Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Cyclists are ruining Kansas City



Recently, one of this town's better bicycling blogs (oxymoron?) reported that Kansas City ranks dead last in bike commuting. Of course, this isn't really important but KC's cycling advocates (read: wealthy, liberal white people) would have you believe that this non-issue actually merits your interest.

Really, local cyclists should simply be glad they're breathing and continue to anxiously concentrate on the road rather than continue being a very vocal group on the political lobbying front. Also, isn't this town too cold to have any serious regard for cycling as a mode of transportation? That's an honest question and a bunch of cyclists practicality skiing down the road in February while complaining that nobody respects their rights isn't the answer I would prefer.

Anyway, I guess the thing about local cyclists that clearly demonstrates they're one of the most dangerous and irresponsible contingents in Kansas City is their complete disregard for any other issue that faces this town.

Kansas City's cyclists would have you believe that just because they're biting the dust (er, windshield) in record numbers, that's a problem on par with the homicide rate on the Eastside . . . KC cyclists contend that they care about this town's infrastructure even if all they really want are deluxe, luxury and EXPENSIVE biking lanes for their hobby. These folks claim to advocate for cyclists and pedestrians but their cadre is mainly made up of folks who deliberately scorn better forms of transportation as one of many horrible lifestyle choices.

Here's a recent list of their demands:

  • For the first time we have a mayor and city council who claim to be bike friendly, although they still have to show us some tangible proof of this new attitude.

  • It is very encouraging that the city has just hired our first full-time bicycle and pedestrian coordinator to oversee all of the city’s bike/ped programs and facilitate some forward motion.

  • The city’s new climate protection plan includes goals to increase the rate of bicycling.

  • A new law to require bicycle parking at most businesses, schools, apartments, etc is in the works and hopefully due to arrive later this year.
  • It's interesting to note a slight tone of dissatisfaction with the current Mayor but it's also clear that these people must be stopped. Giving into any of these demands would undoubtedly lead to endorsing the rest of their dangerous agenda (i.e. Hillary Clinton). Somehow, comparisons to Hitler at Munich don't seem all together out of line.

    Therefore, it's imperative that both SUV drivers and poorer (scum) bus riders and walkers, who might resent these folks slumming on KC streets, unite in order to take so-called "transportation issues" out of the hands of these extremists. It's past time to secure our roads from the bicycling hordes who have no respect for our way of life and don't contribute anything tangible to our society. The future of Kansas city depends on it.

    14 Comments:

    Anonymous said...

    Tony you must spend more time in Olathe than you admit because the only people I see routinely riding bikes are black people. I don't just mean the lookouts for drug dealers in the eastern part of the city, though they sure do like a BMX bike, but I regularly see a lot of black bike commuters. I know it's hard to believe, with the racial stereotypes blinding you, but over on State Line road, I passed a few black dudes in full Lance Armstrong apparel doing their thing.

    overstood said...

    This satire is sweet. I know that so many of you won't get it and that in and of itself is just plain funny.

    Take this rant and substitute the term cyclist for immigrant and you have the same kind of diatribe that is used against so-called illegal aliens.

    Personally I think the reference to the "hordes" was over the top but I guess it is plain to see that people still won't find the humor when it offends their sensibilities.

    Amazing stuff Tony. Good job.

    Anonymous said...

    weaksauce

    Anonymous said...

    Way to praise yourself, Tony. It may be satire but it is hardly great.

    real satire said...

    You suck.

    Rob said...

    Your ability to to manufacture inflammatory monologues could get you a job in conservative talk radio. I particularly like your blindness to the realities of the groups you describe.

    I also enjoy your inference that being an advocate for something such as safe bicycling and safe neighborhoods are mutually exclusive.

    The spin is strong within you, young patowon, but no better than that of the Minute Men. In order to succeed you must give it to the anger. Then perhaps you can achieve presidential success.

    I mean no disrespect, but how is it that you come to these conclusions?

    Anonymous said...

    What are you talking about? There are plenty of people on bikes in this town. Why I almost ran over one just this morning!

    caroline said...

    three days of posting about bikes? the gag is no longer amusing or relevant.

    kmb said...

    2:54 - you ALMOST ran over one? - what's the matter, your aim was bad?

    Go to driving school. Aim better.

    frog pajamas said...

    Hey Tony why don't you tell all the Mexican's over here in NEKC that they can't ride bicycles anymore. You are so quick to defend the Latino community, but quick to forget that the majority of cyclists, at least east of Troost, are minorities.

    Why does bicycling affect you so adversly? Why does a healthy lifestyle, compassion for our environment and a cheap effective mode of transportation offend you so much? It would be great, if one time, you would reply to some of the questions that readers pose, and give your honest opinion.

    Anonymous said...

    "DEAD" last ...

    This is an odd play on words, given that so many KC bike riders end up under vehicle wheels.

    Anonymous said...

    Male cyclists tend to wax their body hair way more than the average hetero.

    nuff said.

    Anonymous said...

    Tony your such a pinche faker. homie you have no idea ese. Stop talking about my homies on two wheels I roll with them. What are you gonna do? Mow me down, your brown pride carnal? It's all fun and games Tony till someone gets hurt.

    Anonymous said...

    wow power leveling
    wow power leveling
    wow power leveling
    wow power leveling
    wow powerleveling
    wow powerleveling
    wow powerleveling
    wow powerleveling
    wow gold
    wow gold
    world of warcraft power leveling
    world of warcraft power leveling
    wow power level
    wow power level
    power leveling wow
    power leveling wow
    power leveling wow
    powerleveling wow
    powerleveling wow
    cheap wow power leveling
    wow power leveling