Happy New Year

This is my last post of 2005. Thank you so much for reading and the few people who were goodly or pissed off enough to comment. As always I want you to have a fun and safe time tonight. Here's the number to Holiday Cab. If you get drunk and don't have a ride, please use it. I'd like to have you around next year to ridicule.

All the best to you and yours in the New Year. God Bless.

Will Black people in Kansas City stop killing each other next year?

Instead of doing one of those year end lists, I'd like to pose this question to anybody who is willing to answer it.

Will Black people in Kansas City stop killing each other next year?

Mind you, this question hasn't been asked by many local media people, local politicians or city officials. The fact that this city's shameful murder rate is mostly Black has been only briefly acknowledged and then explained away.

This year the murder rate has been blamed on a lack of civility, lack of respect, availability of fire arms, rap music and every other kind of vice that is similarly available in other communities where the murder rate isn't nearly as high.

Throughout the year, there have been prayer vigils, candlelight vigils, press conferences and a pointless crime commission that hasn't made one declarative statement as the body count continues to increase.

Jackson County Prosecutor Mike Sanders wants to lock all of the Black people up before they can kill each other but even that isn't really a new idea considering that our prisons are already filled to the brim with Black people. What he has come up with is a brand new shiny, happy PR campaign that proclaims: "The silence is killing us." Yet the tagline refers to encouraging snitching and making sellouts and rats out of people in high crime areas. It's a good plan but honestly, I don't think anybody really expects a few poorly produced ads to do much good.

Ironically, local loudmouth Alonzo Washington came up with the only slogan even close to speaking to the Black Community (I guess) in the vernacular that was appropriate to counter the anti-snitching phenomenon profiled in The Pitch. "Snitch to get rich" was actually pretty clever for being the only effort to honestly deal with local violence from within the Black community.

As the year came to a close PBS poster boy Nick Haines asked if this problem even effects the non-Black people in this city. It's a mean question but if you were to receive an honest answer from most people they would say: No it doesn't really matter how many Black people kill each other as long as they only kill each other.

In fact, the issue is so easily skirted that both Country Club Kay and KCPD Chief Tom Corwin have managed to duck the issue that by all rights should rest on their shoulders. Kay passed the buck on to Alvin Brooks and Corwin stupidly blamed bad schools. For the most part, they got away with these answers.

So the question remains. It's a question (based in generalities/stereotypes but also stats) that only a crackpot, jokey, blog author could get away with asking but I think it's important if only because it's an honest query that nearly everyone in this town seems to overlook because of the frightening implications and insensitive nature.

Suburban cops get a clue

There has recently been a reported break in the string of home invasions in Merriam. Hopefully, this case will soon be solved and the good people of that suburb can get back to robbing KCMO by commuting and rooting for the Chiefs in peace.

Update: They have made an arrest in the case. However, you're still advised to be very afraid of Black people.

Starburst: What you don't know might rob you

- Home invasions in Merriam use garage doors. The Star gives tips to prevent robbery but won't provide a description of the suspects. For the moment, just blame Mexicans to ease your mind.

- Homer's Coffee House holding a holiday benefit for KC's homeless. Can I call it that when I throw my coffee at the homeless bastards in my way? Hope so.

- Missouri farmers get a tax break. Apparently, white people who live on dirt are much more honorable than minorities who are as poor as dirt.

- The Star reports that a second Wyandotte County parent has filed a federal civil rights lawsuit after her child allegedly was told not to speak Spanish in school. Mexicans overcrowd legal system just like their houses, cars and this country.

- Jackson County to spend $950,000 on animal programs. No word on plans to neuter Katheryn Shields since that bitch is obviously in heat to spend county money.

KC Star Registration sucks and you should complain about it.

The President Hotel

Like most Presidents this hotel wasted a lot of time, money and toil on a project that won't likely benefit you in the least.

Move On

Move Up, the most worthless political group in the city, wants you to refrain from firing weapons into the air as the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve.

And frankly, that seems like an effort to take the fun out of the holiday. I mean you might as well ban unprotected sex or trusting random strangers. This ritual is a time honored KC tradition in which poor, stupid and irresponsible people of all races, religions and backgrounds are united in putting their lives (and their neighbors) in jeopardy.

Really, this is just yet another stupid press conference by this group that accomplishes little but securing funding and keeping their name in the local media. Very rarely is somebody killed by the New Year's Eve celebratory gunfire; more often somebody dies in this town when a few local thugs get bored.

The fact that they would tie this tradition of dumbass New Year's Eve shooting into the air with the (mostly Black) murder rate is a clear indication of how out of touch they have become not only with their own community but also with reality in general. (And the fact that the local media didn't press them on this QUESTIONABLE connection, is even more proof that this town's MSM is comprised of nothing more than spokesmodels that "either don't know, don't show or don't care what's going on in the hood." Haha! That's a line from Boyz in the Hood, the worst movie to ever inspire widespread gang violence and cause me to waste the years of 18-22 in my life.)

See kids, inhaling too much candle wax leads to holding meaningless press conferences. The more you know . . .

The Star wants the truth revealed

The Star is still after the names of lawyers who lent money to former Kansas City Municipal Court Judge Deborah Neal.

Actually, this list is the most coveted thing in the city because you can connect the dots between local lawyers, politicos and city officials until nearly everybody involved in city politics looks dirty.

While the rest of us just assume as much.

I've got a little list or Baby Blunt gets his wishes

Here is a list of 14 things accomplished by the Missouri Department of Natural Resources at the request of this state's favorite spoiled brat. Washing his car and ass isn't on the list because it's mandatory for all State Employees and not a special request.

Backwoods Bad Boys

Recently, a southeast Missouri teenager was shot to death by a hit man paid in cash and crack cocaine to kill the teen. Sadly, like every other kind of national trend, gangsta violence and crack killings finally hit the rural areas of this state long after the popularity of these activities wanes in more trendy areas. I'll guarantee that somebody involved in this story was sporting a high top fade.

Blogger Backtalk: Local bloggers put on a tease

- "Men look at manly things, women look at chick stuff." Pervs and malcontents look at TKC, and I love you for it.

- "you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but she'll still be a whore" Another fantastic installment of "sweatin the small stuff" from local blog Death's Door.

- "Burn Ass, not Gas" This haiku from The Superficial Plaza Chick is not nearly as dirty as I thought it would be, but still funny.

- "Choking Chickens and Pulling Hoses" Again, local bloggers are teases because this post is actually about what might be the new location of Stroud's.

- The last of the end of the year lists from a local blogger. Sirvinegar caps off the year with his thoughts about some pretty great movies.

- A great post from this newbie local blogger pondering the consequences of a local drunk driving accident.

Giving you the business: Are there no workhouses?

- Attorney General Jay Nixon's office collected a record amount of worker's comp penalty payments. Or, vicodin junkie says "what about my bennies?"

- Shoe the children; meaning put shoes on their feet and not kick them. KC Sheraton manager returns to the area after taking part in the largest donation of shoes in the history of a shoe drive to benefit orphans.

- Missourians and residents of other states received more than $3.4 million in 2005 through mediation by Attorney General Jay Nixon's Consumer Protection Division. Which is so much more than you would have gotten if you'd just pulled out your pistol like you thought about doing in the first place. Stop the violence!

- KC area sets housing permits record. Developers plan to put "greater fool theory" to the test in the upcoming year.

- Bird flu won't suppress your appetite for chicken. Sneezing birds just need more hot sauce to make them all better.

Town Topics: What have you done for me lately?

- "You are #2!" I've been telling Baby Boomers this for the last ten years of my life.

- "The best way to fight higher taxes is by ensuring that the State of Missouri lives within its means." And other pipe dreams that won't happen this year. Want to help out the Show-Me state? Stop voting for Opie Taylor looking white guys like this State Senator who wants to cut your Grandma's benefits.

- VFW donates $100,000 to memorial for disabled Veterans. Which is nice, but I'm sure they'd just rather have the money or a decent explanation regarding Dick Cheney's stock options.

- KCPD officer hurt in the line of duty yesterday.

- Woman assaulted with phone is out of the hospital and onto a life of ridicule. On the other hand, just about any guy she dates will seem nicer than her last boyfriend.

First KCMO Murder of 2005 Still Unsolved

Yeah, but look at what great progress we're making on the PR campaign to stop the violence.

Talk about blaming the victim . . . if my thug life radar is still working. I'm sure the assailant is either dead, in jail or dating a fat white woman by now. And all of these fates I'm sure somehow of offering punishment enough.

Blast from the past . . . the Old Chelsea Theater

A great post from Death's Door. The spot currently occupied by the Old Chelsea is now office space . . . and they call it progress.

Car thefts from garages in Merriam show a pattern

Of ignorant white people that thought moving away from all the darkies would keep them safe.

Or . . It's a shame you had to move all the way out there and pay for an expensive house just to run and lock the doors when a car full of Black people passes by . . . you could have done that for much cheaper in my neighborhood.

P.S. - The best advice the cops in Merriam can give you: "Once again I'm saying, close your garage door." OR Health benefits for suburban cops entail not even being able to catch a cold.

Capoeira is (still) ghey

A while ago I let you know how I feel about the utterly ghey art of Capoeira.

My feelings haven't change just because of a nice PR article in The Star celebrating the opening of a new glorified dance academy for a local Capoeira troupe in KCK.

Capoeira is still completely ghey. In fact, Capoeira is more ghey than getting high on X, dancing at a rave and having unprotected sex with several anonymous partners. Why? Because at least a previous activity mentioned doesn't involve a bunch of white Midwesterners ripping off the culture of various brown people and going into contortions in order to pat themselves on the back while doing so.

*For the record, I've never tried either of the activities mentioned in this post. Mainly because I'm heterosexual but also because I don't work out enough and I look like a gorilla with my shirt off.

Always bet on Black OR The Star should send me Steve Penn's paycheck

Steve Penn could be the worst columnist in Kansas City. Not because he's an ass, Jack Cashill has the market cornered on that niche. Not because his writing is lazy and amateurish like that of Jason Whitlock. Not because his politics are reactionary and outdated like Lewis Diuguid. And not because he is completely out of touch with his community . . . Mary Sanchez fills out that role much better than her latest business suit.

No, Steve Penn is a horrible columnist because he knows the deal but he's too afraid to write what he knows to be true. The monolithic Black vote in this town controls a few things in this town, rather than just stating the fact he just writes love letters to local Black politicos. Violence in KC is a Black problem and it's literally killing that community, but Penn has went along with useless PR programs to cover the asses of politicians who can't/won't do anything substantial to solve the problem.

I know that Steve Penn knows that these things are basically true. Every now and then he drops a hint to how much he really knows and won't write. This is why he's a horrible columnist. Here's the latest sample of his trigger shy writing today in an article examining the upcoming Mayoral Race:

Since Brooks threw his hat in the ring, the buzz on the street and in political circles is that he is the front-runner (for mayor) for now. However, it's very early in the race, and there undoubtedly will be many twists and turns to come.

Why is this cowardice? Because everybody within smelling distance of City Hall knows that Brooks has more dirt on him than Precious Doe in her present condition.

Can I prove it? I thought that's why they paid the reporters at the Star. I'm patient and everybody knows that "it" is going to come out sooner or later. It always does.

Inevitably, it'll turn into a racial issue and I've heard that while the stories may be sexy, they are nothing that the local Black community won't forgive. For Background see: Marion Barry. Yeah, if a crack head can be Mayor of the nation's capital than there should be no stopping Mr. Brooks.

Daze of the Dead

Today, The Star is running a really morbid piece about dead people. Since death is probably the primary topic on the mind of their elderly subscriber base I guess it's just good business. But the thing reads like a very sappy obituary . . . on the front page no less . . . at least The Star is starting to get realistic about the reasons most people read their rag.

It's touching that they added some minority stories to the list since very often The Star only portrays the darkies in this town as the perpetrators of violence and death.

Anyway, if you weren't bummed out today . . . pick up a copy of The Star and commiserate with them as they ring the death bell for the people of this town and their ad revenues. Additionally, the article reminded me of that shitty Boyz II Men song "It's so hard to say goodbye" that was really popular when I was in High School. I once had a bad dream that I was mistakenly put in "white people Heaven" and all of the celebrities mentioned in that song were there as well. They made me fix them tacos before they eventually "deported" me.

Pay raise urged for Overland Park Mayor and City Council

Yeah, better to pay them up front rather than have them "supplement" their income and wind up in a community of lofts, condos and other pipe dreams that won't help out anybody but real estate developers.

KC school board hires administrator

"The Kansas City school board hired an interim administrator (for $6,500 a week) to help with staff and financial management as it prepares to hire a new superintendent."

This is actually a bit unfair. They should have just given the janitor a raise to clean out the last bunch of failures.

It's (not so) grrrrrrrreat! Or "Why they hate us"

Kansas City will soon be home to a monument to American consumerism other than I-35 South. Construction began last week on the Advertising Icon Museum, which is scheduled to open in September 2007 as part of a $100 million mixed-use development.

The Advertising Icon Museum, founded by Robert Bernstein, will be located on the west side of the historic Country Club Plaza in Kansas City. Bernstein (Tall Israeli) is the founder of KC based ad agency Bernstein-Rein where he not only invented the Happy Meal for McDonald's in 1976 but also created a business that could transform a woman who majored in Marketing at KU into a complete whore in less than two years.

Actually, a museum is a great place for most advertising nowadays considering that a growing number of people are able to zap though it and the remaining chumps are too poor to buy anything. Anymore, the only thing that modern advertising is good for is making teenage girls puke because they feel too fat and showing all the poor people in this country the lifestyle they'll never attain without murdering people or some small portion of their soul.

Lawyers seek to delay trial of Lisa Montgomery

Yeah, it'd be nice to get some extra time. Like maybe 9 months. Just enough time to produce something worthwhile without getting cut to shreds.

Mr. Telephone Man

A man accused of shoving a cell phone down a woman's throat recently surrendered to the police. Of course, justice won't be served until this dumbass is publicly beaten to death on Oprah. Sadly, I'm sure that a fairly long prison sentence will ensure that this guy learns what it feels like to be a woman.

KC-area unemployment rises

Keep waiting for KC's redevelopment to pay off. Keep waiting until Country Club Kay gets out of office, finds a new higher paying gig and then laughs all the way to the bank.

Recommended reading:

"Waiting for Godot" - Yeah, think on Samuel Beckett's bitter absurdist satire while construction companies collect even more tax breaks.

KC area gets health-care training grant

The money will go to train local RN's. While I thought that the funds could be used to provide info on triage techniques for health care professionals since KC's streets continually look like a war zone.

JoCo consumer confidence keeps improving

While my faith in the human race (or at least white people) continually declines.

Man Caught Drinking An Hour After DWI Sentencing

Missouri Judge plays wet nurse to booze hound and demonstrates that the side effects of alcoholism include liver damage, decreased amount of brain cells and loss of freedom.

Rolling Gun Battle Ends In Car Crash

KCK thugs are a busy bunch during the end of the year. They don't even have time to get out of the car to shoot.

2 Men Rob Church's Chicken

"The men were described as black men wearing hooded sweatshirts. The man with the gun was described as 5 feet 4 inches and about 145 pounds."

Now eat all your chicken, guy. So one day you can grow up big and strong and pull off a real robbery.

Racist jokes go in the comments section. Or not, has Kwanza taught you nothing?

President Hotel Lights Up Again

The end result of hundreds of millions of dollars of tax breaks is this PR story. It probably would have been cheaper for the city to just light the thing themselves rather than hand out millions in corporate welfare so that people who can afford to stay in luxury hotels can feel better about this city.

SUV Stolen In Merriam Home Invasion

Expect it to be returned as gas prices inevitably increase again.

Freedom isn't free

Actually, it costs about 100k for a Jeep . . . not a bad price for freedom, I guess. Who knew that the fate of Democracy in the Middle-East and the Iraqi people was dependent on the revenues of American military contractors?

Red Pandas at the KC Zoo

They love cold weather and live off the mistakes of local voters . . . much like Condo Kay Barnes only she's nowhere near as cuddly.

Seasons Greetings from Doug Patterson

Doug Patterson has been the talk of the local blogosphere lately. First of all, local blogger Cara displays his nonsensical holiday greeting. Additionally, Topeka blogger J.D. notes that on two occasions within a week (the JoCo Republican leader has proven himself) to be dumber than a sack of hammers . . . Strange, because I do that several times a day on this page. I'm telling you, Mexicans work just as hard if not harder than Republicans and they still want us out of the country.

Professor solves 40-year-old math problem

Bravo to the MU professor. But where in the hell was he when I was trying to figure out how to afford weed and enough Top Ramen to feed me until my next student aid check arrived?

Police Investigate Late-Night KCK Shooting

Shooting at the Hideout Club. Police still searching for the gunman despite the promising name of the bar at the center of the disturbance. Narf.

Vermeil Nearing an End in KC?

Is this why the coach has been crying so much lately?

How will KC address his increasing senility?

Depends.

Downtown construction alters bus routes

Sorry to all 3 of you bus riders for the inconvenience.

KC gets $1.8M for Freight House

Finally, federal money gets spent where it will help the most! Apparently, fine dining and art geeks were in desperate need of cash.

Shawnee Mission Park Lake Winter Dive

KC Infozine reports: "Over 200 adventurous souls will plunge into the chilly waters of Shawnee Mission Park Lake"

Proving once again that white people will do anything to avoid living near minorities.

Fewer blacks are enlisting in Army

Clearly, 50 Cent has proven that getting shot for a record deal is a far more lucrative endeavor.

P.S. -"In 2001, Hispanics made up 10.5 percent of active-duty Army recruits. This year they constituted 13.2 percent of active-duty recruits, according to Army statistics. That is slightly higher than their share of the U.S. population, 12.5 percent."

State approves Wyandotte County waterpark bonds

"The 300-acre resort project, proposed by Schlitterbahn Waterworks of New Braunfels, Texas, will be moving forward. Design work is expected to begin next year, with the resort scheduled to open in 2009."

This is exciting news not only because it means that WyCo will get the closest thing to a bath in years but also because running water was just introduced to many residents of the Kansas County not so many years ago.

The Best Laid Plans of the Power & Light District

The unimpressive list of businesses involved in the forthcoming P&L District probably won't do much to revive downtown. And I can't see how any of the slave labor required to run the establishments is going to change anybody's life that dramatically.

Here's the few companies who have confirmed their place in Country Club Kay's Master Plan:

Houlihan's Restaurant Inc
Gimme Sum Fresh Asian Grill
AMC Entertainment
Cosentino Food Stores
Sprint Nextel Corp

Not exactly ground breaking fare.

Additionally, there's one question about the P&L District that no one has bothered to answer: Why would anybody brave the commute to visit the same old boring places that they can frequent at the mall?

Does anybody believe that tractor pulls and arena football at the upcoming Sprint Center is going to sustain this speculative streak of development? When is this ponzi scheme finally going to implode? Who is going to be the greatest fool to purchase an overpriced condo in order to overlook a few chubby Midwesterners pouring down imported beer?

And the much hyped downtown grocery store Cosentino's? Good luck. All I can say is that you should probably be sure to stay away from the sausage grinder if you hear that somebody named Joey with a last name full of vowels goes missing.

Already it's clear that there isn't going to be much local flavor to the P&L district. Today's report from The Star notes that the rents are too high for local joints. From the list of current clients it seems like a strictly generic chain store affair. And like I noted earlier, I don't know why anybody would leave the suburbs to look at the same stores next to their house.

See, I've been though this before. The Town Pavilion Shopping Center was supposed to usher in a new era of downtown merchants and business. It was a good plan that never worked because KC has yet to confront a problem that defines the past 40 years of history in this town. Nobody likes to be around poor Black people in Kansas City. Even Black people with two nickels to rub together move away from predominantly Black neighborhoods in this town when given the opportunity. And the P&L District won't have the defenses of distance and "enthusiastic" police forces that protect the suburban shopping centers. Until people confront this issue head on, every development in this city will be made in the shadow of this town's racism. For the moment we're still running in circles and calling it commuting.

But the main problem with the P&L District is one that is present in all our lives.

Most of our plans are doomed to fail.

Look around, look at the people you know and their lives. Their marriages, their careers, their dreams and aspirations simply didn't pan out. It's called life. The safe bet is that most plans will fail. You settled when you got married and so did your wife, but a multi-million dollar effort based on fake football, hot wings and bad movies is supposed to usher in a new era of prosperity in this town? And whether it is American occupation in Iraq or corporate occupation of KC's downtown both are simply temporary circumstances that will ultimately end with an embarrassing withdrawal no matter how many communities, lives, limbs or money must be sacrificed in the process.

Another year older

It's time to ring in the New Year! You know, the holiday where you pretty much guarantee that you'll repeat the same mistakes again. Look on the bright side, at least those mistakes haven't killed you . . . yet.

Well, this year an overpriced New Year's Eve Party returns to Union Station. The celebration lost money in 2003 but now it's back with the help of Bank of America and all of the poor people who had their homes foreclosed.

Fees for the event will cost more than a hooker and a bottle of booze and it'll probably be just as lonely. However, at least after attending the Union Station party, your first order of business for the New Year won't be a visit to the clinic.

Norman Rockwell's art on display in St Charles, MO

Take a look at propaganda from the white people who just happened to win WWII. Notice how it's eerily similar to the white people on the losing side.

*Note: Germans are cool. Kurt Vonnegut said it best: "They are the only white people who like to fight other white people."

Get behind local theater groups (No homo)

The Just off Broadway Theater Association and the several theater companies that comprise the group are looking to raise money in hopes of establishing a place to perform. A fire started by a homeless bum damaged their previous digs and apparently it's much harder for homosexuals to perform in this city's parks during the cold winter months. However, I wouldn't know much about theater in KC because my idea of a great live show involves a donkey and a woman who has reached rock bottom.

Tax bills baffle Jackson County homeowners

"Officials defend mailings that duplicate statements to mortgage companies"

One more reason it pays not to own a home in this city. Apparently quite a few people freaked when they didn't know where they would come up with even more money to fund luxury loft development and sweetheart deals for local sports franchises. Don't worry, it was just yet another screw up by the county. Strangely, you'd think that having the best local government that money can buy would be a good thing.

Play on, Playa

The fat kids of Johnson County spent the last nice day of the year inside playing video games at the library. There is a passage in the article which claims that video games supposedly improve problem solving skills and promote critical thinking. I guess that's true if you count figuring out the location of the Doritos as a test of intelligence.

Actually, video games probably are helpful to future generations. These kids might someday be called upon to bomb brown people by remote in order to ensure that even more American kids can be overindulged. Video games are helpful in desensitizing kids to the violence required to maintain suburban lifestyles.

True Lies: KC FBI marriage profiled in The Star

The story of a local FBI couple about to retire clearly illustrates exactly how white The Star is . . . because only white people could write about FBI agents in such glowing terms. Most minorities simply want to stay as far away from the letters F-B-I as possible. Hell, I don't even like Alpha-Bits simply because they remind me of the various government organizations created to keep me in line.

More proof that white people are the biggest thieves on the planet

Apparently, this white rap on SNL is all the rage among hipsters across the nation. It's a pretty good example of white people celebrating white culture while ripping off Black people. Happy Kwanza.

Today's word is Ujima

Ujima: (oo-GEE-mah) Collective Work and Responsibility reminds us of our obligation to the past, present and future, and that we have a role to play in the community, society, and world.

Link "reappropriated" from Kottke.

P.S. - The white man is the devil.

Heroes (not hos) on the home front

Today, The Star decides to sing the praises of women left behind as their husbands fight in Iraq. The article blithely paints a noble picture of these women:

Such is the wartime lot of the military spouse, whose address usually is where the parades end and real life begins.

And this is just a fucking lie and has nothing to do with "real" life. I respect every single troop (and maybe one or two generals but probably not) overseas. The word hero gets tossed around too loosely nowadays. While I'm sure I could probably beat the shit out of somebody and take photos of them doing weird sexual stuff that wouldn't really qualify as heroic even if I did it at the request of White House officials . . . Still, the overwhelming majority of U.S. troops overseas are fulfilling their commitment to their utmost abilities. And if the mouth breathers at corporate offices in KC are any indication, honoring your commitments is rare indeed.

Anyway, while I respect the troops overseas their wives left at home are by in large the biggest hypocritical whores you could ever imagine. We've all heard the stories, we've seen them in local clubs or with strange cars parked in front of their houses. It's no secret why so many soldiers are coming back from Iraq and subsequently going on shooting rampages or harboring some kind of mental illness. Being married to a woman who has been on her own for the past few months and years would drive any man crazy.

Put simply, all women are whores and every single one of them cheat on their men when left unattended.

And your kneejerk reaction might be to say that this is somehow sexist or misogynist but it's exactly the same thing that men do as well. And while men may lie about it, women are far better at maintaining the pretense of "dignity" while juggling multiple dicks as taught to them by Oprah.

Let's hope that there is more truth to the propaganda about liberation and Democracy in Iraq than there is about the sanctity of marriage. Almost everybody cheats. And leaving a partner alone, during a stressful period in a dire financial situation is nearly a recipe for sending them into the arms of another. Sadly, in this war there is no opportunity for soldiers to reciprocate because the bitches in burkas are not half as good looking as the "me so horny" broads of the Vietnam era . . . and for awhile it actually looked like we could win Vietnam, the same was only true in Iraq for about a half a week after the invasion.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. MOST PEOPLE GET DIVORCED. The only concern is that a returning soldier might show a similar disregard for the life of one of our precious white women as the American public has offered toward the wholesale loss of life by the Iraqis. I know that divorce court will make you wanna shoot somebody but it (she) is really not worth it.

Long term marriages that have survived the sobering statistics on infidelity and the ubiquity of modern day divorce have successfully answered one question: Are you okay with the fact that your partner's mouth has been on stranger's genitals while you were married?

Sadly, this is a question that confronts far too many returning soldiers and all varieties of married people. And while the troops deserve the respect of both supporters and detractors of the war in Iraq, their spouses are often nothing more than lying whores who sit at home and whine about their check not being big enough while cheating on their husbands . . . That's not exactly bravery but it's pretty typical of what most women would do in that situation.

And while this is exactly opposite of the nice picture of military family life painted by The Star today, anyone even vaguely familiar with women whose husbands are overseas will recognize some of the behavior that I've described. It makes me wonder, if the Star is so misguided about what really happens when soldiers are away or just the simple realities of marriage in this country . . . What else have they got wrong?

Sweetheart Deal

Most sports writers and sports personalities in Kansas City are cowards. They are former jocks and sycophant wannabes who obviously have no real skills and subsequently end up taking the word of our local sports franchises as gospel. In the days since the announcement of the terms of the sweetheart deal for more than $500 million worth of renovations to the stadiums in the Truman Sports Complex, few if any local sports reporters have criticized the arrangement. The notable exception is Jack Harry. Not at all surprising when you consider the type of bravery it takes for the guy to walk around sporting that bad haircut.

Harry's criticisms have rested on two important points that should make any Jackson County tax payer fume.

The Royals say they will pay $25 million for improving Kauffman Stadium - just 10 percent of the estimated cost. That'’s far lower than the average team contribution of 44 percent for new major-league baseball stadiums since 2000.

And

The Chiefs offer to spend $75 million, or just 23 percent of the $325 million projected expense to upgrade Arrowhead. By contrast, such contributions from teams elsewhere have averaged 43 percent for new or refurbished National Football League stadiums since 2000.

And while I'd love to make a lot of dumb jock jokes here, the figures also indicate that the Jackson County Sports Authority and Katheryn Shields also have a tough time figuring out that these numbers screw the people of KC and provide a way for the teams to avoid paying their fair share which adds up to an additional $85 million for the Royals and $65 million for the Chiefs.

No doubt that as this issue comes before voters there is going to be a slick ad campaign like a previous one used to con voters into voting for the Sprint Center as a kind of "screw you" to St. Louis. And I think to myself that the effort to fool voters into supporting this scam/scheme is a cynical attempt that is guided by the notion that Midwesterners and sports fans are somehow intrinsically stupid.

Anyone in this town who is capable of turning off their TV for a second understands that this city's fate doesn't rest on sports franchises. "Major Leauge City" is a misnomer invented by PR companies. Can you honestly say that San Francisco or New York would be any less majestic without their sports teams? Only the most undereducated dunderhead would think so and thankfully the Greater KC Area is already developing a much more profitable relationship with NASCAR in order to cater to that crowd.

If our teams go to some place like San Antonio, you won't hear me crying. I'll simply say "Adios" and wish the people of that fine city good luck in dealing with two money hungry and constantly mediocre organizations that haven't competitively chased titles in their respective sports in decades.

See, I've had a lot of experience dealing with ultimatums because I've had a few relationships with 20-something women who were obsessed with getting married. Just like the Chiefs and Royals, the demands of young women center around money and complete submission to their whims. And while you can be nice, there ultimately has to come a point where you won't let yourself be bullied. And if they leave? Then they weren't right for you after all. It's time for the people of KC to call the bluff of the sports organizations in town. They are soon to begin their deceptive campaign to get your money but one study after the next has proven that new stadiums don't necessarily help the cities which host them. And while the glamour of woman beating, bar fighting, consistent losers might blind you; remember that there are only a few reasons to root for the home team but a half a billion reasons to vote no.

Land Ho!

The Hawley family, who re-discovered The Arabia steamboat, are on a new search for buried treasure.

However, I bet if they just announced that they recently discovered the Arabia in the River Market a lot of people would believe them, considering how few people know it's there in the first place.

Today's article by the Star not only mentions that the family is considering moving the exhibit to Union Station but also makes the subject of treasure hunting seem extremely boring.

City stops getting soaked by home builders

The Kansas City Water Services Department is soon to stop giving out free water to new home builders and owners.

Water officials realized they had a big problem in 2001 when an audit revealed that the city delivered 37 million gallons daily of unbilled treated water, or 31 percent of the total. Much of that was from leaky water mains and inaccurate, aging meters. But at least part of the loss was due to unmetered construction activity.

The new rules should stop home builders from taking advantage of free resources from the city other than the use of Country Club Kay's coattails.

Program would help KC police speak Spanish

Know your enemy! The better to ship you to back to Mexico with, my pretty!

Actually, this is a good idea considering the 80% increase of Latinos in the KC area since 1990. Additionally, immersion programs give KC police officers a glimpse of rampant corruption and hopelessness in Mexico . . . Just like KC only with a few little differences. No TIF money and fewer lofts and condos.

KC Infozine recipe for Potato Pancakes

They are calling this recipe a look on the "Wild Side" of Hanukkah because the article contains info about using wild rice in combination with grated potatoes to make the traditional holiday dish.

And I guess that's cool if a different pancake recipe is as "wild" as it gets during Hanukkah. However, the traditional Christian ritual of drunk driving, fighting with relatives and quiet, bitter resentment is more my speed.

To each his own.

Bank takes TIF to council without commission's OK

Every business in town knows that everyday is X-mas as far as construction subsidies and our local politicos are concerned.

It's getting hot in here

A fire breaks out after domestic dispute and I wonder if it's the Ghost of X-mas Past on CPT. That's raw but I'm sure Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes would have nothing to do with this kind of stunt in the afterlife. RIP.

Man Charged With Shooting Brother On Christmas

My brother and I laughed about this story over the holiday and then vowed that if it ever came to that we'd opt for a knife fight because that's much more entertaining to watch.

Kansas City Comic Books Stores

Local blogger and comic artist Parrish has compiled a great list of comic book stores in the area. Help him find more URLS and locations in order to build a stronger local comics scene and create a community of people with an extensive knowledge of where to get a good deal on extra large sweatpants.

BlogKC talks trash

Time to throw out (or recycle) X-mas along with all that empty sentiment regarding faith and peace.

Religious Rift

How to you combine the celebration of Hanukkah and Christmas? Easy. Just ignore the religious implications of both holidays, ignore the scorn of your parents and make with the presents.

Follow up: Cell Phone Story Doesn't Ring True

The woman who reportedly swallowed her cell phone during an argument was actually the victim of an assault. The fact nearly two days ago proving that word on the Internets is every bit as good as the propaganda distributed by your local media monopoly.

In the future, I along with the rest of the MSM will work harder to more accurately make fun of your personal tragedy.

Columbia smoke Free?

PC thugs legislate so you won't have to use your judgment. Obviously, the lesson here is that relying on personal responsibility is hazardous to your health.

And as much as that troubles me, it's probably true.

Before vaccination, babies get sugar

Encouraging a life long addiction to a profitable substance makes headway in the treating of an instant of pain. Medical wonders never cease.

KC woman finds a mission helping children in Sri Lanka

Local poor, Brown kids living in squalor and violence just not exotic enough.

KC Teach Chinese, no joke. The article contains no information about the status of your coke.

While the effort to keep local kids from speaking Spanish is in full swing, schools in Kansas City are now emphasizing the importance of learning Chinese as a second language. Apparently, it's much more important to seem hip and get your order for Crab Rangoon right, rather than talk to all the little brown people in the shitty parts of town.

Gen Tzo's Chicken: $7.50
Speaking Spanish in school: Suspension
Being Asian, non-threatening and the "Model minority" in this country: Priceless

Doctor Billy Sunday Explains Anal Bleaching

This link is not local, it's not safe for work but it's damn funny and informative as well.

Two Home Invasions in Merriam

You can live in your McNeighborhood, accumulate a lot of stuff to put in your McMansion and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. But then one day someone just might put a McGun in your face, take all your McMoney and your McCar while you pray he doesn't McRape your family.

Have a wonderful McX-mas and remember that you're home isn't being invaded, it's being liberated.

Body Dumped in Leavenworth is a KCMO Murder

Local outsourcing manifests itself in all kinds of ways.

Gay bashing proves expensive

Turns out the kid that all of Tonganoxie picked on for "acting" gay is now $440,000 richer. Good for him, that Carson guy from Queer Eye has been acting really gay for years and I don't think he has made that kind of payday, especially since his show's ratings dropped.

I think of this as stupid tax. The price a town pays for being mean to gay people should be much more substantial than just living in a dull community with no good place to dance. If anything, small towns should start paying gay people to hang around. It's a great way to provide fat women with friends and create theater groups.

Ironically, the kid now lives in KC and he says he's not gay. And now, thanks to the dumbass kids of Tonganoxie, he will have a hell of a lot of cash to chase tail.

Holy Night

My X-mas shopping is done. I've sunk money back into the economy of Johnson County and now the only thing left to do is procrastinate wrapping this year's paltry bounty of presents. I was at Oak Park Mall yesterday and I realized two things: Unfortunately, that horrible place is really the heart of Kansas City. Oak Park mall was probably the most diverse and vibrant place I've been to this season. Everybody was busy wasting their money on shit they don't need and doing it with glee. Secondly, I think I dwell on racism a bit too much. From my experience at the mall yesterday It's clear that people of all colors and creeds hate poor people more than anything else. I can't say I blame them. Poor people don't buy much and that's what X-mas is all about . . . that and some Black Jewish kid.

Merry X-mas kids. Have a fun and safe holiday. If hear sleigh bells and see Santa overhead that means you've been drinking entirely too much and your ass needs to stop, call a cab and sleep it off.

Fading Star

The Star recently hired a consultant to assess ad rates. Now this must be a sweet gig. You walk in, say "You're fucked" and then pick up your check. It's kind of like being a columnist at The Star only with more work.

Initially, Internet ad rates dropped when people realized the slim click through ratio and conversion rate. However, now advertisers are beginning to learn that it beats the completely unlikely odds of the newspaper persuading anybody to do anything other than support mindless and speculative downtown redevelopment and attend the latest showing of bad art in this town. Additionally, nowadays people find that it's easier to use online classifieds. Online classifieds offer a cheap forum where you can get the merchandise you want along with a bad case of herpes.

When you're broke, what's in a name?

Recently, the Fairmont Hotel on the Plaza sold . . . again. In January the hotel will be renamed: "The InterContinental Kansas City at the Plaza." Or, more accurately, "The place at which you can't afford to stay."

Leawood eye doctor helps test new laser

No word how he'll attach the freaking laser to the shark's heads.

Man, 3-Year-Old Girl Shot On East Side

It's shocking that a little kid would be involved in this kind of violence but really it's even more shocking that the reporters on the scene seem to present this incident as a random shooting. Somebody who gets shot with their kid in the car, pissed off somebody else in a bad way. Call it speculation, it is, but it's also called having an understanding of the world beyond that of toddler.

Bullied Teen Wins Settlement From School

Additionally, the kid learns a valuable lesson: The best way to continue bullying people into adulthood is to become a lawyer.

X-mas Blasphemy

A local blogger isn't taking up arms in the so-called "War against Christmas" waged by bored talk show hosts everywhere and he doesn't say whether or not we are spawned form the monkeys . . . his crime is far worse. This local blogger has the temerity to admit that Winstead's gets a little tired after awhile. This insult to KC's honor is akin to slapping the Pope in the face with a copy of the Koran while passing out condoms to little kids and peeing on a statue of the Virgin Mary. It may be pretty cool performance art, the people of KC won't respect you in the morning. While he does have a point, I'll keep choking down Winstead's burgers till my arteries close . . . which at this rate should be sometime in the near future.

The Taum Sauk Flood & Johnson's Shut-Ins

Local blogger Dan hosts an amazing photo of the break in the reservoir from the recent flood in east Missouri. I'm not really familiar for the area, so to me it looks like another planet . . . but still pretty cool. Check it out if you haven't already.

Making a (health department) list

Local blogger Parrish posts the Kansas City Health Department's list, by restaurant, of violations during recent inspections. Unfortunately, this list will make you want to toss your milk and cookies.

"Concealed-carry in Kansas, IV"

"For $150 and eight hours training, any Kansas citizen who is 21 or older and free of felony convictions can get a concealed-carry permit." This local blogger proposes some changes as do I . . . like maybe passing out free t-shirts with target signs for everybody.

Cell phone lodged in woman's throat

The Star reports: A Blue Springs woman was taken to a hospital emergency room early today after a cell phone became lodged in her throat when she tried to swallow it.

The woman got into an argument with a boyfriend, and when he asked for the cell phone, she gulped it down, said Sgt. Steve Decker of the Blue Springs Police Department.

Any man who has ever been in an argument with a woman near the holidays knows that this story is not as sensational as it reads.

Additionally, most women I see have a cell phone lodged in their mouth to begin with so I don't know why this rates a mention.

Update: Ewwww. I feel dirty. Everybody in town just blogged this . . . I can see the dumbass little smirk that every local newsbitch is gonna wear when the read the story off the prompter. How can I redeem myself? I mean we all do stupid shit that we don't want in the paper, most of it involves unprotected sex, gambling or having faith in our spouses, employers or kids. I certainly don't wanna be a part of the "I'm so much better than these dumbass people in the news" vibe that emanates from most MSM outlets. I started this blog to make fun of professionals in the local media and not regular people who had the misfortune to end up in the media spotlight.

Eh, swallowing a phone isn't so bad, I know a hell of a lot of women who have swallowed much more disgusting substances . . . and quite a few times as well.

Don't feel bad Blue Springs lady, whoever you are . . . Here's a couple of photos of much more important people doing stupid things:

Looking for Boobee

Move UP makes an issue out of a missing man with an unfortunate nickname. If you're out looking for boobies tonight (and who isn't?) help this guy find his way home if you see him. He'll probably be easier to find than the days when MOVE UP actually had some political clout.

"A thief made it a blockbuster night"

Crime reporting is funny where there's not a gun in your face. In other news, a robbery at a local blockbuster provides another reason to use Netflix in addition to the fact that late fees are coming back.

Burglar Steals Assisted Living Center's Karaoke Machine

Grateful relatives rejoice.

Stuff this in your stocking

Recently, a pickpocket targeted an 84-year-old couple.

I could've sworn that they did not look a day over 79.

Additionally, and this is the trend that you all noticed but the local media won't mention. Tis the season to stay away from minorities. At least ones you don't know. I have absolutely no problem with you (white) people running from me as you make your way to the car (which actually happened to me last night). You've got to look out for your own safety and if that means hurting somebody's feelings . . . then shift your purse, look your door or move to the other side of the street and feel bad about it later . . . Like I noted previously, it gives me a perverted sense of self-esteem when white people scurry in my presence and it's not like I don't think of all the white store owners as crooks too.

A costly mistake

It will cost the KCK police a half a million dollars to learn that even though all Latinos look alike, they aren't all the same. Or, simply deporting all the brown people will save the trouble of sorting them out.

The names are almost the same, but the wrong man ended up in jail twice because of mistakes, and now a jury has awarded him $500,000 in damages, on top of an earlier $25,000 settlement.

Alonzo Echols was arrested in February 2000 by Kansas City, Kan., police on five misdemeanor warrants and one felony warrant for aggravated battery. The warrants bore his name and his birthdate, but the person actually accused of wrongdoing was another man - Alonzo Eacholes.

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that all this anti-Mexican sentiment is costly in the end because it marginalizes Latinos who are citizens and creates mistrust of law enforcement in immigrant communities which ultimately breeds crime. However, I guess I make my own generalizations about white people as well. I still haven't seen one that can dance, sing, speak at length without whining or keep a spouse in check.

Fight for your right to party

I've found that white people love these kinds of stories: Apparently, a local chapter of the NAACP is pursing a complaint because of a recent party that was broken up by KCK police under suspicious circumstances. There are several allegations of racism directed toward the white cops who broke up the affair. The details of the complaint do sound pretty racist, if they're true, but I've found that most people at parties don't know what the hell they're talking about. Read for yourself:

Vickey Everidge, who lives in the house, said police raided the party because of a noise complaint. The officers were white, and the party-goers were black. Most people left after police arrived, Everidge said.

The complaint alleges that officers used force, chemical spray, and racial and sexual slurs. At least four persons were struck with flashlights or officers'; fists, Everidge said.

I've been to a few wild KCK parties and this actually sounds like a good time if you were to avoid pepper spray or being crushed under the boot of a pissed off white cop. Thing is, there is an easy way to avoid problems like this . . . hire more minority cops. In my experience I've found that Black and Latino cops are twice as bad as any white police officer who is most likely worried about spending the next week in sensitivity class if he piles up too many complaints regarding racism. Ice Cube penned the classic line in his NWA days "Black police showing out for the white cop!" and it's pretty much true but there's nothing to be done about it . . . other than avoiding confrontations with the police (best policy).

I also put this sell out theory to the test in my own life. I keep a few white friends around just in case I ever need discounts on tanning sessions, info about co-opting the latest trends in Black culture or if I need to know what's going on in the world of reality television.

Along with Most Women, Hipsters Can't Count

The KC Fringe Festival has been unable to pay most performers who turned up at the festival back in July. The organizer thought she was going to get a grant but it ended up falling through.

Honestly, it's not like anybody is being ripped off in this situation. The "performers" are basically locals that are one step out of their parent's garage. Incidentally, this is yet another example of how KC redevelopment and all the circle jerking about the Crossroads is a lot of hype and very little money. While 5,000 white people venturing into downtown KC is notable, it's not the second coming. Anybody who takes a look at the hipster events will notice that the patrons are way too busy primping and posing to actually buy anything. The only economy that Fringe Festival, Crossroads, art geeks are going to fund is that of witty t-shirt and a few drug dealers. Additionally, the group seems pretty fickle and they could lose interest in the whole thing overnight. A short attention span is a side effect of pro-longed pot use and listening to too much alt rock.

Obviously, the KC art, hipster, Crossroads scene is paid far too much attention for something that doesn't pay out. And, in the end, I don't see what makes that crowd so much different from local country music lovers. Both groups play music that keeps most minorities at bay.

Holiday Cheese

Today, The Star can't even come up with a cheese X-mas story that relates to Kansas City. They donate prime real estate to this tacky story about the meaning for X-mas and homeless bums that's based in New York, City.

NEW YORK CITY!

And it's not that I object to sentimentality. How else are you supposed to con white women into sex? But let's be realistic and let's keep things focused on this town. Here are a few sentimental holiday moments I've had in KC.

- Drunk driving in Overland Park after an X-mas party. Cop pulls over car full of Black guys instead of me. Thank God for small favors.

- X-mas at the riverboat casinos. I don't win but being broke keeps me from buying holiday hookers.

- As a kid I took part in one of the many toy giveaways that this generous town sponsors. I truly understood "diversity" and the brotherhood of man when I realized that Black kids were not really different that me . . . we all cry, choke and cough when we get punched in the throat. Yeah, when I call dibs on the GI Joes, I mean it.

Kansas City Wildlands

This story refers to rural, heavily wooded areas and not the Eastside.

The end of my hot water jokes

(Don't worry, she's legal. Not that any of us have a chance with her anyway.)

Local swim coach Craig Ivancic will spend the next 12 in prison. He was recently sentenced to 7 years for having sex with a 14 year old member of the the swim team he was coaching. Apparently, part of the guy's defense was that he had actually regressed to the point of thinking of himself as a teenager.

And that got me thinking . . . Is there not a better deal than to be a white teenager with money in this country? I can't think of any other type of person with that much freedom. I know that I'm a mean guy but next time you go to a suburban mall just look around at all the white kids and you'll be able to see more than a few that obviously believe the world revolves around them. And maybe it does, nearly every product, movie and form of music is geared toward their really bad sensibilities. I could see the attraction of wanting to be a white teenager until you think about pressures from parents, the inevitable day when you're forced to take on the 'white man's burden' and pick up a mortgage in the suburbs . . . not to mention the whole penis size thing.

I guess everybody has their problems. Sure, being a white kid with money isn't exactly akin to mining blood diamonds in Sub-Saharan Africa but those people don't have to worry about the subtleties of matching clothes from the Gap with a recent purchase from Abercrombie.

Slump

I'm in a bit of a posting slump today. Can't seem to break out of it. Midget porn just isn't helping. I'm thinking of my shopping trip today, not to complain but I have a limited budget and I want to buy gifts for a few people. In the grand scheme of things this is not a problem considering that I once knew a girl with cancer of the eyes (no shit).

I'm thinking about getting a pack of gum and sharing.

Problem solved.

Joplin kid band proves how much white people love their children

The article contains a photo of the kid rockers. I think their equipment cost more than my first car. Reading the story I thought to myself "that money would probably be better spent on the substance abuse programs these kids will need when the real world tells them they suck."

Support our oops

If you're getting a cell phone for X-mas, you can donate the old one to an American troop overseas through the KC VA Hospital. Or you can buy a clue for somebody who supports the war.

Blogger Backtalk: To be great in Kansas City you must leave

- The Bird left KC on his horse (or in search of it) never to return. A career in obscurity isn't that bad compared to life struggling with heroin addiction.

- Sweatin' the small stuff from local blog Death's Door. I don't sweat gay cowboys but sharks scare the shit out of me.

- "Christmas in the office is a lot like celebrating Hanukkah in a Baptist church in July." A local scrooge sums up office parties nicely.

Half a BILLION Dollars!

Slap the next Chiefs fan you see from Johnson County.

If you live in Kansas City, MO proper there is no topic worth discussing today other than the latest terms of the Chiefs and Royals shake down of this city. In exchange for more than $500 million (that's a half a billion dollars) the teams want a bunch of new toys including wider concourses, more restrooms and luxury suites. Think about that, a half a billion dollars and they don't even have the courtesy to break into a Dr. Evil laugh after disclosing the amount.

What do you get for your money? Well I've heard that Larry Johnson isn't going to stop beating white women any time soon and you can probably count on help in the woman beating endeavor from Lionel Dalton. And even with Tony Pena gone I'm guessing that the Royals can find someone else to service your wife.

The story was leaked early to The Star (of course) and they're taking their usual timid tone that they adopt when any construction project is under discussion. The local TV stations did a few interviews from what looked to be JoCo sports bars and those bastards seem to be all for it.

Bi-State II was a miserable failure, it was soundly defeated in JoCo and it was that community's last chance to prove that those (white) people are anything more than VAMPIRES who suck the life from KC or maybe SPOILED little girls who are partying on somebody else's dime. Seriously, I know so many people from KC proper who have never been to a Chiefs game but you can't drive two blocks in Overland Park without seeing some moron in an SUV with a Chiefs sticker.

And the thing is, I'm pretty sure that Jackson County will pay for the entertainment of all of those white people who venture into the city for games but do little to enrich anybody other than billionaire sports franchise owners.

I wish I had more jokes but the fact of the matter is that KC IS BEING SWINDLED BY THE CHIEFS FANS OF JOHNSON COUNTY. Like most Americans, they love to fight as long as they don't get hurt, cheer as long as they don't have to do any work, they expect sacrifice from everyone but themselves and they love to "support" as long as they don't have to pick up the check.

JoCo Chiefs fans have proven themselves to be hypocritical, egocentric and parasitic. Their behavior typifies the same kind world view that has led to a costly and seemingly endless war in Iraq, that has brought about unchecked outsourcing and downsizing, that has allowed corporations control of this Democracy and provoked hate from so many people on this planet directed toward the U.S. for reasons which we all do our best to ignore.

The Star: KC murders linked to poverty

The Star reports that poor neighborhoods are a good place to get killed and that most murder victims are single, unemployed (and probably Black). Apparently, hobo life is not as happy, carefree and full of singing as I was first led to believe. That sucks because I just bought a harmonica.

Anyway, the best way to avoid being a victim of violence is not to be poor. Figure that one out for yourself as the Star does its best not to mention the Black community's principal role in the city's murder rate drama. Sure there are a lot of poor Black people but there are also tons of poor Mexicans and Viet Cong in this town who haven't been offing themselves like it's going out of style. Until this city is honest about where the overwhelming majority of homicides are coming from and who they are effecting than this commission is nothing more than a worthless PR gesture.

Blogger Backtalk: Ho, Ho, Ho in my area code

- Local blogger Faith needs an X-mas gift suggestion other than lube.

- Local blogger Dan writes about the polarization in this country. Whereas I'm not worried because I weatherized last month.

- I don't know how I feel about a woman's right to make bad decisions. It's been the only reason I've ever had a date.

- I can't believe I almost missed this but Toast brings you a report from this year's incarnation of the Tribulation X-mas. Her descriptions will make you roar with laughter as you careen toward eternity in Hell.

Cowtown Corral: Naughty girls need love too

- The bank robber who made those meaty bitches strip during the getaway was sentenced yesterday. Luckily nobody was killed and I got a new masturbation fantasy. If he comes up for parole anytime soon, he can count on a letter of support from me.

- Local news warns of a scam on EBay other than the sellers fees.

- KCK thugs murder and litter.

- KC's soon to be Arena Football team helps the Salvation Army in what seems to be a clandestine attempt to scout the streets for bums who'll play fake football for pocket change.

- Recent article in the Northeast News gives an overview of immigration Debate or as I like to call it: "The War against the Burrito Stand."

- Man dies when SUV lands on truck. No word on the condition of the peanut butter and chocolate carried in the respective vehicles. (Yeah, that's bad. I know. I deserve to limp the rest of my life just for thinking that, but then again I also think I'm just ripping that joke off from a TV show I saw a few weeks ago. So that makes me feel better.)

- The Pitch reports on suburban punk posers. Somebody's been reading demographics.

And about the title. You're damn right I'm quoting Samantha Fox lyrics.

Kansas City Woman Celebrates Christmas Early with $10,000 Win

Don't let this PR story confuse you, playing the lottery nearly guarantees you're a loser.

More cash thrown in the money pit

Further evidence that the animals live better than you.

The Kansas City Zoo broke ground Wednesday on $3.6 million worth of improvements, financed by a $30 million bond package voters approved in April 2004 for work slated for completion by 2011.

Between this and condo development all of the po'folk in KC are becoming an endangered species . . . which I guess is good for business and tax revenue. Myself, I'm thinking of taking up residence at the Zoo as well. I like the neighbors, there is a lot of walking so I'll be in better shape and I hear that baby seal tastes wonderful.

Poll: Missouri voters favor stem cell initiative

Those horrible commercials must be working. I know I can't wait till they serve "baby juice" with my breakfast at McDonalds.

Support our troops with flags made in China

Don't bother to think critically about the war in Iraq because flag waving is the only news worth reporting. An Overland Park man covering his lawn in a sea of flags offers a tribute to the brave men and women overseas.

Spector created the tribute so no one forgets that the war in Iraq is being fought by men and women willing to give their lives for their country. There are 2,100 flags in Spector's front lawn at 6520 W. 106th Street.

What a powerful reminder that living in the suburbs and being dependent on foreign oil just to get the grocery store is what ultimately makes these fossil fuel wars necessary. Not that I'm not patriotic, I guess killing brown people overseas so that those with enough money don't have to live near brown people in this country is the American way. However, don't think for a second that I don't support the troops. I do and I'm putting 2,100 'Vote for Al Gore in the 2000 election' signs in my front yard to prove it.

Full disclosure: I voted for Bush in 2004 not only because Gay Marriage frightens me more than Osama bin Laden but also because I figured that only the dumbass who got the U.S. into Iraq could get us out. I'm not a liberal, I'm just wrong about a lot of things . . . it's similar but I don't have a large collection of witty t-shirts, I take semi-regular showers, and I don't think I'm changing the world by listening to emo bands.

2 Teens Shot Near I-635, 38th Street

"I'm the center of the world"

Every blogger thinks this, Lawrence blogger Josh Rosenau just happens to be correct.

Only assholes use a lot of hand gestures

Because I don't listen to any rap music produced after 1995 I didn't know exactly what the hell Larry Johnson was doing with his hands after every touchdown. Now I realize that he has been engaging in a bit of product placement at the expense of Chiefs fans. While Johnson's flashing of the "Diamond Cutter" symbol might soon be nixed by NFL officials, it's funny that not only are the Chiefs shaking down KC for 500 million but now they are also sitting back as the team's leading rusher and beater of white women turns the game into one great big commercial.

Larry Johnson's gesture gets even more conspicuous as pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page has recently filed a lawsuit against Jay-Z for unlawful use of the "Diamond Cutter" hand sign.

And again, until a few days ago, I thought the symbol was just a way for Larry Johnson to tell everybody how big of an asshole he is . . . or maybe a reference to the actual size of his asshole (gross) because we all know that all male models are ghey and engage in Greek love with reckless abandon. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know that we (me and my monkey) have raised some reasonable doubts about Johnson's, let's just call them . . . preferences. Nobody has yet to answer how a grown man gets the nickname "King Pink."

Still, the fact remains that Team Roc (Jay-Z's clothing line) has received what amounts to millions of dollars worth of advertising from their spokeswoman Larry Johnson by using this dumbass and unoriginal hand signal. Now that this season for the Chiefs seems to be nothing more than a losing effort, I wonder if fans will return a hand signal of their own if Lovable Larry Johnson tries to shove a corporate logo in their face after scoring yet another meaningless touchdown that probably won't change the outcome of this Sunday's inevitable loss to the Chargers and won't do a thing to salvage the season.

The city might get a better deal if the management of Starlight Theatre is opened to bidders, the city auditor says.

OR, even the people at City Hall are getting tired of seeing "The Music Man" every summer.

Death of fetus in September puts KC murder tally at 125

About a month ago I predicted that the murder rate would be 125 and it looks like I was wrong about this one was well. However, if murdering unborn babies is a crime then I think the body count is way higher than a paltry 125, I know a trio of Westport Skanks that racked up that many abortions during the first half of their twenties. That's before they got married, got religion and wanted all the Mexicans like me out of the country.

Judge's lenders to remain unnamed

We'll probably never know which local attorneys lent money to a corrupt Municipal judge but you'd be safe in assuming that all lawyers are crooked.

It ain't easy being green

The Parks department is fighting to keep their trucks green amid a move to bring more uniformity to all city vehicles.

Some heartless bastard (Wayne Cauthen) doesn't care about this city's traditions and so the color of the trucks will likely change along with the placement of the Parks & Rec logo which marks the side of the automobiles.

I've always found that the logo and color coding of the City's trucks was a nice local touch and made it really easy to spot the city employees who were sleeping in their beautiful vehicles.

TKC leaves Mike Hendricks in the dust

Actually, that's not true because I know the Star guys have to turn in their column weeks in advance but as far as you're concerned I'm not "completely" lying.

Anyway, on Monday I posted a short item about the divisions in the JoCo Republican Party. It was nothing more than a rehashing of local blogger Cara's great post that gave true insight into local Republican infighting.

TWO DAYS LATER Mike Hendricks files a column entitled: "Kansas GOP fights for identity" that is pretty much a carbon copy of Cara's post (same sources) and not nearly as entertaining as what I had written (not one pussy joke). What this means is that reading local blogs puts you a step ahead of local columnists . . . not that standing straight and using opposable thumbs didn't already give you the edge on those douchebags.

Kemper Museum seeks volunteer docents

Qualifications: You must be pretentious enough to use the word "docent" rather than just calling the position what it is: tour guide. I had to look it up myself because I'm a foo (not a fool, just a foo) and I have no class. However, I bet working at the Kemper is actually quite trying, I couldn't imagine keeping a stick up my ass and calling it modern art for 8 hours a day.

Breathe Easy

KCP&L will install new emission control equipment in order to improve air quality in the Kansas City area. It's called an off switch. Don't worry, they won't use it, your video games and light for late night porn reading are safe.

Lockton foundation gives $1M to Nelson-Atkins

That's cool. So the next time they hit me up for money I won't feel so guilty when I tell them that I'm Baroque.

BWAHahahahhahahahahaha! I know that old joke is stupid but it makes me happy.

Kathleen Sebelius: Popular governor

Matt Blunt is near the bottom of the list with a confessed intravenous drug user (Schwarzenegger and the roids) and suspected criminal Bob Taft from Ohio.

"I Got My Jim Talent Holiday Card Today"

Tis the season to stop partisan bickering. There are few liberals out there who are heartless enough to tell Baby Blunt that Santa doesn't exist.

From my mail bag (nullus)

Many thanks to a local reader who sent CC'd me on this informative letter he sent to Country Club Kay regarding the street closings downtown.

For him, the news today that they are closing more streets starting in January, in particular they will have five adjacent north-south streets closed (Wyandotte, Baltimore, Main, Walnut, and Grand) demanded a response.

The very observant Kansas Citian writes:

I just wanted to express my utter disgust at the latest news I've heard that both Wyandotte and Grand will be closed downtown beginning in January. Navigating downtown is difficult as it is, in particular with Baltimore, Main, and Walnut closed, but now closing the two streets on either side of those three streets, Wyandotte and Grand, makes downtown practically impassable.

As a Kansas City taxpayer, I'd like to know how much the private companies that are benefiting from these street closures, such as H&R Block, The President Hotel, and Cordish Company, for example, are paying for the privilege of having these critical streets closed for their benefit and denying taxpayers who paid for them use of these assets? I think that this issue is especially disturbing since many of these private companies will not be paying city taxes themselves on these assets for many years due of TIF concessions they've negotiated.

I look forward to the City's response to this issue.

Two Salvation Army Kettles Stolen in KCK

One way or another, help gets to the people who need it . . . even the bastardly ones.

Exercise in futility

If you wanted any more evidence that the KC Crime Commission is nothing more than a worthless PR gesture endorsed by Country Club Kay in between highballs then look here: The city's crime commission examined domestic violence cases Tuesday.

KMBC's Micheal Mahoney reported that there was talk at the session about how poor women can come to feel so trapped by their poverty, their relationships and their children that they lash back.

At the meeting, police said that of the 12 domestic-violence homicides this year, four of the incidents have put women in jail.

Ugh. I guess that's really important work, but if you want to end domestic violence in KC the answer is simple. This city simply needs better access to chicken pot pies and training for local women on how to cook and serve them efficiently. It's hard to believe that leaders in KC are wasting time discussing all of the various PC examples of domestic violence when this city's murder rate continues to mount. There are steps that people have already taken to counter spousal abuse in KC, including domestic shelters, divorce lawyers and firearms training (my suggestion) whereas nobody has yet to come up with an effective strategy for curbing all of the random violence that's killing the (mostly Black) people of this town. If the crime commission was my wife, I'd say that a few spankings for this blunder were called for . . . Sadly, the ineffective leadership regarding the violence issue in KC is the biggest joke in town and it's not even that funny.

Prep quarterback changes mind, will attend Kansas State

Apparently, he wants to study how to take a litany of sacks from the Nebraska and Oklahoma defenses.

Purse snatcher apprehended within minutes

In rare instances when witnesses co-operate, the KCPD is able to solve crimes with record breaking speed.

A man who attacked a woman and snatched her purse Monday afternoon was arrested by Kansas City police less than 20 minutes later. He'd been identified by the woman he victimized.

Incidentally, the woman was waiting for the bus near Ward Parkway when she was attacked. I know that quite a few local bloggers love public transportation but I'm sticking with my beat up old car, simply because it's a clear indication that I'm not worth robbing.

Bill would give UMKC $1M for trauma research

I wish they had this fund when I attended that institution. There is nothing like the trauma of getting out of college and discovering that being able to deconstruct movies, TV shows and political campaigns doesn't exactly prepare you for the real world.

Personal income rises in Missouri, Kansas

But sadly, far behind increases in the cost of living, heating your home, a decent car, that new Ipod, high class hookers and those new laptop I've had my eye on which will probably become obsolete the moment I open the box.

Troopers Seize 80,000 Ecstasy Pills

Or, this year's holiday rave is gonna suck.

This is your brain on drugs. This is your ass hanging out the window on drugs.

You've probably already seen this on the national news but finally Channel 9 has posted video of that (allegedly) crazy-ass, PCP taking dude that the KCPD saved after he threw himself out of a window.

Lately, there's been a commenter on this page that thinks I don't like the cops. That's not true, I just don't like the white ones. Okay, once again I'm kidding, I don't like the Black ones either.

Jokes, these are all jokes . . .

Everyday the police put their life on the line to protect the people of KC from gun-wielding maniacs armed with rifles and on a PCP binge like this guy (allegedly) and they have my respect. But seriously, anybody who walks around with a gun has to be able to take a joke because that's all I'm armed with . . . okay I also have a missile defense system, a few semi-automatic weapons, land mines and tank of sharks with freaking lasers attached to their head but that's just my underground lair, I don't walk around with that stuff.

In all seriousness, I know the deal . . . Everybody hates the cops until they need one. It's an important job and unfortunately they don't get perks like all the tail that is thrown the way of firefighters.

2 Girls Report Seeing Flasher After School

Or, local perv takes sex education into his own puny, little hands.

Hot off the press

The latest issue of MilkToastKC is up on the web.

My favorite funny articles:

KCK Mayor Looks Forward To Ushering In New Era Of Corruption

Lawrence Residents Ready To Rock, Survey Finds

For once, there is an honest admission from a local publisher about where you'll be able to pick up a copy of the magazine. "And keep your eyes peeled for it on a window sill in a dank, smoky, urine-soaked bar near you." Good stuff, check it out.

"fuck the cowtown image"

Awesome post from local artist and DJ OZ. He links to a recent article of his published in the NY Arts Magazine about the burgeoning art scene in KC.

"I'm so tired of mediocrity"

Local blog Arrowheadcase takes a look at this year's season. In the grand scheme of things, maybe the Chiefs aren't all that bad. Money line: "I suppose it's better to be mired in mediocrity than it is to be the Detroit Lions."

Give till it hurts and then rest a little bit, lie about being in love, cuddle and give some more

You cheap bastards. Harvesters needs your help. I would donate but I only eat fast food and they don't have a receptacle for half eaten burritos.

With three weeks left in the organization's annual Check-Out Hunger campaign, Harvesters is more than $100,000 short of its $225,000 goal. Check-Out Hunger donation coupons are those $1, $5 and $10 black-and-white coupons available at checkout counters. The amount donated is added to a customer's grocery bill.

So help the good people at Harvesters, because nobody else in this city is nice enough to get rid of the unused cans of lima beans, cream corn and beets sitting in the back of your cupboard.

Metro Woman Honors Soldiers with CD

Just ask Toby Keith, there is no better way to support the troops than with bad country music. Or maybe you might want to quit mindlessly backing a war with no clear objectives and a mounting body count of American troops, but yeah I guess the country music is fine too.

Rejection

Lee's Summit's city staff wants to reject tax assistance for a $536 million retail project called City Walk & Village.

A report to be discussed tonight by the Lee's Summit Downtown Economic Stimulus Authority says the staff does not recommend spending an estimated $175 million in public money. The money would pay to relocate businesses, upgrade roads and cover other costs.

It's important to carefully plan development near Lee's Summit because you never know what kind of impact rush hour traffic and games at the Sports Complex will have on plans for economic growth. There's nothing like a traffic jam that puts people out of the mood to go shopping.

"Nigel Marcotte fought several minutes with whoever stabbed him at his home in Lenexa"

"There was blood in several areas of the house," Lenexa Detective Derrick Pierce said Monday.

Once again, my attention to this tragic story along with yours, proves that we only care when white people die. Or, only Black people have enemies or are involved with something that warrants their untimely death.

Greg Reeves asks the important questions

In a post that is sure to make you scared of the Internets, Greg Reeves asks: "Is your teen selling online sex?"

While I ask:

She's 18 right?

Good. Does she take a check?

Can I make payments?

Is it all right if I get a little rough?

Okay, no rough stuff but does she speak German?

No, I'm not a freak. Doesn't everybody like to be yelled at in German while getting it on?

Fine. I'm a freak. Now can I roll up The Star and spank her with it?

You don't take the Star, but how do you read Steve Penn's columns?

Heh, neither do I. That's funny. Now where is she?

I won't be long but can I take more than 5 minutes?

Okay, cool it probably won't take that long anyway.

MU system president gives away 6 percent raise

Hours after publicly announcing the raise, a spokesman for the system said Floyd would donate the $21,000 raise equally to fund-raising campaigns at the four campuses.

That's nice and it's a good career move but do you have any idea how many bong hits or how much Top Ramen and pizza 21k could buy?

Greedy bastard.

J.E. Dunn restructures operations

They are hiring a retired a retired army general to be president and CEO of the construction division and they are changing the name of their holding company to J.E. Dunn Construction Group.

It's important to know who is building on top of you.

All Wet

A new KCK development is making developers all wet.

A waterpark resort proposed for western Kansas City, Kan., would cost nearly $412 million, with up to half of that coming from bonds repaid with sales-tax revenue. Unified Government administrators said Monday they had struck a deal with Schlitterbahn Waterworks of New Braunfels, Texas, that calls for using up to $206 million in STAR bonds to help build the resort, including paying for parts of a $60 million covered river walk.

While some may say that this is a waste of money, actually it's a pretty good idea considering that it'll be the closest that many KCK residents will get to a shower.

KC Stand off ends without a dead civilian

A standoff yesterday involved a Black guy, PCP and a rifle and yet it didn't end with a hail of gunfire or death from high voltage tasers. Truly, this is the season of giving and I thank the KCPD for giving this guy a break even though the druggie bastard held up traffic and emptied two hotels.

God Bless us, every one . . . and our PCP.

Screw the Pallid Sturgeon!

I have no idea what has gotten into Gov. Blunt but his decision to abandon plans for a spring rise on the Missouri River seems like the right thing to do. I don't know why anyone would want to risk flooding thousands of acres of farmland in the state for the sake of some fish that probably doesn't even taste that good. Additionally, "KMBC's Micheal Mahoney reported that a group of Missourians are upset because they found out that if their farm fields flood because of the Missouri River, the Agriculture Department won't pay the crop insurance because it's an artificial flood -- not a natural one."

So environmentalists want to flood the river, wipe out crops and bankrupt farms. Now I'm finally starting to realize how even nude environmentalists don't seem to garner that much support.

Merriam Council Considers Bar Petition

People get shot all the time, but interfering with a bar making money is just completely unjust. Pushing the last legal drug is a proud American tradition.

Help stop child pornography by looking at some

Prosecutors ask for help in identifying alleged victims in an invasion of privacy case at a Northland Target store. The only thing more disgusting than the fact that some perv is out there taking photos of kids getting dressed and then going home to spank it is the way that the local news played up the scintillating fact that they got a hold of some dirty pictures.

St. Joseph Approves Ban On Funeral Protests

It's unconstitutional and yet I approve. If this war against terror is out to eradicate religious zealots who preach hate, they might as well persecute some white people who pretty much do the same thing as well.

Post Human Blues is up for a Zorgy

Unfortunately, the Zorgy Awards are given out by a blogger "to the deserving in the paranormalist community" and it isn't an invitation to a weird, alien orgy. Life is give and take.

Talk American

As much as I dislike it, there is a reason that a few people insist on everybody in this country speaking English. Ironically, oftentimes these are the same people who go to other countries and want everyone there to speak English as well . . . but . . . it is important that we all understand each other. That's why I encourage you all to learn Vietnamese and Spanish in order to score all the exotic tail that wouldn't otherwise be available to you.

Along these same lines, it's been recently brought to my attention that not everybody in the world is as cool as I am (that's what I thought in the first place) and not all of us know what "holla" means. Accordingly, I've changed the comment link back to its original setting. It may not matter much but I want to make sure that I'm understood by as many people as possible, unlike those white people at the mall who seem to speak their own language as they pose for one another . . . you know the type . . . Republicans.

By the way, the "holla" reference was a nod to one of my favorite rappers, Tupac. "Holla, if you hear me" was one of my favorite tracks of a misspent summer during my wasted youth. In no way at all was the "holla" comment tag related to Gwen Stefani's "Holla back girl" first of all because she's a sellout and secondly because it's a song about high school cheerleaders performed by a 35 year old woman.

Women Offended By "Fetus Tree"

Lawrence is quickly becoming the capital of bad taste for the state of Kansas. Everything is so politicized in that town that it makes me want to pull somebody over on a rural road and beat the shit out of them.

VoIP firm picks KC as startup spot

This PR story details an Internet phone service soon coming to KC.

Monopoly Madness

The Kansas City Channel reports today that an argument over a Monopoly game led to a local stabbing. Sad thing is, I totally understand this story. There is nothing more frustrating than getting your ass kicked at Monopoly. However, it was an over reaction. If one of the players was really mad, instead of hurting a person they should have just broken some glass in order to strike back at a local monopoly. Actually, that's a bad idea as well. That's why it's best to play with yourself when you get bored. There are cool game pieces (ewww) and it's a good way to ensure that nobody gets hurts.

Teen Allegedly Opens Fire After Dating Dispute

This is follow-up to the triple shooting link that I just posted. Apparently, it was a teenager gone mad over an underage dating dispute. KSHB reports "Family members of a shooting victim say a teenager upset over being told he couldn't date an underage girl retaliated against the girl's mother . . . Family members say one of the victims ordered a 17-year old to stay away from her 12-year-old daughter."

All is fair in love and war? In this case maybe, but only because it involves shooting children and their parents.

3 Wounded In Shooting At KC Apartment

And I shudder to think that the murder rate in this town would be so much higher if local thugs had better aim.

Man Locked In Jail For Month Before Police Realize Mistake

Dave Chappelle says that minorities have a name for people who think that they all look alike: Police officers.

A Day at the Maul

BlogKC provides the details of a recent Pitch cover story. Apparently, only a few of the malls in KC are doing well. Like everything else in this city, the phenomenon seems to be based on racial stereotypes. Which is odd, I'm a horrible racist but I'm not aware of any group of people who scare me so much that I wouldn't enjoy an Orange Julius in their company.

Run over

Once again, the season is a bust for the Chiefs. Here are a few thoughts about KC's 500 million dollar team.

1. Dick Vermeil is too old to coach a football team and Gunther is too. Coaches are supposed to be daddies to football players who often don't know their real fathers. Unfortunately, the KC coaching staff is far too old to fulfill that role and instead comes off looking like Grandpas who shouldn't even be trusted with the remote control.

2. Arm tackles: The defense is only good for arm tackles and serving as extras in the background on the highlight reels of opposing teams.

3. No class: Under pressure, you get a clue as to what kind of person you are . . . The Chiefs are comprised mainly of whiney coaches who get easily frustrated when the chips are down coupled with show boat players that are more comfortable at local bars or smacking around women than facing tough competition.

4. I told you so. This gives me no pleasure. Okay, yeah it does.

5. The same people who mindlessly support the Chiefs are akin to the people who mindlessly support the war in Iraq. While the Chiefs are soon to cost this town a lot of money just like Iraq, luckily the only lives in danger when it comes to the Chiefs are those of bar skanks and groupies . . . and as long as there are community colleges, there will always be a steady supply of those hookers.

Mullet over: Police chase isn't worth risk

The Star reports that two Independence teens suspected in a string of robberies were recently killed in a wreck. The occupants of stolen pickup truck allegedly had fled police, lost control of their vehicle and crashed into a tree.

Or cruel headline by hack writer still makes valid point. Stupidly. Additionally, why would the cops bother to chase these kids? Considering the value of the cars in that part of town, even an extensive series of car thefts would only amount to a loss of $150 bucks from the public and would not even qualify as a felony. Seems like the real danger to the public is from police chases and not (alleged) petty crooks.

Captain Obvious Unmasked: The Star's Mike Hendricks

In his latest column, The Star's Mike Hendricks reveals that Overland Park is dull. Sources tell me that he's working on more insightful columns.

Here's a sample of his upcoming work:

"Oral Sex: Feels good"

"Black people kill each other at an alarming rate East of Troost"

"There sure are a lot of Mexicans in the kitchens of KC restaurants"

"Winter in KC proves to be cold"

"Insipid writing contributes to circulation drop at The Star"

Fire Destroys EMT's Home In Rural Jackson County

A touching story about emergency service personnel banding together during tragedy should warm the heart of every person waiting for an ambulance in KC.

Baby's first kill

Missouri hunters age 15 and younger can get certificates suitable for framing to commemorate their first deer kill. The documents might also prove useful in devising an effective insanity defense for murderous rampages later in life.

Nixon Cautions About Zero-percent Financing Deals

High interest financing is the lubricant used to screw fools out of their money.

Will online grain trading take off?

Farms Technology L.L.C. of Kansas City, Mo. is an online commodity trading for farmers. According to this article: "Farms Technology rose from the ashes of other companies in the famous "dot.com" explosion/implosion of five years ago. Tatge describes his company as an online platform that allows producers to make target offers to sell specific quantities for specific delivery periods."

Or yet another platform for white people to gamble while this town's darkies are stuck pouring money down the slots. However, at least suckers who go broke won't be left starving as well. How do you cook 20,000 pounds of under priced soybeans?

Laying pipe in the suburbs

A recent story reports that tobacco smoking accessories are still available in the suburbs. While the people of KC proper know that our police keep us safe from bongs, futons and bad music.

I've got your big tent!

Local blogger Cara reports that Kansas Republicans are having a hard time keeping it together. In Cara's opinion, JoCo Republican leader Doug Patterson seems to be a bit of an extremist. She pleads:

You and your minions need to put down your Left Behind books and opposition research and do something POSITIVE for the party in Johnson County - before we lose yet another congressional election.

Clearly, this local blogger has a point. Dennis Moore's domination of the district seems to be a byproduct of Republican mistakes rather than his acumen. Ironically, the (white people) Republicans of JoCo seem to be involved in so much bickering, infighting and discord that they nearly resemble the Black community that drove them to the suburbs in the first place.

Holiday Cab in KC

Call (816) 276-7899 and let your only holiday regrets be confined to causal sex with ugly, skanky strangers and a huge credit card bill. Put simply, you can go ahead and kill yourself but try not to harm innocent people on the road you drunk bastard.

Film industry is alive and well in Missouri

A film geek writes a letter back to a St. Louis rag. He cites tons of great info about film production in KC and STL and urges the Show-Me state to keep tax credits for the fledgling industry.

Limits On BTK Killer's Prison Life Still Not Considered

The dude is SOL if the thinks that he'll get to indulge in the cool porn, video games and online dating available to other inmates.

"We are winning"

Last night, President Bush gave one of the best speeches in defense of the Iraq war in the history of his Administration. His words were inspiring, strong and brave.

Too bad none of it will change the deteriorating situation in Iraq.

Obviously, I'm not a smart man but you don't have to be a genius to figure out that things aren't going well. In fact, despite talks of elections, freedom, liberation, purple fingers (ewwww) and sweet, sweet oil revenue there is only one statistic that counts when it comes to talking about the war in Iraq: The body count of American soldiers.

See, as much as people like Christopher Hitchens want to talk about the moral imperative of fighting a war against Islamo-fascism in the end it just seems to be the never ending story of white people coming to kill brown people and then telling them how to live. Now this sometimes works, but most of the time it's a doomed effort because nowadays there are too many cameras around to get in the way of the hardcore murder, slavery and genocide that was required to build this nation's empire. Secondly, Hitchens and other defenders of this war are wrong if they think that anybody really gives a fuck about the lives, liberty or well being of the Iraqi people. Nobody, not even filthy hippie anti-war activists, gives a shit about the Iraqis for any other reason but political capital. We've been killing Iraqi babies through sanctions and bombing since the days of Clinton and that news doesn't even rate higher than the various incarnations of the South Beach Diet.

What keeps this war rolling is fear, telling everybody that the war in Iraq keeps the fight against terrorists overseas rather than on American soil is a smart tactic but I'm not sure that it's true. I was fighting Iraqis for good parking spaces and library books at UMKC in the late 90's. If a few radical right wing fanatics weren't so busy trying to kick all of the Mexicans out of the country, they might see that the war in Iraq hasn't shut down a single convenience store, cell phone kiosk or other breeding grounds for terrorism. Instead, they fight a war against an army of Mexicans armed with leaf blowers who bring the wrath of low prices, good food and hot Latina poon.

And as far as the Iraqis and their own self-determination, if you think that Iraqi army, their faux democracy or anybody in that entire nation wouldn't jump ship, sell out or surrender if the U.S. wasn't there to back them up . . . then your depth of understanding of politics and warfare does not surpass Rambo: First Blood II.

More and more, the occupation of Iraq is starting to look like Vietnam. There just isn't a good way to get out of this thing. I agree that withdrawal will make the U.S. (you people) look horrible in the eyes of the world but soon enough the number of dead American soldiers will make everyone forget about saving face. And once again, we'll be faced with the hard lessons that humanity never seems to learn: That war isn't noble, it's just organized murder. That people have a right to self-determination even if their culture is stupid and oppressive. And that just because it looks and sounds good on TV doesn't mean it's true.

"Juicy Cooter" for sale in rural Missouri

The "Mizzourah accent" is a proud tradition just like Jesus on the radio. I don't need to tell you that you have a pretty mouth at least compared to all the yokels on the side of the road on the drive to St. Louis.

Do the bus stop

Local blogger Heidi recounts her latest bus adventure story: "I turned around to see three KCPD narcotics officers cuffing a guy in the back of the bus."

With friends like these

Mirecki's own colleagues don't back him up, so why should anybody else?

"We repudiate the inappropriate comments in publicized (e-mails) of one of our faculty members, even though we continue to appreciate his scholarly work and teaching," the postcard from Friends of the Department of Religious Studies said.

I still find it hard to believe that a few persistent and otherwise brilliant people believe this guy's story. Especially given his erratic behavior after the alleged incident. Obviously, someone who studies religion is an expert in dealing with stories that are completely made up.

(I love you Jesus ;) *wink)

Cauthen lays out plan for projects

Cauthen recently sent a memo to the City Council outlining more than $100 million worth of special projects council members and civic organizations have endorsed but that do not have identified sources of funding.

Here are the top four projects on which Cauthen wants to waste money this town doesn't have:

American Royal improvements: Don't know why, if you go there then you're used to living in shit.

American Royal master plan: Why do they need money for that? Screwing your sister and hoping that your prize pig pulls in rent money is hardly a plan.

Music Hall improvements: $9 million bucks for shows that you're just gonna sleep through anyway.

Police academy roadway improvements: Shut up Grandma or you get the taser, cops get their road work done first.

Performing arts center: Slap the next rich music lover you know. When they ask why, send them a link to this post. The PAC is an insult to everybody in town without a trust fund. If we're gonna give millions of this town's money to bitchy white women, I'd rather they be strippers.

Investigators: Bank Robber Could Be in 70s

So that's what they mean when they talk about "supplementing" your retirement.

Precious Doe Judge Recuses Himself

Life is precious, until it interferes with a public hanging. Even a local judge can't figure this one out.

Follow the money

I've met Jim Rowland before, because he is tall and white I automatically assume that he is not only better than me but also that he has integrity and the ability to lead. However, recently Rowland has been hopping around like a little girl from one career path to another. Last month he wanted to be County Executive and now he is under consideration to become the next executive director of the Jackson County Sports Complex Authority.

The possibility of hiring Rowland surfaced as Jackson County nears the end of long-running negotiations with the teams for new leases and repairs at Kauffman and Arrowhead stadiums. The talks include the possibility of hundreds of millions of dollars from taxpayers to pay for upgrades.

The fallout from Rowland's career change? Mayor Kay (read: Steve Glorioso) will have to choose a new Council member and Mike Sanders (read: Dieter from Sprokets) won't look like such a wimp by comparison in his race for County Executive.

However, what this really means is that all the political action in this town revolves around the money that KC taxpayers are going to be swindled into giving to the stadiums. Rowland could easily run for Mayor. But who needs the heartache? Not when there is so much money and so many contacts to be made from taking this city to the cleaners on behalf of billionaire sports franchise owners and perennially mediocre sports teams.

Like I said, I once really respected Rowland but his current career hopping makes it seem as if he's obviously looking out for himself far more than the people of KC.

Local Latinos will never like the Aguirre center

Don't let today's KC Star article about the newly remodeled Aguirre Center mislead you. They can hand out free money in front of the place and it still won't meet the community's approval.

Two reasons that the Aguirre Center has been a failure:

1. There was little community input. They hired a Latina developer that has since disappeared from public view. City officials didn't talk to the people that lived here for generations about the design or construction. This basic lack of respect will always be an insult to longtime residents and if my family is any indication, Mexicans can hold a grudge forever. It's nearly impossible to build anything in the suburbs without consulting dozens of white people, local Chicanos (mistakenly) feel they should be given the same respect. Incidentally, this is why condo developers in this part of town face so many hurdles.

b. And this is tricky and I'm trying to be a better person about it everyday but generally speaking Mexicans don't like Blacks. My sweet, lovable and wonderful Grandma who has never hurt a person (that wasn't related) in her life once bragged that a Black person had never stepped foot in her home. The Aguirre Center is frequented by Black kids from a surrounding housing project and little Chicano kids embarrassingly losing at basketball gets old after a while.

You'll see more neighborhood participation at the nearby dilapidated Sacred Heart gym than you will find at the posh Aguirre place. It's further away from the two Black enclaves on the Westside and you have to be a "parishioner" to use the facilities . . . do the math yourself. Anyway, the story of the Aguirre Center is that it's pretty much a waste for the reasons that I've offered. Essentially, it's a community center without a community. And while the reasons for its lack of utilization are unkind and ugly, they are probably more honest than the PR that emanates from Country Club Kay and The Star.

Glitch better have my money

A computer glitch held up direct deposits to companies across the country and at least a handful in Kansas City.

I'm sure that the Banks will welcome you hanging out at their facilities since you don't have any money this weekend to do anything else.

Medicare receipts might have been doctored

According to federal authorities, two local doctors and a bunch of Kansas City businessmen have been charged with a multimillion dollar fraud scheme to bill Medicare for expensive motorized wheelchairs for patients who didn't need them and a few who didn't even get the wheelchairs.

Four men who owned or operated medical supply businesses - Godwin Iloka, 38, of Lee's Summit; Raphael Igbokwe, 49, of Kansas City; his brother Kennedy Igbokwe, a 27-year-old Nigerian citizen; and Roland Edomobi - and two doctors - Amazair McAllister, 48, of Blue Springs, and Ambrose Wotorson, 70, of Kansas City - were charged in a criminal complaint filed Monday in U.S. District Court in Kansas City and unsealed Thursday. They are accused of defrauding Medicare of more than $2.3 million.

And here's the thing, people once respected doctors, they looked up to those in the medical profession. And now, not so much. I don't know anybody who doesn't believe that a hospital or a nurse or a doctor was somehow involved in murdering a relative. We all hear stories about over worked nurses or a doctor with thousands of patients that they see in between visits to their mistress. I know that the first thing people might note when reading this story is the (allegedly) crooked African medical supply businesses men who could have been behind this scam but it's important to realize that the entire medical system is set up in such a manner that many people cut corners to make a buck. I've been to hospitals and I've seen nurses with bloodshot eyes who have seen far too many shifts in a row. I don't blame them but I know there is an executive somewhere that crunched the numbers, did a cost/benefit analysis and discovered that is was profitable to overwork the poor lady no matter how much danger it poses to her or her patients.

Nationalized healthcare sounds like a commie idea but look at the alternative. Whether it's an over worked nurse or a pharmacist who wants to increase his pay by selling water to cancer sufferers, with a medical system that is based on the bottom line there is just no way to completely trust medical providers . . . especially not with your life.

Man Wins Large Settlement in Police Discrimination Case

Apparently, the KCPD needs young officers to rough up Grandmas.

(And no, I'm never letting it go until they apologize to the old bitch.)

Rim Job

In a local murder case with political connections, police are looking for expensive wheel rims that were missing from David Exposito's Ford Thunderbird after he was killed earlier this week. Apparently, the former Mr. McCaskill liked fancy cars and accessories far more that a bitchy, old, power hungry woman. And who could blame him? I'm starting to like the guy already, too bad he's dead.

Investigators said the wheel rims, which are worth $4,700, will lead them to the shooter, but it's unclear whether the rims were the motive behind the slaying.

Humm, they could be on to something. I know that I've told several people that anybody stupid enough to spend big money on tires should be fucking shot and then beaten and raped . . . in that order.

Blunt: Ameren Should Pay Costs From Dam Breach

Hot damn, I never thought I'd agree with our Governor on a damn thing. Damn it.

Return to sender

This local blogger posts a link to a story that describes the one X-mas card you absolutely don't want to get.

KC Kitty shows you how to eat out

I love this blog, it not only provides great local entertainment tips but it also keeps me coming up with pussy references. This latest post details a coupon service for local restaurants.

The Chiefs are number one

The NFL has fined Gunther Cunningham $5,000 for flipping the bird as the Chiefs lost to Dallas last Sunday. For some reason, the local television news is blurring out his hand because your eyes are much to sensitive to see something on TV that you view daily on your commute to work. None of that bullshit here, if you're grown up enough to watch a team full of woman beaters and all kinds of reprobates than you can handle somebody giving the finger.

While the Chiefs front office is playing down the mini-controversy, I think they should fight it. Gunther might have just been showing what place in which the Chiefs will never finish, or Larry Johnson's IQ, or the people who really respect Trent Green, or how many touchdowns the Chiefs will lose by in all the games during the remainder of the season. Or maybe not.

What this gesture does prove is that you should tell your kids that these guys are creeps, they aren't heroes, they aren't role models and they aren't anybody you would want to hang around if they weren't overpaid Prima donnas that our society has decided to reward for abusing their bodies and providing public displays of violence. And I like football, I just never had any illusions that it was anything more than a business.

Thank you

I try to put this message up every so often but sometimes I'm just too busy looking at pornography. Anyway, thank you very much for reading this week and an extra special thanks if you left a comment. I know the holiday season is hectic and you don't have a lot of time in between pushing around old women at the malls. Your patronage is always appreciated, even if you were just looking for horse fucking pics that included the KC skyline. Once again, thank you for reading and have a fun and safe Saturday night.

One year later

One year ago today Bobbie Joe Stinnett was murdered and her unborn baby was cut from her womb. It's not exactly an anniversary you'd want to commemorate but the people of Skidmore are holding a vigil tomorrow night in order to help Becky Harper, the child's grandmother. Apparently, there is a nasty custody battle that involves the details of the case:

Harper is in a legal battle with Zeb Stinnett over her visitation with the child. Stinnett and Harper disagree over how much the child should be told about the circumstances of her mother's death. Earlier this year, Stinnett cut Harper's visitation. Harper petitioned the court to get more time with Victoria Jo.

Lisa Montgomery who was arrested and charged with cutting out the fetus is still in jail. While the rest of us wait for the next wacky item on the local news.

That's powerful ciphering!

KC Infozine reports that Missouri adults score significantly higher than adults in the rest of the country on nearly every measure of literacy. So you'll have to find another explanation why everybody voted for Matt Blunt. Moonshine maybe.

The (allegedly) dumbest white guys in the world have been caught

Remember that hotel robbery spree in deep JoCo? Well, the cops made a couple of arrests and may have inadvertently come up with a recipe of sorts for prison rape. Just add these ingredients:

An 18-year-old Overland Park resident and a 20-year-old Lenexa resident can be seen in surveillance video from the Sheraton Hotel on College Boulevard stealing a plasma screen television.

Let them marinate in a jail full of hardened criminals. Add a bit of holiday blues and voilà!

Please, JoCo parents, tell your kids about the reality of life in prison when you buy them their first gangsta rap CD.

More photos from inside the Nelson expansion

Local blog Three O'Clock in the Morning provides more great pics from inside the new addition to the Nelson. They're great pics and I have to admit that the inside of the place looks pretty cool. See for yourself.

Dog Days

Locals mourn two dogs killed in a KCK burglary. Consoling them with Korean food isn't a good idea.

KC Council debate continues on municipal judge retirement age

A battle over retirement "benefits" should make your euphemism meter explode.

Persecutor

The Jackson County prosecutor is getting tired of putting Black people in jail and now he wants to run for County Executive. And sadly it looks like appearing on Dr. Phil has softened him up, which is bad because he's pretty soft to begin with . . . sit ups bitch.

The Star notes that he isn't attacking Katheryn Shields right out of the gate and that he's trying to move away from "the long tradition of vitriol and name-calling that has pervaded county government." Pussy.

Councilman/Captain America look-alike Jim Rowland is also seeking the post. In the old days, they would have just met on the steps of the courthouse and beat the shit out of each other in the afternoon. The winner would get the job. It would have been a good fight too. Shields would quickly lay waste to Sander's pansy ass. But in the end, Rowland would've won the day with a throat punch or something similar . . . he has a longer reach than her.

Anyway, the smart money says that this race to be in charge of the county's checkbook will get ugly before it's over.

Kris Kobach, please stay in Cali

I guess there aren't enough Mexicans around KC for Kris Kobach to persecute so he's taking his act on the road in order to keep brown kids out of college.

Kris Kobach, who filed the Kansas litigation, was asked to join the California team of lawyers suing that state's public university system in an attempt to overturn the tuition law there. Kobach is a law professor at the University of Missouri-Kansas City. He ran unsuccessfully to represent Kansas ’ 3rd Congressional District in 2004.

Kobach's effort to make life harder for a handful of Mexicans students at KU was ultimately unsuccessful. His Congressional run gave Republicans a sound beating. And I wonder if picking a loser like this to represent the anti-immigration crowd isn't somehow fitting. Arguing against cheap labor and lower prices is akin to pissing in the wind in a culture that wants everything (including white women) quick and cheap.

Actually, I wish Kobach a lot of luck, he's gonna need if he couldn't build a consensus here and is now forced to travel to a place where whites are the minority.

Today's KC Body Count: 123

This is the worst record for murder in KC in 7 years.

Kansas City’s homicide tally now exceeds 1999’s total of 122 but remains lower than the 133 recorded in 1998. The record of 153 was set in 1993.

Sadly, my New Year's resolution will most likely be to be more productive as well.

Breaking News

I will forgo the requisite "people who live in glass houses" reference regarding the recent hilarious damage to the KC Star's new production facility.

However, I will note that I don't know how people can trust an organization that didn't see this one coming. The building soon to house this town's rag is a nearly all glass structure in a downtown that is abandoned after 5 p.m., away from all of the redevelopment and within shooting range from the highway.

The rag is so out of touch with reality that they believe all of the redevelopment hype that they print and are surprised that their expensive windows are great targets for transients, vandals and other malcontents that want to find a way to shatter The Star's monopolistic control of the printed word in this town.

Coalition Working to Save Lives on Missouri Roads

Encouraging people to fly.

Loveable Larry Johnson is bad for business

After a short 7 months in business, sleazy Plaza nightclub The Drink is now history. Unfortunately, nasty ass limo shuttles, skylights and the floor show put on by Larry Johnson and one of his bitches couldn't save the place.

Don't worry, there are plenty of places around town for the Chiefs to beat the shit out of their women and engage in causal sex. Now that the season is pretty much over, (admit it damn you) there's plenty of time for "recruiting."

Man Attacked With Gardening Tool

I'm telling you people, these hoes will kill you.

Taxes up 520% in the Crossroads

Apparently, KC artists need tax breaks if they are going to stay in the Crossroads.

"If the city doesn't get its (stuff) together, I'm packing up and going to Kansas City, Kan.," said Stretch, an artist who owns a restaurant in the Crossroads and a sculpture garden on Locust.

Stretch said the taxes on one of his properties went up 520 percent.

That's a lot of sculptures to sell to white people with too much money. But if this city can't push around artists, then who are we gonna bully? Here's a compromise: Stretch gets a tax break because he's cool and successful. All other KC artists will be reimbursed for their rising taxes with write offs for recreational drug use, hours spent talking too loudly at bars and coffee houses about stuff they're only pretending to understand, all trendy t-shirt purchases over $30 and bad haircuts. These write offs should help even things out between the different brands of white people that pretty much all look the same to me. (I mean, c'mon. Is there any difference between a white guy wearing a suit or a Killers t-shirt? They've all got the same daddy with money.)

Four Fort Riley Soldiers Killed In Iraq

Drawn Together

Local artist Parrish pens a fantastic post calling for unity among KC's comic artists.

Now, nine tenths of the comics in this town may be crap, but . . . Why pull up the ladder? Musicians don't do it, the 'real'* arts world doesn't do it, the dance world doesn't do it. Why should comics be exclusionary? There's a lot of people in this town who should have the opportunity to explore, if only a little while, the art form. Discouraging them only dries up the readership pool.

I pretty much feel the same way about everything but macaroni art, I am the best macaroni artist in KC and I think everybody else should just quit. That's why every time one of my younger cousins brings me their work, I crush it and yell at them. "You'll never beat me. Give it up you little punk. I am the king of macaroni art and you're just a scared little, brown punk. Go back to Mexico and take your white mom with you! We don't need her either."

Yeah, community is a wonderful thing taken in small doses. I've heard the same thing about X but I like my spinal fluid way too much to find out.

The Stranger Returns

If you know anything at all about the KC blogosphere, you know that The Stranger was one of Kansas City's best local voices. Well, after a hiatus that was much too long, The Stranger is back!

It was strange without him. He was one of the only members of the local media to take the time and talk to City Council Member Saundra McFadden Weaver and he provided some hilarious flash cartoons featuring Country Club Kay.

Well, I'm happy that he's taken up blogging again and I'm not at all scared that this town's blogosphere is soon to be a strange place once again.

"I feel more out of place than Steve Urkel at a Klan meeting."

Local teenage blogger Mr. Cellophane reports from the front lines of the War on Christmas: The high school X-Mas/holiday concert.

THE MIRECKI FILES

Asian reporter (I've always wanted to write that) Michele Malkin takes apart Professor Mirecki's tall tale expertly in her recent column. I don't usually agree with her, but on this one I think she's right and my only surprise is that she didn't discover that the real perpetrators were illegal Mexican immigrants.

Anyway, normally an Asian woman has to be at least topless to get me to believe her story.

Scion Nextup Winner: KC's own Reach

I'm not sure exactly how to write this post because I like Scion cars but I don't like corporate marketing. I was all set to rant about hipsters, faux street cred and my standard discontent regarding all the things I can't afford but then I took a second to listen to "Comin' for You" by Ruskin High grad Reach and it completely won me over. The tune has mad flow, a really nice jazz guitar riff and a beat that's reminiscent of Sade's early (read: better) work. Put simply, it's how KC rap is supposed to sound.

Reach was recently profiled in The Pitch after he first won the contest. It's the standard, "I know everything before you, I hang out in clubs and talk to Black people and I'm so alternative that my corporate daddy sometimes doesn't like handing over my check" fare and it plays up the nice guy angle to an absurd degree. What's more important is that Reach obviously has skill. I don't care if a rapper brakes for puppies or takes care of his illegitimate children, what's more important is his work and not an image. Again, I'm in the minority here because it's clear that hip-hop fans have a taste for the mush mouthed stylings of Jay-Z and the like who put more thought into their videos than their music.

Anyway, I like Reach. I like Reach so much that I don't mind plugging a car that's affordable for some but still far out of my paltry price range. And, in the end, I guess it's cool that a clearly good guy got a little pocket change and a chance at fame for his talent. Listen for yourself.

The Best Albums, Songs and Shows of 2005

Local blogger Happy in Bag also runs a great music blog entitled: "There Stands the Glass." He's put together a pretty amazing list that also includes the best local shows of the past year.

Live Music Is Like Mistletoe For Your Soul

Once again, thank you to the event driver for this weekly list of links and shows.

Click the link above for info on:

Big Bad VooDoo Daddy at Harrahs...
Jason Aldean at The Beaumont...
Trampled Under Foot at O'Dowd's Zona...
Dan Doran at Pete's Inn...
Valentine at Plaza III...
Links to Davey's Uptown, Grand Emporium, The Brick, The Hurricane,
75th Street Brewery, Blue Moose, Folly Theater, Cup and Saucer...and more