Friday, April 11, 2014

KANSAS CITY LATE NIGHT SPECIAL: THE TKC GLORIA SQUITIRO E-BOOK DROPS TONIGHT!!!



We know that close readers of this blog are checking in between whatever it is they might doing on a Kansas City Friday night.

Who knows, what you d-bags are up to . . . It could be trying to look important in one of our grubby entertainment districts, waiting for a cheating spouse to come home, pretending to listen to a significant other while perusing TKC AWESOME content offerings or maybe just stalking the Kansas City political scene looking for some good stuff.

Whatever the case . . .

AFTER FAR TOO LONG . . . WE HAVE FINALLY COMPLETED THE GLORIA SQUITIRO E-BOOK AND WANT TO OFFER LATE NIGHT TKC READING D-BAGS THE FIRST LOOK @ CHAPTER ONE!!!

This thing took way too long to put together and we're still not totally pleased with it . . . Advance copies of the e-book go out in just a few minutes to people who already PURCHASED AND PRE-ORDERED around X-mas time, but like all things. The closest blog readers get first look.

So, for checking our bloggy goodness late at night . . . Here's a reward . . . This is the first chapter of our e-book awesome regarding Kansas City's former "First Lady" Gloria Squitiro.

Chapter 1

Worst Foot Forward

It all starts with her feet.


Gloria Squitiro was a housewife for most of her adult life and her moderately comfortable existence afforded her the luxury of going without shoes for most of her days. Footwear was far too constricting for this free spirit who fancied herself both a spiritual guru and birthing coach.

She called herself a "doula" which is something akin to an amateur midwife and it’s a profession that's largely unregulated and somewhat controversial in many states. But the fact is that she had few clients and spent most of her time at home keeping herself occupied with the workaday activities of average Midwestern housewives along with a few minor eccentricities that were mostly unnoticed to her neighbors. Her penchant for black clothes could have been an effort to find slimming attire or a brief flirtation with the occult that permeates many "psychic" fairs and midtown festivals which are popular among the "spiritual" set in Kansas City, Missouri.

Whatever the case, while her husband Mark Funkhouser toiled away as an auditor at City Hall, the eccentricities of Gloria Squitiro were unnoticed and unimportant.

However, the very second that the Funkhouser campaign for mayor began, Gloria's footwear became an issue.

At the risk of being cruel and acknowledging that very few people have attractive feet -- There is not a single person on record or in known existence who will admit anything less than the fact that Gloria's tootsies are horrific.

Bulbous, bruised, vein-y and large, the feet of this Kansas City housewife are better covered for the benefit of anyone in the vicinity and out of respect & common courtesy.

But Gloria preferred to go barefoot in her home, outside, in her husband's double-wide trailer campaign office and finally at the Mayor's office in City Hall.

Kansas City had never seen anything quite like her. The Mayor Mark Funkhouser's staff had never seen feet so grotesque and her lasting impression on this small, Midwestern town would be historic.

They called her the "first lady" when the reaction to her overbearing presence in the Mayor's office became part of the public discourse. The "First Lady" tag was a desperate attempt to earn respect and a call to the civility of which Kansas City prides itself. It didn't work for a lot of reasons but mostly because anybody who knew Gloria understood that the lofty "First Lady" title didn't fit her brash and confrontational style. She wasn't anything close to a typical politician's wife. Even at the outset of Mayor Mark Funkhouser's campaign for Mayor -- Gloria Squitiro was caustic, opinionated, domineering and in complete control of every aspect of his public image. Politicians take on patrons and a great many debts to earn elected office but it was clear that NOBODY but Gloria Squitiro ran Mark Funkhouser. From the outset of his campaign, smarter political operatives among the local political set sought out Gloria’s advice instead of asking for the opinion of the former City Hall Auditor turned reluctant candidate.

The dirty and blacked soles of her feet plodded along the Funkhouser/Squitiro front porch in order to deliver messages and eaves drop on political conversations. At the "double wide" campaign office Gloria Squitiro's toenails scraped the cheap factory carpet of the makeshift campaign headquarters in order to monitor and garner updates from workers. Embroiled in controversy, Gloria Squitiro attempted to persuade a newspaper reporter and poured out her soul while making seemingly heartfelt pleas for understanding along the lines of sisterhood. During the conversation her shoes came off out of habit as the lady reporter sat in shock and realized that the rumors about Gloria's barefoot proclivity were correct.

Voters can forgive a lot of things but a middle-aged, overweight, domineering woman assuming control of a public office that was granted to bring reform to a financially unstable City Hall was simply too much for the electorate to bear.

Kansas City residents might debate the details for years to come but there's no denying that Gloria Squitiro's feet played a HUGE part in the political downfall of her husband and so much antipathy directed their way. Leadership styles and office politics can be debated but there simply isn't any appeasing taxpayers grossed out by the image of bare feet stomping throughout City Hall’s corridors of power.

Nebuchadnezzar dreamed about feet of clay and the prophet Daniel interpreted the vision as part of a flaw in character and leadership of the Babylonian King - For Mark Funkhouser it would be Gloria's feet that inspired so much animosity and a nightmare of public scorn, ridicule and derision heretofore unseen in the history of Kansas City.
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46 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice cover. Go to design school. Dang it.

Anonymous said...

You shift tenses so much it's like a tennis match, and a bad one at that.

So you couldn't afford an editor?

Jesus.

Anonymous said...

Tolstoy couldn't have produced an epic of this magnitude!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't think the former first lady merits a book. Even an e-book!

Anonymous said...

You actually think Tony cares anymore? He used to, but he is so caught up now in his own " persona" that none of that matters (journalism) . What kills me though is that people (current elected officials) even admit this blog is worth their time.

Gobi said...

The reason that elected officials read this blog is because people still show up on a Saturday night to bitch about and then probably complain about it to their friends too.

You disprove your own point @11:21.

Anonymous said...

another gulag writer

Anonymous said...

I will wait for the Squitiro nude photos. I am a fan of the grand saucy woman. When is she moving back?

Anonymous said...

Tony is smart as shit and even wittier- that's why we read this blog all the time. Plus he has all inside dope better than any news outlet.

Anonymous said...

I like it a lot. Have a snack cake and fix those tenses.

Anonymous said...

Nice work T. Got a couple of giggles out of it.

Miss Sweetie Pie said...

Mr. Tony,
Please don't speak of Squitiro. She is Beetle Juice.
I still see her in my mind's eye when I drive down Wornall. There she is lumbering along on foot headed to the Plaza. She carries a tatty quilt purse, one of Funkhouser's cast off briefcases and a laptop. Even from a distance I see her one pair of faded black pedal pushers bearing the mark of wear and tear.
Her Neanderthal brow is furrowed with wretched puzzlement. She is trying to tease out why her life sucks.

No, Mr. Tony, speak not of the beast. We are content that she is not roaming loose in our city.

We suffered and survived the idiocy of that administration only to be bedeviled with more of the same selfishness from the current Mayor. We remain damned.

Anonymous said...

Is that the pic of old blabber mouth "praying for you"?

Anonymous said...

Let me guess, Forward by Byron 'I can't wipe my own ass' Funkhouser.
Are you working on the Sly edition yet?

Anonymous said...

Knowing the way this blog is going I'll bet this was ghost-written by Craig.

Anonymous said...

Tony, You don't count the Pitch as an award do you?
Tell me you have something better than that. Fuck, even Byron has a certificate from the free online chess club. Got a soccer trophy or something?

Anonymous said...

RE: Byron. You know that sick bastard is pulling the skin off it tonight as he reads his only pals e-book.
He is messed up.

Anonymous said...

Gobi It is Friday night/ Saturday morning.

Anonymous said...

lol Miss Sweetie Pie! Very descriptive. I never saw the woman but I can picture this.

Anonymous said...

Tony:

You are good at sharing unsubstantiated rumors which turn up true like 70 percent of the time hut you are a piss-poor writer.

You should have begged Mi-ai for a job when you had a chance.

Stupid virgin.

chuck said...

God, she was brutal.

Stupidity, not suspicion brought down Caesar's wife, with or without the sandals.

Anonymous said...

truth is you were a hateful little turd and you didn't like that your intimidation campaign and racial politics fell on deaf ears with them. They rightly told you off and the only casualty was some old lady on the parks board you crucified because she dared to question why illegal aliens should be given a free pass.

so every time you people complain about Sly stealing your money realize this fucking toolbox did nothing but run hit pieces on these people because they never gave his mommy dearest a political slush appointment.


HA HA.

Funkhouser is making even more money now and you are stuck in the Westside shitposting as usual.

Suck it

Shibby said...

This was Friday night GOLD for TKC.

Byron Funkhouser said...

Asshole 1:07 AM

My certificate came from the United States Chess Federation, not some "free online chess club".

I haven't read the ebook, yet. I wanted to see what the stupids had to say first.

Byron Funkhouser said...

I liked it, Tony. How much do you want for this ebook?

Anonymous said...

I want to read GLORIA's book about her time in office!

chuck said...

Tony, ya screwed up, that is a picture of Patton Oswalt.

the SNIPER said...

That b so ugly, I think I'll give it miss.

loser mark still married to a bitch said...

TKC, now that funk is publisher of that online money grab how long before it goes under? I give it 18 months. He probably has a couple members of his family on the payroll now and he actually has to work instead of sitting around naked and pontificating. Yep, 18 months seems about right. What do you think?

Anonymous said...

Ha ha Byron wants to buy a e-book from Tony with our money. What a twat.

Anonymous said...

Byron nobody cares what your sheep shagging ass has to say or what you have not won.

Anonymous said...

Greatest first line in the history of literature.

Byron Funkhouser said...

Assholes, that blade, like most, cuts both ways. If you bitches want to stop paying taxes, all you have to do is stop stealing (yeah, I know, you call it working?!) money.

Anonymous said...

This was three, four, five years ago. Who the hell cares anymore? And who would read a badly written, poorly sourced book of conjecture and rumors?

Eavesdrop is one word by the way. And can YOU PLEASE STICK TO ONE GODDAMN TENSE?

My guess is nobody will be reading this except Mark's lawyer.

Anonymous said...

WTF Byron? Your blade is not very keen.

Anonymous said...

This stupid shit doesn't warrant a comment. Who, in their right mind would want to read about this cum hole from 3 or 4 years ago.

I would rather scratch my ball, hike a leg and fart, and go back to watching Archie Bunker.

BTW...bear stalker...U need help, nut case.

Anonymous said...

Funkhouser. Who are we stealing from? Explain please. Do you always babble like this? I am guessing that if people didn't pay taxes you would starve? Correct?

Byron Funkhouser said...

I paid taxes when I was stealing wages, too. The amount of benefits I receive is a function of the amount of FICA taxes I paid.

If you're telling me you aren't a thief, then you are a liar. I've worked in factories & seen workers deliberately sabotage production, just so they could loaf. I was an Accounts Payable clerk for a large corporation. I know where the money went. I could write a book about what ridiculous shit middle management puts in their expense reports. You middle class puppies are no better than the grifters you bitch about.

Anonymous said...

Shut the fuck up you fucking asshole loser

Anonymous said...

Then write the book big mouth. Wait , you can't because you are a liar.

Anonymous said...

So Bryon admits to stealing wages... So you are not entitled to any FICA Money. What's it going to be cheater? I wait for your response. I won't hold my breath. Thief!

Anonymous said...

No wonder Byron can't work. He ignored faulty production lines and cooked the books. I would say he has zero integrity. ZERO!

Westport Trucky said...

Hell we all have known ever since he showed up he has Zero Integrity!

Anonymous said...

Tony gets to the "sole" of the Funkhouser political dysfunction.

How ironic that a long-time City Auditor would be brought down by his wife's ten ugly "digits."

Tony "nails" the failure of Squitiro to rein in her eccentricities even after the Funk "fungus" became widely apparent to observers.

Byron Funkhouser said...

Ignorant racist have no moral integrity.

Anonymous said...

Mark never said anything bad about Byron.