Saturday, November 26, 2016


Once again we remind readers that our KICK-ASS BLOG COMMUNITY is dedicated to myth-busting unfounded conceptions and challenging the status quo in Kansas City.

Normally our ire is directed toward more serious issues but tonight let's talk just a moment about a Kansas City ritual that deserves a fact check:


Impossible to dispute, here's a list to remember when arguing with supporters of the crass commercialism this holiday represents.


Plaza Lights Waste Energy

There's always coy explanation over the thousands upon thousands kilowatt hours that the Plaza lights suck down but most of it is simply wasted in service of selling just a bit more overpriced merch.

Hayseed Tourists Clog Midtown Kansas City Streets To Gawk At "Purdy" Lights

This year there were 1,598,082 people gathered to watch the Plaza lights . . . Or not. The count isn't really important and something that only bothers "journalists" who don't like talking to people outside of their closed social circle of creeps . . . And speaking of creeps . . . Tourists flocking to see the Plaza lighter are usually country folk from miserable places like Grain Valley and beyond. Economic theorists along with amateur urban planners might suggest that catering to these jerks will boost the local economy but small biz people with real world experience know better.

Trade with rural Missouri only leads to a disastrous glut of walnut bowls. 

The denizens of middle-Missouri-Kansas and most of rural America simply make things worse as evidence by this election where the rubes voted for a reality game show host billionaire in hopes that he was going to look out for their economic interests. Good luck with that . . .

In the meantime, rural America is dying and their bitter end threatens to bring the Republic down with it along with cheapening Kansas City with their twangy wonderment at lights strung upon buildings.

Caveat . . . NOT YOU, YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD ONES and somewhere I have a stolen Johnny Cash CD from a former chubby, blonde white lady friend which proves TKC really does admire talented country folk.

But I digress . . .

Kansas City Foodie Price Gouging

Local foodies put out the red carpet for the crowds watching the Plaza Lights and in turn jack up their prices to ludicrous amounts. A Kansas City shouldn't cost more than $20 bucks even when topped with kale but at despicable places like Coal Vines, the hipsters put their horrible fare at a premium thanks to fake demand supported by the Plaza lights.

Plaza Lights Promote Misuse Of Police Protection To Support Luxury Shopping And Elitist Entertainment Options

This one is actually a real complaint from much smarter people than TKC . . . While KCPD is forced to play baby-sitter to flash mobs, drunks and horrible drivers clogging up the Plaza . . . Crime throughout KCMO has continued to spike. There's no easy solution here because directing police away from this entertainment enclave usually results in another tragic incident that makes for embarrassing headlines. In the meantime, the inability of folks to behave themselves on a night out is forcing many local police to take on the duties of security guards amid cutbacks and tightening budgets where politicos have consistently sacrificed public safety for corporate crony tax breaks.

Kansas City Must Reject Faux Glamour Life Selling Overpriced Chinese Goods

In the final analysis . . . From the Apple products to the luxury purses for sale on the Plaza: It's all junk. The idea of a "luxury" shopping district is antiquated and something that doesn't take into account the power of Internets shopping which allows locals the ability to purchase goods straight from their computers hacked by Pacific rim ad-bots.

Double bonus . . . 

Bad Debt Jesus Saves?!?!

Not that it matters, but the Plaza lights is a decidedly secular event designed to take any religious significance and replace it with an impulse to buy . . . This is capitalism at it's finest and probably one of the best achievements of America's first outdoor shopping mall . . . But as the nation prepares to undertake a holy war in order to solve its immigration crisis . . . Credit card Jesus won't provide any semblance of moral clarity.

And so, while the lights provide plenty of smiles and good times for locals both young and old . . . We hope this list inspires our blog community to reconsider that Kansas City tradition clandestinely predicated upon racially restrictive covenants, class warfare and adherence to conformity.

And all of this has inspired our playlist tonight . . .

Brad Millison recorded 'Christmas In Kansas City' in 1985 and then killed himself not too long afterwards...

Brit Hotties Make Everything Better . . . There's A Sculpture Of Winston Churchill And His Wife On The Plaza Despite The Fact That His Legacy In His Home Country Is Far More Complicated And The Old Man Hated Gandhi. WTF???

Old School Classic Rock Because The Plaza Hasn't Added Anything New To The Lights Since Including Fireworks About 20 Years Ago . . .

Lights Is A Newbie Hottie Who Deserves More Attention And Just A Tribute To Another Generation "Discovering" Our Quaint Cowtown Event

Final tribute to "lights" along with a favorite video hoping that Kanye gets better in time for his Presidential run. Kanye 2020!!!

As always, thanks for reading this week and have a safe and fun Saturday Night.


Anonymous said...

Very bitter, very bitchy.

Somewhat funny.

I see what you were going for here but you gotta keep it lighter.

Don't count on people getting the joke.

Also, two of these songs were actually pretty good.

Anonymous said...

personally, I think the zona rosa lights are much nicer and a much more welcoming event.

Anonymous said...

Dood. You gotta get our more.

Anonymous said...

Tony, I appreciate that you host a forum where people can share honest opinions, but damn dude, I've never known anyone who seems to enjoy pissing in everyone's Cheerios like you do. Be happy that this time of year gives KC something better to be known for than a staggering murder rate.

Anonymous said...

Kc does the holidays better than any other Midwestern city on the nation. We should be proud of OUR tradition. It is one if the things that makes our city special.

Anonymous said...

Not really a surprise that Tony Botello hates Kansas City as a whole. But as long as the titty pics keep coming, this blog is worth it.

Anonymous said...

And you wonder why nobody takes this cyber bird cage liner seriously.

Anonymous said...

In case you missed it, Rural America just handed Big City America its ass.

Anonymous said...

Suggestion, Tony:

What Brad Millison did?

Try it yourself.

Anonymous said...

And so gentle reader, if you've ever wondered what it's like to be clincally depressed, let this screed serve as your inspiration.

Pretty sad isn't it?

How did the author get here? Drugs? One poor decision after another, piled up over years of other bad decisions? A lack of belonging? No sense of community?

Makes you wonder.

Your lesson here is to live life to its fullest and not wallow in what you hate.

Go forth and see the beauty in the world.

Anonymous said...

Let's not forgive Brad Millison for writing "Christmas In Kansas City"

Anonymous said...

And when he asked who was the biggest turkey, he was the runaway winner.

Dear Tony:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
But pick one.

Anonymous said...

Sure are a lot of folks out "living life to its fullest" like 11:34 posting on a Saturday night giving life coaching to Tony.

Anonymous said...

The plaza is a has been hood.
Zona Rosa is the place to be.

Jobu said...

This shit makes me laugh. Funny stuff Tk.

Anonymous said...

Electrolytes. It's got what plants crave!

Anonymous said...

bah, humbug, scrooge.

Anonymous said...

Top 5 reasons to hate the plaza...WHITE PEOPLE.

Anonymous said...

"The count isn't really important and something that only bothers "journalists" who don't like talking to people outside of their closed social circle of creeps."

Herne Christopher?

Anonymous said...

good tunes and sarcasm. LOL.

A certified suicide prevention counselor said...

As a certified suicide prevention counselor, I wouldn't ordinarily suggest that someone kill themselves.

But in this case it seems like a good idea.

KC Conscience said...

^^^ What's funny is that the recommendation and thinking about it all day means that suicide is on your mind. Here's some free advice: Be careful what you wish on other people. It never helps someone to wish others the worst.