Friday, December 02, 2005

Assume the position



Johnson County is looking for a PR person. Obviously, the job calls for lying, other forms of duplicity and putting on a fake smile . . . so it's best suited for a woman. Here are some more possible job requirements:

- Must get people to forget that the golden ghetto is a vampire like community that feeds of the taxes and tax funded attractions of KCMO.

- No fatties.

- Must emphasize the "free state" roots of Kansas in order to compensate for the hatred of science, literature and minorities by the current populace.

- Must be able to suck a golf ball through a garden hose, the chrome off a trailer hitch or some facsimile thereof.

- Must be flexible in approaching . . . um, just plain flexible is just fine.

- The main job requirement is to portray JoCo as anything but a microcosm of the emptiness of American culture. You know, the society that was built on slave labor and genocide and is now maintained by cheap labor and what sometimes comes dangerously close to imperialism. I mean, c'mon you don't think living this nice while standing on the throats of not only other countries but also neighboring communities isn't gonna engender some hard feelings? Only a dumb whore JoCo housewife is naive enough to ask why they hate us.

Yeah, that about covers the requirements and qualifications. Study up, my little PR vixens and you could have a shot at the job. Oh, and don't forget to bring lube and kneepads if you're a woman who is serious about advancing your career.

8 Comments:

kangamini said...

As a fag, I have to say that pic is still pretty hot. Thanks Tony.. lol

emawkc said...

Tony, you're a rabid anti-JoCo-ite.

Anonymous said...

Tony --- can you come out and fix my roof?

Anonymous said...

kangamini - you could be healed if you would just pray enough. Come out to First Family Church in God's country of JOCO. We will Baptize you and then you will think all the skanks are hot.

KCRamos said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
KCRamos said...

This is the only place where you can have Blackbob Street, and a neighborhood called Whitehaven. Kiss my Jackson County Mo. Ass.

Faith said...

Heeeyyy! I love Whitehaven! And they even have a motor lodge! (Which is quite a sweet little place to stay, FYI...I always stayed there when I came back to visit while I was stuck in Cali, and I even lived there for 2 weeks when I first moved back to KS back in 2000. It's only $44 a night!)

But, then again, I'm white. And I'm a chick, who happens to be what most might consider to be a "fatty". Unfortunately, I can honestly say that sucking a golf ball through a garden hose is impossible for me. Also, as my neighbors down the street are what I would consider rather undesireable (a.k.a. the epitome of "white trash"), I'm sure I couldn't support the portrayal of JoCo as a "microcosm of the emptiness of American culture". Because without white trash, where would us fatass chicks who drive BMWs we can't afford be? That's right...we'd be in Jackson County, MO my friends.*

So I guess I'd better not apply for that job, eh?

*If Tony is the only person who catches my humor in this note, then I'm sorry. Sort of. Ok, not really.

JustCara said...

Sorry to burst your cherry (er) bubble, but Whitehaven and the Whitehaven Motel are named for the Whitehaven FAMILY.

And Jackson County, Missouri is home to CRACKERNECK Road, so any ass-kissing will be directed thisaway, kcramos. :)