soldier and in desperate need of anti-depressants.


• The official song of this town should be "Let the bodies hit the floor" not "Kansas City."


• Gotta Dance: Dirtbag kids kill delivery man for money to party. "Family members cried when they saw them, and at least one person left the courtroom sobbing at the sight of one of the younger-looking boys in shackles." Somebody please beat the family members, the should be crying because they raised such human garbage.
  

Bypass KC Star registration - email: strip@pitch.com/password: hamloaf!

Blogger Backtalk: Under the Influence

• The bum's rush at Death's Door.


• Dave Helling has so much integrity he's going to work at the Star and write intros to PR copy for the rest of his career.


• Local blogger Joe is a "cracka with attitude" and a pretty great story of how NWA influenced his life and career.


• A pretty decent blockbuster queue from local blogger DTS.

Stoned

The KC Curling Club is throwing an open house, some curling stones and a some free instructions your way. Sweeping on ice beats sweeping in your filthy apartment. Check them out.

Cost of living

Today's report from The Business Journal reveals that it takes a village of idiots to spike area home prices. Thank you real estate developing jerkoffs, your condos only make everything more expensive not valuable.

Median price of KC-area homes rises 3.2 percent

The median sales price of single-family homes reached $157,000 in the Kansas City area during the second quarter, the National Association of Realtors said.

Here's another question: When was the last time you saw anybody building affordable single family units in KC? Westside Housing is quickly going tits up thanks to ritzy downtown interlopers. Look around and all the residential construction is geared toward the luxury market. Rich people are great (for robbing) but the whole "if you build it they will come" philosophy never worked for white kids and the school district so why should it help the real estate market in KC.

• Cost of driving to the polls and electing a gaggle of short sighted dumbasses: $3
• Average housing cost in KC: $157,000
• Building a city on wild speculative land deals and tax breaks: Priceless

Sorry to burst your bubble.

No Sell Out

Great photo of Elvis and Priscilla in KC from local blogger "Happy in Bag." This blogger has some thoughts about the post-mortem image problems of The King.

Sure, it's fun to goof on Elvis. Jelly doughnuts and fat guys bellowing to Burning Love are always good for a laugh. The 18th Annual Elvis Parade is meant to be "wacky." But it's also disheartening that the legacy of Elvis, like so much in our culture, is reduced to its crassest level. My Elvis is not a punch line.

He makes a good point.

I propose that the next local costume extravaganza feature nothing but tranny mock ups of Kay Barnes, I bet it would actually improve her legacy as the worst Mayor in the history of KC.

Suiting up

This story of a local man allegedly threatening his neighbors with a baseball bat and a machete makes me wonder what was going through his mind as he looked for his weapons of choice and prepared to confront his neighbors.

Yusef Trivue, returned, kicked in the door, and was holding a baseball bat and a machete, according to police.

The men wasted no time calling police, who arrested Trivue.

He was charged with aggravated assault.

Thankfully, no one was hurt. However, I'm thinking of getting in contact with this guy and asking him to greet my new condo and loft dwelling neighbors downtown. I bet he could put together one Hell of a welcome wagon.

Cowtown Corral: Running down a dream

• A car chase that reached over 80 mph and took police all over the Greater KC area ends in a fast food parking lot. There's nothing better than eating your egg McMuffin and watching some Meth user finally reach bottom. I'm loving it!


• Royals still suck huge donkey balls.


• Cheney set to deliver his overly optimistic and ambiguous outlook in Springfield. If only he could have talked to my parents during high school, I would have been able to flunk out while still staying in their good graces.


• Gatorade truck turns over on the Interstate. Truck stop whores get to hear the catchphrase "Is it in you?" in an entirely different context.


• Matt Blunt and his amazing hair will save us from the terrorists and their dirty bombs. Or else we can all just hide under his wife's skirt.

In other news: Nature or Neuter?

• Parrish reports on an angry, half naked white woman on the Plaza. More proof that getting a white broad to take her clothes off is simply a matter of finding the right cause.


• A 15 year-old Kansas girl dies while playing "The Choking Game." Hard to believe they don't want to even consider Darwin's theories in that state. (Actually, I've read that the D man wasn't a big fan of "Social Darwinism." That's all good because I can simply discount that theory without having to reject all of Darwin's other insights. Science is good like that, not everything has to be accepted as gospel truth. In fact, debate and discussion is encouraged. Try telling your religious affiliates they are full of shit.)

Grifting Grandma

An old lady is gets pushed around by a black guy and the world reaches out to show they care and counteract the actions of one enterprising African-American. Cut off their Social Security and Medicaid but just don't beat them in public, better they eat dog food behind the closed doors of their crumbling houses. Here's the latest example of everyone but me being a fucking hypocrite:

A 93-year-old woman mugged in a grocery store parking now has replaced two of the items taken with viewers' help . . . in the parking lot of a grocery at 18th Street and Central Avenue on Aug. 2, when a man walked by and jerked the purse off her arm. The crime was caught on a surveillance camera.

It's really great video too. And old white lady brutally attacked, reminds me of high school skip days all over. I'm happy the old girl is okay and I'm also pleased that Channel 9 News provided in-depth coverage of their effort to get the lady a new purse and makeup. I'm sure that will keep the old bag company in the few lonesome days she has ahead of her.

Stop being outraged. That old bitch doesn't read blogs.

Starburst: Take it easy, lay back and try to enjoy it.

• Take your meds: High strung parents and kids head back to school.


• Sprint Center back on track and now wasting your tax dollars right on schedule.


• How dare you have a fundraiser in support of breasts and not one broad shows their tits. I'll be at my local strip club doing breast exams if you need me.


• The Federal Government wastes more money with a futile search for intelligence in Kansas. If they haven't found it in more than a hundred years, I'd be surprised if they uncovered it anytime soon.


• Overland Park restores Golf Course. OR Target #348722B for those of you preparing for the upcoming race war.

Bypass KC Star registration - email: strip@pitch.com/password: hamloaf!

Danger Everywhere

• More pervs in Shawnee. Who knew the suburbs were so sexy?


• Four kids arrested for stabbing a Chinese food deliveryman to death. Officials were afraid that their appetite to kill would come back after about twenty minutes.


• Blunt's world class hair is his best defense against a silly lawsuit by one of the many groups he has disenfranchised.


• Kansas media empire gives KU an assload of cash in lieu of any decent jobs in journalism.


• BEE Careful BEE-cause little kids are filthy, dirty germ magnets. Free immunization clinics for the kids of Missouri residents this weekend.

Hot off the press

Local blogger Parrish is bringing even more of his work to a newsstand near you:

I would be publishing a total of 140 square inches a month in two publications, with at least 20,000 total readers (more if you assume that many hundreds of the back~pages and the other publication are read by multiple people.) this is very small, in the grand scheme of things, and pays next to nothing (which is irrelevant to me,) but it makes me pretty happy at the same time.

It's awesome to see a local artist get some recognition. I wish I could write columns for some of our local rags but not only would that require leaving my underground lair but also I'm sure that not too many editors would like being called cocksuckers. I love my blog, I love it so. My precious.

Blogger Backtalk: Let's talk it over

• Rufus review from Baddda Blog!


• No Ben Folds bashing from local blogger Brad.


• A bit of mathematical evidence on why the Royals suck. Interesting, I wonder if there is a pie chart for just how much the team licks balls.


• The Kiss: OR How to ruthlessly build up the hopes of a single mom.


• Is Springsteen coming to KC in a smaller venue? This local blogger serves up some insightful thoughts about The Boss.


• Time for Cindy Sheehan to shut the Hell up? "Thoughts from Kansas" thinks it over. Whereas I find no difficulty telling white women to shut the fuck up no matter what subject they are discussing. If I don't smell chicken pot pie, I don't want to hear you. Burp.

Feedback: I'm not listening

Lots of reaction today to the Minsky's post. Thanks for all the mail both supportive and sarcastic. For a couple of you who didn't want to be mentioned, don't worry I wouldn't do that. Here's a sample of the e-mail I received from people who did want to weigh in on the subject:

"I'm a waitress and this happens all the time. Try not to take everything so personal. All white people are not out to get you."

"One again, you don't know what fuck you're talking about."

"Some people are just looking for an excuse to fail."

"Strange, you probably run the most racist and sexist blog in KC."

However, the best, funniest and the most insightful quote of the day comes from a longtime reader of this page and it references a very controversial example of supposed racism:

"You are becoming a "Tijuana Bawl-ey."

Cowtown Corral: Pointless fights and moderate flooding

• Nowhere to run: The suburbs aren't as safe as you think.


• Violence is getting downright medieval in KC. Teen stabbed to death on Sunday night.


• Too bad bar fights don't win football games. Chiefs not only have very little talent but also are running desperately short on class.


• Soon to be another country classic: Man claims that ex ran into him with a pickup.


• Westport was washed out over the weekend. Does silicone float? Will the current crop of barfly bimbos be damaged? I hope not, but a few wet t-shirts are never a bad thing.


• KMBZ: "Royals Blow!" Please don't change the headline, please don't change it. This may be the first honest assessment of the Royals from a major news agency in the past 5 years.


• Sprint signs a deal with the NFL. With no job to go to on Monday, former employees should be delighted to see their old boss doing so well. Go Sprint Nextel!!!

Blogger Backtalk: Talk dirty to me

• The Superficial Plaza Chick spots homeless penis on The Plaza. That's hot.


• 9 buck parking is enough to keep even the most diehard Royals fan from the game.


• Parrish could possibly be the nicest blogger in the world. Most women leave my car pregnant.


• MToast has a new weapon of choice.


• Rusty on being an intern.


• What would The Flying Spaghetti Monster do?
  

Trade

In the old days, brown people used to at least get beads for their valuable lands. Now the city just uses eminent domain to "develop" the lands of the natives.

Becky Nace thinks shopping will solve the years of racial discord that marks the history of this town. Why in the fuck do all women think that buying something will solve their problems?

Eat Me

Every white person in the world is racist. Some of them respond to this in a positive fashion and futilely try to redeem themselves much like the members of Opus Dei who still (supposedly) practice self-flagellation. Others just roll with it. While the remaining hate mongers live in Independence, MO.

My most recent encounter with the racism of white folks occurred with a denial of service at the Minsky’s out by the airport this weekend.

I picked my family up from their vacation. They came back looking well rested, tried and very, very tan. They were hungry so we stopped by the nearest eatery. The second to we walked into the Northland pizza place, heads started to turn and we got a few looks from the NASCAR hat wearing set that pretty much indicated that we weren’t welcome. Still, we picked out a seat in the back and looked at our menus. The place wasn’t that crowded. The teenage waitress quickly informed us that any pizza order we’d make would take at least an hour. She looked us over once more, gave us the “I’m sorry look” and that very polite “please leave” stare. Good enough, we knew we weren’t wanted, the place was out in the sticks and none of us really needed all those carbs. There are no more signs nowadays, no loud confrontations, and no written policy. White people escape minorities by pretending to like Thai food, paying outrageous amounts for strange omelets, making sure that a place plays country music and moving so far out into the country that deer are more common than brown people.

I know it’s not nice to generalize. She could have been telling the truth, although I saw a different waitress taking an order from another table without giving them the “get out” spiel. She could have been swamped but I don’t know why somebody would want to turn away business and more tips. It didn’t bother me much, but it just confirms my suspicion that the suburbs serve as nothing more than an escape route from minorities. So what?! I wasn’t able to eat at a restaurant that smelled like pee. The episode was nothing compared to the suffering of victims of real racially charged incidents. In the end, it doesn’t bother me that much; now I know not to disturb feeding time in the suburban cage that most white people and a few minorities have created for themselves.

Every night so many folks in this city watch the evening news and play “I bet it was a black guy” before the mug shot is displayed. Or some of you might wonder how long it would take to deport the illegal alien taking your fast food order. I’m no better, I go out to the suburbs and I believe that I know the “real” reason why people live out there in the middle of nowhere, even if they don’t.

Realization

I'm probably the most foul mouthed, inappropriate, rude, uncivil, insulting and obnoxious local commentator when it comes to politics, culture and news. And if I can't think of something mean and nasty to write, I'm sure I can find an appropriate link. Sure, very often, I'm probably misinformed, misguided or just plain wrong but I usually find the most offensive comment to make in any given local situation. What can I say, I learned from the best. Anyway, I just thought it was about time that I acknowledge that I'm the worst when it comes to thoughtful discourse regarding local issues but I'll always try to keep things funny.

Update: Anonymous e-mail - "No, you're the biggest asshole in Kansas City. Jerkoff."

Thank you for reading.

Cowtown Corral: News you probably won't use

• Birch bankruptcy means you'll probably have to find another place where you pretend to work.


• Two KCK men try to abduct codes officer. Fine ass Surae Chinn covers the reports the scary story with a gleam in her eye.


• Burning down the house: Local fire may have uncovered a dog fighting training facility. OR another reason to call your pooch a sissy.


• Man drowns in backyard pool. 3 feet of water proves deadly.


• Butler man goes Postal. Mail carriers not only have to worry about rabid mutts but also must look out for crazy ass people who think they're dogs.


• Skynyrd won't be at the State Fair. Luckily, hollering "play Free Bird" is still appropriate for almost any occasion in rural Missouri.


• Kids on Missouri school busses soon to get a crash course in the clarity of hindsight.


• He built this city: A decent local developer dies. However, current local developers don't have to worry about their fate because they're immortal creatures of the night who live off of TIFF money and fear . . . plundering one part of KC to the next and leaving strip malls in their wake.

Stripped

It's hard to take sides on the "stripper issue" that confronts Missouri. Most strippers are desperate skanks that hate men more than Andrea Dworkin could have ever realized. However, single moms have a right to make a living just like everybody else. Additionally, I've never left a strip club without feeling robbed of both my money and dignity. Thing is, I hate people telling me what I can and can't do when it comes to boobies. As much as I'd like to, I haven't been over to Matt Blunt's house and told his wife how to give a lap dance.

Recently, the Northeast News featured a great article regarding the recent controversy concerning adult entertainment in Missouri and the legislative challenge posed by Matt Blunt and the rest of the show-me state prudes. Northeast is home to two of the best strip clubs in town: The Shady Lady and Gerry's Silver Slipper. However, I still don't feel that I need to stand up for this state's strip clubs because they're probably mob connected and definitely have more than enough money and power to defend themselves.

The Missouri chapter of the Association of Club Executives (ACE), the trade association for owners and operators of adult nightclubs, is preparing for a legal stand-off over the constitutionality of the law. In the meantime, ACE attorneys Jim Deutsch of Jefferson City and Richard Bryant of Kansas City will seek a restraining order allowing clubs to continue their current practices until the challenge is resolved.

And like all initiatives for morality or decency, the effort to kill the adult industry is remarkably short sighted. Social conservatives who want to "clean up" society usually just end up creating a much more lucrative and dangerous underground exchange for vice (example: Prohibition). Close down the strip clubs and you'll just send the local sluts to people's houses. I've seen "shows" at private bachelor parties that make the antics at strip clubs seem like made for TV movies. And as always, the slippery slope in this regard refers to more than a stripper's backside. If the conservative crusaders can make your entertainment plans for you, what's to stop them from also censoring your online appetite for desperate naked women.

Of course, detractors of adult entertainment always link strippers to whores and sadly the comparison is apropos. Amusingly, one of the former hookers in this article references the crackdown on Swedish whores as a good reason to legislate against titties in this state. Thing is, people see sex traded for money so often they only recognize it in its most blatant forms. Men pay for sex whenever they buy sports cars, big JoCo houses, loft apartments, engagement rings or a fancy dinner for their date. Finally, I'd have to point out that the adult entertainment industry is worth billions and I'm pretty sure that there are more than just a couple of pervs putting all that money into the hands of the men who exploit adult entertainers. My father is fond of saying that a "social conservative" is someone who doesn't drink in front of you. Likewise, it's more than likely that a few of these champions of morality have enjoyed the material they want to keep out of your hands. And don't give me that crap about the more conservative interior of the state, I'm pretty sure that the rural strip clubs off I-70 take in far more money than any of the Walnut Bowl stands. With so many other problems in the state it's so sad to see politicos charging forward with an effort to ban publicly exposed boobies and nude dancing. In a summer when our troops are at war, our roads are crumbling, our healthcare infrastructure is being willfully torn apart, most of our public schools are woefully failing to properly educate their students, murders are commonplace on our streets; the initiative to ban the display of stripper booty is downright asinine.

To Do: Working for the weekend

I rarely leave my remote underground location but I love hearing about events throughout the city. If you know of something going on in KC and you'd like me to make a stupid joke about it, please drop me a line: tony@tonyskansascity.com.

• The Event Driver has a comprehensive list of weekend shows. Check them out.
• Modern art and its take on professional wrestling. Sounds interesting but will the skanks be wearing hairspray? Summerbrawl is tonight at 8 p.m. behind Grinders. There is sure be so many hipsters in attendance that you'll probably feel like hitting someone with a chair. (Hat tip to local blog "I am Spartacus" for the info)

You Fucking Pussy!

Yesterday, a Tonganoxie teenager was awarded 250K because a jury decided that the school district failed to stop the bullying that ultimately led him to drop out of school. If that's justice, every dork, loser, homosexual, minority and prematurely tall girl should soon expect a check in the mail.

A quarter of a million for a shitty high school experience? You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Here's a few stories about the bullying that went on in the course of my Catholic education:

• The star jock used to spit on all the Mexican kids as they walked home.


• Spanish speaking dominant kids were put in all of the retarded classes.


• The priest used to prank my parents when they were a few days late with a tuition payment. "Hey me-ster, it's that time of the month, essay."


• I was a proud member of the cafeteria "brown spot"


• I still can't eat a burrito in public for fear of drawing insults.

There's more to add the list but it's not worth the time. Any high school nerd probably holds a mental index of humiliations far worse and more numerous than mine. Additionally, somehow I think that enduring the scorn of jocular, young white males makes you even more attractive to white women later on in life. Anyway, high school is supposed to be about humiliation, bullying and injustice. It's all preparation for the real world where they don't just take your lunch money, they run off with your pension.

Paying a kid because he had a hard time is counterproductive. It's the kids who had a hard time that go on to accomplish great things. Wonder why Bill Gates rules your desktop with an iron fist? Because he probably didn't get his first blow job until he had a million bucks in his bank account. In fact, in a certain sense I'm sure every scientific breakthough owes a small debt to bitchy high school girls who wouldn't give the time of day to a guy with a pronounced overbite, acne or an oddly shaped head. I'd bet that high school bullying has ultimately led to great accomplishments in the arts, sciences, literature along with all the sports cars purchased in its wake.

And a 250K reward for being a dork isn't really that valuable in the end. Seeing your prom queen become a whore, watching the football star become a fat drunken oaf, learning that the funny guy now sells insurance and that your ex-girlfriend married some rich Korean dude . . . those things are priceless.

The kid can have his money I guess. In the end I hope it's clear to every teenager that high school doesn't last forever and it's not nearly as important as people think. Lawsuits are a great way to score some fast cash and that's probably an important life lesson. But the bullying doesn't end at graduation. Hillary Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, The Pope, Matt Blunt, Osama bin Laden, Michael Moore, Rush Limbaugh, Harvey Weinstein, George Soros, Kay Barnes, Kim Jong-Il, Steve Glorioso, Fred Phelps, Mike Murphy, Oprah Winfrey, KC downtown real estate developers, Dick Cheney and Kelly Eckerman are all living proof that bullies are out there waiting to give you a hard time long after high school is over.

Cowtown Corral : Rawhide!

This is a new feature on TKC where a few local news items get rounded up. Yee-haw! (Note: That's the last time I'll ever write "yee-haw" and the only time you'll see it referenced without country music immediately following)

• Kansas National Guard goes to Iraq, because there is still a war over there. Remember? In fact, I hear it's not going so well. Speaking of bad news, are Nick and Jessica still together?


• There are many diseases you could get on a romantic getaway at The Elms. They're still trying to identify what could be affecting some local cheerleaders.


• Is your man beating the shit out of you? Only your hairdresser knows for sure. Phil Kline wants your stylist to dish and he promises not to reveal the real color of your roots . . . unless he can get some political mileage out of it later.


• Funeral held for abused puppy. Homeless dying of heat stroke would probably be more troubling if it was okay to pet them.


• Precious Doe will be buried again. No word if she's being exhumed for a photo op with Alonzo Washington.


• Upskirt photographer caught by surveillance camera. Somewhere there is an Irony Meter exploding.


• Two fans were shot after a Bow Wow concert, probably for something other than their shitty taste in music.

Blogger Backtalk: Road to Nowhere

Clearly, local bloggers aren't running on empty. In fact, they're making roadkill out of anything in their way:

• Shut'em down: Blunt has managed to piss off minorities, Medicaid users, liberals, poor people, strippers and their patrons. Now he's thumbing his nose at KC drivers. Can the rich, white, Christian, chauffeur driven vote be that powerful? God I hope not.


• Related: "Blunt doesn't care about me" t-shirt. Covers just about everybody.


• "Oil goes up; Everything goes up" OR "For the last fucking time, they do not grow the food in the back of the grocery store!"


• Scoot: Brave souls spotted taking on cell phone entranced drivers all over KC.


• Happy (belated) Birthday Rusty. Good news: High School girls always stay the same age.
  

Starburst: Tell it like it isn't

Last year I learned that August is a shitty time for news. Most of the terrorists even take a vacation this time of year. These stories from The Star will have to suffice:

• Local columnist gets paid a livable wage to write about the weather. Read for yourself and then slap your high school English teacher if she's still alive.


• What do you think about eminent domain? Local officials will pretend to give a shit.


• Two men charged in shooting of two women. And you wonder why a some women would chose a feather or battery operated machinery over a man? Lesbians are hot. Giggity, giggity . . . !


• Embracing diversity means lying to yourself and others.


• If you can't afford the services of the A-team, a support group might help you deal with the loss of your loved one.

Bypass KC Star registration - email: strip@pitch.com/password: hamloaf!

Veg

I'm in a really weird mood this morning. I completely enamored with my schweetie. I'm also drinking a lot of caffeine lately but thankfully my right eye has stopped twitching. Yesterday, I ran into one of my buddies from the old days and it was good to see that he was doing well. Grams is in the old folks home for the moment but she's giving them (read: everyone) Hell (even with a funky hip) and I hope that she'll rehab her way back to the old apartment soon. All in all, thank God, things are good.

It's really quiet right now and that always makes me contemplative. While I think people who recite slam poetry should be beaten in the most painful way imaginable (who needs rap without the music?), I'm still a big fan of more traditional forms of poetry. It's often overlooked but Jim Morrison was a great poet in addition to his talent for publicly exposing his penis and taking enough drugs to kill a small elephant. An American Prayer was probably his master work and it's nearly as good as his rendition of "Backdoor Man." Here's one of my favorite verses:

Words dissemble
Words be quick
Words resemble walking sticks
Plant them they will grow
Watch them waver so
I'll always be a word man
Better then a bird man

I like that a lot. The line about planting makes me think of the upcoming harvest. I know dick about farming but my paternal grandma used to give me money when I was a little kid to help her plant tomatoes in her backyard which is located in one of this city's Eastside warzones. Similarly, local blogger/writer Joe has some wonderful photos of the amazing vegetables in his super cool garden that he's soon to harvest as this season comes to an end.

What's up in WYCO?

Local blogger JDoubleP fulfills his civic duty (he-he I wrote duty) and takes a meeting with the Mayor of KCK:

All in all, my impression of Mayor Reardon is that he's a businessman, first and foremost. I don't mind that much. I deal with them all day long and, for better or worse, having a business-minded politician in office - SOMEONE WHO DEMANDS RESULTS (and even initiates a Performance Management Program for the UG) - might truly help the community. At any rate, listening to him speak, I felt good about the direction of WYCO (and yeah, I realize that's his job). I'll feel better once we find out what they're planning for the downtown and surrounding areas.

I'll probably never become a member of the property owning class and I guess that's okay with me. Every time I get within ten feet of a public official I always feel compelled to stab somebody with my pen. Once, I was at a press conference with our beloved Country Club Kay and I couldn't stop muttering the word "cocksucker" under my breath. Anyway, it was about that time that I knew I had to get out of the reporting game, that and I thought I had knocked-up an intern. Anyway, good for Badda Blog!, it's good to for a blogger to get out of the house and listen to the lies of public officials in person.

Note: I'm thinking of replacing myself with a "blogger bot" that will automatically write something like this everyday: "Did you read about fucknut [insert elected official's name HERE]? Boy, that guy is a fucknut. Asshole, rug munching, fruity ass. [place photo of half naked white woman HERE]

Saturday at The City Market

Ben Folds is gay. And I mean that in a way that doesn't involve great fashion sense and a knack for color coordinating. In fact, he just plain sucks ass and deserves to be beaten worse than a homeless guy who had the nerve to pass out from the heat in the middle of traffic.

Contrastingly, Rufus Wainwright is a homosexual and (more importantly) a talented musician. Jason Harper from The Pitch scores an interview with the songwriter who will be performing at the River Market on Saturday along with the other douche I mentioned previously.

You gonna buy something buddy?

The Rainy Day Books controversy has finally come to a head with this article from The Pitch.

But in a change that has irked some, since June 1 Rainy Day has made the purchase of a visiting writer's latest title a condition of admission to all events.

Makes sense to me. Everybody in this town seems to be a Looky Lou. The same thing happens at the Crossroads, thousands of people gawking but nobody spending a dime on anything other than overpriced coffee. Foot traffic is great but it doesn't pay the bills for small businesses. However, I'm just as guilty. I often slow down to watch the wreckage off of 435, knowing that somewhere there is a widow or former girlfriend who needs comforting.

Ass

I have no problem with booty. Low rise jeans are great and back in '99 I was always first in line to judge a thong contest. I've always thought that a woman's ass is her most endearing feature. And since it's the view I get of most broads, I've come to admire almost all shapes and sizes.

However, I can't imagine anyone, not even gay guys, getting real excited about man ass. I've looked at gay publications, strictly for research purposes (they never tell you how to pluck your nose hair in GQ), and they seem to be all about the abs. Man ass is just nasty and this week it's on the cover of The Pitch along with an interesting story about nude art class models.

Most of the story revolves around the Penn Valley art classes and I remember hearing stories about the antics of the nude models when I used to attend that college. I've always believed that the professors kept a steady stream of burly Burt Reynolds looking guys on display in order to discourage pervs from showing up just to get a glimpse of the hot naked chicks who pose for money. Myself, I prefer the pop music of the eighties, flashing lights, a watered down orange juice spritzer and lots of hair spray when I see naked women. Nude artsy broads are overrated. If you've seen one set of back zits, you've seen them all.

I just want to celebrate

Chronic is a local blogger after my own heart, meaning that he's high all the time too. Anyway, he's the only one of you bastards that noticed I didn't post this morning.

Well, unlike most minorities, I'm not dead or in jail at a young age. I just overslept. I've been really tired lately, punching strippers and toddlers is just as fun as it looks but it's also really exhausting.

Fair Game

If you can't have sex with your sister this year, the next best alternative is to head on over to the Missouri State Fair. Organizers want to attract people from KC, and not just because you have a pretty mouth.

A key factor in the success of the Missouri State Fair is the traveling habits of Kansas Citians.

And fair officials know it, focusing much of their promotional efforts this year on the metropolitan area in the hope of persuading even more residents of Jackson, Clay, Cass and Platte counties to drive to Sedalia, where the fair starts Thursday.

There is nothing like a trip to rural Missouri to remind you that the people in Independence really aren't that bad. As a bonus, minority fairgoers will find it easy to score with loose country chicks if you can make it past bigoted townies and the racial profiling of highway smokies. Be sure to try the funnel cake and avoid being lynched when you're finished.

Starburst: You must be my lucky star

Starburst is a new feature on TKC. I think any of these definitions are accurate in portraying my aim. Oh yeah, fuck The Star.

• Affirmative inaction: Kansas City isn't keeping track of minority contracts. They're probably too busy making sure real estate developers are moving all the minorities out of town.


• Southwest High will stay closed. Students unlikely to notice the difference.


• Mammoth tusk won't get in the way of hauling your fat ass to work.


• Jew can always count on your friends. Oy vey! Enough with the hate already.


• Edwards campus get a new building to make it easier to pretend your going to college. Now you can talk to other returning students about your fear of being downsized.

Bypass KC Star registration - email: strip@pitch.com/password: hamloaf!

Blogger Backtalk: Hos in this area code

Local bloggers "whoop that trick" with a keyboard and a turn of a phrase:

• "In Defense of Hooters?" No, not a link to the "Race for the Cure" but a post regarding the overworked and underpaid single moms in orange shorts.


• "Driving up and down Main watching the hookers was a pleasant diversion, and I don't know about other cities but here in Kansas City the hookers had a hard time dealing with rejection." Death's Door pens an amazing bio and a few observations about local hookers.


• A persuasive post regarding local public transportation: "if this tree-hugger can't be bothered, how many people can?" Additionally, do you have any idea how hard it is to pick up a ho on the bus?


• She's no ho but Toast is back in KC and all is right with the world!


• Choke it down baby! This local blogger provides a few great links with info related to the many smog filled days ahead.

A note about long blogger posts

Bitch, I ain't got the time. You may be brilliant, you may have the cure for cancer or some insight that will find husbands for all the desperate bitches in Westport and make every lonely guy's penis bigger but if you can't express it in less than 500 words . . . nobody will read it.

This is the Internet bitches and attention spans are at a minimum. Show me some dancing monkeys, show me some anger, show me your tits but do not expect anybody to show interest for more than 2 minutes. Think of yourself as a sixty year old fucking: short and sweet.

Yes, there are a few bloggers out there that can entertain a crowd over the course of 1000 words but for the most part they have interesting lives, lots of writing talent and an ego the size of your mother's ass. For the most part, it's a good idea to be brief, leave them wanting more. Imagine that you've just fucked an ugly stranger, better to get out of the room quickly rather than wait for painful explanations.

I hope this note has helped you. I love reading blogs and I only want to encourage you as your reveal your failings to the world. A considerate blogger is a joy to read. Lastly, always remember that the relationship you're writing about now is undoubtedly going to fail, things will get better, your ass isn't that big, your penis couldn't possibly be that small, she's cheating on you, so is he, you're probably gay, you shouldn't be smoking that much dope, you are a compulsive gambler, your mom loves your other siblings more, nobody will treat you as good as your daddy, too much anxiety is wasted energy and venting is unproductive because it only helps you vent (try dealing with your feelings instead). Keep in mind all these helpful hints when bearing your soul and your readers will appreciate you for it. Or you could just post some awesome song lyrics.

Conflicted

The Chiefs aren't losing yet and the Royals will always hopelessly suck, but there is still a lot of action at KC's sports complex:

The questions come as Mike Smith, chairman of the Jackson County Sports Complex Authority, is seeking reappointment to the authority. On Monday, Smith said Gov. Matt Blunt’s office notified him last week that he had been appointed to a full five-year term.

But Blunt’s office refused to confirm the appointment Monday. . .

The controversy involving Smith, who has served on the authority since 2003, stems from his pursuit of a $398 million shopping and entertainment district in Lee’s Summit. At the same time, the sports authority has pursued a retail development at the Truman Sports Complex.

Smith’s pursuit of retailers and customers for the Lee’s Summit project could compete with the Truman Complex entertainment and retail district, some legislators said. The sports authority, however, recently placed that idea on hold.

The Lee’s Summit project at Missouri 291 south and U.S. 50 could include a minor-league baseball team and a new 4,000-seat baseball stadium. The team could compete with the Royals for the same customer base.

Smith, a Lee’s Summit insurance agent, insisted Monday that no conflict existed.

Personally, I automatically assume that everyone wearing a tie is out to rip me off. Look closely at any guy wearing a suit, there is no conflict of interest as long as everyone understands that he is only looking out for his interests. Education, nice clothes, and gullible public officials have always been essential for businessmen who can steal far more than the average low level thug could ever dream. Apparently, you don't need a ski mask to rob people blind, you just need a power tie.

Blogger Backtalk: Mr. Postman

These local bloggers deliver the goods come rain, shine or disgruntled Postal employees:

• An open letter to future corporate executives. JDoubleP pens an amazing message to our overlords. Much more effective and funny than a mail bomb.


• New digs and design for Ask a Pothead.


• DailyKC serves up the down low on Beth Low. The 39th District Rep is nearly hot enough for me to believe her lies.


• A local blogger who didn't read "The Population Bomb" falls for the latest "Peak Oil" scare.


• Dem blogger blames the Republicans for the high price of oil. Strangely, I've always thought the GOP tactic/policy of "Kick their ass and take their gas" was sound except for the horrible byproduct of troop casualties.


• Parrish reports on "Fire and Knives" the new local food magazine. For fatties that love adjectives.


• KC Kitty contemplates a cucumber. Insert your pussy joke (gently) over at her site.


• This local blogger may be the exception, but I've always believed that the worst thing about being on trial in the U.S. is that your fate is entrusted to someone not smart enough to get out of jury duty.


• Read this informative post from local blogger Rusty and then, for the love of God, forget you ever heard the name Fred Phelps.


• This local blogger explores KC's urban wilderness park. It's wild, empty and unused, kind of like the Eastside.

Lots of Big Dumb Fun OR A rare day outdoors

Awhile ago, I wrote a pretty decent article about the guys of The Big Dumb Fun Show. Since that time, they have been featured in The Pitch, they’ve rearranged the line-up, they’ve signed with an agent and they’ve found a new hangout. Meanwhile, I rarely leave my remote underground lair, where I happily live off Cheez-its and make fun of you puny humans.

Thankfully, the guys from the BDFS were very cool to me and mercifully decided not to beat the beat the crap out of me in their new 70's style zebra skin control booth at KC’s All Comedy Radio. Everything considered, it was a pretty good and rare day outdoors.



Like I mentioned earlier, KC’s All Comedy Radio was the location of the broadcast.



It’s a Spartan setting but while I was waiting, I could hear a fury of laughter bursting from the control room.



My favorite Latino comedian Pablo Francisco had everyone in stitches as he fired off one joke after another. Pablo is an awesome guy, who is amazingly friendly in person. Ironically, this isn’t a picture of him threatening to kick my ass, he’s striking a pose for a lowly local blogger. Seriously, this guy is every bit as cool, funny and amazing as he is on stage.

After a few minutes, Pablo rushed out with his posse and I’m left to fill the void with my stupid insights.



Here, Venkman contemplates the show’s timeline and tries not to look amazed that I actually kept my word and showed up this time.



Frank expertly works the broadcast booth and keeps the show on schedule.



Dave is the newest addition to the crew. Unfortunately, this pic is blurry but probably because the new guy is so quick with jokes and funny stripper references.



After my segment is done, Ben Woods from “Blah, Blah, Blah” shows up and talks about his band. Currently, they are BDFS band of the week and they have a bunch of upcoming shows scheduled around town.

To sum up, the progress of the BDFS is amazing. Their show is rapidly becoming a hit. It’s cool to get a front row seat to their progress. The great thing about these guys is that their success doesn’t inspire envy not only because they have worked so hard for every member of their audience but also because they are good guys.

¡Viva! Tony

Local blogger P. McB. makes some sense out of my insane ranting. His blog is entitled "An outsiders view from the inside" and the name is apropos. Sometimes it takes another perspective to inform you that you have a problem. Or at least that's what they tell me at all those interventions right before I walk out.

Around town: Shot through the heart

Violence over the weekend, in the early morning and on the streets might make you happy to make it to work in one piece . . . where only your co-workers are likely to kill you.

• Gun's don't kill people, triggers do. Murder number 71 in KC teaches a painful lesson in gun safety.


• Two killed in KCK as they apparently are playing catch up. Update: It may have been a rolling gun battle that ultimately left two women dead.


• Junk in the trunk: A local prowler is shot at a salvage yard.


• Kansas Highway money includes funds for a bunch of bad ideas. Science promised me a flying car but only gave me mutant goat clones.


• Another deadly accident on 71 gives you even more reason to forget about visiting east or South KC.

The other side of the coin

Over the weekend, local blogger Dan probably penned the best post of the year from any local blogger. Dan is an acquaintance of Jan Helder, a local lawyer who was charged with enticing a 14 year-old girl for sex. Turns out the girl was a law enforcement official and the case was thrown out of court. Dan writes eloquently about his compassion for the Helder, which is rare because so often both the media and politicians capitalize off the fear of sexual predators.

I guess my biggest problem with all this is that, in many ways, he's a kind, caring, decent human being. I have laughed with him, and drank beer with him - I can't hate him. He's not a monster. Yet, what he apparently was attempting to do was monstrous.

If you watched the news, you’d think that a sexual predator is some alien creature that lurks in the dead of night feeding off the chastity and innocence of frightened victims. The truth is so much scarier; a sexual predator is just a regular person with a bad problem, not so much different from any other person you might know.

Life in KC

Okay, had to come back real quick to link this definitive post regarding life in KC. Here's a taste:

I love life in Kansas City- under one condition. It’s essential that I leave several times a year.

I've never been a fan of podcasting but if I knew how to do it, I'd totally put a link to "We've gotta get out of this place right here.

Enough hatred, anger and mockery for one week

I’m taking off early this week folks. KC has wore me out this week. However, be sure to come back on Monday because if I’m not killed in a bizarre train wreck, by binge drinking or by one of my many ninja enemies I’ll have these things waiting for you:

• Great photos of my Big Dumb Fun Show visit
• A couple of pics of an up-and-coming local band
• More hatred for The Star
• More spelling mistakes
• More stolen pictures of booty
• And a huge steaming pile of sarcasm.

Thanks for reading everybody. Have a fun and safe weekend.

Blogger Backtalk: House Warming

Check out these local bloggers and their new digs:

• Mr. Skinny is a good looking kid with a good looking blog.


• The Digital Doorway is redesigned and waiting for you to enter. Good looking page!

Chinga tu Madre KC Star!

Of course I’m pleased that The Star is reporting on issues that affect local Latinos. However, if I ever see any of their clever ass headline writers out on the street I’m gonna dish out an old school Chicano beatdown.

Today the Star reports on the new Roland Park Price Chopper and the effort to cater to Hispanics. While I don’t see the big deal, there are some people happy with the corporate recognition of a rapidly growing consumer market. Still, there have been Mexicans shopping in that area for years. That’s why a few people with Latino envy often refer to the place as “El Choppo.”

At any rate, The Star trumpets this move to capitalize on Latino dollars with a really stupid, condescending and obnoxious headline:

¡Viva! new Price Chopper

This is the latest example of the business community recognizing the growing numbers and spending power of the Hispanic community. Nearly 90,000 Hispanics lived in the metropolitan area in 2000, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, and many grocery stores have added ethnic food items to cater to the market

At 73,000 square feet, the new Roeland Park store at 4950 Roe Ave. is about 15,000 square feet larger than the old location next door. It boasts wide aisles, large vestibules to better control temperatures, high ceilings with skylights, and garage doors that open in nice weather to create a farmers’ market atmosphere.

Yes, things are changing and I have a headline I’d like to share with the staff of The Star in regard to the changes that lie ahead in the media game:

Fuck you. Fuck you KC Star.

Fuck you and your lily white editorial board. Fuck you and the couple of token Latino employees on staff. Fuck you Lewis Diuguid and Steve Penn for letting this kind of stuff slide when you are all to quick to point out the slightest of racial insensitivity when it comes to Black people. But most of all, Fuck you KC Star and that glass house you are building. I can only celebrate as your demographic continues to die off and corporate control of information withers away. High speed bandwidth and RSS feeds are more rapidly distributing news as your empire crumbles. I’ve seen pagers that carry more headlines than the morning paper. It won’t be too soon till you’re gone, just like the acres of forests you’ve cut down in order to distribute your rag. Hide behind your registration system for now, the era of the professional journalist is coming to an end.

Still don’t understand why I’m pissed? Think about it. Do you think Black people would stand for this headline:

Right on, Brotha! Locals get on down to Atlanta to commemorate the Voting Rights Act.

Or how about:

Me so sorry! Asian students lose out thanks to affirmative action.

The Star would not dare run these kinds of headlines but when Latinos are under discussion it’s okay for this city’s local rag to put on a Spanish accent while belting out gritos at the top of their lungs. Sadly, not even Mexican American Veterans are spared from this bigoted treatment.

I’m glad the staffers at the KC Star are brushing up on their Spanish. I can only hope that learning the language will one day lead to a respect for the culture and the people who speak it.

Leak

It’s been awhile since I’ve been drunk but I remember how great it feels to take a leak after a night of heavy drinking. More specifically, it feels wonderful to take a leak after drinking all night, punching a few frat guys, making out with your best friend’s wife, doing a line of coke off a strange Asian girl’s ass, stealing a car, stealing a new flat screen TV, stealing a garden gnome, throwing a burning trash can into a crowd, spitting on a reporter from The Star, break dancing and making it home after evading a police helicopter.

Well I imagine the only thing that feels better than that leak is taking the city for a cool quarter of a million bucks after they failed to fix one of their leaks.

The City Council on Thursday approved a $224,000 settlement in a lawsuit filed by Ronda Reyes, who slipped and fell Feb. 24, 2003, on a large patch of ice in front of her house in the 3000 block of Belleview Avenue. She broke her left leg and had to have three surgeries and extensive physical therapy.

The money will come from water department revenues. The settlement included $104,000 for Reyes’ medical expenses and lost wages, plus money for pain, suffering and disability.

Reyes’ attorney, Laurie Del Percio, said a water main at the top of Reyes’ street had a chronic leak. Water would flow downhill and create a sheet of ice, she said. Del Percio said the leak was first reported in March 2002, but it was never properly fixed.

The pipe still wasn’t fixed by December 2003, months after Reyes’ fall, she said.

Yep, a good leak is a reward unto itself. But a payoff from a city with crumbling infrastructure and piss poor public services is fucking sweet. I bet with the nice chunk of change in her pocket, the poor lady could move to a place that takes care of its citizens . . . someplace like Johnson County. However, I'm sure that somebody with a Spanish surname moving into the golden ghetto is bound to make a few neighbors pissed.

Ass

Two donkeys have recently been allowed to stay with all the other jackasses in Johnson County.

Grace and Faith — a mother-daughter pair of Sicilian burros owned by Frank and Susan Pacinelli of the Stilwell community in Johnson County — are free to roam their two-acre pasture without being banished from the Oakmont Estates subdivision.

Just about everyone in the neighborhood, it seems, loves the animals, who spend their days eating oats and grazing at 16139 Kranker Drive.

Great, two more Italian jackasses who sit around and eat all day while thinking they're better than me. Reminds me of high school.

Blogger Backtalk: Good and bad vibrations

Local bloggers meet with success and dissappointment but keep on posting:

• Local blogger’s mom makes good . . . this link is about journalism and not S’mores.


• Don’t listen to the voices in your head but do read this awesome post at Death’s Door.


• Check out this local blogger’s take on Bob Novak losing it on camera.


• Is this the case of another blogger with a bad attitude or just a stupid ass boss? Whatever your judgment, local blogger Faith files a great post regarding her last days at work.


• Godzilla meets God by Bonnie


• Dating makes this local blogger exhausted. May I suggest kneepads and KY Jelly?


• Post Human Blues notes that Americans are not able to comprehend the fallout from Hiroshima.

Shakedown

I don't know which is worse: professional athletes pillaging and plundering though local bars or the slimy extortion tactics used by executives of local sports teams. Confronting a professional athlete might leave you toothless and in pain but the team's financial representatives will definitely swipe your wallet faster than a Mexican in need of rent money.

The Chiefs and the Royals are showing some impatience with Jackson County and Missouri, KMBC's Michael Mahoney reported Wednesday.

Up until now, lease talks between the teams and county and state have been courteous. But with the county and the sports authority asking for another deadline extension to make repairs to the stadiums, Royals owner David Glass told a Kansas City newspaper, "If you continue to defer, you don't get anything done you need to get done. . . Last Saturday, Chiefs General Manager Carl Peterson complained about the inaction of Missouri state government with the new training facilities the state of Wisconsin paid for."

Let them go. Let them run to Johnson County with the rest of the money grubbing, soulless flock. The days of jocks shaking down people for cash should have ended with Columbine.

Kansas City is a great town without the sports teams. Look in the stands or at all those dumbasses hanging out in a parking lot "tailgating." Those are JoCo folks fresh off the highway and they scurry back to their hinterlands as soon as the game is over. It just doesn't make sense for taxpayers of KC to grab their ankles for sports teams anymore. A study from the CATO Institute reveals that, "The lone beneficiaries of sports subsidies are team owners and players."

KC simply doesn't need the Chiefs for the Royals. This city is awesome because of its people and not the professional pay check collectors that fly in to collect their fee and disappoint fans every year. The same twisted logic that gives real estate developers every tax break in the books is also behind the effort to mindlessly cater to sports franchises. While it's clear that KC needs every penny for infrastructure and public services, this town's leaders are too busy playing games with vanity projects to understand the needs of the unglamorous, unwashed masses of KC.

Two Scoops

It seems like eating fast food is akin to playing the lottery. Not only is fast food tasty, but you never know what kind of surprise your meal will include. A local lady recently found a few rat droppings in her meal. Ironically, the poop probably contains more protein than the rest of their soybean based fare.

She looked inside the box at her cinnamon roll and noticed several small dark pieces.

Immediately she could tell they weren't raisins.

Valerie's co-workers saw it too and one of them took photos of the roll.

Cherry said, "I am just mortified. I feel awful eating something like that."
She says a manager from McDonald's came down to her place of work and looked at it too.

He said he was sorry and offered Valerie a coupon for a free meal.

The lady turned down the free meal. Spoil sport. Obviously, McDonald's is the shit.

Feeling hot, hot, hot

I've never been sure if tanning rots your brain or if stupid women are the only people who tan. I don't understand the benefit of getting into a radioactive tube in order to half cook yourself. And why would white people want brown skin? They spend most of their time making sure nobody born with that complexion lives in a 10 mile radius.

Anyway, the recent story of a pale Johnson County woman suspected of a tanning salon robbery spree is nearly enough to debunk any myths regarding racial superiority.

The suspect was calm and grabbed the money from the drawer. Then she took off in a BMW and headed to the Tan World in Olathe, where police said she took out a knife and tried the same thing . . . In that robbery, she used a knife and apologized for robbing the place, even leaving ten dollars behind as a goodwill gesture.

To me, that's the most interesting part of the story. She robs a tanning salon in a luxury car but leaves a nice tip. I wouldn't even know how to calculate the gratuity on a small robbery at knifepoint.

In the end, I guess you'd have to feel sorry for the desperate JoCo lady. If she needed money that bad, she would have done well to try prostitution. I have a feeling she'd be quite a handful in the bedroom.

The Blues

John Lee Hooker, Jr. will headline the upcoming KC Music, Blues and Jazz festival, Sept. 3-4 at the Woodlands Horse Track in Kansas City, KS.

Much like his father, John Lee Jr. has a storied past. This passage was taken from a press release touting his appearance in KC:

Unfortunately, while living the "life of a blues man" he succumbed to the demons that surround it, derailing his musical career for the next 25 years. Drugs, alcohol, divorce, incarceration, and death may have brought his once promising career to a screeching halt. But it was living the blues and his faith that returned Hooker Jr. to the limelight. With the support of his family and friends, and a crew of talented musicians who never ceased to believe in him, Hooker Jr. finally found his own inner muse making music that expresses the depth of emotion he has experienced in his personal life.

You know, blues men are lucky. It's the only profession where a lifetime of reckless good times is a requirement. Sadly, I can't sing or play the guitar otherwise "Punching a stripper over $5" (my one and only original composition) would have been on the charts a long time ago.

What it isn't good for

A Royals manager loses a nephew as the Royals lose yet another game and the U.S. loses 14 Marines.

Cheering for the home team is great, supporting the troops is a must but all of these losses are adding up. However, unlike a baseball game, the loss of life faced by the soldiers and their families is an ongoing tragedy that can't be ignored . . . no matter what the Bush family thinks.

You're the best around

Listen to the world's best podcast, courtesy of KC Soil. Additionally, when Joe isn't burning up the airwaves, he'll soon be helping the kids of KC start arguments all over the town . . . in a good way.

Taxing

There is a movement in the Kansas Legislature to tax "immoral" businesses. So I guess, HMO's, the oil industry, insurance companies, weapons manufacturers, tobacco and liquor companies and political lobbying concerns may face higher rates. No? Oh, I guess they just want to control what people do with their genitals. Gotcha.

Bridgework

Work on the Paseo Bridge is ahead of schedule. So now you’ll have a nice view when you decide to take a leap into the great beyond after a night of binge gambling at the Isle of Capri.

Frankly, this doesn’t make much of a difference to me. There are just way too many Italian people up north for me to venture up that way. It’s like that damn bridge connects all the way to Brooklyn.

Note to self: When they finally open that bridge, be sure to grab a cigar and put “Woke Up this Morning” into the CD player while crossing. Note to self Part II: Don’t let any Italian people catch you doing this or they’ll beat you faster than you can say Bensonhurst.

Grandmas Gone Wild

Forget about local gangster rappers killing each other. I'm pretty sure that KC is home to the toughest, meanest grandmothers in the country.

Her name is Grandma Fannie Taylor. . . She was supposed to be caring for her four grandchildren in a house near 50th and Euclid. Instead, they say she tried to stab her granddaughter for wanting to go school. "I believe there was argument and the grandmother was intoxicated on vodka and she was wielding a knife," said Werner. But there's more. They say she also burned her 12-year old grandson with a lighter and whipped him with an extension cord.

This is awful . . . but what determines if a local mean-ass grandma is a Crip or a Blood. Is a grammy with a bad hip automatically a Crip? Does Nana with bad sugar have to be a Blood because of constant diabetes testing? Whatever the case, KC's grandma's are hardcore hellraisers. And don't you forget it, you young whippersnapper!

Ice, Ice Baby

Matt Blunt cares about you. He doesn't want anything to happen to your precious ass:

After concerns about a possible hoax were put to rest, Gov. Matt Blunt on Tuesday urged Missourians to put emergency contact information into their cell phones.

The initiative, called In-Case-of-Emergency, or ICE, is aimed at giving emergency workers a better way to contact families of accident victims by searching for an "ICE" entry in the contact lists of victims' phones. The ICE entry would show the name and phone number of a close relative or spouse.

I have a better idea, when your Medicaid runs out, call Matt Blunt. He should also give us his phone number so when we're trying to find a nearby DMV, he can give us directions. Finally, I'd also like to make some late night calls to his wife, but that's for another post.

Happy Holidays

The Sales Tax Holiday is this weekend. The holiday is intended to give local families a break as the “back to school” buying season approaches. However, I have some more ideas for discounts and freebies that will not only bolster the economy but also help out working stiffs:

• 25% off on strippers and escorts – Help Missouri’s single mothers help themselves to the cash of very lonely men.


• Every blind person gets a midget.


• Annulment Day – Making it easier for Catholics to move on the next mistake.


• Free drinks at Weight Watchers – Big girls need love too.


• Down Low Day – Your man is not sensitive, he’s gay. Down Low Day one day of the year he shouldn’t have to hide it.


• Slap a JoCo Housewife Day – They’ve been asking for it for a long time and most of them need it, want it and have been longing for it. I don’t know how it will stimulate the economy but it sure will make me feel better.


• Buy one get one free Astro-glide Day – Believe me, your next boyfriend won’t want to use a half-empty bottle.


• ½ off on your second trip to the emergency room in less than month. This discount will not only help out victims of spousal abuse but also may help local gangsters save up for new rims following a weekend of combat.

The X Factor

Later this Fall, when the Chiefs have just finished their disappointing season with a number of heartbreaking losses, some people will wonder why this franchise has almost always been mediocre. This week’s “Night Ranger” column provides the answer. You see, people who care, love, respect what they do don’t take breaks on Monday night. For instance, even the Night Ranger herself stops shaking her booty and drowning her sorrows in cheap vodka long enough to catch one of the most over-rated football players in the NFL drinking it up in a KC bar on a weekday evening. Pitch Columnist Jen Chen recently ran into Dante Hall doing what he does best, stalking groupies. At first, the notorious publicity hound was a little shy but he soon warmed up as if someone spiked his liquor with Gatorade.

Afterward, we went in search of another D -- Mr. Hall, whom we heard was on the premises.

He was standing by the back bar, surrounded by women and drinking Grand Marnier on the rocks. We kept an eye on him, and when the women dispersed a bit, we made our way up to him. Sadly, he was not dressed as a wood sprite; instead, he was wearing a black hat and sunglasses. A pearl necklace (fake beads were strewn on the tables) hung around his neck. (Insert your own pearl necklace joke here.)

Here’s a nasty pearl necklace joke for you: Chiefs fans probably wish Hall was as consistent in delivering yardage as he is reliable in distributing pearl necklaces to this town’s blonde groupies.

Football players (or anybody else) who cares about what they do won’t be found hanging out in a bar on Monday night.

But poor Dante, doesn’t he deserve a break? No, when you get millions of dollars for shitty yardage during the competitive part of the season and then start successfully returning punts and kickoffs after the team is already out of it . . . No, you shouldn’t expect much consideration.

Sure, this small TV market, inept (tax hungry) management and general malaise are also contributing factors to the Chiefs mediocrity. But there is nothing worse than seeing a player on a losing team party like a champ. Win some games, learn to read defenses better and then get a drink Dante. Until then, you may have earned those millions in salary and endorsements but you don’t deserve a celebration.

Fear of a Tall Hat

Mark Stinson is an amazing KC comic artist and he is currently offering a sneak peak of his latest project. Check it out while your girlfriend/boss/mom isn't looking.

I don’t know what the Hell you want from me

Okay, using the old (Drudge) style it took me about an hour to find the same 15 links that I put up today but using the blogger style it took way longer. I’m probably gonna change this fucker again but first I’d like to ignore your advice. If I stay with Blogger, posts and links will probably be a lot less frequent in the future but there will be more ill-informed and irreverent commentary that your local media isn’t providing. If I move back to Drudge-style link format I may or may not find time to put up extended posts.

I normally don’t offer much reader participation so here’s your chance. Vote!

Love Thy Neighbor till their spouse gets home

I have to get outside today and mow my lawn because it turns out that I have to worry about my pain in the ass neighbors AND neighborhood association reporting my somewhat unkempt front yard:

Organized neighborhood associations no longer have to throw in the towel when it comes to cleaning up certain problem properties. Legislation signed by the governor July 7 extends the right to file nuisance actions against property owners to neighborhood organizations in Kansas City, St. Louis and Springfield, Mo.

Before under the tradition of Common Law, Missouri courts had stuck to the requirement that anyone filing a nuisance suit against another property had to be a property owner himself.

In the past, the anti-nuisance laws have proved useful in Kansas City.

Certainly anti-nuisance laws have been very useful in getting poor people and minorities out of the city and out of the way of real estate developers. And after all, those wretched poor and/or brown people are quite a nuisance.

Wade in the Water

Hopefully, some of the millions of dollars approved for KC's Water and Sewer system will be used to get rid of the rats hanging out in this town's pipes.

City Manager Wayne A. Cauthen has authorized approximately $50,000 for addressing issues regarding rodents in the sewers and other City water lines, and to purchase rodent control measures.

This is a step in the right direction. I wonder how many boxes of d-CON a few million bucks will buy? However, maybe the rats in the water aren't a bad thing after all. I feel like I've been getting more protein in my diet and it certainly isn't coming from all the potato chips I've been scarfing down.

We are fucking terrified

Of a small razor blade. Turns out a plane had to head back to KCI from Cleveland because of a small sharp object. Strangely, most residents don't have to fear a terrorist attack because the destruction of either one of these cities would only mean that terrorists are helping us fight this nation's obesity problem.

Big Plans

Construction is underway for a new community center in Swope Park:

The Kansas City Parks and Recreation Department announced Tuesday it plans to build a new 45 thousand square foot community center in Swope Park. It will be built at 63rd and Jackson, northwest of the starlight theater. Planners say the center will have a collegiate size basketball court, sauna, steam rooms, a senior center and much more. Construction on the new community center will start at the first of the year. It's expected to open in June 2007.

Sounds like an impressive list of facilities that almost everyone in this city will be too scared to use.

Stick Up

Somebody robbed a hotel by the stadiums this morning, while the main occupants of the stadiums have been robbing this town for years.

In OOOOlathe

I don't believe in reincarnation but if it turns out to be true I think I'd like to come back as a white suburban kid. Not only because I'd have much more of an opportunity to have sex with white women but also because of the vandalism spree that seems to be a right of passage for so many suburban teens. The City of Olathe seems to be the biggest victim of the lastest round of suburban teen angst:

Police have seen worse damage, but it has been a long while since they've seen anything so widespread. Overnight, someone armed with blue and orange spray paint, went to work on mailboxes, sidewalks, road signs, and worst of all, Heritage Elementary School. In each case, the letters "F T P", or the phrase, "@*#$ the pigs" was painted. Sgt. Mike Butaud of the Olathe Police toured the damage. "It just seems like, possibly some juveniles were out, and thought it would be funny, but obviously it's not. It ends up being quite a bit of damage.

I'm officially impressed, not only do suburban kids get a better education than most but they're already getting a grasp of pop culture at such a young age. An NWA reference in middle school? Impressive if not a little misguided. After all, it is the suburban cops that protect those little snot-nosed kids from any brown people that might be roaming through the neighborhood.

Fight the power

“Reverse Discrimination” is such a stupid concept. Let’s just call it “payback.” Seriously, until I steal your land, rape your wife, destroy your culture, language and religion I don’t ever want to hear how white people are oppressed. And as it turns out, white people are pretty good at doing those things to themselves which you may have noticed if you’ve followed the career of Paris Hilton.
Anyway, a local lady managed to win a nice cash settlement from a jury so ignorant that they’re probably graduates of the KC School District.

After a weeklong trial, jurors awarded the 51-year-old educator $311,600 in compensatory damages, deciding that race was a factor when Gorker’s vice principal contract at Paul Robeson Middle School was not renewed after the 2002-2003 school year.

However, the details of her case don’t seem to back up her claims. I mean, it’s not like they slapped her with their big, black intimidating penises.

In her petition, filed in January 2004, Gorker described a “hostile work environment” and the “disparate treatment” she received by the supervising principal at Robeson — a school that has since been closed.

Gorker complained that the principal, who was black, denied purchase requests that were granted to other administrators. She said she was assigned unpleasant duties, that she was not supported by the school during disputes with parents and that her requests for assistance over school walkie-talkies were ridiculed and chastised.

Now there’s an important lesson for the kids to learn. If you don’t like the way people are treating you, and you think a jury will buy your complaints . . . hire a lawyer and sue. Seriously children, learning how to hustle the legal system is about the only way the KC School District will prepare you for the future.

Giving you the business

Turner Construction Co. will build the $9.7 million dollar museum under Liberty Memorial that you’ll never visit.

Midtown Murder

A beloved homeless man was recently killed in Roanoke Park. Well, maybe “beloved” is too much; after all, he was still homeless.

Chat

A judge's ruling could make it illegal for authorities to conduct online sex predator stings. However, odds are that beautiful Swedish model you've been chatting with is still a dude.

These pipes are clean!

Less than 20,000 people tell the other million what to do. KC Water and Sewer bonds passed, has anybody ever thought about promoting democracy in this country?

Blogger Backtalk Part Deux: Please show me where to sell out

Local bloggers are roaming about town, waiting to make fun of you:

• Democrats have morals, but so do most losers. For a change it would be nice to be heartless and cold and at least be on the winning side.


• This local blogger does genetic research at the DMV. The results are almost scary enough to make you want to stop driving. But not quite.


• Why don't more people lament the Liz Phair's gigantic geriatric sellout. This blogger finds a money quote.


• More hooters and hairspray in Westport. This town is losing its personality faster than thirty-something single mom looking for a new daddy for her kid.

Blogger Backtalk: Every Rose has its thorn

The FDM team take Steve Rose to task on a few of his "reckless assumptions" regarding the conservative make-up of Johnson County.

But since he is Mr. Stephen Rose of Sun Publications, who has been a pillar of our community for decades, knows everything about his beloved county, he doesn’t need to his waste time and actually investigate the facts.

With a series of statistics, FDM point out that JoCo actually does lean pretty far right . . . of Joe McCarthy. Seriously, the only thing moderate about the people of Johnson County is the way they tip their servers.

Turn the beat around

I try not to think of women as whores, they've just been "recycled" several times. For the most part, recycling is a good thing. There is no such thing as trash, you're now supposed to call them "people from Independence, MO." So help save the planet and turn your underwear inside out and wear it again, don't feel so bad about eating from the trash and find a way to recycle your computer after it becomes too sticky to use from years of surfing Internet porn.

Watersports

Would you give me money if:

• I didn't tell you how it was going to be spent?
• I might soon require even more money in addition to the cash you just gave me?
• I haven't told you how I've spent the money you've been giving me?

Unless you're one of my relatives, I don't think so. Or, if you did pony up the cash I bet there would probably be some pretty degrading things I'd have to do for it, the least of which probably involves baby oil and fresh produce. Anyway, proponents of water and sewer bonds are asking for taxpayer cash and have failed to offer even the slightest of sexual favors. At the very least, they could have presented a few wet t-shirt pics of the PR princesses that have been promoting the initiative.

The vote is today but before you get all wet with notions of KC boosterism, you might wanna ask somebody whether or not the money will just go down the drain.

White people are pervs

The people of Overland Park have their panties in a bunch over a heavyset, middle aged man proudly displaying his pretty new lace panties.

The guy hasn't exposed himself but has simply shown off his undergarments, much like many teenage girls do at Oak Park Mall every weekend. Frankly, I've always assumed that most suburban white guys are packing panties underneath their Gap clothed exterior. Additionally, suburban men wearing panties is probably liberating considering that most JoCo housewives wear the pants in the household.

Another futile attempt to explain why Black people kill each other

The local media haven’t done a decent job in follow up but recently The Pitch published a definitive rundown of the murder laden Kansas City rap scene.

Chiefly, the exhaustive article detailed the rise and fall of recently murdered KC rapper Fat Tone.

And now I’m at a crossroads. I could have linked this article a few days ago with a few bad jokes and maybe a quote or two BUT it just isn’t worth it. Writer Kendrick Blackwood does a commendable job in documenting the facts surrounding Tone’s death but in the end he perpetuates the same idiocy that motivates KC criminals chasing a career in the rap game. The tagline reads: “Weren’t you listening?” but the article reads like the text of an especially hyperbolic episode of E! True Hollywood Story.

“The success of both Rich (the Factor) and Tone went gun and holster with their reputations as legitimate gangsters,” Blackwood writes.

This is clearly incorrect because both of these guys were obviously more successful as thugs than performers. KC gangster rap/underground rap is not a sub-genre or an alternative variety of music it is simply a name for wannabe performers that have failed to find a significant audience. Put simply, even the most successful “underground” act is making peanuts compared with a run of the mill mainstream performer. I’m not an expert when it comes to rap music but I do know a little bit about capitalism and the latter is far more cut throat and cruel than any rapper could ever comprehend.

Rap, like all art or (for that matter) any endeavor is nothing more than a business. Blackwood gushes over a few CD racks and a poster at 7th Heaven featuring local thug/rapper Rich the Factor but in terms of the worldwide distribution, an audience of billions and heavy rotation on corporate owned airwaves all over the country garnered by someone like 50 Cent the so-called King of KC rap is simply small potatoes.

The KC “gangsta” rap scene, as far as rappers like Fat Tone and Rich the Factor are concerned, is nothing more than a pastime for local criminals. This fact in and of itself is nothing to lose sleep over. However, Blackwood seems to almost subconsciously celebrate the entrepreneurial spirit of local gangster rappers and those who peddle their music. “Tone may have been on the verge of something great,” Blackwood writes. And then again maybe not, the article notes that there were at least 108 KC rappers to put out CDs last year and none of them, NONE OF THEM, registered anything more than a blip on the radar of mainstream (read: lucrative) audiences.

Nevertheless, Blackwood chronicles the antics that led to the murder of Fat Tone with the investigative skill reminiscent of Bob Woodward but in the end he misses the point when he slams The Star for not taking notice of the possible connection between gang related killings and the KC rap scene. Categorizing local law breaking thugs as rappers rather than just criminals may be more informative and entertaining for readers but it not only denigrates the commercially successful mainstream rap that this entire nation has come to love but also elevates local scumbag wannabes to something more than just hobbyists.

Year after year bright minds west of Troost try to figure out why all so many of the black people in town spend the summer killing each other and so far nobody has come up with any answers or solutions. Poverty, drugs, guns, and most recently (and stupidly) “the lack of civility” have all been named as root causes of violence in this town. Meanwhile, KC gangster rap may be the soundtrack to the death march that’s going on in this town but it’s not the reason. The details of this Pitch profile are captivating but also seem to be a little prurient in their zeal. The death of Fat Tone and the carnage that surrounds KC gangster rap is not an unexplained phenomenon that plagues this town but rather it’s merely a symptom of the violent behavior that emanates from this city’s east side and just might make this a record setting year for murders in KC.

Manic Monday

Here is a short list of things you can do today that will assure that you'll be horribly disappointed by the end of this Fall:

• Get married
• Get engaged
• Buy a home
• Meet someone through an online dating service
• Meet someone at a club/bar
• Meet someone through a friend
• Buy a new car
• Get in touch with a long lost friend
• Start an exercise program
• Buy Chiefs tickets, on sale today. Nothing short of saying "I do" will disappoint you as much as our favorite local losers.

Playing the percentages

Scumbags who molest children deserve every ounce of ass rape and dirty shank stabbings that the American prison system has to offer. Having stated that, the percentages put up by an Olathe perv are kind of impressive in a very sick way:

An Olathe man who prosecutors have charged with enticing a minor to engage in sex may have met up to 100 young girls, and had sex with ten of them.

Okay, you go to America's Pub and maybe talk to about a dozen or so skanks. If you've got the kind of mack that this nasty perv has, that means you're doing the "no-pants" dance with at least one of those tramps. Certainly, that's a lot of divorce stories and single mom bitterness to endure but nobody said dating was easy.

However, those numbers never work out the same in a practical application. On most nights, a Westport beaver hunter will talk with a few women and probably get shot down every time. Luckily, most of the women who reject him will have the clap. Life is give and take like that.