Jackson County Courthouse Catfight

A fight between County legislators Dan Tarwater and Robert Stringfield is probably the funniest thing in KC politics since Clay Chastain.

Recently, tensions have been high among the legislators with Stringfield suing his colleagues, Tarwater proposing to cut Stringfield's staff budget dramatically and accusations that one of Stringfield's assistants was treated unfairly. However, I'm sure these mundane disagreements that made local politics nearly as exciting as Taiwanese Parliament couldn't possibly be the source of the disagreement.



So, while it seems that nobody is sure who threw the first punch or what was said exactly. I'd like to offer my Top Ten things overheard before the recent fight at Jackson County Courthouse:

10. "I'm telling Mike Sanders that you said he looks like Dieter from Sprockets."
9. "Your mother's ass is as big as that pothole on Broadway."
8. "Tastes great . . . less filling" In reference to property tax hikes versus sales tax increases.
7. "But I want to hold Lamar Hunt's umbrella"
6. "Don't you think downtown has enough condos already?"
5. "If you keep acting like one of the Chief's girlfriends, I'm gonna treat you like one."
4. "I've got your rolling roof right here pal."
3. "I'm about to distribute some COMBAT funding all over your ass"
2. "No, it's your turn to clip Katheryn Shields toenails!"
1. "I wish I knew how to quit you!"

"Anything you can do I can do better"

Let's call it the I-70 series in ass kicking. Not to be out done by the high tech, tasering tactics of the KCPD, the St. Louis cops are out to prove they kick the most ass in the Show-Me State. Ironically, in this sport white people are actually competitive and Black people have the front row seats.

Lottery Letter From Spain Is Scam, FBI Says

It's best not to trust most things Spanish. Anybody who would eat flan is a potential serial murderer.

Flight From Olathe Crashes; 4 Killed

You couldn't pay me enough to get in one of those piece of crap commuter planes or anything else with just propellers. I need a jet engine and a skanky stewardess (air mattress)in the unlikely event that I ever need to leave Kansas City.

"Lucky in art"

The KC Kitty profiles the work of local artist Maura Cluthe and I think I should get in on this art scam since it all looks like stuff I did in kindergarten to me.

"Things I wish I could buy in the River Market"

Whereas I think that by simply attaining rich parents everything else will fall into place. That's how most people in the River Market came by their goods, lofts and lifestyles.

"I feel far too much like an adult."

Great post from local teenage blogger Mr. Cellophane. Unfortunately, to really get the full effect of being an adult this blogger is lucky he doesn't have to deal with a nagging wife/bastard husband, erectile dysfunction or an impending heart attack.

"940 dances for free"

Unfortunately, this story has nothing to do with strippers but instead refers to another kind of artistic expression that is only appreciated by homosexuals and old ladies . .. and I don't mean male strippers either. Actually, the link contains a bunch of local entertainment listings along with a detailed description of a dance recital in Lawrence that tackles addiction in its many forms. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a segment in the performance dedicated to chasing around white women so I probably can't relate.

Dos Hombres in the River Market

The restaurant is scheduled to open at 528 Walnut St. in early March. And how this towns hates Mexicans but has so many Mexican restaurants is beyond me.

Groundhog Day Run in KC

A local blogger describes a KC tradition. Her take on the day's event seems pretty accurate.

Like running for 52 minutes in a parking garage with no scenery, no fresh air and really, really bad body odor smells.

And Groundhog Day begs the question: Six more weeks of winter like this? I'll take it and thank all of you SUV driving folks for this beautiful global warming that favors brown people. (You'll have to come out of that air-condition sometime.) *Note: In KC, they do the Groundhog Day Run underground in the world's largest underground business complex. If climate change continues, someday all white people will have to live underground just like Dick Cheney.

Ironically, in this nightmare scenario the people of KC will still have to give tribute to Lamar Hunt since Hunt Midwest owns Subtropolis, your tax dollars and your first born as well.

Jack Cashill doesn't believe in Karma

In a recent column Jack Cashill writes about the poor people of this state with such a palpable disdain you'd think he was referring to Mexicans.

The unmarried poor run any number of health risks. Studies both here and in the U.K., for instance, show that "boyfriends" are roughly 30 times more likely than a married father to abuse the children in their charge. The homicide rates in either of the Kansas Cities, given their clustering of dependent families, typically run 20-30 times higher than they do, say, in Johnson County. The poor are much more likely than the non-poor to smoke, grow morbidly fat, get hooked on something evil, or catch some nasty STD, all of which costs lots of money and almost none of which is paid for by those afflicted.

Clearly, Cashill is implying that the poor people of this state and city are good for nothing but working at Wal-Mart, fighting wars and paying for improvements at the Truman Sports Complex. The article details the process of preparing a debate as part of the Kansas City @ the Crossroads series and it's clear which side Cashill will take.

Unfortunately, this rabid defense of Medicare cuts and the people of Johnson County works against its aim because it's sure to make anybody sick who reads it. Cashill could be the most short sighted economist next to Ebenezer Scrooge. As even the most stalwart fiscal conservatives and Republicans are beginning to understand that Universal Health Care might be important in not only helping this country compete against every other industrialized nation who already has it but also would reform our broken and inefficient Health Care system.

Cashill's cutthroat conservatism doesn't make sense anymore. In his current condition, Ronald Reagan is more likely to make a thoughtful contribution to the delicate balance between social programs and fiscal solvency than Cashill. And while this local columnist blames the poor for their poverty and illnesses, the only point that is incontrovertible is that in the end sickness and death make equals of us all regardless of political affiliations or income brackets.

MoDOT looking to reconstruct Front Street/I-435 interchange in 2007

The proposed upgrade would turn the standard interchange into what is called a "diverging diamond interchange" that is able to accommodate more traffic safely and more efficiently.

Traffic would flow so smoothly that truckers won't be disturbed while sleeping at the wheel. Additionally, truck stop whores will enjoy quicker moving traffic and less waiting for that meth fix.

Tasered Man had PCP & Cocaine in system

OR, KCPD now in charge of Karma and making sure we all get what we deserve.

Underlying message: You'd better be a law abiding citizen if you're in the custody of the KCPD! Which is enough to make your head explode but also completely exonerates the local cops of any wrong doing.

New Rule: Tasering a guy in handcuffs is okay as long as he's a drug addict. Apparently, the KCPD is out to curb relapse rates for those in drug rehabilitation. I'd be really surprised if this guy ever used again.

Art for a song sung

In this interesting post a local blogger describes how she recently purchased a painting (w/pic) at a Westport restaurant.

Brokeback Relationships: Kansas City Anti-Violence Project

KC Currents reports on a story regarding domestic violence and sexual assault in the local gay, lesbian and transgender community. Obviously, this is a great concern because many of the victims of these crimes don't think they can reach out to the police or loved ones without putting those people at risk of laughing to death. It's a kind of funny sad situation.

*Of course it's not funny if anybody is really hurt. However, I'm sure some of the slapfights are downright hilarious. And normally I pay to watch lesbians engaged in vicious combat.

You take your chances

Over the weekend, a woman was killed in a car accident outside the Harrah's Casino in KC. The story doesn't say but I'm going to go ahead and assume she actually managed to walk out of the place with a few bucks in her hand or maybe she even won a decent amount of cash. That's just the way luck works.

You might remember that recently an old woman blackjack dealer (talk about hard life) was robbed of her purse outside another metro casino.

All of this misfortune leads me to believe that casinos are nothing more than a waste of time. It's bad enough that local casinos seem to be infested with minorities and Asian people who apparently don't have a good understanding of basic statistics (which is odd in the case of Asian people). Furthermore, I always have the suspicion that all of my lost money is going to make an Italian person rich. However, the days of the mob owning casinos are long over so I'm guessing the money actually ends up in the hands of a Tall Israeli which is cool and usually the case in most circumstances.

One last thing, does anybody find the cocktail waitresses even remotely attractive? Sure, they have short skirts and outfits that are made to display cleavage but nearly every one of them looks and usually smells like something out of a French whorehouse at high tide. More often than not, the women in these outfits are usually starved for attention since all of the men in the casinos are so hopelessly addicted to gambling that they have long forgot about sex. Still, I'm sure these broads somehow find a way to be complete whores because anything less would just be a waste.

In the end, all of these factors still probably won't keep me away from the casinos for any significant amount of time. They serve up hope and free soft drinks so it's hard for me to resist. Additionally, it's somewhat comforting to know that no matter who wins . . . if you stay in a casino long enough you'll inevitably be surrounded by nothing but losers.

FBI to take over the investigation into a racial discrimination in KCK

Party turns into federal case. Now I know why all my relatives just send cards.

Celebrate Black History Month at Johnson County Library

Far away from nearly any Black people.

I'm not that shocked

Over the weekend, the KCPD most likely killed somebody in their custody with a Taser. The guy was already in handcuffs when he was shocked for the 3rd time. Initially, the cops didn't dispute this fact but now they say it's too early to blame the death on a Taser. Additionally, the KCPD wants you to believe the guy deserved it. Already, words like drug addict, PCP and resisting are being broadcast by the local media who are so desperate to get a quote for the story they are forgoing any critical questions.

Of course, there is going to be an investigation of this death and Chief Corwin actually has a decent record of doing the right thing in similar cases.

Thing is, in a city where the police are struggling to gain any cooperation with the populace this is yet another reason to be scared shitless of local law enforcement. I mean, people dying while in custody of the authorities is fine for "developing" democracies but to think that a stay with our local cops could leave you dead hits a little to close for home. Of course, we all know better than to argue, resist or look crooked eyed at a member of the KCPD but it's clear that the local cops are never going to earn a lot of trust when they are regarded as judge, jury and executioner by so many people in this community.

New Blog: Hip Suburban White Guy

Don't let the name inspire too much hatred. This new local blog is actually quite good.

Death penalty dispute in Precious Doe case

Life is precious but not nearly as valuable as political currency.

Murguia stresses the power of activism to young people

Considering that it's now a staple of nearly all talk shows to bash Mexicans and portray us all as gang members or illegal aliens (only half true) I think it's time that she started leading by example and get out from behind her desk in Washington to do something besides make token efforts at protest over silly things, mingle with celebrities or further her own career. Like most Star columnists, Mary Sanchez misses the mark again and holds up one of her cronies as a leader and not just another careerist like herself.

Day-care aide accused of hanging boy on hook

OR If this is standard practice then parents only need a coat rack to save money on child care.

Another bi-state blowoff

Whether it's for transportation, stoplights, trails or anything that would benefit people on the other side of the state line . . . the people of JoCo will always find a way to weasel out of paying the bill.

Some mayors in the Kansas suburbs weren't enthusiastic about paying more taxes for trails and traffic management when their cities already pour money into those initiatives.

"“I personally have been opposed to having those items included in the transit package for two years,"” said Lenexa Mayor Mike Boehm. "“To be adding that right now loses the focus of what the transit vote is about."”

Unless a proposal is entitled "Rob and steal from poor, darkies in the inner city" don't expect it to get a lot of support from the good folks in the burbs.

Breathe Easy

A judge recently ordered Aquila to begin tearing down its embattled South Harper power plant in rural Cass County.

FBI Investigates Allegations against Kansas City, Kansas Police Department

There hasn't been this much fallout from a house party since that Kid-N-Play movie in the early 90's.

Wanna make God laugh? Make a plan.

Had a few blogger problems that I created yesterday. I've been contemplating switching to Wordpress for months but for some reason this blogger thing just works best for me and it's what I'm comfortable with. I guess I'm sticking with it at least until I reach 3000 posts (not that far away) and then I'll reevaluate.

Additionally, I've been toying with the idea of podcasts and if you have any ideas or info please feel free to drop me a line. I'm not to fond of my real voice and I don't know if I have the chops for radio (probably not) but I'd be willing to try it.

Anyway, as always thanks for reading and have a fun and safe weekend.

Police Recover Pickup They Think Hit Teen

This headline might have been funny if the truck was a Dodge.

9 Arrested In Overland Park Prostitution Sting

More proof that white people are just as pervy as anybody else. Hotels are just a little nicer than street corners.

Mexican Corruption Probe affects KC Proposal

But corrupt American business interests will probably still push it through. When it comes to corruption or shipping or whatever the U.S. and Mexico are working together to create greater "efficiency" and "transparency" according to the article. . . whatever that means.

Flasher's Victim Warns OP Neighbors About Safety

Suburbanites must look out for Blacks, Mexicans and now pervs. Life would be hard for the people of JoCo if it wasn't for all that money.

"Invisible City"

I once went out with a hippy girl who didn't shave her pits but she was so hot and had such nice breasticles that I really didn't mind.

That's the same way I feel about this project. Invisible City seems like a cool idea but it's way too nice and happy to keep my attention . . . like most blondes 30 seconds after sex. Here's the gist of the endeavor:

The project will provide a structure that encourages citizen participation through contributing answers to a series of questions about each individual’s Kansas City from the perspective of sight, sound, smell, touch, emotion, and color.

Okay, I'll bite. After my parents divorce, I was bummed out and stayed at my Grandma's all day for awhile. The place always smelled like Mexican food. I touched myself a lot during that period. One day as I was leaving, a bunch of Black guys surrounded me by my car and I was lucky as hell my Granny's boyfriend came out to save my ass. Put that on a postcard and mail it. Fuckers.

Upon further review, I found that it's a project put together by UMKC's Creative Studies Department so I can safely ignore it because it has absolutely no application to the real world, like most things in college. Local blogger Heidi does a better job of explaining the project anyway.

Naked Nerds in KC

Just found a newish blog in KC via KC Kitty.

It's called Naked Nerds. And I'm an 18 year-old nympho with perky nips and a month's supply of lube and condoms if the blogger behind the thing is really this hot.

It's still a young blog but somehow I'm sure that it'll end with her asking you to murder her husband or with you handing over your banking information. Careful out there, not every blogger loves you as much as I do . . . and that's really scary.

"Spring in January?!?"

The benefits of Global warming and how JoCo will someday (soon) become beach front property.

To build a dream on

Initially, I thought a recent prize for KC was an award to local thugs for pushing the murder rate to outrageous levels last year but the honor is actually for excellence in public/private partnerships. Again, I thought this referred to something like loft & condo development and all of the city's ankle grabbing but actually the award is for work done to "accelerate and improve the city'’s approach to constructing roads, buildings, storm water projects and other infrastructure." And that justdoesn't make sense at all because I haven't seen much progress on this front but then again I don't live in a loft or a condo. There are more potholes than ever in this town, all the roads are closed downtown and Country Club Kay wants you to take care of the city's storm water projects for yourself.

"Should Johnson and Wyandotte counties unify?"

I'm not sure, JoCo screws so many neighboring counties it's hard to say if they should settle down with just one county.

Greg Reeves Celebrates Diversity (hates Arabs too)

You know why I read Crime Scene KC? No, I really don't care about crime stats from Overland Park or all of the "quirky" news items and bland commentary. And Greg Reeves really isn't that much of a writer and doesn't have many interesting thoughts to convey.

I read Crime Scene KC so I can find out about all the brown people in the city committing crime and where they live. Recently, Greg profiled a Kuwaiti UMKC student who has been indicted on charges of counterfeiting. As he normally does, Greg shows off the photo of a brown person in trouble with the law but then he really gets into his job (nullus) and posts the address of the man in question.

That's really responsible journalism from our daily paper. With their newish entry in the blogoshpere . . . The KC Star managed to break a rule that most 14 year-old bloggers know to be careful with: Avoid giving out personal information whether it's yours or somebody you know.

Even better, since the student is Arab this obviously awakens suspicions about terrorism (in my mind at least) so Greg just put the guy's address on the web and on the Star's front page so any nutjob out there could pay the guy's friends or loved ones a visit. Nice work, my man. Not only is this stupid but it's dangerous. Clearly, Greg is out there waging the war against terrorism and brown people on his own front. Incidentally, the war against terrorism and brown people is the same thing as far as Reeves, Bill O'Reilly and Lou Dobbs are concerned.

And while I've tried to withhold judgment I'm now ready to just come out and type it:

In my opinion, KC Star blogger Greg Reeves is a racist bastard. How do I know? We can smell our own. Not that I'm defending the suspect, I never liked the Arabs at UMKC not only because they had way more money than me (which we now know might be counterfeit) but also because their food stunk like ass and bacon, apparently they don't have eyebrow tweezers in the Middle-east and they all played the same Young MC CD from 1989 in their nice ass cars in the parking lot. Oh, and I normally think all Arabs are terrorists but I'm ahead of my time in that respect because that notion didn't just occur to me after 9/11; I've been thinking that since about '79 when I was 5 years old.

Rather than speak about issues of race honestly, he hides behind the Star's registration wall and claims that he only post pics of Black people that he's provided by the cops but damn if his writing isn't crisp and clever as hell when he describes all the Blacks, Mexicans and now Arabs that are in jail. So, in that sense maybe the guy isn't that bad of a writer after all . . . at least when he's covering something he enjoys. Whether it's the crusade of kilt wearing fat boy high school students and the defending the rights of white people or celebrating the demise of people with too much melanin in their skin and accents Greg Reeves is at his best portraying minorities in this town at their worst.

Bitch Slap Baby Blunt on Election Day

From and e-mail just sent my way: "Jay Nixon, Democratic candidate for Governor in Missouri, has launched the Nixon for Governor website and invites all Missourians to surf the interactive site at www.nixonforgovernor.com"

This isn't a photo from the website but it should be. I'm not really a Jay Nixon supporter but I'd vote for Charles Manson before I'd vote for this state's favorite crooked smile son.

Funny, I don't think this is the kind of endorsement Nixon's campaign (or whoever) thought they would get when they sent me the link to this page.

Running on Empty

Local blogger Dan contends that "All politicians at all levels and of all party affiliations start their careers with a blend of idealism and ego."

And a desperate desire to avoid real work.

Local blogger Dan has a buddy running for office. I've known a few people running for political posts as well and I always think that I'm that guy from The Dead Zone and I'm confronted with the next Hitler or Stalin but no one knows it yet . . . usually I'm thinking this and doing a poor job of pretending to pay attention. Anyway, I'm always tempted to punch them for all the horrible things they're gonna do in the future. Coincidentally, I always wonder the same thing about babies . . . in my mind's eye every newborn child is either a potential Hilter or Ryan Seacrest (same thing).

Robber Battles Clerk for Beer

Suspected arrested, beer recovered, Bush years not looking so good after all.

Incidentally, the guy was trying to steal a 12 pack of Bud . . . which means the suspect is a snob since I think they've started paying people to take home cases of MGD.

Students Accused of Selling Guns

Finally, students in KC are learning marketable skills.

The King is Dead

In this week's issue of The Pitch, C.J. Janovy recounts the now infamous public blunder made by Katheryn Shields as she compared herself to MLK.

Shields may be innocent of whatever the FBI was investigating, but she ought to be locked up for committing a crime of massive arrogance on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

The article details the many ways that white people ruined the holiday. But then again, white people ruin a lot of the stuff they steal from Black people including rock, rap and Kanye West.

Keep it legal

A KCK politico wants to raise the driving age to 18. He tried the same thing earlier and didn't get any support but recently AAA released a report concluding that between 1995 and 2004, 15- to 17-year-old drivers were involved in 1,044 fatalities in Missouri and 470 in Kansas. So the thing might actually make some headway. Fine with me.

There are many benefits to raising the driving age limit and the not the least of which is distinguishing what is legal in terms of white woman ass. Actually, this isn't really a big deal for me because I've been on a MILF kick lately but I have a few friends who I don't want to see in jail (because I'm sure they can't keep their mouth shut).

Anyway, because nearly every white girl past puberty dresses like a complete whore, it's important to have other visible indicators of age. A college ID is usually good enough but we can't all manipulate rocket scientists (or even English majors) so if only 18 year olds were allowed to drive . . . that would be a plus.

Like I mentioned, I'm not worried about dating underage women because I check ID's and I've always had a preference for asses that took decades of hard living and possibly childbirth to cultivate (think Anna Nicole) but I know how society/the man just loves to lock up minorities who aren't as bright as I am just for falling victim to skanky white underage girls who are trained to be hookers by MTV, fashion magazines and their mothers.

Local Blogger has a run-in with Dave Barry

You see, this story would have had a completely different ending if it would have been me who had a run-in with Dave Barry. You would have seen a significant scuffle on the news with screaming white people running everywhere. The police would have shown up and you might have caught a glimpse of a crazy Latino yelling "That shit ain't funny!" while being dragged into a paddy wagon. Additionally, while I love listening to KMBZ, I can't hear the call letters without having an overwhelming urge to bitch slap Jerry Agar with a 7 layer burrito for his short sighted and ignorant views about immigration.

But local blogger Katy is a nice woman so instead we all can enjoy her wonderful photos and her heartfelt admiration for this country's most beloved humor columnist. Additionally, the encounter made it on to Barry's blog as well.

Take heed bloggers and writers alike, leaving the house just might be good for you after all . . . a special thanks to Katy for letting me know about the link. Her blog is pretty awesome and a hell of lot nicer than this place.

KCPD gets a clue

The KCPD found a bunch of guns they weren't even looking for after they recently drained a small lake near Blue Valley Park near 24th Street and Topping Avenue. The lake offered up four handguns, a rifle and a double-barreled shotgun but unfortunately did not relinquish the mighty Excalibur.

However, the police said that they did find a clue related to a murder investigation but didn't identify the object they found or specify the case to which it was connected. However, I'm sure they made some kind of forward progress. Because if they just wanted to waste time and mislead people they could just go to a KC Crime Commission meeting instead of spending their time in a muddy lake bed.

Cold as Ice

A local fund drive seeks to raise $30 million for the KC Zoo. The campaign could bring a penguin exhibit to this town's money pit. Area homeless are encouraged to start working on their penguin costumes.

"Life ain't nothing but bitches and money"

As if to say "Like a cheap whore (i.e. most women) we're totally out to suck on the penis of anybody with a billion dollars" the Star writes a love letter to Lamar Hunt today. The opening paragraph of this story reads more like a biography than news.

The 73-year-old Hunt stayed 19 hours at the Lathrop & Gage law firm until almost 5 a.m. Tuesday. He then headed to his Arrowhead Stadium apartment for a 90-minute catnap before returning before 8 a.m. to complete the lease negotiations between the Chiefs, the Royals and Jackson County.

Just before noon, with his cane in hand, Hunt arrived at the Jackson County Courthouse in downtown Kansas City and took command of a jubilant lease-signing ceremony.

You can be sure that the Star employees were there throwing rose pedals in his path as he made his way to the meeting.

The article continues to "report" the lease agreement in glowing terms but the point of the story is this:

The signing meant legislators could call an April sales-tax election to overhaul the county-owned Arrowhead and Kauffman stadiums - and they did that quickly Tuesday, the deadline for putting items on the ballot.

Which is to say that all of this manufactured hype by the Star means virtually nothing. This thing was pushed on the ballot at the last minute because local politicos don't want to give anybody a chance to voice concerns over the sweetheart deal they have handed to our two local loser sports franchises. Additionally, it won't matter that much when the people of Kansas City vote the thing down because there is no way anybody in Jackson county could justify spending more than half a billion dollars to line the pockets of David Glass and Lamar Hunt. Look around at our schools, roads and the increasing violence in our neighborhoods and tell me this money is best spent making sure that we have a couple of mediocre teams who will never win a championship.

And ultimately, the teams will leave this town. But KC voters shouldn't feel guilty about this because it's the fault of every Johnson County fan (vampire) who didn't vote for bi-state funding. The fact that we have throngs of fans who live outside of County lines but still want broke ass Jackson County to pay for their entertainment is not only disgusting but also the biggest example of white welfare that these Republican freeloaders would not dare acknowledge. So let the teams leave . . . I'm sure all of the blonde skanks in this town can find other Black guys to smack them around. The only people who will miss our local losing teams are the County officials who seem to be at their mercy and the employees of the Star who have never met an ass of a billionaire that they didn't want to kiss.

Blunt administration wants to sell Missouri's student loan agency

Basically, it'll mean higher student loan rates but Baby Blunt never had to worry about anything like that since his Daddy took care of his education. Yes, I know he went to the Naval Academy but I'm sure daddy made it possible. Damn, I hate that guy . . . both of 'em.

Local Pasta company's stock falls 41%

This is what happens when you "cook" the books or trust Italians.

Fire department relocates some resources

Condoms, digital camera, breath mints, list of excuses for wives and lube will now be located away from the entrance of local fire stations.

Kansas City Hospice offers volunteer training

Just in case you were out of practice in crying and being scared shitless of cancer.

Star's owner considers cuts in staff, benefits

Here are some suggestions:

Steve Penn

That is all. Okay, Greg Reeves too but only because both of us are committed to affirmative action.

Royals, Chiefs sign leases

While you can prepare to sign away your first born to our local sports team or at least the money that you would have used to pay to raise the child.

Reardon: WyCo/KCK will make lower property taxes priority

A tale of two cities: One has a Mayor with some decent ideas while KCMO is stuck with a nasty old cheerleader who can't wait to bend over backwards for real estate developers.

Police: Man Accused in Death of Cohort Shot by Victim

This town is disgusting. KCTV 5 reports that police have arrested a man who was shot and wounded, allegedly while trying to hold up a woman for gold rims. Who knew that a "rim job" could be so violent. I might have assumed that people who were in to that sort of thing would be a bit more relaxed.

A cure for Claire

Democratic Senate candidate Claire McCaskill wants Missourians to vote for a proposed constitutional amendment that would protect stem cell research and treatments in the state. Obviously, nobody told her that there is no cure for bitch.

Additionally, you can spot a woman in hope of a miracle wrinkle cure a mile away. Usually by her crow's feet. Somebody should tell her to wait for the science that people hope that baby juice stem cells with bring forth. I'm not sure that sweeping down from her broomstick and stealing babies in the night and then subsequently eating them is going to help her that much.

KC Police Study Homicide Trends Of 2005

48 homicides last year are still unsolved. The cops vote in a block so don't expect any politico to put pressure on them.

Mother Accused Of Endangering Baby While Drunk

That's a little harsh. Maybe it was an important lesson on the necessity of a designated driver. You're never too young to learn.

"Today a young Black man and a Mexican family saved my life and put socks on my baby's cold little feet."

A lost kid turns up unharmed in KC. This kind of item doesn't make the news often but it should. A great story and a good read.

The Kansas City Star reduced the size of its Sunday comics section

Those of us in search of a laugh are now forced to read even more of their opinion section.

How she ended up in KC

This extensive post by a local blogger recounts the journey that brought her to KC.

Whereas I'm pretty sure I came to this town via a broken condom, a six pack and Santana on the radio.

Four years of blogging

Give this woman a hand, a read and maybe some carpal tunnel medication. Congratulations to this local blogger for her dedication to creating something far more interesting that the B.S. provided by the corporate media.

A Helping Hand

If you're thinking about doing something nice for somebody don't bother giving a stripper or a hooker (same thing) an extra 20 bucks. Instead you could help out The Good Samaritan Project. Local blogger Doug describes the damage to the organization's office by both fire and firefighters.

One of the most amazing aspects of the whole tragedy was the firefighters.....hysterical ! ! ! Not only did the entire KCFD show up (seriously, 4 trucks and 16 fighters for an office dumpster/deck fire). Anyway, these guys obviously hadn't been called on in a while and had some serious pent up aggression and boredom. These dudes went total commando, axing up and demolishing everything in sight. Just knocking out and soaking everything, they were like kids let out for recess after being chained down at their desks all day. They did more damage than the fire did ! ! !

Obviously, they need your help and it's for a good cause . . . Unlike most of the other crap you buy, contributing to this cause might actually work toward silencing the voice of that dead hooker that's in your head constantly driving you crazy and making every second of your life racked with guilt, remorse and anger . . . But maybe that's just me. Forget I mentioned it. In fact, you better forget it if you know what's good for you and for heaven's sake stay away from my backyard with that shovel.

(Kidding, there is no way I would ever kill a hooker. They couldn't make any money for me if they were dead. However, if you see a ho walking around with a limp don't ask me any questions.)

"It's damn fuckin hard to be this witty and handsome all the fuckin time."

The author of Death's Door is the only blogger in KC who can get away with posting something like this. The rest of us simply have to rely on photos of cats and bitching about TV when we're short for material.

"26th Street"

East side real estate isn't exactly booming. However, this post contains a neat shot of a nice house that doesn't have a condo or loft next to it. Single family homes and neighborhoods . . . Remember those? KC was once full of them . . . now we're all full of something else with this condo garbage.

New Blog: General Blather

Actually, she's a nurse and not a General. And her blog is quite good and not just blather at all. So much for truth in advertising. Go read.

Pole Position

A rural Missouri man proves that Brokeback Mountain isn't completely a work of fiction and reports a neighboring unlicensed strip club to the authorities. Seriously, is there any guy who didn't see this story and yell "douchebag!" at the screen? A strip club in the backyard is pretty much the dream of every homeowner who doesn't have a uterus and it's what makes the Playboy mansion so cool. Years later the guy who turned reported the club is going to discover that he had some kind of testosterone deficiency and beat the shit out of his doctor for not discovering it earlier.

Town Topics: Undercover of the night

• Instead of joining Oprah's Book Club the suburban housewives of Blue Valley are hard at work ensuring that their kids won't read thought provoking literature. These women are also writing on the book on how to make sure nobody would ever want to fuck them.


• Following the ever-changing stadium plan that's soon to be on the ballot is worse than playing three card Monty. There's a lot of action but in the end you know you're gonna lose.


• KCPD responds to a call over grape jelly, no crime or doughnuts to be found.


• "The United States: a branded nation" - UMKC student shows that she has learned to mindlessly repeat her professors in this insipid opinion column. The link isn't exactly news but rather a regular report in an ongoing series on dumbass college brats.

Blogger Backtalk: Eating Out

• "Barbecue is to Kansas City as _____ is to Detroit. Good question." I'm guessing the answer is not murder.


• "President Bush made a good choice going with the Republican-friendly Manhattan and K-State."


• Local blogger Heidi completed her degree. Congratulations!


• This local blog post about a young woman eating pulled pork at a gas station is not nearly as dirty as I would have liked.

In the name of Love

There are many definitions of blasphemy but I found a pretty decent one on a website dedicated to religious tolerance (of which I have little).

Blasphemy: Swearing in the name of God, denying the existence of God, saying evil things about God, asserting incorrect beliefs about God, etc. One religion's affirmation of their God is another religion's blasphemy about their God.

Obviously, most definitions of blasphemy don't apply to saying "God damn it" or shouting "Jesus Christ" when you stub your toe. At least, I don't feel guilty about it but your mileage may vary. I think including those crude expressions as the equivalent to blasphemy is the end result of taking very nice, but very prude, little old white ladies too seriously.

Now, I don't know what you think and I don't care but I'm getting really sick of President Bush claiming that the will of God is behind the war in Iraq. He repeated the same blasphemous statement during his recent speech at KSU to a bunch of people who weren't smart enough to get into a decent University. Incidentally, it's clear that Bush doesn't have much faith because he won't appear anywhere without a significant military presence and clear Red State bias.

Personally, I find it hard to believe that God wanted more than 2,000 U.S. soldiers dead along with thousands more Iraqi men, women and children. Additionally, many Iraqis would rather follow the rule of the clerics so it's a good thing that the U.S. realized this and started putting the clerics on the payroll. Bribery, torture and dropping bombs on people are all effective means of persuasion but I wouldn't exactly call it God's work.

Thing is, when people start saying that "God" is the reason that they're doing something which happens to involve more than a few people dying in the process then that's a pretty good indication that they're a tyrant or completely insane. The sons of the South thought they were fighting for God and they lost and a bevy of Christian bands rock out for God and they obviously suck like most with Christian music along with Kirk Franklin's garbage. Using God to justify any goal is just plain wrong. Christianity prospered under monarchies and the rise of Democracy and religious freedom has seemingly brought about the decline of Christianity in the West.

I don't know who God wants to win the war in Iraq or if He cares at all. But I'm not gonna take the word of the Bush Administration just because Dick Cheney has more money than God and Bush wants to spy on everybody so he'll know more secrets than God . . . God damn, the only thing that's clear from Bush's rhetoric is that he wants as much power as God and he needs God-like devotion from his followers.

KC's 'Lost-dog rapist'

Unfortunately, this perv molested kids and not lost dogs. Actually, sexually molesting lost dogs may violate Scruffy's Law but it's more humane than the fate offered to mutts by the Koreans.

Women make up an increasing percentage of deer hunters in Missouri

Women are more likely to hunt primarily for food . . . in much the same way that they marry primarily for money. Killing for pleasure is simply an added bonus but not a top concern, just like blowjobs after the honeymoon.

Poll: Blunt behind Nixon

I always suspected as much. But I bet Nixon will also get behind Blunt as the election heats up.

Missouri politics is not just broken, it's Brokeback. They don't mention the size of the poll but I'm sure it will be a huge election in the end. Come election day, the people of this state will pound the polls . . . and other dirty stuff as well.

Party all the time

KCK cops crash a party and are subsequently accused of racism. Normally, I simply accuse party crashers of cock blocking. However, there are accusations that the cops used the N-word and didn't even have the courtesy to do it under their breath as they normally do. Still, I didn't know that listening to bad music was a civil right and I find it hard to believe that brazenly racist cops didn't have the wherewithal to find work in one of KC's better paying neighboring communities.

Finally, I don't think it's a typo but one of the young women in the article is actually named TyEisha and the capitalization is part of the name. For that alone, all of her relatives deserve to have their ass kicked.

More Breaking News from Downtown Kansas City

My favorite film of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life." I know this is a cheesy pick for somebody as cynical, heartless, mean, gully and Latino as myself but I've always enjoyed laughing at white people's pain. Additionally, it's a pretty hardcore movie as far as X-mas films go. The movie starts off with the main character wanting to commit suicide. Then he gets his angsty, teenage, goth-like wish that he was never born and some crazy shit starts to go down.

The old whore he used to lust after becomes an even bigger whore, his wife becomes an "old maid" (single woman over 24) and he subsequently tries to rape her. Finally, he gets to feel what it's like to be a minority as a cop fires a shot at him in the middle of the street for no good reason. The money line in the surprisingly cynical film is spoken when George Bailey comes home to his loving family and says: "Why do we have to have all these kids?"

During one of the slower moments of the movie, right before my main man George rips the clothes off his sweetheart and sexually harasses her while her naked ass is out in the bushes African style, the couple is throwing rocks at a dilapidated house.

Contest: First person to name the house in the comments section gets a big fat link tomorrow.

Anyway, they throw a rock, break some glass and make a wish. Turns out that the homeless bums and other vagrants in KC are also breaking lots of windows in the equally dilapidated and nearly impassable downtown area. We all know that after 5 downtown is (and always will be) a ghost town and there isn't anybody to stop the vandalism and while I don't condone any kind of criminal activity I've heard that there is a KC connection to breaking windows downtown and the classic X-mas film. In the movie, it was good luck to shatter glass and in KC I hear that Mary Sanchez, Steve Penn, Louis Duguid, Rhonda Chris Lokeman and all of the other affirmative action writers all shed a tear when a window at the new Star building turns up broken.

So, while costly acts of vandalism downtown are ultimately unproductive it's clear that they've created a stir at our local print monopoly and caused them to at least recognize one consequence of downtown "development" that emptied the area of any neighbors and has obviously left the remaining bums and vandals feeling lonely, angry and ready to lash out.

The Rolling Roof Ransom and How the Rich get Richer

What I find so disgusting about The Star's endorsement of every stupid scheme having to do with the Truman Sports Complex is that everybody knows it's a bad deal with zero chance of passing but they won't say it because they are completely beholden to the corporate crowd in this town.

The Royals must have also felt the corporate/big business push kick in because they initially didn't endorse the ridiculous rolling roof but now they are going along for the ride. This begs the question: Why does a baseball team need a rolling roof? Baseball is an outdoor sport intended to be played during the summertime and a tarp can easily take care of any problems with rain. Most of the time, we're in a drought during the summer anyway so I can't see how rain would be a concern. Additionally, the Royals are such a mediocre franchise that they don't have to worry about ever playing in October so there's no worry about keeping the cold at bay.

I've spent the entire weekend trying to figure out the right word for what's really going on with the rolling roof ransom but I still haven't found the proper terminology. While I'm sure the Germans have an expression for it, in baseball they call it a sacrifice. It's the act of deliberately bunting the ball in a manner that allows a runner on base to advance to another base, while the batter is himself put out. Strangely, it's the Chiefs who are performing this bit of trickery on the voters of KC.

Put simply, the Chiefs want out of this town.

One look at the new stadiums in the NFL would make any organization want to puke when looking at Arrowhead in comparison. Very much like having a fat wife, the thing will never be good enough no matter how dressed up or how much work it has done to it. The rolling roof is nothing more than a ridiculous pipe dream that would be physically impossible to build. Voters know this and they won't dare approve half a billion dollars when our roads, schools and communities need the money far more desperately. In the aftermath, the Chiefs will be free to go.

For some this might be sad but I could care less. Dante Hall lives very close to me but he has yet to invite me over to hang out. White people in this town love Jared Allen, but go and ask him for help with your home heating bill and listen to what he tells you. One of the most disappointing lessons in my life was learning that football is not a sport, it's a business. I can only hope that Chiefs fans and readers of the Star have seen The Godfather and know that while their feelings may be hurt as their beloved institutions sell them out that in the end "it's business, it's not personal" and the only roof you should care about is the one over the heads of your family.

Police Identify Homicide Victim

I'm not sure if muttering "some Black guy" and then speeding away to get free coffee counts as identification but I guess it'll do.

Claim: KC pasta company sought to "cook" books

OR Possibly even more proof that everything Italian is corrupt. Additionally, I never knew why they could charge so much for noodles, big hair, oily skin and attitude. The Chinese provide the same noodles for much cheaper without the bad style and with better looking (read: thinner) women.

More Metro Commuters Ride the Bus

Shortage in oil reveals there is no shortage in poor people.

Incidentally, I don't believe in any of that peak oil garbage, I just like frightening people who don't understand supply & demand and how it usually only hurts po'folk. However, I'm still thinking that I should be cremated if only to avoid some pig from Johnson County using my remains to fuel an SUV sometime in the future.

Manhattan Awaits President's Arrival

Strange, I'm eagerly awaiting his departure from office. The end of his term just can't get here quick enough for me. Condoleezza in '08 bitches!

Back that thang up

Because I was much too busy last week masturbating to Internet porn, I missed two of the biggest stories on the local radar.

Last week brought news that West Edge construction underway thanks to Bob Berstein and the drama over the monstrosity/high rise condo tower proposed by Accardo family will soon kick into high gear.

And it occurs to me that these stories are indicative of "redevelopment" in this city. There is lots of hype surrounding construction projects but in the end it all amounts to shady business dealings with Jews and Italians. Normally, these are the kind of people you want to stay away from if you don't want end up trouble with the law, swindled out of all your money or in the trunk of a car.

Additionally, I have no qualms about dissing the Tall Israelis and spaghetti eaters because, like all people doing construction work in KC, they don't hire minorities (read: Blacks and Mexicans). So I guess it doesn't really concern me that KC is putting its trust in the kind of people I normally try to avoid.

"A bit of sadness at seeing him grow so far beyond his cozy home in Kansas City"

Local blogger Dan shares a letter from his son who is visiting India. The post contains lots of great photographs as well. Whereas if I want to find poverty, disease, brown people and slave wages I can just visit the East side of KC.

"Since the Chiefs can't seem to make it to the Super Bowl in my lifetime"

Root for the Steelers. My uncle Jack has lived in KC for more than 30 years and he still considers Pittsburgh his team . . . which nowadays seems like a pretty good decision.

Capitol Dome in Topeka Reopens

The dome hasn't been open since the 60's. A very smart guy once told me there is an underground tunnel to the mason lodge across the street and somehow I think the 296 steps means something other than the fact that many fat assed Kansans probably won't be able to enjoy the tour.

The KC Star: Athletic Supporters

Today The Star offers two glowing editorials regarding the rolling roof and the stadium leases intended to keep the Royals and Chiefs in town.

The first column calls KC acquiescence to the demands of the Chiefs and the rolling roof that looks like a scrapped prop from Lost in Space a "good deal." Never mind that this "good deal" has both the Chiefs and Royals paying far less than league averages for stadium upgrades.

The second column touts so-called perks that the average KC resident will never see and naive notions that won't ever be honored by the teams. If the folks in charge of The Sprint Center aren't paying for cost overruns (already $30 million in the hole) then I don't see how we're gonna hold the sports teams to any kind of standard. And as far as giving Jackson County residents preference on tickets, parking and concessions . . . Clearly, half a billion dollars should buy a lot more than a discount on popcorn and a decent parking space.

What's evident is that the staff of the Star doesn't mind paying the extra dollar user charge for tickets and that's good. However, since most employees on the payroll of that publication live in Johnson County, they aren't gonna be stuck with the more significant portion of the bill. Once again, Kansas City's monopolistic rag touts mindless development and construction that simply doesn't make financial sense for the citizens of KC proper. They would know that if they lived here.

Thanks for reading

As always thank you for reading this week. Like a junkie, every hit is important to me. And like a passive-aggressive woman I note every comment. This was a great week for traffic so I just wanted to send a shout out to all of you who have linked and loyally read.

Law schools judged on their racial mix

However, they are amply supplied with scumbags so there's no need for a quota in that circumstance. Additionally, the article reports that UMKC is the whitest schools in the country . . . which is odd because usually that means it's one of the best but not in this case.

KCPD soon to saddle up

Obviously, the film "Brokeback Mountain" had a tremendous impact on the KCPD. Police Chief Jim Corwin is now making an effort to put the local cops on horseback. The effort is billed as a way to improve community relations but I'm pretty that since the KCPD has it's fair share of cowboys it's simply an effort to be a little bit more honest with the public.

Additionally, I think this might be a good idea because it displays the level of sophistication of our local police force who have had so much trouble engendering trust in the community that they now must turn to PR tactics and hokey commercials. So giving the cops horses is an apt idea, we might as well arm them with whips too.

Two killings recorded just hours apart in KC

KC crooks making up for lost time.

Another loser on board

The Royals are now endorsing the rolling roof.

Small venues have big payoffs for KC music lovers

The local music scene has whores, drugs, liquor, hipsters and groupies . . . now all it needs is some decent music.

A column by our beloved Baby Boy Matt Blunt

Surprisingly, it's not written in crayon.

Rolling Roof For Stadiums Could Cost $200 Million

An idea so bad, I'm surprised it didn't come out of the head of 4-12 Herman Edwards.

"Sprint Freezes Pension Plan"

A cold chill goes up the spine of everybody in Johnson County.

Firefighters love pussy

Local firefighters save a cat trapped in a sewer and probably earn yet another story with which they can regale their groupies.

"18th and Vine photopost"

A great look at the last remnants of a long ago era when the hip, young Black guys in this town were proficient with instruments other than the semi-automatic.

"January Is Weak"

I've been thinking the same thing but every year I've thought it was gonna be a mild winter, I've had that thought come and bite me in the ass under a couple of feet of snow. Katie Horner can kiss my ass.

"Is anyone else tired of 50 cent?"

This local blogger has no love for the biggest thing in rap since bullets.

NYC's NEW MURDER MAMI

NY's Dallas Penn could be the best NY writer since Jimmy Breslin. In this post he takes apart all of the fawning and empty sentiment paid to a young victim of murder in the big apple. KC residents can relate to this post because it's pretty much a rehashing of the Precious Doe case only on a bigger scale. If the corporate media creates this kind of circle jerk with no critical insight whatsoever, it's the job of bloggers to burst the bubble of softcore reporting and analysis . . . Dallas Penn Does it with a vengeance.

Food Vendors Need To keep Their Distance

A new ordinance calls for food vendors to stay at least 50 feet away from any established restaurant and to display a special vendor certificate. That would show the vendor's city business license and a health department permit. However, all of this won't bring us any closer to comprehending what in the hell goes into hot dogs.

Local Woman on American Idol Goes From Homeless to Hollywood

I don't think the story is that remarkable . . . going from a homeless person to being a whore isn't that strange . . . even if it's a just a media whore.

The Sheriff with Star Power

I've always thought that most campaign ads on TV are remarkably contrived and uninspired but now it seems that a few of them might violate ethical boundaries beyond merely good taste.

A complaint filed in Washington by the Office of Special Counsel accuses Jackson County Sheriff Tom Phillips of asking employees to appear in a commercial for Democrat Claire McCaskill when she was running for governor in 2004.

Phillips says the complaint is "without merit" and I might have to agree. Who doesn't want to be on TV? Camera time is kick ass and probably any opportunity a law enforcement official has to be on TV without being directly involved with persecuting a minority is a bonus for us all.

Let it Roll

Today, the only thing worth reading in the massive waste of paper they call The Star is all of the insider scoop regarding the rolling roof proposal over Arrowhead. I won't pretend to understand anything more than the fact it's a dumb, antiquated idea and only a diehard construction cheerleader would support such a thing.

As far as the "perks" for Jackson County residents . . . that's nothing more than propaganda. The Chiefs fans all come from the nearby white suburb (utopia) of Johnson County. Discounts on season tickets aren't really worth it unless they allow me to personally swipe them out of the hands of all the JoCo peeps who already own the bulk of the seats.

As far as the "use" tax . . . I don't know if this refers to smokes, liquor or the infinitesimal amount of porn that isn't bought and sold on the Internet. I would think for the kind of money they're asking we could all get to "use" some of the Chiefs cheerleaders.

Anyway, I almost want this thing to go through . . . it could be a kind of monument to how horribly "Pwned" this town is by corporate interests.

Local murder rate is draining

Kansas City Homicide Detectives order city crews to drain Blue Valley Lake at East 24th Street and Topping Avenue in order to find clues regarding a recent homicide. Apparently, the KCPD is getting sick of arresting Black people in connection with local murders and have moved on to blaming the creature from the Black Lagoon. I always suspected that bastard in the first place.

Pile of Railroad Ties Burns in Kansas City; Thick Smoke Seen For Miles

OR Local live entertainment just got an upgrade. You know you're a cowtown when the local tire fire makes the news.

Person Shot To Death At 80th, Troost

I think this year's murder rate will more closely resemble a calm steady crawl toward a ridiculous number rather than last year's more manic pace. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Big Sinkhole Opens At Grand, Gregory

For awhile I thought this link was a story about an old girlfriend but then I remember she moved to Lee's Summit.

Rolling Roof Plan Unveiled In Chiefs' Lease

And outdated and expensive proposition is just one of the half a billion reasons to say no to this scheme . . . even if it might be the only way KC will ever see a Superbowl.

Man Sneaks Into Women's Restroom

When women go into Men's restrooms it's cute and evidence of what whores they are . . .

"On Bin Laden, or Why knee-jerk reactions make you stupid"

This is the most thoughtful post on the reemergence of Osama you'll read in print today everything else just seems recycled from talk radio. From Lawrence blog "Thoughts from Kansas."

"If a society is judged on how it treats its children and elderly, we're fucked."

What a drag it is getting old . . . a thoughtful post from local blog Thou Shall Not Suck.

"Adventures on My Space"

Local blogger Rusty is addicted to MySpace.com. It sounds pretty fun and less likely to lead to herpes like Craigslist. I lurve the Internets.

"sweatin the small stuff"

Some people live for the weekend. I live for this post from Death's Door.

Cowboys are Ghey

I finally got a chance to see Brokeback Mountain last night. The overriding thought that I came away with was that I'd feel like a homosexual if I had that kind of unconditional love for a woman let alone some cowpoke (ewwwwww). And frankly, I didn't have any trouble at all believing that cowboys were gay. I'd always suspected as much. The quiet demeanor, the smoking and the high heels boots are a dead giveaway.



Now Native Americans . . .Those are some dudes who are definitely not the ghey. Everybody knows they love liquor and fry bread way more than any kind of ass.

Kansas City Music Weekend Show Picks from the EventDriver

More show info and links,
check in if you're goin out...
at the URL above:

Patti Austin at The Midland...
Ron Carter at The Gem...
Metal Wars at Davey's Uptown...
Trampled Under Foot at Knuckleheads...
4 Fried Chickens & A Coke at McBrides...
The Zeros at The Brooksider...
Valentine at the Pubhouse...

Chiefs preseason training has already begun!

Chiefs defensive back Greg Wesley was arrested by police early Thursday after he allegedly threatened to punch a bouncer at (plaza ass fest club) Blonde.

Obviously Wesley isn't serious about his preseason training. If he was really working out on a level that's expected from the Chiefs he would have simply punched one of the local skanks showing their ass off at Blonde.

However, it's a little early in the season for this kind of incident. The Chiefs usually don't start their string of bar fights and bitch slapping until training camp. I guess this guy is just a little cranky. I know what would cheer him up. $500 million from the city's coffers. Yep, while a half a billion dollars might not put an end to the Chiefs off field antics at least we can ensure that they'll be here to kick our ass for many years to come. Still, I wish they were as rough on the field.

Saunders Takes Off. Coordinator Job With Redskins

Apparently, our team name wasn't offensive enough. Actually, this is a good move for him and a bad one for the Chiefs. Carl should have hired this guy instead of his old college roommate or whatever . . . expect next season to be fun or at least funny with all the crazy quotes and tantrums we're sure to enjoy from Herman's head.

Your Feets Too Big

I have this thing about feet . . . I think they're completely fucking ugly. There are a few deluded women out there who think they have cute feet and show them off. The display is more laughable and disgusting than plus-sized lingerie. Recently, a KCK woman put her big ass, ugly feet to use when she faced attack in her garage. The woman used her size nine shoe to fight off the armed robbers.

They pointed guns at her, she told KCTV5 News, and demanded money, so she reached for the only thing she could find - her shoe - and smacked one of the men in the face.

"I laid on the horn and I popped (him) right in the face," she said.

Thankfully, in this case a woman's disgusting and oversized feet served a useful purpose in providing her with the heavy artillery to counterattack a couple of crooks. Size 9 . . . damn lady! I bet she saves money not having to buy waterskis.

"Ejaculate from the penis of knowledge"

Only a few weeks into the year and Death's Door already wins the award for the best title for a local blogger post. Damn.

Lesson from Katrina: Include pets in disaster plan

As a possible source of food.

"Welcome to the Superstar Economy"

This B-School blogger looks at the future of wage earners in this country. Will the "top talent" take home all the rewards? I'm sure it depends whether or not an Indian "Superstar" can do your job for less.

A recovering Cath-aholic

Local comedian Kurt Ramos shares his thoughts about swallowing our savior. This "more than symbolic" gesture creeps out all non Catholics but also give biblical import to the phrase "Eat Me."

KU Ph.D. Student Studies Impact of Music Education on Performing Prison Inmates

A men's chorus combining voices of minimum-security inmates from Lansing Correctional Facility and volunteer singers from the Kansas City area is breaking ground in music education, according to Mary L. Cohen, University of Kansas doctoral student in music education from Lenexa, who is researching prison choirs.

Additionally, the study also provides more evidence that you don't wanna go to prison because it's full of singing ghey men that will ass rape you.

Urban hospital to offer fewer services

This headline is unfair. The most important service of "urban" hospitals is to provide minorities and po'folk a place to die. As long as they're providing that service, I doubt many people will notice a change.

Isle of Capri Expanding

The Isle of Capri is expanding. It seems as if KC's boat that caters to this town's minorities is profiting from the lack of understanding of basic math, statistics and probability among the populace of the mud people. Put simply, all casino odds are based on payouts over INFINITY. If you had an infinite supply of cash, then you'd get back a 99% payout on slots, decent odds at Blackjack and a chance of screwing one of the whores carrying drinks.

Tseng Will Soon Learn If Tried as Adult

While most women in suburbia are hopelessly child like and naive, a judge will soon rule whether or not that fact can beat a murder rap.

Lenexa Woman Pleads No Contest To Killing Toddler

"No Contest" is right. I doubt a toddler could put up much of a fight at all.

Cell Phone Peeper Pleads Guilty

Silly perv, only corporations and the Bush Administration can violate privacy.

Out of Luck in Lenexa

While the prospect of an Asian guy getting a beatdown may seem hilarious, I don't condone it. What's more funny is that white people think they can move away from crime and live in peaceful communities far away from the darkies while keeping their money and women safely tucked away. And while East KC continues to be one of the biggest shitholes in the four state area the illusion of safety rests merely a 20 minute car ride away. Until now.

Last night two armed men robbed the Joy Luck Chinese Restaurant in Lenexa. The crooks in question were (typically) two gun-wielding Black guys who gave the restaurant owner a smackdown in exchange for the money in the register. The crime seems similar to a recent bank robbery in Leawood where a couple of bank tellers were offered a beating in exchange for a fast cash withdrawal at gunpoint. Again, (and again and again) the suspects in that crime were armed Black guys as well.

Willie Sutton once said that the reason he robbed banks was because "that's where the money is" and the same thing applies to suburban crime. If 9/11 proved anything (probably not) it's that there is no such thing as an island of prosperity. It's a round world . . . meaning what comes around goes around. From home invasions to petty theft, crime and minorities (same thing) will invariably find their way to the golden ghetto in search of a score. And the truth is that most suburban cops couldn't catch a cold. In the case of the suburban bank robbers, the FBI is on the case. And I'm not completely sure that smacking an Asian person is a crime so I don't know what will happen to the Chinese food bandits.

Still, East side KC crime is like a filthy public urinal . . . there is bound to be some splashback. The consequence of not dealing with crime in KC proper is that it not only spreads but also inspires other crooks as well. Obviously, the suburbs are not as safe as white folks once suspected and we all know that crime against white people (or in their vicinity) is the only kind that's important and worth stopping. And while I don't advocate any kind of crime whatsoever, from my vantage it's hard not to look at the recent spat of suburban crime as some kind of karma or at least a strange form of reparations.

Westport Intersection Plans Hit a Snag

"So now nothing's going to change, at least in the short-term."

Inadvertently, Fox4 News discovers the most important axiom that encompasses most problems in Kansas City.

$3M To Settle Chase Lawsuit

Putting the public at risk with dangerous high speed car chases: Priceless.

Start'em Young

A 12-year-old boy was recently sentenced in Wyandotte County Juvenile Court Wednesday for a carjacking in August 2005. And this has me thinking that jail is probably cheaper than child care nowadays . . . at least for parents. So keeping your thug ass kids in line should no longer be concern . . . not that it was in the first place. Whether it's prison or foster homes, the state will take care of your kids.

And while I think that the prospect of a roving band of child thieves is yet another example of how this country is moving closer to a third world nation, it's also quite funny and would be a really great setting for a reality show. Additionally, you could pay the kids in food and prozac. Everybody wins.

The Women of Olathe Need More Sex

Recently, a local woman went on a crusade to have Spencer's Gifts designated as an adult business.

That’s right, Spencer’s, probably the lamest store in the mall next to the human trash working at the “Create-a-bear” shop.

Anyway, the woman offers a lot of righteous indignation regarding her struggle and she actually manages to sound halfway credible in her twisted logic.

"You cannot be combining the pathways of children and teens and adults seeking sex toys, books, whatever, under any circumstances. It's just a dangerous thing and we can't have it."

It’s a convincing argument until you think that the “pathways” of pervs and kids cross regularly at Church and school all the time.

However, looking at the poor woman on TV gave me a thought. Somebody probably has to have sex with her. Could you imagine having to mount this bitchy woman and then pretend that you like it? Her fight against raunchy material seems especially misguided when it’s obvious that this woman is in desperate need of a sex toy.

Normally, I don’t like to make fun when the common folk end up on TV. The unintelligible minority who has just witnessed a crime is too easy a target to criticize. However, this busybody woman from Olathe exemplifies an important point.

Women don’t belong in politics.

In fact, on matters of relating the good of the community it’s important to ignore women all together. Most women will stop at nothing to ensure their happiness and it’s clear that the average female has the mindset of a dictator. They casually dismiss any opposition and they don’t really care about anybody’s rights but their own. Accordingly, paying attention to what women say is a dangerous proposition.

Recently, there has been a lot of recognition paid to women in politics. For some ungodly reason people actually care what Laura Bush has to say, which is odd because I tend to ignore librarians even when I’m in a library. And the next election looks like it could be face-off between Hillary and Condoleezza. While the prospect of two lesbians in a bitter catfight should turn me on . . . in this case it has me scared for the future of this country. When most women aren’t even trusted to control the remote control in their own homes it’s also important to completely ignore their ideas outside the kitchen in the public arena.

Jim and Virginia Stowers back stem-cell vote with their millions

Having money must be wonderful. You can tell people how to think without beating them first . . . and I'm not just referring to women either. A KC couple is religiously backing the power of baby juice stem cells not only because they are cancer survivors but also because your superstitions can't get in the way of science.

The Stowerses, who used their fortune to found the Stowers Institute for Medical Research in Kansas City, contributed $4.12 million to the initiative campaign, or 93 percent of the funds raised in support of the proposal.

Obviously, we must respect the Stowerseseseseeseseseseses' opinion because they are rich and they just might throw some cash your way. And we know that the word of rich people comes before that of your faith or your conscience . . . because you can't even buy a cup of coffee with those things.

Bloomsday returns home to Crestwood

If you can understand more than 4 words of this link then you need to have your ass kicked. Basically, Bloomsday is a trendy book store in the last remaining white enclave of KC proper that caters to people who don't like to associate with the riff-raff (like myself) who stink up Barnes and Noble and use it like a library. However, while you won't save any money shopping at the store, you will earn a sense of self-satisfaction that is nearly priceless . . . especially when compared to the books that will collect dust while doing little to make you look smart.

Another reason to adore Lovable Larry Johnson

Yesterday was a great day for Kansas City's favorite woman beater. Not only did new head coach Herman Edwards (allegedly) say that Johnson would be KC's number one running back but also the charges against Johnson for (allegedly) smacking the shit out of a woman at a Plaza nightclub were dropped.

This is really the ultimate compliment to an NFL running back. The guy is so elusive that neither opposing linebackers nor assault charges can keep hold of him. Of course, Larry's camp has maintained his innocence and I guess the incident wouldn't represent a pattern of behavior like . . . I don't know . . . maybe a follow-up to an earlier charge of slapping a woman in his home and (allegedly) threatening her with a gun during his rookie year. Surely, Larry has left this all behind him and we'll never hear of him (allegedly) harming another woman again. Right? I know the same reasoning worked for OJ and has allowed him to remain free while looking for his wife's murderers in between rounds of golf.*

*(For the record, I agreed with the OJ verdict for two reasons. 1.) Fuck you. Fuck you and you're crooked court system. I'd rather cheer for the guy and drink orange juice with my kid sister . . . really, we did that when they announced the verdict . . . than lament over a so-called injustice when a generation of minorities are held behind bars for doing pretty much the same thing that earned the Kennedy Family their millions. Bootlegging = Drug dealing.

2.) OJ was probably the best running back to ever play the game. Don't believe any of Jim Brown's bullshit.)

"Kansas City will always have issues"

This amazingly comprehensive post sums up a lot of things wrong with this town. If you read one thing about Kansas City today . . . this should be it.

Bachelor Party

Local blogger Bradley Meehan is the funniest man in Kansas City and his take on The Bachelor cracks me up. Additionally, he provides a photo of one of the whores women from The Bachelor who hails from nearby Overland Park. All of this makes me think about the different cultures in the world. Many Muslims believe that dying in the name of jihad will earn you 72 virgins in Paradise. While Americans (who know that TV is God) are offered the viewing pleasure of watching 25 skanks in Paris compete for airtime and semen. Life is give and take.

A prayer for a soldier

This local blogger offers up his prayers for a relative headed to Iraq. The soldier in question is already nursing a broken hand as he awaits deployment. The post is a great example of how many locals understand the war in Iraq and their strong commitment to those who fulfill their duty as soldiers. There is very little flag waving, talk of forging democracy in a far away region or accomplishing the goals of this Administration. Rather, the guy just prays that his relative will stay out of harm's way.

The Missouri Waltz

With the help of this local blogger, your cell phone can play our state song. Unfortunately, if you have this programmed as your ringtone . . . odds are no one is calling you.

"I will line up all of this talent to secure the African American vote for only $150K"

Politics has never been this pure. Dallas Penn has a straightforward way to pursue the Black vote.

Pot and Kettle Clash again

Howard Dean says that he's looking forward to having U.S. Rep. Roy Blunt of Missouri lead Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives. Dean made the sarcastic remark to a group of (clueless) local Democrats citing Blunt's close relationship with Tom Delay and the fact that Blunt has taken money from some of the groups which have also made contributions to Delay.

Thing is, this is just more evidence of the lack of leadership coming from the Democratic Party. People don't care about campaign finance or even bribes . . . if anything, KC politics is a testament to the fact that people really don't mind politicians making a suspiciously good living.

I like Dean because he's one of the few Democrats that has actually come out against the war in Iraq and raised important questions about Halliburton but harping on the Delay fiasco along with the Abramoff scandal just seems like whining and many voters (like myself) don't really understand why these controversies are so important. Whereas something like White House Spying story seems to scare the shit out of everyone who doesn't want their phone turned into a GOP party line.

I'm just noting that most of KC was built on corruption among Democrats so a few bucks changing hands here and there doesn't really seem like big deal. If anything I think that the attack on social services by Blunt's Baby Boy strike the locals as a more objectionable offense. We all know that politicos are in it for money and power but cutting off funds from people who need it just looks greedy.

Anyway, I like Dean because politicians should scream and spout off stupid stuff in public more often. But I just think that an illegal power grab by Bush Co. and the Republican cutting the throats of the po'folk in this state are more salient issues that require some wild banshee like screaming. Payoffs and sketchy business deals are simply par for the course.

Former Westar CEO sent to prison

The guy violated "the terms of his release pending an appeal of his bank fraud convictions." His stay in the can is pretty much a warm up for his April 3 sentencing.

I've heard of drug dealers who did a better job of laying low until their case comes up. Luckily, a lot of corporate crooks are really bad at crime.

Natalie Portman on the loose?

An armed robbery attempt in Olathe might, just might involve one of my least favorite celebrities. An interracial couple both brandishing guns (for the record, interracial couples are most likely the source of all crime) approached a mother and daughter parked in the driveway of the daughter's residence. The post I linked to doesn't mention if they got cash or not but I'm guessing the mom and her daughter drove away relatively unharmed but a little bit shaken after what was likely their first run-in with a celebrity. Luckily the victims managed to make a description to the police and the authorities have come up with a digital composite that is the spitting image of Natalie Portman.

It's not like I didn't see this coming. Portman's performance as Princess Monotone in the Star Wars movies was criminal. I feel that she and George Lucas robbed me of the price of admission to these films. On the bright side, her new hairdo just might be an improvement. Anyway, if you see Natalie Portman running around Olathe don't bother to ask for her autograph . . . not like you would anyway. Simply report her to the authorities and yell in her direction that it was probably the ass of a body double that looked so good in Closer.

State of the State Response

The author of this op-ed piece in EKC is the executive director of the Missouri Association for Social Welfare.

The short column criticizes Blunt for his Medicaid cuts, pro-business policy agenda and piecemeal increases to other social programs in the state. Whereas I believe the most pressing issue facing Baby Blunt is his inability to smile. Seriously, have you seen the guy smile in the past few years he has been governor? If I was put in office by my rich daddy's name and was an up and comer (nullus) in the Republican Party I'd have a smile from ear to ear . . . at least until the dead hooker turned up.

Woman Dragged Through Street

Local crime link surprisingly unrelated to Internet dating.

Metro North Shopper Held Up at Knifepoint

OR Eminem look-alike allegedly goes apeshit and tries to steal something other than Black culture.

Body Found in Street

He was so covered in blood so they could not confirm his race or approximate age.

Obviously, KC's recycling program has yet to find a solution to dealing with medical waste.

Sickly

In today's lesson we'll learn that teacher's unions have absolutely no power. They don't even have the wherewithal to fight for their own safety on the job.

Teachers at Central High School in the KCMO school district will lose a day's pay for a "sick-out" they conducted after Superintendent Dr. Bernard Taylor irresponsibly reinstated a student that was suspended for bringing a weapon (stun gun) to school.

As part of a "compromise" the teachers won't receive a reprimand on their personnel files. So basically, teachers in the KCMO District have about as much pull as a high school freshman with a bad case of acne.

This isn't so much a compromise as it is a response to a ransom letter. Not too long after the "sick-out" and reinstatement controversy another Central Student showed up to school with a gun and I believe it was directly related to Taylor's defense of the stun gun packing student. All high school students are little savages that will do nothing but test the limits, rules and laws under which they live. If one kid can get away with coming to school armed, it makes sense that more would try. Taylor's mishandling of the incident was yet another example of his incompetence and miscalculation.

The fact that the teachers in KCMO can't stand up for their safety should provide a valuable lesson that the district is still hopelessly mired in politics. Finally, if the antics of the school board, teacher's union and Taylor have taught you nothing else, I hope that you've learned a little bit about what happens to a district when power plays trump the safety of students and any grassroots resistance is met with threats against the "permanent record" of protestors.

You've got to believe it's getting better

Seems like you can't open a periodical in this town without somebody hyping downtown development and all of the yet to be realized benefits it will offer. The Downtown Cheerleaders Council has recently noted that downtown KC has received more than $3 billion worth of investment. Unfortunately, I haven't seen any evidence of the cash so I'm guessing it's up the skirt of our beloved Country Club Kay and no man would dare venture to find it. Still, reporters and cheerleaders search for good news on the streets of downtown which is hard nowadays because most of the streets are closed. However, I'm sure that erecting monuments to a mediocre mayor is a wise investment that will undoubtedly pay off . . . for construction companies and all of the minorities they don't employ.

Abandon all hope all ye who read Steve Penn

Steve Penn shows he doesn't know dick about crime other than the fraud he's committing by calling himself a columnist. It's too cold to kill anybody right now and this year's New Year's Eve celebrations were lame. The body count continues this year at a decent pace and it's WAY TO EARLY to suggest that East siders have grown tired of killing each other. Like nearly all of the commentary in Penn's columns, it's nothing more than wishful thinking and propaganda on behalf of his cronies.

Violent weekend leaves two dead in Kansas City

Local thugs help out bored reporters in an effort to spark some new stories during the post holiday doldrums.

Another KC Rim Job

A KCMO mom is going door to door with reward flyers on behalf of her son who was murdered for his 12k rims which were a gift from former Paseo basketball star, MU player and NBA underachiever Anthony Peeler.

That sucks to give a gift that eventually leads to someone's death. That's why I stopped buying my friends gift certificates for hookers.

Man Witnesses Murder From Apartment Window

Unfortunately, the guy doesn't stutter, eschew the advances of Grace Kelley or catch the bad guy in the end.

MU Beats KU In Overtime

Crazy weather, crazy scores and somewhere there is a college student with his head in a toilet bowl full of puke that doesn't know exactly why he's celebrating . . . still, all is right with the world. Additionally, the fact that a basketball game is one of the few instances where white people can unapologetically support Black people is a gentle reminder of how little progress the country has made on what had to be the dreariest MLK Day in recent memory. Rock Chalk Black Cock. Stick it to the wo-man. (No, I'm not high)

Killing me softly

A local karaoke contest sponsored by Harrah's Casino accomplishes an amazing feat. It actually makes the people on American Idol look like they have talent. The local singers involved in the competition are not only embarrassing but also living proof that the casinos not only rob people of their money but also their dignity.

Local blogger Rusty reviews the latest installment of the televised crap parade and provides biting commentary about the singers and audience members who should have stayed home.

"Introducing the Prayer Rug"

I was afraid that the terrorists had finally won if local blogger Brad was using a prayer rug but then I read on and discovered it was a magic, Jesus prayer rug. Ultimately, Brad was cursed for his blasphemy but he came up with a funny post . . . which is usually the way it works.

Unmoved

Yes, I know it's amazing they can move a bridge in this day and age but I can't bring myself to care. It's truly amazing and marvel of modern construction but damn if it didn't rouse one bit of feeling in me . . . and I watched the damn thing live . . . didn't bother taking a photo . . . and I have a digital camera . . . the instinct not to waste film still kicked in . . . not so surprisingly.

Hallmark To Cut Jobs In Leavenworth

Not an amazing headline but I wonder: When you get the ax from Hallmark, do they just give you the pink slip or send you a card?

New Blog: KC Wonder

I wonder what this blogger is gonna post about? I don't know but I like the blog's tagline and so far he's off to a great start.

Taking a Bath

Union Station is broke and this year they're probably going to have to hit taxpayers up for money to keep the place open. In other words, even though the place isn't a transportation hub anymore, it's still likely you'll get railroaded into paying for the heating and cooling bills of the (non) attraction if you live in KC proper . . . even if you're struggling with your own.

Union Station's operating deficit is projected at $3.5 million in 2006. The downtown development failed to find an audience and now officials are scrambling to find a viable strategy to keep the place open. Sound familiar? It should because it's been the story of pretty much every downtown development since I was a little kid. But don't worry, I'm sure The Sprint Center, The Power & Light District and other downtown developments will avoid similar fates even though they're all pretty much based on the notion that suburbanites won't mind mixing with the darkies in order to get entertainment or food that is unproven in drawing a crowd or more easily available in their own neighborhood.

Ah, but this time it's different, the residents of luxury condos will carry us all into a new age of prosperity because they like eating at chain restaurants and visiting children's museums. Right? My bad, I don't want to burst your bubble.

Home of Artist Thomas Hart Benton overlooked by visitors

"Nearly 23 years after opening to great fanfare as a state museum, the Thomas Hart Benton Home and Studio is a lonely place."

I hope all of the Crossroads artists/hipsters/punks take this story to heart. None of them are as good as Benton but the odd chance that somebody will preserve the one bedroom apartment paid for by their parents should no longer hold comfort. In the end, it's unlikely that many people would visit and see the sofa where they had their first threeway, their bagel slicer or their sweet video game room set-up.

Police Questioning Suspect in Robbery Outside Casino

Of course everybody in town is down on this guy but actually his (alleged) meth fueled rampage revealed an important truth: The only way to win at the casino is to rob somebody else before the casinos rob you. Additionally, video of that old lady falling down was hi-larious. WTF? Did she think she was gonna catch him? And what the hell was she going to do if she did?

Holding out for a Hero

This is the obligatory MLK post. If you watch the news, throughout the day you'll notice the anchors struggle to smile or make some other kind of important looking facial expression while they cover the same old story about some church that is only populated by Black women and children during the rest of the year but today hosts some kind of celebration that involves singing and your favorite Black politician. Invariably, most news readers will look as if they're holding in a fart as they struggle to lend a sense of importance to this utterly unimportant day.

Last night's Boondocks had some poignant things to say about King's legacy but, as in all of his work, Aaron McGruder's take was a tad too preachy and self-righteous for my taste. The episode speculated what would happen if King were alive today. Other than the title, "Return of the King" the rest of the episode wasn't really that clever. It was filled with the same rhetoric touted by Chris Rock and a million other comics who are seemingly out to prove that the only people who hate Black people more than white people is Black people. (See: Bill Cosby)

Anyway, it seems to me that most hero worship is unhealthy and a sign of desperation. If Dr. King were alive today, odds are he'd just be another important Black guy who liked to chase tail. And I can't really find much wrong with that. Because in the end a movement should be about people and not personalities. All of the senseless speeches and scenes of churchgoing today is so much propaganda that we all tolerate in the name of diversity. I contend that the only unifying principle of the whole day is that almost everyone finds the platitudes about racial equality laughable.

Someday, they'll find a way to make a decent holiday out of this date. They'll put on a sale or make it a day of drinking like "Cinco De Mayo" or St. Paddy's Day. Until then most of us will have to realize that forced reverence for a dead man is a sure sign that dreams of equality haven't been realized. In death we're all equaled and if all things were truly equal then the man behind MLK Day and what he stood for would be largely ignored like the forgotten ideals of all of the other dead people on their holidays.

New Blog: Thou Shall Not Suck

According to this site's author, the title of his blog is also a forgotten commandment . Let my people go . . . to this blog and make it a regular read.

New Blog: Mocommonsense.com by J-Dub

Check out this new blog from just outside of Jefferson City. Normally I don't count Jeff City as local but since I can smell the stink from that place, I might as well.

The people of SW Bell are trying to kill me

This blog has reached critical mass in other words, it's the shit. Why? Because the hose bags at SW Bell are making sure that I can't post today. If you're a SW Bell customer in the downtown KC area that means that you can't post today either but I'd like to think that "the man" is working against me specifically . . . Because he is and I know just how far that white devil will go to thwart me.

Anyway, since you can't get your daily dose of stupidity right here don't forget to pick up this week's Pitch because I'm in it. It was an earlier rant which just might guarantee that nearly every Black person in town will want to kick my ass. Or at least the significant portion on the Move Up payroll.

As a brief aside, I'm pretty sure that Ron McMillan was at the rally/vigil in question. Why is that important? Because he's pretty much the right hand man of Mayoral Candidate Alvin Brooks. Yeah, it seems like the duo are as close as the couple featured in Brokeback Mountain. I know that there are a lot of politicos who make goofy ass campaign promises but I've yet to see anybody run successfully on a "we support those who are accused of slashing a cop in the face" platform. Is this guilt by association? Yes, but I'm a prick like that and I want the next mayor of KC to keep better company than this one has.

I don't know when I'll get back to my regular posting schedule but I'm already in withdrawal because of a lack of Internet porn. So thank you for reading, a special thanks to the new managing editor at the Pitch who can obviously take a joke and if you see somebody yelling incoherently at a telephone poll in the midtown area . . . it's me.

Assume the position

Have you always dreamed of being wined and dined by real estate developers?

Don't mind pot holes?

Are you flexible?

Dream about big briefcases full of unmarked bills?

Never learned the difference between right and wrong?

Can you ignore East side crime and pretend that none of it ever spills over to other sections of the city?

Can you smile, nod and pretend to care?

In a city with 127 murders in a year, can you go on TV to promote rain gardens and then consider yourself a leader?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions then you are more than qualified to be a member of the City Council. Country Club Kay is now taking applications. The City Council will have a vote in the matter as well so expect this appointment to be completely corrupt/political/worthless and stink to high Heaven. The unlucky soul who gets the job will not only owe their career to Mayor Kay but probably have to work directly under her . . . which is something that no man has had to endure in many, many years.

Check it out

The war against science in Kansas has now incurred a wrath against books. There were rumors of this war when a group of Blue Valley parents with too much spare time went after a school's reading list. Now the chairman of the Kansas Board of Education is brushing up on obscenity laws in what seems to be a move to make sure the kids of Kansas don't have access to minority authors and other filth.

Abrams wants to know whether state obscenity laws would apply to the books. He said he would like the presentation to occur at next month'’s board meeting.

"Some of the things passing for literature in our schools . . . I wouldn't want my kids reading it," he said. "I want to hear what state statute is."

And the thing that makes me laugh is that reading is one of the last activities you should ever worry about your kid doing. I have yet to hear of a case of something jumping out of a book and attacking a kid while they were reading. These local loons have a website if you'd like a few good reasons to bring back book burning. Ironically, the page features a young Black woman reading when it seems that they book they have the most problem with is Toni Morrison's "Beloved." Apparently, Morrison is just too uppity for a few Kansas parents that somehow make Oprah's (naive) book club look like a group of intellectuals.

These are the breaks

Since the Republicans in Kansas don't understand science it's doubtful they understand much about math either. They're not alone, the people of KC proper have yet to learn that giving away tax breaks like candy on Halloween can result in unwanted consequences. Similarly, homeowners in Kansas are afraid that they might have to pay more if a recent tax break proposal goes through.

A long time ago, Kurtis Blow had a song entitled "These are the breaks" that was dope as hell for early 80's rap. I don't know what Kurtis is doing now but I'm sure it's not too much and I bet he'd be glad to perform a new rendition of his classic for all of the folks in the area who love to give away free money to people in suits. Advice to single moms: pretend you're building something or that you're gonna make a large campaign donation the next time you need help . . . if you look good in a suit, local politicos will fall all over themselves to make sure you're taken care of and well paid.

Proof that you're stupid

Riverboat revenue is up thanks to your pipe dreams and the lack of any other adult entertainment in this town that doesn't involve eating.

HCA will spend $7M in KC market

The money will go toward installing new electronic medical records systems in seven of its 12 area hospitals this year. Which will presumably it lot easier for the government and your creditors to keep tabs on you.

Building a future

When people move to a new neighborhood they usually talk about two things first: closet space and the schools. This town is so obsessed with building luxury living space that they've completely forgotten that residents also want decent schools for their children and the KC School District is STILL having trouble with accreditation.

However, it's worth noting that most condo and loft dwellers don't have kids because men with condo/loft money rarely had units long enough to ensure fertilization and their women are usually so cold that any semen freezes on contact.

Bitch better have my money (back)

If you read A Million Little Pieces and you want your money back than this local blogger says that you might be eligible for a refund.

Additionally, if the largely fabricated story inspired you to quit your miserable life of substance abuse you can now feel free to continue destroying your life and liver and just blame it on James Frey. Actually, I felt sorry for the guy when I saw him on Larry King last night. Like most men, he turned to his mom in his time of need. It was a classic move that I thought I had invented but it turns it works for lying white guys as well. The highlight of the evening was when Oprah called in and offered a bit of absolution. The program was both entertaining and informative. Apparently, when stuck in a jam the only people you can count on is your mom and a Black woman.

The way we swing

Today the KC Fat Chick describes New Year's Eve at a swingers party . . . It's not as sexy as it sounds. Seems like swinger's gatherings only lead to jealousy, frustration and guilt which makes them no better than monogamous sex.

Your bucks stop here

There is no such thing as a bad real estate development for many downtown cheerleaders. The President Hotel made its triumphant grand re-opening yesterday (thanks to tax breaks provided by you) and there was much celebration (yay!).

Never mind that the Hotel does little to improve pot holes in the street, East side crime or KC schools but I'm glad there's even more luxury living space downtown. Additionally, I'm also certain that there is some long range benefit to KC where revenue from this or that will someday trickle down upon the po'folk of KC like so much piss from the golden shower of a perv who paid extra . . . but that doesn't do much for the victims of this year's murders or the current generation of KC students. I guess it's important to have priorities even if they're fucked up. Satisfying construction cheerleaders is practically the same as helping the babies or at least the grown children who didn't get enough time with building blocks in their formative years. Additionally, the deprived childhood fascinations of KC boosters could explain why so many of them are stuck in what Freud referred to as the "anal" phase. This condition is apparent when noting how many people downtown grab their ankles for real estate developers. Again, this hotel seems like most Presidents: well hyped but pretty much useless.

Finally, long ago my Grandpa worked at The President Hotel. For him, it wasn't a mythical place and the good old days weren't really that good. It was just another job where he got treated like shit and made decent tips on the days when the rich white folks felt generous. He was the first Mexican waiter in that building and I'm pretty sure I remember him telling me about the bad old days when they didn't let the darkies get rooms up in that bitch. Sad that when they talk about the "history" of this town, they rarely mention the whole story.

Hard Times

According to Cheech & Chong and New York City (New York City! Get a rope.) blogger Dallas Penn things are tough all over . . . Especially in the real estate market. Seeing images of worthless New York bums crowd the streets reminds me of the not so distant future for KC in which real estate prices make paupers out of everyone earning less than six figures.

Additionally, there is only one real way to celebrate MLK Day: Sex with white women.

Brokeback Station

Watch the guys from The Big Dumb Fun Show get it up together . . . Meaning, construct their new studio.

It looks like a nice set up and it's probably the only local real estate development that isn't dependent upon TIF money. Best of luck to the BDFS guys as they continue to build on their success. Remember, the nail gun is not a toy.

Truman is da bomb

Today, The Star features an article about an impersonator of Missouri's favorite son perfroming at the Truman Presidential Museum and Library. The guy seems to be pretty entertaining but I'm guessing that because he looks so much like the former President, he wouldn't dare get in a fight with an Asian person. In fact, here's a tip for all of my Asian readers (there's gotta be at least one): If you go to the Truman Library and pick a fight with this guy, I guarantee he won't fight back. As an Asian person, it might be the only opportunity you'll ever have to itimidate someone. That just might be worth one afteroon without video games. Now warm up your Honda Civic and get going!

Tea in KC

No, Ice-T isn't coming to Kansas City . . . he's too busy selling out like all rappers eventually do.

Similarly, today The Star runs an insipid article about high tea at the Fairmount. Seriously. Here's a quote that will make you pray for a class war.

"Afternoon tea is about doting on our customers," Carta said. "It's not just about the exquisite food and teas or the location, it's about being pampered."

Which begs the question? Who reads/writes this shit? And then it occurs to me that fewer and fewer people do. And it's not just because of dead trees, it's because the people in the glass house over at The Star think this kind of B.S. article is relevant to life in KC. Maybe it's something you should aspire to.

I don't know, I've never had and probably never will have high tea in a luxury hotel. If I ever have the money for that kind of thing I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't bother. I'd rather spend my afternoon with strippers and other powdered substances stronger than snack cakes. But, that probably won't happen either . . . Instead I'm just inspired to dream by the Star's irrelevant reporting on one of KC's dying traditions of the few rich white people in KC who haven't yet bolted to JoCo.

It's cold in here, turn up the heat

The KC Channel reports that MGE customers could see a drop in their gas bill. Lately, I've been hearing horror stories about people getting the bill for December and it's been more entertaining than standing at the exit of a local casino and watching people coming out crying.

The scary thing is . . . it's been a relatively mild winter. We still have the rest of January to go and if you know anything about KC, a March blizzard isn't out of the question. What's the solution? Stop bitching about global warming. Who cares about the future of your grandkids when you live in an icebox today. The more global warming the better. Besides, the white people are gonna be the first ones to burn up anyway. I come from a tropical people and I really don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life on the beach which suddenly moved to Kansas.

Can't keep Kay on a budget

Like all bitches with money problems, Country Club Kay is arguing about a recent bill. Of course she won't go into details about reports that the forthcoming Sprint Center is already $30 million over budget but she does have time to promote the condos of Kansas City.

She's hopeful that increasing demand to buy condominiums will continue.

"We still need more product," she said, predicting that the arena and entertainment district will bump interest. "There's no indication of being built out."

Translation: "Let's keep this gravy train running! Another round of TIF money for anybody who has a sketch, a dream and a campaign donation!" Frankly, I don't see how hockey, arena football, tractor pulls or any other 3rd rate attraction is gonna draw a significant crowd to this town's new smallish arena. But feel free to keep speculating on condos, the greater fool hasn't put his/her money down yet . . . In fact, she's still in office and has a lunch meeting at a place you could never afford.

Taking Revenge on Kris Ketz

A local blogger takes his revenge against one of the best anchors in the city . . . but then he leaves a nice note, promises to reimburse Ketz and ends the message with a smiley. I know, it's anti-climactic but it's the closest I'll get to fulfilling my revenge fantasy against the local news which ends with me causing much more damage in the news room and then throwing Kelly Eckerman over my shoulders and driving off into the sunset.

Independence Brokeback Backlash?

Howdy there cowpokes (ewwww)! This post describes a tense situation in a local movie theater. Apparently, an AMC movie theater employee allegedly said that the chain will never show "Brokeback Mountain" because it's "gay." Frankly, I didn't think the theater chain had a problem showing gay movies because I watched "The Lord of the Rings" at various AMC theaters.

Is this a case of bigotry by the theater chain or did a local blogger simply ask one too many questions of a poor employee who is forced to clean up after thousands of people for minimum wage? In any event, I find it best not to get upset about which movies are playing, I've heard that there is a fine selection of gay porn available on the Internets and in a variety of dangerous local porn shops (watch your cornhole!). And if you wanna see a movie currently out in theaters that's unashamedly gay I suggest anything staring Jennifer Anniston.

"F*ck Ad Hoc"

An MP3 offering and album review from great local music blog "There Stands The Glass."

Overland Park Scam

A few businesses fall victim to phony invoices. While I think they should get real ones for leaching off of KC proper for the past few decades.

New Blog: The Evil Ninja or Ninjatronica

Cool new local myspace blog. So now you can date a blog author, which in most cases is inadvisable.

Listen up bitches

A recent study suggests that downloading music creates listener apathy which is far worse than consumer apathy in regard to purchasing shitty music.

"The degree of accessibility and choice has arguably led to a rather passive attitude towards music heard in everyday life.

"In short, our relationship to music in everyday life may well be complex and sophisticated, but it is not necessarily characterized by deep emotional investment."

Naturally, I blame white people. The history of white people is the history of a brutal clan that extracts meaning, resources and people from a given point and turns them into profitable commodities. Okay, that's a little harsh but think about the glory days of music from Rock & Roll to Rap and realize that the downward spiral began when it garnered the notice of (rich) white people. I'm almost glad that white people will never like Latino music but I'm still suspicious that "The Man" told Yolanda to kill Selena in a forward thinking move to shove J-Lo's big ass down the throats of the masses. Now there's an image.

Anyway, the point of this article and this post is to convey the fact that we all know that most music is crap and new technology doesn't seem to be making it any better. The promise of music downloading has not been realized until a truly popular band can emerge from the Internet without the help of a corporate marketing campaign. Even in this era of Ipods and digital music it's sad to note that the most popular downloads are nothing more than standard Top 40 fare.

And this doesn't mean I'm in favor of hipster Indy garbage, but rather some decent music that doesn't require reading Pitchfork every hour to appreciate or a near lethal dose of X.

You can go your own way

I'm beginning to think that there are enough "lapsed" Catholics around like this local blogger, and most of my friends that we might qualify as our own sect. A slogan would be difficult. Something fun and irreverent like: Catholic 2.5 - "Now with Condoms! Because we know you won't behave!" OR "New Cath-a-holics - Now with 30% less molestation." Jesus would still be white but he'd have a goatee and a bad attitude. He'd probably bitch a lot about his dad. I guess that sounds like some hokey TV melodrama . . . but that's okay. Corporate TV shouldn't be the only ones profiting from the Big JC (whom I hope knows that I'm kidding and that I love him very much despite my "self-abuse" and blasphemy).

Somebody ought to make a law

It seems all the life has yet to sucked out the corpse of Precious Doe. Apparently, the little girl is still good for some political mileage. Motivated by the popular tragedy Missouri Dems are trying to make it easier for prosecutors to bring first-degree murder charges against people suspected of killing a child.

Not that I advocate child killing, in most cases, or at least not very often outside the womb. However, somebody killing their kids seems to be along the same lines of killing a spouse or some other relative. The assailants don't seem to present a threat to anybody else but the ones they love; very much like dating an anorexic woman with anger management issues.

The Democrats of this state are quick to promote reactionary legislation when it comes to getting tough on people who have committed horrible acts but they rarely stand up to this state's Republicans when it comes to fighting for more child services or funds for parent education that could prevent these kind of horrible crimes.

Finally, I guess this legislation is more productive than my first notion of its aim. I thought they were going to make it mandatory for all of this state's politicians and activists to snuggle the corpse of every kid that turns up dead under suspicious circumstances. That initiative would be very much like the tradition of kissing babies only way more interesting and smelly. I can only hope that someday Precious Doe will be out of the news and allowed to rest in peace. Normally, politicians avoid involvement with dead girls in order to protect their career.

The women of Kansas are whores

Watching the Bachelor last night (no homo) it was hard not to notice two women from Overland Park (a KC suburb/parasitic community) competing to be a prime-time sperm receptacle.

I watch the Bachelor because it clearly illustrates the desperation of so many women. The highlight of the show was watching a 30-year old female doctor bawl and throw a hissy fit because her eggs were getting old and she was too short, dumpy, smart and elf looking to compete with the hotter pieces of ass. Sadly, she realized too late in the game that no man in their right mind wants an accomplished and intelligent partner who is his equal. In fact, I'm sure that dating a woman who thinks she's as smart as you is one of the circles of Hell described in Dante's Inferno.

The only reason any guy wants a woman who earns a decent salary is so he won't have to work . . . this is a trick run by Puerto Ricans and former convicts (same thing) across the land. In fact, it's common knowledge that right after you get parole you should find a big, fat sugar mama with a steady income to pay your bills while you figure out how to come across your next score and screw strippers on the side.

Anyway, I like watching the Bachelor because it puts everything in perspective. The show features women after nothing more than a resume and good looks and the guy gets to choose from a bevy of whores for the one who is the most submissive, blonde and dimwitted; very much like dating in Johnson County only with better scenery.

They're all losers in the Northland

A few members of KC's suburban class are engaged in a weight loss contest. The Star provides the boring details but I'm guessing that their motivation is to be able to run away from KC's minority community at a quicker pace.

Killings in St. Louis up 15 percent in ’05

It's on again! In this I-70 series, we're all losers. Which makes it pretty much like the last one.

Local NAACP insists judge was "passed over"

"The court system, especially, should be diverse and mirror the community that it serves," said the letter, signed by Wilhelmina Stewart, first vice-president of the Kansas City branch of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.

Which is true considering that most people who have to appear before local judges are minorities themselves.

Three Midtown Businesses Robbed, At Least Two Connected

Humm, I guess nobody anticipated that local crooks would also benefit from The Glover Plan. The Subway and Fast Stop convenience store were both robbed yesterday along with the Hollywood video in Westport. Damn, even thug life in KC is boring . . . while I pay for my goods, I hit most of these stores on a weekday night myself.

Police Arrest Suspects Hiding on Bus

Okay, this might actually be a sign that public transportation is improving in the metro. Two local men running for the police wait for the bus instead of escaping on foot. Fortunately, they were apprehended but I had no idea that the KC MAX bus system was that quick.

Talking Head

Now that the hiring of Herman Edwards is complete, there is one thing that is for certain: there is a chance that KC sports reporters may actually have to earn their money. Edwards plays the angry Black man better than the many tokens featured on the "Real World." Likewise, the sports reporters in this town are notorious for eating whatever crap they can use for copy out of the hand of Carl Peterson.

Carl's hiring of his old buddy seems to be a wonderful rhetorical trick worthy of Karl Rove (Satan) himself. KC's lilly white reporting community won't be able to criticize the Chiefs first Black head coach because they'll appear to be as racist as they really are . . . While KC's Black sports reporters (Whitlock) wouldn't dare come out against "one of their own" because middle class Black people actually do show unity when it comes to marrying white women and promoting each other (search: Steve Penn).

This unspoken situation at Arrowhead will not only contribute to the schizophrenia of local reporters but also ensure that the Chiefs will fall from mediocre to just plain bad. Coming off a 4-12 season, Edwards has little to offer the Chiefs but his angry Black guy routine and a litany of excuses that should really be answered by the Hunt Family and Carl Peterson.

Nigel Marcotte story continues to unfold

I've picked up some really weird traffic regarding this story. Obviously, a lot of people are interested in this grizzly killing that continues to grow more suspicious.

Sachs cited for progressive stance integrating KC Bar

A local Jewish Judge makes sure that Kansas City Metropolitan Bar Association is representative of all colors and creeds but mostly by men with tiny junk.

Blunt Recommends Funding Increase for Children's Care

Believe me, I hate linking to good news about this guy just as much as the bad stuff. However, looking out for this state's kids may just be self-interest for Baby Blunt.

Meet UMKC's new chancellor

Dr. Guy Bailey may be a cunning linguist but assuming any position at UMKC can be a pain in the ass with all of the high maintenance profs. Best of luck, dude. Watch your cornhole.

Backpages by Parrish

Another awesome comix set by local blogger Parrish.

Why aren't more young Republicans joining the military?

Actually, according to a poll in the last presidential election there are plenty of Republicans in the army. However, they aren't the "college Republicans" who ignorantly tout a war they'll never fight.

"You Play to Win the Game"

Local blogger Doug provides a transcript of insipid clichés from the new head coach of the Chiefs. Let's hope his coaching is more innovative than his media persona. I'm guessing not given his record.

"There’s no doubt in my mind that education dollars could be spent in a smarter way."

A former teacher's reaction to recent events regarding spending on education in Kansas.

Robber Hits House Of Man Who Died In SUV Wreck

Damn, white people really love their precious little things. This story features a lot of people crying about the theft of stuff the guy obviously doesn't need anymore.

Man Hit In Head With Pipe In Road-Rage Fight

A man in Shawnee Kansas finally gets what's coming to him for driving around in a big ass SUV and taking up too many lanes. He's lucky nobody invaded his house, bombed his neighborhood and then exercised final approval over the ballot on which he could vote.

The Beyonce Factor featuring Jennifer Lopez

Dallas Penn is the best blogger east of the Mississippi and in this post he asks the most important question of the post-feminist era: "How does every other woman measure up to Beyonce?" Seriously, if your woman's score isn't close than you should really think about moving on or at least taking her to the mall and getting her nails done.

"Brown on black crime"

With his usual eloquence, STL blogger Bol examines the growing rivalry among Black people and Latinos. Ironically, this post is more informative than most discussions regarding race and it's funnier than watching Jesse Jackson and Vicente Fox participate in a hot oil wrestling match (no homo).

Brief Unity Joke: Three people are in a car. A Black Guy and a Mexican are in the back seat. Who's driving?

A Hindu Cop.

Saturday with Stan the Man

Over the weekend, Stan Glazer did not officially announce that he was running for Mayor of Kansas City but he did host a meeting to rally his supporters on the upper floor of downtown's hipster hangout The Cashew.

The meeting began with a ringing endorsement from longtime KC activist Mark Esping. Esping has played an important role in KC politics for years and has recently been one of the few KC politicos to show some sanity when it comes to spending public money i.e. he opposed both the light rail scheme and Bi-State II.