Friday, June 30, 2006

Fight for your right to party



I want to hear more about the struggle of this local cop for all of the same reason that cops allow so many people to embarrass themselves for a few minutes right before they are arrested.
A crack pipe and illegal drugs were allegedly found in his (the officer's) home (along with) concerns that he had a relationship with a criminal. A decision from the police board is expected in two weeks.
Also, I'd like to see what kind of arguments the officer makes in his defense, seeing as how they didn't really work for 7th Heaven either.

"Senator Talent. He's as good as it gets for corporate agriculture."



Sometimes I get too upset and carried away with my own dumb ideas. Whenever I get down about the prospect of all of the Mexicans being shipped away and the chance that I might also get thrown on the train as well, I only have to remember that this really is a wonderful country and our political process ensures that nothing much ever really gets accomplished.

So why did Freedom, Inc. endorse Wheeler?



I have no idea. Not a clue. The KC Buzz blog is turning into a kind of open ended question but I'm always surprised how many people in this town pretend not to know how politics really works.

Also, having a little bit of experience with political clubs I can tell you that they are vastly overrated in getting out the vote and they are mainly paper tigers. There is really only one recent candidate who has adopted a good net strategy but I'm sure that some day a local candidate achieve great success by turning to the Internet (like Howard Dean only not as crazy) in order to directly communicate with the voting public rather than relying on the media or these dinosaur organizations that are entrenched in old school, corrupt politics as usual.

If you've got a radio nearby anytime soon you can listen to Mike Sanders respond on Jerry Agar's show at around 4.

Corwin is my new hero



So I was at the public hearing on Immigration yesterday at Penn Valley held by Missouri House of Representatives' Special Committee on Immigration Reform.

I can't write too much about the event because I'm supposed to do a story for Dos Mundos about it which will be published two weeks from now . . . That's print media for you.

What I will note is this: With maybe one exception nearly all of the members of the panel uniformly hate Mexicans and can be trusted to do nothing but make life harder for the every Latino that lives in the state of Missouri.

I now have a lot more respect for Chief Corwin and his efforts after he explained in great detail the work of the Westside CAN center and its benefit in reducing crime in the area. He noted that since the establishment of the place, violent crime has dropped in my neighborhood by more than 50%.

It all fell on deaf ears.

"Aren't we really just talking about sacrificing law for order?" One of the dumbass politicians questioned.

I don't really care because in the end I have to live with whatever decision these people make but it was revealing to hear Corwin tell stories of his early days on the force and how strong arm tactics just didn't work in curbing the so-called immigrant problem.

"Arresting people is the easiest solution. It's a no brainer." Corwin said "And it works, it cleans up the problem . . . For about 7 days."

The panel members were obviously unmoved and the only glimpse of kindness they would show throughout the day was their adoration of Kris Kobach as they lovingly hung on every syllable that came out of his mouth and scribbled down nearly everything he said.

Now I'm not gonna lie. I was seriously impressed with Kobach. The guy has a rapid fire public speaking style that not many people can contend with . . . He expertly cited numerous cases and statutes which might be applicable in the efforts of many Missouri politicos to beat the shit out of Mexican babies. I asked him a few questions later. I didn't mention this blog, only that I was writing a story for Dos Mundos. He's pretty tall but not as tall as I expected and it's kinda scary to think that somebody that smart is working diligently to get people who look like me kicked out of the country. They say that you should know your enemy and I looked into the eyes of somebody without the best interests of my community at heart and dreadfully understood that he's not only determined, eloquent and strikingly intelligent but also completely capable of achieving every anti-immigrant measure which he espouses. Whereas I consider myself somewhat of an advocate for Latinos in KC and I'm kind of a chump.

Thing is . . . Kobach isn't right about everything. He used his credentials as a prof for UMKC to get into the meeting but at every turn a great many of the UMKC officials have assured Latino community leaders that he doesn't speak for the University. He also spoke of a website in which employers could verify that status of "illegals" for employment purposes. Turns out that website specifically says that YOU CANNOT USE THE SERVICE TO SCREEN EMPLOYEES it's merely a way to validate Social Security numbers for tax purposes. If employers did use this service it would not only be a violation of the prospective employees rights but also create a situation where a nickname or misplaced letter would mean that a person (most likely a Latino) didn't get a job because of a simple clerical error which was inappropriately identified as Social Security fraud (a felony). Later on (after pretty much everyone left) Judy Ancel of the UMKC Institute for Labor Studies would remind the panel that labor laws were actually a lot more forgiving than the anti-Mexican rhetoric on every talk show nowadays.

On a final note of things that occurred to me as an alumni - UMKC official Burton Taylor showed up simply to assure the panel that no illegals were getting into this city's college on his watch. When I went to the University, I always wondered why all of my buddies wouldn't even consider going to the place . . . Now I know why. The d-bag actually had the nerve to sit there and talk about what a diverse student body UMKC hosted. He cited the fact that UMKC has 33% minority enrollment without noting that most of those people are very rich Indian, Arab or South American students who don't represent Kansas City at all. The Blacks in town mostly go to CMSU if they are smart enough to get out of our shitty KC high schools and are good at dodging bullets. Whereas most Latinos in this city don't graduate from high school, the ones that do will steal from their Grandma in order to go to Rockhurst because UMKC does nothing to entice, recruit, engage or represent them. Laughably, Taylor touted a 5% enrollment figure for Latinos in this year's Freshman class. That's not only lower than KC's current Latino population and well below national numbers but it's also hilarious because we all know that - in general - half the people who start college don't finish . . . The guy was digging deep but the fact remains that UMKC is an institution that does absolutely nothing for the local Latino community and I can say this from first hand experience as a graduate of the place and having witnessed one hollow PR gesture after the next.

Finally, my last thought is simple:

The people of rural Missouri can go fuck themselves.

Kansas City has nothing in common with these hillbillies.

I know these dumbass politicians with their simple and cruel solutions (put everybody on trains headed south) were elected by people even dumber than them.

What Corwin eluded to isn't understood by white people from inside the state, many of which are merely one or two generations removed from people who went barefoot and screwed their sister.

How do you tell who is illegal?

These people were advocating was stopping every Mexican looking person the police come in contact with and asking them for their papers. This means that if what they're talking about goes through - at first contact it's presumed that simply because I have dark hair and a goatee that I'm a suspect of a crime and should be booted out of the country.

Having the local cops act as immigration agents would sanction racial profiling against every Latino person in the state and there are quite a few of us who are, in fact, citizens.

Frankly, I'm starting to be a lot less concerned with the plight of immigrants and more with saving my own skin. The anti-immigration movement is getting so harsh in this state that efforts are underway to ensure that simply because I'm Latino I have to prove my citizenship at every turn. These kind of laws won't be applied to everyone, in the same way that white people can't stop complaining about being treated like Arabs when they have to take their shoes off at airports. Slowly but surely this podunk state is sending the signal that no brown folks are welcomed within its borders and that we're all to be treated as criminals first until we prove otherwise.

Now, I know that a lot of the things that I've written in this post are offensive, misguided and hurtful . . . I won't apologize, all I'm doing is returning the favor to the majority of you who have shown absolutely no concern for the many legal Latino citizens in this country in your vigor to seek reprisals against the so-called illegals who have done nothing but taken the low-wage employment that employers in this country have so readily offered them. How does it feel?

Tony need sleep



Actually, I'm good but I slept-in today because I was up all night trying to straighten out the bad satellite signal for the porn that I have constantly piped into my mom's basement. I just didn't want anybody to think I was slacking off from this blog too much lately.

More links and lies to come . . .

I should do it like the local news so here are some teasers:

Will your baby die in its sleep tonight? Read TKC later today!

Next on TKC . . . Something inside your house that could be killing you.

Later, Tony will tell you how everyone is getting rich but you.

Kay Barnes . . . The silent killer. Stay tuned to TKC for all the details.

Finally, later on TKC will show you a flying monkey, some broad with huge boobs and traffic on the 9's.

Anyway, I should be posting later on today if that kinda thing is your bag baby.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Riverdance returns to Kansas City

Here's what two local Irishmen have to say about the subject that could be the worst thing to happen to Irish culture since the great potato famine.

Riverdance in KC

Riverdance & Rain Reviewed

As always, TKC likes to note that this blog is a fan of the Irish not only because of a kindred spirit of alcoholism that pervades both of our cultures but also because they're all pretty much immigrants as well.

Also, we all love Kathy Ireland:



Yeah, I'll be damned if I post a photo of Riverdancing fools before I can grab a shot of my beautiful Sports Illustrated snowflake.

The Kansas City Ballet in the Park

One of the most ghey activities you can undertake in a local park (other than Capoeira or a drum circle) without needing a condom. Serious no homo for making this joke but I walk in local parks a lot and strangely I think the nasty, illicit ghey sex was less bothersome to a passerby than all of the hippies begging for attention.

Kansans in favor of killing



Here is yet another example of Kansans acting very Christian. It seems that a recent Kansas Death Penalty ruling and its possible reinstatement just might provide a boost to Attorney General Phill Kline's election hopes. It's good to know we may have our differences over the origin of man, literature as obscenity and religion in public schools but we can all support state sanctioned killing. Never mind that The Big JC was one of the more famous victims of capital punishment, killing people locked up in cages is an issue that draws a wide base of support.

Additionally, many political pundits think that Kline's political rival Johnson County District Attorney Paul Morrison might get some support from the ruling as well. I won't presume to know what the hell Jesus would do about this but I will note that garnering favor from a blood thirsty mob is far more useful than actually practicing the religion so many Kansans claim to accept.

State To Include Ads In Vehicle Registration Notices

"Hey don't forget to register your car. And did you know that Dr. Dan's boner juice will make your wife happy again?"

Prominent Judge Cordell Meeks Dies At 63



Take a look at the guy's impressive accomplishments in all the recent articles mentioning his death. Also, did you know they "they're trying to take away the black man's right to vote!" and not just confining their (read: rich white people) bitching to affirmative action.

"A Nation of Wimps"

An insightful post by the Whole Wheat Bagel makes a great point about the power of play.

"Replace the Creationists on the Board of Ed!"

Another highly evolved post from Kansas blogger Josh Rosenau. Once again, he offers evidence, supporting data and meticulous study to back up his point. Sadly, most people only need to hear that Jesus wants them to vote a certain way in order to take action.

Wi-Fi at KCI

Flying like an eagle into the future KC puts itself on par with the wireless Internet access offered by other major cities . . . Two years ago. Check out this link for more hotspots that are actually useful and don't include blonde bar skanks.

Local blogger gives this town the boot



I've always admired people who pull themselves up by the bootstraps and obviously this local blogger isn't letting an injury keep her down. With a smart handbag and good attitude she's still running all over KC and documenting her adventures. Read on.

"Me and Clay Chastain"

I couldn't have said it any better than the X-man: "Will it never end?!? Jesus H. Christ on a crutch!! Haven't we been through enough with this guy?"

KC is on acid



KC Firefighters in hazmat suits contained a 300-gallon spill of hydrochloric acid yesterday.

Actually, hydrochloric acid isn't as fun as it sounds. It probably won't cause cool flashbacks but it might lead to the realization that this town is far behind the curve in enforcing environmental regulations.

The Pitch will get you fired

Apparently, massacring unborn babies is cool but smoking pot is a big no-no for the folks at Planned Parenthood. The Pitch reports the one of the minor subjects in their story about marijuana decriminalization advocates was recently canned over the article by the same people who should know a little bit about bad choices.

Terror alert in KC

Hey, one of my favorite blogs "Happy in Bag" is this week's Net Prophet in The Pitch and that makes me happy.

Craigslist is killing me



Many thanks to a tipster who noticed that neither jail nor accusations of aggravated assault (murder maybe?) in a gruesome threeway caught on videotape can keep Richard D. Davis from looking for a little "comfort" online. That's right, (although it may be a fake) Davis is still looking for some love from the ladies as he (or someone with a twisted sense of humor like myself) recently placed this ad:
I am Human

I am human and need to hear from anyone who can be a spiritual advisor, of legal assistance or just a friend to me. Can not and will not talk about legal issues. The media made me differently then who I am and what actually happened. I appreciate it. Richard D. Davis
That's sweet and I've heard that the soft sell is much more reliable when trying to lure women with a personal ad. Also, it might be worth mentioning something about Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Viva la Distraction



Tomorrow is a somewhat big showdown day for Immigration in KC. Krazy Kris Kobach decided to show up after all to badmouth Mexican people in a predominantly Latino neighborhood. Hard to believe anybody could take him seriously as professor or as a political candidate seeing that rising taxes, continuing sprawl and increasing crime are at the center of discussion when it comes to JoCo politics while he continuously pursues Mexicans as a political scapegoat with an issue that ruffles a lot of feathers but seems to (thankfully) stir few votes from people in the Golden Ghetto. And, as always, let's not even mention the war the U.S. is losing, the sorry state of health care in this country, global warming, peak oil, Chinese toddlers making tennis shoes or any of the horrible suffering of the damn 3rd world darkies.

Out of touch doesn't even begin to describe it. Here is a 6'5 white guy who seems to be desperately afraid of all of the short, brown people in his neighborhood who serve mainly to drive costs (and wages) down, serve food and mow lawns.

Anyway, here is tomorrow's agenda that a few people have already forwarded my way:

Special Committee on Immigration Reform

Agenda for June 29, 2006

Kansas City, MO

Penn Valley Campus

10:00 -– 10:30 Gilbert Guerrero -– Guadalupe Centers

10:30 -11:00 Steve Begshaw -– Home Builders

11:00 -– 11:30 James Corwin -– Police Chief in KC

11:30 -– 12:00 Kris Kobach -– UMKC School of Law

12:00 -– 12:30 Lunch (Note from Tony: If anybody has a sense of humor at all they'll go get some burritos from one of the many nearby places staffed completely by mojados.)

12:30 -– 1:00 Judy Ancel -– UMKC/Institute for Labor Studies/Peter Coyle -– Carpenters Union (they will speak 5 minutes)

1:00 -– 1:30 Jim Stoufer -– President of UAW Local 249

1:30 -– 2:00 Duane Kelly, retired teacher/Board of Education

2:00 -– 2:30 Burton Taylor -– UMKC Director

2:30 -– 3:00 Manuel Perez/KCMO Health Department

3:00 -– 3:30 Dr. Dan Doerhoff, Eastland Superintendent

3:30 -– 4:00 Brenda Mitchelson -– LINC-Local Investment Commission

4:30 -– 5:00 Rita Valenciano, President of the Coalition of Hispanic Organizations

Bank Guard Charged In Shooting

Nobody knows why the guy opened fire but this is yet example of a costly penalty for early withdrawal.

Is this the beginning of light rail in KC without annoying ass Chastain?



The KC Biz Journal reports that Gov. Matt Blunt signed a bill Wednesday that authorizes six Missouri counties to proceed with plans for a regional transit system. The bill authorizes the creation of a commission to plan and identify beneficial regional transit programs, which could include rapid bus lines or light rail service. Makes sense, I guess even though I'll be retired by the time they break ground. Also, I don't see them mentioning anything about JoCo but that figures because those people will hop a real train to Utah before they give a dime to help this town's minorities earn a buck without a wallet busting commute.

Final thought: Strange that after all these years, Chastain was probably proven right because gas prices aren't going down, the war in Iraq is pretty much lost and the local bus lines are only useful to white hipsters on vacation. Still, the dude is annoying as all hell even if he has a point. Very much like a beautiful woman with an education or a one-armed juggler.

Party on KC



First of all, thanks to everyone who wished me a happy B-day!

I've never been a big fan of birthdays because I've known since I was about 8 that eventually they would run out.

However, I'm in a pretty great mood today. This isn't one of those miserable blogger posts where the author (usually a woman) wants you to cheer her up. I'm 32 today and I feel lucky for all of the awesome people in my life, the fact that I don't have to "submit" to a local media conglomerate in order to have my (silly) opinions about life in this town read and that fate/God/chance/superior U.S. weapons technology has served to keep the devastating and horrible tribulations that have fallen upon the vast majority of all the other darkies in rest of the world away from me . . . So far.

In terms of Kansas City, we've had so many meaningless celebrations and occasions in this town that it's hard to count. We're constantly bombarded vigils, weddings, grand openings and press conferences that it's hard to determine what's important. Certainly, politicos would have you think that a week's worth of basketball games and a paltry $15 million is enough to justify nearly $300 million worth of public spending of which none will go to local minorities or much less importantly . . . Local artists.

Still, there is a lot to truly celebrate in this town and that's not even counting the fact that term limits have kept Country Club Kay from plunging this city further into debt. Kansas City is a great place and year after year I've never regretted calling the dump my home. All joking aside, I've always wanted to consider myself a grateful person. So on this day, I'm celebrating all of you folks who are good enough to read this blog along with the breaking of a condom, somebody playing games with a pill and the cheap beer and good music which brought me into this world.

"What You'll Need to Vote August 8"

New Missouri law has taken effect in order ensure that Seniors and Mexicans can't vote. The idea isn't half bad and I guess it's good to give the people something to do while Diebold casts their ballots for them.

The Red Barn at the KC Zoo will open Thursday

Now that's gotta be worth a sizable chunk of the $30 million (and counting) that this town's favorite money pit owes the people of Kansas City.

A boozy trip down memory lane or KC club carnage

The Hurricane is just the latest beloved bar to meet an untimely demise in this city. Happy in Bag provides an excellent rundown of old KC clubs that are no more. Otherwise known as "where your parents went to get VD."

200-million dollar Bloch Building will open to the public on June 16, 2007

We're all waiting to see what the Butler Building looks like on the inside. So far, what we haven't seen has been the selling point for the new addition. As usual, the only honest commentary will come from the Internet and the few people in this town who aren't on the payroll of the muckety-mucks who will destroy you if you don't embrace their bad ideas.

"You can die of encouragement in this town"



The Kauffman Foundation is giving away $35 million to selected U.S. colleges and universities millions of dollars to encourage entrepreneurial education.

Meanwhile the only business this town really cares about is real estate speculation (read: lofts & condos) and the many desires and demands of our billionaire sports franchise owners. Sadly, those investments don't seem to be panning out. We're right in the middle of yet another disastrous Royals season and there is also ever increasing prospect that the greater fool has already purchased his last downtown loft. Still, I guess you can't blame people in this town for selling their neighborhoods and infrastructure for pipe dreams. We're the same community that once hosted Todd Blackledge after all.

"I deserve what I am getting"

An "Angel" is dispatched to whatever superstition you happen to believe in this week. A local blogger provides a great post of a crazy-ass Latino getting the kind of deportation that many of you people really had in mind.

The bridge so far

I have absolutely no f-ing clue why so many white people in this town are excited about the dumbass bridge linking Union Station and the crossroads. So many millions for a project that may get a little bit of traffic on the first Friday of every month. So glad that KC could finance yet another attraction for JoCo interlopers.

Accused Grandmother Commits Suicide

Sad story, nothing really funny about it other than the fact that my Grandmother routinely threatened to kill me during my formative years and always followed up the statement by saying that she wouldn't ever feel guilty about it.

Town Topics: Here are some links you filthy animal



Bobcat Spotted Near Community College
- Just like me, he was probably thinking about taking a few computer science courses and didn't want to spend his whole summer tearing the heads off bunnies.

Hickman Mills Reports School Break-Ins
- Probably just vandalism but who knows, maybe local illegals are that desperate to get into schools without risking deportation.

Bush To Visit Missouri
- A clear sign that Talent is in trouble. Talk about sending a wolf in to guard the hen house. As of now the only help Bush can give is to share sinking poll numbers and losing strategy.

Legislators Help Pets in Disasters
- Probably much more satisfying than helping minorities. Animals have a lot of trouble using credit cards.

MoDOT's Online Map Shows Live Work Zones Across Missouri
- See workers in their natural habitat. Spy on the state since they are probably returning the favor.

We don't take kindly to . . .



Suburban bliss is about more than keeping sexual predators out of your neck of the woods. A recent report reveals that pervs aren't the only thing they're trying to keep out of the suburbs.

Fireworks Are Not Allowed in Lenexa


Rumor has it that a few people are trying to see what they can do about getting Mexicans, poor people, gheys, minorities, gypsies and Democrats reclassified as fireworks.

Traffic tickets are nothing but robbery



Okay, I'm sure this recent case of a former member of the KCPD pleading guilty to a pay scam has nothing to do with rampant corruption or injustice or whatever but it's just another sign to me that most auto related citations are nothing more than on-the-spot taxation. That kind of public rip-off is guaranteed to tickle down to the people who have to enforce it and this isn't the first instance of a traffic cop gone bad. Anybody remember Mershon Pope? The Mexicans do.

Not only do I think that most traffic stops are simply part of a money making operation and do little to facilitate public safety but it's strange to see the local media treat Chief Corwin with kid gloves. He's no longer a rookie and a few recent cases of corruption seem to be the beginning of a pattern. Yes, the instances were prosecuted and seem to be dealt with in the best way possible but as summer violence in this town predictably mounts it's time the local media start asking some tougher questions of local leaders and Chief Corwin is as good of a place to start as any.

Getting Head in KC



Channel 9 reports that 2 men were shot in the head At 19th and Cleveland recently. Local pundits have stopped talking about murder rates and crime in KC because of an early year slump in the numbers, so I'd just like to advise everybody to stop thinking about local violence because it's bound to give you a headache.

Man, oh, man



Generally, I'm not big on the whole "act like a man" vibe because anything less than acting natural to me is more work than I think strangers are worth.

From time to time, I'll rock the pink shirt, pink bunny slippers and I listen to Barbara Streisand not because I want anything at all to do with man ass but because she has some serious pipes and anyone who can overcome that nose definitely has a few insights I'd like to hear.

Soooooooo, I've never been an advocate of the whole "macho" thing as it is interpreted by the Americans. For Latinos, Machismo is another story entirely because I've always believed it was not about poserdom but more of an excuse to engage in drunken singing, domestic abuse, picking on something smaller than you and all sorts of fun activities that need some kind of justification that doesn't rely on logic.

But the actions of men don't exist in a vacuum (unless we're talking about something entirely more disgusting). Women are bound to have opinions . . . They always do.

Recently, I was impressed with a post by a local nurse and blogger regarding her training and a few observations about squandered manhood.
In one instance, I had to stand across from this ridiculously hot guy, who was notoriously gay, and hold his hands while we just stared at each other.

He cried, and all I could think was, "What a waste."
That's harsh but it's real.

What's more, another local blogger rightfully points out the many ways in which we aren't preparing kids for life in the real world. Death's Door brilliantly observes so many ways that schools fail the teach children important things:

To me this is just another example of the pussification of America.

This all boils down to basically one question: What does it mean to be a man in this society? Fight Club was an excellent examination of this subject barring the laughable premise that white guys can fight. Both the book and the movie attempted to define the role of men in post-modern America, but the lead character was horribly cast with Brad Pitt - who signifies nothing more than the fact that the white man's burden now involves maintaining washboard abs and carrying around a ridiculous amount of brown kids in order to bang one of the hottest broads on the planet.

I've always thought that a great deal of manhood lies in overcoming fear and I'm proud to know that I no longer share the fear of every white guy in this country that the darkies are coming to steal my cheese. Still, I realize that women overcome their fears (cooking, cleaning and laziness during sex) as well. So, I won't presume to know what manhood really means yet but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with not caring about ghey posts like this one . . .

Blogger Backtalk: Local bloggers are my heroes



I saved a kid from drowning yesterday.
- Local bloggers save lives! Just yesterday I decided not to run down an old lady crossing the street.

jasonpreu.com Presents: Rap Music History #12
- Stay in school kids and let JDoubleP school ya.

There will come a great KA-BOOM...
- Toast teaches you exactly how to play with fireworks so they won't call you stumpy as an old man.

"Superman Returns is a . . ."
- Super spoilers from this super blogger. "Son of Jor-El kneel before Zod" just might be the gheyest line ever in a superhero movie other than any dialogue between Batman and Robin.

The passing of a good friend
- This local blogger has my deepest sympathy and I think this post was so touching and heartwarming that I would dare not mock his pain. Here are a few words of comfort that I think are appropriate: "Between grief and nothing I will take grief." Also . . . "Man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live, an is full of misery. He cometh up and is cut down like a flower; he flieth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay." I feel your pain.

3 Follow-up Reasons Why the World Cup Stacks Up Against the NFL.
- Great post and great reasons but the international love of soccer and the fact that Americans for the most part could care less is probably one of the reasons that terrorists hate us and why most of us could care less. God Bless Brian Urlacher.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

KCK man may have been running a prostitution ring out an apartment building for developmentally disabled people

Obviously, pimpin' ain't easy and sometimes it's downright mentally challenging.

Turnabout is (not) fair play



A puppy was found hanging from a tree in Kansas City today. Officials suspect animal cruelty and overlook the possibility of a kitty taking its revenge for years of stereotyping.

Egg Attack Hurts Motorcyclist

This seems funny at first but it's actually pretty mean. The guy's eye might be damaged because Leawood jerks think your pain is hilarious and take the "drive-by" to the ultimate suburban level. Also, I'm pretty sure that this is why the Hells Angels carried guns other than the whole drug dealing, ass kicking thing.

Winning the War on Terror Mexicans Bloggers



I bet you didn't know this but bloggers are the latest threat to our nation's security given the fact that the archives of one of the best blogs in town has been has been pretty much confiscated by The Department of Homeland Security.

I've always compared to The War on Terror to the Cold War and the Red Scare but instead of persecuting Jews and liberals this latest war attempts to frighten us all do death and offers yet another excuse to treat all brown people like criminals. Good enough, but it seems that local blogger Brad is claiming that not even the archives of bloggers who want to document mainly party pics of various hot women are safe from suspicion. And the funny thing is . . . Brad's blog seems to be just the kind of thing that the U.S. is fighting for . . . Seriously, if there is anything that makes me feel great about being a citizen of this country it's reading about Brad's various adventures and his life that's much more exciting than mine.

Certainly, I don't wanna piss off any government officials and I hope the my archives don't disappear any time soon like Jimmy Hoffa or Che fighting in the Bolivian jungle. But this story certainly provides an example that heightened security and fear have an effect on us all . . . From the shoeless masses frustrated at airport security to the lowly bloggers in Kansas City. Personally, I blame the terrorists who know that if we lose the right to blog, they've won.

Honestly, we're not talking about controversial stories that maybe shouldn't have been published which reveal the investigative methods used to capture terrorists or outing spies because their husbands disagree with White House policy. Instead, this is simply a case when a local blogger has dedicated a lot of time to masterfully documenting his life and providing this city with some amazing content.

Yeah, I'm gonna try to back up my archives to my hard drive as well right now.

Burning for you



Is there an arsonist on the loose in Kansas City? A large number of vacant houses have gone up in flames recently. Too bad most local leaders treat KC neighborhoods with no more regard than tinder if the words loft or condo aren't involved.

If you build it

Legal eagles in Kansas have created a website to provide information about a Kansas City-area home builder who faces fraud charges. In KC we call it the Yellow Pages.

The New Boss

The KC School District finally hired their Puerto Rican candidate for Superintendent. Rumor has it that all 3 of the Latino kids who haven't yet dropped out of KCMO public schools are thrilled. Let's see if the welcome wears out before the beginning of the school year.

Life and Death and Prison Bitches



I don't have anything poignant to say about the death penalty. I'll simply note that it's confusing that while death penalty is pretty much restored in Kansas in Missouri the Show-Me state is having a hard time showing two convicted killers the door to whatever fate awaits them or not.

What I will note is that the death penalty is one of those instances where being poor and white really sucks. . . It's almost as bad as the latest Toby Keith release. Almost without exception, rich white people never face justice for their actions. Instead, they get short sentences in cushy prisons or really great deals on stock options.

And don't even mention the word "closure" to me. By far, that term is one of the stupidest things I've heard since I discovered that long ago people actually trusted white guys.

People are killed everyday for mostly stupid reasons so I wouldn't say that I'm appalled by the death penalty. What astonishes me is that a conservative would readily give power over life and death to a state bureaucracy or that liberals would campaign harder to massacre a few babies rather than work against putting people down like they were puppies.

Additionally, there's just something wrong about lethal injection. It's too clean and too closely resembles the way that most hospitals kill the elderly. Firing squad seems like the only honest and humane method of execution to me and not just because I always liked that skit on "You can't do that on television."

Hot Mama Makes Me Wanna Read



We all know that once a woman pushes out a few rug rats her body will never be the same. Malena Lott may be the exception to that rule because she is definitely a MILF who also turns out to be a decent writer.

Her debut novel is entitled The Stork Reality and follows the nine months of an overworked ad exec's journey to motherhood. It seems to have collected good reviews even though I think the new fangled genre called "mom-lit" should really only consist of grocery lists casserole recipes.

Anyway, Lott will be in Kansas City on Sunday, July 2 at 2 p.m. At the Borders on 91st and Metcalf in Overland Park. She's giving away a free journal for first five guests along with holding some kind of sweepstakes. And I bet if you mention this blog you'll get a dirty look.

Now, since Lott is sharing some of her insights regarding motherhood with her fiction. I'd like to present these facts about pregnant women and new mothers for your edification:

5. Mainly white women want to kill their kids. Okay, the darkies will murder their children through neglect but Munchenhausen by proxy seems to me to be a syndrome which only strikes middle-class white women with a lot of issues and too much time, money and attention at their disposal.

4. I had my nose broken when I was a kid and it has never been the same. I don't know what kind of damage squeezing out a 10 pound baby will do to a cooter. And I don't want to know. Ever. Meat curtains will never adorn my home/mom's basement.

3. Pregnancy = Meal ticket for most all women this side of Angelina Jolie.

2. Now this is just me but I've never agreed that all pregnant women are beautiful. In fact, I've regarded all pregnant women as sluts because you know exactly what they've been doing. Looking at a pregnant woman is like watching somebody right after they've had a practical joke played on them. Dumb look and all.

1. Sex with a woman who has children is every bit as boring as it sounds.

So, it's cool that a new novelist is coming and her book and subsequent signing at Borders seem far more interesting than real life with children in KC.

Which Way Will Wicked Bitch Witch Vote?



Like all witches, I'm not sure that Claire McCaskill has a soul. Okay, maybe not, I'm sure she has a soul but she's also unpredictable, temperamental, inconsistent and careless like most bitches, witches, women in public office.

It's not like a I care at all about flag burning or that Democratic Senate candidate Claire McCaskill recently said she would support the amendment to ban flag burning being considered in the U.S. Senate.

What's important to me is that McCaskill is trying to work her magic on what she obviously considers to be the dumbass conservatives of this state who would probably support something like this but probably won't be impressed with her support of other liberal causes like gay marriage.

Personally, I could care less if two gheys were having ghey sex on a burning American flag (actually if it was a lesbian scene that could be kinda hot) but the scary thing is that people are actually out there pushing these meaningless issues while this country is losing a war, the economy is continually faltering for the middle and working class and Mexicans are running around with impunity. Well, that last part doesn't really bother me that much but you know what I mean.

Student Body



I want all of you kids out there to stay healthy. A student wellness initiative aimed at helping local school districts develop and implement policies to promote better nutrition, fitness and health among Missouri schoolchildren proves that Baby Blunt cares about the kiddies as well . . . As long as they aren't on Medicare.

In other health related news, today is National HIV testing day and that means that today the day of the big test for many people. Regardless of the results, it's always a good idea to stay away from all kinds of hookahs.

The smell of disaster in the morning



Sorry if this photo is too pervy for your place of business but it's burned into the frontal lobes of my brain. And even if it's not appropriate, it's still fitting for the story of a recent disaster in (somewhat) nearby Clinton, MO. So far only one person Nobody has turned up dead yet . . . Sorry local news.

In our own neck of the woods, the body count continues to rise only a few hours after the first day of summer.

Last night an accused carjacker was shot to death at a car wash. And a man charged with slaying his grandmother is still on the run from the cops and probably a few sympathetic broads with walkers.

Clerks in KC



I'm a lucky man because when Sheri and I hang out every weekend it's a lot like the movie Clerks only with less bitching and less hermaphroditic porn (life is give and take).

Anyway, both of us are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Clerks 2 so badly that we've started to cuss even more than usual - which is a lot.

Thankfully, this local blogger keeps us all in the know and actually captures Dante & Randall in the flesh in this amazing post which features fresh photos from their Screenland appearance.

Blogger Backtalk: Bites you in the ass



The stupidity of anti-pit-bull measures
- Awesome post. For further reading, check out a somewhat recent article in which hipster intellectual and token Black guy at The New Yorker Malcolm Gladwell points out that the treatment of brown people (like Arabs) in the War on Terror and the instances of biting attacks by pit bulls are somewhat (not really) related. It's a think piece with a lot of stupid conclusions. Also, Blink was a waste of 22 bucks.

I think we broke her
- The turned out the Hurricane in grand fashion. See the photos for yourself.

Kansas City's Shakespeare festival does all the little things right.
- Juggling and Bad British accents make this blogger happy.

Urban Walk 5: 435 to 435
- Great post that makes me tired even thinking of the walk this guy documents. Note: On a busy traffic day the time walking and driving to the same points is nearly the same.

Have you happened to see the Taylor Hicks spots for the Midwest Ford Dealers?
- Advertisers think everyone in the Midwest is stupid. American Idol voters proved them right. Luckily, failing American auto industry should teach them to think again.

Kansas Death Penalty upheld
- Killer new spectator sport soon to get underway in Kansas. It takes a while but there are a lot less left turns to endure and there is a much less creepy vibe then at Kansas Speedway. However, spectators show up to watch somebody die just like the fans at the popular track.

TKC Ketchup: Tastes like Ass



It's good to be back my friends, d-bags and other enemies who clandestinely read this blog. I'm glad a few of you wondered about my absence but the truth is that I could disappear off the face of the planet and The Star, The Pitch or some other corporate entity could probably find some Mexican do to this thing for cheap. But it still wouldn't be the same.

Somebody smarter than me said something important that I didn't forget, I think it was the guy who invented RSS and he was speaking about bloggers in relation to the mainstream media and what he said was basically this (paraphrasing): The root of the word amateur is love. No matter how many mainstream media outlets fuck with me I have to remind myself that none of them would do their job for free. Now, I don't liken this blog to a job (because I don't suck at it) but I will say that I'm better than all but 2 of the columnists at The Star and I won't compare myself to anybody at The Pitch because I fear that close contact will cause a rash.

Still, I don't want you to think that I took off for any reason in particular. I once heard a really cool guy say this to someone else and I do believe it's the most satisfying phrase you can utter in English. Here it is:

"I don't owe you a fucking thing."

Ah, that's nice but I love, like, respect, enjoy all of you peeps coming to this little hell hole on the web and I don't want to disappoint to often so you can take your pick of the following reasons I didn't post yesterday. They're all pretty much true:

1. Sleeping
2. Working on a paying gig.
3. Crying while eating
4. Blogging under a pseudonym: "Mr. Happy Pants" over at a Star Trek/Kay Barnes erotica site. We all pretend she's Captain Kathryn Janeway and then we take turns making up freaky alien gangbang stories.
5. Leaking details about global banking information and the War on Terrorism.

Sooo, it was good to take a day off and reset. And now I'm back, I'm 1/32nd Black (true) and I'm mad.

Here's a few of the links I read but missed:

Gates Foundation Helps KC School
-A lot of the money is going to the new Cristo Rey School in town. Good news that Bill loves Mexicans more than local conservatives or the KCMO School District.

Court Reinstates Internet Sex Conviction
- Pervs and cops talk dirty to each other in order to help the babies.

Poll: McCaskill Leading Talent For Senate Seat
- Local blogger Dan has the most intelligent opinion about Talent in a recent post. However, I can't say that Claire doesn't scare me as well. Strange how a wicked witch just might be the lesser of two evils.

UMKC Group Reports Parkinson's Breakthrough
- Does not involve using them to mix drinks at local bars.

Security Guard Shoots Man Inside KCK Bank
- The guy he shot didn't have a gun and reportedly wasn't going to rob the bank. Rent-a-cops shouldn't make anybody feel safe.

Man, Woman Accused in Double Shooting

Web Site With Death Records Gets 1 Million Hits
- Appetite for German porn reaches new low.

Teen Mom Slain by Girlfriend, 16
- Another episode of "When Keeping it Real goes wrong" that Dave Chappelle should have recorded if the Tall Israelis weren't too busy selling him out and keeping him down.

Supreme Court Rules Kansas Death Penalty Law Constitutional
- Jesus hates evolution, apparently doesn't mind killing poor people.

Plan For Red-Light Cameras Moves Forward
- Insurance companies, domestic spying advocates and a city that won't tax condo dwellers but would love to raise the levy on people trying to get to work . . . Well, they're all in favor of keeping an eye on you. Big Brother needs a buck.

KC man charged with sex trafficking involving three minors
Attention liberals and hip-hop fans. This article clearly illustrates why the term "pimp" will never have a truly cheery connotation.

Missouri has a long history of horrible politicos
- It's the truth not the news. Those words are rarely in the same sentence.

Jerkoff who wants to sell a shirt thinks I'm stupid but I'm gonna give him a link even though I think he just called me a wetback.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

TKC banned in Johnson County



Sorry if this blog is publishing way too many self-referential posts but I'm feeling lazy today and I thought this was funny. Many thanks to a tipster who sent me the following:

I found this morning that TKC.com was blocked by the (JoCo) library's filtering system under the reason of "pornography".

Nice! And I thought it was obscene that so many white people live in one spot and try and kid themselves into the fact that at least one of the reasons isn't to avoid the minorities people of color good dancers darkies.

Anyway, since rumor has it among all the brown people in KC proper that white welfare ensures that every Caucasian in JoCo is awarded a car, Ipod, and a laptop with a free roaming, high speed, satellite Internet connection I guess this isn't a big deal. Also, I've found that white people are always in need of a little abuse and so many people hit this blog from the Golden Ghetto despite what a few librarians don't want them to see. Sooooooooooooooo, thank you people of JoCo for visiting me even though I'm really not that well spoken and there's little chance that I'll bus one of your tables anytime soon.

That's all I'm gonna post this weekend because I'm lazy . . . That hasn't changed for more than 20 years but . . . Nevermind. Thanks for reading this week folks. Have a fun and safe Saturday Night. Give your mother a kiss for me.

Friday, June 23, 2006

This is how you can tell The Pitch is losing its edge and scared



Here are some alternative titles of this post:

The Pitch Just Called Me a Wetback

Pitch Bitches

He'll be bragging about this to his boyfriend all night

Nadia Pflaum can't stop thinking about me

Angry hipsters make my dick laugh

D-bag Jason Harper or some d-bag pretending to be Jason Harper (only slightly better) got his panties in a bunch over my brilliant comments regarding how The Pitch is becoming irrelevant in many ways and only one of which involves the burgeoning blogosphere.

Anyway, the comment was pretty amazing and 83% true so I decided to feature it for your reading pleasure.

I guess this means the folks at The Pitch read this blog so you should too.

Here it is, for extra fun you should read it aloud doing your best Keanu Reeves impersonation:

Your mind is a bloated, decaying testicle, Tony. Nadia's gender, race or hipster cred have no real bearing on her writing of this music story -- which is just what it is, not a sociopolitical whatthefuckever. Your recourse to distorted stereotypes is reminiscent of a demented old woman who sits on her porch barking about those evil hook-nosed Jews who want to take away her jewels. And what do you know about the world thirteen years ago? You say: "This kind of article reeks of 1993 and it has tacit liberal racism and goofy hipster elitism written all over it." Nice job of aping every low-rent conservative radio loudmouth in the country. In 1993, you were whacking off to scrambled porn in your parents' living room in the dark of night (good thing you have a computer and an independent residence now), and your tacit, or rather explicit -- racism and misogyny, which, being so utterly witless, come across completely limp-dick, do nothing to alter the fact that this kind of story is wholly beneficial to our local hip-hop scene, of which you remain as willfully ignorant as the whitest rich bastard in Leawood.

Your fear of hipsters is hilarious, as is the chip on your shoulder about being a well-known blogger whom the mainstream media ignores. If you're so proud of yourself for being a part of what you might call the real alternative media, then why don't you concentrate on actually providing people with some kind of intelligent insight rather than sophomoric, ineffectual dick waving and bitchery? My challenge to you is to actually go out and try to have a good time in this town. Go see a couple of good local bands and write about the experience. I know that's a daunting proposition, what with all those terrifying hipsters running loose out there, snatching purses, strangling children and coming up behind people to rub expensive pomade into their hair, but I think you'll survive. Sitting around keeping track of the news through local TV web sites, filtering it through your nut-stroking philosophy and adorning it with softcore porn is turning you into a festering, gooey ball of hatred and ignorance. Get out and have some fun once in awhile for Christ's sake.

*******

And scene . . .

The comment was well written and ghey so I'm pretty sure it does come from The Pitch. As for the tip, everybody knows that you shouldn't take advice from your competition. And now every local blogger should know that The Pitch is scared of you taking away their readership and consequently their revenue from escort and phone sex ads.

If there was any justice in this world



Toby Young's husband has recently filed for divorce. While I don't like to take joy in anyone's misery (heh) I think this is hilarious and proves once again that any middle aged white woman desperately in search of romance will end up alone and in dire circumstances. During the whole jail break fiasco I always wondered what the guy was thinking and the press mercifully didn't press the issue but this news provides a direct answer to all of Young's friends who took to the Internet in order to plead her innocence during her illicit tryst.

We talk about heroes a lot in this society and we rarely mention the things that people don't do which make them heroic. Such as: Young's husband has shown amazing restraint by not simply waiting till the broad got out of jail (short time for white people always) and then putting his shoe on her in such a manner that it would make Ike Turner wince. I'm not advocating abuse but you can only embarrass a person so much until they explode . . . The Iraq war seems to be proof of this concept.

Anyway, best of luck to the guy. Sad thing is there's a slim chance that he could have to pay some alimony in order to detach himself from the dumbest woman in the area. Still, the guy has shown amazing resolve and heroism by simply walking away from a bad situation.

What's the best way to get lit up?



Local dumbass tries to set a cop's house on fire. Possibly in search of free electro shock therapy by way of Taser. Definitely a really bad idea.

How do you want it delivered?



This is not a news source, while I do some reporting (for another publication), I'm not a journalist.

Speaking of . . Here's the latest article I wrote I've written. I took the photos as well, which I'm not good at but I liked the way they turned out:

Mural illustrates expansion of Mattie Rhodes

Anyway, back to business, I might not post anymore today because there's nothing much I have to say about KC right now but I want to talk with you about the future of this blog.

Obviously, I like doing links, I don't feel useful without them but, as I noted previously, this page is not a news source and you would do better to get a feed reader if that's all you want out of this page. My links are mainly a reflection of the stuff that I'm reading. But I'm having trouble with categories and I'd like some suggestions. As of now these are the ways I usually organize the stuff I'm posting:

- Longer rants with titles and photos of barely covered ass and titties.
- Blogger Backtalk - Local bloggers only
- Town Topics/Cowtown Corral/Right Here in River City - Just local links mostly pilfered from Channel 9.
- From The Star - All the links that sit behind the Star's silly registration wall.

I'm thinking of adding:

- Metro Media - Media news and a place where I can make fun of all your favorite dumbass models journalists.
- Giving you the business - Local biz links only interest the 3 or 4 of you who have a job.
- What else I'm reading - Seems insane for me not to put up at least a few general stories.

Anyway, I may not do any of these new categories but I'm asking for your input (NO HOMO).

Also, do you have highspeed? Would you like to see more videos? I've had fun making them but I just wonder how many people are able to view them since KC is somewhat behind on the broadband curve.

I know, in the end it's up to me and I might completely ignore any advice or requests. The great thing about this blog is that I could turn it into a once daily video post of me doing a strip tease in front of the KC skyline if I wanted to. So if you have any suggestions, let me know.

Charlie Wheeler will track you down and kill you for talking/typing shit



Thanks to a tipster for this bit of local news. Apparently, either Doc Wheeler's people have access to The Star's Internet files and (very much like China) know every IP of political dissenters or they have recently proven that they don't know much about the Internet in a recent flame war.

The kind tipster wrote me:

I particularly like wheelerfan's post from June 21st. "Charlie is monitoring and saving all of these posts and thus will be able to track all negative posts about him back to the individuals that wrote them. You have been warned."

Damn, either Doc Wheeler is "with it" and he's making a reference to the last scene in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back OR whoever wrote this is completely out of touch with reality and the fundamental use of the Internet (other than porn).

On the other hand, you could simply write this off as Internet chatter. But just to be on the safe side you might wanna be prepared to die if you dare say anything bad about Charles Wheeler.

Sad News and I'm Feeling Fruity Today (No Homo)



Say what you want bitches but you can't argue with success. Streisand sells tickets and has sold millions of albums.

In other sad news that only marginally involves the Tall Israelis, local blogger Rusty reports that Saturday night is the final night for the Hurricane in Westport as we know it before the new owners come in and morph it into something else.

This is important because Westport, Kansas City, The Westside, The Crossroads and almost everywhere in this town that undergoes redevelopment is quickly taking on the homogenized look of Johnson County . . . Along with the rest of the country. This isn't a new trend but it's has always bothered me that you can almost step out of one Midwestern city and into the next and the same Panera Bread, Starbucks and Chili's will be waiting for you like you never left. I'm not a big fan of bars (too many people and their germs) but I will say that there are many people who will tell you that this place is an institution of the KC late night scene. Also, I'm not afraid of change but it seems as if the building boom and rampant real estate speculation across the metro have caused so many things to change in this city while all of the new developments that arise look strikingly similar.

Not every woman on her knees is praying



Two of my favorite bloggers love the Royals for some reason. I've seen the same behavior from battered women but at least those broads get food and shelter or movie tickets out of the deal. Following the Royals is the worst kind of masochism, it's masochism that involves a baseball bat.
Anyway, the latest sign of hope for the Royals are a few wins they've managed to string together. While these wins are virtually meaningless at least they prove that KC's home team is still in the baseball business and not simply some discount item at Wal-Mart that's just a strange facsimile of what Chinese manufacturers (read: Asian toddlers) think of baseball.

Still, both of these bloggers are amazed that anybody still cares about the Royals in this town. Whereas I am certain that every time the team wins a few games there is talk of a turnaround in exactly the same way that abused women think that "someday he's gonna change" and never realize that they're in for nothing but a continued cycle of disappointment, disrespect, abuse and servitude - And abuse is strictly uncalled for unless a woman specifically requests it.

The Ho of Flowers



If you head east on 31st, past Martini Corner for less than a block you'll see a flower shop. You probably won't notice because you're on your way to the Eastside in order to buy drugs or visit the Black person that you've been secretly humping but that's not really important. What's important is that local blogger Lee recently posted an awesome photo of the place at night time that got me thinking.

Women probably don't like flowers, not that I care but a few things regarding giving flowers as a gift just occurred to me. I've often purchased flowers after I've done something monumentally stupid or failed to do something stupid that I was obligated to do because of a girlfriend. Flowers aren't something I would buy for myself and that means that I'm assuming someone would enjoy something that I find completely useless in very much the same way that I invited my family to my college graduation. However, that's dangerous logic because if that were true I could get away with buying porn and liquor for every special occasion to which I was invited - And now I'm thinking that would get me out of a lot of boring weddings, children's birthday parties and baptisms - but I digress. The point here is that I have rarely enjoyed buying flowers for a woman and that has to mean something other than the fact that I'm a horrible person who bemoans the fact that women are allowed to talk in public.

If I'm buying flowers because I've screwed up, I feel obligated, it's cheaper than a real gift or I'm completely bereft of ideas then that "vibe" is bound to be discerned. Therefore, I am "the Ho of Flowers" just as the sign on 31st and Gillham Road indicates because I'm using flowers for nothing more than a payoff (or not). So from now on, no more flowers for any bitches up to and including my grandma. From now on it's porn, liquor and stolen electronics for everyone that I love.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Spork You



I don't know if the Soul Servers are any good but I have some advice for them: Keep your Myspace page, update your web page more often and please try to stay away from the hipster press.

A recent Pitch profile of the group took place at (get this) a local KFC. I guess Nadia Pflaum's "White Woman must Save the World" instinct didn't kick in because she really should have told the guys that the food served there will kill you faster than a career as a KC rapper.

Anyway, what annoyed me most is the goofy antics of the group which Pflaum delights in retelling. She refers to them as "new-millennium Three Stooges" when she was really thinking Stepin Fetchit times three. (I can read the mind of all white women, ya know)

Again, in the age of blogs, text messaging and boost mobile or whatever there is no reason to rely on a trendy white woman in order to get the word out about your endeavor. This kind of article reeks of 1993 and it has tacit liberal racism and goofy hipster elitism written all over it.

Put simply, it's not a big deal to be featured in the Pitch anymore. Better to speak for yourself than let a white woman do your talking . . . Because, believe me, they won't shut up.

Republican Rundown



The Star did an article examining the Missouri 8th Senate District Race and I think it needs a few revisions. See if you can spot my changes . . . They are very subtle.

MATT BARTLE

Age: 41

Occupation: Lawyer (Make your own hack joke here. All I can say is that people actually marry lawyers and then expect to trust them . . . That's comedy)

Previous elected office: Missouri House, 1999 to 2002; Missouri Senate, 2003 to present. Personal mouthpiece of God 2006.

Campaign emphasis: Crushing your will to live by doing the following . . . Record of fighting pornography, strip clubs and early stem-cell research; sponsored bill that requires DNA testing on all felons.

REED CHAMBERS II

Age: 54

Occupation: General manager and resident, Memorial Park Cemetery, Kansas City, Kan.

Previous elected office: None in Missouri; Republican nominee for state Senate in 1988 and 1992 and for Jackson County executive in 1998.

Campaign emphasis: Block illegal immigration because burritos give him gas, improve emergency services, create jobs and return to electing circuit court judges in Jackson County so that you can have even more people on the ballot of whom you know absolutely nothing.

BOB JOHNSON

Age: 60

Occupation: Home builder OR as we like to call them: Chronically tardy.

Previous elected office: Missouri House, 1973 to 1976 and 2003 to present; Missouri Senate, 1979 to 1993; Lee's Summit Board of Education, 1995 to 1998; Lee's Summit City Council, 1998 to 2000.

Campaign emphasis: Supports research on early stem cells and expansion of life sciences industry; wants limited government that stays out of people's personal lives. Actually, that doesn't sound too bad.

Extra Double Secret School Project



Missouri State University researchers have been tapped for a $10.9 million project to develop anti-terrorism technology that will probably incorporate beer bongs in some fashion.

Also, it's good to know that our nation's security is in the safe confines of a public university. We know there are no terrorists or undesirables lurking around there . . . Also, the students who might help with this projects are the same geeks who play D&D all night so I guess it's somewhat comforting that they are also believe in the validity of the war on Terror right along with all the goofy dragons and wizards garbage.

The Pitch will go to almost any length to avoid writing about TKC



This weak week's Pitch featured an article about some local webpage that photographs nobodies posing at local dives. My eyes have begun to bleed from reading the 3,000 word polemic but from what I gather it's the standard "Ew, this is cool and we found it first" bullshit that hipsters at The Pitch have now taken to routinely turning out in lieu of actually providing an "alternative" to local news. Additionally, the author of the article misses the point: There is only one Jen Chen and she is hot and incredibly talented at making local bar hoppers seem interesting. A photo is worth a thousand words but some amazing writing talent and an interesting perspective is priceless. (Note: WTF? They didn't switch the Nightranger column did they? That was the last thing they had going for them.)

We MISS YOU TONY ORTEGA.

Anyway, personally I'm more of a fan of KCXposed because they have cuter bitches and they seem a little less concerned with posh venues and more into real hot chicks that can display a few stretch marks, bullet holes and pock marks and still manage to look somewhat attractive. However, I have to admit that Reveal magazine has a cool concept and some pretty good shots . . . I don't wanna hate too much on any local webmaster who is trying to bring new content to the scene.

However, for the record this blog and a few other local blogs out there rank much higher than Reveal but so far we've been confined to one section every few months. You can go to Alexa for proof and you you'll find a very funny review of the featured page obviously written by the webmaster:

"This website has historical data showing 250,000 unique visitors and 750,000 hits a month. Alexa bases this service on Alexa Toolbar users, which... Are not that many average people. You can not accurately judge this site from Alexa."

LOL! We've all been there . . . This is the mantra of every webmaster in denial and in desperate need of more hits. Funny how addictive behavior is pretty much the same whether you're talking substance abuse or Internet addiction. The first step is admitting you have a problem . . . Which I do regularly on this blog.

Anyway, The Pitch doesn't like this blog . . . They can join the rest of the corporate media out there who tries to ignore all of the stupid shit I type everyday. You know, I've gotta hand it to KMBZ . . . So far they are the only major media outlet who has dared to speak the name of this blog and the several thousand people who read it weekly. (Note: That makes sense because other than my love of Mexicans and hatred of Haliburton I skew conservative) It warmed my heart that Darla Jaye called me sexist and bigoted and she can take a place along side the several white women whom I've pissed off. (Seriously: She's a good sport and I listen to her show regularly and grit my teeth):



So, The Pitch can continue to dominate the hipster news market for all I care while this blog and so many other bloggers out there like BlogKC, Toast, Three O'Clock in the Morning, Parrish Baker, Gone Mild, General Blather, Whole Wheat Blogger, Pomegranate, Post Human Blues, The X-man, KC Soil, JustCara, TKC Girl, Frighteningly Uncommon Sense and many, many more will provide a true alternative perspective of life in KC.

Local Latina Talks Back



Last night's Talkback Live with Steve Rose was pretty captivating. Community activist Rita Valenciano answered questions about immigration, discrimination and education from a Latina perspective and did a pretty amazing job.

I'm a loyal Talkback viewer and what I liked most about this program is that Rose didn't let Valenciano off the hook because she is an adorable, short Hispanic woman. There was lively exchange of opinion and the callers were hilarious and mostly pissed off at Mexicans.

The program is broadcast again at 10 a.m. on Sunday in case you missed it and somehow manage to wake up early from being hung over.

If you'll allow me a completely biased opinion (as usual), I thought the lady was captivating and provided a fantastic representation of the Latino Community in Kansas City.

From The Star: My thanks to thee fair bitches wenches



Henry V coming to KC
- I don't really have a smart ass remark about this . . . I've always loved this play and the Heart of America Shakespeare Festival. It's one of the best things about this town and I'm actually excited because this is one of my favorite plays or at least the one work of Shakespeare that isn't openly ghey.

50th birthday of the interstate highway system
- Connecting commuters and convicts on the run. Who says white welfare is a bad thing?

Fraud case may end in plea agreement
- Baby got bail.

A man possibly linked to the Alieghya Clark disappearance appears in court in a separate proceeding


Teenage girls learn lessons at firefighting camp
- Thankfully, this is not another exposé of (18+) girls, cameras and mostly married firefighters.

Ugly ass red panda born at the KC Zoo
- City pays for pricey care of what you might otherwise mistake for roadkill.

Rep. Patricia Kilpatrick just lost a job and faces an ethics panel today over campaign violations.
- Reason number #3,428 why you should never vote for women.

"All he has ever known was work," Betty Shrout said. "That was his hobby."
- This is the one of the best obituaries I've ever read. If it doesn't make you think of your father, grandfather or other male figures in your life then you're probably a loser.

Summer homework for nerds kids
- Or phony article intended to make parents forget all of the petty crime and nasty/unsafe things that most kids engage in during the summer while their parents are working.

Much worse than car sickness



At least 54 people who got sick last week taking part in the annual Biking Across Kansas event last week.

It's unclear whether the outbreak was caused by some mystery illness or environmental factors. However, what we do know is that it's hard to save the world powered by nothing but your own hubris and the idea that riding a kid's toy somehow makes you a better person.

Let's Roll



Will the KC Roller Warriors go soft after the pretty great coverage they received in today's Star? I doubt it, those broads are pretty fierce. Still, I liked my story (more than a year ago) better.

What comes around goes around (No Homo)



Dr. Laura Dumped in Kansas City.

This town is getting more gay friendly as we speak. Not that there's anything wrong with that . . .

Will good PR help KC get its shit together?



Four public relations firms are charging the city of Kansas City, Missouri, $2 million to highlight sewer and stormwater projects.

Bottomline Communications (no homo) points out that these are all minority owned firms which may start some shit among people concerned about the exorbitant cost of the campaign for the prospect of the bitches and darkies getting ahead . . . But that is beside the point.

From Emmanuel Cleaver to Mayor Kay this city's leadership has consistently proven itself more adept in running great press conferences rather than actually getting anything tangible accomplished. PR is great and it's where hot, educated, loose women reside but it's no substitute for actually fixing this town's sewers rather than endlessly hyping every small victory this town achieves.

Working with Italian leftovers




An interesting article in the Northeast News discusses the fact that "Local immigrants face more than just citizenship problems." Yeah, like how they can continue to single handedly revitalize Northeast Kansas City after the Italians gave up and moved out of the place while every old white guy in town with anger management issues works to get the Mexicans booted out of the country.

Long ago the Northeast was home to the Italians (read: Mafia) who ran this city but they all either died, were killed, went to jail or moved North of the River (Same thing). Now, the neighborhood consists of mostly Mexicans, Viet Cong, Arabs and Africans and a few very scraggly Meth addled hookers. It's my second favorite place in Kansas City other than the Westside (The Best side! - for real estate speculation). Also, my neighborhood has the distinction of rarely ever hosting the Italians for anything more than collecting payoffs. One Kansas City my ass.

Town Topics: You're just like Crosstown Traffic



Report: Metro Interstates Becoming Congested
- Normally, you'd have to go to a marathon to see this many white people running.

Father Of Teen Killed In Wreck Pushes For Speed Bumps

Major League player David Segui says he started using HGH three years ago with a prescription from his doctor.
- And a doctor would never give out an unnecessary prescription, right? Sure, just ask your Ritalin dependent kid or Rush Limbaugh.

Two More Charged In Slaying Of Pregnant Teen

Ex-Edwardsville Officer Charged With Stealing
- Rural and Suburban cops are every bit as bad as your minority friends tell you.

Single Mother Of 3 Loses Everything In Fire
- TV New teams there just in time to shove a mic in her face and ask how she feels.

Woman Ends Protest On Cell Phone Tower
- This Springfield woman seems crazy but wait until you find out that you have little or no real property rights. Thank you eminent domain.

Possible Plea Deal in Sextuplet Scam
- Baby, I forgive you OR Po' folk plead for mercy.

Hospital Will Show KC's First Live Surgery on Internet
- Watch somebody go "all up in them guts" on the net without being a perv.

One-Man Crime Spree Keeps KCK Police Busy
- Local crook doing his best to challenge stereotypes which claim that criminals are lazy.

Man charged with raping 13-year-old

Gunman Shoots Man During Robbery Attempt at Kansas City Gas Station
- Why should big oil be the only ones allowed to kill the public at the pump?

Dog Left in Hot Car
- I believe this is called pre-heating.

Wright Thompson joins Jeff Passan in leaving KC Star
- I don't really know these guys so I won't call it rats abandoning a sinking ship. However, I will say that if you haven't bothered taking any other precautions . . . Sometimes pulling out is the best thing to do.

Catchy PR in Kansas City



A local syphilis outreach campaign has recently received a national award. The City's website reports that in response to a 300 percent increase in syphilis in a year in the metro, the "Did You Take SyPHILis Home Last Night?" campaign aimed at building awareness for prevention methods, as well as promoting free and confidential syphilis testing and treatment was lauded as a step in the right direction . . . Another step in the right direction would be a step away from causal, unprotected sex with some skanky stranger. But it's all good . . . Except for STD's, those aren't very good.

Here are the top five euphemisms for safer sex that we use in my family:

5. Wrap it up.
4. Wear your raincoat.
3. Use plastic please.
2. "Don't come crying to me when something goes wrong and you get some tramp pregnant or worse. I didn't get to have the fun of screwing her so I don't see why I should have to deal with the consequences. You dumbass."
1. Don't forget to put on your sombrero.

Careful out there kids.

Screw the middleman



A local man was shot during a robbery attempt while he was trying to buy cigarettes.

The assailant probably just wanted to save the guy some time.

Hot Pants



Summer is always hot and stupid in Kansas City. However, between a recent domestic dispute that ended in arson and all of the horrible cases of VD that will usually be transmitted during summer flings . . . This looks like it could be the summer of burning love.

The story of a local man setting fire to his ex-girlfriend's home won't seem too drastic to anyone who has ever really been in love. Let's face it, we've all been there. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time. In retrospect, the only crime is caring that much in the first place. Love stinks . . . Then smokes, and it is usually left in cinders and probably poses a risk of jail time as well.

Live the Dream



In a movie that was otherwise pretty horrible there was a pretty good scene that reminded me of a recent story about a local 10 year-old who was reportedly held underwater by a stranger.

Thankfully, the kid wasn't killed or anything, but it's still a pretty hilarious scary story.

Blogger Backtalk: Beer is love and other truisms



Bloggers love beer
- This is not news . . . This is the closest thing to a self-evident truth that will ever be published on this page. Also, is there anything better than Boulevard Wheat in the summer? Seriously, I must be getting older but it's right up there with poon tang in my estimation.

"A woman will date a tub of fried cheese curds if she thought it had a lot of money."
- Truer words have never been written.

Mission Destruction
- Mission, Kansas is being destroyed but not in the way you had hoped.

"What, exactly, CAN the Kansas City Royals teach our youth about baseball?"
- Other than, obviously, how to beat up reporters and kick them out of press conferences when it has been proven that you can't win any games that count.

"The Writing Life"
- When Joe writes about being a writer . . . This blogger gets a little jealous . . . But I still can't wait to read his book.

No you didn't



I know it would be nice but they didn't really find WMD's in Iraq. This doesn't really relate to KC but I'm sure there are a few people around town (KMBZ) who think these crusty old remnants of Iraq's war with Iran qualify as reason enough for 2,500 dead American soldiers and countless dead Iraqis . . . I'm not so sure. But it's just another sign that things are going in the toilet in that country when they have to start making up the news in order to get any good news.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Pitch plays Pot vs. Kettle: "No one lowers the bar better than the Kansas City Star"

The Pitch slams the Star . . . Like one hooker complaining that another hooker wears too much eye shadow. It's basically a slam directed toward Jeneé Osterheldt and her writing and "coverage" of the local hip-hop scene that is best left to the metro crime blotter. Personally, I don't think local hip-hop merits that much coverage given that it's mainly the pursuit of nerdcore hobbyists or thugs who are also interested in killing time while waiting to kill people. Also, I just can't get behind (no homo) the idea of the lily white hipsters at The Pitch coming down on a Black woman who they find threatening.

Classy Hotel Threeway Makes The News

At first they thought it was a rape but it turned out to be a consensual threeway with a 39 year-old broad and two guys who are probably dealing with a lot of regret. Also, it must have been quite a sight if people called the cops on the trio, I imagine it looked something like a middle-aged woman on a rotisserie.

Wi-fi probably won't win you many votes



BlogKC files a great post examining the recent effort by Mayoral candidate Henry Klein to make Wi-Fi a big part of his campaign.

For the most part, local bloggers are usually in favor of tech advances but this town has literally got to get its shit (read: sewers) together first. BlogKC elaborates on the point much more eloquently and makes a pretty hilarious reference that nearly made me poop myself. Read on.

Time of the season



Thanks to local blog Gone Mild for reminding me that it's the first day of summer.

Child Dies After Wreck Near Swope Park

A car wreck not the wreck we refer to as Kansas City's Eastside. Channel 9 reports: Police are investigating after an 18-month-old boy died Tuesday evening after a car wreck near Swope Park.

Bravo



I've had (and continue to have) my problems with the KCPD but I have always had a lot of respect for people who risk their lives for the safety of this city. At the very least they deserve a modicum of respect for their occupation . . . And probably more if you're not a minority.

Anyway, The Kansas City Police Department gave awards to 30 employees Tuesday for work performed last year.

Here is the best story I've read in a long while concerning police looking out for a citizen.
And seven officers for helping the suicidal man last summer. Officers Bryan Britten, Richard Burnette, Christopher Hayes, Donald Hubbard and Lloyd Mast searched a field for the bleeding man. Officers Robert Keith and Shane Roberts secured his home. After the officers found the man, Britten discovered the body part back at the house. Later, doctors successfully reattached the man's penis.
Clearly (and I'm not joking here), these officers deserve a commendation for that kind of hands on work with the citizenry. That's some serious dedication.

Since The Star is mostly fiction anyway



I might hang this blog up at 5,000 posts because it's rewarding and all but if the local media isn't gonna take the news seriously then I'm gonna have a really hard time making fun of them.

Today the Star is publishing a piece of (crap) fiction wondering what would happen if the H5N1 bird flu hit KC.

Damn, I mean, if it's that slow of a news day why not just make up something about how all of these white elephants this town continues to support (Union Station, The Zoo, 18th and Vine and so on) are going to benefit KC in the long run. Personally, I believe the fiction The Star published regarding The Stadium Tax had the most impact on this town.

This doesn't even qualify as mediocre punditry or a boring story . . . It just doesn't belong in a newspaper and I'm guessing that most of the editorial board thinks so as well but they are too scared of getting the ax from their new McClatchy overlords who are desperately trying to create some kind of buzz. Hell, this kind of thing didn't even make for interesting (or highly rated) TV so I wonder why they made the effort of sacrificing so many trees for the bad idea.

Here's another bit of fiction for the folks at The Star . . . The dinosaurs aren't around anymore because they didn't have any great new ideas (like confusing typeface, cluttered columns and FICTION in a newspaper) in order to save them from their unavoidable fate.

However, I'm a nice guy and I'll give the newspaper a tip that they will ignore in favor of continuing to lose readers: Get a page 3 girl. I know I would make it more of a habit to pick up the paper if there was a guarantee that I would see more ass then what is regularly provided by the editorial section.

Baggy Pants are bad for Crime



Channel 4 reports that police are having an easier time catching criminals thanks to the fashion trend of low-hanging, baggy, saggy pants.

"I've had several foot chases where the individuals get out and run, end up tripping, falling, hurting themselves just because they can't run when their pants are hanging down by their knees," said police officer Darren Snapp. Although some say saggy pants started as a show of disrespect for authority, police say they're getting the last laugh with all the easy arrests.

"Kansas Citians help one West African man nearly 5,000 miles away."

Tell local Mexicans to hurry up with their damn entrée.

Patricia Kilpatrick says Pitch story is mostly untrue

Backlash from a recent budget story. I don't know if the broad is lying or not but I will say that nothing in the Pitch is as good as it seems anymore and I'm not just referring to the diseased ridden hookers advertised in the back pages but also a lot of the commentary that seems to be dripping with poserdom a lot more than usual. However, I'm still gonna pick up my copy tonight. How else will I know what local fad trend to avoid?

Here's something impacting high risk urban youth in KC (other than bullets)

KC Currents features a pretty decent story about Tyrone Flowers who was shot 1/3 as many times as 50 cent and was subsequently paralyzed but he has proven to be about 100 times more useful with his local organization Higher M-Pact.

Yet another white woman trying to save the world

It's hard to be cynical about this story regarding some women volunteering for the AIDS Orphans Educational Trust . . . All I can do is try. Better yet check out the story for yourself and trust that there is nothing more pure in this world then the love of white women for their various pet causes.

Good Looking Out



Here's a quick rundown of who the local police are looking for, who they've identified and one link regarding who they've caught.

Man found dead in NKC apartment
- Police looking for suspect while most of wouldn't be caught dead in NKC.

Police confirm woman found dead in KCK was murdered

Ameristar Casino raises reward in 2005 Bonner Springs murder
- A bit of my cash was murdered at a local casino. I'm glad to know it's being put to good use.

Man faces charge of assaulting police
- Nothing good can come of anything going on in an American Inn.

(Don't) Eat Me

Here is a rundown of places cited for food code violations by the Kansas Department of Health and Environment (KDHE). And yes, damit I've been to at least 3 places on the list recently. Excuse me while I look for the Listerine, bleach and some ipecac

Developer to convert KC apartments to condos

Condos come to South Kansas City . . . Concern for that part of town couldn't be far behind. I guess.

Stowers resumes expansion planning

Not even science can explain the unprecedented building boom in Kansas City that is being backed by unwarranted optimism (read: speculation) and greed. However, this development is probably a good thing and if the bible thumping lobby drives this place away I'm sure there is some way the building will mutate into luxury condos.

Overland Park Camp Teaches Teens How To Fight Fires

You'll have to learn how to bully politicians with your voting bloc, cheat on your wife, become an alcoholic and grow a mustache on your own.

There is nothing funny about homelessness or Yakov Smirnoff



Russian-born comedian Yakov Smirnoff joined a crew working on a Habitat for Humanity house at 2533 Cissna St.

I can only assume he was hoping they would build him one next.

"Local Toddler Loses Foot In Mowing Accident"

Another example of bad headline writing. I wouldn't say he lost it, it's just not attached to him anymore. Summer is here kids, leave the lawn work to the Mexicans experts if you have the means.

MTV 'Cribs' Visits Chiefs Linebacker Derrick Johnson's House

I'm sure the place was magnificent and featured a ton of awesome toys and flat screen television sets. Two things were not in the guy's house: Any indication of playoff victories and BOOKS.

The Star is pretty much on the verge of not covering news anymore

I'm hoping Greg Reeves makes up (read: fakes) his comments because the people on his page are causing me to loose my faith in humanity or at least the people who read the news in this town. Greg (Douchebag) claims that The Star is about to launch a "Jail Blog" in lieu of providing any coverage of the Black Community in this town.

"He's still got it, Al Green does"

Local blogger shares a review of the good Reverend at the Rhythm and Ribs Fest along with some dancing dude.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Cat Shot with Bow & Arrow

I believe this is called a shish kabob and it's not only fun to prepare but also fun to eat as well.

Payoffs to the people?



Katheryn Shields could possibly the worst human in Kansas City or in all the Outer Rim Territories for that matter. I don't even want to mention the fact that she has Han Solo frozen in carbonite in her living room but I will say that nearly ever political move she makes comes off sleazy and leaves the gross fingerprints of her chicken grease stained hands covering everything.

Currently, she's involved in some kind of ploy regarding raises for a few workers in Jackson County.

The details of the story are mostly cofusing and unimportant but the main point is that Doc Wheeler shouldn't take any help from this woman. She is political poison and will eat through any political credibility the guy has . . . Along with any sandwiches, pizza boxes or day old doughnuts that are laying around.

I don't really care who the next County Executive is but I just hope that Shields will speed up her glacial pace in leaving the political scene in KC.

It's not that I have a problem with women in positions of authority (I do) but also the lady scares me and my Jedi mind tricks won't work on her.

Kansas City center to focus on child obesity

While I usually focus on how dumb or ugly a kid is I guess this might be fun as well.

Store clinics to grow in KC

Discount medical care is all the po'folk of KC are gonna get. Who knew that you life would literally depend on Wal-Mart even if you aren't a Chinese infant.

"The Black Archives of Mid-America Inc. has been dissolved as a corporation."

This news coupled with new efforts to develop the Eastside (at least what intersects with downtown) and the fact that the Black people in KC kill each other at a pretty amazing rate during the summer makes me wonder if this town wants to forget African-Americans in this community all together. Begrudgingly, I have to admit this is the best thing Steve Penn has written all year.

Not even ass can save South KC



I don't know why people would opposed a strip club in South KC considering that the place is pretty much the butthole of this town. However, a federal lawsuit filed last week alleges that Kansas City violated the First Amendment rights of a company trying to open an entertainment establishment (Golddiggers) near Bannister Mall.

Frankly, I can't even see the debate here. I would think that even droves of pervs are better than the desolate area as it currently sits. But maybe I'm not thinking this thing through . . . The area is probably overrun with depressed single mothers and bringing in strippers might just pose too much of a burden. However, GoldDiggers claims that they don't wanna set the place up as a strip club but which makes this story as pointless as investing in South KC. Finally, I'd like to note that this post doesn't indicate my views about that part of town but merely reflects the past two Mayors and their policy of ignoring everything South of the Plaza.

New Kansas Ad To Air In New York

"Bigger than you think" campaign is definitely false advertising. "Remind yourself why you left" would be a much more honest take to present to the people of NY.

Naked Man Assaults Sleeping Woman

Can't believe I missed this one yesterday. It's a modern day take on the sleeping beauty story only more realistic and with a much more believable ending.

"Pit bull proposal raises tempers"

Poor white people are as ill tempered as their dogs. Those who want to avoid vicious jobs simply need to shower and produce evidence of gainful employment . . . This will confuse the mutts because it's likely something they rarely see.

Let's get it over with



A recent report reveals that America's rape rate has fallen by 85% . . . Which ironically is the exact same percentage of women who believe that they were simply so tired after dinner that they needed a nap and nothing happened at all.

No means No . . . Rape jokes. My Mom would hate that kind of humor considering that she was so much of a feminist as a young woman that she played the rape whistle in her high school band.

Also, rape is not funny, not even when you're raping a clown.

However, I would like to know the trend that underlies this statistic. I'm sure it is somehow related to all the men that Paris Hilton is screwing or the fact that most skanky women nowadays can't distinguish a rape from their other relationships.

Report shows strong housing market

As a child we use to refer to this kind of trend as bubblicious.

White Flight

The White Pages are the first but not the last form of printed media that's quickly becoming obsolete.

War on meth yields results

You know, other than fat new contracts for big companies working in the penal system (nullus). Also, a good excuse to lock up poor white people who surprisingly haven't molested anyone.

They are all equally boring



This preview of the August primary documents the four Democrats competing for the chance to replace Charles Wheeler as Missouri's 10th District senator.

I've tried to spice up their resumes in the hope that any of these d-bags will actually inspire you to vote for something besides American Idol. Soul Patrol my ass.

Jolie "No" Justus "No Peace!"

Age: 35

Occupation: Director of pro bono work at Shook, Hardy and Bacon (i.e. - Lung Cancer Law Firm and Associates)

Previous elected office: None (but a young broad like this has probably held several other interesting positions)

Campaign point of emphasis: Access to health care, child-care subsidies, transportation and basic human rights . . . Also working hard to eliminate "No Fat Chicks" discrimination in personal ads.

Jason Klumb

Age: 37

Occupation: Assistant attorney general - (houseboy)

Previous elected office: Served in the House from 1993 through 1996

Campaign emphasis: Experience and ability to forge compromise in a Republican-dominated legislature . . . Able to bend over backwards in search of compromise.

Ingrid Burnett

Age: 53

Occupation: School counselor (Condom Dispenser)

Previous elected office: At-large member of the Kansas City school board since 2002 - No that's not my joke but still funny that someone would use that distinction as a resume highlight. It's pretty much a sign that she shouldn't be put in charge of anything more complex than a vacuum cleaner.

Campaign emphasis: Understanding of education issues and her ability to improve the perception of the Kansas City School District - L - O- FUCKING - L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd vote for this lady right now just because she's obviously good for some laughs and she has no grasp on reality with that kind of line. With this kind of senselessness I think the lady qualifies as the lesser evil only as long as Stalin is somewhere in the equation.

Mike Flaherty

Age: 39

Occupation: Restaurant and bar owner - Probable Poon Hound if he's anything like the restaurant and bar owners I know.

Previous political experience: None (Not entirely true, dealing with drunk people certainly takes some political acumen and avoiding drunk chicks with herpes who don't want to go home is definitely the hallmark of a man who can build consensus.)

Campaign emphasis: Would bring a small-business perspective to the Senate - I'm not sure if this refers to taking bribes or hiring Mexicans on the cheap . . . I'm in favor of both.

Grigsby is Great



Local blog Happy in Bag recently ran into Kansas City broadcasting icon Bill Grigsby at the Parkville's Jazz/Blues & Fine Arts River Jam. There's a great photo of the guy maxing out with what seems to be a reasonably hot Asian lady . . . So he's now even more cool in my estimation.

Normally, I don't like old white men. You see, any white guy over the age of about 60 is really nothing more than the beneficiary of some pretty serious white privilege despite his class or educational level. For that reason I'm not very nice to older white guy senior citizens, drivers, mall walkers or the occasional old man who might ask me for directions . . . "You the man! Why don't you figure it out for yourself and stop oppressing me?!" Is what I (wish I could) say to them. Think about it, a guy that age probably still remembers segregation (my parents do), he enjoyed the segregated and much better KC School District, he could openly show admiration of Harry S. Truman and the architects of Vietnam and play off killing hundreds of thousands of Asians like it was merely a happy accident AND he would have enjoyed a stable home life given the fact that mom would never mouth off to dad because wife beating was not only legal but also encouraged. Good Times.

Anyway, there are only two exceptions to my horrible treatment of elderly white guys. Walt Bodine and his crazy arthritic fingers will always have my respect and Grigsby is another guy that seems much to nice to hold a grudge against. Yup, Grigs is one of the good ones even though I despise pretty much every other white guy of that generation because I know deep down they miss the era when they could comfortably rest their boot on my neck.

Free Mumia!

(WTF?)

JDoubleP had more fun than you

More great photos in this post that makes me hungry. Also features a ton of local entertainment links for those of you who actually look forward to leaving the house.

Theater of Pain

Great post about a local trash dumping off point that doesn't exactly read like a Greek tragedy but it features a cool photo.

White Girl gets probation

She brought a gun to an Olathe school and she's getting off (nullus) with a somewhat light sentence. I guess my strategy of hooking up with white women isn't that crazy after all considering that they have the run of the country.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Word of the day: Hooker



I know enough about media in this town to know that any woman who has worked in the field for an extended period of time is the worst kind of hooker you could imagine. The local media broads go through ad salesman, account executives and coworkers the way you and I put on socks.

Enter Darla Jaye . . . Everybody else has . . . Natch.

Recently, she's been on a kick with her "Spanish Word of the Day" in which she makes some hack point that's vaguely clever while providing her audience with more education then they have received since Pa took them outta that fancy book learning place. Anyway, sometimes it's pretty funny stuff and it usually takes a lot to offend me but I've been receiving a lot of e-mails recently about her antics and many of this town's non-illegal Latinos (all 4) seem to be a tad pissed about the subject. See, contrary to popular conception there are a number of citizens (maybe 9 or so) in this town who are bi-lingual and don't appreciate their culture being demonized by some mean spirited white chick on the radio. Also, a lot of people make the point that she's exploiting the current political climate and attacking Latinos whereas similar attacks on different races or ethnicities would surly be regarded as racist. Personally, I could care less because I don't really pay attention to anything white women say in the first place because 1. It's hard to hear them with their head muffled under a pillow and b. Invariably every time a white woman opens her mouth it's usually some kind of complaint anyway so it all sounds like "wonk, wonk, wonk" to me. Also, I simply assume all white people are racist . . . It saves me a lot of time.

The only thing that concerns me about all of these talk radio clowns is that a few shut-ins people take them seriously. KC is a low end, dead end media market. You either find people here on their way up or on their way out. Lazlo is a good example of someone heading to bigger and better things whereas the jokers at KMBZ are one step away from broadcasting on a tin can and string or (even worse) taking to the Internet. I know Darla would like to think she's on the front lines of the conservative struggle to kill, deport and hassle brown people but it seems to me that she's only yet another angry white woman around town with a slightly bigger audience then the head of a suburban PTA.

Sooooooooooo, please check out Darla's page and spend some time with the poor woman because with as little tread as I imagine she has left on the tires I doubt anybody else will.

Finally, is it Mexican Day in KC or something and immigration forgot to tell me? All this coverage makes me long for the days when this city's fastest growing population (other than loft and condo single cell organisms) was pretty much ignored.

Speak English: Lose Money

Most people I hear around town can't really speak English properly so I'm not sure what's with the big motivation to make it the national language. Which version of English will be our official tongue? Valley Girl/JoCo speak? Meth/Independence MO slang? Eastside Ebonics? What about the business speak that passes for intelligence in between conversations about sports, wives asses and new electronic gadgets? All of these patterns of speech have a distinct cadence, vocabulary and rhythm that almost make them a different language. So in the end it's clear that not knowing English can keep you safe or at least make people so disgusted that they won't bother to rob you. Remember, this is America . . . Speak Spanish! *Note: My Spanish is so bad it embarrasses my waiters enough to get them to speak English . . . I always like to do my part to help this great nation in between burritos.

Boom I got your boyfriend



Cases of mistaken identity are not only the impetus for all of the great Hitchcock movies but they also make for pretty decent news stories as well.

After a fight between two women (read: crazy bitches) a guy went out with a gun looking for one of the broad's boyfriends. The local dumbass found the wrong guy but shot him anyway.

Still, this incident is not nearly as painful as being mistaken for a "deadbeat dad" and having to deal with the drama of getting screwed without even getting a chance to screw.

What have we learned from this? Well, there is nothing involving a woman that is worth shooting someone over. And "he doesn't live here anymore" is always the best way to answer the door, telephone or calls from your significant other.

The web is a great venue for people who are probably guilty



The local web is a great place to try and influence the court of public opinion. I suggest a few photos of half naked white women to really win over a few fans or not.

Esmie.com
- Got the mommy murderer a shorter sentence so that she'll still be hot when she gets out. Thank you!

Justice for Ben
- I confess . . . I'm not persuaded at all but the site chokes me up when I think about how much people don't wanna believe the worst about their family.

Freetedwhite.com
- In this case, the website seems like a decent effort and the guy was acquitted. However, the dude went back and wanted to sue Lee's Summit for their mistake. So you could consider this page a moneymaker along the lines of Ebay if the guy actually gets even a portion of the 100 mil he's asking.

The Star is all Stinking Mexican Today



I'm not placated, I'm still pissed, I didn't see any Latino surnames writing these articles and these stories are so insipid they make a hot button issue actually seem rather boring. Here are the stories Señor:

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS: Costs, gains for KC

Family members work hard to provide for themselves, but must rely on social safety net
- Or "How to blame Mexicans forperenniallyy screwed up Healthcare Industry." Big Pharma hates Paco just as much as you!.

Who pays? Answer is not always clear
- Or "Let's forget that white welfare built the highways out to JoCo while the Mexicans just work on nearly every roof in that part of town"

Do illegal immigrants pay fair share of tax load?
- Show me the sales tax.

Immigrants add benefits and burdens
- Or "While I enjoy the benefits of cheap labor, the knowledge that Pedro's kids will one day be able to vote scares the crap out of me."

Q&A: An Illegal immigrant
- Discussionss between Black people and Mexicans regarding "When are you going home?" can easily turn ugly.

I'm not sure what to make of all this coverage and I'm sure the conservative cornflakes are going to be crying about liberal bias. Personally, I think the only thing this deluge of coverage represents is how far behind KC's print media is on this issue considering that the Immigration Bill is pretty much dead and we've moved on to more interesting ways to ignore the fact that the U.S. is still losing the war in Iraq.

Dirty Debutantes



God Bless Ed Powers and the horribly disgusting but important work he has done in reclaiming the word debutante.

For years in Kansas City so many young trollups have sought to engage in this legacy of classism and snobbery put on for the benefit of no one in particular. Of course, all of these young tarts like to partake in some kind of charitable activity but it's nothing compared to all of the cash that's wasted on their account which doesn't do much for the Chinese toddlers who make their dresses. From the Jewell Ball to so many other monumental wastes of time . . . Make no mistake that your owners, bosses and betters want you to admire their daughters and ignore the discount nose jobs.

Anyway, what Mr. Powers did in his lovingly crafted masterpieces was take the term and identify it for what it was . . . Just another name to call a young (18+) piece of trim. Because of his work, nobody who is even vaguely familiar with porn can utter the word "debutante" without producing a mental image of Mr. Powers and several young skanks tussling around a dirty sofa, fidgeting with a camera and doing his best to entertain the masses despite his shortcomings. Well done, man.

A Patriotic Post

Actually, it's a great World's of Fun review from Whole Wheat Bagel who reports on the rides with more clarity than you'll get from any of the teenagers in your life. All of the rides sound fun with almost as many twists, turns, ups and downs as the Bush Administration.

"Things Rusty Hates"

Great post after my own heart. Money line: "If I was rich I would be a threat to the whole human race"

Daddy's Day: The Day After



My favorite anecdote regarding Father's Day comes from a couple of guys I know in prison who claim that Mother's Day is a huge deal. The Gift Shop (heh) sells cards, visits are arranged and the lines for the phone are unusually cordial and well behaved. However, they tell me that nobody in the can gives a damn about Father's Day.

That sounds about right to me.

In this heart warming post from the X-man, he accurately depicts the importance of a good dad in a man's life and their overwhelming influence. There are a lot of great Father's Day posts out there from yesterday and I advise you to read them all if only to study the only force we can identify in keeping young men out of jail and young women off the stripper's pole.

Oh, and before you bitch about your Dad please read what suspected local serial murderer Terry Blair's son had to say on yesterday's holiday created by Hallmark.

"The Estate Tax is Good Tax Policy"

Here's a thoughtful missive from local blogger Dan who tears right though any misconceptions you have about the so-called "Death Tax." Strangely, I never have to worry about any stuff like that because (like most of you broke asses) both parents have promised me the only thing they will leave to me is bills.

KC Mountain Bike Trail Review - Shawnee Mission Park

Great review and awesome pics of Shawnee no less. An informative post for those of you with bikes of those of you looking to steal them and make a clean getaway.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Bag of Bones



No, I'm talking about Nicole Richie's skinny ass and the way she ruined her one time curvy figure.

Seems as if in order to revive downtown condo and loft dwellers have resorted to grave robbing . . . Okay, not really . . . However, a human skull in a bag turned up in a KC Condo but it wasn't a murder clue or anything. It seems that the skull and accompanying bones used for coursework at the University of Missouri-Kansas City School of Medicine. The Star reports that "A student bought the bones in India about seven years ago and brought them through U.S. customs using a letter stating they were for educational purposes . . . The guy's mother said: "Everyone in India uses real bones in medical school," . . . "Here, they don't get real bones."

Apparently, the guy wants the bones back and I guess that's cool but I think this story only serves to illustrate what kind of ghouls live in lofts and condos in this town.

JCCC paper shut down for the summer

Reporters seem surprised that their owners didn't like the controversy which sank the President. Editors promise to keep on reporting the news even if it means taking it to a blog . . . I'll link as soon as know the address

The News is Pervy



I always wonder if news bunnies women aren't secretly disappointed with their career because so much of it involves reporting on and hanging around perverts. With that much interaction with pervs, you figure they could have just become strippers and earned more money while working better hours.

Here's a recent news item in this town that every "news" station has a link to: Man Exposes Himself To Teen At KC Mall. I guess that's pretty interesting and I can see the human interest angle but for the most part it's just a run of the mill perv story and more proof that "news" is a relative term. Also, the incident took place at Ward Parkway in a shoe store. From watching the news I gather that pervy shit is always going down at shoe stores, women's locker rooms or tanning salons . . . Why is that?

I-70 project to close eastbound lanes

Cardinals fans won't notice on their way out to the K. No big loss other than the Royals but whatever.

These boots are made for blogging

You've heard of a podcast and a vidcast . . . This blogger brings you all the details of her aircast. It's a shoe-in for a good read and other Gene Shalit-like observations.

New & Improved



I don't know what's up with the Westport Sunfresh but it has made quite an improvement lately. The place is actually worth a visit for something other than puking after a night of Westport bar hopping.

For a long time I had shied away from the place because an underreported news story revealed that some poor guy was stabbed in the face in the parking lot but upon a recent visit I noticed not only an improved produce section but also a newly remodeled interior and a sushi bar (I don't eat that garbage but it was nice to see).

Normally, I only go to Price Chopper (El Choppo) because I'm only 5'11 (on a good day) and being around a lot of Mexicans makes me feel tall. But the new digs at the Sunfresh on Mill Creek are worth enduring the Midtown hipsters and other white people who feel that they deserve a medal for not high tailing to JoCo with all their other homies.

I know, I know it's pretty lame to be excited about a grocery store but considering that the Downtown (pipe dream) Market will take years to materialize and will ultimately be shut down after somebody is killed in the parking lot . . . This is the only good redevelopment news I can produce with a clear conscience.

Because I care what you think



I'm experimenting with a little recognition for all three of you out there who are good enough to comment. I don't know why but I've never really received a lot of comments. I can only assume it's because everyone who reads this site agrees with so there is no point in debating. Still, I'm always extra special grateful if you take time to leave a note even if it's to render a vicious insult you think that I won't forget about in 3 minutes.

In other news, I'm pretty sure Greg Reeves over at Crime Scene KC makes up nearly all of his comments . . . Either that or The Star's readership is a lot worse than I could have ever imagined.

Anyway, as I noted previously, it's really just a thank you for those of you kind enough to leave a note . . . I love you that much and that's just the kind of prick I am.

The only news worth reporting this weekend



I'm not a fan of professional sports really. The great attendance and fan participation of the KC Brigade astounds me but then again I'm not made of stone either. Therefore, I can't help but get "excited" about the new web page of the Brigade Cheerleaders.

The Brigade Girls details the roster, provides info on upcoming appearances and also disseminates eye candy. There are a lot of dirty jokes I could make in this post but somehow the fact that we have white women running around this town in paramilitary garb makes me feel somewhat relaxed, secure and strangely at ease as this society is reaching its zenith of decadence.

Ax falls at WDAF newsroom

13 jobs at the WDAF-TV newsroom gone. Soul Patrol spells the end for Fox ever being taken seriously.

Mother Sentenced For Smothering Children

Strange, sad story. My mother was guilty of smothering me as well but the only people who have paid for it have been my girlfriends who oddly don't seem to share the opinion that I'm the center of the Universe.

New Blog: KCBike.Info

Great new blog with tons of info and links which should serve to keep bikers off the road and out of my way.

"Kevin Mahogany- I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know"

There is nothing ghey about loving good music. I hope. Great review from this local music blog.

Friday, June 16, 2006

"I'll always love my mama"



Yup, the Intruders were on to something when they penned their classic soul hit of the 70's.

Today, one of the most telling stories ever regarding human nature comes out of KC: A Kansas City man was critically wounded after being shot early this morning for supposedly insulting a neighbor's mother. Many thanks to all of the people who sent me this link.

Sure, the perpetrator might have used a little common sense and acted like a grown up but then again this is one crime of which your mom can be proud.

To Do this Weekend: A Present for you



As always, the Event Driver was good enough to send me a link to a listing of weekend activities.

However, the good folks at Present Magazine also decided to send some amazing links to a lot of cool things going on this weekend for those of you who plan on doing something that doesn't involve some freaky undertaking on Myspace. Many thanks!

Take a look for yourself at just a few of the things going on over the weekend:

6-10 PM, Friday, June 16
39th Street Artwalk
Prospero's Bookstore

5-9 PM, Friday, June 16
Third Friday Art Downtown
Brought to you by Urban Culture Project

Friday, June 16 - Sunday, June 18
Screenland Theatre
Movies include: Nelly Don: A Stitch In Time and The Notorious Bettie Page starring Gretchen Mol.

Friday, June 16 - Sunday, June 18, 2006
Rhythm & Ribs 18th and Vine Jazz Festival

8 PM, Fri, June 16 and Sat, June 17
Quixotic Performance Fusion presents "Elemantr" - a kind of dance, hippy thing with music and multimedia that will either turn you into a hipster or leave you in an epileptic fit.

Again, thank you Present Magazine for the links that almost make me want to leave my mom's basement. But then again, it's gonna be hot this weekend and the basement is always so nice, cool, dank and relatively safe. Speaking of that, have a fun and safe weekend kids . . . It's been awhile since I had a chance to type that.

From the Star: Real Estate bubbles and the rest



Hendricks finds yet another real estate scam in this town
- Ironically, overbearing mothers should take a break from turning their children into future Prozac users or homosexuals and see that they're getting screwed by real estate companies who are using "no perv" developments as a selling point that doesn't really matter. The article rightfully asserts that "In the vast majority of child sexual abuse cases, the perpetrator is someone the child knows, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics."

Because of reflections off glass edifices, like Olathe's Sunset Drive building, birds are flying to their deaths.
- Will this mean free wing dinners in my least favorite part of town? Actually, I wouldn't mine seeing this kind of thing in person if nearly every resident of Olathe didn't ruffle my feathers a little bit by their residence in the furthest hinterland outpost of the greater KC area.

The American Jazz Museum's stepped-up efforts to preserve and catalog the movie footage are sure to put KC on the charts.
- Sorry, Jazz and documentary film will not attract crowds. Mostly empty museum still sings sad song of despair and pipe dreams.

GED offers graduates a better life
- Moving from the grill to the drive thru window never felt so good.

"Prostitution that pervades Independence Avenue"



Apparently, the hookers that hang on Independence Avenue are spreading out (like legs or a disease) to other sections of the Northeast Community.

Honestly, this is one instance where I will concede that the influx of Mexicans into Kansas City (and the Northeast in particular) will not help the situation. See, for the most part Mexicans don't really have a problem with hookers. They see them as a part of life, a reasonable career vocation for women who never knew their fathers and part of our entrepreneurial culture. In rural Mexico, this attitude won't really hurt anybody but the women forced to sell their ass but that simply won't fly in KC for a lot of good reasons that all start with some kind of strange rash . . . I've heard. Anyway, as Mexicans assimilate (despite what Pat Buchanan tells you) they overcome this backward attitude and realize that marrying whores is the only (relatively) safe way to enjoy their company and over time the price usually comes out the same. You also may be able to snag a few dinners out of the deal.

Anyway, the problem of prostitution is not new to the people of Independence Ave or the Northeast area but this article is still a great read if only to document the continued frustration and effort to ignore the simple fact that monogamy is a myth and sex for money is pretty much standard practice whether the exchange is on a street corner or at one of the many fancy weddings in this town during the month of June.

Street Photography Is Not a Crime



This could be hard to explain to a few security guards, tinfoil hat wearers and uptight housewives but if you are in a public space then anybody has the right to take a photo of you.

Strange that in this age of employer, creditor and government spying that people are mainly suspicious of hippies screwing around with their overpriced digital camera.

Recently, KCTV 5 reports that police questioned a man photographing people at Apartment Complex Pool. Not only did they question the guy for more than an hour but they also checked his camera for anything incriminating before letting him go. It's important to know that the guy was using a cell phone cam and that is the hallmark of pervs and annoying people but the principal is still same. Like it or not, you can't stop someone from snapping a pic even if you believe it might take away a portion of your soul.

Here's more from Wikipedia (so it must be true):

"In the United States, anything visible ("in plain view") from a public area can be legally photographed. This includes buildings and facilities, people, signage, notices and images. It is not uncommon for security personnel to use intimidation or other tactics to attempt to stop the photographer from photographing their facilities (trying to prevent, e.g., industrial espionage); however, there is no legal precedent to prevent the photographer so long as the image being photographed is in plain view from a public area."

I've always thought that if you are gonna take a photo of someone, common decency dictates that you should ask permission but then again neither the police nor the government do as much so there's no reason to expect anyone else to bother.

The white guys are always the worst







Dave Chapelle has a great bit about groups of Black guys who have one white friend and how that guy is usually the most dangerous person in the bunch. A recent horrible crime in (somewhat) nearby Marshall, Missouri proves that he might have been correct.

Recently, a lily white 16-year-old was charged as adult in a Marshall couple's deaths that included a break-in, robbery, beating and then setting the couple on fire in their bed.

However, now that the racial component is (somewhat) taken out of the case I wonder what they're going to blame the tragedy on now. Video games? Hip-hop? Obviously, there has to be a scapegoat other than the young men and their parents.

Town Topics: Holy Hell it's Hot



KCK Church Swelters After Copper Stolen
- Broke Church goers get to hear the "if you think it's hot in here just imagine how hot Hell will get if you don't make a donation" speech for the one millionth time.

Couple Upset As 2nd Church Cancels Wedding
- Dumbass groom won't take sign from God that marriage is an outdated institution.

Trial Date Set For Precious Doe Murder Case
- I wonder if open and shutting this case a few times will cool off the many people who were very pissed about this media frenzy case.

Report: FBI Investigates Lawrence Police
- There are allegations that the overpaid babysitters in Larry Town improperly posed as federal agents when interrogating suspects. Actually, that's a lot of initiative for these guys. I've always thought they couldn't catch a cold and were mainly in charge of making sure that the keg is returned.

Zoo Welcomes New Elands, Baby Bat-Eared Fox
- KC Zoo just keeps getting uglier.

KC Couple Gets Probation for Child Abuse
- In the old days, they would have gotten a medal for anything short of beating their children to death. Still they seem pretty cruel from the details of the story. You should read it and then stop bitching about your parents.

Blunt slams Nixon's work
- Somebody needs a nap.

Blue Springs Man Killed By His Own Gun
- I guess they can go ahead and pry it away from his cold dead hands now.

Royals Return for Six-game Homestand
- Just like your homecoming. Don't expect them to score.

Guns Stolen from Probation & Parole Office
- Looks like an inside job by somebody who watched inside job a little too closely. Stealing with masks and codes is a losers game. Better to steal with a suit and a pen. You wanna know the best way to rob a bank? Buy one.

Police Investigating Possibility of Serial Rapist in Lawrence
- Frats don't have all the fun.

The World is a Shopping Mall



Great post from this local blogger as he seems a tad disgusted by a few visitors who can't really comprehend that there is more to this town then the Plaza and its many chain restaurants you can find anyplace else in the country. Actually, that may not be true if the prosaic taste reflected by primetime TV are any indication but I'm giving (white) people the benefit of the doubt here.
I was excited to hear the impressions of the city from the same people that were pleasantly surprised to find out that Kansas City isn't a wheat field the day before.
Actually, any reports of tourists in KC are welcomed even if they happen to be dumbasses. Lord knows our town needs the income, strippers and escorts need a way to pay the light bill and it's good for the locals to experience robbing new white people.

Actually, what I hear from everybody who visits is how nice people are in Kansas City . . . Except for me.

Liberal and proud



Here is one of the most insightful sentiments I've ever read from a local blogger describing life in the Midwest or at least a great take on those long, awesome road trips people from around here get to take sometimes.

For me, living in an area so dominated by vast expanses of earth and sky provided a great deal of perspective.
Who would have known that you can attain that kind of perspective simply from visiting podunk Liberal, Kan.? I gotta get outta this basement.

Blogger Backtalk: Local bloggers will always lend a hand



A second opinion from Death's Door
- It's heart warming to hear a story of someone helping out a woman in desperate need of a boob job with something more than a job in public relations.

Delahunt Cafe Opening: It's Grand
- Hack Irish drinking joke #1.

Cafe & Grand Opening
- Hack Irish drinking joke #2. Also, all coffee is Irish if you're already drunk.

Blogger detained at Governor's office
- More links and details proving once again that bloggers have a great advantage in writing commentary that counts (i.e. pisses people off).

This coming Friday is beer night at SRO Video.
- The best video store in Kansas City just got better.

Urban Photo Safari 2006
- Great photo set. See hipsters in their natural habitat.

I have declared war on politics.
- The US government joins forces with the entertainment industry to fight global piracy because that's the biggest problem facing this nation right now. Also, Iraqis, terrorists and people with no health insurance better watch out before Toby Keith writes another song which none of you will be able to download for free.

The way in which the rest of the world views our nation.
- This local blogger writes eloquently about the "Us vs. Them" mentality while I prepare my "What do you mean us, white man? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?" speech.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Kemper hates Kay

Happy in Bag tells me this: "I managed to break away from the NHL playoff game last night to catch Steve Rose's show on KCPT. He interviewed KC moneybags Crosby Kemper. Kemper unloaded on Kay Barnes, the Nelson addition, downtown tax incentives, etc. He pretty much said that downtown is overbuilt and that KC won't be able to service its debt. . ."

The Supreme Arrogance and Hypocrisy of White People on Display at Penn Valley



Before I graduated UMKC, I went to Penn Valley Community College. It was by far the best educational experience I've ever had. During my time at that institution I underwent a transformation from someone who could care less about academic achievement to an editor of the student newspaper, an Honor Roll student and one of the few guys who could make a quick buck at the long running poker game in the cafeteria and still show up on time for my Chem lab. However, since I'm the grandson of illegal immigrants on one side of my family tree I guess that still means that I shouldn't be in this country and maybe this town would be better off without a blog that several hundred of its citizens read everyday. In other words, I consider Penn Valley my home turf and I was very disappointed to find out that Krazy Kris Kobach might be making an appearance on campus.

Public testimony will likely be permitted at the Missouri House Special Committee on Illegal Immigration in Kansas City at Penn Valley College at 10:00 a.m. June 29th, 2006.

Rumor has it that Kris Kobach might have the guts, nerve, balls, audacity to come to my neighborhood in order to bad mouth people who look like my Grandma. Strange, because he can't even win an election in his own county yet he thinks can come to mine in order to spew his dumbass opinions. Let's hope he reconsiders because I'll be there to boo him and I'm not leaving until they kick me out (or kindly ask me to be quiet).

How would the people of Johnson County feel about me going into their neighborhoods and public forums in order to espouse my feelings about minority hiring or diversity training? Given the fact that I get a ticket every time I cross the State Line into Kansas, I'm guessing that I wouldn't be welcome.

So, here's my advice: Stay home Kris Kobach. Stay on your side of the State Line where you can beat up the poor people who work to provide cheap labor until your heart's content. But do not think that you can come into a predominantly Latino neighborhood and bad mouth people who share a common heritage and ancestry with so-called "illegals" without getting thoroughly booed and embarrassed by something other than your stagnant political career. And I don't even want to go into the fact that the guy obviously doesn't understand the basic principles of conservatism (free markets & small government) as he whines in favor of more government regulation and bureaucracy at the border.

By the way, I'm asking (begging actually) every local Latino with a computer (all 3 of you) to show up at this meeting if you have a chance. I know its during the day but you have plenty of notice and this is a place where Chicanos just might be able to demonstrate their solidarity with the cause of immigrant rights and opposition to the scapegoating that's being perpetrated against everyone of Mexican decent by opportunists, racists and fear mongers like Krazy Kris Kobach.

70k for PR campaign promoting construction in KC

Let's hope Cauthen and Kay don't break their arms patting themselves on the back . . . The city's budget is another story.

Visit Liberty Memorial for something other than ghey sex

Public officials hope that we remember WWI even though it's clear that so many people in this town quickly forget the sacrifices of veterans in the current war. Similarly, just like war this white elephant is going to be yet another loss leader for the city.

Diebold kills Democracy Dead



Nobody in Kansas City trusts Diebold. We'd rather stuff the ballot boxes by hand.

So do I get make out with Jenee Osterheldt or what?



Not only did I have to read through a hack column about the best places to kiss in Kansas City. But the Star also dumped their paper on my lawn without permission in addition to endorsing every dumbass idea that involves construction or tax increases. So naturally, I feel like they owe me something. Also, this columnist is just a little nasty (just what I like) as she mentions tongue jobs and then works in a slick reference to the shuttlecocks at the art gallery. That's about as subtle as a cold sore.

Anyway, I don't endorse PDA not just because it's nasty but I don't want people to flaunt their bad decisions and look silly like women who wear hoop earrings.

MO blogger gets banned by Baby Blunt

They say that Roy Temple over at firedupmissouri.com is a threat to the Governor. Thankfully, nobody ever mentions me when it comes to stuff like that . . . Even though I've been encouraging Show-Me voters to spank Blunt for years.

No one will love you when you're 64



If John Lennon had been smart and pushed Yoko in front of those bullets I think he might have said: "I don't believe in marriage, I just believe in . . . Hell, I just don't believe in marriage."

Okay, probably not but recent events in the life of the most beloved Beatle have taught us all that not even a filthy, hooker with one leg will love you when you're 64.

Face it, if the guy who wrote "Yesterday" couldn't make it work then what chance does your (or my) dumb ass have . . . By the way, if June is wedding season what the Hell month is divorce season?

Additionally, I think that I find the idea of marriage just as disgusting as child pornography and a recent story of a suspicious wife finding child porn on her husband's computer and then turning him in just reinforces the notion for me that we all enter this world alone and leave it the same way. Obviously, the wife did the world a favor by snitching on her hubby but the point is that women will sell you out in a heart beat, they are always looking for the better deal and the only thing they really love is money.

Yet, the reason I decided to post about this topic is because there are a lot of misconceptions about these facts (the cruel nature of women) among the Oprah watching public whereas everybody just (rightfully) assumes the worst about men . . . Especially the brown ones.

Worlds of Fun owner plans public offering

It'll be really rewarding for an hour or two but then you'll desperately want to get out of it at any price after hanging around for half a day. However, there are no height requirements.

Cat Simpson is on the prowl



For a change, a local corporate blog filed a decent post about life in KC. Apparently, some woman named Cat Simpson is booking bands, DJ's, etc. for Beaumont, Karma, Westport Beach Club and Grand Emporium. Obviously, she's not a whore like most of the other women in Westport and she seems to know what she's doing which should separate her from most of the guys as well. Additionally, she has a myspace page so you can have some kind of contact with a purveyor of live entertainment in Westport without getting herpes.

Defense Wants Appleby's Confession Thrown Out

I'd like a new car but my stupid decisions have also ruined that pipe dream. Forget this page if you want a few good laughs and read this instead.

2 Softball Players Shot After Practice In KCK

This is horribly cruel but maybe now they'll remember to keep their glove down when fielding a ground ball.

Jesus Hates Good Books



The Pitch profiles Gregg Motley, the guy behind the effort to ban every interesting book in the Blue Valley School district. Obviously, no one ever told the poor schmuck that the best way to make sure that kids never read a book is to assign it as homework.

An interesting item from the article: Motley had a stepson who he sent back into foster care after his wife's death. I'm sure he had a good reason for what is seemingly a pretty cruel act. Maybe he never read the Bible either considering that it's a book filled with murder, sex, debauchery, war, Jews and really freaky stuff that's reminiscent of an LSD flashback near the end. Link via TFK.

"The greatest man I've ever known died this evening"

A fitting tribute, an amazing post. Read this eulogy from a local blogger and then offer your condolences.

"I'm pretty pissed that this poor excuse for a public library has been foisted on the residents of Kansas City."

Finally, an honest review of the new Plaza Library. Same as the old boss.

A great blog puts everything in a new perspective



A recent post by one of my favorite bloggers really put things in a new perspective for me.

Put simply:

Dallas Penn is why you read blogs.

The most important thing that a blogger can offer isn't links or news or even proof that Dan Rather was a filthy, dirty liar or that most journalism is fake.

What Dallas does in his recent post is not only make a well documented assertion that the "Drug War" is simply just (yet another) war on poor people but he also asks: "How come we don't prosecute the companies that manufacture the tiny plastic vials?"

And during all the anti-drug nightly news shows I've ever seen throughout the course of my life (we're talking thousands of hours of television), I have not once heard anybody ask that question. Makes sense. There is only one niche market I can think of for the production of those vials and somebody is making money from it. Even if there is some real product out there for legal use (I doubt it) it's the same kind of situation where rolling papers are supposedly used for tobacco . . . Only with more deadly consequences than just eating a pizza and falling asleep.

Anyway, that post is one of many reasons the people of KC should visit Dallas . . . Not the muggy, nasty big oil town with blonde whores scurrying through the mall . . . No you can skip that and just head straight to Dallas Penn's blog in order get a new outlook.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

To get out of a hole . . . Keep digging



The Star reports that a committee of financial experts recommended Monday that Kansas City borrow an additional $80 million to deal with its huge backlog of road, bridge and building projects.

Whereas my recommendation is that we "turn out" Mayor Credit Card Kay Barnes and see what kind of return she can get. Hell, she has been bending over for real estate developers so often that I'm sure they could spare a C-note in order to help her cause.

The point is that this "if you build it they will come" philosophy (endorsed by so many dumbass people in this town) has left the city with a Ron Jeremy sized debt load (ewwww) and maintaining basic infrastructure needs requires major maneuvering.

And yet, so many people in KC are waiting for some grand payoff other than a few basketball games and a lot of EMPTY luxury lofts in the urban core (read: where the homeless once roamed and still do). I'd advise construction, real estate, Sprint Center and P&L District cheerleaders to keep holding their breath until the dramatic turnaround they've promised comes true . . . It's gonna be a long wait and in the interim the only thing KC has to hold on to is the bill.

This just looks bad



If you've been reading this blog for a while, you should know that I was a Communications major who is interested in all things media. Not to brag, but I'm able to bullshit my way through discussions of semiotics, deconstruction, film theory and the lesser works of Jacques Derrida. Still, Stuart Hall is my favorite social critic because Chomsky gets too much press and only a "person of color" (burp) is allowed to hate this country as much as he does. Sadly, no one told me that Wikipedia is a lot cheaper than obtaining a worthless degree.

Anyway, in my "expert" opinion, a recent arrest made by the KCPD which employed the use of some kind of dumbass chair was one of the worst representations of the department imaginable.

I have to believe that there is some kind of technology available for subduing a person other than chaining them to a hunk of metal.

Oops. I forgot about a Taser but the suspect weighed in at more than 300lbs so I'm pretty sure that would have made his heart explode.

Anyway, I know all of the opposing arguments. Yes, police work isn't pretty but the image of nearly half a dozen white guys chaining up a Black dude (no matter what his offense) doesn't exactly engender the kind of cooperation (read: snitching) the police are trying to promote.

And since I'm all about solutions, I'd like to suggest that the solution to this problem isn't one involving technology but simply a matter of personnel. The KCPD needs more minority officers and that should be the focus of the slate of new hiring that local politicos keep promising. Anyway, the point is that if the KCPD really wants to reach out to minority communities, the best way to start is by hiring and promoting members of those communities.

And who knows? Maybe a few more minority officers may lead to better intercultural communication among the citizenry and a police force that could entirely avoid the nasty spectacle of a bunch of white guys chaining up some Black suspect while the dude kicks and screams.

In the end, I've always believed that if you treat people like they're crazy that's exactly the kind of behavior you can expect in return.

Can't top the ironic bad luck of this poor crackhead woman



This very funny story of a woman thief who was also robbed of her dignity is sure to remind us all that only white collar crime pays. The woman robber ended up topless but it's not nearly as sexy as it sounds from the looks of the convenience store cam . . . Yet, I've heard those cameras add at least 10 pounds and about 3 years if the video is the slightest bit funny. Here's a few more details:
She only got away with a few dollars, but then she returned to the store and gave the money she took back to the clerk in exchange for her top.

The clerk let her go and agreed not to press charges.
Lucky for the viewing public that the good people in television news are not so forgiving.

Caught in the Crossfire



Hearne Christopher Jr. reports that the only likeable Mayoral Candidate, Stan Glazer, has been cursing around town in a pretty nice car.

The sides of the vehicle are adorned with red, white and blue Glazer for Mayor signs and it's clear as the campaign season starts to rev up . . . Glazer is already has an early lead at least in terms of being generally well liked among this town's press.

From the Star: We breathlessly await more local cheerleading coverage



It's a slow news week but I'm sure the Star will find something with which they can skew their coverage. Here are some headlines while we wait:

East Side redevelopment project has been halted so Kansas City officials can determine whether the site has been contaminated with asbestos.
- Breathe easy, real estate speculation will not be delayed too long.

Homeless man charged in stabbing death of his aunt
- You only hurt the ones you love, clothe and feed you and then politely ask you to leave after awhile.

"When evil lurks near our children"
- Local writers purport to know the difference between good and evil. I'm not defending child molesters but I'd like to know where this moral clarity was when the Stadium Tax was under discussion.

Repressed memory is at the center of lawsuits against Catholic priests.
- I remember that almost every priest I've ever met has been a dick. Thankfully, I don't remember theirs. But then again, I was never a candidate for pervy priests because I never had the innocent thing going for me and I had a goatee by the time I was 11.

Good Training



I'm not sure but I think that a program aimed at teaching girls that science can be fun just might be a good idea. Just as long as we're talking about the science of making sure my dinner is ready on time and the bathroom is clean from the mess which I usually leave (aiming is for pussies).

Sadly, I think this story is about something silly like Crime Scene Investigation. And we all know that the only women who want to be involved in that are the chubby ones who watch too much TV in much the same way that every dumbass broad I met in High School wanted to be a Criminal Psychologist right after Silence of the Lambs was released on video. Obviously, women don't need to investigate what the hell I've been up to . . . They should just ask so I can lie to them and quickly change the subject to inquiries about when they plan to lose weight.

Before I forget . . .



It's Flag Day. The only reason I always remember this holiday is because it was part of a school project that I flunked as a kid. I couldn't draw the flags of any other countries other than U.S. and I pretty much thought the whole assignment was a waste of time. I was 7 years old and way ahead of my time.

Town Topics: Get up, Stand up



ACLU Can't Find Plaintiffs Over Searches Near Wakarusa
- Stoners won't stand up for anything but microwave pizza.

Clay County Collector Criticized Over Expenses
- Crazy bitches incapable of keeping credit cards. Isn't that right Mayor Kay?

Shareholders Sue H&R Block's Board Of Directors

Driver Carjacked After Car Rear-Ended
- If there's no stopping crime on the intersection of Independence Avenue and Truman Road then I'm gonna either avoid the place or seriously consider not slowing down.

Police Say Federal Fugitive Database Is Needed
- Much more efficient than simply looking at every minority suspiciously.

Complete list of all the bands, artists and entertainers who received at least one nominating vote in the first round of voting for the Pitch Music Awards
- I'll save you some time, they all suck.

Plaintiffs: Kansas school funding plan comes up short
- Lawyers work hard to take money away from JoCo white guys as if they were in the middle of a divorce proceeding.

H&R Block CEO turns down bonus, raise
- Obviously, the guy is a hero to only rely on his golden parachute.

Thief Targets Blind Woman in Lawrence
- I'm assuming before the ugly college dudes could get to her.

Olathe City Leaders Considering Smoking Ban
- I have no idea how they will burn their crosses.

Thieves Target Businesses Near Police Station
- One stop shopping for dumbasses who apparently like jail.

Missouri will get $28M DSL upgrade
- Show-Me state will get a look at porn even faster.

Menopause the Musical at American Heartland Theatre
"The Hilarious Celebration of Women and The Change" - More laughs than Mayor Kay's second term.

CVS store to be built on old Osco spot in NKC
"The store's pharmacy has been operating out of a trailer in what used to be the parking lot and will remain open until the CVS store opens in November." Somehow that's oddly appropriate for a store where most of the scripts come from "hill folk" lying about their need for oxycontin.

Blogger Backtalk: Career Opportunities



UMKC may be getting a Starbucks
- I believe it was once called the recent graduate employment office.

Death's Door has will one day build a dream house
- Pretty awesome plan, read on.

Performing at Stanford and Sons
- Local blogger attempts to bring the funny on amateur night.

Jerry Lee Lewis concert last Friday at the Folly
- Pretty good concert review along with a literary lesson.

Breakdown on Kyle Turley as a KC Chief
- Come With The Real: "Apparently (Turley) threatened to kill then St. Louis Rams head coach Mike Martz in 2004 while he was playing right tackle for the Rams"

Look out ladies, a new football player is coming to town. Seriously, look out.

Lots of Pictures...
This local blogger provides plenty of pics of the Urban Photo Safari and Wakarusa Festival.

Jazz In the Woods
- Another great concert review and not a description of a outdoor hookup. Jazz is ghey. No homo.

Impressionable, young, teenage dimwits will love it.
- This local blogger reviews the latest work of Paris Hilton but the sentiment pretty much applies to anything the corporate media is pushing nowadays.

A New Home for Joco Republicans
- KC's Republican neighbors are online and angry which makes for a pretty great read. Check them out at: www.firedennismoore.com and www.firekansasdemocrats.org

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

We've all been burned by crooks






The following two headlines seem important but they aren't:

Crime Rates Rise In Kansas, Missouri

Murder, Violent Crimes Rise in Kansas City, St. Louis

This bit of news is actually funny:

FBI: Violent Crimes Up 49.7 Percent in Overland Park

Additionally, information that the Midwest led increases in violent-crime seems about right considering that global warming is either making it too hot, cold or flooded to engage in any kind of meaningful crime spree for the young men of the dirty South along with East and West Coast minorities criminals.

No, the most important thing you should know about recent crime news is the ongoing motif undertaken by broadcasters which causes you to be scared shitless of Black teenagers. True, this reputation isn't completely undeserved but you'd have to admit that two nearby people beaten to death and then barbecued isn't exactly an everyday occurrence . . . Excluding of course East St. Louis.

Still, the images and news of the alleged misdeeds of Spencer Tromont Anderson, Lyndale Devor Henderson along with an underage buddy of theirs are pretty damn scary especially when you put the story in the context of a nightly newscast that pretty much only features minorities (Maria Antonia doesn't count) when they are wanted for a crime.

But as I noted previously, horrific crime like that committed against a couple of senior citizens in Marshall, Missouri isn't commonplace.

A more mundane aspect of our existence is the fact that rich people rule over this city like they own it . . . Which they do.

Case in point, because The Star and most other media organizations did not engage in any kind of significant critical analysis of the Stadium Vote we now live in a town where sports reporters aren't allowed to ask questions.

Funny, the crooks Royals management didn't try to pull stuff like this when they were demanding millions of dollars from this town. And if sports reporters in KC aren't allowed to work because they ask a few incisive questions then it stands to reason that any other journalist who asks pertinent questions about more important affairs in this town would be similarly dispatched. But that's just a silly conspiracy theory and it does not jibe with the content of the local news which tells me that I need to be afraid of every Black kid I see and nevermind about any old white guys getting rich off the stock options directly related to waging war in Iraq or a couple of other old white guys connected to KC who will receive a portion of this town's tax money for nearly a generation . . . Contrastingly, those kids (allegedly) only swipped less than one hudred dollars from the old couple whereas KC's sports francise owners made off with hundreds of millions.

Wave of despair

Earning Awards from Acolytes



Recently, KC Among 2006 All-America City Award Winners. It's worth noting that The World's Greatest Grandpa and Official Boobie Inspector also rank right up there with this "prestigious" honor.

I never heard of the award (so it must not be important) until this town won it. I could go around collecting meaningless honors as well but it wouldn't change the fact that I wear the same pair of jeans for weeks (not days) at a time.

Still, somebody gave their time and effort in order to put this honor together so I guess we should all be proud of it just like an honorable mention earned in a Science Fair or the CD's you stole from an old girlfriend. I like Natalie Merchant and all but there was no way I was paying money for Tigerlily.

Punishing Pervs Appropriately



I don't have any sympathy for pervs but I will say it's easier to beat up on them than an overweight single mother.

Recently, channel 9 reports that a "Jackson County Legislator Bob Spence said it's time the law goes after convicted sex offenders the same way they go after murderers."

Also, The Star reports that a planned Lenexa subdivision will ban registered sex offenders from buying there.

Unless you'r