Show-Me Osama

Recently, a federal judge ruled that the Islamic American Relief Agency-USA, based in Columbia (MO), supported terrorists and was part of a network of groups that backed U.S. enemies. The relief agency denies the charges and says it’s just a charity but apparently they don’t know that nobody gives a fuck what brown people say in the middle of Missouri.

I won’t go into the details of the case because I don’t really know whether or not those people are terrorists but I will say that they don’t stand a chance of getting a fair trial because they are have dark complexions and stupid sounding names. I’ll also note that terrorists in Missouri just don’t make any fucking sense; there is nothing here to blow up. Nobody cares enough about anything in this shithole in order to rejoice at its destruction. The World Trade Center was an engineering marvel, a wonder of the world . . . Somehow I don’t see the world shuddering in terror if some Jihadist took out all of middle Missouri and subsequently weakened the world’s supply of Walnut Bowls.

Thing is, I know where the Muslims in Missouri made their mistake. If they weren’t secretly working to overthrow the world from some shitty office in Columbia, Missouri (doubtful) they were guilty of giving a shit about their homeland and their brethren across the world. That is simply Un-American. If Muslims in America don’t want to catch hell, they are going to have to completely sell out. No more trips to Mecca and nothing more than lip service to the values of their religion. Just like Americans they would probably do good to completely forget about any priorities other than making as much money as possible and having sex with white women. Church, Temple, Synagogue or Mosque is for nothing other than sleeping off a hangover from the previous nights partying; this is the American way.

Every group of immigrants has undergone this same problem. German people came to the U.S. and because they are a war mongering, hateful race of people who started two world wars they totally had to abandon their bullshit culture. Is there any semblance of a cultural identity of the “German-American?” Italians and the Irish had things a little tougher and that’s why they formed mobs, bought I-ROCs, drank excessively and use copious amounts of hairspray. Likewise, people have always yelled at Mexicans to learn English but never really complained as long as their yard was neatly trimmed.

In the end, the only option for all immigrants is to swallow your dignity, pride, honor and traditions and get in line at Wal-Mart like everybody else. Truth be told, this option is easier than it seems. Why hold on to the faith of your fathers when you can have Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes staring at you with their dead eyes!!! So have hope Missouri Muslims! As long as you forsake all of your values and traditions in favor of all-you-can-eat buffets and the god given right to drive and SUV, you will live (relatively) free from persecution.