The 1st annual TKC Turkey Awards!!!

I've heard from a lot of people that instead of paying a livable wage or giving out a bonus, quite a few local companies are giving a turkey to their employees for the holiday season. I've decided to do the same, except I'm going to award turkeys to all of this town's inept and insufferable personalities in the local media.

At first, I was only going to give away one award, but now I think I'll pretend that I'm The Pitch and award a turkey in a variety of different categories. However, unlike The Pitch I'm not going to accept bribes advertising dollars for this prize, because I already have a futon.

Larry Johnson: Biggest Turkey among local professional athletes



The first turkey award goes to Larry Johnson. Not only has this once suspected DL Brother had a couple of good games but he also made Karen Kornacki sniff his shoes during an embarrassing pre-game interview and somehow convinced every other local sportscaster in town to conveniently forget that he allegedly mopped the floor with a local skank only a few short months ago.

The Star's Steve Penn is a total turkey



It was hard to pick just one turkey to award at The Star. Mary Sanchez and Greg Reeves were runners-up but Penn's constant ass kissing and limp columns earned him the award. Good work buddy, unlike your job, this prize is the first thing you've won solely through your own merit.

Only a turkey would continue to support a war that the U.S. is losing



Nobody is bad mouthing the troops. Not one person with half a brain says that they aren't bravely fulfilling their commitment. Thing is, this was always a turkey of a war and now that Saddam is gone . . . Iraq will ultimately fall into chaos/civil war whether U.S. troops are there are not. This is Bush's war and he lost it. There is little support for sending one generation after the next to fight a war that is justified with one falsehood after the next. Yes, Iraq will be in chaos soon after we leave, just like it is right now. The only question is how many U.S. troops will die in the process.

It's disrespectful to call a cop a pig but KCPD Chief Corwin is definitely a turkey.



In his short tenure as Police Chief, Corwin has managed to duck responsibility for this city's skyrocketing murder rate by blaming teenagers and bad schools rather than taking any responsibility. Everyday, the brave men and women of the KCPD put their life on the line to protect, serve and shock the grandmas of the people of KC . . . they deserve someone as equally brave representing them. So far, Corwin hasn't contributed many new ideas to lowering the murder rate in KC, he's only participated in all the gobbling and worthless talk coming out of this town.

Never mind the local slaughter, turkeys just want to protest



Peaceful protest can be a powerful tool but mostly it's a way to meet loose, hippy bitches that love to screw and are pretty decent looking if you like a lot of bush and bit of underarm hair. However, local do-gooders committed to ending the war in Iraq, the suffering of the manatees or promoting the various uses of hemp have completely taken over the JC Nichols Memorial Fountain in order spread peace, love and the aroma of patchouli oil. Never mind that within walking distance of the fountain there is violence erupting on this city's East side that poses an even greater eminent threat to the safety of their fellow citizens. But it's so much easier to blame Bush, Cheney, Halliburton and the oil companies for the world's problems (and then drive back to Johnson County) than it is to actually live in the vicinity of Black people.

Of course you knew that turkey neck Kay Barnes would make the list



Country Club Kay Barnes is a turkey of a mayor for many reasons: She skillfully handed over the murder rate issue to Alvin Brooks and didn't really break her silence on the topic once. She has single handedly dedicated herself to putting food on the table of local luxury condo developers rather than protecting existing residents and neighborhoods. But more than anything else, Kay Barnes is a turkey because she manages to conduct all of her ponzi schemes and meaningless PR gestures with an evil grin and a seemingly clear conscience. As a side dish, I'd also like to note that KC's version of Karl Rove: Steve Glorioso seems to be every bit as complicit in putting this city up for sale as his boss. Both of them can eat my dark meat.

Local turkeys go wild for construction plans


From the proposed Downtown Baseball stadium, to the rolling roof, to the Sprint Center I'm always disappointed to see so many local turkeys think that tax breaks and arena football are going to revive this town's economy and bring white people back to the city. A vague promise of a Super Bowl nearly a decade from now is enough to get many locals so excited that they would even consider giving away nearly half a billion dollars to this town's corrupt local officials who have obviously mismanaged this town's existing dilapidated stadiums. Never mind that the folks from Johnson County love the talk of KC going into hock for their amusement but go bye-bye as soon as somebody mentions bi-state. It's time for a reality check for stadium boosters of all sorts: It ain't gonna happen because local voters may be dumb but they aren't crazy. This town can't afford to give that kind of money away and nobody likes being extorted by thug football players and a perennially awful baseball team.

That was fun. As always, thank you for reading and a Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Feel free to give out your own turkey awards or flip the bird to me in the comments section. Additionally, this will all seem even funnier in retrospect when we're all dead from Avian Flu.