2000th post

At 2000 posts this blog has more readers, more content and more stupid commentary than at any other time in its short (almost) two year history.

Thank you for visiting, thank you for taking an interest in Kansas City or at least the way I describe it. And thank you for being able to take a joke . . . 2000 of them, in fact.

Just Desserts

The JoCo moveable feast known as Arrowhead Stadium has recently hosted a few uninvited guests, and I'm not referring to the few minorities in the stands.

Health inspectors will be back at an Arrowhead concession stand Thursday to make sure the cockroaches are gone.

One of the six Jack Stack's at the stadium was shut down this past weekend for violations, and the NBC Action News Investigations finds that stand is not alone.

Somehow I think this is fitting. When all of KC picks up the tab for football games that most of us can't afford to watch in person, at least a few tiny, filthy, dirty residents (other than Mexicans) should enjoy the food at the game.

First Fridays in Kansas City's Crossroads District This December

As much as I make fun of all the poser kids in the Crossroads on First Friday, it still seems like a pretty good time. I drove through there with my girlfriend and we played "spot the minority" (Asian people don't count) and we had a blast.

Seriously, this December's First Friday sounds fun. "The Goonies" and hot chocolate, now that's art. Do the Truffle Shuffle.

Blunt Announces $8 Million Jump in DOR Audit Collections

OR Matt Blunt gives working people from Missouri yet another reason to hate him.

Car Sale Ends In Violence

A bizarre robbery that was also a repossession attempt . . . the buyer came back, this time with an Uzi and took the truck as well as cash and jewelry from the seller's home.

Wishing your punk ass a Merry X-Mas and a crunked up New Year.

KCMO Teachers Speak Out

They said 'Enough is enough' and several Kansas City teachers staged a 'sick out' in protest. But the story is far from over . . . Now those teachers and their union will address the school board at its meeting on Wednesday night.

Good for them, I'm sure it's possible but teachers are one of the few groups of professionals who can't be replaced by outsourcing cheap foreign labor. I hope.

JoCo consumer confidence improves

Those penis pills must really be working.

I don't know exactly how you measure this kind of "growth." How can you tell someone from Johnson County is more confident? Do they cut off people in traffic with greater speed? Are they molesting more baby sitters? Casual drug use is down? I know, consumer confidence in JoCo could be measured by all the precious things (cars, homes, jewelry, golf equipment) they collect to stave off death and the feeling of emptiness. Cool, but beer does the same thing.

Family Robbed At Home After Shopping Trip

Just after walking in, the victim said two black men, dressed in dark clothing and carrying handguns, came in through the same door.

Police said that the men took the woman's purse and her shopping bag from Wal-Mart, along with several other items from the house.

That robbery is horrible, I can't believe people still shop at Wal-Mart. Employees who aren't allowed to unionize and often forced to work off the clock are getting robbed. Oh, yeah Black guys with guns . . . That's bad too but probably wouldn't make the news if their victims were Black.

Kindergartner Poked In Eye With Fork

The injured 5-year-old had his eye lens removed during surgery Monday night and went home from the hospital Tuesday, said his mother, Tina Robinson. He will have surgery for a lens implant later.

I don't care what the right says, it's time for sex education if little kids in St. Joe are going to go around and fork each other. Maybe some of the injury could have been averted if the kids used condoms while they where forking.

No Mas

Just like one of the greatest fighters of all time, Sirvinegar says 'No Mas' to NaNoWriMo but still bravely finishes 30 days of writing. Congratulations to all the contestants . . . it takes courage to even get inside the ring.

Parking rules save KC from bad Cuban food

In this article, The Star's criticism of downtown parking regulations has absolutely nothing to do with their new digs and penchant for dining at posh eateries. Like every other kind of local developer, restaurant owners want zoning exceptions because high-end dining will ultimately save this city and curb the murder rate in this town. Heaven forbid that lowly street vendors get this kind of consideration from The Star or City Hall.

For more on the plight of street vendors go to BlogKC. And for God's sake, be careful what you do with plantain.

Missouri among leaders in swats

Some kids in Missouri still get spanked. Unfortunately, this practice is not employed in the KCMO School District where administrators are in desperate need of a spanking, far more than the kids.

The article doesn't mention what earns corporal punishment but I imagine is works something like this:

- Mention Missouri's slave state history: That's a paddlin'

- Questioning the war in Iraq: That's a paddlin'

- Making fun of Matt Blunt's hair and crooked smile: That's a paddlin'

- Asking why only the poor white kids and the minorities get paddled: That's a paddlin'

- Jumping in a river raft with your homie Jim and paddlin' down the river to escape the stupidity and violence of the adults in your state: Oh, that's definitely a paddlin'.

Johnson County facility cited as one of the nation’s very best

All right, we get it already. JoCo is wonderful. All the women are white, have big boobs, blonde hair and flexible legs. There is endless prosperity and even the exploited Mexican workers throw a smile your way. Truly, Johnson County is the embodiment of all of the great things noted in the song, "Big Rock Candy Mountain." Thank you, Kansas City Johnson County Star for extolling the virtues of the community in which so many of your writers reside.

Was Phil Kline part of the scheme that lead Adam Taff to plead guilty?

This Lawrence blogger links to an unconfirmed rumor.

Frankly, I'm not sure that speculating on alleged illegal activities is that smart or effective. And the second link in questions seems to be making a lot of connections based on supposition. There are enough reasons to despise Phil Kline for the perfectly legal actions that he has perpetrated.

You would've been impressed (or something) today at the size of my gigantic balls!

A day in the life of the college student behind local blog Pomegranate Pretty.

JCCC Newspaper Photo, Headline Causes Stir

OR, the parents of college students once again underestimate the skankiness of their daughters. The shot is actually pretty tame in comparison with what average college hos engage in during Spring Break.

Additionally, has anybody else ever noticed that when female athletes cut loose, they really cut loose? Seriously, their almost as bad as Catholic broads and their training gives them much more endurance. Too bad most of them are lesbian. Burp.

Home Invaders Take Money, SUV

Cut and run before they have a chance to "democratize" the residents.

Blue Valley Considers Removing Morrison Book

OR, In the suburbs, Black people aren't even acceptable in printed form.

This book banning thing just strikes me as weird. I could never imagine being worried about the contents of a book when half of the kids in that school district are constantly living out their thug life fantasies via Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

Boo-fucking-hoo: The mansions in Mission Hills get cold sometimes

Read this story about the hardships of Mission Hills housewives and realize that nature equals us all. Presidents, priests, popes and plumbers all poop. (heh) And during this season, we're all bound by the same instinct to stay warm. While most of us don't have to worry about keeping a plush residence heated, it's still pretty important to make sure that our hovel is at least somewhat livable.

Additionally, watching this story was hilarious because for some reason all of these poor Mission Hills housewives all wear the same sweater. The desperate housewives did their best to seem pissed off but somehow I think they knew that 99.9 percent of the world's population would eat their left foot if it meant having the "problems" that cause these bitches to whine.

Richmond Officer Accused Of Sex Crimes

OR, To protect and service . . . your kids.

School's Out

Everybody has heard of the stripper who is paying her way through college. This bullshit line works for young tramps until they are about 30 years old. By that time, they have either caught some sucker in a complicated confidence scam that probably involves a baby or they are so hopelessly addicted to some illicit substance that the subterfuge no longer matters.

Sadly, students must continue to be creative while financing their education because they're getting less help from the state and the federal government.

Locally, Mizzou President recently abandoned his tuition freeze plan and wants lawmakers to pick up the slack instead. The college official now proposes a scheme that would link tuition increases to inflation. So sometime at the end of the month you'll be forced to make the decision between Top Ramen and textbooks. Additionally, Cleaver and Moore are speaking out against financial aid cuts but put together they have as much credibility as one of the spokespersons for NORML who also lobby the college set in search of support.

I guess the most important thing that educated people should learn is that it's best to be born to rich parents. A rich and powerful parent can not only get you into a great school but also finance your many failed businesses along with your bid for the White House. Of course, the next best option is to marry rich and then find a good divorce lawyer. Sadly, they don't teach you any of this stuff in school.

KU Professor Apologizes for Intelligent Design Email

Yesterday, local talk radio hosts just ran this subject right into the ground. They are probably the only people in world who really give a shit about what a college professor thinks. Ironically, most if not all of the students are too busy chasing tail to care about evolution.

Prosecutor Upgrades Murder Charge to First-Degree in Platte County Case

A second-degree murder charge against a Kansas City man accused of raping a woman and killing her husband has been upgraded to first-degree murder.

Or, Local (alleged) dirtbag gets a promotion.

KCMO Detectives Involved in Crash

Don't you hate surprises? Like accidentally making sweet love to a long lost relative or crashing into a cop or unknowingly trying to buy sex from a cop. Yeah, surprises suck almost as much as car crashes.

Update: It was a pregnant woman who hit the cops with an SUV. Pregnant women are another surprise I can't stand.

Convicted Felon Named to KCK Community College Board

This may not be such a bad thing. It's about time that somebody started "keeping it real" on college campuses and setting people straight. Someone who might tell the Gay, Lesbian and Transgender student alliance that homosexuality is not always a valid expression of love . . . especially in prison. OR a guy that could bitch slap a few college Republicans until they forgot about how cool Alex P. Keaton was in Family Ties.

However, the guy isn't really that bad since he doesn't deny his criminal past and it was basically a white collar crime (bribery) that sent him to jail. Tell me there's going to be a reformed pimp or a drug dealer on the college board and that's a story.

Chiefs player's assault case continued again

OR Local judge finally finds a way to motivate Chiefs during the playoffs. Now if we could only get all the other miscreants playing for the Chiefs thrown into his courtroom . . .

Oh, and when you watch the game with your kids be sure to tell them about this last passage from the KMBZ story before you mention the lies about hard work and sportsmanship being the true mark of a champion:

The case is being watched by Johnson County, Kan., prosecutors, who could reinstate a 2003 charge accusing Johnson of slapping a woman in his Leawood home and threatening her with a gun. Johnson agreed to enter a domestic-violence diversion program to avoid prosecution. As part of the deal, he was ordered to stay out of legal trouble for two years.

What a prince! That's certainly someone I want to go out a cheer for . . . I wonder if he says "Bitch, better have my 500 million!" on behalf of his organization after he scores a touchdown at Arrowhead?

Police Help Local Women Learn Safety

The local police often run the same old self-defense course but I wanna help too, so here are a few tips I'd like to offer:

- Never believe anything a man says.

- Buy your own home and never expect a guy to take care of you.

- Learn how to make a sandwich in less than 2 minutes . . . with no complaints.

- Do not date Kobe Bryant.

- Realize that a guy with a great job, huge penis, nice car, no kids and a mom who loves you is either gay or currently married to someone more attractive and interesting than you.

- Unless you're fighting an Asian guy, never believe for a second that you can beat a man in a no-holds barred streetfight. Best thing to do is run and crap your pants so that he won't want you any more . . . I've really heard this works.

- You face a greater danger from the random dudes you invite in your home for casual sex than from some guy on the street.

Stay safe and remember that uncomfortably shifting your purse when a minority walks past is just gonna piss them off and won't really protect you. Better just to shout racial epithets or don't walk to your car at night by yourself.

The Ghosts of Kansas City

In one amazing post a local blogger not only perfectly describes his fondness for one of this town's often overlooked monuments but also completely exposes the illogical reasoning supporting the present construction boom that has captivated the city.

Local blogger Bill provides a bit of history:

Built in 1936, the building has housed political conventions and basketball Final Fours. It's been marred by a few contemporary additions, but Municipal maintains most of its original artful flair . . . I'm not going to claim that Municipal Auditorium is literally filled with ghosts. But I will say that its weight of time and history are very heavy.

And then he paints a dim view of a future where city planners ignore the foundations of this town in favor of their own pipe dreams.

I was puzzled by the disregard the old building received in the debates leading to the groundbreaking on the new Sprint facility. Sure, Municipal's corridors are a little tight on the rare occasion when attendance passes 5,000. And the concessions can be spotty. But when premiere events currently held at Municipal don't attract much of a crowd, I don't know how they'll fare better in a bigger space.

Obviously, this local blogger has yet to see the light ($$$$$) and all of the opportunity ($$$$$) that local stadium building will provide . . . If not for the people of Kansas City, then at least for professional athletes, franchise owners, out-of-town construction companies and a few lucky supporters that may or may not hold political office.

From Slogans to Strategies: Ingram's editorial

Actually, this is a pretty decent list of ideas for the future of Kansas City that has nothing to do with locking up Black people and broadcasting exploiting the grieving relatives of the victims of violent crime for political gain.

Here's a sample:

"Given the focus on transportation, we should develop a metro-wide fixed rail master plan that builds upon other transportation systems."

Additionally, the column accurately criticizes the lack of leadership coming from City Hall:

"For all of the talk about positioning, Kansas City has not had a fully viable plan of action since the cows went west and Charlie Parker headed east."

A few more reasons to hate Mexicans

This article from Ingram's details thinly veiled racism coupled with pious and impractical solutions to the U.S. need for cheap labor. Read my take on the meeting which contains more jokes and a few interesting references to anal sex and Nazis.

BlogKC: NY Times on gentrification in The Crossroads

BlogKC links to a NY Times story that details the plight of starving artists pushed out of an area they made profitable. No mention of all the Mexican-Americans and their homes in the nearby Westside that greedy crossroads developers have recently begun to covet.

Dropping the Ball OR KC Body Count at 116

As the end of the year approaches, we are now at 116 murders. It looks like my prediction of 125 is going to be off. We'll see if the cold weather keeps local murderers indoors, if Kay Barnes offsets the numbers by noting the even greater rise in condo development and if hardcore criminals (or those scared of them) pay attention to public service ads.

Lawmaker Sues Jackson Co. Legislators

This is the link to a story that eluded me yesterday and which I also alluded to (Update: Picky bastards. Narf. [define that bizntich. Thank God my old English teacher reads this blog. I always wondered what happened after we made love]) ANYWAY:

Eight of the nine Jackson County legislators were served papers from a lawsuit during Monday's meeting . . . lawmakers are being sued by a fellow county legislator, Bob Stringfield, who is accusing them of breaking the open meetings law.

County Executive Katheryn Shields is also named in the suit but the story doesn't really explain HOW the legislators broke the law or any other details of the lawsuit. Most of the people named in the suit seem to describe it as "frivolous." Hopefully, more details will follow or somebody will wind up dead in the trunk of a parked car someplace . . . That's usually the way Jackson County politics plays out when the cameras aren't rolling.

Go Chiefs! (Just thought I'd throw that in for good measure)

Cab Driver Attacked At Country Club Plaza

OR anti-immigrant measures get personal.

Temporary Residency Restrictions on Flu Shots Lifted

(i.e.) Mexicans and other undocumented workers can now get the flu shot. A smart move since most of the food prepared in this town is done by "those people."

Comment Period for Kansas City Power and Light Air Permit Extended

Speak now or forever rest in hold your peace regarding pollution concerns.

Proposition

The blogosphere and the Internet are great if only for all of the interesting use of language they offer. This local blogger quotes a very personal (and creepy) passage found floating around in cyberspace.

Plaza Lighting review

I'm a big fan of local blog Posthuman Blues. While this sweet entry from Mac regarding his girlfriend and the Plaza lighting ceremony is a bit of a departure from his regular science and paranormal fare, it's worth a read. I'm sure the thought of sharing affection with a living and breathing humanoid may seem alien to his loyal readers but the post is still very charming.

Child's Play

The useless, PR-based, waste of time task force on violent crime in Kansas City wants hear from youths at its meeting tonight. At least all of the youths who aren't out committing violent crime.

A task force studying violent crime in Kansas City wants to hear from the public tonight, particularly young people.

The 6:30 p.m. meeting, at the Discovery Center, 4750 Troost Ave., is the third and final public meeting the Kansas City Commission on Violent Crime will hold.

And I guess this might be a good idea because any kid with a parent dumb enough to drag their child to an unproductive political meeting might actually be close to committing and act of violence, or at least a mercy killing of their brain dead guardians. Seriously, your kid would be better off committing various acts of make believe violence on their X-box rather than seeing a city government that is completely bereft of ideas and ineffective. There are some things that just aren't appropriate for children.

County's staff cuts stir up criticism

Four Jackson County employees will lose their jobs at the end of the year because of County Executive Katheryn Shields’ budget-cutting efforts.

The employees, whose experience working for the county ranges from seven to 17 years, were told they were out two days before Thanksgiving.

Layoffs and bad news just seem harder around the holidays. That's why I try to smile whenever I rob someone at gunpoint during this time of year. If I'm in a really saucy mood I make them sing X-mas carols.

Take your time

Apparently, the freaky case against a nude labor camp of mentally challenged people wasn't a priority for local prosecutors.

Federal prosecutors in Kansas initially declined to charge the owners of a group home near Newton, Kan., where mentally ill residents were forced to work nude and perform sex acts.

In fact, the primary federal investigators in the case were reportedly so frustrated by years of delays by the U.S. attorney and state officials that they "shopped"” the case to various state and federal prosecutors before federal charges were finally brought, according to records reviewed by The Kansas City Star.

Now, you're first instinct here might be outrage and that's understandable. But think about it, some people pay for this kind of treatment when it's voluntary. All right, that's a gross analogy but it's the best I can do given that nearly everybody in the world has written about this gross case and all of its creepy details.

This shit is (inter) racial

Seal marries Heidi Klum and it's all glamorous but the same kind of paring in a Kansas City would probably lead to somebody's relatives never speaking to them again. Obviously, I have my own prejudices and I couldn't help thinking that an interracial couple featured in a recent Star "community faces" segment might want to get accustomed to Holidays at the Salvation Army Center.

Clearly, I have to confront my own prejudice on the matter. Especially, since I seem to exclusively date white women. Awhile ago, I used to observe that every time I would notice one of these cute little mulatto kids running around, their Dad was nowhere in sight. Invariably, it was always a very tired white women tending to her "half blood prince." So, I started making assumptions because all of the inter-racial couples I saw at bars, dance clubs and restaurants always looked so happy yet the white women with inter-racial kids always looked put out.

Then one day, on a rare Christmas appearance in church, I saw yet another white broad with a half-Black kid and I started to smirk and let my girlfriend know how much of an asshole I am, even on Christmas Eve, Scrooge style. And then, almost miraculously, her baby's daddy shows up and I take it as nearly a sign from God that I'm a jerk, I need to mind my own business and I should always wear condoms as to avoid any more Tony in the gene pool.

Missouri Joins National Guard Recruitment Bonus Program

Bonuses of up to $2,000 will be paid to guardsmen who persuade people to join.

Yes, the war in Iraq is going splendidly . . . That's why Pentagon officials are using Amway tactics and selling service like Mary Kay. Carry on.

'Sick' Central Teachers To Lose Pay

Actually, this is an important lesson kids: Any kind of group/labor organizing against ridiculous policies that endanger your fellow workers will be met with strict reprisals and apathy from the public. Welcome to the U.S.A. Wal-Mart!

Delivering the news and teaching you a lesson

And now, here is the stupidest headline of the day from Fox 4 News:

"Drugs Killed Victim Before Bullets"

I guess this headline is some kind of allegory since it was bullets and not blow that led to the guy's death. Put simply, it wasn't an overdose but a gun that killed the guy. Journalists always have a hard time determining cause and effect. Yes, I'm sure that in the early morning hours the victim wasn't in search of library books or sewing classes but it's important not to blame drugs for all of societies ills. Everyone knows the blames lies with Black people.

I mean, without drugs half of my CD collection would be useless and women who listen to Dave Matthews wouldn't be nearly as desirable.

Larry Johnson To Appear In Court

Timing is everything. A court appearance after a victory, even over a team in transition, is much better than showing up after a loss. I'm not sure but I think there is some kind of sentencing law that rewards good behavior and rushing for more than 100 yards.

You got served

As soon as I can find a link and a news story about all of the litigious B.S. going on among county officials, I'll put something up. I probably won't be able to understand the story but maybe I'll be able to crack a few jokes and glean a detail completely by chance. In the end, it'll probably just be one more excuse to move to Johnson County and not let embittered KC leaders ruin your city and your life. But you didn't hear that from me, because I don't wanna get sued.

Preparation

I've always said that bloggers are providing a public service. Local blogger MToast files a fantastic blog entry with a recipe for Chicken Pot Pie. Why is this useful? Because I often find myself hollering "Shut up, bitch and make me a Chicken Pot Pie!" So it's good that a lot of you are prepared for the occasion.

Read this recipe and keep it handy if you have a vagina and are in my vicinity.

Fear is for the birds

Despite Avian Flu worries/panic/opportunism/impending doom/TV ratings scheme, the author of local blog Happy in Bag continues to feed the birds and the sun still manages to rise and set.

John Chezik Honda gets new owner

The biz will go to the son-in-law, in the end all of your money will either go to the Tall Israelis, Dick Cheney, the Saudis or Lamar Hunt. Capitalism rules . . . you.

Fiery Crash on Ward Parkway Claims Life

Here's a secret: If you die in the proximity of rich people, you get to go to Rich Man's heaven.

Teen's Nude Picture Turns Up in Email

Damn it, there is no photo attached to this story!!!! Additionally, I think it would be hard to have proof that your daughter, mom, wife, girlfriend or grandma is a whore; especially when the proof is on an Internet database and accessible to the world. That is, unless you had the Hilton fortune to keep you warm at night.