You Fucking Pussy!

Yesterday, a Tonganoxie teenager was awarded 250K because a jury decided that the school district failed to stop the bullying that ultimately led him to drop out of school. If that's justice, every dork, loser, homosexual, minority and prematurely tall girl should soon expect a check in the mail.

A quarter of a million for a shitty high school experience? You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Here's a few stories about the bullying that went on in the course of my Catholic education:

• The star jock used to spit on all the Mexican kids as they walked home.


• Spanish speaking dominant kids were put in all of the retarded classes.


• The priest used to prank my parents when they were a few days late with a tuition payment. "Hey me-ster, it's that time of the month, essay."


• I was a proud member of the cafeteria "brown spot"


• I still can't eat a burrito in public for fear of drawing insults.

There's more to add the list but it's not worth the time. Any high school nerd probably holds a mental index of humiliations far worse and more numerous than mine. Additionally, somehow I think that enduring the scorn of jocular, young white males makes you even more attractive to white women later on in life. Anyway, high school is supposed to be about humiliation, bullying and injustice. It's all preparation for the real world where they don't just take your lunch money, they run off with your pension.

Paying a kid because he had a hard time is counterproductive. It's the kids who had a hard time that go on to accomplish great things. Wonder why Bill Gates rules your desktop with an iron fist? Because he probably didn't get his first blow job until he had a million bucks in his bank account. In fact, in a certain sense I'm sure every scientific breakthough owes a small debt to bitchy high school girls who wouldn't give the time of day to a guy with a pronounced overbite, acne or an oddly shaped head. I'd bet that high school bullying has ultimately led to great accomplishments in the arts, sciences, literature along with all the sports cars purchased in its wake.

And a 250K reward for being a dork isn't really that valuable in the end. Seeing your prom queen become a whore, watching the football star become a fat drunken oaf, learning that the funny guy now sells insurance and that your ex-girlfriend married some rich Korean dude . . . those things are priceless.

The kid can have his money I guess. In the end I hope it's clear to every teenager that high school doesn't last forever and it's not nearly as important as people think. Lawsuits are a great way to score some fast cash and that's probably an important life lesson. But the bullying doesn't end at graduation. Hillary Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, The Pope, Matt Blunt, Osama bin Laden, Michael Moore, Rush Limbaugh, Harvey Weinstein, George Soros, Kay Barnes, Kim Jong-Il, Steve Glorioso, Fred Phelps, Mike Murphy, Oprah Winfrey, KC downtown real estate developers, Dick Cheney and Kelly Eckerman are all living proof that bullies are out there waiting to give you a hard time long after high school is over.