Showing your privates

If for some reason you feel like exposing yourself today, go ahead . . . because the odds are good that you're already out there anyway.

ChoicePoint, one of the nation's largest commercial data collection
companies, said Monday that a variety of personal and financial information kept
on 1,635 Missourians and 1,613 Kansans was inadvertently sold to criminals
posing as legitimate businesses.

So whip it out and when you are picked up by the cops, just tell'em that the government and the companies it does business with already broadcast your business, so you just thought you'd put everything else out there as well.

Note: Don't call me from jail.

Big Pimpin'

Who knew planting vegetables attracted women? Check out this headline from The Star:

Gardeners: Get out your hoes

Blogger Backtalk: Faith and Reason

Kansas City's Local bloggers talk it up on subjects ranging from the Big JC to latest bad movie from our other savior Keanu Reeves:

JDoubleP of Badda Blog! reviews a landmark book in the world of comics.

A local blogger roots against the Jayhawks. Send your complaints here.

Fire Dennis Moore tries to decipher the Kansas politician's view on Social Security.

Local blogger Heidi looses brain cells as the semester drags on.

The unlikely second coming of Christ and other odd news from around the world by local Brit blogger Graham Lester.

Red Bull gives you wings and television commercials give local blogger Pomegranate Pretty a headache.

Local blogger Reecie recalls an encounter with the late Hunter S. Thompson.

A great review of Constantine from local blogger Sirvinegar.

Music news, links and local shows from local blogger Andrea.

Thoughts from Kansas links to the fossil record in the Sunflower State. Sadly, some people continue to be dumb as rocks and can't reconcile their faith with a few old bones.

Favored

Because she is the favorite of nearly every local writer I've ever met, Lovely local blogger Sheri returns the favor and lists a few of her own regular reads.

Cheating heart

Cheating is the "ultimate betrayal" says local blogger Laura, who has clearly never had a partner steal her ATM card.

Po folk

In this great post, local blogger Hersh takes up the plight of the "Poor White & Pissed." Being poor and white in this country is hard because there really isn't anybody to blame, except the Mexicans.

Mean Girls

Drunk chicks and goats, The Superficial Plaza Chick recounts a night of debauchery.

Actually, the post is a lot more tame than the link might suggest. However, the story covers one of the most cruelest entitites known to man: a group of drunk women. Sure, everybody thinks drunk chicks are a ton of laughs but it's not all boobie flashing and tongue kissing when it comes to blitzed babes.

Drunk women can be remarkably mean to each other and to everyone around them. There is something about liquor that makes women admit that their best friend is a slut, their boyfriend has a small penis and the girl across the bar thinks she's hot but she really has a huge fat ass.

In fact, I'm sure that if drunk women were in charge of the Holocaust it would have been and even more horrific affair.

"You're wearing that shirt?"

"Yeah."

"Get on the train."

So the next time you're reaching for a video camera to document the wild antics of a drunken damsel, remember that (unless you look like Brad Pitt) if she had her way you'd be dead.

Live and let cry

Local blogs Bluntwatch and Badda Blog! both noted yesterday that our Governor, the honorable Baby Blunt, thinks half of the state is unliveable.

Here's the money quote:

In a jab at the rival Democratic Party, the governor asserted that to find
its Missouri supporters, "You have to go to places where nobody wants to live
anymore."

However, my favorite part of the article is when they the STL Dispatch calls Blunt the "titular head" of the state's Republican party. All news stories should make you giggle at least once.

Anyway, this comment from the Baby Blunt isn't surprising and it's not like his vicious budget cuts are doing anything to help out the people residing in what he considers to be the "no-man's land" of Missouri. Still, it's clear that our Governor is frustrated by his increasing number of critics and has resorted to whining like a petulant child about all the mean poor people, minorities and the liberal media. Maybe it's time his daddy did us all a favor and washed Baby Blunt's mouth out with soap.

Chubby Chasers

Rather than revising its divorce law, Kansas finds another way to restrain some of its fat and vindictive residents. The "Cheeseburger Law" is aimed at protecting restaurants from obesity suits.

Sadly, there is no protection against the addictive substance in French fries that sends so many adults out into the street in the middle of the night like crack addicts.

Local Links: Street Life

A home invasion leaves a local man dead. A woman was hurt in the incident as well.

Hot damn! To brazen crooks rip off KCK firefighters.

A local kid was hurt by an object thrown at a car. Unfortunately, stoning won't be an option to punish the assailant.

More Charlie Parker memorabilia is on its way to KC. Local heroin junkies wonder if that'll include his non musical "works."

Famous bitch has a local connection.

Hall of fame awaits local adult entertainer. Too bad our local athletes can't get into the hall of fame for sucking so much.

Cut too deep

Senator Bond stands up to the President because the Democrats are too busy hiding under Hillary's skirt to do anything. Or maybe all the Dems are taking primal scream therapy from Howard Dean? Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaahaaaahhhhhak!

Submission and Dominance

As the Kansas Speedway celebrates its 5th anniversary, a KCK man laments the eminent domain abuse that drove him from his property.

Who needs property rights when big business and the State can profit from toothless gawkers watching drivers making left turns?

Blogger Backtalk: Round-ups and Reviews

These local bloggers see the movies, go to the events and watch TV so you don't have to take once second away from trying to track down your cheating spouse.

Local blogger Andrea goes though Paris Hilton's address book.

John Stewart for President! Local blogger Mark offers another reason why.

Lawrence blogger Mike reviews last nights gay marriage episode of The Simpsons.

KC Soil deconstructs the public art display on the side of the new downtown library.

KC Downtown development provides some info about the historic downtown Baltimore Hotel.

Million Dollar Baby was worth every penny according to local blogger iShane.

Local blog Fire Dennis More rounds up this weekend's Republican gossip from Kansas.

Mr. Cellophane reviews Constantine. Or should we call it "The Matrix: Revelations."

Finally . . .

Attention! KC metro residents, don't forget that you don't have to take your trash out today. Like local blogger Adam did.

Helping Hand

In this touching post, Local blogger Dan gets a painful glimpse of Parkinson's Disease.

This is one of the best posts I've read in a while. It's a great example of how people in this town will help one another out. I don't know if stem cells hold the cure to every ill but, truly, kindness and compassion offer a great remedy as well.

Additionally, this post illustrates an effective method for getting a ride home when you're broke and don't feel like walking any longer.

The people are revolting

Sunday with the protestors. Local blogger Mac makes his way through all of the interesting characters gathered at the J.C. Nichols Fountain.

Get up, Stand up!

A moderate Republican opposes the gay marriage ban, too bad he's out of office. Lawrence blog Thoughts from Kansas reports.

Nice Pants

A pair of nice fitting jeans has turned this local blogger into a fashion victim. The author of 'What I Deserve' has become that which she once despised.

The Good Doctor is Gone

The ending is the hardest part. Every writer knows that wrapping things up in a satisfying way is a maddening task. Apparently, Hunter Thompson decided that he would just steal a page from Ernest Hemingway and commit suicide by way of a self inflicted gunshot. Today, everyone will be broadcasting meaningless tributes to the author and some internet geeks will undoubtedly cite his gonzo style as one of the greatest influences on blogging. That connection is off base. Like all great performers, Thompson made his work seem easy. Bloggers around the world can imitate, but that's about it. The Good Doctor was an innovator, and for better or worse, his style was so influential that it's now a nearly ubiquitous element in any kind of meaningful journalism. Because of Thompson, we now expect nearly every dumbass writing an opinion piece to opine about their personal feelings and perceptions. This fact would make me sad if I wasn't so high right now . . .

Anyway, what is saddest about Thompson's demise is that it provides yet another example of how Americans are unable to separate their identity from what they do for a living. Rather than using his writing as an outlet and leaving his brilliant cynicism, bitterness and anger on the page, Thompson let it consume his soul. How many people in this culture feel defined by what they do, the car they drive or the neighborhood in which they live? Work provides income, character, a chance to flirt with underpaid bimbos and sometimes a dental plan but it does nothing to define a personality.

For those who might assume that it was Thompson's angst that made him a great writer: bullshit. Brilliance/talent is not derived from pain or any other kind of mental anguish. Every basket case is not a genius. Typically, emotional distress only benefits those seeking a career in law enforcement.

The Good Doctor has said good night. His passing was too soon and too pointless. A good ending is hard to create and more often than not we don't get to decide our own. Sadly, for Thompson, the world was every bit as cruel and sardonic as his words. Thankfully, those words remain to help us make sense of our own lives as we work our way toward our conclusion.

Give and take

Last night the KC Outlaws lost to the Ice Hogs 3-2 in what was reportedly an exciting match. I'm not a big fan of hockey but the local franchise seems to be a nice departure from the NHL and the spoiled players that make up its ranks. Normally, I'm in support of just about every union and their right to strike but sports players can hardly be lumped together with the workers of the world. In fact, it's hard for me to watch professional sports without occasionally coming to the realization that grown men are making millions of dollars for pushing around, throwing or catching a spherical object of some sort.

In other sports news, local IMAX theaters will be showing "The Nascar Experience." Viewers are promised an experience so real, they'll leave the theater dizzy from ethanol fumes.

Additionally, for those of you who like more cerebral entertainment, Ani Difranco will be in Lawrence tonight. Her concert will feature great, thought provoking music and a chance to pick up women who don't shave their armpits.

Whatever your plans are, have a fun and safe Saturday night. Thanks for reading this week folks. And thank you for bearing with me through all the changes this page has recently undergone.

Gimme back my bullets

A series of shootings on the Eastside leaves five people wounded. Right now police and media on the scene don't know much except maybe that Spring might be getting closer. Sadly, higher instances of gun violence in KC always signal the return or warmer weather.

Set them free

It's probably not a big secret that I'm a fan of women's breasts. After the Janet Jackson incident at the Super Bowl, I made sure to go out and buy her new album. Additionally, I try to participate in the "Race for the Cure" whenever I get a chance and I completely support the women in Kansas who want the right to breastfeed their children in public. As long as they plan to share . . .

Low Expectations

An infamous Overland Park dating service must now pay back $215,000 to local losers. Presumably, so the former clients can at least pay for anti-depressants.

More meth-ing around

Despite renewed efforts to bust meth labs, Kansas faces an increasing meth problem . . . As evidenced by frequent mullet sightings.

"School's out forever"

Faced with the budget cuts, the Kansas City School District is forced to tighten its belt. Parents of children in a popular Montessori program that may be consolidated (read closed) say that they are willing to take their children out of the district faster than you can say Johnson County.

C'mon hear the noise

Thanks to whoever mailed me this but didn't leave a name. The link is much appreciated anyway.

Here is a great list of live music events this weekend in Kansas City.

Shows include:

modest mouse at The Uptown...
Big bad Voodoo Daddy at The Midland...
Gary "Alaska" Sloan at BB's...
Valentine & The Ticklers at Jazz North...
Bob Harvey at Blayney's...
Ida at Jardine's...

For more information, click here.

Or you can just stay at home and play the spoons.

Only the Lonely

Local blogger Dangerboy has posted an amazingly funny and wonderfully mean-spirited guide to ho-strolls in and around Kansas City.

They already caught Terry Blair so I'm nearly certain that this local blogger collected the information through observation and not personal experience.

Blogger Backtalk: Ever mindful

More great links and writing from local bloggers who have plenty of interesting information and opinions to share:

A keen comic review from Badda Blog!

Private Parts: More talk about Jeff Gannon from local blogger Thorswitch.

Republicans are embarrassing the people of Missouri according to local blogger Dan.

Local blogger Michael reports that Bloomsday Books is the newest resident in the Crossroads.

KC Dreamin' tries to find a happy place during a recent visit to the dentist.

Like nearly all single women, local blogger Laura is thinking of getting a cat.

Local blogger Dreadnought7 discovers the whereabouts of child actor Steve Burns.

Remarkable random crap from Reecie.

Local blogger Andrea posts some interesting spam titles and some links to musicians making their way through KC.

Susan, a local blogger and Mom, pens a fantastic post about censorship in the schools and parental responsibility.

Heartbreaking

Kansas City company Hallmark apologized for a malfunction on their website during Valentine's Day. Many users were unable to send or view online cards.

And in other heartbreaking news for those who couldn't care less about cheesy online greetings . . . An unidentified transient recently died in an accidental fire under the I-670 bridge.

Share one or both of these stories with your loved one when they bitch about not getting anything for Valentine's Day.

Monkeyshines

The never ending debate over science standards and teaching evolution in Kansas schools is driving me insane. In order to seek retribution, this weekend I'm thinking about going to my church and interrupting the sermon with some interesting facts on plate tectonics or maybe a long dissertation regarding photosynthesis.

It's not that I don't respect everyone's right to believe whatever the Hell they want. However, "Intelligent Design" or creationism (or whatever in God's name you want to call it) is not science. Not that I've ever had any success in academic subjects other than lunch, but I know bullshit when I see it. Pushing some insane half-assed theory on children learning science is cruel. At least they could teach the impossible-to-prove, based on the supernatural, crazy ass theory during American History class.

For a more intelligent discussion of this issue, visit Lawrence blogger Joshua Rosenau's blog "Thoughts From Kansas." He's been going to these Education Board meetings and managed to sit through the debate without gnashing his teeth in agony.

You talking to me?

Lovely local blogger Sheri lets loose on cab service in Johnson County. Sheri also earned a mention in this week's Backwash section of The Pitch. Clearly, the girl has beauty, brains and a keen dislike for the suburbs. What's not to love?

Failing Grade

According to this article:

About 25 percent of Missouri children lack some of the physical, social, emotional and intellectual skills they need to be successful in kindergarten.

The rest of the kids are just ugly.

That's Entertainment

"Two Trains Running" is a powerful dramatic play written by two-time Pulitzer Prize winner August Wilson. The play is part of a series of dramas that examine the life of African-Americans in the last century. The play will be showing at the Gem Theater at 18th and Vine starting today and throughout the weekend. Unfortunately, there's nobody left in that blighted and dangerous part of town to enjoy this wonderful cultural event.

The Star also highlights some more events that sound equally uninteresting:

The Star: Things to do this weekend other than drugs.

Open Mic Night in KC offers locals a chance to embarass themselves with something besides their failed marriages.

A restataurant review along with a description of an online hookup will make you wish the author of the article either gets food poisoning or a mild case of the clap.

Shoot out

A Harrisonville man was shot after a 16 hour standoff. Kansas City's tactical team was brought in to help with the situation and crowd control, but really just to bring in officers that were experienced with shooting people.

Mr. Telephone Man

Here's a case of a dumbass St. Louis kid who cried wolf. Rumor has it, as his punishment, authorities will place the suburban kid in the middle of East St. Louis and give him a quarter for one last call. If he can make it back, all is forgiven.

Show and Tell

Suburban bliss is getting harder to come by nowadays. The residents of Overland Park can't even go jogging anymore without running into some guy trying to show off his wang.

That's the great thing about living in the inner city. If someone is naked in the bushes, they are either busy having public gay sex or they've just been mugged. In either case, nude men in urban areas pose little threat to passersby.

Blogger Backtalk: Love hangover

Love is still in the air, along with a few other unpleasant odors. These local bloggers serve up some great stories and insights with these informative posts.

*This local blog provides an excellent way to keep track of the fate of Abe Vigoda.

*And speaking of Fish, "It may be called a pussy, but unlike a cat, it shouldn't have to be licked to be cleaned." And now that I've swallowed the little bit of vomit in my mouth induced by that quote, I'll invite you to share the post Valentine's Day love hangover provided by local blogger Bradical Mindspew.

*And now from fish to chicken, local blogger KJ makes a great point: As the situation in Iraq grows worse, supporting our troops might mean enlisting. Are the Neocon twirps at the The New Republic gonna sign up?

*"The real way to a woman's heart is respect," says The Superficial Plaza Chick. And that's probably funnier than anything I'll write today. Sadly, I've never heard a woman moan, "Respect me. Yeah, that's right, right there. Keep on respecting me. Respect me harder. Oh baby, you respect me so well! Don't ever stop respecting me!"

*Finally, in other not-so-funny yet still very ironic news, local blogger Joe at KC Soil shares stories of Iraqi graft with U.S. dollars.

Walk this Way

If you read local blogger Heidi's work, you know that KC is not a friendly town for pedestrians. In fact, last night another one of this town's walkers was run down while probably on his way to get Mexican food. The Boulevard is horribly lit at night and a parking area across from a row of restaurants makes for many treacherous late night meals. As if Mexicans don't have enough grief over those stupid "Make a run for the border" ads, now the pursuit of a delicious quesadilla could end with someone eating fender.

On a similar note, thanks to Heidi for sending me this link regarding a show this Thursday on KCUR that will examine the roll of blogs on media discourse. It sounds like a great topic that is probably over my head, unless they plan to discuss the power of pussy jokes or which local female journalist would make the hottest stripper.

My vote is for Kelly Eckerman by the way.

View from the Top

The luxury condo boom continues in Kansas City. Efforts to revive a stalled plan for more luxury living space on the Plaza might soon be underway. All things considered it's not a bad thing that rich people are getting more options for housing closer to the city's urban core. Additionally, the many escorts, delivery and maintenance people who service the residents of these spaces might get a chance to appreciate the view as well.

Clearly, Kansas City is looking for new residents with big bucks and higher taxable incomes. While all of these new developments are touted by officials across the metro, the potholes in this town threaten to swallow those of us not driving SUV's. In the end, Country Club Kay can't be blamed for bending over backwards in an attempt to seduce the new gentry back to the city. What's a gold digging girl supposed to do?

However, as middle and lower income Kansas City residents cease to be valued as citizens and now become nothing more than scenery; those looking out on their expensive view might notice a lot of pissed off people, upset with the city's misplaced priorities, looking back.

Pay for play

Forrest Gump would say that journalism is like a box of chocolates, “You never know what you’re gonna get.” But Forest was a blathering idiot and that movie was a nearly masturbatory self-absorbed opus for the baby boom generation. In truth, journalists are surprisingly similar to prostitutes. Hell, some journalists who once found favor with the Bush administration might have actually been high priced male escorts.

Similarly, The news that Emanuel Cleaver will no longer offer consultant fees to reporters who also cover him is just another example that Washington D.C. doesn’t make politicians crooked, they were already corrupt when they arrived.

It's about that time

Yep, I'm changing things up once again.

Stay tuned. Because it's only a matter of time till I admit defeat again and change things back.