It's not a hand out, it's a hand job

Someone much smarter than me once said: "Society could make no greater mistake than asking charity to do the work of social justice." But then again, Ozzy Osborne also said: "Sharon, wh&**&, up $$#@$$& bleep **~%% yeah and *&*@@??%??????"

Still, I have a lot of contempt for a local radio program entitled: "Hope for the Holidays" airing on the Johnny Dare show. My attention was drawn to the program by my girlfriend who started to cry while listening to one of the pitiful "contestants" (or whatever) on the show and their sob story. So I had to give the program a listen as I politely reminded her that my chicken pot pie was getting cold.

I'll just point out a few f-'d up things about the charity segment on the show in order to provide background:

*I'm living proof that minorities love to rock out with some of the tired music that Johnny Dare plays . . . However, I have yet to hear any minorities on his show getting handouts. The program is clearly a case of his white audience helping fellow white folks with problems that they obviously deem more worthy than the fact that more young Black guys are in prison than college or all of the cheap labor by illegal immigrants that makes their lifestyle possible. I know, I shouldn't expect any more but I'm hoping for a brand new set of race cards for X-mas since I use mine so frequently they're starting to wear out.

*Cancer kills 1 out of 7 people . . . It's not a tragedy or some special circumstance that folks are screwed over because of a cancer related illness during the holidays (it happens year round all over the nation to more people than you could imagine) . . . It would serve Johnny Dare's audience better if the host spent some time explaining why we need reform the Healthcare and Insurance industry instead of patting each other on the back for giving up some of their disposable income that would otherwise be spent on Miller High Life and women who are still using too much hairspray.

*I think the segment is a rip off of the old "Queen for a Day" format with the public only getting to contribute to the most pathetic story. To innovate and in order to get with web 2.0's emphasis on user generated (unpaid) content I think the public should get to see all of the entries.

In that respect, I've snagged the most pathetic entry I could find in need of X-mas assistance and placed it here for your entertainment:

Dear Tony,

I'm writing this e-mail to you with the one finger I have left. Earlier this year I was involved in a tragic incident and I hope that your audience will find it in their hearts to help me during this holiday season.

Currently, I work three jobs and the only benefits I'm given are free Spanish lessons during my break time. I'm still trying to find out what the word "pendejo" means since my coworkers constantly use the term to refer to me but I'm guessing it's a sign of respect since they usually say it to me and then smile.

Anyway, in June of this year an "industrial" accident blew all but one of my apendages off my body . (As I previously noted, sadly it was my only my finger that survived and not a more useful, similarly sized appendage) It's not important that the accident happened while trying to manufacture Meth . . . What is important is that the accident threatens to ruin my X-mas. While we've always had an "open" marriage of sorts, since I have become incapacitated my wife has decided to give interracial dating a second chance . . . Often, in our martial bed while I'm still awake. Additionally, my children have not learned from my mistakes and continue to cook meth using my colostomy bag as a mixer for the chemicals. While a good mix often alleviates some of my constant pain due to the backwash . . . I just don't think it's the right path for them to take . . . Also, I have a number of "debts" due to various biker gangs and white supremacist drug rings (both in and out of prison) who continue to hound me and search for my location given the fact that I was forced to testify against them in open court in exchange for a box of Krispie Kreme Doughnuts and carton of cigarettes offered by local authorities.

Please Tony, I'm in dire circumstances and I really believe that if your audience could get together in order to buy me a 50 inch LCD HDTV monitor . . . All of my problems would be solved or at least the world would seem less cruel when viewed through the luxurious looking glass of my pro-football player quality tube.

Save me, Tony. You're my only hope!

Touching stuff and every bit as meaningful than those poor saps paraded in front of the public by Johnny Dare in hopes that a few bucks will dig them out of a situation created for them by a slew of bad choices, hard times, a poor educational system and the fact that local DJ's would rather spend time making their audience feel good than providing any kind of information about the root causes which make life so hard for so many folks.

Also, I think Dare needs to play more Dio and less crying from po'folk which is really more important than all of the details concerning this subject.