You will never be America's Next Top Model

Forget your dreams of becoming a superstar who gets paid to eat salad, have sex with the lesser known members of bad emo bands and do lots and lots of coke. It'll never happen, not only because you're too fat, ugly and have no talent (join the club) but also because a local ad promising auditions for America's Next Top Model was a fake.

This is not to say that you may not one day achieve your 15 minutes of fame. But it will most likely be the result of some horrible crime or misdeed you've committed.

Also, I've noticed that almost every sentence with the word "model" in it somehow ends up turning out to be a lie.

"You look like a model, baby"

"I did a little bit of modeling but it was no big deal (read: please don't do a Google search on me and view the horrible evidence of my last breakup)"

"Take a look at this model home/loft/condo"

"We can model this (expensive) program in order to save our neighborhood/kids/schools/etc."

You know what I'm saying? Super models are born, not made and they are rarely discovered in a Podunk town like this unless they are being featured in the JC Penny catalog or some other kind of MILF/Ass/fetish degenerate rag.