Doomsday in Kansas City

Channel 9 (stupidly) asks the question: “What would happen if Kansas City were forced to evacuate -- is there an emergency plan in place?"

The answer is no.

If there was a catastrophic emergency about to befall KC, you would observe some of the most gut wrenching scenes of horror ever witnessed by humanity. First of all, there would be a mad dash to rob and rape everything blonde, with a moist hole in Johnson County. I know that I’d be tempted to go after all of the bagel shops and car dealerships in the golden ghetto in no particular order.

And forget about getting out of this town by car. The highways are nearly impassable at 4:30 on a weekday afternoon anyway. In an emergency you might as well grab a raft and float down the river with your buddy N-word Jim. And don’t forget about the eastsiders, every weekend summer night was nearly a catastrophe; in a real emergency you might as well just bomb everything east of Troost preemptively because it won’t survive the absence of the already tenuous semblance of law and order that currently prevails.

Additionally, somehow an earthquake, bomb or any massive amount of destruction will only serve to bring more Mexicans to Kansas City. Very much like cockroaches, these people (my relatives) only multiply, even under the most severe circumstances.

However, you need not worry about the Asians or Arabs in KC. My rice eating brothers can survive indefinitely on stray dogs while my Arab brethren were probably responsible for the tragedy in the first place.

Did I miss anybody? Ah, white people. They always seem to come out on top for some reason. Fuckers.