Oracle Hosts AI Kansas City Career Fair

By now the last remaining middle-class locals are terrified over news of even more layoffs at Cerner Oracle Kansas City . . . But there's a bright side . . .

TKC BRINGS NEWS OF AN EPIC AI CAREER FAIR & ORACLE HOPING TO HIRE YOUR LAPTOP!!! 

Here are the deets sent to www.TonysKansasCity.com . . . 

ATTENTION KANSAS CITY: IS YOUR LAPTOP SMARTER THAN YOU?💻🤖

Are you tired of applying for jobs only to be ghosted by an algorithm? At this Tuesday’s "Bring Your Own Brain-Box" AI Hiring Extravaganza, we’re cutting out the middleman! We don’t want to talk to you—we want to talk to your hardware.

If your computer spends more time generating dreamscapes of cats in space than it does "sleeping," we want it in our server rack! We are looking for candidates who possess:

- A cooling fan that sounds like a Boeing 747 taking off.
- A GPU so hot it can double as a space heater for those KC winters.
- The ability to ignore the "Update Required" notification for at least 48 hours.

The Interview Process:

- Plug your laptop into our "Neural Handshake" station.

- If your machine successfully hallucinates a 6-fingered portrait of our CEO within 30 seconds, you’re hired!

- You can stay on as a "Hardware Maintenance Liaison" (you get to carry the laptop bag).

Note: Please ensure your computer is housebroken and does not attempt to overthrow the local power grid during the screening.

THE "BENEFITS" PACKAGE (OR: HOW WE POWER YOUR FUTURE) ⚡🔋

Forget boring 401(k)s and dental plans. If your computer is the one doing the heavy lifting, we believe in rewarding the hardware (and its human accessory) with the essentials:

Liquid Gold Healthcare: Unlimited access to our premium, industrial-grade silver-thermal cooling paste buffet. Keep those idle temperatures lower than your chances of a promotion!

The "Current" Wage: A competitive salary paid entirely in Evergy Electricity Vouchers and high-voltage extension cords.

Retirement Plan: When your laptop finally hits "End of Life," we’ll provide a dignified burial in our E-Waste Memorial Garden (and a 5% discount on a refurbished 2018 MacBook).

On-Site Amenities: All-you-can-compressed-air canisters and a dedicated "Quiet Zone" where the hum of 10,000 cooling fans serves as your white noise machine.

Disclaimer: Oracle and the City of Kansas City are not responsible for any laptops that gain sentience, start criticizing your browser history, or try to run for Mayor during the interview.
############

Developing . . .