Town Topics: Holy Hell it's Hot

KCK Church Swelters After Copper Stolen
- Broke Church goers get to hear the "if you think it's hot in here just imagine how hot Hell will get if you don't make a donation" speech for the one millionth time.

Couple Upset As 2nd Church Cancels Wedding
- Dumbass groom won't take sign from God that marriage is an outdated institution.

Trial Date Set For Precious Doe Murder Case
- I wonder if open and shutting this case a few times will cool off the many people who were very pissed about this media frenzy case.

Report: FBI Investigates Lawrence Police
- There are allegations that the overpaid babysitters in Larry Town improperly posed as federal agents when interrogating suspects. Actually, that's a lot of initiative for these guys. I've always thought they couldn't catch a cold and were mainly in charge of making sure that the keg is returned.

Zoo Welcomes New Elands, Baby Bat-Eared Fox
- KC Zoo just keeps getting uglier.

KC Couple Gets Probation for Child Abuse
- In the old days, they would have gotten a medal for anything short of beating their children to death. Still they seem pretty cruel from the details of the story. You should read it and then stop bitching about your parents.

Blunt slams Nixon's work
- Somebody needs a nap.

Blue Springs Man Killed By His Own Gun
- I guess they can go ahead and pry it away from his cold dead hands now.

Royals Return for Six-game Homestand
- Just like your homecoming. Don't expect them to score.

Guns Stolen from Probation & Parole Office
- Looks like an inside job by somebody who watched inside job a little too closely. Stealing with masks and codes is a losers game. Better to steal with a suit and a pen. You wanna know the best way to rob a bank? Buy one.

Police Investigating Possibility of Serial Rapist in Lawrence
- Frats don't have all the fun.