School Haze

I would say that all fraternities are nothing more than racist, childish factions that exist only to mercilessly fuck loose white women, drink cheap beer and suppress the homosexual urges of their members but that’s only true of the good ones. For the most part, a fraternity is like any other group of people who gather together for camaraderie or shared interest; which is to say that they’re also misguided, insecure and gullible. A fraternity is for people who need help finding friends. The kind of person that would join a fraternity is also somebody who might unconsciously wait in the men’s restroom to smell other people’s farts.

Recently, a national fraternity has revoked the charter of its chapter at KU because of a hazing incident. Frankly, I’m against the strict hazing regulations imposed on fraternities. If you’re stupid enough to want to hang around a bunch of dudes and wait on them hand and foot (read: gay) then you deserve whatever kind of humiliation that you get. I would only suggest that they wear condoms. In fact, I suggest they wear ribbed ones for their protection and pleasure.

I won’t waste much time addressing sororities. I’ve seen the inner workings of a sorority and it seemed like nothing more than a glorified dick sucking contest. Besides, everyone knows that women are incapable of sincere friendships. Women will pretend to be sisters with another female while secretly hoping and praying that their lifelong friend will be stricken with a terminal case of breast cancer.

Minority fraternities are the worst. It’s like watching somebody put nice rims on a Hyundai or drink an expensive Pinot Noir while eating White Castle. Most college associations were meant to keep the darkies out. Starting a club, pretending to be elite, mimicking the man might be a great form of flattery to white people but it makes the participants look like trained circus animals. There is a group of Latinas at KU who have their own sorority. You can smell them coming . . . just put your nose in the air and wait for the aroma of cheap perfume and burritos. Normally, they would call the club a “single-mothers support group” but everything works differently in the within the ivory towers of a University. I would spend some time ripping on black frats as well but a career rife with affirmative action jobs and uncomfortable smiles following college seems like punishment enough.

Anyway, the point of this screed is that joining any kind of group is usually a bad decision. There are enough people in this world who want to tell you what to do. Clearly, all that you’ll get from a fraternity is some ritual abuse, humiliation and an empty feeling when it’s all over. And if you really want those things, it’d be much easier to join an organized religion. At least you’d get a tax write-off.