KANSAS CITY LATE NIGHT SPECIAL: THE TKC GLORIA SQUITIRO E-BOOK DROPS TONIGHT!!!

We know that close readers of this blog are checking in between whatever it is they might doing on a Kansas City Friday night.

Who knows, what you d-bags are up to . . . It could be trying to look important in one of our grubby entertainment districts, waiting for a cheating spouse to come home, pretending to listen to a significant other while perusing TKC AWESOME content offerings or maybe just stalking the Kansas City political scene looking for some good stuff.

Whatever the case . . .

AFTER FAR TOO LONG . . . WE HAVE FINALLY COMPLETED THE GLORIA SQUITIRO E-BOOK AND WANT TO OFFER LATE NIGHT TKC READING D-BAGS THE FIRST LOOK @ CHAPTER ONE!!!

This thing took way too long to put together and we're still not totally pleased with it . . . Advance copies of the e-book go out in just a few minutes to people who already PURCHASED AND PRE-ORDERED around X-mas time, but like all things. The closest blog readers get first look.

So, for checking our bloggy goodness late at night . . . Here's a reward . . . This is the first chapter of our e-book awesome regarding Kansas City's former "First Lady" Gloria Squitiro.

Chapter 1

Worst Foot Forward

It all starts with her feet.


Gloria Squitiro was a housewife for most of her adult life and her moderately comfortable existence afforded her the luxury of going without shoes for most of her days. Footwear was far too constricting for this free spirit who fancied herself both a spiritual guru and birthing coach.

She called herself a "doula" which is something akin to an amateur midwife and it’s a profession that's largely unregulated and somewhat controversial in many states. But the fact is that she had few clients and spent most of her time at home keeping herself occupied with the workaday activities of average Midwestern housewives along with a few minor eccentricities that were mostly unnoticed to her neighbors. Her penchant for black clothes could have been an effort to find slimming attire or a brief flirtation with the occult that permeates many "psychic" fairs and midtown festivals which are popular among the "spiritual" set in Kansas City, Missouri.

Whatever the case, while her husband Mark Funkhouser toiled away as an auditor at City Hall, the eccentricities of Gloria Squitiro were unnoticed and unimportant.

However, the very second that the Funkhouser campaign for mayor began, Gloria's footwear became an issue.

At the risk of being cruel and acknowledging that very few people have attractive feet -- There is not a single person on record or in known existence who will admit anything less than the fact that Gloria's tootsies are horrific.

Bulbous, bruised, vein-y and large, the feet of this Kansas City housewife are better covered for the benefit of anyone in the vicinity and out of respect & common courtesy.

But Gloria preferred to go barefoot in her home, outside, in her husband's double-wide trailer campaign office and finally at the Mayor's office in City Hall.

Kansas City had never seen anything quite like her. The Mayor Mark Funkhouser's staff had never seen feet so grotesque and her lasting impression on this small, Midwestern town would be historic.

They called her the "first lady" when the reaction to her overbearing presence in the Mayor's office became part of the public discourse. The "First Lady" tag was a desperate attempt to earn respect and a call to the civility of which Kansas City prides itself. It didn't work for a lot of reasons but mostly because anybody who knew Gloria understood that the lofty "First Lady" title didn't fit her brash and confrontational style. She wasn't anything close to a typical politician's wife. Even at the outset of Mayor Mark Funkhouser's campaign for Mayor -- Gloria Squitiro was caustic, opinionated, domineering and in complete control of every aspect of his public image. Politicians take on patrons and a great many debts to earn elected office but it was clear that NOBODY but Gloria Squitiro ran Mark Funkhouser. From the outset of his campaign, smarter political operatives among the local political set sought out Gloria’s advice instead of asking for the opinion of the former City Hall Auditor turned reluctant candidate.

The dirty and blacked soles of her feet plodded along the Funkhouser/Squitiro front porch in order to deliver messages and eaves drop on political conversations. At the "double wide" campaign office Gloria Squitiro's toenails scraped the cheap factory carpet of the makeshift campaign headquarters in order to monitor and garner updates from workers. Embroiled in controversy, Gloria Squitiro attempted to persuade a newspaper reporter and poured out her soul while making seemingly heartfelt pleas for understanding along the lines of sisterhood. During the conversation her shoes came off out of habit as the lady reporter sat in shock and realized that the rumors about Gloria's barefoot proclivity were correct.

Voters can forgive a lot of things but a middle-aged, overweight, domineering woman assuming control of a public office that was granted to bring reform to a financially unstable City Hall was simply too much for the electorate to bear.

Kansas City residents might debate the details for years to come but there's no denying that Gloria Squitiro's feet played a HUGE part in the political downfall of her husband and so much antipathy directed their way. Leadership styles and office politics can be debated but there simply isn't any appeasing taxpayers grossed out by the image of bare feet stomping throughout City Hall’s corridors of power.

Nebuchadnezzar dreamed about feet of clay and the prophet Daniel interpreted the vision as part of a flaw in character and leadership of the Babylonian King - For Mark Funkhouser it would be Gloria's feet that inspired so much animosity and a nightmare of public scorn, ridicule and derision heretofore unseen in the history of Kansas City.
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