Know when to fold'em

I won't make fun of this poor woman's misery because Lord knows I've got problems of my own. But damn if stories like this aren't a good advertisement for why you shouldn't spend your every waking moment and the local gambling dens. Apparently, this local lady was so strung out and broke from gambling that she may have flung herself into a riverboat casino moat.

A gambler walked out of a Kansas City casino Friday and apparently jumped into a moat, police said.

The 55-year-old Kansas City woman suffered life-threatening injuries in the noon incident at the Isle of Capri, 1800 E. Front Street. She remained in a hospital Friday night. Police did not release her name.

Mike Tamburelli, the casino's general manager, said the woman was a customer, but he did not know whether the incident was related to her gambling.

Police said she had spent about $115,000 at the casino in recent years, including $300 on Friday. She was also facing the first payment of a restitution sentence for a stealing conviction.

Jackson County Court records show the first $75 monthly payment is due Monday. She was ordered to repay more than $1,800 that she stole from a previous job.

Surveillance video shows her leaving the casino and taking a covered walkway toward the parking garage, police said. The walkway crosses the 16-foot-deep moat.

The woman left the camera's view before apparently climbing over a railing and dropping 27 feet into the moat. Police said they found no indications that she fell or was pushed.

About 10 minutes later, a couple leaving the casino saw the woman's purse and casino club card on the walkway, then spotted the woman floating face down. They notified employees.

Here's a few links with more details about the story:

• Casino customer found floating in moat
• Gambler Finds Floating Woman at Casino
• Rescue Crews Pull Woman Out Of Casino's Moat

Considering the numerous gambling options in town, the scores of people they employ and their considerable profit margins . . . it's a wonder that people don't realize that casino gambling is the equivalent of giving your money away. There's this quote from 'Vegas Vacation' that pretty much sums up my approach to dealing with gambling addicts:

"Why don't you give me half the money you were going to bet, then we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts and we'll call it a day!"

That would probably feel a lot better than nearly drowning in a casino moat and would definitely be a lot cheaper.

Thanks for reading this week folks. Have a fun and safe weekend. If you're going to fling yourself into any bodies of water, know how to swim or wear a lifejacket.

Give a little bit

I've heard that if you give somebody your chocolate milk in prison you're only a few steps away from taking it the ass for the remainder of your sentence. It sounds silly but I'm sure it's true. You give away something and then people start to take.

The following story about a family of organ donating fools makes we want to punch all of them in their good kidney.

A metro-area family calls itself the One Kidney Club.

Five members of a Shawnee family have all donated a kidney. The generosity of Tom and Joyce Falsey and three other relatives has been featured in national magazines and on TV shows.

Now what happens if one of their remaining kidneys goes bad? Like Blanche Dubois they'll just "depend on the kindness of strangers." Good luck. I'm taking all my organs with me to Hell. I imagine that in their hour of need they'll be earnestly praying for a drunk driver to make the most of the night and put an end to some prom queen's party.

Around Town: Shot through the heart

Shots ring out through the Greater KC Area. KC murder rate looks like it's headed to the top of the charts. Could be number one with a bullet.

• Two Shot in KCK
• KCMO Home invasion
• Sprint Stock Soars. Alternate titles: "Remember the 90's" or "Deat Cat Bounce"
• Homeless Man Threatens Hispanic Family Background: This is actually a funny story and involves a machete and a few (minor) community leaders looking for publicity.

Combat

Relatives Believe Soldier Was Murdered. She's the first female soldier from Missouri to be killed. However, she wasn't killed during combat but she was found with a her teeth smashed in and a bullet in the back of her head. Hummmm, what other profession (other than soldier) runs a high risk of a violent death? Don't worry I'm not high. I wouldn't dare suggest that there are a few people in the Armed Services who might be involved in the drug trade. I support our troops no matter what substances they might (or might not) be using.

No Show (Tony is stupid)

I'm performing brain surgery today (OR doing something else that's none of your business). That's why I can't do a short spot on The Big Dumb Fun Show. This post is a public apology to the BDFS guys and to all those who take me at my worthless word.

Another part of the visit was going to be an opportunity to get some pics of their new studio for all to see. But it looks like that won't be happening anytime soon. Damn, I'm a dork. I've given permission to the BDFS guys to kick my ass the next time they see me.

In the meantime, go check out their show and let some people with real talent entertain you.

One of my favorite stupid old jokes

Vandals sack new skate park. Those fucking Vandals, first Rome and now this. Bastards!

The graffiti scrawled in black marker came first.

Then there was the expensive park sign destroyed by two young men throwing rocks at it. Another boy urinated in public, in front of a police officer.

Since Prairie Village’s new skate park opened in early June, city leaders and police have watched the complaints stack up. And after two boys had a mud fight inside the park following last weekend’s rainfall, the city’s public works director decided he’d had enough.

Wednesday morning director Bob Pryzby closed the park. He doesn’t plan on reopening until Saturday morning.

No skate park for JoCo kids for awhile. I guess now they'll have more time for playing XBox and buying drugs from KCMO kids.

Grandma was Guilty

Shocking, but that old lady who the KCPD worked over had it coming to her.

The couple at the center of a taser dispute learned their fate Wednesday. 67-year-old Louise Jones and 76-year-old husband Fred Jones both received a year of probation, after being found guilty of resisting arrest and attempting to injure an officer.

I feel so much safer now that the KCPD is empowered to beat the shit out of Grandmas across the city. Because we all know that it's Grandmas behind the recent crime wave. No more will this city have to suffer under the tyranny of chocolate chip cookies and hugs. The KCPD is now sanctioned by the courts to keep Grandmas at bay. Those sneaky little bitches, you never know what they're holding underneath those shawls. Drug dealers and drive-by shooters beware, the KCPD is kicking granny ass and now they're coming after you. Eventually.

Foreclose our Troops

A bank wants to foreclose the on the home of a solider living in Harrisonville.

The soldier and family are busy writing members of Congress and approaching the media for help.

However, truly supporting a soldier and his family (you know with money out of your pocket) is nowhere near as much fun as insulting the gay guy at work who listens to The Strokes and still wears his "Vote for Kerry" button out of spite.

Sportsmanship

I'd gladly risk my life to fuck a few cheerleaders but there's no way I'd die for the glory of a mediocre squad like the Tigers. Unfortunately, it looks like the MU football player who expired during practice didn't have a choice:

The Missouri football player who collapsed on the field and later died after a preseason workout wasn't immediately taken to the hospital across the street once he was unconscious but instead driven to the football team's offices, a university police report shows.

Part of going to college is learning that taking one for the team isn't a good idea. When you're old enough to watch football from the college stands, you're old enough to know that coaches aren't "leaders" they're just people who majored in P.E. and they shouldn't be respected. Fuck you coach, wherever you are . . . It's a tragedy that this kid died. However, the story might make a great paper that could deconstruct the meritocratic ideal enforced by the culture surrounding football. Yep, some pencil neck twerp who doesn't need a scholarship could really write a great essay if he set his mind to it.

Streets of Fire

Between a drive-by or just plain driving down the street. You take your chances on the streets of KC. That's why I'm posting this from my mom's basement. Where I'm safe and sandwiches and cable TV are delivered daily.

Stray Cats

There are more Bobcats than Black people in Liberty. And that's just one of many reasons why nobody cares what happens there.

Blogger Backtalk: Fight for your right

Local bloggers slug it out on the streets of KC and pound the keyboards in order to punch out some great posts:

• The KC Kitty posts a link to "The Ali Kemp (TAKE) Foundation self-defense training program for women. I hope this isn't too cruel, but it clearly didn't do Ms. Kemp any good.


• Chronic takes on Da Man: "Cops seemingly have the right to do whatever they want and we the people of this, "the W-ocracy" have allowed ourselves to be stripped of our 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th 8th and 9th amendment rights."


• Death's Door on a recent racially insensitive contest: "I guess the reason this fucks me up so bad that besides being stupid, it teaches kids that certain shit that used to be wrong is now ok."


• Local blogger Faith has a new boyfriend and everything is right with the world. Read this post and THEN ask me why I hate women.


• Happy in Bag pens a great post about all kinds of pipes getting cleaned out in the West Bottoms of KC.

Verbiage

If you understand trade agreements and campaign finance you'll love the following two posts:

• FDM examines Moore and the CAFTA


• Thoughts from Kansas takes on FDM for "unprincipled opposition." (Strange, because everyone knows that principled opponents are usually on the losing side.)

If you can't follow these blogger polemics, just keep reading and wait for the word "cocksucker" to appear.

Blogger Backtalk: You look mahvelous

Local bloggers are looking, feeling and writing good (well!) lately:

• This local blogger reports on the Fringe.
• Local blogger Heidi does the busstop with three other white girls. It's not the wet dream of a downtown cheerleader but a great photo and post regarding KC's new MAX rapid transit bus line.
• Music news and links from local blogger Andrea.
• Lovely local blogger Sheri is looking good. True dat.

Nickname

The KC Zoo is offering you the chance to name four new African lion cubs.

A “Name That Lion Cub” contest runs today through Aug. 21 at Kansas City area Hy-Vee stores. Winners will get a zoo family membership, a $100 Hy-Vee gift card and other prizes.

Let's see, how about bond issue, pothole, loft and condo. I think those names accurately reflect KC.

(I know, I know. They are lion cubs, not tigers but Rosario is damn hot)

Give till it hurts.

The Habitat ReStore, which raises money for "Habitat for Humanity" has been robbed four times in the past eight days.

In the latest incident, which occurred either late Monday or early Tuesday, a vehicle was driven through the front of Habitat ReStore, 4701 Deramus Ave., and a 500-pound safe was taken.

Now there's a capital idea. Why steal from houses when you can just rob the agency who builds them.

Stiffed

Will the KC School District have to pay millions the local Charter Schools that didn't really do that much good?

The Star Reports:

The Kansas City School District has suffered a setback in its battle with charter schools over millions of dollars in state funding — a total that could top $45 million.

Cole County Circuit Judge Thomas B. Brown III has tossed out four of the district’s five arguments for withholding millions of tax dollars from charter schools, including the district’s central claim. But Brown said the district could proceed with a claim that the state acted capriciously in ordering the payments.

District officials estimate the annual payments at $4 million to $6 million.

That's a pretty nice chunk of change. With that money, Charter School could afford to buy a few promising KC students a fleet of cars . . . so they can commute to a decent school district.

Love don't live here anymore

I'm guessing that marriage counseling might be out of the question. Too bad, you have to work at relationships and I hear that conjugal visit sex is hot.

• Judge Grants Divorce To Wife Of BTK Serial Killer

Love means never having to say your sorry for killing all those people. I guess the "for better or worse part" does not include brutal murder and torture. This probably puts the whole, "leaving the seat up" thing in perspective.

Computer tip of the day

If you're going to steal bandwidth. Don't steal it from a former cop.

It's the little differences

New Yorkers can't tell the difference between KCK and KCMO. The distinction is tougher than you think. There are minorities in both towns but you tell me the how to distinguish rednecks from hillbillies.

For fun, guess which epithet belongs to what city.

Hot Dog Wars OR Street Life

Somebody is threatening an opponent to downtown vendors. If it were me, I'd be scared. I have absolutely no idea what they put into those hot dogs.

Payback

The Verdict against the projectile vomiting smartass student is so sappy it makes me want to puke. If the corpse of Mark Twain was brought back from the dead, it would write something like this and then go into the night and eat someone's brains. Besides, many teachers will attest to the fact that cleaning up puke is no worse than teaching bratty suburban kids.

Meet the Neighbors

Rats are invading Brookside. New rodent residents are only slightly more annoying than downtown condo and loft dwellers. Additionally, the rats probably have better hygiene and fewer sex partners.

Spooky

Beloved KC man dies in a haunted house accident.

Wanted

There are many alleged killers on the street in KCK. This one made the news.

Blogger Backtalk: Hungry like the wolf

Here are the local bloggers I'm reading right now. Good Stuff:

• Are you an alcoholic? Probably, but you’re also ugly.
• Happy in Bag is really happy about his latest trip to a local barbeque joint.
• Parrish thinks Wonka movie is sweet.
• Duran, Duran concert review from The Whole Wheat blogger. Yeah, you read right.
• A local single woman in KC changes her blog and skews her content toward sex questions. I imagine the next change to her site will come about ten years from now, when she’s calling her page: “Hot dog down a hallway.” Update: Here's a shot of the single KC gal showing off her pussy. Enjoy, you freaking perv!

Hype after death

Now, when local rap producers offer young KC rappers a life filled with "hits" I wonder if the young lyricists know what lies ahead. Apparently, local rapper Jermaine Hughes had a rap career moving as fast as the bullet that would eventually kill him.

However, dying isn't that bad of a move for a rapper. Tupac seems to have been very productive after his death and it hasn't managed to put an end to his CD releases yet. And the way P. Diddy keeps on mentioning Biggie every other sentence, you'd think that the guy is at his house or something, raiding his refrigerator.

Yep, the KC rap scene is booming, local acts are making a killing, KC rappers are producing one hit after the next and I'm sure all of this notoriety will lead to many more young rappers looking for their shot.

Kind of makes you long for the jazz age. Those guys only killed themselves through drug abuse and still managed to entertain people while they were doing it.

Westport Rapist

Like Kaiser Soze, the Westport rapist was a kind of mythic archetype that frightened anyone who lived in midtown during the latter half of the 20th century.

Local skanks knew that if they partied just a little too hard The Westport Rapist was out there waiting for them. Yell at your woman too much, she’ll go out walking and maybe run into the Westport Rapist. You’re a successful career woman and don’t think you need a man? The Westport rapist is out there and he likes that you’re so independent.

No more. Authorities think they’ve finally found the identity of the Westport Rapist thanks to DNA evidence. You know, the same DNA evidence that incriminated O.J. Simpson so clearly that he now resides in a jail cell . . . wait. Anyway, young sluts, barflys and lonely women no longer need to fear the Westport rapist and should feel free to engage in risky behavior after dark.

Flush

BlogKC reported yesterday about the mounting opposition to water/sewer bonds. Overall, it seems like a shitty proposal. Both opposition groups claim that distribution for the funds is unspecified (for the condo and loft dwellers not you) along with the rate increases that will be inevitable.

More importantly, the whole “special election” tactic is as slimy as a local sewer. It’s a method used to get special interest groups what they want. Sewer/water bonds don’t really turn anyone’s crank so the polls probably won’t be crowded. They’ll get their money because their supporters will vote for it while the rest of the citizenry will be stuck with the bill. If my site was more serious I’d urge you to go out and vote no. Instead, I’ll just advise you to grab your wakeboard and enjoy the ride this town is taking down the toilet.

Veggie

I don’t trust men that don’t eat meat. Women are different. I’ve never believed that women poop, at least not white women. For a woman, not eating meat can be a fashion statement, a conversation piece or just a better alternative to a diet of puking and crying.

In KC, there are a ton of vegetarian options. I can only hope that men who do not eat meat are doing it as some kind of ruse in order to impress vegetarian chicks. I guess cutting back on the burgers in order to play “hide the salami” is a reasonable forfeiture. And who knows, you may like having your salad tossed like most vegetarian dudes.

Pussy

What kind of horrible person would beat a bunch of cats to death with a shovel? That’s just cruel and a horrible waste of food. It’s much more humane to take them to a nearby body of water and put them in a tied bag with a brick. That’s what they used to call “animal control” in the old days.

Here are the hardcore details from this story about a pair of Independence, MO cat killers that are sure to incur the wrath of feline lovers everywhere:

Two Odessa men, living in an Independence mobile home park, face a total of 13 animal cruelty charges. Jeffrey Hoeppner, 29, and Brian Kleoppel, 31, are accused of beating five cats to death with a shovel.

Independence Animal Control Manager Amy Wells says when her officer arrived at the trailer, he found five cats dead in a trash can and a bloody shovel in the trailer. Wells calls this one of the most extreme cruelty cases she has seen in her eight years with Animal Control.

This story reminds me of another animal cruelty incident that involved the video taped torture of a poor dog named Scruffy. Strange, there was more unanimous rage regarding that video tape than there was about footage of Rodney King getting his ass kicked. Anyway, sadly there is no video of this tragedy. Otherwise, I’d make a fortune selling it as a snuff film treat for dogs.

Busted

Local blogger Heidi says goodbye to the 56. It’s the end of the line for this historic KC bus route. With little fanfare, a small segment of KC’s transportation history came to an end.

Kansas City doesn't take much pride in its buses, and the last run of the 56 tonight was a lonely one at its south end. Perhaps some people boarded it later specifically for its final northbound stops...

Sunday morning some people will make a big deal of the first MAX run--but tonight, it's goodbye to the 56.

The era of KC’s old, nearly abandoned bus line is over. The era of KC’s new, deserted bus line has just begun. I can’t wait to not use it.

Flame On

Fire rages on the West Bottoms. I hope all of the hip artists that live down there are using protection. Still, everybody knows that fucking around with "creative" people is a good way to get burned. Does crying and sweating bullets at the free clinic count as performance art? Finally, "Burning Bottoms" sounds like a great name for an art exhibit . . . it's hard not to envision something wonderfully gross like a display of a bright red starfish on a canvas oozing with a mixture of multi-colored paint strewn all over the place . . . A kind of wink to Jackson Pollock's work.

Summer Spree

The idea of a real life team of “fashion police” could be quite useful. A recent local crime spree gone wrong demonstrates the danger posed by tasteless crooks:

Police said they didn't take anything there, but went to the Target on Shawnee Mission Parkway. They said that is where they stole a moped and an El Camino . . . When police showed up they said the suspects ran and hid inside a woman's basement.

When her son walked in, they allegedly stabbed him twice in the arm.

He was expected to be okay.

All of this violence could have been avoided if these guys would have been arrested years ago for sporting a mullet or a muscle shirt. Think about it, it’s always the kid still wearing the “Member’s Only” Jacket in high school that eventually grows up to be a date rapist. The Junior College skank who became a hooker probably started with a lower back tattoo or maybe just excessive use of a hair crimper. Serial killers can’t leave the house without their denim jackets and I’ve never even heard of a drug dealer who didn’t own at least two pairs of patent leather basketball shoes.

Thankfully, these vulgar villains are behind bars. Their days of robbing campy vintage cars and toys for gay men are over. But somewhere there is a young girl wearing a dress over a pair of jeans that will bring this whole civilization to an end. Only the advent of the “Fashion Police” will save us. Either that or we can simply start shooting every young woman who owns a CD by the Indigo Girls.

You can call it Raytown

Offenders with a warrant in Raytown have a four-hour window on Aug. 10 to make good on the original citation without having to post bond. Unless they are Black or Latino, and then odds are they're also wanted on some other charges in a few different places as well.

If you build it

Kit Bond helps frightened Northlanders more easily escape all of the brown people in midtown KC.

Sen. Kit Bond on Sunday formally announced the appropriation of $50 million in federal funds to help replace the Paseo Bridge.

Bond earmarked the additional funds for the busy Missouri River crossing in a $286.5 billion transportation bill that is expected to pass the Senate within days.

I'm sure they'll probably name the bridge something new. Here are some suggestions:

• Kit Scaredy Catwalk
• Bridge over tepid waters
• Bada Bridge (In honor of all the Italians who live up North and import pointy shoes and big hair into the metro every day)
• 2nd place to Johnson County Connection
• Pre-approved Passage
  
  

Yo Mama!

A naked, pot smoking mom in a compromising situation . . . It's not just a fantasy, it's the latest advice entry from "Ask a Pothead."

Do the Bus Stop

What do I do in my spare time? Well, finding time between looking at porn and Internet stock scams is hard to do. But I have to admit that trolling Internet message boards is a favorite pastime. My latest response at BlogKC is sure to piss off downtown cheerleaders and whoever might recognize my writing style from the "Hot Asian MILF's and midget" message boards.

Bitches better have my money

The University of Missouri system will give $500 scholarships to students in order to settle a recent tuition lawsuit. My degree really hasn't helped me at all, so I'll just call this "cash back" and wait on the other tens of thousands of bucks (my parents) wasted on my education.

Where the white girls aren’t

KCMO pools open

On the go

The Missouri Downtown Economic Stimulus Act allows local lushes to carry alcoholic beverages outside of bars, onto sidewalks and into other bars. This will soon apply to the Power and Light District. Now, Westport merchants want the same deal. Local pervs are looking forward to the new regs as well. It's so much easier to mickey a tramp's drink in open air. I hear.

School's out for summer

“Freedom Schools” are growing in popularity and enrollment as KC kids look for a way to spend their summer.

The faith-based program blends instruction in reading, conflict resolution and social activism . . . Freedom Schools are free for the pupils. The schools provide breakfast, lunch and afternoon snacks.

Funding comes primarily from the Ewing Marion Kauffman Foundation, with additional support from the Children’s Defense Fund, church sites and individual donors.

Sounds like a productive and fun program of KC kids. It seems like a great way to spend the day and relax before a night of crack dealing and gun violence.

Charlie, Last Name Wilson

Segregation in Kansas City is apparent in almost all aspects of everyday life. Like many other cities, KC worked its way around the Midwestern manifestations of Jim Crow when all the white people left town and headed for the suburbs seeing that legislating where the darkies could live was no longer an option. The effects of this can still be felt today in where we live, who we know and what we listen to and see. In fact, I was visiting my girlfriend last night and wondered why every person I’ve ever seen pulled over by the police in Johnson County has been black. Seriously, I’ve seen white girls doing 80mph down Metcalf with their tits hanging out, white powder on their nose and a bottle of vodka in their hand and the only thing it elicits from the fuzz is a smile.

Anyway, like my favorite crack addict Dave Chappelle says: “It doesn’t happen often, but when racism works in black people’s favor . . . it’s fucking sweet.” This principle of beneficent racism has manifested itself in KC in the form of the local black radio station KPRS. The station has a proud history, but it’s mainly the place where people in KC listen to R&B and Rap that’s too black (er, urban. Sigh.) for mainstream radio.

Lately, I’ve been listening to a song is currently in heavy rotation on KPRS. It’s an incredible tune by former Gap Band front man Charlie Wilson. Now if you don’t know The Gap Band then you don’t know shit. Their music is a profound mixture of late 70’s funk with an early 80’s pop appeal. Additionally, Mexicans love The Gap Band. I would go so far to say that Mexicans love The Gap Band more than black people do. This is a bad analogy but think of Jerry Lewis and the French but way more funky and soulful.

In fact, a few years ago I was at a local Lowrider show and some short Chicano was blasting the Gap Band from his ’66 Impala and he confirmed my assumptions. “Dude, that’s right. The Gap Band is crazy old school. That’s all I play on Saturday. All day. That’s right Mang.” I thought to myself for a second, “Well put, Pedro. Now mind your fucking eight children.” But I just nodded and sung along to “Early in the Morning.”

Back to the new track . . . it’s a really cheeseball song with insanely schmaltzy lyrics but damn if Charlie Wilson doesn’t make it sound so sincere. Here’s a sample:

“Hey girl, How you doin'
My name is Charile, last name Wilson
I was wonderin' if I could take you out
Show you a good time, invite you to my house
Here is my number, girl you can call me
And don't forget it baby, the name is Charlie”

Amazing. The thing I like about this song is that it describes a horrible pick up that seems to go well. Some dumb looking guy lays a stupid line on a woman and she happens to buy it. However, the song goes on to reveal that the dude is so lonely that he must be a somewhat decent guy:

“With all of this fortune, what am I doin' single
Sometimes I tell myself, "Man, get out and mingle"
You don't have to be alone, you need someone to love
But being famous sometimes it's hard to find someone to trust
But the hell with that this time, I'm gonna treat myself
Being in love is good for your health
It's time to share this fortune and fame with someone else
Now that I'm in this club, I might as well, yea”

Okay, there’s plenty bling references there but like I wrote earlier, the Wilson brothers have always had a pop allure. I imagine that once the lovebirds head back to his place the girl is only mildly disappointed to find out that Charlie lives in a studio apartment overlooking wino alley. Still, I can’t help but think of my girlfriend and how well I conned her into going out with me whenever this song plays. Additionally, there probably hasn’t been a better song for slowly humping the one you love since Luther’s last recording. Suffice it to say, both the kitschy lyrics and the resonant soulful delivery makes this track one of my favorite new tunes.

New Blogzzzzz

Dave Helling is a local reporter breaking ground in the metro blogosphere. In just a matter of a few posts, Helling as managed to create the single most boring blog I’ve ever read.

I don’t know if the guy is married but I’m pretty sure that he is probably into some weird necrophilia type sex play; only because I can’t imagine any woman fucking him without dozing off.

See how I did that? A local news person gets a blog and I manage to work in a reference to fucking a corpse. Good luck with the blog, Dave.

Catfight

Okay, okay . . . I watch way too much porn. But you tell me if there is something strangely sexy about the description of this fight involving a screaming woman and two lesbians.

And yes, the story is about violence against homosexuals which I do not condone. Unless there is hot oil and lesbians involved, then it’s all good.

All-right!

Hot as Hell

It was so fucking hot outside yesterday I saw the devil. She's fine. She's told me that she's thinking about buying a condo that overlooks downtown and that I'd be more than welcome to go over to her place when it's done and "party." She told me that party would consist of a really nice night of causal drug use topped off with some unprotected sex with a few women I've never met.

We made small talk, joked about the heat and said it wasn't going to let up anytime soon. Naturally, I asked her about her career in law. She says it's good and she's making a pile of cash (as usual) but she wouldn't tell me what her opinion was about activist judges. Later, she told me that she was going to a Crossroads art show - she had her eye on some pretty provocative photos of "Our Lady of Guadalupe".

She didn't invite me to lunch but she looked like she was in a hurry. As she trotted off in her high heels, I called to her: "later."

"Sooner than you think," she replied.

Far East

I love "Filegirl" Kristine's blog. She documents her recent trip to India with wonderful prose and beautiful pictures. Really, this post belongs in a travel journal.

Someday, I'd like to go to India. But then I think, if I want to visit a place that is underdeveloped, rampant with disease and full of brown people . . . I could just walk east of Troost.

Blogger Backtalk: The heat of the moment

There's always tons of great links from local bloggers but right now this is what I'm reading:

• The Government is on Chronic. But you already guessed that.
  
• Ghost Stories from Death’s Door
  
• Lots of burger options from the KC Kitty
  
• MToast is not a clown, here to amuse you. But her girly doctor just might be a goodfella.
  
• Parrish observes animals at work
  
• KC Downtown development posts a link to the downtown master plan

Welcome Wagon

The latest edition of the KC Strip details the trials and tribulations of a black couple in Independence who not only have to endure a racist, dumbass neighbor but also must endure inaction on the part of authorities.

It was his white neighbor who threatened to open a vein in the neck of Williams' wife, Stephanie, a black woman who works at the Federal Reserve Bank in Kansas City. And the Williamses are still waiting for help from the law.

Odd, live in a shitty neighborhood and the cops won't come to help you and try and move to a nicer (read: white) neighborhood and the same holds true. That's why I like to live around illegal immigrants, because nobody's gonna call the cops. And if the police happen to show up, I'm long gone before anything gets translated.

The Wash

Not only is Sheri much better looking than me, she's a better writer and tonight she reminded me that she can also spell much better than I can . . . However I punch a lot harder than she does, so she doesn't remind me about that stuff very often. Check out her mention in the latest edition of Backwash along with Jimmy the Fetus and a story about a Lee's Summit driver who is being persecuted for sneezing.

Breathing Room

Just like longtime downtown dwellers, the people of South KC are now being pushed around by their rich neighbors.

About a dozen property owners on the outskirts of Kansas City are weighing their options after discovering that a nearby gated community quietly annexed their property two years ago.

I don't know what it is about having a lot of money but it makes so many high priced home owners into complete jerks. I knew this slut in high school that once said, "just because you're well endowed doesn't mean you have to be a dick." Sadly, she wasn't talking about me but I used to hear a lot of good stuff like that while I was hiding in the girl's restroom.

"Annexation" doesn't even sound very neighborly, really, I'm sure any Polish person could tell you that.

Goal

JoCo soccer mom's have a lot of balls, taking the Wizards away from KC. Good riddance. Hopefully, this trend will continue and we can get the Royals and Chiefs (and the taxes that go with them) out into the suburban hinterlands as well.

Weight Watcher

My favorite fathead wants to trim your waistline in addition to slashing your Medicaid benefits:

Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt stopped in downtown Kansas City on Monday to help launch a statewide initiative aimed at lowering the state's 23 percent obesity rate among adults.

The people of Missouri aren’t fat, they’re just misinformed. And who knows? Maybe in a couple of years this state could lose about 180lbs with a simple walk to the election booth.

Fairway

Local blogger Dan has an excellent post about golf in KC. Here’s a taste:

Municipal golf courses are an odd thing. Lots of public land, laid out for the use of people who have the time and money to take up a silly hobby like golf. Ken had heard a rumor, false as far as I know, that Minor Park is going to be sold so it can become a subdivision. Economically, that makes a ton of sense, but I don't believe it to be true. Kansas Citians will wind up making an economic sacrifice so that I can go play a round of golf for $22. It's a form of welfare, of course, but I bet the average golfer would deny that s/he gets any real benefit from the taxes we pay.

I know, I know . . . the obvious joke for me to make here is that I don’t mind golf because it’s a game where I can hit something white with a club. But the real reason I like golf is because the sport allows me to wash my balls in public.

And you shall receive

Great new site from local blogger Chronic: Ask a pothead. Expect some great content and maybe a few brownie recipes.

Queen of the Highway

My mom has this great trick. She’s a horrible driver and I’ve seen her nearly kill many families and children on the roads of this city. Oftentimes, she’ll nearly maim someone with her car and they will drive up to her and scream, holler, flip her off and foam at the mouth. She’ll wait a second, look at them and then wave “hi” like she knows them. If they persist she will hold her hand to her ear as if to say “call me!” This trick works ten times out of ten.

The pissed off driver will invariably go through their mental index and think of the people they know and then display a clueless look on their face as my mom drives past. My mom tells me that it’s almost always men who get so pissed about being cut off (or killed) and that most men are also horrible with names so they’re suckers for this bit.

I don’t know if I should feel good or not about my Mom’s shitty driving but it’s strangely comforting that she’ll probably never initiate a dumbass demolition derby between drivers without her intellect.

At least one person was critically injured in a two-car accident in Overland Park Tuesday night, officials said.

Police said the two cars may have been racing each other because they were speeding side by side. The cars touched, and one of the vehicles went out of control and landed in a ditch near Highway 69 and West 95th Street.

Four people were in the car that landed in the ditch, and one of them was ejected from the vehicle and was seriously injured, KMBC's Martin Augustine reported. All four people were taken to a local hospital.

Tipster

Wow, it looks like reporting all the creepy looking dudes hanging around is a good policy. Note to self: Stop making repeated trips past the Victoria Secret shop in the mall. Just get your Orange Julius and be done with it.

By the numbers

Missouri will soon assign I.D. numbers to all public school students in order to more accurately track what a shitty job educators are doing statewide. Additionally, the program could be used to prevent undocumented children from getting a lackluster education as well.

Mr. Right

A guy dumping his girlfriend is nothing new. But, some guy dumps his girlfriend in a car after she died from an overdose while her family desperately searches for her. That’s priceless. Rather, the price of that is about 22 years.

A drug offender left a woman’s body to decompose in his Jeep Cherokee. He then lied to her parents as they searched to find her.

Tuesday, that indifference earned Matthew C. Davis, 39, extra prison time.

Jackson County Circuit Judge J.D. Williamson sentenced him to seven years for abandonment of the body and 15 more years for three unrelated counts of drug possession.

Davis, who previously had pleaded guilty, could have received to up to 52 years because of prior convictions for burglary, stealing and tampering. Yet the 22-year overall sentence shocked his defense lawyer, who had argued for a four-year term.

There are a lot of slimy details regarding this story. Last year, Pitch writer Nadia Pflaum wrote the definitive piece on the incident with a vivid first-person account of the tragedy. Still, there are a few details like the age difference between Davis and his girlfriend and his trust fund that make me feel as if I need to take a shower.

Dan Miller, assistant prosecutor, asked for that or at least 22 years.

“His life is just nothing but one crime after another, and there is no reason for it,” Miller said, adding that Davis lived on trust fund income of about $8,000 a month.

Miller said he especially wanted the seven-year maximum on the abandoning a body charge. “This young lady was allowed to rot in trash and maggots,” he said.

Defense lawyer John Picerno drew groans from the audience when he countered that “there are a lot of worse ways of disposing of a body.”

Nice. Sad thing is, now that this is all over . . . the girl is still dead. The sleazy defense lawyer goes on to a new case, Davis will get prison time but less than you think and the world will keep spinning. All the while, substance abuse will continue to ruin the lives of young women all over KC and lead them into bad decisions . . . hopefully while I’m at America’s Pub this weekend.

Fall of the Empire

This is why I moved back to permalinks . . . I want this recorded for posterity. The Empire Theater Plan will fail. Hearne Christopher Jr. reports that the art house plan to save the Empire Theater is already falling apart not only because there are too many art film venues but also because developers also plan to screen mainstream flicks:

Word that AMC will screen primarily foreign and independent films there has local art film exhibitors doing the math. The Empire would bring the number of what pass for local art screens to 21.

"That is an incredible amount of art screens for a city our size," marvels Screenland operator Butch Rigby. "In a lot of cities our size, Screenland would be the only art theater, or maybe one three-plex."

While the preponderance of films will wax art, at any given time there could be from one to three mainstream movies playing.

Raising the question of whether a six-screen theater can make a profit in a 16- to 20-screen world.

"We wouldn't venture into this if we didn't think it would be profitable," (AMC Spokeswoman Pam) Blase says.

Okay, let me get this straight: There are already too many art house screens in KC so building more is a good idea. Seeing a movie in the burbs is already an easy proposition but people will endure traffic and brown people to go downtown to see the same film they could have watched just a few mintues from their house. Wonderful plan, it's good to know that if I ever get into a bad car accident there is a job waiting for me in downtown real estate development . . . that is as long as KC keeps digging into its pocket to come up with tax breaks and the like.

Tony's Charm School

I've read a lot of fucking stupid stories in The Star throughout the course of my life but this recent article attempting to explain the upswing in KC violence is probably the most clueless piece I've had to endure.

Apparently, many of the murders in this town can be attributed to bad manners and the pursuit of street cred.

It does not appear that gangs or drug dealing played major roles, Jackson County Prosecutor Mike Sanders said. Yet Sanders said he thinks that drugs, alcohol or both were involved, with killers either using them or belonging to the culture that glorifies them.

"In some respects we're seeing a serious breakdown in the moral fabric of our society," he said.

Your analysis has grown tiresome, now is the time on Sprokets when we dance!



Anyway, this article seems to support the ridiculous notion that the increase in crime is connected to growing lack of civility in our culture.

Bernard Taylor, the superintendent of Kansas City schools, recently said he had noticed a decline of civility among students. The district already teaches anger control and conflict resolution at some schools and plans to increase efforts to reach into students' homes and habits, officials said.

Taylor said he thinks schools must get more involved in troubled homes, an idea that Sanders endorsed. It has been embraced elsewhere, too. Years ago, then-Mayor Rudolph Giuliani also called on New York City schools to teach civility to help cut crime.

No, it's not prevalence of guns, a shitty public school system, lack of entry level jobs that pay decent wages or the demise of the two parent American family. It's the lack of politeness that's killing people on the streets in KC.

I'm literally at a loss of words trying to express how fucking stupid I find the premise of this article. See, I'm not a polite man. I'm a horrible slob, my girlfriend is afraid to use my bathroom, I have virtually no friends because my favorite word is "motherfucker" and if you look at my shirt you can usually tell what I had for dinner . . . two days ago. But still, I've had few if any run-ins with the police and I've never been arrested.

The idea that civility has anything to do with crime put forth by The Star and countless community dimwits clearly demonstrates that our local leaders and media outlets are completely full of shit.

So what is responsible for the upswing in murders in KC?

I have no idea and I don't fucking care. It's not important.

What is important is that local officials come up with a plan to stop it that doesn't involve "touchy, feely" self-help for cracked out crooks carrying semi-automatics. Have you hugged your neighborhood criminal today? Balls.

I could suggest a few items to improve things but it doesn't matter because it's clear that local leaders are too far off in fantasy land to care. The KCPD cops can taser old ladies, children and hand cuffed people all they want but it probably won't make a difference.

Still, I always like to help. So today I'd like to announce the opening of Tony's School of Social Graces . . . where KC can send misbehaving miscreants in order to learn some manners. Here's our introductory textbook for those students that have learned to read in spite of the KC school district:



At my school of charm we'll teach the essentials like:

• Lawnmowers: Not worth killing over.
• Appropriate greetings other than "What the fuck are you looking at?" and "You talking to me. Who the fuck are you talking to? I don't see anybody else standing here so you must be talking to me."
• Avoiding date rape 101: Just tell her you're rich and she'll do all the work.
• Close your eyes and count to ten: By that time the other guy probably shot first.
• Career opportunities: Did you know that CEO's can steal much more than a drug dealer could ever earn?
• Delaying instant gratification: Your street rival will probably be dead in a few months anyway so there's no need for you to kill him.
• An essential lesson on friendship: Your "homies" would never kill for you and will probably fuck your girlfriend while you're in jail.
• Commuting: Nobody but your mother will visit you in jail.

De la soul means from the soul

Many thanks to "Happy in Bag" for sending this link about race and rap my way. Apparently, socially conscious rap is making a comeback but it's completely backed by white people:

Armed with messages of Black political resistance, Black pride, and opposition to militarization and corporatization, designed in part to counter the commercial hip-hop party-and-bullshit madness dumbing down the nation's youth, hip-hop's lyrical descendants of the "fight the power" golden era today are booking concerts in record numbers - far beyond anything imaginable by their predecessors. Problem is, they can hardly find a Black face in the audience.

I think this is good news. If white suburban kids are gonna pretend to be black then they might as well be proud of their newfound heritage. Meanwhile, the local rap music scene in KC comes with a body count and only one major artist that can draw a big crowd. Political discourse would be a welcome change for rappers in KC. Sadly, talking politics after awhile gets confusing . . . and after listening to political conversation for an extended period of time you'll find the sound of a pistol comforting, because a gun always means what it says.

Thinking of a master plan

KCMO Parks and Rec is releasing a ten year comprehensive master plan. Over the years the city's demographics and needs have shifted. Thankfully, there is enough illicit, public, hot gay sex in KC's parks to supply the populace for years to come.

Show and Tell

Here's a description of an perv stalking Overland Park who thankfully looks NOTHING LIKE ME.

Officials said the man is in his early 20s and was wearing khaki shorts. He has blond hair in a buzz cut. He was last seen in a gray SUV.

Investigators said a man with this description has exposed himself in the area several times since January.

The perv's M.O. seems to be a twisted cross between a zombie move and Porky's.

Police are searching for a man who exposed himself to two teenagers in Overland Park over the weekend.

Officials said two girls were walking on a sidewalk at West 127th and Grant streets Sunday when a man came out of a wooded area with his pants pulled down to his ankles.

Exposing yourself to suburban teenagers is just sick. Especially when there are so many suburban women out there desperately in search of such a display. Pervs should learn that public indecency is wrong. Better to list yourself as a lawyer on Match.com and get your groove on in private with a willing participant.

Dropping the bomb

Recent news that the local Honeywell plant could be shut down is very unsettling.

A plant that employs more than 2,000 people in south Kansas City faces an uncertain future, KMBC's Peggy Breit reported Monday.

A federal task force made a preliminary recommendation to shut down the Honeywell Plant on Bannister Road. The facility makes non-nuclear components for nuclear weapons.

In a report issued last week, the Nuclear Weapons Complex Infrastructure Task Force said Honeywell's work should be consolidated or outsourced to privately owned plants. The report stated that operating the Kansas City plant has been a burden on the company and the National Nuclear Security Agency.

I'm sure this bombshell just devastates employees. I mean, they are just doing their job and trying to live their lives and someone drops this on them. No warning . . . out of the clear blue sky. After the devastation they are left to pick up the pieces, rearrange the ruble of their lives. My God, what did they do to deserve this kind of explosive news? I guess the only thing they can do is crawl out of the ashes of this disappointment and maybe figure out another way to pay for the fuel to fill that SUV. You know gas isn't free.

Family Unit

Meth abuse is now this country's leading drug crisis. Sadly, the harmful effects are not only felt by users but also by their families. Scores of children who have parents addicted to the drug are now referred to as "Meth Orphans." The long term effects of this drug problem could be catastrophic. Independence, MO, the former "Meth capital of the world" is sure to bear the brunt of this tragic situation. Families torn apart by drug abuse will leave no one to teach the young meth orphans how to grow their mullet.

The women's business suit

A long, long time ago I once worked in an office. And I can tell you that there is nothing sexier than a woman in business attire. Forget the clear stripper high heels or the standard issue Plaza/Westport halter top . . . a woman wearing glasses and a dark pin-striped skirt is the surest way to send pervy male co-workers rushing to the john in order to rub one out.

When I worked in an office, my specialty was communications and media. This field offered me the best view of very beautiful, trampy broads hoping to Astroglide their way up the corporate ladder. Now the following observation is true and I hope it doesn’t offend too many people but I developed this theory after months of research: The majority of young women in field of business communications (advertising, PR, Media, etc.) are only about one paycheck away from being strippers or escorts. Seriously, I’ve seen porno stars that are more selective about the things that go into their mouths.

Business communications is a field where a lot of the working involves talking. Sadly, for so many newbie PR bunnies, many (slutty) women operate on some bizarre principle where the level of conversation with male co-workers and superiors is directly related to the elasticity of their panties. Put simply, all conversation with PR broads is foreplay.

Recently, I’ve had a few female PR hacks forward stuff my way. A downtown press conference was promoted by a chubby PR princess who actually sent her picture along with the press release. I would have linked to the event if she hadn’t been cross-eyed. The latest communiqué I’ve received from the corporate set was regarding my post about the proposed bond issue on Question 1 and 2. Apparently, the media maiden pointed out that I was incorrect when I wrote that a tax increase was involved. Technically, she’s right. But the money has to come from somewhere, and it’s most likely out of your pocket. Taxes or increased fees, nothing is free except for the booty of naive interns hoping to pull a salary in exchange for pulling down their britches. Clean water is great but this proposal is being sold as an investment in infrastructure rather than the price KC must pay for years of neglect and mismanagement of the important systems that keep this town running . . . Sure, that isn't a happy-go-lucky way of selling something to the public but it happens to be true. PR sluts move up, move out of town and get bent over desks all over the country but voters in KC deserve to know a much less optimistic version of the sorry state of this city.

All things considered, I don’t miss seeing pin-stripped posteriors of business women prancing around my work space. I was never important enough to be able to sample their skills first hand. Sadly, not much has changed. While I’ve changed careers, somehow PR skanks have still found a way to tease and mislead me along with the rest of the public.

Brawl game

Good news! Seems as if the Royals are taking a break from cashing their checks and fucking this town's groupies and finally paying attention to what's happening on the field.

On a related note, watch your local news tonight and try to spot a minority not holding a gun or a ball. Difficulty: Sex offenders don't count.

Bling

I always feel sorry for the dumbass people out there who spend tons of money on jewelry or rims or whatever kind of shiny object that satisfies our inner primate.

Real money spends it smartly. When real money wants to show off they do something like this:

Henry Bloch gives UMKC $3 million

That's impressive, three million bones just to make sure that the ranks of middle management are always full.

I'll probably never have that kind of cash but if I do, here are a few under funded philanthropic items that I will fund:

• Overweight Cheerleaders
• Asian gangsta rappers under 5'3
• International society of mullet preservation
• The three lower income families in Independence, MO that are in no way connected to Meth or Meth labs.
• Organization of down low detectives. Tagline: "Your dude's gay!"
• KC society of homeless sign makers. "Making desperation more decorative"
• Latinos with less than three kids
• A scholarship program for 20 something women who are not desperate to get married.
• An army of robot warriors armed with tasers to patrol the Eastside and indiscriminately shock people. (Couldn't be much worse than the current plan)
• A dating service for suburban white girls who want to piss off their fathers.
• Finally, my greatest gift to this city would be a "bullshit detector" that would automatically take over any PA system the mayor was using and pipe in ABBA music in order to thwart the dissemination of half-truths, empty promises and outright lies.

Sign of the times

A story in The Star today mentioned the recent controversy regarding overhead traffic signals on local boulevards, mainly the rich bitches on Ward Parkway complaining that a few crude signs were gonna ruin their beautiful and historic thoroughfare.

A tempest that arose this spring with the specter of galvanized-steel traffic poles looming over all three lanes of shady Ward Parkway has become a test of how the city can preserve its unique heritage in the 21st century.

Strange because I don’t think it’s the great view of the tree lined lane that characterizes the street. If you drive down Ward Parkway around 4 p.m. you’ll notice a few black women just getting off work. They’re the ones who clean those big mansions. Awhile ago, I’ve talked to a couple of them at a stoplight while I was putting off jogging. The women I spoke with had been at their job for more than 30 years. I hear that’s it’s a nice gig, pays better than working for a service and for the most part the employers are cool.

Think about all the changes that have happened in this country and this town over the past thirty years. And then forget them, because for the most part they don't matter in the everyday lives of most people; especially not maids waiting for the bus. For me, these women waiting to leave the ritzy, white section of town and head back to their neighborhood are really what define Ward Parkway.

Getting our shit together

The city wants voters to approve a 500-million dollar bond question that would pay for updates and expansions to Kansas City's water and sewer system.

Between all the thugs starting shit on the Eastside to all the bullshit emanating from City Hall . . . this city's pipes are in an ass load of trouble.

So how does Kansas City navigate out of this mudslide? I don't know, but another tax increase just stinks. Maybe the best plan is simply to head for the higher ground of the suburbs and wait it out . . . everybody knows that shit flows downhill.

In a bad way

These are horrible jokes I heard this weekend. Too horrible not to share.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You've already told her twice.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?

Give her a shovel.

Try these out today with your female coworkers in order to get some reading done during the mandatory sensitivity training you'll be assigned.

Take one for the register

I've never had much responsibility at a job. I'm not a team player. I've played football and other organized sports but only because it was the only place were I was allowed to commit violence against white people. Additionally, I'm not a team player because I was never into helping the star players get pussy. I support the troops for many reasons but one of the big ones is because I'm not fighting anybody until I see enemy tanks rolling down Southwest Boulevard.

This recent description of a local robbery is a good example of some poor misguided soul taking one for the team/register/owner:

Vargas says she was ringing up a sale when a man decided he wanted more than a cup of ice. "I took his money and I was giving him his change and he just jumped over the counter," Vargas said.

Captured on the store's surveillance cameras you can see the clerk crouching down as the robber starts raising his fists. "He started punching me," she said. "I was like just take the money you can have it, you don't have to hit me," . . . "I fought him back but he still got the best," she said. The store says the man got away with about $120.

Call it overtime or underperforming stock options, most employers are more than happy for their workers to take the hit for them. From telcom workers to convenience store clerks, all kinds of workers are toiling to make sure that someone body else can afford to pay them a pittance and fire/outsource them on a whim. The dirtbags who rob cashiers aren't the only thieves out there, they're just the ones more likely to get caught.

Teenage Wasteland

The Star is hiding all of their links today from bloggers who wake up early. So, all I'm left with is a really stupid story about Miss Teen Missouri. Pretty Boy (for a reporter anyway) Hearne Christopher pretends that cows are the only thing this backhill tramp has sucked off:

"Have you ever sucked milk right out of the udder?" Woolard asks me after I tell her about my father's dairy farm south of KC. "Let me tell you something; it's something you don't want to do. My cousins tricked me into it. They were like, 'I dare you,' and that's the worst thing in the world you can say to me."

Fascinating. Sorry, but the only teenagers I wanna read about in the news are the ones that are dead or missing. And they better be white, pretty and have a really hard luck story about how they were repeatedly molested with sharp objects after being "forced" to partake in a crack binge with filthy brown or poor people. You know, the whole human interest angle.

Yeah, I know. I think I like dicking around with the design of this blog just as much as I like blogging.

Farrakhan is coming to town

OR Get your hand out of my pocket!!!

On Thursday evening, Farrakhan will speak in Kansas City at the opening rally for the 26th convention of the National Black United Front.

I wouldn't dare to joke about such a notable African-American leader. I hope that anyone who sees him will be inspired and uplifted. However, I will suggest that attendees leave their wallet at home.

Strapped

The next time you get in a fight with a guy from Missouri, he just might show you his gun. It's best not to get in public altercations with strangers anyway. People who fight, scuffle or argue in public are really just demonstrating their dissatisfaction with their penis or their partner's penis.

However, now that I think about it . . . it's kinda Freudian that many gun owners would feel safer carrying around a long, hard, stiff projectile weapon close to their body where no one can see it.

I don't need a gun. I'm wicked fast and have enough upper body strength to toss a small child or an old lady in the way of any danger that might be confronting me.

Fondue

I'm a slob but yet I'm horribly afraid of germs. I recently watched The Aviator and Howard Hughes didn't really seem that bad to me. You won't catch me outside my house without a bottle of Purell.

Anyway, I keep having this recurring dream that I'm having dinner with Hearne Christopher Jr. at a Fondue Restaurant like the one he reviewed in his latest article. Odd because the guarantee that other slobs will double dip at a place like that is enough for me to never even consider trying fondue. So, H-dog says something snarky like "How goes the website?" and I grab a cheese covered fondue fork, jump over the table and stab him in the eye.

Strangely, this is one of the nicer thoughts concerning reporters from The Star. Someday soon, I'll reveal my "rough" fantasy involving me, Mary Sanchez and a flashlight.

Two-a-days

August is quickly approaching and that means more football related injuries and death. Did you know that the game was intended to simulate warfare? It's basically just a contest of field acquisition.

Strange that every football season now has a body count across the country. It's time to give those couch potato kids playing video games a little credit. I never heard of anybody dying while playing X-box.

Greens want brown people

Shout out to Happy in Bag for sending this link:

National environmental groups have a very small percentage of members who are ethnic or racial minorities. Part of the problem is the lack of connection between the grassroots environmental justice issues that are often focused in minority neighborhoods, and the more global agendas of the national organizations.

I can see the publicity campaign now: "Put down the guns, crack and stop having unprotected sex. Plant a tree instead."

Suburban

I think this is an excerpt from the upcoming book penned by local blogger Joe who runs KC Soil. Whatever it is, it's brilliant and provides a great history of KC and its crappy school district.

Update: However, it just occurred to me that I've talked with and heard stories about a great number of local Latino students who regularly get their ass kicked by those poor disenfranchised black kids which Joe laments. I know that some of them would run away from the KC School district if they could, but they can't . . . so they usually just drop out at a rate of nearly 50%. For Latino kids and parents in the KC school district, it's hard to blame the white people hiding in Johnson County for the horrendous condition of KC public schools that are dominated by KC's African-American community.

Update #2: And then I think . . . Nah, I'd rather just blame the white people in Johnson County. Yeah, fuckers! I'm dating your daughter. How do you like that? She pays for our dates too.

Do you know these Latinos?

Do you believe in time travel? Somehow I think it’s possible because this photo takes me back more than a decade, when my friends used to hang out in local parks after dark and drink one 40oz after another. The tradition ended after one of my good buddies had his lip completely split open by some thugs who didn’t like us. Thankfully, my group of “homies” (ugh) never looked for revenge or made a big deal out of it. Currently, I think the perpetrator is a low level pot dealer (read: addict) and dates a stripper. I see him from time to time; he’s just a fatter, more strung out version of the guy I used to know. Strangely, time and its ceaseless march forward will usually impart justice better than any court or person could.

Anyway, you probably don’t care but these photos are also a pretty good representation of how I spent my late teens; making KC parks inhospitable during the late evening hours. Fox4 is posting the photos to spark the memory of any potential witnesses.

All of the kids on the tape look like they’re having a good time and blissfully unaware that one of their buddies is going to be shot to death in a matter of moments. I’m looking at the photos closely to see if I recognize anyone. If I do, hopefully I’ll call the police before the urge to slap them overwhelms me.

Getting so much better all the time

BlogKC posts a comprehensive list of upcoming MoDot projects. It’s the biggest construction plan in the State’s history. This is important, because realizing the state’s history with road construction will reveal several sordid details. Sadly, I think it might be more effective if we simply paid Missouri politicians to hike up their skirts, take off their ties and repave the roads themselves, since they’re the ones who will end up with most of the money anyway. This state’s history with road construction is horrible. There’s no telling how many of Tom Pendergast’s old enemies are buried under Missouri roads. Still, in some small way it’s comforting, they weren’t lying when they said the streets of America are paved with gold . . . they were just talking about construction companies and people running for re-election.

However, I’m not referring to anything illegal. I would never dare to suggest that the fine politicians of this state would take bribes. They call it “soft money” nowadays.

Patriot Games OR Roller Coaster of Love

This message has been intercepted . . . break . . . our sources tell us that Worlds of Fun is planning a secret project . . . break . . . Construction is imminent.

Actually, getting this message regarding ominous secret construction plans makes me feel a little bit like Admiral Akbar. We have the same eyes.



Thanks to Assumption of Command for sending the link. Support this troop and enjoy his blog. Good stuff.

Doggystyle

I do not condone animal cruelty. Thank goodness that Fox4 provides in-depth coverage of a local man facing animal neglect and abuse charges. Dogs are far too delicious to be treated unfairly. Rough handling is uncalled for, it toughens the flesh. Dogs must be treated carefully, and baked for at least an hour at 400 degrees.

Housing Boom

I know this is yesterday's news but if BTK's old house can go for 90k (30k more than its assessed value) than my place should be worth a few more shekels considering all of the strippers that I have locked up in the basement.

They really come in handy. They'll do lawn work in high heels, and they have a very provocative way of picking up loose change around the house. The only drawback is that you must pay them in singles.

Home Sweet Home

Some people believe that these is a set of multiple possible universes, they call it the multiverse. I don’t know much about quantum physics but the possibility of several alternate realities is fascinating. I imagine that in one of these realities, I wear a tie to work. I don’t really like my job but I live in a nice house. I don’t have a goatee. I don't blog. I smile less but when I do, I bare my teeth. In this hypothetical segment of the multiverse, people touch me a lot more than they do now. I’m more approachable. I have friends with names like Josh, Mike and Brad.

Sadly, in this twilight zone corner of the multiverse . . . I’m married and hanging under the sword of Damocles; knowing that the odds are more than 50% that I’ll end up divorced and minus half my shit. My wife is pretty but not pretty enough that I don’t fuck around. My girlfriend is hot, Asian and constantly threatens to tell my wife. We hang out at seedy bars so that our affair remains unknown, we drive around the city to find make-out spots like teenagers, and we have pregnancy scares and three hour humping sessions. In this alternate universe, all of my jokes are clean and suitable for prime time audiences. I drink beer from small local breweries and think it’s exotic. I live in Johnson County (Dun-dun-dun!) In the end, my hot Asian piece of ass runs off with a better looking younger guy with more time to spend with her and a bigger penis.

The little differences are what make this alternate reality so terrifying. I drive an SUV but it’s one of the smaller Toyota models, so nobody really fucks with me. I don’t see my family that much but they don’t really care because all I do is talk about work. At work, I’m the dickhead who keeps using catchphrases from pop culture. “Yeah, baby!” “Whasssup!” “You go girl!” People don’t tell me that my breath stinks.

I don’t know how it ends in this alternate reality. I’d like to say that Vampire Space Monkeys attack the Earth and I heroically save my family and the world from destruction but I’m pretty sure that I die of a heart attack . . . which is pretty much the way most of the realities in the multiverse end for me. However, for some reason, in this spot of the multi-verse I’ve just described . . . I’m not that sad about leaving. Somehow, I miss my Schweetie from this universe, I miss hanging out with the fam and listening to my grandma bitch about everything. I miss being supreme dictator of TKC . . . it’s not much but it’s my beloved fiefdom.

In that regard, (and on a much happier note) a big shoutout goes to JDoubleP and his bride for the amazing life that they are making with one another and the new house and the awesome shots of a booming part of KCK. Go visit Badda Blog! And wish him well, without being a morose motherfucker like myself.

How We Do

The City of Overland Park is working with residents in order to install new sewer lines. I like to file these stories under: “This is why white people rule the world.” However, with all the white suburbanites moving back to the city, it’s not entirely appropriate. Still, it’s strangely comforting to know that somewhere there is a city putting money into infrastructure rather than high priced vanity projects.

Overland Park on Monday cleared the way for adding curbs and gutters to four miles of residential streets without forcing homeowners to pay for installing storm sewers.

The City Council unanimously agreed to change a 1970s-era policy that kept city money from going to a collection of streets with flooding concerns unless property owners agreed to bear the cost of installing sewers needed to handle the increased runoff.

Wicked Bitch

Claire McCaskill is still thinking about whether or not she will run for U.S. Senate. In the interim, the Missouri State Auditor will spend her time looking up and making sure that nobody drops a house on her.

Show me the money

Missouri Ranks first for wasting time at work:

Workers in the Show-Me-State who responded to the survey reported slacking off 3 hours and 12 minutes a day. The survey also found the top excuses for wasting time. About 10,000 of the workers who responded say they did not have enough work or were underpaid for the amount of work they do. More than 44% said the number one way they waste time at work is personal Internet use, like reading e-mail, instant messages or responding to online polls. 23% say socializing with co-workers is to blame.

Others workers were too busy to respond to the poll. Of those who did not respond: 40% were having an affair with a co-worker or boss. 20% were stealing from the pension account and the rest were reading the newspaper on the toilet.

This town is falling apart

Why doesn't this sort of thing happen AFTER they convert the building into luxury lofts?

EAST BOTTOM BUILDING COLLAPSES

A large portion of the old brick building fell just before 11:00 this morning at Guinotte and Lydia in the East Bottoms. Two consultants were inside the building but had left the area that collapsed just before the fall. They were not hurt.

Perv Watch

Nobody loves a bittersweet perv story more than me but it's sad to watch KCTV 5 build their ratings off of the suffering, mental anguish and prurient details of KC sexcapades.

The KCTV5 Weekly Sex Offender Alert kicks into action with a nice huge picture of a scary black guy. Call them if you'd like the whole city to know about your suffering in between Chem-lawn commercials OR simply e-mail some photos my way and I'll post them.

You don't have to watch Dynasty, to have an attitude

Damn this conservative trend in American politics!!! Now the Kansas Courts have ruled that it is illegal for teachers to instruct students on certain aspect of French culture. Sacre Blu! I guess if hot teacher on student action is forbidden, Ms. Stough (my high school journalism teacher) and I are forever doomed to meet only in my dreams and long showers. Vive la liberté!

Wedding Party Crasher

I object to most weddings and marriages on general principal but a local perv could not hold his peace . . . er, held his piece inappropriately in the parking lot outside a Northland wedding reception.

Apparently, police are having a hard time getting a grip on the growing number of Meth'd out pervs exposing themselves in the Northland:

Investigators told KMBC's Tom Corvin that this may not be an isolated event.

"The biggest concern we have is there's been an increase of these types of cases in the Northland. What we hope will happen is someone will see his photograph, hear this story and come forward and share a similar experience that they may have had," Lt. Doug Poindexter said.

So if you have any information, please tell the police or at least send a shout out to Penthouse letters.

Flush Creek

Or, the Italians are really full of shit.

City officials are sick of all the poop they take over the fecal matter in Brush Creek.

It is a serious, if only occasional, problem. Former Park Director Terry Dopson argues the media made too much of it just as the city prepared to celebrate the opening of the flood-protection project in 1995. This created a lasting impression that has contributed to public reluctance to come to the creek, he said.

People who had been using the creek for years decided, "My, this is terrible. This is Flush Creek," Dopson said.

Actually, between rains the water in Brush Creek is cleaner than the perpetually contaminated canals of Venice, which has no sewage treatment facilities.

So relax, the City might not have its shit together but at least you're not Italian. Pointy shoes are murder on your feet after all.

I guess a multi-million dollar flood control project is an ambitious undertaking but it's too bad that all it takes is a few drops of rain in order to create a shitstorm near the plaza.

In the end, one or two floaters aren't going to kill you . . . right away. Don't be such a tight ass. Cracks all over the street, open air streams of poop, shitty schools and a rising murder rate that scares the shit out of most citizens . . . I'd say that Mayor Kay's tenure has been down right excrement.

Fishy

Pinning revitalization hopes on The Bass Pro Shop development in Independence may not be such a great idea.

If Independence officials really wanted to attract a crowd they would capitalize on this area's reputation as the "Meth Capital" of the world. I know I'd pay to see the "Mullet Hall of Fame" or even a few hours of Camaro-Iroc racing would be worth checking out. As far as night life is concerned, an Independence review of chubby white women who have a bunch of unexplained bruises on their legs would undoubtedly attract a crowd.

News you can use

There are so many injustices in this world. Life is just unfair. The brown people in this town just can't stop killing each other, persistent Meth use will rot a beautiful smile, the city is so hopelessly sprawled that the only way to bring white people back to midtown KC is to offer expensive condos and move all the poor folk out, no matter how many games they win the Royals will always suck, the Chiefs suck too . . . the list goes on and on.

But there is hope.

A enterprising man recently visited KC and offered a glimmer of light that will brighten our dismal Midwestern existence. It's a brand new day as The KC Business Journal puts forth this promising headline:

Sugar-free Jello man brings salon idea to KC

Forget about all those Southeast Asian kids slaving over sewing machines in order to make soccer balls that American kids leave in the closet for most of the year; this guy is out to end a more insidious evil:

Salem, whose company has signed up more than 100 salons in three countries since launching the Profound line in January, said he hopes to end diversion through several features that will guarantee the products are truly sold only in salons.

"We imprint every single Profound bottle we ship with the salon's name and address, making our product diversion-proof," Salem said.

In addition, the products will be dispensed only after an in-salon consultation to determine what products are appropriate for the individual's hair and scalp type.

Salem expects the products to be available at about five high-end independent Kansas City-area salons in the next year.

That's right, from now on when the bottle says "sold only in Salons" it fucking means it. I don't know how often this problem has kept me up at night, in a fetal position, crying out for my mother. Technology is the answer folks, and it's making this world a better place . . . one bottle of shampoo at a time.

Lazy bastard with new links for the week

Lots of new readers this week for some strange reason. And a few new links added to the sidebar. Take a look:

KC Curling Club
Happy In Bag
Digital Doorway

Additionally, longtime readers may have noticed that I'm being a lazy bastard as of late. Not to fear, I haven't given up on this blog. Your daily supply of stupid commentary will soon be back to normal. I've just been busy with other stuff as of late.

As always thanks for reading and have a fun and safe weekend.

The Cadillac of Condos

More downtown condos on the way at the old Greenlease Cadillac building. Funny, KC redevelopment is more expensive but still just as gaudy as ever.

Mething around in Prairie Village

I wonder if Prairie Village Meth comes with a bow? Is it overpriced? I bet you can't get Prairie Village Meth around the holidays. All of the dentists in KC live in Prairie Village, so are meth addicts in that part of town better protected against the rotting teeth that accompany Meth Mouth? Finally, if the women of Independence, MO often turn to prostitution in order to subsidize their Meth addiction . . . Are suburban Prairie Village moms out there selling their booty as well. If so, for the love of God, please tell me where!!!

Flame on

Okay, some crimes are just plain weird. Apparently, torching school playgrounds is all the rage among future arsonists in KC.

For the third time in less than two weeks, another area playground was torched.

Someone tried to start a fire at the playground at Ingels Elementary School near Longview Road and Food Lane, police said.

I know that kids can be cruel and I’m that last person to point fingers but I’d check out all the chubby, ugly kids first and then I’d interrogate all of the dodge-ball losers in order to stop this crime spree. In my experience bullies don’t experience their mental disorders until later in life. Surprisingly, it’s usually the losers and geeks that comprise the “troubled kids.” Now give me your snack pack and your lunch money. Dork.

Dress up

Chris Rock once guessed that Krispy Kreme doughnuts might be made from crack and now there is even more evidence to back up that theory.

Police are investigating a robbery at a Krispy Kreme in the 8800 block of Shawnee Mission Parkway Friday morning.

Officers said a man wearing a trash bag on his head and goggles came into the shop at about 6:40 a.m. and demanded money.

However, crack filled doughnuts or not, robbing some place in an outlandish costume is a pretty good strategy. First of all, people would have a hard time describing you. Secondly, if I'm ever in desperate need of cash I'm thinking about robbing some place in a clown outfit because everybody I know is terrified of clowns.

Weekend Music

More music this weekend from The Event Driver. Local shows from artists who are either happy or can’t get wait to get out of KC, depending on the quality of groupies who come to listen.

London Underground OR All politics is local

I notice today that a lot of local bloggers are commenting on the London Underground Bombing and the only thing that comes to my mind is: “What the fuck do I care?”

In the heart of the Midwest, in bumfuck cowtown KC, Osama not only doesn’t want to get you, he doesn’t even care to find you on a map. Other than the soldiers that are shipped out from around here everyday, the War on Terror has so little to do with your everyday life that it might as well be happening on Mars. Unless you’re looking for an excuse to harass and beat up a local Arab merchant (and who isn’t?) there is really no reason to “remain vigilant.”

It’s always funny to me how some people get riled over the international war on terror or the war in Iraq but couldn’t care less about the insurgency on the Eastside or KC’s own little rap battle that has claimed more than a few lives. But then again, if you remain in your corner of suburbia or at least east of Troost you don’t really have to worry about the brown people in this town coming to kill you.

And that’s the sad and great thing about modern war . . . you can watch it on TV and then turn it off or change the channel. In fact, if you want to think we’re winning the war on terror you can tune into Fox. Still, it’s hard to get worked up over terrorists until I see them practicing the monkey bars at Mill Creek Park. Until that time, I guess I can pretend to care about violence in far away places or the Eastside of this city.

Background

Local blogger Joe gives a bit of background in relation to the recent Waris guilty plea. Joe dishes the dirt behind scenes of the KC School District of which Waris played a pivotal role.

I wish could comprehend the complex political maneuverings between County executives, City Hall and the School District but it’s really just far simpler to file all of this controversy under: “One of many reasons I’ll move to Johnson County if I ever have kids.” (Oddly, this is first of many nightmares that goes through my mind when a condom breaks)

Yeah, I’m all “down” with the metro but don’t think I’d make my kid suffer through one semester of crappy KC schools and their more than 30 year downward trend that started once segregation ended. I’m all for equality, but let it start with somebody else’s kids.

Home Need Repair?

I’ve seen many couples that have been married thirty years or more and with nearly no exceptions each marriage has been a monumental failure that should have been given up on years ago. But no, because of God, religion or because the one of the parties is ugly and desperate they just keep on going year after year; miserable, resentful and together.

Similarly, the City is thinking about putting more money into the remolded homes on Tracy after the Housing and Economic Development Financial Corporation have thrown away hundreds of thousands of dollars and failed to complete the job. I don’t know which is worse, a couple of nice Victorian homes that junkies use for a shooting gallery and crack den or federal money going toward bringing even more yuppies down to the nether world of KC. Life is give and take, crack heads are either moving in or out and yuppies are either running away from them or refurbishing their old haunts.

Radio Days

Local blogger Happy in Bag has a few thoughts about radio in KC. In particular, Happy has some cutting criticisms and great suggestions for KKFI.

Born of idealism, a principle of community activism, and leftist politics, Kansas City’s community radio station KKFI was founded with the best of intentions. But good intentions don't necessarily make for good radio. The station is regularly embroiled in political infighting. And with a few notable exceptions, its music programming remains unimaginative and second-rate.

Speaking of radio, I’ve recently become a fan of KC Currents on KCUR. It is a program devoted to the “news and culture of our region's diverse population and from across the nation.” There's a lot of great stuff on the airwaves lately. Maybe I should put away my favorite Christy Lane CD for a sec and take a listen.

1L

Local blogger Gone Mild pens a fantastic post slamming Krazy Kris Kobach. A must read.

Nuts

According to this local blogger, some men are just plain nuts.

Trashy

Reader’s Digest recently ranked KC as one of the dirtiest cities in the country and they’re not just talking about the skanks running around midtown bars.

KC skies are not so friendly for old white guys

Here’s a little tid bit that may help you out in your future endeavors and legal actions: When white people or old people are treated unfairly it’s not called “discrimination” it’s called REVENGE. That’s right whitey! If centuries of rape, murder, theft, slavery and the popularity of The Beach Boys is only met with losing your pension or not getting the dream job you felt entitled to is all the comeuppance you receive, thank your lucky stars that minorities would much rather kill each other.

The former director of Kansas City's aviation department is suing the city, saying his 2003 firing was racially motivated.

Russ Widmar filed the suit Friday in federal court. He claims City Manager Wayne Cauthen fired him to appease local black community leaders who were angry about his handling of a news and gift shop contract at the Kansas City International Airport in 2001.

In his suit, Widmar said black leaders complained about a
contract he had recommended that replaced a minority subtenant who had been at the airport for 10 years with another minority subtenant.

61*

One season after shaking the dust of Kansas City off his clothes, Roger Maris hit 61 home runs for the New York Yankees. Today, KC marks its own milestone in recording a near record 61 homicides in the Metro.

In my neighborhood, a group of more than a dozen people watched as a young Latino man was shot to death. As of yet, none of them are talking to the police. If only I could find a MIDI file of “That’s what Friends are for” to play for you.

61 murders and it’s not even mid July. Along with sunscreen, metro residents would do good to think about purchasing a bulletproof vest for summertime protection.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Apparently the party of family values loves to tear families apart. I would make this an anti-Republican post but Democrats has done absolutely nothing to ease the plight of undocumented workers in this country. In fact, hating Mexicans and the cheap labor (read: low prices) they provide is a bi-partisan pursuit in Missouri and across the Nation.

After calling the United States home for 14 years, Tuesday is the day a teenage girl and her immigrant parents in Missouri were supposed to be deported back to their native Costa Rica.

But late last week, U.S. immigration officials gave the family some mixed news: The teen can stay, but her parents have to go.

Marvin and Marina Gonzalez, and daughter Marie, moved to the U.S. from Costa Rica on six-month visas in 1991 and stayed, believing that, if they were good citizens, they'd become real citizens in seven years. But that was incorrect and, when it was discovered that the family was living here illegally, they were told they'd have to leave.

The Kay Bitch Project

The Kay Bitch Project

The upcoming film to promote the redevelopment of Downtown KC is already underway:

A documentary film project – an hour-long national television program that will chronicle KC’s development boom and rebirth. This project utilizes Downtown Kansas City as the lens through which the filmmakers follow our community during the process of revitalizing our urban core. The film will chronicle the story of how this city has been and is continuing to turn itself around, highlighting the new development as it comes into being.

The $500,000 fundraising goal for the documentary has been achieved. Fundraising continues for the $100,000 production budget to allow the production of ad-wraps and PSA's that will promote Downtown Kansas City over the next 3 years.

Top Ten Proposed titles:

10. Where did all the poor people and minorities go?
9. We built this city on lofts and condos
8. Speculation and irrational exuberance
7. The Day After Part II. Tagline: "One yuppie was mugged and killed and everybody moved out. In the aftermath, only luxury housing remained."
6. The loft I use to cheat on my wife
5. Downtown Loft Dating Guide: Stupid, shallow broads love nice things.
4. The rent is due: How a single loft dwelling young woman became an escort.
3. Westside Story. This time the Jets and Sharks are completely wiped out by Kay Barnes and her cast of developers. I hear Kay’s high kicks are amazing!
2. The Scraps are better: The tale of a homeless man and his views regarding downtown development.
1. Ghost town. Sadly, you’ve already seen this movie but it’s pretty much what happened the last time the City put a whole bunch of money into Downtown. When’s the last time you’ve been to Union Station?

Gimme one more chance OR Less Than Zero

(Picture me, on my knees and begging as you’re walking out the door. You’ve grabbed your purse, dried your eyes and prepared to start your life anew)

Tony: Please baby! Don’t go. You know I love you. I didn’t mean to say all those stupid hurtful things. I’m sorry. Your mother is actually a very pleasant and attractive woman. No baby, both of your legs are the same length.

Never again. I promise I’ll never go near you again with a wire clothes hanger. I know now that you have sensitive skin. Just give me one more chance!

And then from behind my back I pull out free tickets to the KC Rock N Comedy festival Saturday, July 9th at Grinders. If you want a free ticket courtesy of the awesome guys at The Big Dumb Fun Show send me an e-mail with your name and I’ll leave it with the guys at will call. Limit two names per e-mail. A nude picture of your hot girlfriend that I can post on this site will get you three tickets.

Ah, now let’s end the scene:

Tony: That’s right baby. Come back to me. I love you, you know I don’t mean to hurt you.

You put down the purse, walk back inside and close the door behind you.

Tony: Now make me a chicken pot pie!!! You whiny bitch!

Note: I know, domestic abuse is rarely funny but when it is, it's fucking hilarious.

The Game is History

Long ago, I was one of those people who religiously followed football. Football serves as a wonderful metaphor for war, America and life but in the end it’s just a game.

I hate to be one of those football geeks who recalls the long gone age before Nike and multi-million dollar contracts ruined the sport but it’s hard not the get philosophical about the Chiefs during the Stram era. Compared to present day, the salaries were a mere pittance and TV coverage had yet to create touchdown dances and the like. More importantly, a lower income family could still afford to go the games and the parking lot wasn’t full of Johnson County dirtbags camping, er . . . tailgating. . . er . . . posing. Finally, the players seemed to have just a little more class than the mink coat wearing, blonde groupie screwing crack addicts that haunt Westport and The Plaza regardless of a win or loss.

Anyway, the most obvious aspect of Stram’s passing is that the old film that captures him during his heyday looks as though it could have been shot a hundred years ago. Present day NFL coaches don’t have charisma or charm, they’re little CEO’s. The game isn’t entertainment for working class families anymore; instead the pastime is branded content consumed in franchise sports bars and merchandized across the globe with apparel manufactured on some far off Asian peninsula. Like Stram, the glory days of the football and the Chiefs are dead.

Freedom costs a buck o' five

The little bastard kids on my block are shooting off fireworks right now. I can’t help think of one of my favorite scenes from The Godfather Part II and realize that today would be a perfect opportunity to shoot somebody. Earlier this morning some crack head smashed my sister’s car window in order to procure $2.75 in spare change. Violence, theft, cruel reality, drunkenness and more violence aptly mark today’s celebration of U.S. Independence.

Still, all things considered, it’s good to know that I live in a country that allows me to publish my insane, ill-tempered and uninformed insights and rants on the net. Talking/typing so much shit in other parts of the world will get you gunned down faster than you can say narco-terrorist but in the U.S. it’s simply called blogging. Corporations and big media have been unable to stop it and subsequently tried to co-opt it, not many bloggers even understand it but in the end I think it all comes down to free speech, free (digital) press in its purest form. A bunch of people bitching on the computer in what has become a symphony that typifies American angst, guilt, obsession, stupidity, hubris, optimism but more than anything . . . Freedom. God Bless America. Today’s goal: Keep all your fingers and toes because you’ll need them tomorrow morning. I guarantee it.

Where is the love? OR Dirty Dancers

This blog has provided me a place to rant against the local media, the mayor, local law enforcement, posers and white people; but lately I’ve received far more angry e-mails than I ever would have expected regarding my brilliant and informative post slamming Capoeira. Awesome!

I guess this weekend wasn’t a good time to frolic, dance and jump in the park so all of the Capoeira crazies decided to leap in front of their computers and send me a line. The last time I had this many white people mad at me, my family was trying to move into a better neighborhood.

Anyway, here are some great lines I’ve received from nearly half a dozen enraged dancers:

“You don’t know what the Hell you’re talking about!”

“I bet you’re one of those fat people, jealous of anybody who can do something with their body other than play on the Internet.”

Now that’s completely unfair, I do a lot of things with my body while I’m playing with the Internet.

“I see your post/blog whatever reeks of stupidity.”

“You’re just a sad person really.”

“Your comment about only a couple of people you saw having any lineage that would relate to this art was idiotic. Basically what you are saying is unless you are black, Asian, Korean, etc. no one should do a martial art because they would be posers.”

No, that’s EXACTLY what I mean.

“It’s easy to make fun of something you don’t understand.”

“Intolerant, moronic and just plain wrong.”

The rest of the angry e-mails just go on and on insulting the size of my penis and my virility. This is strange, because if I knew that any of the women I ever slept with did Capoeira, I would have been that much rougher with them. Anyway, my opinion stands. Not only is Capoeira a fruity ass art form practiced mainly by posers but also apparently doesn’t do much to relieve stress or promote the comprehension of jokes.

Post-modernism not stealing

My favorite David Letterman joke " reappropriated" for TKC:

"I like the fourth of July. The firecrackers drown out the gunfire."

Promo: Can't live without my radio

I shouldn't censor myself but I was going to write a really mean post about one of the many really dumb female bloggers out there but there is probably enough misogyny on this page to make Andrew "Dice" Clay blush. So I decided to be a little more productive.

Be sure to check out the next installment of The Big Dumb Fun Show which is broadcast on the Internet and locally on All Comedy Radio 1340 KCKN. Soon, I'm gonna record a segment on the show. The BDFS guys are great and I'm proud to say that I was a fan of their pretty early on, I cannot say the same about my devotion to Zamfir.

The Vigorish

Student loan interest rates are going up. In related news, there will be a wider selection of strippers in local clubs.

Isn't that special?

More alleged improprieties against a clergymen in KC. Men of the cloth in KC are having a hard time the past few years, they almost get hassled as much as local skaters.

Road Rage

I don't have to worry much about traffic on the 4th of July weekend. What I do have to worry about is bunch of dumbass kids and adults celebrating their love of this country by blowing up small pieces of it. Yep, the few broke ass people still left in the city probably spend whatever savings they have left this weekend on illegal fireworks. It's not all bad, this summer (as a small, stupid gesture of solidarity with the troops) I'm going to pretend that I'm in a combat zone. Ironically, it's not too far from the truth. I'm also thinking of making a fort with the sofa cushions but that wouldn't be too much of a celebratory gesture because it happens so often.

Not Gay

Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I've had over three e-mails asking me if I was gay after the rain post. Damn, can't a dude get contemplative? Just once? Jeez. Anyway, here is a NSFW gallery of hot ass Holly Joan Heart so that you will not question my dedication to booty . . . women's booty! Bastards.