Sunday, February 04, 2018

Super Dave Considers Super Bowl Food

A really fun read from a friend of the blog and a TKC favorite . . . A uniquely Kansas City perspective on the only thing exciting about this year's big game . . .

Super Dave: Super Bowl Food

Here is a list of food for eating while watching the Super Bowl game. The list goes from worse to the best foods to serve your friends. But depending on the beer you’re serving during the game most might be ripped enough you could serve them Always Save assorted chips and Oscar Mayor Lunchables and they be happy as hell. So eat drink and be merry as you enjoy the game . . .

Myself, I’m going to grill a nice ribeye along with some good scotch while watching something much more entertaining such as North Dallas Forty followed up with another classic Blazing Saddles.

14. Big Ass Bowl of Beans

What are you thinking? I don’t care what kind of beans they are—refried, pinto, black, navy—they are not appropriate party-food. Don’t serve a big bowl of beans at your party, no matter how much YOU like them.

13. French Onion Soup

This is pretty much the same as the beans, Look, I “LOVE” French Onion soup. It’s delightful and filling and succulent and it’s like getting a big ol’ hug from a sexy Cheese Monster. But only a serial killer would serve F.O.S. at a Super Bowl party.

12. Veggie Tray

Get the fuck out of here with this. Nobody actually wants limp carrots and stale, crumbly cauliflower,
even WITH a small lake of ranch dressing. It still sucks and people are only eating this because they’re being polite.

11. Hummus with Pita

Under other circumstances, I’m OK with hummus and pita; if I see it at a Super Bowl party though, I’m going to report you to Homeland Security after I shit in your bathtub.

10. Crackers with Meats and Cheese

There’s nothing inherently wrong with a cheese/meat/cracker plate. But it’s also a little uninspired. In
one fell swoop it proclaims “I’d like you to eat and be full, my friend!” but also “eh, I don’t give a shit.”

9. Sandwiches

Who doesn’t appreciate a sandwich? They’re universally beloved. If you’re offering sandwiches, I’d
suggest just having them premade and ready to fondle. The last thing you need is Debbie Drunktits
flinging sliced meat and mayo around your kitchen with reckless abandon.

8. Chips and Dips

There’s nothing wrong with something of the Doritos or Frito variety, and never let anyone tell you that either one needs any sort of dip accompaniment. If you’re going with tortilla or potato chips, however, you need some dip. Here are the best dips, in order of bad to good:

f) French Onion— Decent, but not GREAT.
e) Bacon and Horseradish—Getting better, but not for everyone.
d) 7-Layer—THIS is an appropriate use of beans at your party.
c) Spinach and Artichoke—If you don’t like this, you’re a liar.
b) Rotel Cheese Dip—Come to Papa.
a) Buffalo Chicken Dip—I just impregnated my computer thinking about this. OMG, I FUCKING LOVE BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP.

7. A Box of Taco Bell/KFC/McDonald’s

I’m pretty sure this is only in commercials. You know the one—the dude shows up with a PARTY PACK OF MCNUGGETS! or a TACO BLASTER PACK! and everyone explodes in an orgy of appreciation and horny sex reigns down on the guy who brought the fast food. I don’t think the porking actually happens in real life, but it’s honestly NOT a bad idea. The best time to eat any kind of fast food is when you’re drunk, so you’re kidding yourself if you say you wouldn’t appreciate seven soft tacos during and after a football game.

6. Lil’ Smokies/Mini-Meatballs

Hell yeah. Eat like, eighty of these. Destroy your stomach lining. Doing shit RIGHT, son

5. Nachos

‘Chos are great, but only if prepared properly. (And provided you NEVER call them ‘chos. Fuck you if you say ‘za, too.) Quality nachos need some kind of meat (steak, seasoned ground beef or chicken), some kind of bean (refried or whole black), green onion, finely chopped tomatoes, and cheese sauce. CHEESE SAUCE. You can add some melted, shredded cheese if you feel like you have to, but the base-cheese needs to be gooey, velvety, processed CHEESE SAUCE. We’re not shooting for something authentic or high quality here—we’re shooting for fat-kid- on-a- chunk-spree.

4. Assorted BBQ

This could be higher, but there’s too much room for error. Good BBQ is the best thing ever, obviously, but bad BBQ can ruin a party faster than that awkward couple who argues at the drop of a fucking hat and makes everyone uncomfortable.

3. Wings

Not COLONEL JESSUP’S SWEET CONFEDERATE MEMPHIS BBQ WINGS and not SPICY THAI-CHILI- LIME WINGS and not any kind of garlic-lemon- pepper butter wings, but honest to God Buffalo wings. Real Buffalo wings are heavenly and there’s no need to screw them up with self-congratulatory, abusive flavor combinations.

2. Chili
Chili is versatile, which is nice, but the best thing is just regular red chili with beans (CHILI NEEDS BEANS, DAMMIT) and meat, dumped into a bowl and later dumped into another bowl. (TOILET JOKE.) Before it is expelled, however, it is delightful covered with diced onions and cheddar cheese and maybe sour cream, and then scooped up with crackers. (Or, tortilla chips!)

1. Pizza

Don’t fuck around. Just order a damn pizza. Duh.


Anonymous said...

Did somebody say "beans"?

Anonymous said...

Or just buy a keg and forget the damn nibblies.

chuck said...

That was hilarious!



Anonymous said...

^^^^Jesus. That was awful. The fact tha chuck re-emerged from his self induced deep state coma only confirms it. How’s the biggest scandal since watergate going? Ha! If TKC is going to post worthless shit like stupid Dave, you are already gone.

Anonymous said...

How many homicides have we had this weekend? That’s what’s important around here. We need to hit 200.

Anonymous said...

"A really fun read?" Yeah if you're a fucking pants-shutting geezer.

Ya get one phone call dumbass said...

The biggest scandal since Watergate is in first gear you tranny, troglodyte puke.

There was NO National Security concerns and the prima facie is there for all to see but the willfully impercipient and brain dead, flatliner fucks like you.

Again, MORE LIES and "Nothing to see hear" bullshit from Progressive, Fascist Fanatics who support the Deep State and hate the Rule Of Law. Now that we have read the memo, it is clear there are no national security issues. That was a lie, a feint. The Democrats know very well that the swells at the FBI, DOJ, DNC, NSA, State, and the Clinton campaign contrived to sabotage the Trump candidacy and after the election to submarine his presidency. They not only approve of their various unconstitutional plans to subvert the electorate, they champion them. It's who they are. In their blinkered brains, pickled by the destructive ideology of leftism, they think they are wiser, smarter, and better than anyone on the political right.

So, to answer your question, your heroes, not just resigning as they are now, or getting fired, they should be "Lawyering Up".

Dumbass... said...

Here is a picture of all those Democrat heroes together at last.

BTW, the "Pro Tip" guy can go fuck himself.

Anonymous said...

That's funny shit right there, thanks.

Anonymous said...

Hi chuck

Like it could be anybody else

Anonymous said...

Considering what we are hearing from the Chiefs Fans, shouldn't "SOUR GRAPES" be on the menu?

Anonymous said...

+1000000!!! Chuck is th biggest piece of shit on here.

Anonymous said...

Pro tip: you know you shouldn’t post links chuck, nobody reads them.

Anonymous said...

^^^No change your diaper geezer. Nobody is talking Chiefs. The fact you are says you are nothing more than a phony pants-Shitter