Sunday, February 04, 2018
Super Dave Considers Super Bowl Food
A really fun read from a friend of the blog and a TKC favorite . . . A uniquely Kansas City perspective on the only thing exciting about this year's big game . . .
Super Dave: Super Bowl Food
Here is a list of food for eating while watching the Super Bowl game. The list goes from worse to the best foods to serve your friends. But depending on the beer you’re serving during the game most might be ripped enough you could serve them Always Save assorted chips and Oscar Mayor Lunchables and they be happy as hell. So eat drink and be merry as you enjoy the game . . .
Myself, I’m going to grill a nice ribeye along with some good scotch while watching something much more entertaining such as North Dallas Forty followed up with another classic Blazing Saddles.
14. Big Ass Bowl of Beans
What are you thinking? I don’t care what kind of beans they are—refried, pinto, black, navy—they are not appropriate party-food. Don’t serve a big bowl of beans at your party, no matter how much YOU like them.
13. French Onion Soup
This is pretty much the same as the beans, Look, I “LOVE” French Onion soup. It’s delightful and filling and succulent and it’s like getting a big ol’ hug from a sexy Cheese Monster. But only a serial killer would serve F.O.S. at a Super Bowl party.
12. Veggie Tray
Get the fuck out of here with this. Nobody actually wants limp carrots and stale, crumbly cauliflower,
even WITH a small lake of ranch dressing. It still sucks and people are only eating this because they’re being polite.
11. Hummus with Pita
Under other circumstances, I’m OK with hummus and pita; if I see it at a Super Bowl party though, I’m going to report you to Homeland Security after I shit in your bathtub.
10. Crackers with Meats and Cheese
There’s nothing inherently wrong with a cheese/meat/cracker plate. But it’s also a little uninspired. In
one fell swoop it proclaims “I’d like you to eat and be full, my friend!” but also “eh, I don’t give a shit.”
Who doesn’t appreciate a sandwich? They’re universally beloved. If you’re offering sandwiches, I’d
suggest just having them premade and ready to fondle. The last thing you need is Debbie Drunktits
flinging sliced meat and mayo around your kitchen with reckless abandon.
8. Chips and Dips
There’s nothing wrong with something of the Doritos or Frito variety, and never let anyone tell you that either one needs any sort of dip accompaniment. If you’re going with tortilla or potato chips, however, you need some dip. Here are the best dips, in order of bad to good:
f) French Onion— Decent, but not GREAT.
e) Bacon and Horseradish—Getting better, but not for everyone.
d) 7-Layer—THIS is an appropriate use of beans at your party.
c) Spinach and Artichoke—If you don’t like this, you’re a liar.
b) Rotel Cheese Dip—Come to Papa.
a) Buffalo Chicken Dip—I just impregnated my computer thinking about this. OMG, I FUCKING LOVE BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP.
7. A Box of Taco Bell/KFC/McDonald’s
I’m pretty sure this is only in commercials. You know the one—the dude shows up with a PARTY PACK OF MCNUGGETS! or a TACO BLASTER PACK! and everyone explodes in an orgy of appreciation and horny sex reigns down on the guy who brought the fast food. I don’t think the porking actually happens in real life, but it’s honestly NOT a bad idea. The best time to eat any kind of fast food is when you’re drunk, so you’re kidding yourself if you say you wouldn’t appreciate seven soft tacos during and after a football game.
6. Lil’ Smokies/Mini-Meatballs
Hell yeah. Eat like, eighty of these. Destroy your stomach lining. Doing shit RIGHT, son
‘Chos are great, but only if prepared properly. (And provided you NEVER call them ‘chos. Fuck you if you say ‘za, too.) Quality nachos need some kind of meat (steak, seasoned ground beef or chicken), some kind of bean (refried or whole black), green onion, finely chopped tomatoes, and cheese sauce. CHEESE SAUCE. You can add some melted, shredded cheese if you feel like you have to, but the base-cheese needs to be gooey, velvety, processed CHEESE SAUCE. We’re not shooting for something authentic or high quality here—we’re shooting for fat-kid- on-a- chunk-spree.
4. Assorted BBQ
This could be higher, but there’s too much room for error. Good BBQ is the best thing ever, obviously, but bad BBQ can ruin a party faster than that awkward couple who argues at the drop of a fucking hat and makes everyone uncomfortable.
Not COLONEL JESSUP’S SWEET CONFEDERATE MEMPHIS BBQ WINGS and not SPICY THAI-CHILI- LIME WINGS and not any kind of garlic-lemon- pepper butter wings, but honest to God Buffalo wings. Real Buffalo wings are heavenly and there’s no need to screw them up with self-congratulatory, abusive flavor combinations.
Chili is versatile, which is nice, but the best thing is just regular red chili with beans (CHILI NEEDS BEANS, DAMMIT) and meat, dumped into a bowl and later dumped into another bowl. (TOILET JOKE.) Before it is expelled, however, it is delightful covered with diced onions and cheddar cheese and maybe sour cream, and then scooped up with crackers. (Or, tortilla chips!)
Don’t fuck around. Just order a damn pizza. Duh.