2000th post

At 2000 posts this blog has more readers, more content and more stupid commentary than at any other time in its short (almost) two year history.

Thank you for visiting, thank you for taking an interest in Kansas City or at least the way I describe it. And thank you for being able to take a joke . . . 2000 of them, in fact.

Just Desserts

The JoCo moveable feast known as Arrowhead Stadium has recently hosted a few uninvited guests, and I'm not referring to the few minorities in the stands.

Health inspectors will be back at an Arrowhead concession stand Thursday to make sure the cockroaches are gone.

One of the six Jack Stack's at the stadium was shut down this past weekend for violations, and the NBC Action News Investigations finds that stand is not alone.

Somehow I think this is fitting. When all of KC picks up the tab for football games that most of us can't afford to watch in person, at least a few tiny, filthy, dirty residents (other than Mexicans) should enjoy the food at the game.

First Fridays in Kansas City's Crossroads District This December

As much as I make fun of all the poser kids in the Crossroads on First Friday, it still seems like a pretty good time. I drove through there with my girlfriend and we played "spot the minority" (Asian people don't count) and we had a blast.

Seriously, this December's First Friday sounds fun. "The Goonies" and hot chocolate, now that's art. Do the Truffle Shuffle.

Blunt Announces $8 Million Jump in DOR Audit Collections

OR Matt Blunt gives working people from Missouri yet another reason to hate him.

Car Sale Ends In Violence

A bizarre robbery that was also a repossession attempt . . . the buyer came back, this time with an Uzi and took the truck as well as cash and jewelry from the seller's home.

Wishing your punk ass a Merry X-Mas and a crunked up New Year.

KCMO Teachers Speak Out

They said 'Enough is enough' and several Kansas City teachers staged a 'sick out' in protest. But the story is far from over . . . Now those teachers and their union will address the school board at its meeting on Wednesday night.

Good for them, I'm sure it's possible but teachers are one of the few groups of professionals who can't be replaced by outsourcing cheap foreign labor. I hope.

JoCo consumer confidence improves

Those penis pills must really be working.

I don't know exactly how you measure this kind of "growth." How can you tell someone from Johnson County is more confident? Do they cut off people in traffic with greater speed? Are they molesting more baby sitters? Casual drug use is down? I know, consumer confidence in JoCo could be measured by all the precious things (cars, homes, jewelry, golf equipment) they collect to stave off death and the feeling of emptiness. Cool, but beer does the same thing.

Family Robbed At Home After Shopping Trip

Just after walking in, the victim said two black men, dressed in dark clothing and carrying handguns, came in through the same door.

Police said that the men took the woman's purse and her shopping bag from Wal-Mart, along with several other items from the house.

That robbery is horrible, I can't believe people still shop at Wal-Mart. Employees who aren't allowed to unionize and often forced to work off the clock are getting robbed. Oh, yeah Black guys with guns . . . That's bad too but probably wouldn't make the news if their victims were Black.

Kindergartner Poked In Eye With Fork

The injured 5-year-old had his eye lens removed during surgery Monday night and went home from the hospital Tuesday, said his mother, Tina Robinson. He will have surgery for a lens implant later.

I don't care what the right says, it's time for sex education if little kids in St. Joe are going to go around and fork each other. Maybe some of the injury could have been averted if the kids used condoms while they where forking.

No Mas

Just like one of the greatest fighters of all time, Sirvinegar says 'No Mas' to NaNoWriMo but still bravely finishes 30 days of writing. Congratulations to all the contestants . . . it takes courage to even get inside the ring.

Parking rules save KC from bad Cuban food

In this article, The Star's criticism of downtown parking regulations has absolutely nothing to do with their new digs and penchant for dining at posh eateries. Like every other kind of local developer, restaurant owners want zoning exceptions because high-end dining will ultimately save this city and curb the murder rate in this town. Heaven forbid that lowly street vendors get this kind of consideration from The Star or City Hall.

For more on the plight of street vendors go to BlogKC. And for God's sake, be careful what you do with plantain.

Missouri among leaders in swats

Some kids in Missouri still get spanked. Unfortunately, this practice is not employed in the KCMO School District where administrators are in desperate need of a spanking, far more than the kids.

The article doesn't mention what earns corporal punishment but I imagine is works something like this:

- Mention Missouri's slave state history: That's a paddlin'

- Questioning the war in Iraq: That's a paddlin'

- Making fun of Matt Blunt's hair and crooked smile: That's a paddlin'

- Asking why only the poor white kids and the minorities get paddled: That's a paddlin'

- Jumping in a river raft with your homie Jim and paddlin' down the river to escape the stupidity and violence of the adults in your state: Oh, that's definitely a paddlin'.

Johnson County facility cited as one of the nation’s very best

All right, we get it already. JoCo is wonderful. All the women are white, have big boobs, blonde hair and flexible legs. There is endless prosperity and even the exploited Mexican workers throw a smile your way. Truly, Johnson County is the embodiment of all of the great things noted in the song, "Big Rock Candy Mountain." Thank you, Kansas City Johnson County Star for extolling the virtues of the community in which so many of your writers reside.

Was Phil Kline part of the scheme that lead Adam Taff to plead guilty?

This Lawrence blogger links to an unconfirmed rumor.

Frankly, I'm not sure that speculating on alleged illegal activities is that smart or effective. And the second link in questions seems to be making a lot of connections based on supposition. There are enough reasons to despise Phil Kline for the perfectly legal actions that he has perpetrated.

You would've been impressed (or something) today at the size of my gigantic balls!

A day in the life of the college student behind local blog Pomegranate Pretty.

JCCC Newspaper Photo, Headline Causes Stir

OR, the parents of college students once again underestimate the skankiness of their daughters. The shot is actually pretty tame in comparison with what average college hos engage in during Spring Break.

Additionally, has anybody else ever noticed that when female athletes cut loose, they really cut loose? Seriously, their almost as bad as Catholic broads and their training gives them much more endurance. Too bad most of them are lesbian. Burp.

Home Invaders Take Money, SUV

Cut and run before they have a chance to "democratize" the residents.

Blue Valley Considers Removing Morrison Book

OR, In the suburbs, Black people aren't even acceptable in printed form.

This book banning thing just strikes me as weird. I could never imagine being worried about the contents of a book when half of the kids in that school district are constantly living out their thug life fantasies via Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

Boo-fucking-hoo: The mansions in Mission Hills get cold sometimes

Read this story about the hardships of Mission Hills housewives and realize that nature equals us all. Presidents, priests, popes and plumbers all poop. (heh) And during this season, we're all bound by the same instinct to stay warm. While most of us don't have to worry about keeping a plush residence heated, it's still pretty important to make sure that our hovel is at least somewhat livable.

Additionally, watching this story was hilarious because for some reason all of these poor Mission Hills housewives all wear the same sweater. The desperate housewives did their best to seem pissed off but somehow I think they knew that 99.9 percent of the world's population would eat their left foot if it meant having the "problems" that cause these bitches to whine.

Richmond Officer Accused Of Sex Crimes

OR, To protect and service . . . your kids.

School's Out

Everybody has heard of the stripper who is paying her way through college. This bullshit line works for young tramps until they are about 30 years old. By that time, they have either caught some sucker in a complicated confidence scam that probably involves a baby or they are so hopelessly addicted to some illicit substance that the subterfuge no longer matters.

Sadly, students must continue to be creative while financing their education because they're getting less help from the state and the federal government.

Locally, Mizzou President recently abandoned his tuition freeze plan and wants lawmakers to pick up the slack instead. The college official now proposes a scheme that would link tuition increases to inflation. So sometime at the end of the month you'll be forced to make the decision between Top Ramen and textbooks. Additionally, Cleaver and Moore are speaking out against financial aid cuts but put together they have as much credibility as one of the spokespersons for NORML who also lobby the college set in search of support.

I guess the most important thing that educated people should learn is that it's best to be born to rich parents. A rich and powerful parent can not only get you into a great school but also finance your many failed businesses along with your bid for the White House. Of course, the next best option is to marry rich and then find a good divorce lawyer. Sadly, they don't teach you any of this stuff in school.

KU Professor Apologizes for Intelligent Design Email

Yesterday, local talk radio hosts just ran this subject right into the ground. They are probably the only people in world who really give a shit about what a college professor thinks. Ironically, most if not all of the students are too busy chasing tail to care about evolution.

Prosecutor Upgrades Murder Charge to First-Degree in Platte County Case

A second-degree murder charge against a Kansas City man accused of raping a woman and killing her husband has been upgraded to first-degree murder.

Or, Local (alleged) dirtbag gets a promotion.

KCMO Detectives Involved in Crash

Don't you hate surprises? Like accidentally making sweet love to a long lost relative or crashing into a cop or unknowingly trying to buy sex from a cop. Yeah, surprises suck almost as much as car crashes.

Update: It was a pregnant woman who hit the cops with an SUV. Pregnant women are another surprise I can't stand.

Convicted Felon Named to KCK Community College Board

This may not be such a bad thing. It's about time that somebody started "keeping it real" on college campuses and setting people straight. Someone who might tell the Gay, Lesbian and Transgender student alliance that homosexuality is not always a valid expression of love . . . especially in prison. OR a guy that could bitch slap a few college Republicans until they forgot about how cool Alex P. Keaton was in Family Ties.

However, the guy isn't really that bad since he doesn't deny his criminal past and it was basically a white collar crime (bribery) that sent him to jail. Tell me there's going to be a reformed pimp or a drug dealer on the college board and that's a story.

Chiefs player's assault case continued again

OR Local judge finally finds a way to motivate Chiefs during the playoffs. Now if we could only get all the other miscreants playing for the Chiefs thrown into his courtroom . . .

Oh, and when you watch the game with your kids be sure to tell them about this last passage from the KMBZ story before you mention the lies about hard work and sportsmanship being the true mark of a champion:

The case is being watched by Johnson County, Kan., prosecutors, who could reinstate a 2003 charge accusing Johnson of slapping a woman in his Leawood home and threatening her with a gun. Johnson agreed to enter a domestic-violence diversion program to avoid prosecution. As part of the deal, he was ordered to stay out of legal trouble for two years.

What a prince! That's certainly someone I want to go out a cheer for . . . I wonder if he says "Bitch, better have my 500 million!" on behalf of his organization after he scores a touchdown at Arrowhead?

Police Help Local Women Learn Safety

The local police often run the same old self-defense course but I wanna help too, so here are a few tips I'd like to offer:

- Never believe anything a man says.

- Buy your own home and never expect a guy to take care of you.

- Learn how to make a sandwich in less than 2 minutes . . . with no complaints.

- Do not date Kobe Bryant.

- Realize that a guy with a great job, huge penis, nice car, no kids and a mom who loves you is either gay or currently married to someone more attractive and interesting than you.

- Unless you're fighting an Asian guy, never believe for a second that you can beat a man in a no-holds barred streetfight. Best thing to do is run and crap your pants so that he won't want you any more . . . I've really heard this works.

- You face a greater danger from the random dudes you invite in your home for casual sex than from some guy on the street.

Stay safe and remember that uncomfortably shifting your purse when a minority walks past is just gonna piss them off and won't really protect you. Better just to shout racial epithets or don't walk to your car at night by yourself.

The Ghosts of Kansas City

In one amazing post a local blogger not only perfectly describes his fondness for one of this town's often overlooked monuments but also completely exposes the illogical reasoning supporting the present construction boom that has captivated the city.

Local blogger Bill provides a bit of history:

Built in 1936, the building has housed political conventions and basketball Final Fours. It's been marred by a few contemporary additions, but Municipal maintains most of its original artful flair . . . I'm not going to claim that Municipal Auditorium is literally filled with ghosts. But I will say that its weight of time and history are very heavy.

And then he paints a dim view of a future where city planners ignore the foundations of this town in favor of their own pipe dreams.

I was puzzled by the disregard the old building received in the debates leading to the groundbreaking on the new Sprint facility. Sure, Municipal's corridors are a little tight on the rare occasion when attendance passes 5,000. And the concessions can be spotty. But when premiere events currently held at Municipal don't attract much of a crowd, I don't know how they'll fare better in a bigger space.

Obviously, this local blogger has yet to see the light ($$$$$) and all of the opportunity ($$$$$) that local stadium building will provide . . . If not for the people of Kansas City, then at least for professional athletes, franchise owners, out-of-town construction companies and a few lucky supporters that may or may not hold political office.

From Slogans to Strategies: Ingram's editorial

Actually, this is a pretty decent list of ideas for the future of Kansas City that has nothing to do with locking up Black people and broadcasting exploiting the grieving relatives of the victims of violent crime for political gain.

Here's a sample:

"Given the focus on transportation, we should develop a metro-wide fixed rail master plan that builds upon other transportation systems."

Additionally, the column accurately criticizes the lack of leadership coming from City Hall:

"For all of the talk about positioning, Kansas City has not had a fully viable plan of action since the cows went west and Charlie Parker headed east."

A few more reasons to hate Mexicans

This article from Ingram's details thinly veiled racism coupled with pious and impractical solutions to the U.S. need for cheap labor. Read my take on the meeting which contains more jokes and a few interesting references to anal sex and Nazis.

BlogKC: NY Times on gentrification in The Crossroads

BlogKC links to a NY Times story that details the plight of starving artists pushed out of an area they made profitable. No mention of all the Mexican-Americans and their homes in the nearby Westside that greedy crossroads developers have recently begun to covet.

Dropping the Ball OR KC Body Count at 116

As the end of the year approaches, we are now at 116 murders. It looks like my prediction of 125 is going to be off. We'll see if the cold weather keeps local murderers indoors, if Kay Barnes offsets the numbers by noting the even greater rise in condo development and if hardcore criminals (or those scared of them) pay attention to public service ads.

Lawmaker Sues Jackson Co. Legislators

This is the link to a story that eluded me yesterday and which I also alluded to (Update: Picky bastards. Narf. [define that bizntich. Thank God my old English teacher reads this blog. I always wondered what happened after we made love]) ANYWAY:

Eight of the nine Jackson County legislators were served papers from a lawsuit during Monday's meeting . . . lawmakers are being sued by a fellow county legislator, Bob Stringfield, who is accusing them of breaking the open meetings law.

County Executive Katheryn Shields is also named in the suit but the story doesn't really explain HOW the legislators broke the law or any other details of the lawsuit. Most of the people named in the suit seem to describe it as "frivolous." Hopefully, more details will follow or somebody will wind up dead in the trunk of a parked car someplace . . . That's usually the way Jackson County politics plays out when the cameras aren't rolling.

Go Chiefs! (Just thought I'd throw that in for good measure)

Cab Driver Attacked At Country Club Plaza

OR anti-immigrant measures get personal.

Temporary Residency Restrictions on Flu Shots Lifted

(i.e.) Mexicans and other undocumented workers can now get the flu shot. A smart move since most of the food prepared in this town is done by "those people."

Comment Period for Kansas City Power and Light Air Permit Extended

Speak now or forever rest in hold your peace regarding pollution concerns.

Proposition

The blogosphere and the Internet are great if only for all of the interesting use of language they offer. This local blogger quotes a very personal (and creepy) passage found floating around in cyberspace.

Plaza Lighting review

I'm a big fan of local blog Posthuman Blues. While this sweet entry from Mac regarding his girlfriend and the Plaza lighting ceremony is a bit of a departure from his regular science and paranormal fare, it's worth a read. I'm sure the thought of sharing affection with a living and breathing humanoid may seem alien to his loyal readers but the post is still very charming.

Child's Play

The useless, PR-based, waste of time task force on violent crime in Kansas City wants hear from youths at its meeting tonight. At least all of the youths who aren't out committing violent crime.

A task force studying violent crime in Kansas City wants to hear from the public tonight, particularly young people.

The 6:30 p.m. meeting, at the Discovery Center, 4750 Troost Ave., is the third and final public meeting the Kansas City Commission on Violent Crime will hold.

And I guess this might be a good idea because any kid with a parent dumb enough to drag their child to an unproductive political meeting might actually be close to committing and act of violence, or at least a mercy killing of their brain dead guardians. Seriously, your kid would be better off committing various acts of make believe violence on their X-box rather than seeing a city government that is completely bereft of ideas and ineffective. There are some things that just aren't appropriate for children.

County's staff cuts stir up criticism

Four Jackson County employees will lose their jobs at the end of the year because of County Executive Katheryn Shields’ budget-cutting efforts.

The employees, whose experience working for the county ranges from seven to 17 years, were told they were out two days before Thanksgiving.

Layoffs and bad news just seem harder around the holidays. That's why I try to smile whenever I rob someone at gunpoint during this time of year. If I'm in a really saucy mood I make them sing X-mas carols.

Take your time

Apparently, the freaky case against a nude labor camp of mentally challenged people wasn't a priority for local prosecutors.

Federal prosecutors in Kansas initially declined to charge the owners of a group home near Newton, Kan., where mentally ill residents were forced to work nude and perform sex acts.

In fact, the primary federal investigators in the case were reportedly so frustrated by years of delays by the U.S. attorney and state officials that they "shopped"” the case to various state and federal prosecutors before federal charges were finally brought, according to records reviewed by The Kansas City Star.

Now, you're first instinct here might be outrage and that's understandable. But think about it, some people pay for this kind of treatment when it's voluntary. All right, that's a gross analogy but it's the best I can do given that nearly everybody in the world has written about this gross case and all of its creepy details.

This shit is (inter) racial

Seal marries Heidi Klum and it's all glamorous but the same kind of paring in a Kansas City would probably lead to somebody's relatives never speaking to them again. Obviously, I have my own prejudices and I couldn't help thinking that an interracial couple featured in a recent Star "community faces" segment might want to get accustomed to Holidays at the Salvation Army Center.

Clearly, I have to confront my own prejudice on the matter. Especially, since I seem to exclusively date white women. Awhile ago, I used to observe that every time I would notice one of these cute little mulatto kids running around, their Dad was nowhere in sight. Invariably, it was always a very tired white women tending to her "half blood prince." So, I started making assumptions because all of the inter-racial couples I saw at bars, dance clubs and restaurants always looked so happy yet the white women with inter-racial kids always looked put out.

Then one day, on a rare Christmas appearance in church, I saw yet another white broad with a half-Black kid and I started to smirk and let my girlfriend know how much of an asshole I am, even on Christmas Eve, Scrooge style. And then, almost miraculously, her baby's daddy shows up and I take it as nearly a sign from God that I'm a jerk, I need to mind my own business and I should always wear condoms as to avoid any more Tony in the gene pool.

Missouri Joins National Guard Recruitment Bonus Program

Bonuses of up to $2,000 will be paid to guardsmen who persuade people to join.

Yes, the war in Iraq is going splendidly . . . That's why Pentagon officials are using Amway tactics and selling service like Mary Kay. Carry on.

'Sick' Central Teachers To Lose Pay

Actually, this is an important lesson kids: Any kind of group/labor organizing against ridiculous policies that endanger your fellow workers will be met with strict reprisals and apathy from the public. Welcome to the U.S.A. Wal-Mart!

Delivering the news and teaching you a lesson

And now, here is the stupidest headline of the day from Fox 4 News:

"Drugs Killed Victim Before Bullets"

I guess this headline is some kind of allegory since it was bullets and not blow that led to the guy's death. Put simply, it wasn't an overdose but a gun that killed the guy. Journalists always have a hard time determining cause and effect. Yes, I'm sure that in the early morning hours the victim wasn't in search of library books or sewing classes but it's important not to blame drugs for all of societies ills. Everyone knows the blames lies with Black people.

I mean, without drugs half of my CD collection would be useless and women who listen to Dave Matthews wouldn't be nearly as desirable.

Larry Johnson To Appear In Court

Timing is everything. A court appearance after a victory, even over a team in transition, is much better than showing up after a loss. I'm not sure but I think there is some kind of sentencing law that rewards good behavior and rushing for more than 100 yards.

You got served

As soon as I can find a link and a news story about all of the litigious B.S. going on among county officials, I'll put something up. I probably won't be able to understand the story but maybe I'll be able to crack a few jokes and glean a detail completely by chance. In the end, it'll probably just be one more excuse to move to Johnson County and not let embittered KC leaders ruin your city and your life. But you didn't hear that from me, because I don't wanna get sued.

Preparation

I've always said that bloggers are providing a public service. Local blogger MToast files a fantastic blog entry with a recipe for Chicken Pot Pie. Why is this useful? Because I often find myself hollering "Shut up, bitch and make me a Chicken Pot Pie!" So it's good that a lot of you are prepared for the occasion.

Read this recipe and keep it handy if you have a vagina and are in my vicinity.

Fear is for the birds

Despite Avian Flu worries/panic/opportunism/impending doom/TV ratings scheme, the author of local blog Happy in Bag continues to feed the birds and the sun still manages to rise and set.

John Chezik Honda gets new owner

The biz will go to the son-in-law, in the end all of your money will either go to the Tall Israelis, Dick Cheney, the Saudis or Lamar Hunt. Capitalism rules . . . you.

Fiery Crash on Ward Parkway Claims Life

Here's a secret: If you die in the proximity of rich people, you get to go to Rich Man's heaven.

Teen's Nude Picture Turns Up in Email

Damn it, there is no photo attached to this story!!!! Additionally, I think it would be hard to have proof that your daughter, mom, wife, girlfriend or grandma is a whore; especially when the proof is on an Internet database and accessible to the world. That is, unless you had the Hilton fortune to keep you warm at night.

Fire Damages Kansas City Business

A space heater sent paper work up in flames. Either that or somebody really "had a bad case of the Mondays" and didn't have a gun handy.

The Rise and Fall of a White Man

It seems to me that you’re better off being an asshole because bad things seem to always happen to good people. Consider Adam Taff, a Republican moderate and all around nice guy who now faces the prospect of 30 years in “pound-me-in-the-ass” prison (not likely but still scary).

Former congressional candidate Adam Taff pleaded guilty Monday to charges accusing him of using campaign funds to cover a check for the down payment on a home.

Taff pleaded guilty to one count of wire fraud and one count of violating the Federal Elections Campaign Act.

Yet another decent white guy is corrupted by the JoCo lifestyle. Seriously, I don’t know what it is about that community but people will lie, cheat, steal and advocate for the mass murder of brown people just to belong in the golden ghetto. I know it’s hard to say no to white women and chain restaurants but I don’t think any zip code is worth the kind of sacrifices and schemes that Johnson County folk commit.

There are a lot of folks that make fun of Black people for buying stupid shit like rims and gold teeth but then everyday the people of JoCo go into deep credit card debt to finance $5 coffee from Starbucks and the latest model Honda Civic.

I also feel sorry for Taff because it somehow seems like this is the first time he has run afoul of the law. The former Air Force pilot was sabotaged by JoCo Dems who (allegedly) posed as Republicans last year during the primary as a way of ushering the more easily beatable Kris Kobach for Dennis Moore to pummel. And now it looks like the finances from that losing campaign will cost more than Taff could have ever imagined . . . kind of like the Iraq War. And like U.S. troops in Iraq, it seems that things are just going to get rougher for the poor guy.

Anyway, I’m a big fan of looking on the bright side but the only glimmer of hope I can pull out of this sad story is that Taff’s tribulations might not only serve to integrate the mostly minority prison system but also cause white guys everywhere to put their wives in check and live within their means.

Somebody please deport Jerry Agar and Nick Haines

Throughout the Kansas City area, Mexicans and other undocumented workers are providing service in the area of home repair, house cleaning and prostitution. Obviously, these people are contributing to the economy of this country despite their strange, stupid language and their filthy foreign ways. On the other hand, local talk show hosts Agar and Haines just run their mouths for a living and further my contempt for white people.

Watching KC Week In Review over the weekend I came to several conclusions about their recent show focusing on local immigration issues:

- White women are wonderful. Seriously, does anybody look out for the interests of the poor, impoverished and those looking for casual sex any better than white women?

- For all his “free market” pro-business bullshit Jack Cashill clearly wants the government to come to his rescue when it comes to all the scary brown people coming into the country. I guess he didn’t learn about supply and demand while studying for his PhD.

- I’ve never seen a white man more scared than Jerry Agar. Seriously, I don’t know if (but I hope) that he was beaten to death by a band of Mexican banditos in a former life but the guy acts like there is a line of mojados at the border waiting to have anal sex with him. And that’s not gonna happen for at least a few years.

- When is Kris Kobach just gonna break out the Nazi uniform and quit with all the pretending? He’d probably get more votes that way.

- Joe Arce of the KC Hispanic News is my hero. I’ve always known that the political is personal and these rants against “illegals” are really just anti-darkie sentiment. I’d have more respect for anti-immigration advocates if they just used honest terminology like “wetback” and “too many bean pickers.” Still, Joe had the guts to stare down Agar face to face and call him on his thinly veiled racism. I worked for Joe, a long time ago, and I’ve always admired his enthusiasm for his work and his love of people. Clearly, this country needs more people like Arce and not Agar.

In the end, almost every local roundtable discussion is unproductive. This latest effort by KCPT to enter into controversial debate is nothing more than a grab for ratings and recognition . . . Reruns of the Antiques Roadshow are probably more insightful. It’s a waste of time to pay too much attention to these kinds of debates, but if you do . . . after you’re done, be sure to tell your babysitter, gardener, cook or Grandma and Grandpa that they are “one of the good ones.”

Man found shot to death in a car

Near 67th Terrace and the Paseo, witnesses report hearing 5 shots but of course nobody ever sees anything in this town.

Big Brown Box

After typing "Big Brown Box" into a search engine and viewing the filthy results, I no longer have any faith in Latinas. The photo of JLo and her big ass is the closest thing to decent I could muster.

Anyway, this article from the KC Infozine reports that Big Brown Box, Inc was recently inducted into the National Toy Hall of fame. Somehow, I'm sure this is racist and only a result of a judge being confused after hearing reports of Mexican maids babysitting children and entertaining them in the process.



Additionally, the KC Infozine offers a recipe for "Cock-a-Leekie Soup" that inspired me to spurt breakfast cereal out of my nose. I think if you had "Cock-a-Leekie Soup" it should inspire you to visit a doctor or at least add some penicillin as a topping.

Couple Robbed In Garage

An Overland Park couple are robbed at gunpoint. Suburban men across the metro are encouraged to link this story in an effort to prove that cleaning your garage is pointless and an invitation to danger.

Local student answers call to community service

This is a story of a UMKC honor roll student deciding that she would rather work in community service rather than in the corporate world. Unfortunately, what UMKC professors don't tell you is that it's pretty cutthroat in both fields and you'd probably make more money flipping burgers.

No Recruiting Woes in the Heartland

The prospect of death or serious injury is trumped by the certain fate of boredom and discontent in the Midwest. OR Killing brown kids for fun, profit and patriotism has never went out of style 'round these parts.

"His MOM IS 39!!"

The KC Fat Chick shares her dating woes so you won't feel so bad about spending the weekend crying while eating.

Reparations

The Southwest was pretty much stolen from its original inhabitants but at least local Spanish restaurant maven Don Pepe is getting his painting back.

Earlier this month, a Jackson County judge ordered the painting's return after Pepe and park board member Bob Lewellen told him its unique history.

On Wednesday, Pepe and Lewellen met in front of the massive artwork inside the Westport-Roanoke Community Center, 3601 Roanoke Road. With frame, the painting is more than 18 feet long and almost 6 feet tall. It includes 16 figures in a kind of street party with flamenco dancers.

This story is about as saccharine as a big serving of flan. I guess it's a good thing that they're giving something back to a Boulevard restaurant owner, since this city seems dead set on taking the Westside away from the Mexicans.

It ain't easy being green

Today The Star notes that you no longer have to endure public gay sex and Black people at the city's parks in order to get a dose of nature. Green roofs are touted as not only as a means to reduce pollution and storm-water runoff but also as new attraction for luxury condo/loft living.

Area businesses and civic leaders are beginning to tout green roofs as an aesthetic and environmental tool to make the city more livable and save taxpayers money on projects such as storm sewers. The roofs are similar in concept to underground collectors for homes and small buildings called rain gardens, only they cover a structure's top.

It took awhile but, thankfully, luxury real estate developers have finally found a way to bring rich people all the benefits of a public park without the poor people. And while public officials may tout the benefits of these "green" measures, I didn't read anything about public access to the "green roofs" in the city. So it turns out that my assumptions are probably correct: Environmentalism is really nothing more than an attempt to make the planet nicer for rich white folks.

However, I guess whatever people want to do with their own money is okay. But then I don't think white people should complain so much when they are beaten robbed and raped in public parks. Obviously, they should have built their own.

Peace officers pick local chief as leader

Johnson County Undersheriff Kevin Cavanaugh has been elected president of the Kansas Peace Officers Association.

OR, Keeping minorities at bay takes teamwork and organization.

Is it child abuse if your kid learns a lesson?

My Grandma does not believe in child abuse or in child abuse hotlines. She has said that it is the God given right (and responsibility) of every parent to beat their children with zeal. Subsequently, nearly all of her kids have college degrees, are gainfully employed and have never had a significant run-in with the police. She has always feared child-abuse hotlines and will probably react with disgust when I tell her about a local pre-emptive effort to curb child abuse in the Independence School District.

A pilot program in the Independence School District seeks to prevent child abuse before it occurs. The Child Welfare Initiative was launched in January, largely in response to a series of tragedies a couple of years earlier. Within a 15-month period, three Independence children died as a result of physical abuse.

See, I'm pretty sure that my Grandma thinks that any deaths that result from beating children should actually be dealt with as cases of property damage. Sometimes I think she's right. Over this holiday season there will be so many kids hollering at their parents and making a nuisance of themselves that the idea of beating them unconscious would almost seem to be a public service. And who among us hasn't watched 'Mommie Dearest' and nearly burst a blood vessel from uncontrollable laughter?

Over the weekend, I watched Joan Crawford's parenting tips with a primary education provider. She was appalled as I hooted and cheered from my seat as Crawford went to town and taught her kids a lesson they'll never forget about cleaning and the proper storage of clothes. "Tony, you know that's not really funny" she said. I couldn't help but think of my younger years as I once watched the film with my Grandma and she innocently asked, "What'd those kids do wrong?" and argued that the children must have had it coming.

Storm Causes Damage Across Missouri

More importantly, it makes me glad I have cable so I don't have to watch local weather people prance around the news room and pretend to have a meaningful job while interrupting prime-time.

Skelton hurt in Iraq

A military vehicle carrying U.S. Rep. Ike Skelton overturned on its way to the Baghdad airport Saturday, injuring the 15-term representative from Missouri and a congressman from Pennsylvania.

Somehow, I think if more politicians faced injury from foreign engagements, we'd have fewer wars. Thankfully, the Missouri politico wasn't badly hurt and was quickly flown out of the area. I can think of more than 100,000 people who aren't yet so lucky.

Be honest: KC beat a down team

Surprisingly, Jason Whitlock doesn't jump on the cheerleading bandwagon. The Chiefs pulled out a victory over yet another team in turmoil. Whitlock eloquently explains.

From Dallas to KC

I take a lot of inspiration from a variety of sites across the Internet but Dallas has one of most raw pages in the known universe and I'm a fan. He sent some "promotional" material my way and I just had to share it with you. It's not safe for work, unless you want to get fired, but please enjoy when you have the time and be sure to read his blog.

KU PD are a bunch of losers

As part of a nine-month diet and fitness program, the officers in the Public Safety Office at KU have lost a grand total of 482-pounds! That averages out to about 53-pounds a piece.

That's a good start. This means that the cops will be better equipped to hassle minority students but still not yet slender enough to chase down all of the date rapists and causal drug users (3/4 of all white guys) on campus.

More Random Killings?

Police say Robert Osborn was shot with a shotgun similar to the one used in four other random shootings in the past few months.

The phrase "bored to death" takes on an entirely new meaning in KC.

Small local law firm takes on BP Amoco

In a battle of lawyers vs. an oil company, the only thing you can be sure of is that evil will prevail.

If you don't know me by now

Welcome new readers from KC Currents. If you've already endured my stupidity on the radio then you're sure to love my bigoted, misogynist, ill informed and non-nonsensical commentary every day. I obsessively update this site every morning and afternoon (except Sunday, you heathen) because I'm a freelance writer (read under employed) and because I love Kansas City but hate the all of the limp, censored and utterly meaningless commentary spewing forth from the local media.

Please take a look at my favorite local bloggers to the right along with all the rest of local blogs on the list. You might know one of them and could earn extra cash through extortion. At the very least you'll find a bunch of people dedicated to documenting their experiences and opinions through the power of blogs. Socrates once said, "I drank what?" But he also said that the unexamined life isn't worth living. You'll find that local bloggers have wonderful insights about important and trivial things; much more so than professional commentators and pundits that are paid to be nothing more than filler between classified advertising and beer commercials.

Anyway, I had lots of fun doing the interview. But in the end, this page is the best explanation of what I do and my approach to blogging. It is what it is . . . and while I may have problems justifying its existence, this page makes no apologies for itself. Have fun, please keep reading and remember the most important opinion in this town is your own . . . and maybe the last person who saw your genitalia.

Felisha Mason: KC's Apprentice

She was nearly fired last episode but made it by the skin of her teeth. And probably because she has a nice ass. I'm rooting for this local native not only because she is a blonde, white woman but also because the position of reality TV product pushing whore has already been taken in Kansas City.

Fall Leaf and Brush Collection Begins

The city of Kansas City, Mo., Public Works Department's fall leaf and brush curbside collection begins Nov. 28, with collection scheduled according to trash day.

Country Club Kay Barnes wants you to keep KC clean, because she's trying to get a decent price for your home. Eminent Domain rocks, just ask the Native Americans how good it turned out for them.

Man and dog shot in Northeast

Man's best friend my ass. If the dog was a real buddy he would have caught all three gunshots. But still, I don't know of any women who would take even one bullet for me; so that's more loyalty than you'll from any local skank . . . and just think that Alpo is much cheaper than dinner and a movie.

The Chiefs will lose tomorrow

Woke up this morning to three e-mails regarding Chiefs return man Dante Hall and his "preparation" for Sunday's big game against the Patriots. Here's the best one:

"Dude, Dante Hall rolls deep. Saw him tonight at a popular midtown club with a very fine, big booty Black woman on his arm. He was hanging with his regular wrecking crew in a big ass, white Lincoln Navigator stretch limousine. From the looks of it he didn't seem too concerned about the defensive schemes that he might be facing. He looked more intent on getting free drinks and acting like King Shit. Too bad that last week's victory over the worst team in the NFL has obviously swelled his head. I hope he'll be able to fit it in his helmet."

Obviously, the really important game tomorrow is the last thing on Dante's mind. A special thanks to all the tipsters who sent back reports. Because I already have enough Italian people who hate me and would like me dead, I don't bet on sports. But, obviously, the smart money is not on the Chiefs. In fact, the only thing that you can count on those guys for is to play big shots in the local bar scene.

Suspected Bike Shooter Surrenders

Allegedly, twenty-year-old Fabian Brown murdered an innocent bicyclist out of "boredom" and then bragged about it. This ultimately led to him being singled out as a suspect while his partner in crime was caught earlier and has seemingly confessed to the shooting. Brown finally turned himself in today.

Do they allow executions if the person in question is obviously already brain dead?

The Chiefs are on the warpath!

You can always tell that Chiefs are preparing for a big game when they start (allegedly) smacking the shit out of their women in preparation for the event.

Kansas City Chiefs defensive tackle Lional Dalton was in police custody Friday morning in Gardner.

Overland Park police arrested him shortly after 1:30 a.m.

Authorities booked him into the Johnson County jail on suspicion of domestic battery after an alleged incident involving his estranged wife.

I only wonder how much this pre-game ritual helps. I'm sure that estranged wives can be fierce but they're probably nothing compared to a 300lb NFL offensive lineman. We'll see on Sunday, when I'm betting that the Chiefs will get tossed around like a crazed beeatch asking for alimony.

Additionally, I feel like Greg Reeves over at Crime Scene KC for posting this photo of a Black guy accused of wrongdoing. However, I'll try to justify it by saying that the only color really important to the Chiefs is green. Nullus.

Hate Mail?

The KU prof who is teaching ID as mythology has his true motives revealed in a nasty internet message that was intercepted:

In a recent message on a Yahoo listserv, Paul Mirecki said of the course "Special Topics in Religion: Intelligent Design, Creationisms and other Religious Mythologies:''

"The fundies want it all taught in a science class, but this will be a nice slap in their big fat face by teaching it as a religious studies class under the category mythology.''

Actually, that's not too bad for a college e-mail. And you'd have to be a monkey not to figure that out for yourself. The "revelation" really isn't that surprising.

I remember accidentally getting a hold of some of my college girlfriend's e-mail and my world was torn apart when I found out that young women did not practice kissing during sleepovers, that she equated my love-making technique to a 9 year-old using a jack-hammer and that my feet stink. Ugh, it's always hard to learn what people really think of you. That's why I tell everybody I meet that they are losers and I would just assume run over them in my car as look at them; that way there is no confusion later.

Actor Pat Morita of 'The Karate Kid' dies at 73

The optimist in me wants to say that he's off to heaven to crane kick the ass out of the angels. However, I'm really thinking that I'm relieved that a guy with a California surfer accent is no longer forced to add a thick Japanese inflection to his words in order to satisfy the stereotypes of movie going audiences.

Additionally, it would be a crime to overlook his groundbreaking work in Happy Days.

County official cited for innovations

Public Works magazine said Dr. Ali Roohanirad developed a system for managing and assessing bridges, roads and signs that is now used by other governments, including the Federal Highway Administration. The system has helped the county better predict accident-prone roads and make changes, resulting in a 40 percent reduction in accidents, the magazine said.

Just thought I'd spotlight some of the important work that a (most likely) brown person was doing to help build this city, since the local media (and I) seem to spend so much time talking about how all the darkies are destroying this town. However, I don't wanna change your beliefs about how all foreigners and dark complected people are destroying this country and taking your cheese, I'm sure this guy is probably just "one of the good ones" while the rest of us are nothing more than this city's dilemma.

Rock On.

Paying Kansas City teachers on merit is under study

Does this mean we'll get a refund?

Riverside animal control officials are pussies

A recent plan to limit the population of feral cats in Riverside is another example of political correctness gone wild in this town. Check out the price tag on the latest "humane" measure to remove testicles in KC.

A $24,000 plan approved last month will help trap the estimated 600 feral cats in Riverside, spay or neuter them, and then release them with notched ears to show they won't be bringing feral kittens into the world.

Do you know how much pussy you could buy with that money? And now with Jessica Simpson getting divorced. . .

Anyway, the point is that paying for bullets and beers for a few expert hunters would more effectively take care of this problem at less than half the cost. Why does Riverside need a bunch of wild tomcats running around anyway? That duty is already fulfilled by the Chiefs and Eastsiders. Put simply, it’s appropriate to kill these animals with extreme prejudice; it’s the right thing to do. Expensive measures to assure even greater “humane” treatment of these animals are misguided and insult all of the people in the area who are afforded far less consideration. Additionally, I’m pretty sure that killing cats would be fun. If (ghey) cat lovers are so adamant in their support of these beasts than I suggest they adopt them and get a good look at the mean, blood thirsty, untamed little fuckers in person.

It’s pure propaganda that promotes these evil creatures as victims without noting their dangers. Feral cats spread disease, destroy the ecosystem in which they reside and pose a serious risk to any person who comes into contact with them . . . And I know what you’re thinking. That sounds just like the white women of Johnson County, but this is a problem we can address without the interference of Oprah . . . if we act quickly.



Here's the money quote that proves this "Trap, Neuter/Spay, Release" initiative lacks cajones:

“Riverside is working to be a progressive community,” she said. “They tend to be a little bit more open to different approaches. We intend to show what a great job we’ve done in Riverside, and we’ll prove that it works.”

Let's get this straight: Riverside would rather let wild animals that could potentially hurt people roam around their jurisdiction rather than seem cruel by effectively and inexpensively killing a few cats. There has to be something more worthy of expense in Riverside than catering to the sensibilities of local animal lovers. I don't know, maybe some food and shelter for all the homeless people who also roam around by the river. But screw that, right? Homeless people aren't cute and cuddly. Ironically, neither are feral cats. They could instantly claw the face off of any animal lover in their midst, no matter how insensitive or cruel that may seem.

How We Do

A lot of people (3) write me and want to know how I come up with my ideas. It's hard, I read a lot of philosophy and books regarding social justice. Of course I watch and read the news but I also refer to ancient texts like the I-Ching and Kabbalah for spiritual guidance on my postings.

However, right now I'm watching Busty Cops as I type this entry. Sad to find out that the star Nikki Nova had some kind of accident but glad to hear that she is recovering. I recommend this movie, I recommend this movie and Kleenex brand paper tissues; they're really absorbent. Enjoy.

Sebelius visits Kansas troops in Kuwait

A nice, if empty gesture at least proves that even the most educated and accomplished women are only good for serving food. Burp.

When you're gone I miss you

And most other days as well.

115th Homicide Of the Year

37-year-old David Tuggle moved into a new neighborhood about a month ago. The victim's brother told Fox 4 News he fears someone killed Tuggle because he led an alternative lifestyle.

I guess this means that he was probably gay. Obviously, as the year comes to a close, murderers in KC are making sure to include everyone in their rampage. I guess we all have to strive to achieve diversity.

Thousands Watch 2005 Plaza Lighting

Fireworks, the cheerleading whores from the Chiefs and a gaggle of people from Johnson County. Jesus Christ, X-Mas makes me want to shoot somebody. Luckily, or not, so many people in KC are already doing it for me.

Thieves Steal ATM From Raytown Walgreens

X-mas desperation is already in full swing. And it isn't even that cold yet. I want a new gun for X-mas, so I can keep all of the killers in this town at bay.

Ben Affleck ruins all things good

Alias has been "Afflecked" with disaster and Jennifer Garner will never be sexy in my eyes again. This local blogger laments the situation. Really, it's quite sad . . . like when you lose a wallet or find out your ex-girlfriend is married to a Korean guy.

Don't Call Him Krut

Thankfully, this is not a mugshot of a local brown person wanted in connection with one of the endless stream of homicides in Kansas City. Kurt Ramos is pictured above and he's an up and coming comedian in KC. Standing at 6' 2 and 265lbs, he better have something funny to say to the cops or he could end up doing the Taser Dance nightly.

Kurt's blog "My Name is not Krut" details the progress of his stand-up career, upcoming show dates and some pretty funny insights. Check out his blogger bio for one of many laughs the page provides.

Harvesters In Need Of Holiday Donations

A generous donation won't make up for killing that guy in Reno but it's a start.

A list for the ages

Local blog Death's Door pens an amazing list of things that bother him. Don't bother trying to find a funnier post, you won't.

The future of comics in Kansas City

Local blogger Parrish files a very thoughtful and interesting post about the various local and regional groups catering to Comic artists. Apparently, local artists have had trouble organizing. Still Parrish looks to the future with optimism in terms of maintaining a sense of community.

New Blog: MilktoastKC

This is the blog version of the local humor site. Funny stuff. Great writing and a nice clean and green design.

My Classmates are All Dying

This local blogger files a great post on life and death.

Review: Dave & Buster's busted by local blogger Toast

In this hilarious review, one of the funniest bloggers in KC details how the establishment was packed like a sardine tin and bathed in the glow of a Big Brother-sized TV screen.

Money quote: "Dave & Buster's is like a Chuck E. Cheese chain for grown-ups."

Toast adds the new local hot spot to her "places to avoid" list.

Wake up white people! OR Black to the future

The murder of Robert Wynn Osborn is probably one of the most tragic and senseless crimes of the past year . . . if you’re a white person. If not, than I guess it could be considered affirmative action in reverse. See, brown people have been dying wholesale in this city and nobody has really taken any genuine steps to stop it. Now, the death of this innocent white guy is supposed to make us take a moment of pause.

Ironically, this murder brings together the very best of our racial animosity. Osborn was a hard working white man, just getting off the graveyard shift when he was killed. On the other hand, to describe his killers as animals would be an injustice to animals. Predators only kill what the need to eat; they never slaughter another animal out of boredom or simply out of the need to express cruelty.

I can’t emphasize enough how bad this murder reflects on the entire city. Racist white people have been proven right with this slaying: It’s not safe for whites to even show their face in a neighborhood that has a significant Black population. And Blacks can also use this case to further their persecution complex: Murders are only important and inspire outrage in this city when they happen to white people. Obviously, the only solution to this problem is to unite the two groups in an effort to kick Mexicans out of the country.

In the end, the response to this tragedy is just as stereotypical as the murder itself. Candle wax kingpin Alvin Brooks could only shake his head in a recent interview regarding the homicide and white City officials pass the murder rate issue back and forth like a hot potato. As the year draws to a close, the senseless murder of Robert Osborn will be filed as yet another cold statistic. His name will be listed next to all of this year’s (mostly Black) victims of murder. In death, they are all now equal.

KC's Arena Football Team: The Brigade

BlogKC reports on KC's new arena football team. They're now calling themselves 'The Brigade' and using a stealth bomber on their logo.

Accordingly, their opposition will be 9 year-old brown children. And there is no way they'll lose because if they fall behind they'll simply shoot the opposition from far away.

Arrowheadcase: Week 12 Picks via the Butterball Hotline

The guys at Arrowheadcase make their picks and pranks. Pretty awesome post with a neat pod cast.

Why post today?

A really smart person told me that while I may get fewer hits today, there would be a lot of people who would be grateful if I put up something so they can have an excuse to avoid their family and significant others. I'm always grateful to help somebody take their loved ones for granted.

The 1st annual TKC Turkey Awards!!!

I've heard from a lot of people that instead of paying a livable wage or giving out a bonus, quite a few local companies are giving a turkey to their employees for the holiday season. I've decided to do the same, except I'm going to award turkeys to all of this town's inept and insufferable personalities in the local media.

At first, I was only going to give away one award, but now I think I'll pretend that I'm The Pitch and award a turkey in a variety of different categories. However, unlike The Pitch I'm not going to accept bribes advertising dollars for this prize, because I already have a futon.

Larry Johnson: Biggest Turkey among local professional athletes



The first turkey award goes to Larry Johnson. Not only has this once suspected DL Brother had a couple of good games but he also made Karen Kornacki sniff his shoes during an embarrassing pre-game interview and somehow convinced every other local sportscaster in town to conveniently forget that he allegedly mopped the floor with a local skank only a few short months ago.

The Star's Steve Penn is a total turkey



It was hard to pick just one turkey to award at The Star. Mary Sanchez and Greg Reeves were runners-up but Penn's constant ass kissing and limp columns earned him the award. Good work buddy, unlike your job, this prize is the first thing you've won solely through your own merit.

Only a turkey would continue to support a war that the U.S. is losing



Nobody is bad mouthing the troops. Not one person with half a brain says that they aren't bravely fulfilling their commitment. Thing is, this was always a turkey of a war and now that Saddam is gone . . . Iraq will ultimately fall into chaos/civil war whether U.S. troops are there are not. This is Bush's war and he lost it. There is little support for sending one generation after the next to fight a war that is justified with one falsehood after the next. Yes, Iraq will be in chaos soon after we leave, just like it is right now. The only question is how many U.S. troops will die in the process.

It's disrespectful to call a cop a pig but KCPD Chief Corwin is definitely a turkey.



In his short tenure as Police Chief, Corwin has managed to duck responsibility for this city's skyrocketing murder rate by blaming teenagers and bad schools rather than taking any responsibility. Everyday, the brave men and women of the KCPD put their life on the line to protect, serve and shock the grandmas of the people of KC . . . they deserve someone as equally brave representing them. So far, Corwin hasn't contributed many new ideas to lowering the murder rate in KC, he's only participated in all the gobbling and worthless talk coming out of this town.

Never mind the local slaughter, turkeys just want to protest



Peaceful protest can be a powerful tool but mostly it's a way to meet loose, hippy bitches that love to screw and are pretty decent looking if you like a lot of bush and bit of underarm hair. However, local do-gooders committed to ending the war in Iraq, the suffering of the manatees or promoting the various uses of hemp have completely taken over the JC Nichols Memorial Fountain in order spread peace, love and the aroma of patchouli oil. Never mind that within walking distance of the fountain there is violence erupting on this city's East side that poses an even greater eminent threat to the safety of their fellow citizens. But it's so much easier to blame Bush, Cheney, Halliburton and the oil companies for the world's problems (and then drive back to Johnson County) than it is to actually live in the vicinity of Black people.

Of course you knew that turkey neck Kay Barnes would make the list



Country Club Kay Barnes is a turkey of a mayor for many reasons: She skillfully handed over the murder rate issue to Alvin Brooks and didn't really break her silence on the topic once. She has single handedly dedicated herself to putting food on the table of local luxury condo developers rather than protecting existing residents and neighborhoods. But more than anything else, Kay Barnes is a turkey because she manages to conduct all of her ponzi schemes and meaningless PR gestures with an evil grin and a seemingly clear conscience. As a side dish, I'd also like to note that KC's version of Karl Rove: Steve Glorioso seems to be every bit as complicit in putting this city up for sale as his boss. Both of them can eat my dark meat.

Local turkeys go wild for construction plans


From the proposed Downtown Baseball stadium, to the rolling roof, to the Sprint Center I'm always disappointed to see so many local turkeys think that tax breaks and arena football are going to revive this town's economy and bring white people back to the city. A vague promise of a Super Bowl nearly a decade from now is enough to get many locals so excited that they would even consider giving away nearly half a billion dollars to this town's corrupt local officials who have obviously mismanaged this town's existing dilapidated stadiums. Never mind that the folks from Johnson County love the talk of KC going into hock for their amusement but go bye-bye as soon as somebody mentions bi-state. It's time for a reality check for stadium boosters of all sorts: It ain't gonna happen because local voters may be dumb but they aren't crazy. This town can't afford to give that kind of money away and nobody likes being extorted by thug football players and a perennially awful baseball team.

That was fun. As always, thank you for reading and a Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Feel free to give out your own turkey awards or flip the bird to me in the comments section. Additionally, this will all seem even funnier in retrospect when we're all dead from Avian Flu.

New Blog: "A Damn Shame"

OZ McGuire is a local artist and DJ. He has a new blog that provides info regarding his upcoming gigs, his thoughts and a bit of background on the local art scene. Additionally, he provides some pretty great mp3 mixes of his shows.

Kansas City fugitive arrested in Omaha

Good thing they found the guy before he made it to a place where people actually led interesting lives.

KU Course to Teach Intelligent Design as Mythology

OR KU professors take a break from teaching socialism and queer theory in order to mock the crazy religious views of the people of their state . . . the half a dozen or so sober KU students probably won't mind as long as the policy of awarding a B's for paying tuition is maintained.

Stealing from illegals

Not to be outdone by construction companies or xenophobic fence building conservatives, local Mexicans rip off their own people with great efficiency than anybody else.

Cris Medina feeds the multitude

The Guadalupe Centers Inc. will hold its annual Thanksgiving luncheon today, serving at least 1,000 people.

Sweet Jesus, is there anything that guy can't do? Except maybe share power and information with the rest of the lowly Latino community.

School bus accidents on the rise in Missouri

Recently, two separate bus accidents in Missouri have injured more than a dozen students. Now that busing has completely destroyed the schools, I guess the only target left is the kids.

Cleaver ain't mething around

Today, Cleaver is in town announcing anti-meth initiatives in his never ending quest to get back at white people.

Man Delivering Meals Has Car Stolen

Local dirtbag reserves special place in Hell by robbing a guy delivering Meals on Wheels in KCK. OR Today Democrat ineptness in terms of punishing criminals trumps Republican social service cuts when it comes to starving old people.

KCPD standoff ends badly for dog and kid

Local cops looked for a murder suspect today, they didn't find him so they put down a pit bull and took a kid to jail instead. I don't like dogs or kids so I have to give the KCPD credit for a job well done today.

KU Hospital sets patient volume record

OR, You people are sick.

Police Investigate After Woman Stabbed Overnight

In Defense of Alvin Brooks

"If they're contributing to the problem, then the problem is very, very bad."

Local blogger Joe shares his thoughts about this town's Black leaders and their portrayal in the media and on this blog. Joe takes a thoughtful approach and identifies systemic issues that have contributed to the murder rate in KC.

"What’s a polite fat boy to do?"

On tipping Sonic servers. A question that has gone unanswered by those two gay guys in the funny commercials.

Northeast residents react to the "Stop the Silence" campaign

Community members argue that tougher sentences for violent, gun-wielding offenders are a more practical weapon against crime than public service ads.

Yet Another Fort Riley Soldier Killed in Iraq

A story of a guy only slightly sleazier than Steve Chamraz's reporting

KC Craigslist creeps me out

Because I never leave the house, I'm on the Internet constantly. From the looks of it, I'm not missing much but dangerous casual sex encounters and ugly looking motel rooms. Think I'm kidding? Craigslist, the Internet's most popular visiting stop before a trip to the free clinic, offers all of KC a peek at an interesting offer to hump some guy's girlfriend.

Be safe out there people . . . in fact, be really careful because it's clear that so many people aren't.

Okay, I won't front . . . I was checking Craigslist in search of a rich, blonde supermodel, who is mute, with poor eyesight and has a penchant for chubby Latinos and cooking chicken pot pies. A man has to have hopes and dreams. Again, kidding, thankfully I have a wonderful girlfriend, a horrible fear of germs and strangers and a wicked sense of humor that can't be abated and would probably ruin any opportunity for group sex.

The Star's top suburbs

KC Talk post the list of where to find KC's desperate housewives and jail bait skanks. Husbands commute out, the "service" industry commutes in . . . and we all hope for a happy ending.

God Bless a kiss-ass like Steve Penn

Penn quotes local Rev. Hartsfield making suggestions regarding economic development in order to fight the murder rate in KC.

Hartsfield doesn't think that vocational-technical schools are being pushed hard enough to young people from the urban core. “Everybody is not going to finish high school, and everybody isn’t going to college,” Hartsfield said. “So why aren’t we trying to train more kids? Technology is upon us.”

Lord knows that a good number of this town's Black preachers are infamous for being shakedown artists in search of nothing more than "donations" that aren't spent on their congregations. I don't know why anybody would take their suggestions for anything other than abortion clinics and strip clubs. Additionally, pushing vo-tech is a bad idea that traps more minorities than it has ever helped. I think nearly every one of my high school teachers suggested I learn how to fix heating and cooling systems for a living. Bastards.

If Steve Penn was interested in telling the truth, he'd bring up these facts . . . but it seems that he's way too busy providing uncritical, ass kissing coverage to all his high-powered homies in the Black community.

Divorced women cry wolf

A recent article from the Star offers even more reasons why you should never trust a divorced women when it comes to the well-being of your children. According to the article:

- Hundreds of calls each year to Missouri’s child-abuse hot line are baseless allegations lodged by divorcing or divorced parents.

- Prosecution for filing false claims is rare.

- Women are by nature vindictive, ruthless and cruel.

Clearly, child abuse phone lines are an important part of protecting children. However, as in all things, it's important to never take women seriously.

Merriam City Council Votes to Close Bars Earlier

Five other clubs must also suffer for the rowdiness and shootings that have plagued Rum Runners. On the bright side, this makes picking up suburban skanks that much more efficient.

Fox 4 plugs The Pitch

Nobody is upset over The Pitch's lame attempt to cause a controversy by conducting a murder pool of their own. People who really read the news are more offended by the murder of the alternative media that The Pitch represents. Obviously, without local bloggers, Backwash (the section where the item in question appeared) is nothing more than a place for lame corporate publicity stunts.

Most wonderful time of the year

These local shops are the best place to place to give your money to Jewish merchants in a weird sort of thank you gesture for them giving us our Lord and Savior. God Bless Capitalism!

Chairman: Downtown Stadium Summit Is Off

Yeah, it's a bad idea to listen to white people with grandiose plans. Harebrained schemes from white folks have been ultimately responsible for the Holocaust, bell bottom pants, hair bands, the wars in Iraq and every overpriced coffee shop on the planet.

Tactical Gear Stolen From Police Van

Grandmas across the city breath a sigh of relief.

"Hooter's and the Infinite Sadness"

Local blogger MToast laments the passing of a KC institution. Fortunately, the grease from the place will live on in our colon.

"Pudding is a worthy topic"

Take the bitter along with the sweet of this yummy post by local blogger Pomegranate Pretty.

"Jesus, Meet Evolution"

Just like religious folk who must not drink and gamble (in front of each other) it's not "either-or" it's "both-and" according to this local blogger.

Greg Reeves hates Mexicans too!

I've about had it with the corporate splog known as Crime Scene KC.

Punk, nerdy, bitch Greg Reeves has now shifted his ire toward Mexicans rather than just posting ubiquitous photos of Black people accused of crimes.

In a recent post, he notes that Mexican convicts will cost the state plenty of money for their incarceration. Playing his phony objectivity card, he casts all undocumented workers as criminals while refusing to note the criminal practice of hiring them undertaken by nearly every fast food joint in the nation, Wal-Mart and the U.S. Marines. Accordingly, he doesn't note that any American who has anything to do with these organizations (everyone) is complicit in the presence of so-called "illegals" in this country. Commitment to ending immigration is basically the endorsement of the 10 buck cheese burger.

Anyway, because I'm not dependent on disappearing classified advertising to keep this blog afloat I can just come out and call Reeves a punk and say that his blog is very much like some of the local hate sites out there only without the good music or stylish outfits. However, Reeves will probably dismiss me with some off handed remark in one of his many posts that detail the dirty deeds of this town's brown folk. All the while I'm sure he'll feel righteous indignation that someone would dare question the motives of his company or make assaults against his character. And then, he'll go masturbate in the shower while thinking about me. Have fun, Greg. Jerkoff. God forbid he show some courage and post a declarative sentence like a real blogger.

Downtown Beatdown

A story regarding a local man getting a world class Kansas City ass whipping has recently piqued my interest.

A man remains hospitalized after being thrown from a moving car near 31st and Main streets Sunday night.

Witnesses told KMBC that they saw the car with several people inside throw the man out of the driver's side door.

"I just saw a gentleman that was trying to get back in his car, they pushed him out of the car and continued to beat him as they pushed him out," a woman said.

I'm just wondering what the hell you have to do, in order to get your ass kicked that badly. Enough already with the "violence is an expression of frustration" PC garbage.

Sometimes people start throwing hands not because they are oppressed but because somebody seriously needs to get their ass kicked. I'm not condoning ass kicking but I understand it. People have their reasons. I once called an ex-girlfriend fat and she nearly took out one of my eyes with a set of keys. Another time, I punched a guy in the face for changing the channel and he screwed my ex-girlfriend years later . . . I guess what I'm saying is that Karma is a bitch and it isn't always fair . . . We all get what's coming to us whether it's a bullet for borrowing a lawn mower or a beat down for saying the wrong thing.

For every action, there is always the possibility of a completely inappropriate and extreme reaction . . . Which is why I stopped calling women fat years ago.

Help Wanted

The Merriam cops, who would have better luck catching a cold or harassing minority drivers, are asking for help with the latest homicide in their jurisdiction.

Merriam police have called in the Metro Squad to help investigate the shooting death of a 21-year-old man outside a club overnight, and police were seeking any information from the public that might help them catch whoever fired the gun.

It's kind of funny because normally, the only thing Merriam police are good at is escorting people who look like me outside of their city limits. But I guess everybody needs help sometimes, especially when all of the violence (read: minorities) that people from the suburbs try to escape ends up inevitably following them. Additionally, I don't know what kind of help the KCPD could offer, other than Tasering old ladies and killing people for brandishing toys.

The Star goes soft

The photo above is of an old T.Rex album cover. Like the dinosaur, the band's better days are long in the past . . . The same is true of The Kansas City Star. Once again there are reports of falling revenue for the aging KC institution.

The Kansas City Star's overall advertising revenue was "soft" and its classified ad revenue "flat" in October, parent company Knight Ridder Inc. said Monday. The company's overall revenue, though, increased for the month and the year through October.

This makes me wonder if the dinosaurs knew they were going extinct and if they even gave a shit. I mean, after a while all the carnage, killing and exercise of brute strength gets old . . . kind of like the war in Iraq. I've heard it said before that KC needs a "paper of record" like the Star but I'm sure there were also plenty of people who said the same thing about the last company in town making buggy whips or selling slaves. There's nothing sacred about printing the news, it's a business like everything else. It's demise is inevitable, just like your own. (Believe it or not, I'm really fun to talk to at parties.)

Tony is a douche

I just finished doing an interview for KC Currents about all things blog in KC. I tried to plug as many local blogs as possible but I'm sure I missed a few.

Other than making even more of an ass out of myself than I normally do on this page, I realize that I said something so utterly and completely stupid that it surprised me. I compared this blog and myself to Jesus. That's right, me and the big JC are one when I'm nervous and can't come up with anything interesting to say. Actually, I was joking but I said it with a straight face and a serious tone so I'm not sure how that will play on the radio. In case you bother to listen to the program this Sunday at 5-7 be prepared to listen to even more dumb insights and egotistical blather from me.

I've heard my voice before on my answering machine and it makes me want to kick my own ass . . . I loathe to think how many people will turn the station rather than listen to my nasal twang.

On the lighter side

Over the weekend, Councilman Terry Riley and a busload of local do-gooders hit the streets and urged their fellow citizens to rat out their neighbors. This is seen as a more assertive measure than waiting till a dead body to shows up and then lighting candles. Certainly, blaming poor people for the violence in their neighborhood feels better than standing out in the cold and crying.

The group also distributed information on public assistance to people of the neighborhoods they visited. Obviously, any dim-wit knows that there are root causes behind crime that have little to do with sappy public service ads. Mainly, that people are more likely to kill each other when they don't have a decent job. Call it human nature, idle hands or just a fact of life.

If the Councilman really wanted to so something besides pose for cameras and stir up his constituents who don't have anything interesting to do with their weekends, he might try helping to create some kind of entry level work that pays a livable wage for the people of his community. It's not exactly a novel idea, but ensuring that somebody has an opportunity to make cash the legal way is a hell of a lot more persuasive than just laying a guilt trip on them to do the right thing and remain broke. And as far as random violence is concerned, people with something to lose are a little bit more hesitant to kill each other over lawnmowers and basketball games.

In the end, door to door salesmen pushing Jesus, magazine subscriptions or re-election campaigns have rarely done anything to benefit society as a whole. In fact, second only to gunfire, they are the reason that poor people cower in fear in their homes.

Rose Kemp Dies at 72

The Star reports:

Rose Kemp, a Kansas City champion for women’s causes and equal rights, died Saturday.

Kemp, 72, was regional administrator of the Women’s Bureau at the U.S. Department of Labor in Kansas City, a job she had held since 1983. That job and her connections with advocacy groups put her front and center in efforts to improve pay, benefits and working conditions for women.

Curb your enthusiasm

I didn't know there was a team out there with less discipline than the Chiefs but, believe it or not, it's true. Boosters are gonna try to convince you that this is the turning point in the season but it's actually just a look into the future . . .

An expensive stadium hosting a horrible team.

However, I have to admit that Larry Johnson and Eric Warfield had a hell of a game. Who knew they were so good at running from somebody besides the cops?

Shooter "meant to do that"

Some poor guy was shot to death riding his bicycle home from work yesterday. The murder marked the 114th KC homicide this year.

And yes, I know the header and pic are in horrible taste but not nearly as bad as killing somebody on a bike and not nearly as cruel as the ineffective leadership coming from City Hall regarding the murder rate. If City officials are going to treat the homicides in KC as a joke (by fighting it with commercials and commissions), then I might as well too.

Jay Nixon has a strong pimp hand

Last week I linked to a story about Missouri Attorney General Jay Nixon attempting to seize more than a quarter of a million bucks from this state's prison bitches. Local blogger Joe left a really funny comment about this being a really severe pimp move and as you can see I decided to run with it with my piss poor photo editing skills.

I wonder if they'll let us blog from prison?

Town Topics: Sexual healing and other sordid stories

- Local nurses face harassment on the job. Or, sometimes a sponge bath with enthusiasm is just what the doctor ordered.

- Rockhurst University holds their annual tree lighting. Santa is expected to show up but the elves can't make it because tuition is too high.

- Cellphone yaking teenage drivers are dangerous. Captain Obvious unintentionally reveals his secret identity as a wire reporter.

- Holla if you hear me: An autobiographical story about a local deaf guy succeeding in school with encouragement from his mom makes me regret not listening to mine for the past 15 years.

- A former Missouri planning official didn't plan on getting jail time but he's going to the slammer anyway.

Don't fill up on the inbred

My favorite country music joke: What has 3 teeth and an IQ of 12?

The first three rows of a Toby Keith concert.

Local blog Gimpysoft offers a comprehensive review of Keith's new eatery at Harrah's. "With food so good it'll make you want to screw your sister." Or some other catchy marketing slogan.

Blogger Backtalk: Keep it on the down low

- "Why people you love shouldn't read your blog" Probably because they'll find out that all bloggers are in love with themselves far more than any significant other.

- Walk the Line review at local blog Doug's Digs.

- Local blogger Dan reports on a Rhodes scholar from KC. Best of luck to him. It's about time we had a studious person do something about all the potholes on the street. Har.

- Road to nowhere: "The finest highway in the world won't matter in a state where scientific illiteracy is now official educational policy." Lawrence blog Red Letter Day, drops science on the less evolved simians in Kansas.

- Crowd Control or Baby I don't love your way: This local blogger has a modest proposal regarding concert going parents.

Local blogger Mac finds yet another new dating service

"Farmer's only" but I'm guessing they have some kind of clause regarding sheep.

Happy in Bag launches a new music blog

Old school rap and a few other goodies from this local blogger.

Taff's homeboy pleads guilty

Things are starting to look bleak for a former shining star of the JoCo political scene.

John D. Myers, 49, had originally said he was innocent of a single count of wire fraud in the case of co-defendant Adam Taff, but he changed his plea and entered an agreement with the government.

They say there's not deal to testify against Taff but people always lie to you right before they jam a knife in your back. Also the story of Taff's alleged corruption and his friends possibly selling him out is yet another reason not to trust white people. As if you needed any more.

Local gamer makes 86k a year according to this story

Video gaming has become a big-money career for some. Never heard of Johnathan Wendel, a.k.a. Fatal1ty? Thousands adore him.

And the rest of us want to slap our mothers for taking away our games as a kid and encouraging us (me) to get a degree in Communication Studies.

Kay Barnes puts local Latino kids to work

Caption: "You missed a spot."

Local Latino kids learn that their future involves a lot of bus stops and painting. Kay Barnes looks on and smiles.

A Benefit for the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

Finally, there is truth in advertising. This event is going to be totally gay.

New Blog: The Fifth Estate

Local lefty blog with an interesting point of view. From the header: "People Should Not Fear Their Government. Governments Should Fear Their People."

Rock on.

Latino Writers Collective Reading

KC Hispanic blog lets everybody know about a reading tonight at the Writer's Place.

The reading will take place from 7 - 9 p.m. at The Writers Place, 3607 Pennsylvania, Kansas City, Missouri.

KC Bookstore Owner Protests Photo Change

Pete Cowdin, owner of Reading Reptile, said he noticed the change about six weeks ago while selling a copy of "Goodnight Moon," a popular classic written by Margaret Wise Brown and illustrated by Clement Hurd that was first published in 1947.

The photograph of Hurd published in the book for years showed him with a cigarette in his right hand, but in new copies brought out recently by HarperCollins Publishers the cigarette has been digitally removed.

The guy set up this website to protest. Whereas I would've just drawn the cigarette back in, along with a mustache.

Man Fires at U.S. Postal Worker, Police Standoff Ensues

71 gets even more dangerous.

Teachers Protest Student's Return with Sickout

Thirty-two Central High School teachers did not show up for work over safety concerns.

The teachers are angry over an apparent decision by Superintendent Bernard Taylor to allow a student back in the classroom after bringing a taser gun to school.

Now that's not fair. Maybe it wasn't an act of protest. I know that when I hear about nearly anything concerning Bernard Taylor and the school district it makes me wanna puke.

DayDream believers

The Star wastes a forest full of paper analyizing a plan that's never going to happen. And I thought I was bad for daydreaming about winning the lottery or fucking Eva Longoria.

Tax bills stun many Johnson Countians

Hypocrisy, racism, over consumption and white women are expensive. Damn inflation.

Sprawl is the plan in the Northland

Just like the rest of Kansas City.

Female inmates’ Web ads pay off

The 33 women have deposited almost $292,000 in their inmate accounts while in prison, Missouri Attorney General Jay Nixon said. He wants to take their money to help pay for their incarcerations.

Damn, again I feel like shit because I don't make jack from this site. But then again, I'm not a jailbabe. Everybody loves jailbabes.

Red light cameras are watching you

Or another excuse to buy a BB Gun. Wait, is that why they killed that guy? Damn, another conspiracy theory is coming together.

Anyway, I'll be okay with this as soon as they start putting up corporate corruption cameras. Yeah, that should make things square.

By the way, this commenter says that the idea proves that "Orwell would be vindicated" And it's true. I'm also kind of bummed that the KC's Orwellian corporate sponsored blog is obviously getting so much traffic, hits and comments. People are sheep, or is it pigs? I don't remember. I never read Animal Farm, I just mention Orwell to look smart.

Ghostbusters

Because I'm Mexican I'm supposed to believe in ghosts. Just like one of Stephen King's Mystical, Magical Black characters I'm supposed to be more in touch with my spiritual side. Too bad. I've never seen any proof of ghosts (and I don't want to) and I'm not encouraging you to overcome your personal demons and accomplish your goal. In fact, I'm rooting against you.

While I love a great ghost story, I can't stand people making money off of the superstitions of others. That's why I don't go to church anymore. In Kansas City there is a ghost expert that caters to the weak minded and out of touch. Whereas I would rather just let the dead rest in peace and let an occasional fool keep their money.

I don't know if there is life after death and it's not important. I don't really like talking to people in this life so I'm sure that it's not gonna change after I kick the bucket. Additionally, I once heard a theory that Heaven is for people who like to pray, sing and praise God and Hell is for people who like to whore around, drink, gamble, fight, look at porn and be an all around asshole. I don't know why but that comforts me even though it's just another afterlife pipe dream. Still, people should worry about this world way before they start thinking about the next. Most likely, the only ghosts that exist are in your mind.

Local Filipino dancers take stage at Folly this weekend

You'll love the show long time. It has a happy ending.

As a brief aside, I was trying to find a sexy photo of a Filipina but they all look 15 years old and that just seemed sleazy so I stopped looking. This glamour shot of Imelda will have to do.

Friends Show Support For Esmie Tseng

OR It just got harder to convince stupid kids to stop playing with knives. It's hard not to hate these dumbass kids, so I won't try. And this is just more proof that Asian people aren't really minorities, they rank somewhere between mascots and house pets.

Not you though, or your boy/girlfriend . . . You're one of the good ones. Ugh, see you can't even use that line because they're all good ones, even after they stab and kill somebody. I would blame Lucy Liu for all of this but I love her and I don't want to make her mad so close to our wedding day. That's right, we're getting married on top of a mountain, with singing and dancing and unicorns and YOU'RE NOT INVITED!

Strip Clubs Won't Return To KCK Anytime Soon

So you'll have to enjoy all of the filthy hookers roaming the streets of KCK instead. In other not so recent news, all politicians are obviously nothing but hypocritical, spineless, useless bastards.

This week in a very special "Sweatin the Small Stuff"

I know I wait for this post every week. I bet you do too. Once again, DD had me falling on the floor laughing like a set of dominoes knocked over by some insane bird. (Read the post for the reference)

UMKC's Ivanhoe House is a fucked idea!

A long time ago, back when there was hope of me becoming a mid-level manager at some corporation that secretly engaged in the slave trade, UMKC student housing was pretty lame. The dorms smelled like filthy foreign food and filthy foreigners. The smell of curry and freshly slaughtered cat emanated from the place. And just for good measure, every once in awhile you'd hear somebody yell out: "Allahu Akbar!" long before it was as hip as it is today. Nowadays, I yell it every time I'm in a crowded elevator just to get people to back off and I still don't know what it means. Kidding, I know it means "Kill Whitey!"

Well the days of the dingy dorms at UMKC are over. The administration is relentlessly (hopelessly) trying to create some semblance of student life and it all starts with a student housing project that's a vague reference to prostitution. It's some kind of free rent scam aimed at luring more white people into the ghetto. Here is an excerpt from one of their press releases:

Sophomores-Free Rent for mentoring! Become a part of Ivanhoe House! Ivanhoe House is a new initiative, located in Ivanhoe Gardens that will house UMKC students who will serve as mentors/tutors for middle school children that live in the Ivanhoe Neighborhood of Kansas City.

Sounds like a good plan but it isn't unless UMKC is giving away a PhD (Pimpin hos Degree) for participating in the project at the projects surrounded by whores and poor people (same thing).

College isn't about mingling with the lower races and helping people out. Why waste time with that when you could be implicated in a date rape? A really cool college dorm hosts casual sex, syphilis, at least one girl committing suicide, enough drugs to kill a Clydesdale and the worst music on the face of the planet. That's the kind of student experience UMKC should be trying to create, it would certainly help enrollment. And I have no idea why the University is encouraging students to live in the very dangerous neighborhood "bounded by 31st Street, Emanuel Cleaver II Boulevard, Prospect Avenue and The Paseo." The initiative is either a way to cut down on enrollment by getting students killed or maybe it's an urban education experiment aimed at making the boyz in the hood smarter by way ensuring their victims are more educated. Seriously, putting dumb college kids in the middle of the ghetto is noble right until someone gets killed. It's a bad idea and I encourage all the white girls attending to UMKC to forget about it and come live with me instead.

Hat Tip and thanks for the link: MM&I

Music links and weekend listings from The Event Driver

Blues Traveler at Harrah's...
Tony Bennet at Ameristar...
Clay Aiken at The Midland...
Karren Allyson at The Gem...
Munich Symphony at Carleson Center...
Links to clubs like O'Dowd's, 75th Street Brewery, Blue moose, Barley's
brewhas, Ivy's, Plaza III, and more...
Links to acts like Valentine, Ida mcBeth, Stan Kessler, Andy masters,
Joe Cartwright, Sean McNown, Kerry Strayer, Baby Lee, KC AllStars, Mark
Montgomery and more...

Thank you Event Driver. You make me realize how much fun I'm missing here in my basement with the tinfoil hat.

HRB Downfall?

Without this local blogger H&R Block seems to be doomed. Just another example of what happens when you mess with the local blogosphere.

Did you read that clearly Pitch people?

"Watch out Kansas City, she's having a fat day."

Nice. It's rare and brave that a women actually admits to this kind of thing. Strange because if TV viewing has informed me correctly all women do is talk to each other about feeling "not so fresh" and which plastic product fits more comfortably up their cooter.

Shallenburger vows to quit unless GOP heals

Yeah, it's time all the Republicans get on the same page. They need to stop fighting with each other about abortion and taxes and start concentrating on killing brown people and gay bashing. Let's not loose focus.

Officer Falls Several Feet During Suspect Chase

The officer chased the suspect, but fell about 10 feet off of a retaining wall during the pursuit.

The officer was released from the hospital with minor injuries.


OR Mel Gibson is a pussy.

Area United Way groups exceed fund-raising goal

The Alliance of Greater Kansas City United Ways raised $11,109 more than its $38.5 million goal for 2005.

Whereas I've been doing my best to step over beggars in the street and resist the temptation of kicking them in the eye. It's good to know that somebody is looking after those miserable bastards.

Man Charged With Assault In Road Rage Incident

OR More proof that white people have horrible tempers. Lucky for the victim that the angry dude didn't decimate his culture, rape his women and sell him liquor.

More details on The Roof

BlogKC brings you a pretty picture of KC's latest pipe dream.

Judge Won't Dismiss Charges Against Taff

Damn. This is the one white man I wouldn't mind seeing catch a break. So many people are put off by the accusations of financial impropriety facing Taff but I have to admit that I think Hitler looks okay when compared against (brown hater) Kris Kobach, the guy that Taff recently ran against.

Judge Rules Abortion Law Constitutional

Helping a young adult get an abortion could soon be illegal. Whereas not helping a young single mother is already commonplace.

Sheri is wack!

Nah, actually I think Sheri is pretty cool and lovely and wonderful but a bunch of angry mommies (are there any other kind?) decided to flood her site and diss her on their message board. I've always dreamed of the day when an army of women with floppy boobies would come after me . . . Sheri was glad for the traffic but a lot less enthusiastic then I would have been.

On the right foot

The Steve's Shoes in Prairie Village is reporting more than 16k of stolen merchandise. Truly, these are lean years if white people can't even afford to look nerdy anymore. I mean who the hell else is gonna steal penny loafers and Eastlands?

I (almost) understand

My Grandma is a lovely woman. Both of my Grandmas in fact are wonderful people. One was born in Texas and the other one came from Mexico. Both worked hard, paid taxes and never got into any trouble. I look at them and I couldn't understand why anybody would think that an open border with Mexico is a problem.

And then I read a headline like this: "Kansas City To Be Border Town" And it makes me nearly scream out: "They took yur jobs!" I don't know if any of you have been to a border town but it's not a pretty sight. In fact, in my few visits to the border I've felt like I needed to take a shower lest I get Hepatitis from simply looking at all the debauchery and filth.

It's not any easier on the Mexicans. There is some insane serial killer still running around near the border. And, when white people know that other white people aren't looking . . . They act completely insane. U.S. companies dump so many chemicals in Mexico that there are quite a few deformed babies born near many manufacturing plants. And don't get me started on the bungee jumping, for the love of God I'm begging you never to go bungee jumping in Mexico! They just don't have the regulations!

Anyway, all of this optimistic talk about free trade is bullshit. It only means that poor people on both sides of the border lose out and lose money. Wal-Mart and your boss are the only winners when corporations dictate border policy. Sadly, few people understand the complexity of the debate and they would rather just stir your anger against brown people. Which is fun, but ultimately unproductive.

Town Hall Meeting Tonight

There's a big Town Hall meeting tonight. I'm not going because they probably won't let me bring tomatoes. Here's the info:

Join TV journalist Frank Sesno, along with local government and business leaders--and your neighbors and co-workers--in a discussion about jobs and the economy in the Kansas City area. This is a unique opportunity to engage in a real conversation about important issues facing our families, communities and the nation. Make your voice heard. Share your ideas. Be part of this important Kansas City area event.

Thursday, November 17, 2005 - 6:00 P.M. - 7:30 P.M.

The event is located at:

The Town Square Room
Kauffman Foundation Conference Center
4801 Rockhill Road
Kansas City, MO 64110
Free Parking Available

The topic is supposed to be Kansas City jobs and the economy but I've been to this kind of event and the only thing people can do is pat each other on the back for sending all the manufacturing jobs down to Mexico. I guess it keeps even more of them from coming up here. Anyway, if you're in the neighborhood and you have some free time, might I suggest heading down that way and asking Mayor Barnes a few questions about our MURDER RATE (and how she handed off the issue to Al Brooks) or her ankle grabbing approach when dealing with local developers (It's not exactly good economics to do anything for a buck). I would go, but I already know the answers. All of them!!!

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but with a cough. That's right whooping cough is breaking out in Kansas and the Bird Flu is now killing people in China as well. All of this is a shame, sure human suffering is bad but I was also thinking about getting some General Tso's chicken this weekend and I'm now a little leery. Ugh, maybe they'll give me a discount.

With every issue The Pitch becomes as irrelevant as white rappers

Damn if I didn't laugh when I saw the cover of the recent Pitch. I'm sorry the guy's mom died and he's probably great but this issue screams SLOW NEWS WEEK. And it wasn't.

Everybody in this town criticizes KCTV 5 for their sensationalism and it's true but pushing futon ads on hipsters is nearly as over the top.

Ooooo. In more useful news, there is a half-off coupon for a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich on page 42.

"Weird. And who the hell is this?"

Blogger stalkers are out there people so be careful. That's why I let everybody know that I rarely leave my house because it's filled with enough firearms and snack cakes so that I can fight a whole army if I had to OR you could just read another blog.

A smoker chimes in on the Fairway smoking ban

Local blogger Rusty, in defense of coffin nails.

New Cheerleaders for the Chiefs: Meet Anneka & Lauren!

Yep, it's much better to meet them this way because if you met them in any other location they would ask you what car you drive or how much you make a year and then they would turn their back on you as you stood there awkwardly looking like a chump.

You only hurt the ones you love

It occurred to me today as I was watching a story about a man who is accused of brutally kidnapping and raping his ex-girlfriend that you only hurt the ones you love. I've said so many mean things to so many people and done so many hurtful things to the few, kind people who were good enough to stay in my presence for more than the length of an uncomfortable elevator ride.

It's time that I started letting the people that I love know it. Either that or I should start being meaner to strangers just to even things out.

Victim's Friends Upset Over Police Shooting

In response to growing unrest, supporters of truth, justice and the American way have issued the following statement: "Support our troops, support the KCPD, don't ask questions. Put on that tube top we like, and those cowboy boots, now put your leg on that chair, higher, that's the way we like it. Now grab your ankles."

Man Makes Citizen's Arrest Of Erratic Driver

OR Old white man saves the day by budding into other people's business. Please send this guy to the East side to help out and we'll all see how brave he is then.

Prosecutors Seek Death Penalty For Montgomery

While another death in this disgusting case won't bring anybody back and couldn't possibly give solace to anyone, it still makes the prosecutor look tough on crime. Thank God Americans don't believe in Karma.

Only losers need excuses

Here are two facts that are indisputable: The Chiefs will always suck and the U.S. has lost the war in Iraq. I am neither an expert in football nor foreign policy but I know a loser when I hear one.

It’s recently been reported that Chief’s running back Larry (woman beater) Johnson is apologizing for criticizing the offense and Dick Vermeil’s coaching. Similarly, at the risk of yet another heart attack VP Cheney is out there making excuses for the rising troop body count, the spread of International terrorism and the growing threat of the ever mounting insurgency.

In Johnson’s case, because most football players have a hard time reading and concentrating on anything but white women, his ignorance is almost forgivable. It’s no big deal that he had a good running day in a game where the offense didn’t score a touchdown. His trumpeting of his stats in a losing effort is nearly the textbook definition of a selfish player; a guy who is obsessed with his own stats and does little for the team. Still, maybe this incident will teach Johnson that winners don’t have to answer for their stupid remarks . . . Unless they are Terrell Owens.

Concerning Cheney, his adamant defense of the Iraq War is only a clear sign of its inevitable failure. Support for the war has consistently declined and it just keeps on fading. Billions of dollars and (more importantly) thousands of lives later, the threat of gay people and illegal immigrants just isn’t enough to motivate the American public anymore. Honoring the fallen by using more soldiers as cannon fodder just doesn’t make sense if there is no end in sight. Think for a second that “generational commitment” really means preparing for the fact that little kids in today’s classrooms will someday fight the same war. Much earlier in history, Richard I “the lionheart” (ghey) learned that the Arabs are stubborn bastards that live to fight and love jihad as much as blowjobs and so he eventually turned back. Call it “peace with honor” or call it whatever you want, the U.S. will eventually have to do the same.

And yet there is always a carrot that makes the dumbest of us keep pushing forward. In the case of the Chiefs, the (probably empty) promise of a Superbowl is supposed to get us to open our wallet for a team that will likely never participate in the event. Sadly, very few people have seen this gesture for what it is: A favor from the NFL to the Chiefs in order to help them siphon money out of this town with only a small and unlikely payback in return. As far as Iraq is concerned, I don’t know if it’s a case of unbridled patriotism, conservatism or NASCAR fumes that’s keeping a few, very vocal people wanting to pursue a seemingly endless conflict.

Midtown Woman Confronts Intruders

A young mother opened her bedroom door to find a man with a gun!

That's right, the reporters at KCTV5 actually saw fit to throw an exclamation point in there just in case you didn't catch all of the drama of the midtown break-in at gunpoint. I'm sure they're not too far away from using emoticons. Prepare to see a flurry of weather reports with frowns :( and reporting about KC's minority community with a wink ;) and maybe one of those internet sex stories with a shocked symbol :o

Teacher Assaulted

Police told KCTV5 News that Southeast High School Coach Reggie Walker was trying to break up a fight between two girls when he became the target.

According to the police report, a 16-year-old student told Walker to back off, then began pushing and hitting him.

Actually, this is kind of ironic. In suburban schools you always have to worry about the teachers hitting on the students. In the KC School district, it's the other way around and a lot more violent.

Local Stylists Help Domestic Violence Victims

File this one under "too little, too late." Maybe if they had gussied themselves up a little bit earlier, they wouldn't be in that situation.

Thunderdome

As a last ditch effort to save broken down Arrowhead stadium, the Chiefs are proposing to put a "rolling roof" on Arrowhead Stadium. While there is no guarantee, there is talk that the measure could bring a Superbowl to KC. However, that's not likely because the Chiefs haven't done it in more than a generation.

Anyway, if the plan goes through the renovated stadium will at least provide this town a place to store all of the poor people when the next natural disaster hits. Just like the Superdome in New Orleans. Still, a human disaster like that would at least be more interesting and more competitive than any of the games played by the Chiefs in more than a generation.

Additionally, I think they should change the name if they're going to slap a roof on Arrowhead. Call it Thunderdome. "$500 million enter, so losing team won't leave!"

Home work help line

Students in any grade level across the Kansas City area can seek help Monday through Thursday between 3:30 p.m. and 7 p.m.

Just dial (816) 877-0777.

When I get a problem, I usually just ask the phone sex girl. Turns out that women who get paid for sex (all of them) are actually quite enthusiastic to talk about anything else.

OR you could call the following number if you're having problems with your kid's education and you want a really effective solution:

1-800-GO-UHAUL

Burglar has a meal on the job

Kansas City police found a suspected burglar inside a victim's home Monday with a barbecue sandwich in one hand and a Coke in the other.

Nobody takes pride in their work anymore. What happened to the good old days when a burglar would simply rob you and masturbate on your bed?

Summit suggested on stadium proposal

If the summit comes off, it will host the largest number of bad ideas under one roof since the last Republican convention.

Metro Man to Serve Time in Federal Prison for Movie Piracy

Now if the MPAA and the RIAA can have you thrown in jail, I guess we should all go back to the days of worrying about cutting off those weird warning tags on furniture.

Arts center forms oversight committee

All the better for this town's art patrons to look down on you.

Intervention

I won't write that sometimes women just need to be slapped; even though it's true. Members of the old school know that sometimes everyone needs a good ass kicking. Still, the history of the world is pretty much the history of women being oppressed. Now that women of the Western world are starting to make headway we've seen a drastic improvement in public morality, common decency and the cohesion of the family unit. Ah, shit, that's right . . . none of that stuff happened and women having more rights just means they now have the right to be as ignorant as men have been for centuries. Awesome! It sure makes dating easier.

Now, because I am "all about" equal rights I won't say that Mayor Kay Barnes is acting like a shop-a-holic bitch on a bender. However, I must note that with all of the tax breaks that she's received and still been begging for, her promises of an economic boom in return for TIF money have gone unfulfilled. Like a dumb whore shopping for shoes, Mayor Kay has yet to find a construction project that hasn't tweaked her nipples. She continues to lobby (read: prostitute herself) for a basketball Hall of Fame and performing arts center in KC.

Mayor Kay Barnes, who pleaded for the tax incentives, pledged the state would be rewarded with tax-generating tourists attracted from across the nation.

The Missouri Development Finance Board approved an extra $4 million in state income tax credits for the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame, to be located at the new Sprint Center arena.

It also granted more time for the city to make use of $25 million in state tax credits previously approved for a Metropolitan Kansas City Performing Arts Center.

Similarly, we've all heard and lived the following lies before: Your wife's ass isn't getting fat. Your husband will soon stop drinking/cheating/beating you when he sees how much you love him. Your significant other will change "for you."

It's all the same lie. People don't change, but cities do. And this city has become hopelessly addicted to construction and empty promises of more (white) people, revenue and opportunity. However, the only significant change I've noticed is that the streets of downtown are harder to navigate, there are just as many potholes and downtown is crawling with just as many condo developers as condo dwellers. Still, Kay Barnes keeps on promoting her ponzi scheme and the only change I really hope for is a change in the moody, inconsistent, manipulative, vagina centered leadership that Mayor Kay has provided.

Old School

In this thoughtful and eloquent post, local blogger Joe blames everybody but the Black kids who actually commit violence in KC schools for the problem. Sadly, thoughtful journalism doesn't really drive ratings and intelligent posts don't do much for traffic . . . which is why I can't think of anything smart to say on the subject other than "thank God I didn't go to one of the KCMO public schools."

Abrams: Some Schools Teach Porn As Literature

And some schools teach that Columbus "discovered" the Americas and deemphasize the fact that the founders were pot growing slave owners. One set of these teachings is far more offensive and dangerous.

"It’s pure trash, and I lap it up."

Local blog Happy in Bag tries to explain his (and our) fascination with sensationalism in the media. OR There's a sex offender in your bedroom! How will this affect your child? And why do local minorities want to kill you? Click the link to find out.

Tainted Love

The lovelorn posts of the KC Fat Chick continue. Old flames flicker but the loving glow of the computer screen is eternal.

"Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price" Review by Sirvinegar

I'm gonna wait till the movie comes out on video and make a night of it. I'll invite all of my friends over to watch the DVD and share our thoughts, criticisms and concerns after the movie. Now, where could I find a good price on a DVD, a DVD player and a giant bag of popcorn? Damn.

Update: Local blogger Heidi also shares her thoughts on the film. Damn, two for one discount, how apropos.

Not so trigger happy: "Police shooting victim had BB gun"

The Star reports this latest KCPD screw up with cold objectivity. This is the second time in recent memory that the KCPD has killed somebody for threatening them with a toy.

It's sad that the police seem to be contributing to the local body count rather than working to stop it.

There are so many defenses for this shooting: He was making threats, the cops have to protect themselves, it looked real, blah, blah, blah. All of those reasons to justify the shooting are correct, but in the end, a person is dead for carrying a weapon that can barely break the skin.

And no matter how many public service commercials they make, no matter how many community meetings the cops attend, the people of KC know that one screw up in close proximity of the KCPD will get you killed. Now ask yourself this: Does "the shoot/taze first and find out you're wrong later" policy have something to do with the reason why most people aren't co-operating with the KCPD?

Obviously, (lethal) actions speak louder than public service ads.

Help a brother out

I don't know if Steve Penn is out to prove that The Star only hires minorities when it is a clear example of why affirmative action is ineffective but he's doing a great job of embarrassing himself with his uncritical reporting.

Penn's latest column is an ass kissing exercise to benefit Wayne Cauthen and his new contract. Now I know that it's important for people of color to help each other out (just like white people do) but I expressed the same sentiments about Cauthen's fat bank roll almost a week ago and did so with a lot less ass kissing and Hell of a lot more wit, charm and cuteness. I'm good like that.

I hate to point out that Penn is being lazy and shiftless but his column is simply out of date and mediocre. Clearly, the only Black guy's job he should worry about is his own.

Crazy little women

When I heard that a woman from a local college had gunned down her former boyfriend in front of his apartment, I automatically knew that she went to CMSU. Furthermore, I'm not surprised that authorities suspect the bitch could be crazy.

CMSU is a haven for crazy women. There are lots of reason for this but I'll only name a few. Their admission requirements are very low and consist mainly of being able to write your own name. It's a prime recruiting ground for The Million Dollar Fantasy Ranch. I've never met a broad that went to CMSU that didn't at least contemplate showing her boobs for money at that place when times were tough. And finally, a lot of Black people go to CMSU. Not a bad thing, but college usually offers the first experience with interracial dating for young white women and at CMSU it's pretty much a graduation requirement for the coeds to hump a Black dude. It's not surprising that their first sexual experience with a Black man leaves them a bit loopy. After all, it's hard to break down the walls of intolerance and defeat prejudice.

All of these facts taken into consideration guarantee that any woman who has attended CMSU has most likely endured some serious emotional and psychological damage. Clearly, they are a threat to the surrounding community.

Pervy

Okay, I know that The Star is trying to lure new readers but this is pretty sleazy way to announce that it might snow today.



Ewww. I'm just glad they didn't include a pic.