Damn it, I'm not giving an endorsement

Here's the thing about the primary election tomorrow when it comes to the race for Mayor . . . The the only thing that's certain about the "winners" is that the majority of voters (an ever shrinking minority) won't support either of them by any significant margin.

Additionally, I've been a bit disappointed in all of the mayoral candidates because they've ALL FAILED TO ADDRESS a fact of life in this city . . . Mainly that, the number one victims and perpetrators of homicides in Kansas City are Black males between the ages of 17-34.

Put simply, the stat I mentioned above was the biggest problem facing Kansas City last year and it went UNMENTIONED by anybody running for Mayor. More than anything crime effects every aspect of life in Kansas City and I challenge you to contend that you'll really care about trash pickup or potholes when somebody is sticking a gun in your face in one of the many, recent carjackings that seem to be gaining popularity in this town.

Still, for better or worse this town is stuck with these Dirty Dozen candidates and it's fun to sum up their ambitions with one-liners and stupid photos . . . Kind of like a recent roundup that The Pitch did a couple of weeks ago, only . . . Ya know, funny and not so homersexual.

Here we go . . . Here's something not so nice about everyone running for mayor:



My instincts are to always vote for the Black guy but it's hard to tell if Alvin Brooks is even running a campaign. He has been far too low key and it makes me wonder if he's somewhere at his desk asleep during this whole process.



Janice Ellis - This lady and her self-righteous campaign is the reason why Alvin Brooks will lose and this month's example (especially apropos for this season of Black history) that there is no such thing as unity when it comes to minorities and politics.

The award for craziest person running for mayor goes to John David DiCapo.


Not only has he publicly said that he's supporting Chuck Eddy but hearing him give his stump speech, I keep waiting for somebody to interrupt him and announce that "Live from New York, It's Saturday Night!" It's damn painful and if he's the representative of small business people in Kansas City then it's no wonder that so many of them have gone bankrupt or fallen victim to Country Club Kay.



Becky Nace was once vaguely Hispanic and now she's Republican. Strangely, both identity transformations have her working for white guys with far more power and pull than she has . . . Life is a bitch and this broad is so clearly bought and paid for that she nearly rivals a Republican trophy wife with an additional 30lbs of ass for good measure. Yeah!



Is it wrong that I just don't want the Jabba jokes to end? Certainly not, I might vote for Katheryn Shields because I think the State of the City address from a jail cell is exactly what this town needs to put local politics in their proper perspective.



Albert Riederer - If there was some kind of award for best retro politician this guy would win hands down. He is Kansas City in the 80's with the same style and the authoritative tone which indicates that minorities don't matter. It's a style that you've come to expect from prosecutors across the country. And I could actually get with that if he wasn't posing as a reformer rather than what he is: A friendly reminder of the good old days (Reagan years) when white guys were getting their confidence back, forgetting about Vietnam and attempting to fight off white guilt.



You will never meet a nicer guy (and bigger loser on election day) than Henry Klein.



Jim Glover would make an excellent mayor if he didn't happen to be the most boring politician this city has ever seen. All of the hack jokes apply in this circumstance: H. Roe Bartle is more captivating in his current state . . . Yadda, yadda, yadda. Too bad, because Glover is the only guy who has worked for neighborhoods as a politician and used his political office to help revitalize a blighted part of town . . . Yeah, that thing that every politico in this election has promised? Glover has actually done it. Too bad that he put everyone to sleep while getting that stuff accomplished.



It's official, Mark Funkhouser has used the power of the Internet to hook up with the most obnoxious, politically naive, self-obsessed and arrogant supporters in Kansas City. Take that online dating!!! You'd think he was Jesus to read some of these blogs and the fact that Funk's supporters are expecting any kind of change in this town only makes the situation even more laughable then the Star's fake poll numbers in support of their pick. Put simply, in a perfect world a reformer with no political baggage to carry would be wonderful if it were not for the fact that politics is compromise not merely compiling data or practicing cold Vulcan logic in order to screw over people who need indigent health care. While his cadre of Star Trek geeks might swear up and down that they're getting a different cup of soup then the one this town has recycled for years . . . There's just no proof of that yet . . . Only blind faith and bad slogans that everybody in this town copied from me (heh) and refused to give me my PROPS!!!



John Fairfield's poorly placed calls to potential donors after voting, along with his horrible panhandling legislation could be the best example of a decent candidate screwing up his own chances far better than anybody else could. I know the feeling, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to bathing and waking up before noon as well.



Once again proving Star columnist Mike Hendricks is a dumbass and doesn't know what he's talking about when he's not repurposing this blog for his column . . . The London Eye is the most the world's most popular tourist attraction according to the most accurate encyclopedia in the world. They've built observation wheels all over the world and if any politico had a sense of KC like Stan Glazer did, they would also push for this idea over the many empty museums this town pays for . . . An attraction that actually attracted a crowd? That would be a change for Kansas City. I like Stan because more than any other candidate he represents KC and has been upfront about what his lack of elected office means and his only main goal of trying to be an ambassador for a town that not only needs someone to fix Country Club Kay's 300 million dollar mistake but also need to believe in itself once again (and that means more than getting hipster white kids excited about the latest trend in transportation) . . . And I guess to be fair I should crack wise about him . . . But, life isn't fair so I won't.



Finally, we all know that Chuck Eddy marches to the beat of his own drummer and you can only admire how he has completely ignored every single one of his constituents on Red Bridge Road. If those complaining folks were all women that he was having sex with, the guy would be my hero. However, what Eddy really represents is the endgame for all politicos in Kansas City. A great guy, with a decent record who let special interests and this nasty business of politics ruin what would have been an otherwise brilliant career . . . I'm obviously referring to his career as a drummer as pictured above . . . Rock on.