Waterfall

Right now rain is falling on the city. I can see steam rising up from the damp streets that my house overlooks. People rush to do their business with no time to appreciate the brief respite of summer’s scorching temperatures. Water pours from the sky as cars go by and the sound melds together in a gentle hum. A once dusty metropolis is now soaked. For the moment, the rain washes away all my opinions about the city. The gray buildings turn a darker charcoal as the water hits them. The clouds are doing their best to get this town clean.

Out of sight

The new and improved downtown KC doesn't have any more room for the poor and downtrodden anymore. The west bottoms will now host the Division of Employment Security, the Missouri Commission on Human Rights and the Missouri Department of Corrections. I guess that the people who need access to these agencies are no longer welcome in the redeveloped, resurrected and ritzy downtown area.

Many thanks to a reader who tipped TKC to a different angle regarding the move:

How convenient that the city needed to move these offices (and all the unemployed, unfairly treated, and paroled folks who visit them) out of downtown, away from the new entertainment district, and to the lovely West Bottoms. Don't forget that the existing location was just a short 4 block walk from the main bus terminal at 10th and Main, probably a primary source of transportation for many of the office's visitors ... how many bus lines do they have in the West Bottoms near the Gateway Building I wonder?

Don't worry dear reader, I'm sure Mayor Kay and other city officials have a plan for all of KC's disenfranchised folks. Something along the lines of a hot meal and a shower after a long train ride. These are showers, right? You wouldn't lie to me Kay? Would you?

Drunk Club

KC Drinker is one of my favorite sites in the metro. Their latest article on the "Kansas City Hash House Harriers" was an informative piece. (Note: It's not about pot) Only KC Drinker could uncover a group of urban, suburban and wildlife explorers who combined hiking and killing brain cells. The drunken expeditions seem like a lot of fun, but my friends always used to try to lose me when they got drunk so I'm somewhat familiar with the concept.

Good Morning

I usually post in the morning but I'm not really a morning person. One of the reasons is that I don't wake up in a bed with Chole Jones and I hate coffee. Lately, I've been trying to post throughout the day but I'm not having much luck.

Anyway, I hope you are having a good morning and now I think I'm gonna check out this photo set and "relax." Ewwwww.

Update: Not even my sexual fantasies work out right. Got this e-mail and then got the shivers.

Dude, not sure if you'd want to wake up next to Chloe Jones...especially since she's dead. Unless that's your bag. However, you don't seem like the "I'd really like to hump a dead porn star" type...

Thanks to Patchchord for the info. And no, I don't ever start the night thinking I'm going to wake up next to a dead porn star. Ewwww. (breath) Ewwwww.

Heart of America

Recent cuts at Truman Medical Center are indicative of the slash and burn stupidity championed by Missouri’s boy king/Governor Matt “Baby” Blunt.

Chief among the cuts is an initiative to curtail medical treatment to undocumented workers. However, citizens of the surrounding area will also be affected after the millions of dollars worth of services are withheld.

And this is where politics should become unimportant. It’s simply a matter of human rights and self preservation. Hasn’t Governor Blunt learned that AIDS, bacterial meningitis, polio, malaria and all of the plagues throughout time have taught humanity that sickness in one place affects us all?

One way or another, some undocumented worker or maybe someone who needed indigent care might be making your kid’s happy meal someday. Wouldn’t you feel better knowing that worker was vaccinated against TB? A balanced budget won’t comfort you when a person who can’t afford medical care has used the restroom before you, coughed on you at the mall, left the bathroom doorknob wet when you went to use it or passes out at the wheel in the oncoming lane.

Cutting medical care for people who can’t afford it is akin to cutting their throat. Capitalist imperative, budget woes, Horatio Alger, fuck all . . . Everyone has the right to live. People who need medical services should get them; anything less is vindictive politics put into practice against the very people that elected officials claim to represent.

Related:

Lawsuit Seeks To Stop Medicaid Cuts

"It’s hard work and sacrifice. Living in an Amish paradise"

One of my favorite bloggers in the city is much younger and more talented than I. Additionally, the little bastard caused me to look up these lyrics and download the Mp3.

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she’s very plain
But that’s just perfect for an amish like me
You know I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I’m milkin’ cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and jacob plows... fool
And I’ve been milkin’ and plowin’ so long that
Even ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I’m a man of the land, I’m into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1699

We been spending most our lives
Living in an amish paradise
I’ve churned butter once or twice
Living in an amish paradise
It’s hard work and sacrifice
Living in an amish paradise
We sell quilts at a discount price
Living in an amish paradise

Note: I hope Bill Coleman doesn’t mind that I’m using this photo. I encourage everyone who liked this image to visit his site and take a look at his work. A long time ago, I purchased one of his prints; I recommend you do the same.

Credits

In this week’s KC Strip, local blogger Heidi is credited with being the first to debunk the Pitch prank.

Heidi Schallberg, operator of the smart blog "Me, My Life + Infrastructure," found soon after our paper hit the streets last Wednesday that it took almost no time at all to Google our cover story to shreds.

Although Heidi was first to write that the story was obviously a fake and didn’t take much investigation to expose, it’s still impressive that a local blogger brought the facts when so many others (like me) had been easily fooled and city officials were feverishly scurrying to calm readers who had been duped.

But then again, little of this journalistic drama mattered to the masses, who only read the Pitch in order to find phone numbers of women willing to provide a “massage.”

Tongue tied

The story of a sex offender moving to the Westside and licking the face of a 15 year-old girl, grabbing her and propositioning her is just one example out of many why I don’t like all the new neighborhood development that is underway. Who knows what kind of pervs are moving into the neighborhood? However, there has been a few pretty hot broads looking at the condos a few blocks over. I wonder if I could use an excerpt from this story to convince them that the neighborhood welcome wagon is really friendly.

Don't leave me this way

And the "Captain Obvious Award" for pointing out the most apparent fact about the metropolitan area goes to The Star, for this lead on today's front page:

As far as population rankings go, Kansas City is dimming in the firmament of American cities. Johnson County, however, is a shining star.

Never fear! Country Club Kay is already hard at work bringing back residents to the metro one multi-million dollar condo inhabitant at a time. Because what really draws people to a city is knowing that every public official will grab their ankles for a developer or a millionaire and not flighty things like well paved roads, good schools or safe streets. Way to think out side of the box City officials of KC! You have probably made U-haul a fortune.

The Gangster Rap Game

50 Cent is a bitch. If I see him, I’m gonna slap him around for setting a bad example.

Think I’m being boastful? Let me explain: Whatever kind of tough guy 50 Cent was before he got into the rap game no longer matters. His former lifestyle is now nothing more than a distant memory; just one more thing to put on his rap resume. Now, 50 is an entertainer, a millionaire entertainer but nothing more than somebody who shows up on stage and draws a crowd . . . just like those poodles wearing tutus and clowns at the circus.

Currently, so-called rap thugs are on a crime spree in Kansas City. Stupidly, the local news is trying to connect the rising murder/crime rate to the local thugs who hide behind hip-hop. I guess blaming a form of music is easier than talking about things like inherent racism, the manufacturing base leaving the U.S., the technology gap, etc., etc. I know I’d throw away all of my Weezer CD’s if 20-something white guys would cut it out with those scruffy hair cuts and pretending to care what women think. Anyway, the truth is that the same dirtbags who are killing each other in this town while listening to and participating in rap music would also be killing each other to polka music if the sweet sounds of Poland were the current rage. The dirty little secret that local rap enthusiasts don’t like talking about is that many of the KC gangster rappers are financed by the drug trade and other criminal activities; and these activities are far more likely to lead to violence than any stupid lyrics. Think I’m speculating about the locals involved in the gangster rap game? Call it speculation if you like, but what occupation affords a Cadillac Escalade but not enough money to move out of mom’s basement? Talk to a few local gangster rappers, as I have, and vague, mumbled details about day jobs will be all you’ll get from these usually verbose lyricists.

Still, low income black people killing each other is not a tragedy in KC; if it was someone would have put forth a more serious effort to stop it years ago. The real tragedy is that every day middle class, White, Black and Hispanic young adults support this silliness with not only their dollars for CDs and merchandise but also with devoted adoration that has lifted rap music beyond a form of expression and turned it to an iconic lifestyle. And even that statement isn’t completely fair, because the gangster rap that is being blamed for the current crime wave is such a ghettoized genre of hip-hop that it is all but ignored by mainstream rap fans. In fact, the commercialization and trivialization of mainstream hip-hop makes it worse still that gangster rap is an element associated with recent crimes and murders around town as KC slouches through the summer to its deadliest year in a decade.

Crash

A plane crash shuts down the Downtown Airport this morning. "Lookie loos" certain to make your morning commute from the Northland a living hell.

Looking down on you

Here is the latest news on what was formerly the BMA building, now to be known as the snooty ass sounding "One Park Place." To think that this hang out for hot illicit gay sex will soon become the most posh KC address boggles the mind.

There will be 106 condominium units in the "Tower" - selling prices begin about $400 hundred thousand to over a many millions of dollars. Phase 2 will be 24 town homes that have a small/scaled down country French manor style of architecture - no price has been set for these yet. These will be built on top of the parking garages There will be a fine restaurant/del built on the corner of 31st across from the Fireman's fountain. Several neighbors expressed concern that the cost of these will send the appraisals of their home to a level where they won't be able to pay property taxes - but there is no good answer to that issue. .

The building is a historic structure so primarily - only the inside of the building will change. The tower's night lighting will change somewhat so the people who live there won't be bothered by the light - they will still light the vertical columns. The "tower" will be a high security building that will have a fence surrounding the courtyard - patio area - a swimming pool a putting green and other amenities to cater to a wealthy clientele.

Eventually, there will be two homeowners associations - 1 for the residents of the tower and 1 for the residents of the town homes.

As a brief aside, about fifteen years ago I was a kid and my buddy and I used to ride his moped around the adjacent Penn Valley Park when we were bored. It was there that I saw the naked body of a dead runaway who may have become a prostitute and was left for dead in the bushes. Her body had been out overnight in the late autumn cold. I didn't see much of her face but I could tell that she was young and in pretty good shape. Rebirth, renaissance, redevelopment, call it what you want I guess it's better than an open air bathhouse or a hooker dumping ground. KC is definitely changing; dead hookers are now dumped on the Eastside and hot gay hookups are now usually arranged via the Internet.

Talking in your sleep

Who says that romance is dead? Rock Chalk!

LAWRENCE, Kan. -- A naked man is accused of walking into a woman's apartment and kissing her while she was asleep early Tuesday morning.

Police said a 23-year-old Lawrence woman woke up at about 4:30 a.m. when the intruder kissed her.

School Daze

Recently, an Overland Park, Kan school official faced charges for using a not-for-profit organization’s money at a strip club. The guy allegedly spent two thousand dollars at the titty bar. Unfortunately, he couldn’t write it off as a part of his work to make sure that strippers actually go back to school instead of just using all of their tip money for clear high heels and crank.

Christmas (for power companies) in July

Energy prices are rising swiftly and even though it’s sweltering outside, soon the winter/holiday season will be upon us. Practice this festive phrase in order gear up for the holidays: “Put a sweater on and shut up Grandma!”

Residential customers of Missouri Gas Energy can expect to pay more for natural gas in the next few months as the company tries to keep up with high fuel prices.

The utility received state approval today for a 33 percent rate increase, effective Friday.

Local Restaurant Review

The Papa John's off of Wornall was recently robbed. The thieves made off with cash but didn’t take any pizza. What does that tell you?

Charmers

Snakes are on the loose in Lenexa. I’ve seen more than a few driving SUV’s and going to the mall. Animal control officers in the suburb are getting more training. Perhaps they’ll learn to lure the slithery serpents with Starbucks and promises of a promotion.

Emboldened

It’s clear that KC crooks have become emboldened by the mounting murder rate. Sadly, just like the conflicts raging overseas there is scary video of uniformed men taking fire from insurgents facing arrest. Now, if only we could squeeze a few Westport skanks into burkas we could see what U.S. troops face everyday. Lord knows the temperatures have been nearly as hot as the Middle-East in KC lately.

Sweet Release

Man, I've totally got to lighten up today. Here's a NSFW nude photo set of a Playboy model. Now excuse me, I've got to go relieve pressure. Account all future typos to a sticky keyboard . . . ewwww.

All your house . . . are belong to us!

The Kansas Law Student weighs in with a great essay regarding eminent domain and its legal impact.

This issue is important for residents of KC because of the redevelopment boom going on all over the downtown area. I’m not a lawyer (Thank God. I guess I still have a reasonable chance of not going straight to Hell) so I wouldn’t think to debate the legal ramification of the Supreme Court ruling. However, for the people of KC, I think this decision really just means more of the same.

Longtime Downtown merchants have already been chased off by Country Club Kay and her lust after vanity projects and high end retailers. Condo and loft development on the Westside will most likely have longtime residents fleeing the higher property taxes that come along with higher property values. And the empty downtown district seems to be undergoing a renaissance brought about by art loving hipsters at the Crossroads.

But if you’ve read this blog for any amount of time you know that I’ve never thought that the world is all sunshine and lollypops. Growing up in KC I’ve watched white people scurry from neighborhoods, shopping malls and schools because minorities threatened to approach. There is no such thing as integration; there are only neighborhoods, school districts and places in transition. Put simply, until the fact that white people don’t like living, eating or breathing around black people is acknowledged and addressed than all future KC real estate developments will be conducted in the shadow of the unspoken racism that has darkened this town for ages.

In terms of eminent domain, the African-American community has vacated downtown and much of the Northeast area. Similarly (no offense), the low income transient population has been pushed out as well. And the Mexicans . . . ah, those likeable bastards fit into the scenery just as easily as the pavement and they pretty much keep to themselves when they aren’t dealing drugs or promoting illegal immigration. (Which could potentially be a boon to rich downtown newbies as well, who doesn’t need cheap labor and drugs from time to time?)

Developers and condo dwellers have set upon downtown in a real estate speculation craze that rivals the gold rush. Through eminent domain, distressed property buyouts and selective code enforcement developers and the city officials that hanker after them don’t ask about their plans, they only dictate their terms. Because, in the end, everybody wants a great view of the stadium, even if it ends up looking like a defective tampon. Everybody wants a view of the skyline, even if they have to build on top of fixed income old ladies in order to get a better look.

And maybe condo and loft dwellers might someday look out and see a city transformed into a brilliant luxury shopping mall with posh eateries and hip hangouts OR Maybe all these KC downtown newbies will see the low income and minority communities they’ve displaced or built on top of, maybe they’ll notice a police force that uses excessive (and often lethal) force as their first option and maybe, just maybe they’ll see that the value of a community is defined by more than just a luxury living space with a high price tag . . .

Either that or maybe sooner or later the city’s high murder rate will claim the life of a middle class white person and people will actually comprehend the carnage on KC streets, take their valuables to the furthest hinterland suburban hideaway and deal with the commute like they’ve been doing since segregation ended. Nobody knows what the future holds for KC.

For my money

Everyone wearing a suit is trying to rob you. Otherwise, why would they care how they look? It's the same reason stick-up men wear ski masks.

Read this account (Har! Tony likes puns) of a local blogger having problems with his bank.

By the numbers

Today the Star leads with a story about local reaction to last night’s speech by President Bush. Through this blog, through magazine articles, talks with a few friends in the military and a casual conversation with a soldier on leave as we both looked at big ass blondes dancing at America’s Pub I’ve come to learn that their (the soldiers) biggest pet peeve is not differing views regarding the merit of the conflicts in Afghanistan or Iraq but rather that life at home simply goes on as if we were not a nation at war.

Think about it, were it not for this interruption into horrible summer prime-time programming, American television watchers (i.e. voters) would much rather speculate about the impending divorce of Nick and Jessica or troll the internet for naked pictures of Angelina Jolie than learn more about establishing democracy in formerly theocratic/dictatorial regimes. Remember that less than a few weeks ago most of America was glued to the tube waiting for the verdict in the Michael Jackson case.

Still, the insurgency, the merits of democracy, winning hearts and minds of Iraqis is too complicated for me to even pretend to understand. Around KC, the (honest) opinions exchanged on this topic are pretty much limited to two camps: “Fuck Bush” or “Fuck you hippie.” Round these parts, it’s pretty much a mistake to believe that most people don’t support the troops, the war and the President. We’re not talking about well spoken people who can provide intelligent quotes for newspaper hacks but rather I’m referring to the average citizen of KC and the outlying area who sweat for a living and spend most of every day getting taken advantage of by an economic system and government for which they would gladly give their lives and the lives of their children.

And that’s the real question: When are the rank and file Republicans who handily won the last election going to start having second thoughts? Sadly, like most things it’s just a question of numbers. Isn’t it always a bit depressing that life and death always boil down to numbers? Cholesterol counts, t-cell counts, crime reporting statistics, traffic accident figures and now the ongoing body count in the “War on Terror”; to live as an American is very much like living under the watchful eye of an insurance premium adjuster.

Right now, the list stands at nearly 2000 soldiers dead while participating in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom. It will no doubt take several thousand more deaths before the objectives become blurred by the carnage that simply isn’t letting up. And more than likely, more than a few of those soldiers will be from Kansas City.

Related:

Hostile Fire May Have Downed U.S. Copter

Iraq Car Bombs Kill Shiite Lawmaker, 2 GIs

“Just like music”

Check out this great new local blog: “Happy in Bag” from a resident music enthusiast. His recent essay regarding Charlie Parker CD sales in KC was especially interesting. However, I would have titled the piece “Flipping the Bird in KC.”

Parable

Every so often I read something by a local blogger that nearly floors me. Local blogger/author/genius Mac posts an amazing story today on his blog that not only made the writer in me jealous but also stirred the emotions of my inner sci-fi geek. Check out the short tale. It’s well written and well worth your time.

Fark You

The whole country is laughing at KC. Thankfully, it’s not about rising real estate prices around downtown.

Check out Fark’s latest photo shop contest: H&R Block World Headquarters. Difficulty: All Indian outsourcing jokes must celebrate and not demean that astounding culture. Info: Indian = dots not feathers.

Hopes and Dreams

If I try hard enough, pray hard enough, work hard enough, eat my vegetables and stay in school . . . I hope that someday I will be handsome, blonde, young and white and able to post great photos of myself online having fun.

I’m also trying to grow a beard.

Who’s the man?

Every weekend a bunch of aging KC hippies gather around JC Nichols fountain and protest the war. This weekend it was especially hot and muggy so I drove by the fountain, honked my horn, waved my fist and shouted “I disagree with you!” I was comfortably depleting ozone in my gas guzzler (the windows were rolled up with the air conditioner blasting) so they couldn’t hear me. They waved back, excited to seemingly have another dupe supporting their hopeless cause.

Tomorrow a local blogger is organizing a protest against The Star. However, unlike the war in Iraq the conflict against our hometown media monopoly is winnable. Still, in both cases it’s pointless to stand out in the heat waiting to get shot. Simply cancel your subscription (like so many have done), read local bloggers, start one of your own and encourage others to do the same.

So much of what’s in all of this town’s newspapers is either advertorial garbage or just outright propaganda. Sure, blogs are just as bad but nobody but Nick Denton is making a fortune from the ramblings of a daily blog. In fact, the very nature of blogs, the internet and hyperlinking insure that no single source will have dominion over information. In that respect, the blog, bloglines and the Internet could be the greatest achievement in journalism since that skinhead kicked Geraldo Rivera’s ass.

Read the tripe, read about blogger’s cats, their unending string of unsuccessful relationships or their stupid opinions about the daily news. Read and finally realize that all of those personally published words are not much more than the opinion of some asshole with the power to take their message global just like that other asshole Rupert Murdoch. Read blogs and realize that just because it’s printed, published or broadcast doesn’t mean it’s worthwhile, informative or even that interesting. This is the real contribution of blogs . . . they have turned the news into a commodity instead of a trusted brand and brought all of the other media outlets down to their level. Or at least made it more than apparent that you don’t need to be a genius, wealthy, good looking or even moderately interesting in order to have an opinion that people will consider.

And someday soon, maybe corporate ownership won’t be synonymous with a trusted source of information, someday press releases in print won’t be published as fact and supported by advertisers monetizing your eyeballs. But then again, maybe someday they’ll invent a better penis pill and you’ll never have to a break from looking at online porn again.

“Screw you guys, I’m going home!” says KC Schools Superintendent

I was born and raised in Kansas City. My whole life, I’ve never lived far out of sight of the downtown skyline. Like all KC natives, I don’t trust people who just moved here.

I’ve met Dr. Taylor a number of times I didn’t like him. I didn’t like his expensive suits and pointy shoes. I liked him even less when I learned that he resides in one of the city’s most expensive and posh residences. It turns out that Dr. Taylor was simply using this town as another stepping stone in his career, another notch in his belt.

Kansas City schools Superintendent Bernard Taylor interviewed Sunday for the vacant superintendent’s post in his hometown of Pittsburgh.

Reached Monday in Pittsburgh where he is attending a conference, Taylor acknowledged the interview but declined to comment further.

Career minded out-of-towners are one of the worst things for KC. In sports, city government and the press out-of-towners usually only work for themselves while amassing benefit from KC. At the end of the day, (considering playoff wins and overall season records) Neil Smith and Johnny Damon never did KC sports teams any good but the expertise gained in KC helped them trade up to championship teams. Similarly, the local media is comprised of nothing more than good looking, vapid and ambitious “journalists” who would like nothing more than to move on to the next bigger city and salary. Likewise, it’s distressing that many of our highest ranking city officials often come from out of town and view KC simply as an entry on their resume.

In the end, Taylor never reconciled his differences with the school bored (er board, Freudian slip) or the insane parent activists that troll every school board meeting. Taylor’s inability to build consensus will most likely be the legacy of his tenure. It’s obvious that somebody from KC, someone who knew this town and its people, might have been able to do a better job.

Closure

I’m always surprised how many stupid expectations people hold. I’m just as guilty as anybody else; I expect local media to be fair and informative. Similarly, the morons sitting in a Wichita courtroom expected remorse from a serial killer.

Dennis Rader's matter-of-fact admission Monday that he is the BTK killer brought a wave of relief from the community he haunted for so long -- and disgust from an entranced public that heard him recount the grisly details of his crimes.

It’s also priceless how local media put on a shocked expression while recounting EVERY SINGLE GRISLY DETAIL and feigning disgust. Those gory details bolster the local news and are the sole reason that anybody gives a shit about anything going on in Wichita right now.

Thankfully, the absence of a death penalty in Kansas will mercifully preempt any whining from the families of the victims regarding “closure.” The victims of BTK are long gone and his death wouldn’t promote justice or prevent any further nut-jobs from killing Kansans. In a recent interview I heard one of the victim’s relatives make veiled allusions to prison rape and I thought that the lack of a Kansas death penalty is a good thing if only to protect serial killers from grief stricken psychos.

Another Year Older . . .

Today is my birthday. Don’t send me any congratulations, I have an e-mail program that automatically responds with: “Screw you blog reading poser. Try as hard as you want space monkeys, you’ll never take my cheese! You go to hell, you go to hell and you die!” (You’d be surprised how much that generic response covers) But thank you for the sentiments and if you feel inclined to celebrate my happy day, then give the finger to the screen while watching the local television news or when conducting your daily masturbation ritual think about Kelly Eckerman for a moment OR after you finish your paper quietly mutter to yourself and anyone standing around you in the unemployment office . . . “it’s all lies.”

Anyway, it’s been a good year and I’m thankful that I have completed another 365 day orbit around the Sun and survived to still convert oxygen into CO2 more efficiently than ever. Additionally, I’m very happy that I’ve found a new girlfriend and that we’ve become swingers . . . mood swingers! Har! That one cracked me up and left her giving me an expression similar to something that you might shoot at a mentally challenged kid who just spilled ice cream all over himself.

Last night I was bothering her while she was watching ‘Six Feet Under’ and captured this photo of my schweetie looking vaguely annoyed while she was trying to watch TV and I was shoving a camera in her face:



If I had the software to convert the photo set into an animation you would have seen her spring to her feet as her fist moved toward the camera. Then you might have seen a few shots of the ultra depressing TV program as the camera and I dropped to the floor.

Later, after awaking from my stupor, we talked about birthdays and we both came to the conclusion that they are wasted (like most things) on children. The older you get, birthdays should become a bigger deal and a 100th birthday should be like one of those mythic Greek orgies or at least a 50 Cent video. It doesn’t take much to make it out of grade school BUT surviving your 20’s, 30’s and so on . . . that’s an accomplishment.

La vie en rose

Sacre Blue!

The French ambassador to the United States will visit Kansas City July 19 to talk about common challenges facing the two nations.

I’m not sure what the details of the talk will entail but I can imagine that it’ll be somewhat along the lines of:

“Meeting in the middle: How we can reconcile subtle hatred of Muslims with outright rage against those insurgent/terrorist/ancient civilization having bastards”

I would go check out the event but it’s a luncheon and having someone unconditionally surrender to me before dinner is just plain embarrassing.

Smog Smothers KC

Smog Smothers KC

Once and for all bitches, Ozone = Smog and weather people are just trying to be PC.

Ozone pollution is created by mixing what are known as background pollutants — such as emissions from internal-combustion engines — with an abundance of sunlight and heat.

The heat and all of the bastards driving around this town in SUV’s threatens to choke us all.

The string of high-ozone days meant people with allergies or respiratory ailments were at greater risk. And although predictions call for a lessening of the problem today, we’re not out of the woods yet, both in the short term and long term...

High levels could put the region back on the road to violating the federal air-quality standards Kansas City just achieved this year. If that were to happen — and it’s not imminent — it would cost the region millions in air-cleanup costs.

Damn, glass half-empty motherfuckers. Look at it this way; the rising murder rate and the smog in this town are signs that we are a growing metropolis. You didn’t think all of this redevelopment was gonna be hoity-toity Crossroad art shows and black people being forced to pack up and move to Grandview . . . did you? No, call it growing pains. As long as you’ve got a bullet proof vest and a hyperbaric chamber, you should be golden.

Theoretical

Theoretical

In a recent poll, 31 percent of a sample group of Kansas voters said that educators should offer theories other than evolution.

Awesome! Here are some alternative theories:

- Man did not evolve from apes. Talking monkeys and other hand signing simians propagate this myth, lest we discover that monkeys posses the most delicious, carb free, protein enriched flesh on the planet. Little known fact: Monkey meat also whitens teeth.

- The fossil record is a lie. Pirates who don’t want you finding their buried treasure are just fucking with you.

- Adaptation is also a falsehood as evidence by the thousands of Kansas who still think it’s 1952.

Additionally . . .

- Condoms cause cancer. It’s not really related but I just thought I’d throw that one in there to go along with all the other theories.

Long live the King

Local blogger GJoe may not be hanging up his keyboard but he’s retiring his blog. What happens to a retired blog? Does it do beer commercials? Do retired blogs get in trouble years later after receiving a DWI or inappropriately flirting with women that are much too young? God forbid, can a retired blog put on weight?

I don’t know but what I do know is that I’ll miss the words of GJoe. His blog was the inspiration for this page. However, I don’t think this page will ever provide such captivating content. Where GJoe’s writing is smart and heartfelt, at my best, my words are snarky and offensive.

GJoe is the blogger that I’d like to be . . . In his final post, GJoe states that the quality of his blog was proportional to the instability in his life. Thankfully, everything is now running smoothly for GJoe but it makes me wonder if a cocaine binge and beating up a few strippers might generate some more traffic around this place. There is only one way to find out . . .

Feedback: Groove Thang

I hope the author of this e-mail doesn't mind that I'm sharing this but it's really informative and worth reading. I received this e-mail in regard to my nonsensical Capoeira post:

I have studied the martial arts for a number of years. I actually got my black belt in a Japanese style in 2000. That said...My favorite part of the martial arts is having control of my body - and making beautiful moves. I would say that the martial arts are very similar to dancing. In Japan, teachers would make "kata" which was designed to allow their students to practice their martial arts moves under the guise of dancing - as formal training in self defense was against the law. SO, they pretended to dance while honing their skills at the art of keeping themselves alive. Having studied, I believe they are closely related...and there is nothing wrong with working the two together as they are born through each other. I would also consider both dancing and martial arts to be one form of self expression. Mutating either to express yourself better is - okay - as far as I am concerned.

Good to know. Thanks for the feedback!

Alternative to what?

BlogKC has a great post detailing new art shows in town modeled after the success of First Fridays.

I was going to title this post "Where the wild things aren't" but that would have been entirely too racist and self-loathing.

Still, I've been to First Fridays a few times (I have walked among them) and it seems to be a very vanilla affair. Fine, but it leads me to this observation:

Modern art is the equivalent of country music for hipsters . . . Which is to say that wherever you see or hear either form of expression, you're lucky to encounter any more than a few minorities.

Just a thought, but check it out and your results probably won't vary.

Roots

KC Leaders put on a press conference to stop rising murder rate. Read the gory details here:

The group, including Mayor Kay Barnes and Police Chief Jim Corwin, had gathered to discuss the root causes of violent crime among youths and possible solutions in light of the city's rising homicide rate.

The city on Tuesday recorded its 53rd homicide, compared with 37 at the same time last year " the most at this time since 1998. That year the city ended up with 133 homicides.

Among the homicides this year, six victims were 18 and younger, officials said.

Other groups are also concerned. Move Up has activities planned for its Violence Prevention Weekend.

The goal, said Move Up's Melissa Robinson-Thompson, is to raise community awareness of both violence and ways to combat it.

The ranting at the meeting continued:

"Young people have nothing to do and nowhere to go," he said. "She could have been somewhere else, but this is all she sees around her."

I've heard a variation of this gem a million times, all we need is another community center or basketball program or dance night (at taxpayer expense) and the city's crime problem will be solved.

Maybe the answer to KC's rising murder rate is MORE violence. Violence in terms of parents beating their gun carrying, drug dealing children or maybe someone putting the smackdown on irresponsible parents as well. Certainly, I support the KCPD and pro-violence stance against Grandmas. Now, if only we could focus some of those hard fisted tactics against some of the younger thugs roaming this city's streets. (The Star)

The Hustle

Capoeira is a centuries old Afro-Brazilian martial art and it’s also as fruity as hell. In Kansas City, there is a group of Capoeira dancers who perform at different local events and make me uncomfortable. It’s not that I don’t like dancing; I’m just as skilled at doing the “Fat Man Swivel” to a 50 Cent song as anybody else, but something about this group makes me want to shake my booty into the distance.

Yeah, yeah you can tell me about all the great history and culture that go into the art form but it seems like something a few stoned college kids got conned into . . . like going to a Phish concert, voting Democrat or dating an Asian person. Additionally, I’m sure it takes quite a bit of physical strength, endurance and coordination but so does talking to your grandmother while trying to participate in online poker. Still, I’ve never played to a crowd. (Coincidentally, do you have any idea how many times I’ve nearly called my grandmother a “filthy, cocksucking mother of a whore” after losing a hand? It takes skill to multi-task my friend.)

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that these local frolicking hose bags and their dead art form reek of poserdom. Sure, everybody is allowed a hobby but co-opting a dance born out of hundreds of years of struggle is about as offensive as my American flag thong; which fits very well, by the way. And if recent photos I've seen of the group are correct, I see only a couple of members of the group who share the same lineage of the originators of the dance/martial art/mating ritual/whatever. Basically, watching Capoeira dancers brings about the same feeling I get when encountering the pale skinned “homies” at Overland Park Mall with their hats tilted to the side, looking like they robbed the wardrobe truck on the set of the latest Ludacris video. Two words: Culture Vultures.

Initially, I had some concerns about writing this but then I thought if any of the Capoeira dancers wanted to kick my ass they would have to wait for the drummers to get in place and all their buddies to start hopping around and twirling in unison. By then, I’d be long gone.

Tweaking

You know, I think half the fun of having a blog is screwing around with it. You'll notice yet another format change and yet another (most likely) fruitless attempt at a content tweak.

This blog is quickly moving close to its second anniversary and it is missing its goals in terms of traffic and enjoyment. Sure, it's fun to make fun of the news but it seems like there are only so many jokes I can make regarding this town's ever increasing murder rate and flasher sightings.

So what does the future hold? I have no idea.

This blog will either rise to the occasion (and my expectations) or will simply collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

In the meantime, I'll simply keep writing what I feel like and linking what I think is funny, interesting or important. Which is to say, I'll keep blogging even if I don't know what the hell I'm talking about . . . Isn't that the "blogger's credo" or something?