Friday, December 15, 2006

Mike "Corporate Hack" Hendricks wants to play the nickname game

Here's the thing about nicknames, they are best when they are cruel, descriptive and used to humiliate their subject.

I've always thought that poor people were best at making up nicknames given that the monikers given to rich folks sound something like high end liquor brands; Rummy, Scooter, Dubya and the like.

The best example I can point toward in recent popular culture is the The Wire which followed a group of young, fatherless Black kids (tough to find any other kind) and their downward spiral toward drug dealing, prison and bitterness. For me, one of the more intriguing characters was Duquan Weems who was appropriately named Dukie because he parents were crackheads and he didn't have a place to bathe. However, I should note that I think the spelling should have been "Dookie" which means shit and would have been an even more advantageous moniker considering the smell and the implications about his inherent worth.

Anyway, in today's column Mike "Hell if I don't think I'm Dave Barry" Hendricks tries to decide on nicknames for the mayoral candidates. The only one I think he nailed was "Who The Heck Is" Henry Klein if you can believe that a grown man would use the word heck.

Hendricks starts his column with his insights about Stan Glazer whom he refers to as "The Mouth" and then goes off into some Grammar Nazi routine about the difference between infer and imply which is probably lost on anyone who never pretended to take interest in one of those insufferable English major types.

However, everybody in KC knows that it's Stan "The Man" Glazer. At first the title seems complimentary until you explore it's racial and alpha male connotations . . . Which I whole heartedly endorse. Who's the man? Stan's the man and the name evokes a strong reaction from every side of the aisle.

BlogKC cleverly coined the title given to the Internet's favorite technocrat and it's not "Funky" Mark Funkhouser which only implies the guy stinks . .. It's Mark "The Funk" Funkhouser which is more soulful and references the most unifying and uplifting form of music known to mankind.

There are some more obvious errors that Hendricks makes and I'll point them out quickly:

No nickname rundown would be complete without a mention of Country Club Kay Barnes or Condo Kay which clearly denotes the fact that she should have run for this city's top real estate agent and not Mayor.

Hendricks treads lightly when discussing the outgoing County Executive because she scares everyone in her immediate vicinity but I've heard a lot of people call her Queen Kathryn Shields. I've always had a penchant for Jabba not only because I'm a Star Wars nerd but also because the recent County budget crisis could be solved when they discover Han Solo frozen in carbonite somewhere under the Courthouse.

Jim "The Man with the Plan" Glover . . . Hardly, it's Jim "Why so glum?" Glover for a guy with a lot of experience but absolutely no personality.

Chuck "Craves to Destroy (eat?) KC homes" Eddy will have to do for now until the folks over on Red Bridge Road are finished with even more meetings intended to distract and exhaust their cause called by Terry "My District is a trash heap in ruins" Riley.

Janice "The Resume" Ellis is way too nice and I think Janice "Black Elite" Ellis is far more descriptive.

Obviously, this exercise could go on ad infinitum but I just wanted to note how far off the mark Hendrick's list seemed to be, in my opinion, his monikers are as lame as most of the pro-any-and-every-tax-from-the-comfort-of-Johnson-County editorials published by The Star.


Anonymous said...

good call tony -

if you're going to hand out nicknames at least make them good ones.

sometimes I imagine that being at the star is like being in an episode of the office, where everyone is so unbelievably medicore that that don't even know it.

Anonymous said...

You forgot Alvin "the Zipper" Brooks. Or maybe it is "Keep ye zipper zipped" Alvin.