Prom Night in Kansas City

Recently, I sat down with my brother to watch "Prom Night in Kansas City." The documentary is billed as "An exploration of the consummate American coming-of-age ritual as it is observed in middle America." Obviously, the story centers around the various rituals undertaken by different socio-economic groups of kids preparing for their respective proms.

Hali Lee serves as the director and narrator of this behind the scenes look into a mainstay of Midwestern teenage life. She proudly proclaims that she has been "obsessed" with prom since her teenage years. Apparently, her prom didn't live up to her expectations. As she revealed this fact, immediately I knew the source of her problem.

She's Asian.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but "the prom" isn't intended for minorities. The prom is for "Mary Jane Rotten Crotch" and all her bitchy little cohorts. As a teenager, if you aren't blonde and nobody in your family is blonde then the prom is not for you. Having said that, if you are white . . . by all means . . . Enjoy! The documentary featured and exceptionally whiney young man from one of the Shawnee Mission High Schools that couldn't get over the pretentiousness of the whole event and seemingly drove himself crazy by the end of the movie. I was almost sure that the end of the film was gonna contain a shootout scene where the malcontent finally found a way to make Daddy notice him. Truly, there is nothing worse than a white person who feels guilty for all of their advantages . . . there's nothing worse than a young liberal.

Watching the movie with my brother was like watching a Discovery Channel special on Mars. Neither of us went to the prom and our frame of reference was based solely on John Hughes movies. Thankfully, there is no Latino equivalent to the prom since most Latinas already have a couple of kids by the age of 16 . Still, the director took great pains to portray the subtle differences of different prom rituals from one group to the next; this was the strongest aspect of the film.

The Mormon take on prom proved to be the most interesting. No dancing, no revealing dresses, no music and pretty much no fun. It was hilarious seeing a 300lb lady dutifully making sure that the trim young bodies of 18 year-old girls were fully covered. Clearly, eating was the only pleasure that this woman's faith offered. I can only hope that when Jebus comes back and takes his super fun slide down the cool looking tower in Independence he'll tell those people to lighten the fuck up.

All in all, the movie was pretty entertaining and down right informative in some parts. While the documentary didn't ever shed the stereotypes thrust upon the kids, it did serve to accurately explain their surroundings. Sadly, not once did the director refer to all the fucking that takes place on prom night and it seems as if that lack of penetrative insight rendered the film somewhat impotent and bereft of true anthropological credibility . Still, watching this film I realized that I didn't miss much by skipping the prom. Thankfully, there will always be large social occasions where white women wear stupid looking outfits, get drunk and have sex with the person standing closest to them. Prom is one of the first nights of drunken mistakes for so many people, but it's rarely the last.