Bling

I always feel sorry for the dumbass people out there who spend tons of money on jewelry or rims or whatever kind of shiny object that satisfies our inner primate.

Real money spends it smartly. When real money wants to show off they do something like this:

Henry Bloch gives UMKC $3 million

That's impressive, three million bones just to make sure that the ranks of middle management are always full.

I'll probably never have that kind of cash but if I do, here are a few under funded philanthropic items that I will fund:

• Overweight Cheerleaders
• Asian gangsta rappers under 5'3
• International society of mullet preservation
• The three lower income families in Independence, MO that are in no way connected to Meth or Meth labs.
• Organization of down low detectives. Tagline: "Your dude's gay!"
• KC society of homeless sign makers. "Making desperation more decorative"
• Latinos with less than three kids
• A scholarship program for 20 something women who are not desperate to get married.
• An army of robot warriors armed with tasers to patrol the Eastside and indiscriminately shock people. (Couldn't be much worse than the current plan)
• A dating service for suburban white girls who want to piss off their fathers.
• Finally, my greatest gift to this city would be a "bullshit detector" that would automatically take over any PA system the mayor was using and pipe in ABBA music in order to thwart the dissemination of half-truths, empty promises and outright lies.