"Thank God, you only gave me Chlamydia" and other greetings!

A New Hallmark line of cards called "Journeys" takes a modern day approach toward offering somebody a scrap of paper in lieu of a real sentiment.

The collection of 176 cards is designed to offer support to people in a variety of real-life situations, the company said in a release. Those situations could include a loved one diagnosed with cancer, a family member considering adoption after years of infertility and a friend who has met a weight-loss goal.

First of all, I don't like the name of the new line . . . "Journeys" should invoke the name of one of my favorite bands . . .



But in this context in sounds like some kind of Lifetime Movie Network Special about 50 something lesbians. Ew.

Still, I see the potential in this move and I have a few greeting card ideas I'd like to pitch:

Congratulations on getting your first marriage out of the way!!!

Here's to your next relapse!!!

I'm sorry your daughter is a crackhead grandma, but I just wanted to wish you a happy Mother's Day.

So, don't bother suing me for whatever results from this unplanned and unprotected sexual encounter. I'm not rich and that was one of the many lies I told to get into your pants.

Whoops! Who knew stripper panties could transmit crabs?!!

Maybe you can put down that shovel you've been waiting around with now and take a moment to grieve . . . Our condolences on the death of your parent.

I'm glad you didn't drip down my leg/your mother hates blowjobs . . . Happy Birthday!!!

Yeah, there's plenty more where that came from . . . I can feel the first TKC syndication deal coming with a quickness or maybe I just have to use the toilet.