The TKC Halloween Costume Party!!!

Throughout my childhood, I didn't really care for Halloween as a holiday. I never grew accustomed to the concept of taking food from strangers and all the festivities really just seemed like a pain in the ass.

Contrastingly, my younger brother LOVED THE HOLIDAY as a kid. As a child he couldn't completely understand or explain it but when he grew older he told me that the holiday didn't seem to carry as much guilt as other yearly celebrations. X-mas and Easter were for Jesus. Thanksgiving was really about family, birthdays only marked the time until your eventual demise and the 4th of July is for America . . . He explained that only Halloween offers the opportunity for people to have fun without explanation and take the rare opportunity to be someone or something else.

My little brother was always brilliant.

To wit . . . If I ever got the cash together, TKC would like to throw a Halloween costume party among this town's politicos and popular media figures. If it was held on this Halloween, the following list represents who I would invite and the most appropriate costume they could wear:

- Darla Jaye is now the Queen of Kansas City's talk radio airwaves thanks in no small part to the current Semler controversy. In fact, she's so popular that she would have no trouble living up to another American icon: Ronald McDonald. Thankfully, she'd only have to apply a bit of extra makeup in order to mask her Italian-American (read: illegal immigrant) heritage but I'm sure she'd probably fill the big shoes with no problem. Really, I think she would be great to have at any party and her big, beautiful smile would fill the room when she wasn't accusing everyone of blackmail.

- Of course no Kansas City party is complete without Country Club Kay. I imagine her wearing the sexy Cabaret outfit featured here and maybe doing a little song and dance as if a tax increase was on the table. Her presence would lend a bit of class to the affair and I'm sure she'd show up as long as it was clear that somebody else was paying.

- Obviously, current Mayor Funky is one of the most sought after guests for any Kansas City party. He'd be the guest of honor at TKC's Halloween bash provided he dressed up in a Spock costume and explained the cold Vulcan logic involved in sticking to his "principles" despite the fact his controversial appointment to the Parks Board broke at least 3 major campaign promises and it's costing him the slim margin of support he had after a close election.

- More than anyone else I want Kathryn Shields at the TKC Halloween bash. Of course the Jabba costume is a prerequisite but I think she would wear it well and maybe it would inspire her to come up with some new and inventive ways to stay out of jail . . . Like maybe a barter: Her freedom for Han Solo's body frozen in carbonite. It could happen!!!

- Of course the most important thing about a Halloween party is that it MUST stay interesting . . . Inviting Chris Stigall really wouldn't help out on that front but it's always a good idea to have one dork around in case anybody needs a designated driver or somebody wants to pick a fight with a chump that can be beaten easily. Judging from the fact that 3/5ths of his blog posts are about TKC, I'm sure Stigall would attend my Halloween party. And he might even dress like Himmler, because I'm guessing that's the costume he wears at home on most weekday nights anyway. Scumbag Stigall = SS . . . There's a connection there and the guy also has an unhealthy and obsessive devotion to Sam Graves . . . So it would be great to have the dude at a TKC party if only to make sure the gathering was a model of efficiency and expediency.

- If Jackson County Executive Mike Sanders knows about this blog, then he probably doesn't ever risk wearing a black turtle neck sweater and just being himself . . . But at the TKC costume party, he could do just that!!!

- At parties it's hard to find somebody who actually knows what they're talking about when it comes to sports. For my money, Jack Harry is one of the few local sportscasters who wouldn't sell his soul for luxury press box accommodations AND actually knows a lot about the sports which he covers. The Duke Nuke'em costume does him justice not only because it compliments his haircut but also because Jack Harry kicks ass.

- I would be remiss if I didn't invite Frances Semler to my Halloween party. I would look forward to her presence but only if she showed up as a topless Bea Arthur. Believe me, if this broad is as feisty as she seems there's no way she would balk at a TKC invite.

- Unfortunately, as Mayor Funkhouser has learned, if you invite Frances Semler somewhere . . . The Minutemen will show up as well. They don't really need costumes but I am hoping they leave their guns at home.

- I'm sure by now you've guessed that you can't have the Minutemen at a party without Mexicans: They wouldn't have anybody to oppress!!! Clearly, the best disguise for any Mexican illegal immigrant on Halloween is that of a space alien . . . People tend to be a lot less afraid of space invaders than they are of mojados. The threat of world domination by people from another planet doesn't rank high on the list of fears for white people but the prospect of listening to Spanish on the radio or at a restaurant is downright frightening. TKC Party game: Have the Minutemen guard the door and see how many Mexicans still find their way in using the windows, ventilations ducts or posing as caterers.

- Jared Allen = One of the Geico cavemen? Tell me you can't see it! Also, I have to give the guy credit; he plays as if he's in some kind of primordial struggle for fire or food and shelter. Also, the guy is just damn entertaining to watch assuming he doesn't have access to car keys.

- I don't know how the logistics of this will work out but I'd like to invite light rail to my Halloween party. Of course everyone will disagree on the best directions to give light rail to the shin dig but in the end I'm sure light rail will find a way by simply using the bus and asking directions from the few people who actually use public transportation in Kansas City and know this town's streets better than anyone.

- Obviously I'm going to dress up for the TKC Halloween Costume Party as well. I'll probably just wear my Alfonso Bedoya costume from his role in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre . . . I've already go the hat and the rest of the costume is pretty much what I walk around in every day.

At this point, I notice that their aren't any Black people or many local KC residents of color at my party . . . That's not really an omission, actually I'm simply assuming that there's a better party planned which most of the folks at this one don't know about yet . . . So I'll probably just mingle a bit and then skip out to the much cooler affair that isn't completely dominated by politics, millionaire athletes, billionaire sports franchise owners, one tax increase after the next and a lot of bad decisions.